three things

Thanks for all the comments on the pram; I read them to DH. He is so pumped about his plans.

This morning I woke up to this scene: DH sitting on the edge of the couch, staring intently at the pram, and murmuring excitedly, "I'm gonna have to chop it!"

Uh oh. lol
____________________________
The hormones are making me feel, er, ready to go at any given moment - and DH is pretty obsessed with my porn star bbs - but we're not allowed to do the deed. So it feels like we're dating again. Plus, just the fact that he and I are sharing this secret is making us all giggly. It is nothing short of wonderful.
____________________________
To end on a didactic note: As most of you know, our biggest impediment to conceiving was male factor. DH's sample is shoddy all around, at least on the outside (though we did see improvement for IVF #2, thanks to diet, vitamins, and exercise). Finally, our latest RE ordered a test called the SCSA, which looks at the interior of the sperm to see if the DNA is ok - which is what really matters, after all, for the purpose of baby-making. It's not a foolproof test, though, since medical science knows so frustratingly little about male factor issues, but it does provide a 'tip of the iceberg' indication of what you might be up against. It turned out that DH's boys were fine on the inside, which led us to try IVF #2. Anyway, Murgdan at Conceive This! wrote a very lucid and informative post on this topic, and I wanted to share it for anyone else who is battling male factor.

show & tell: Pimp my Pram (baby-related, so please feel free to skip if you're feeling sensitive)

Today my very dear husband made the first baby purchase (I'm all of 7w4d, paranoid about loss, and probably will not buy anything infant-related for as long as I can get away with it).

A vintage pram. And it is solid. He paid $40 at a swap meet for it.

The plan is to hot rod the whole thing. Black interior and black paint with a flame paint job. Shine up the chrome, add mags, etc. People are going to go nuts when they see it.

I went crazy when he showed it to me. Won't it be tres adorable? Highly impractical, yes, but who cares? DH said that his colleague and his wife used one in place of a bassinet, which they liked because they could bounce it up and down gently when their baby was fussy. So maybe we'll be able to do that, too.

Gosh, was DH ever proud of himself. As I pushed the pram from the truck up to our suite, he kept looking back at it, and then at me, smiling.

Shortly afterward, we giggled about how, if the Ninja is a boy, we will have newborn photos taken of him sporting a mohawk and a LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS t-shirt.

Even if this all goes to shit, it is a beautiful memory.

Join the rest of the class for Show & Tell here.

7w4d

Thanks for all the congrats, peeps. :)

I need to say something here. For my friends reading this who are still in the TTC trenches: if you feel that reading my blog will be too difficult, and you need to skip it, or even want to stop following entirely, please know that I am not at all offended. We all need to do what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves. Capiche?

Ok, of course, you know I'm all panicked again. I woke up early this morning to a searing cramp in my uterus. Enough to take my breath away. I didn't know what to do (i.e., go to an ER?) because it happened just once, plus I'm not bleeding. So I e-mailed the IVF nurse, even though she won't get the message until Monday. And then I drank three cups of water, ate breakfast, and went back to sleep for a few hours. What else could I do?

I still don't understand, incidentally, why my RE says that I would be at 6w6d today. He said he wasn't basing it on embryo measurements. It sounded as though he was basing the first day as the day after transfer, which I don't get, since his EDD doesn't line up with the online IVF due date calculators. So that's why I'm keeping the original due date. I don't think it matters, anyway.

The 'P' Word

It appears that I am officially 'P.'

To the left, please note Ninja Blueberry Mutant, in all his glory. (I know it's a boy. Not that I care, though, because I don't. A BABY is what I care about.)

Heartbeat: 140/minute.

One healthy embryo, implanted where he belongs. Don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.

DH got to see him first - the screen was turned away from me - but it was worth it, just to witness the look on his face. The lab tech was trying to do the scan quickly so that DH couldn't figure anything out or see the heart pattering away (since the RE was supposed to be the one to do the talking, at our follow-up appointment), but come on! Then why was DH allowed to be in the room in the first place? An amazed look suddenly came over DH's face - his jaw dropped for a moment, and he just stared at the picture. Then he said triumphantly to the tech, "Ha ha, you tried to move too fast for me, but I saw it! I know it's there!" She denied everything - she said when it's this early, patients can't tell what anything is on the screen - but he just laughed at her, so she gave up and turned the monitor to me so I could see the embie-baby.

Seriously. What was with the State Secret ... at a viability ultrasound for an IVF patient? Of course the neurotic possible-parents-to-be want to see what's going on! And the heartbeat is unmistakeable - a constant white flash - so I don't know what her deal was.

And she was reluctant to give us a picture, but she finally did when I said that I was just going to take a picture of it, then, with my camera.

But it was amazing. As I was getting dressed, DH sat on the tech's stool, alternating between staring at the picture and then staring at the screen.

We didn't talk about it afterward in the waiting room, but we were busting our guts to scream gleefully together!

At the follow-up, the RE waltzed in to the room and said immediately, "Everything is great, so you don't have to worry." He said that the embryo implanted in a great spot, and that his heartrate is 140 bpm, which was perfect. And he said that I'm at 6w5d, which I don't understand, but whatever. I don't care. I'm keeping my original due date unless my midwife says otherwise.

My response to the RE: "I am very happy with you!" LOL I said that I've sent at least 4 or 5 new patients his way, as my token of gratitude. :) He is da bomb. I love him.

More deets: I'm allowed to exercise again (since my ovaries look much better - just take it easy), I'm off the heavy-dose folic acid, no sex, suppositories for 2 more weeks, etc.

He asked if I wanted another u/s: YES, please! So I will return in two weeks to see the mutant parasite again. :)

On our way out, DH locked the IVF nurse in a bear hug, and then she hugged me, too. She's a great nurse: very professional and direct, and was clearly very happy for us.

So then DH and I bummed around the city. I finally felt 'safe' enough to buy a proper new bra for my expanding bustline (a really well-cut Calvin Klein - on sale).

Had a tough time eating lunch: everything stinks. It's a very weird thing. I finally settled on kick-ass haddock and fries - great quality, but I could not finish it. So now I'm hungry, but everything smells rancid. lol

Oh, and Uncle Kenny ROCKED last night, and so did Miranda Lambert! (Lady Antebellum was ok, but I'm not a big fan.) WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! I think we'll go see him again in August.

Whew! That is my story. I'm officially knocked up. It doesn't seem real to me. I can't even say the 'p' word.

7w2d

Ok, I had to post one last time in a hurry. I definitely have aversions, and it's not all in my head. Every smell that isn't fresh air is making me feel gross. We're going to have a late lunch today in Buffalo at one of my favourite restaurants, but I'm already thinking oh no, what am I going to eat?

Ha ha, maybe I'll barf at the concert. I would actually not find that funny at all, but DH certainly would!

Oh, and DH has a name for the Ninja: Blueberry Smush'ems. Because I told him that this week the embryo is the size of a blueberry, so he pretended to toss it to the floor and ground it with his heel. Ok, that sounds awful, I know, but it was actually hilarious. lol

7w1d

Overdid it today with walking (almost three hours - to my advisor's house and back). So I'm crashed on the couch all evening.

But good news: she loves my thesis. She said it's "exquisite" and "definitely publishable." Plus she's friends with half the writers and theorists I quote, including Aidan Chambers, and she said several times, "Oh, Aidan would love your work." That left me a little breathless! She gave me some very useful criticism, so that's good.

Don't want to eat dinner: nothing smells good.

Anyway, I'll most likely be off here until after the u/s. Chesney's show is tomorrow, and then we have to be up bright and early for the doc on Friday.

Please pray for us.

male factor news: antioxidants affect sperm quality

Wanna post this before I forget about it.

Antioxidants Affect Semen Quality

Low antioxidant intake is associated with low reproductive capacity in semen. This is the finding of a new study carried out in two infertility centres in Alicante and Murcia, and which has been published online in the journal Fertility and Sterility.

"Our previous research study, published in March, showed that men who eat large amounts of meat and full fat dairy products have lower seminal quality than those who eat more fruit, vegetables and reduced fat dairy products. In this study, we have found that people who consume more fruits and vegetables are ingesting more antioxidants, and this is the important point", Jaime Mendiola, lead author of the article and a researcher at the University of Murcia, tells SINC.

The experts have spent the past four years analysing the link between dietary habits or workplace exposure to contaminants and the quality of semen among men attending fertility clinics.

The objective was to find out whether a higher or lower intake of vitamins, which act as antioxidants, could affect semen quality. These molecules, which are present in foods such as citrus fruits, peppers and spinach, work by lowering the level of oxidative stress that can affect semen quality, and improve sperm concentration parameters as well as sperm mobility and morphology.

The study was carried out among 61 men, 30 of whom had reproductive problems, while the remaining 31 acted as controls. "We saw that, among the couples with fertility problems coming to the clinic, the men with good semen quality ate more vegetables and fruit (more vitamins, folic acid and fibre and less proteins and fats) than those men with low seminal quality", explains Mendiola. "A healthy diet is not only a good way of avoiding illness, but could also have an impact on improving seminal quality. What we still do not understand is the difference between taking these vitamins naturally and in the form of supplements. In the studies we are going to carry out in the United States (where the consumption of vitamins in tablet form is very common) we will be looking at the role of supplements", the Spanish scientist continues.

More and more scientific studies show that human seminal quality and male fertility have declined over recent decades. The results of the European study Differences in seminal quality and reproductive results, carried out between 2000 and 2008 by the Valencian Infertility Institute show that Spanish semen is at the bottom of the league table in terms of volume (9th position), mobility (10th position) and concentration.

However, after analysing the quality of sperm, the research team evaluated its functioning, in other words its capacity to successfully lead to pregnancy. In this analysis, the Spanish sperm came second, only behind Portugal. "The quality among Spanish men is around the European average. We shouldn't worry ourselves, although we must monitor the situation", points out Mendiola.

In the countries of northern Europe, such as Denmark, 40% of young men have seminal quality that is below recommended levels for fertility. "The Danish experts are studying the issue, because it is very worrying. Lifestyle habits could be closely related to seminal quality and human fertility parameters. In addition, emphasis has been placed in recent years on the significance of babies being exposed to toxins and pollutants (pesticides, xenoestrogens, etc.) while in the womb, which could also compromise their future reproductive capacity when they grow to be adults".

References: Jaime Mendiola, Alberto M. Torres-Cantero, Jesús Vioque, José M. Moreno-Grau, Jorge Ten, Manuela Roca, Stella Moreno-Grau, y Rafael Bernabeu. "A low intake of antioxidant nutrients is associated with poor semen quality in patients attending fertility clinics". Fertility and Sterility 2009, publicado on line, mayo de 2009.

Source: SINC FECYT - Spanish Foundation for Science and Technology

obsessing over symptoms

I should be in bed because I have to get up early to go to Toronto, but I've gotta wait to feed the cervix. So I will obsess over my symptoms. Just because I can.

My acne is quite hilarious now: forehead, nose, jawline, and around my mouth. It's not that noticeable in the daytime, especially because I have good makeup, but it's funny-looking at night when I'm barefaced.

I feel slight pressure in my lower abdomen from time to time, just like af cramps. (Hopefully that's not what it is, though.)

My bbs are still sore. *Yawn* Whatever - that's kickin' it old school. Yet the nips are persistently standing at attention, which amuses me. lol

Tiring a bit more easily, and also eating a tad more than usual.

This morning and afternoon every smell in the universe was turning me off. I wasn't nauseous; just didn't want to smell anything.

Can't tell much about the cm, since the suppositories turn it all crazy-coloured and weird.

Good signs, I hope ...the thing is that that I can chalk most of these things up to the supps.

I want a heartbeat. What am I going to do on Friday morning if there isn't one? :(

7w0d

Three days left until the big ultrasound.

DH said yesterday: "I don't want a baby. I don't want to be a dad. It's too much responsibility."

I nodded. I want him to be able to express these thoughts. I think they're normal. I mean, I'm scared. I often wonder about the reasons why I seem to want a child. In many ways, yeah, I know that it would be easier to avoid all of it. But I know, deep down, that we both don't want to avoid any of it.

So I listen.
_______________


On a very happy note, for my upcoming birthday DH bought phenomenal tickets to Kenny Chesney! :) It'll be the third time we've attended one of his shows - he's an amazing performer. (For those of you not familiar with him: he pulls in as much money from touring as do U2 and the Rolling Stones!)

But now DH is worried that we shouldn't go: he says I shouldn't be located so close to the stage. I think it'll be fine. Chesney's shows are always high energy, but I've never seen unruly audience behaviour (which is surprising, since everyone seems to be aged 21 or less!).

And anyway, I want to dance with DH to "You Save Me." :)

6w6d

Interesting comments re: the very different OHSS protocols that doctors have. Very strange.

Yes, I have been instructed to drink between 1.5 - 2 litres of fluid per day, which must include some V-8 or chicken broth (for the sodium content). And no mention of Gatorade. Water was fine.

I dunno. I feel fine. I realize that OHSS can rear its head suddenly in the first trimester, so I'm being careful, but I don't think that an extra glass or two of water each day will hurt, especially since I get migraines without it. (Sorry for the repetition - just making justifications to myself!)

Anyway, I had to get up at 2 in the morning to eat, which I've never in my life done before, because I was starving. (Even though I ate an apple and some plain yogurt before I went to bed.) This is good (?).

And my acne is no longer reduced to just my forehead and nose. Yikes!

Oh, and my bloating disappeared by the morning. I think I just overdid it yesterday. So that's good. I really want the OHSS to stay away.

Incidentally, I haven't been good about staying within the fluid requirements: I'm supposed to be drinking only 8 cups of liquid/day, but I am having a hard time sticking to that, especially when it's hot outside, and since I'm walking 60-90 minutes/day. I get a migraine if I don't drink enough. But my output still corresponds to my intake, and my waist and weight are stable - plus my ribs and lungs feel fine - so I think I'm ok.

6w5d

Oy, I should be in bed, but I had a busy day. Ended up chatting with the grad student prospect for SIX hours at a restaurant. We completely lost track of time, and DH was in a wild panic when I got home because he'd forgotten I'd be out, so he thought I'd miscarried and was lying unconscious in an ER somewhere. Poor guy; he was so upset. So now he says that until further notice I have to provide a note every time I leave our apartment, even if it's just to do the laundry or to run my morning errands. Because he said he's worried about me. And 'the guy.'

I exclaimed, "But you say the guy isn't yours!"

He said grudgingly, "If you promise to leave me a note every time you go, and that you'll never be late, then I'll say something nice."

I said, "Ok, I promise."

He mumbled under his breath: It'smyguy. And then he ran away. lol

The student and I had a good time, though; we really hit it off and chatted about everything. Since DH and I moved out here two years ago (where we didn't know a single soul), I haven't spent much time with real-life women friends, and I missed that kind of companionship.

Oddly, at the beginning, she popped a white pill and then mentioned briefly that she was recently diagnosed with an endocrine disorder that was freaking her out. I was too polite to press the issue, but most of you will know what I was thinking. Later, she mentioned it again, so I said that I had PCOS - just to see what reaction that would get me - and she said, "Me, too!" She's scared about it: worried that she'll never have kids. I reassured her. Honestly, unless she's got a complicating condition, like endo or male factor or whatever, she stands a great chance of becoming fertile, especially since Met kicked in for her right away, and she's being proactive with her lifestyle. I said there are no guarantees, of course, but odds are that something would eventually work, though it might take more time and effort and money.

And she wanted to know my poor sob story on IF, and was so gracious about it all: no condescension or judgements. It was such a novelty to talk about this to a live person. Anyway, so that was a funny coincidence.

Then we went to a stag and doe party, and the groom's sister, as it turns out, also has PCOS. She's been through a ton of IF treatments, but has never familiarized herself with her condition or with her DH's male factor. So I gave her my e-mail address and told her to ask away, but only if she wanted to (since she looked drained). She said she would, though, because she wanted my input.

Funny: I never meet people who say they have PCOS, and today I ran into two. Although I do sometimes see women on the street whom I know in my gut have a bad - and probably undiagnosed - case of PCOS; I always wish I could say something, but of course there's never a kosher way to do that.

The party itself was fun. Though all of DH's colleagues were there, and they all know about us. So it was very, very very strange to receive quiet congratulations and hugs. Steve's favourite colleague, the groom, even gently rubbed my belly; he was a bit teary-eyed and said, "That is for good luck from me." I felt very awkward about it all; as though I were a real, normal pregnant woman receiving congratulary words and gestures from friends and acquaintances. Too much too soon. It was surreal and I didn't know how to react. I hope it lasts, but that goes without saying.

Was so bloated this evening - I was hiding my stomach with a strategic placement of my jacket and my purse. Because I really look pregnant. I'm wondering if the OHSS is kicking in? As naive as this might sound, I'm kinda hoping it is - it probably means that my HCG is still increasing. I know I should not 'hope' for this, though - fluid in my abdomen would not be good. So if it's the same tomorrow, I'll e-mail my nurse.

I also look as though the Acne God spread his bum all over my forehead (and nose, for that matter). I am sadistically pleased.

And, to end the day, I just saw that my cousin - who had almost the same due date as my original one - had her baby. It's all over Babybook (aka: Facebook). I don't think about what I should look by now, at nine months pg.

I want good news for myself, too! And for all of you!

6w4d

More hurry up and wait.

Symptoms: Still the sore-ish bbs and acne-infested nose and hairline. DH is amused by the zits; he says it all looks like a rash. You can't really see it until I point it out, though, because of the mineral powder concealer I put on top. Oh, and I did have to have a nap yesterday after I went for a 90-minute walk.

I can't concentrate on anything! But I have to write a review today, meet with a delightful wannabe grad student who wants to know how I 'beat the system,' and attend a wedding social (w00t, gonna wear my funky Nicole Miller dress!). So I've gotta motor.

Five days left . . .

In the meantime, I'm watching a bio of Jon Bon Jovi. Now there's a good distraction. lol

Not for the faint of heart or the easily offended

But hellaciously funny: whythef*"&doyouhaveakid.com.

6w3d

Six days until U-Day. In case anyone lost track.

This is torture. I just feel so normal. Today's symptoms: slightly sore bbs and remnant of acne outbreak on forehead. That is all. I'm not tired, I'm not nauseous, and my uterus feels fine.

All I want is a heartbeat. Some other sperminated women on IVF pg threads gush: "Oooh, I can't wait until my u/s - not that I'd be disappointed with just one, but I want twins!" Whaaat? I can't join those threads. There is too much baby dust everywhere, and I'd drag everyone down. I can't deal with what people talk about. I mean, I saw one poster who wrote: "I got so dizzy in the shower I had to haul ass and go lie down in bed. Is something wrong? P.S. I don't eat or drink until I get to work in the morning." What? Or women who are already discussing when they're going to have their baby showers! What? Or telling people with repeated losses to keep their chin up. I hate that.

Ah, to be that innocent again.

All I want is a healthy heartbeat, with everything in its proper place. This might be too much to ask.

I think that - in the future - when I do an FET, I will say to the doctor in advance that I'll require the beta at nine days past transfer, and a viability ultrasound at around the six week mark. No more of this unnecessary waiting.

chronic pain :(

OB appointment is scheduled for July, so guess that's not gonna happen, since we're moving June 30th. Ah well.

I have horrendous back pain today: one particular muscle is screaming at me. I can't move my head or my left arm. Can't lie down. Can't make dinner. Can't even fix my messy ponytail. :( The massage therapist yesterday did go easy on the affected areas, but I guess I shouldn't have fooled around with it at all. I'm really nervous about how I'm going to handle my pain if my 'p-word' progresses, since I can't work out (which usually helps me control it) or take painkillers. I've mentioned resuming physiotherapy - I guess that's not just an option anymore: it's gotta be done.

6w2d

After today, one week until the ultrasound.


I need some symptoms, man. I feel so depressingly normal. Here's what I've got for you from yesterday:
1) Sore-ish boobies.
2) Crampy abdomen.
3) Acne on my nose, of all places, and on my hairline. I haven't experienced that since I was, oh, 14 years old? (I also broke out on my decolletege 4 or 5 days ago, which has never happened to me. Ick.)


Someone mentioned to me the possibility of twins, which freaks me out. lol (No, really, it does - partly because of my bad back and partly because of the health risks to all parties - not that I wouldn't be delighted with two babies, of course.) Is it possible to have twins with relatively low beta numbers? I dunno. I guess if an embie split - which is entirely possible, especially since we did ICSI and AH, which increases the chance of that happening - they'd be sharing a placenta, right? Which would mean that the HCG wouldn't necessarily be higher? Ah, I don't know: I am definitely not well versed in science-y type things, and I don't feel like googling them. My hope is for a healthy babe; that's all I can ask for and more.

do i make you proud?

I'm starting to get that 'weird-mouth' feeling again, and my lower abdomen is crampy. And have felt two or 3 tingles in my bbs today. It's all very mild, so don't get excited, but I'm going to assume that these are good signs. Are you proud of me?

The massage was good, but it hurt! I hope it relaxes the tension in my muscles, though. I've got enough insurance coverage for one hour-long session/week until the end of June - hurray.

Other good news: our income tax refund is over $5,000. Yes! Double yes with knobs! That'll pay more than a third of our IVF cost! (DH thinks he's going to buy a new toy with this cheque; little does he know that he won't see a penny of it. Honestly, if you've got debt, shouldn't you pay that off, first? If it weren't for me, he'd be living chronically in the hole.) And my last scholarship cheque is almost ready, and that's another $4,000, so that will also pay off another large chunk. W00T! (I try not to think what we could've done with that cash without IVF bills .... siiiiigh. Sayonara to seeing U2 play in Dublin.) So my first 4 - 6 weeks' worth of salary in fall should be enough to pay off the rest of it. That's a good feeling.

6w1d

One of my most difficult students from my last teaching position e-mailed me last night to apologize for being a jerk, and he said that I inspired him, and that he has turned his life around in high school. (I never thought he was a jerk, incidentally, just a very troubled kid whom I actually liked a lot.) I was so touched. If that doesn't mellow me out somewhat, then what could?
____________________________

Symptom check:


-boobs still a touch sore, but not really
-no excessive fatigue in the last few days
-nothing...


Urgh...


I guess I could've asked for the beta yesterday, after all, just to ensure that the levels were not dropping. Oh well.


My midwife said that the sudden disappearance of symptoms is common. I'm clinging to that thought.


Got a few downloads from her, too, re: midwifery care. It all sounds great to me. Very woman-centred.


I'm going for a massage today, courtesy of my DH's awesome insurance company. My neck is still hurting, so I hope it helps somewhat. I'm thinking of starting up physiotherapy again, just so that my back doesn't go to $hit if this 'baby' thing actually works out, especially since I've had to stop my workout routine. I can't wait to move next month because it means I'll be within commuting distance of my old miracle-worker chiropractor. I've gone two years without chiropractic care; I'm amazed that I made it this long.


Ok, enough boring blather; see you later.

game of eights

The everlasting Wiseguy tagged me for this game. She sent it to me via President Obama, so I could not refuse. lol (Whereas if she had selected Prime Minister Stephen Harper, I would have barfed. haha)


To do list:
1. Mention the person who tagged me.
2. Complete the list of 8’s.
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them.


Eight things I am looking forward to:

1. My first obstetrical ultrasound.

2. August peaches (Niagara or BC).

3. Finishing a Ph.D. and generally being an academic whore.

4. Discovering the meaning of life.

5. Summer.

6. Paying off IVF debt.

7. Our next trip out of the country.

8. Hugging my niece.



Eight things I did yesterday:

1. Got out of bed.

2. Obsessed about things out of my control.

3. Waited for FedEx to make a delivery.

4. Worked on my lit review.

5. Spent too much time on da internets.

6. Went for a walk with DH.

7. Avoided Jon and Kate +8: will never watch that show again.

8. Went to bed.



Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Stay pregnant with this baby for the appropriate 40 weeks.

2. Be a nomad.

3. Stop thinking when I want to fall asleep.

4. Sew better.

5. Own a pair of Christian Laboutin (sp?) shoes.

6. Dance.

7. Find out what I should do with my life.

8. Kick some zombie butt.



Eight shows I watch:

1. Desperate Housewives

2. House

3. M*A*S*H (reruns)

4. Titus (reruns on DVD)

5. The Colbert Report

6. The Rick Mercer Report

7. The Tudors

8. All in the Family (reruns)



Eight favorite fruits:

1. Cherries

2. Peaches

3. Raspberries

4. Strawberries

5. Pineapple

6. Oranges

7. Saskatoons

8. Mangoes



Eight places I’d like to travel:

1. Middle East

2. Morocco (actually the whole northern part of Africa)

3. Thailand

4. Greece

5. Ukraine

6. Turkey

7. Paraguay

8. Indonesia



Eight places I’ve lived:

Cannot divulge this info, but I've lived on a few different continents.



People I’ve tagged:

I'm not tagging anyone because I think most of the people on my blogroll won't be in the mood, but please feel free to copy and paste the game!

u/s, gp, ob, midwife, and anything else i can snag

So, change of plans. I broke down and e-mailed my nurse, pleading insanity and begging for the test to be moved up.

I also went to the walk-in clinic and got a referral for an OB-GYN. Not that I think I'll get in before I move, but I figured I'd try. The referring doctor - who is awesome, by the way - was the one who made the original referral to my RE, so she was beyond delighted with my news. She seemed bemused by my paranoia. But I did warn her, in a roundabout way, about my emotional status by wearing my Alcatraz "Mental Outpatient" sweatshirt. lol I didn't ask for a repeat beta because I've read that the doubling slows down, so I don't want to worry myself unnecessarily.

Then phoned my midwife, since I hadn't heard back from her. She hadn't received my message last week, so she expressed her delight to hear that the third beta had gone well ... even as I abruptly kept talking. Weird that everyone else is expressing happiness on my behalf; can't take it. I'm a freak.

DH didn't know that I'd begged for the date change on the u/s, so he picked up the phone message before I got home. When I walked through the door, he started dancing and chanting, "I know something you don't!!!" So, according to the voice on the machine, my u/s is now on June 5 rather than a week later. I'm satisfied with this. Well, considering that I'd rather be like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and buy my own ultrasound machine.

In the meantime, between the gp and getting home, I managed to get some high-quality effort into my thesis, which is basically the only thing that can relax me these days. I don't know what people who don't write (or paint or sing or garden or participate in other such artistic endeavours) do during stressful times.

just to clarify

Just to clarify: I wasn't asking for opinions on whether or not I personally have PTSD; that would be impossible for you to gauge because you don't know me in real life and what's going on in my head (and only medical professionals can diagnose these things, anyway). Just wanted to put the information out there.

6w

No w00ts today. :( No symptoms, nothing. Just sore-ish bbs. Das ist alles.

Apparently, if all is well, my baby's heart has started beating. That's what the books say, anyway. Crazy.

Gonna try the walk-in clinic again, and if I don't get what I want, I will likely throw myself at the mercy of my RE. This particular walk-in has been pretty good in the past, though, so I'm optimistic.

post-traumatic stress disorder

A few people I trust have mentioned to me - re: my blatherings of late - that I may be showing signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. They said that PTSD is pretty common among long-time infertile women, and that it can also pop up with a vengeance after a 'success.'

I knew about PTSD, but I thought that only had to do with war veterans, not TTC vets. So this is what I found on the INCIID web site:

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) -- A psychological disorder that develops in some individuals after a major traumatic experience such as war, rape, domestic violence, or accident. There are some articles written about PTSD as a complication of infertility or as a result of pregnancy loss. Some symptoms include avoidance, guilt, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, and excessive irritability.

Great. Something else to worry about. I'm not trying to self-diagnose, but those symptoms sound awfully familiar. Maybe that is why I acted so oddly after the initial BFP. And maybe that is why I can't get any work done on my thesis. Or sleep.

Anyway, I am most assuredly not posting this information as a pity grab. I'm sharing this because I know that many of us TTC'ers struggle with the number that IF pulls on our brains and hearts and bodies. The idea of a mental disorder as a result of endless IF and repeated losses does not shock me, and I don't think it will surprise any of you, either. We're all too familiar with IF-related traumas and the havoc they can wreak. I think it's best to be informed, so I thought I'd put this out there.

Hot Lips Houlihan

I decided that - instead of sitting here on the gestation station (aka: my living room couch), I should be proactive and go get an OB referral for the 5 weeks I have left in this city. I thought that maybe if I mentioned that to get to this point I've sold my house, quit my job, moved out of province, spent over $30,000, and wasted 7 years, a nice OB would take pity on me and schedule an ultrasound for next week. I planned to ask the referring gp for a repeat beta, as well.

What else could I do? I can't focus on my work, anyway.

So I dressed up in my most appropriate clothing: a conference bag (hint to doctors: she's an aspiring academic, so take her seriously) ... and my vintage M*A*S*H t-shirt (hey, at least I'm still clinging to my sense of humour).

Took the (chronically broken) elevator down to the main floor; the guy fixing it reeked of booze. How comforting.

I toddled to the nearest walk-in, which according to the web site was open until 7 p.m. tonight.

Closed 10 minutes before I arrived. Of course.

So I went to a small organic store, bought myself strawberries and locally made yogurt (which actually cost less than buying conventional products at a chain store), and went home. Now I'm watching NASCAR and prepping dinner. The walk did make me feel a drop better.

5w00t6d

Nervous and morose. Not as bad as stims or the 2ww or POAS hell or beta hell. But I'm getting there again. *Grimace* I woke up with all my symptoms gone. I'm very worried, of course, that the embryo has stopped developing, and that I'll find out about it only at the 8w ultrasound.

I want an u/s now, or at least another beta.

Not much for symptoms yesterday (no tingles or anything going on in my uterus), either. Even the bbs weren't really sore. So I'm hoping, of course, for the onset of more symptoms that can't be related to Prometrium or Estrace. Like morning sickness. Only TTC vets get excited, of course, about the prospect of barfing. I was reading up on when m/s might start, and it could be as soon as 6w, which is tomorrow.

I have felt the slightest, barest nausea from time to time, but really, if this were a 'natural' and unplanned pregnancy, I don't think I would have noticed it. Besides, nausea is a s/e of the supps. Errrrrr. My stomach was unhappy for a few seconds yesterday before I ate breakfast. But that could also be anything.

In the meantime, I'll have to assume that my fatigue every morning is a bonafide symptom. Right? I had to lie down again at 11 yesterday morning - I felt as though I was being hit by a tidal wave of exhaustion. I'm fine with that - if it's a pregnancy symptom, I'll take it.

I think I will sign up with a local midwife, even though I'm moving this summer and it really doesn't pay. Maybe she will allay my fears. Would she give me an ultrasound?

I really feel sorry for all of my IF- and baby-related medical practitioners. I think, if everything keeps progressing, I'm going to be a labour-intensive (no pun intended) patient. But honestly, who can blame me? This is all too good to be true. Surely something will go awry.

5w00t5d

Today I am all aloney on my owney. DH is golfing, so I'm going to lounge at a coffeeshop (oh sweet torture - I must order uncaffeinated) and perhaps finally resume thesis work. I am almost finished my rough draft, incidentally, and it is 120 pages long, minus endnotes and references.

Anyway.

I would like to know why my u/s is scheduled for 8 weeks. Don't they want to know ASAP that everything is in the right place? I don't know. Apparently I'm not a medical genius; that's why they pay me the big bucks to be a lowly schoolteacher.

_____________________________________


Symptoms:

-sore/heavy bbs, especially when gravity meets them in the morning - I'm already going to need a new bra next week, and wear a sports bra to bed - and last night they were spectacularly full of electrical shocks

-twinges in my abdomen a few times/day; ovaries are sore and twitchy (poor things)

-watery cm has stopped - now it's thick and scant

-escalated sex drive

-easily exhausted - yesterday, as soon as I'd gotten up, dressed, and eaten, I went back to sleep for 90 minutes

-my facial skin isn't as dry as it usually is - I have a 'glow,' literally, which means that my makeup is sliding off by the afternoon

-still hot from time to time

-not moody

-eating a bit more than usual

5w00t4days

Thanks to Ifoptimist for the new and improved title. ;)

TMI: DH and I did it. Had sex last night for the first time since I started stims. (I never have to say bd'ing again because bd'ing will never ever lead to 'baby.') Amazing. A totally different feeling.

I would never talk to family and friends about this topic, so it's funny that I'm discussing it on my blog. As Clare says most lucidly, we say things in the blogosphere that we'd never say to anyone in real life. Somehow, this anonymity is safer.

u/s

Just found out that my first ultrasound is scheduled for June 12, and then I'll see my doctor immediately afterward. I have to wait three weeks! Boohiss! lol

5w3d

Nothing new to report (not even symptoms - I feel fine). Just wanted to write 5w3d. That's all.

Well, I did call the midwife yesterday with the news, so I'm waiting to hear back from her. I hope she's good. She sounds nice on the phone.

Asked DH before bedtime how he was doing:

DH: Good! Golf is fun!

Me: Well, that's good. But I mean emotionally.

DH: Oh. I don't know.

Me: No?

DH: I'm not getting excited until I'm actually holding a baby.

Me: Oh yeah, I hear ya.

the lowdown

So here's what happened. It's not that exciting, but I'll always remember it.

I got the phone call before noon, which was a lot earlier than I expected. DH was going to phone me during his last coffee break - if it was bad news, he was coming home after work, and if not, he wanted to go golfing - but I couldn't wait that long. So I called him on site.

DH: Hello?

Me: Hey. It's good news.

DH: What?

Me: 824.

DH: Oh. So I can go golfing?

Me: Yes.

DH: Ok, I took scallops out of the freezer, and I'll broil them for dinner when I get home. We can have them with the leftover potato salad. [Note: He always changes the subject if he's not sure how to react or how to process new information, so I wasn't offended.]

Me: Yeah, ok. And the Greek salad, too.

DH: [Quiet for a bit.] 824. That's good, right?

Me: Yeah. [Starts crying, just in case the world hasn't already drowned in her tears. lol]

DH: [Alarmed.] I thought you said it was good!

Me: [Sobs.] It is! It's really good!

DH: [Relieved.] Well, ok. I don't know with you anymore! I'll see you after golf. Love you.

Me: Yeah, love you, too.

DH: Bye.

Me: [Still sniffling.] Bye.

LOL.

So then I went to get lunch. And then I came home and went to sleep.

The End.

824!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5w2d

Just sitting here, waiting.

All my symptoms disappeared yesterday and today, except for the inevitable sore bbs. I keep hearing that that is normal for 'normal' pregnancies, though, so I guess I shouldn't get too frantic yet. (Yeah, right.)

Was a rough night with DH. He wanted to skip work today to come with me, but I figured there was no point. We'll find out when we find out. Besides, he's already missed so much work for this IVF.

Thanks for the lovely comments on my last post. (Sorry I haven't answered questions or anything like that lately - I'm too stressed - I hope to get to them soon.)

xxx

Dear God letter

Dear God,

I know we haven't really been on good terms in the last few years. I wish we were, but you have to understand that it's hard for me to talk to you, since it feels as though I'm speaking to a stone (and not one that will burst forth with water anytime soon).

Of all the proverbial crosses to bear, I think I got one of the worst ones. And there's no way you can possibly understand how it feels. You have never been a barren woman, and no one knows what that's like unless s/he's been through it personally. That is just the way it is. I know believers like to say that you have empathy - even perfect understanding - of every situation, but honestly, you don't know what infertility feels like unless it has happened to you. And it hasn't.

During the first 3 or 4 years of my own status as a barren woman, I was actually grateful for it. I was glad that I had to work for this blessing, that I was learning patience, that I was becoming more mature, that I received great work opportunities (which I could take because I didn't have to worry about kids), that I was discovering what kind of person I was. I cultivated faith in your will and your timing.

A few years ago, after a 'step out in faith' service at church, I went out on a limb and purchased some baby gear - very much against my will, as I thought it was a bad idea - to show you that I had confidence that you'd remember me eventually. Those unused baby items - 6 tiny socks, 3 onesies, and 6 colourful receiving blankets - remain in storage, far away from me.

I've done everything in my power since then to bring a child to my world. I've overhauled my lifestyle: I eat organic food, I exercise regularly, I drink lots of water, I rarely consume junk food, I take vitamins and supplements. I've gotten my husband to eat better, to exercise, to take vitamins, et cetera. We've been through nearly every invasive and humiliating test that doctors can think of. We've done 4 Clomid cycles, one inject/IUI cycle, one IVF and one FET last year, and now another fresh cycle. I've miscarried (at least once) a deeply wanted baby. We've waited as doctors ignored us, twice put us on year-long waitlists, laughed at us, and misdiagnosed us. We sold our house, quit our jobs, and moved, in part to access decent infertility care. We estimated the other day that we've spent nearly $30,000 on this quest, and still we are left with empty hands. Infertility has tainted every aspect of my life, and that cost can't be measured.

If you say no to us this time, I want to say that we are very grateful for our four frozen embryos. We never expected to be able to create them. But God, it will take yet another year to have a chance with them. Logistically, I can't do the monitoring required while I'm teaching, because my school is too far away. I'd have to wait until next summer, all the while living among thousands of happy mommies and daddies with their beautiful children. There is no one like me around there.

Please, I'm begging, don't ask me to wait another year. I'm turning 31, and I can't wait forever. At some point my age is going to kick in, and besides, I can't emotionally endure this for much longer.

I am so grateful for the life inside me. I want him/her desperately. I'm asking for you to please spare him or her. Please allow us to keep one healthy baby. Please let the beta double tomorrow. I don't even have to tell you we'd be good parents: you know we'd be great. That's why I don't understand why this is happening to us.

OHW

P.S. People tell me "just adopt." Who am I going to adopt, God? There are almost no babies or toddlers available in our area for domestic adoption, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to subject myself to the scrutiny involved in homestudies, references, etc., anyway. I've read about international placements, and the amount of corruption that reportedly goes on behind those scenes isn't something I'm comfortable with. Plus we have no money left for foreign adoption, anyway. And I can't help it: I want to have a biological child with my spouse. Is that so bad? So what am I gonna do?

had to phone the midwife back

To add insult to injury, I had to phone the midwife back today, otherwise I was going to lose my spot (on the chance that this does end up ok), since they've already got a long waiting list. I had to struggle not to cry throughout the call, as I was trying to explain to her why I can't know yet if this is or isn't a chemical. So she said she recommended that I become a patient, anyway, because if I called back later to say that things were ok, I'd be at the bottom of the waiting list. Made sense, so I agreed.

5w1d - stuck in beta hell

This is going to be a long day. Not looking forward to tomorrow.

My beta took around 66 hours to double. Apparently 85% of clinical pregnancies take longer than 48 hours to double. I'm reading that anything up to 66 hours is often fine (and I've come across more research that says 72 hours is still ok).

I'm right at the 66-hour mark. So apparently not all hope is lost, but I'm cynical. This sucks and I hate it.

Who else, outside of the IF world, has to worry about this crap? Everyone else just gets 2 lines on a test and all is well. I bet only IF'ers know what beta numbers are and what they mean.

I go back to the clinic on Thursday morning for a repeat.

2nd beta

In four days it's risen from 113 to only 309. Usually it's supposed to double every 48 hours, so that's really slow.

DH called to ask about the results. It's going to be a quiet night.

5 weeks

Still waiting.

*Sigh*

I do not know what is taking so long!

Symptoms:

-same old ones: wet cm, sore bbs (they've never been quite this sore before), tired in the afternoon, af cramps, distinct electric shocks in bbs and abdomen (occasionally).
-new: breakfast tasted odd this morning; when I got to Toronto, everything smelled gross at first; got nauseous and dizzy at one point in the bathroom.

Nervous for tomorrow. *Sigh*

4w6d

DH is very interested in what is going on with all this stuff.

-He says he wants twins so that we don't fight over them. (He said sulkily that if there's only one baby, he'll never get to hold it because I will hog it.) That warmed my heart.

-On Saturday I showed him a version of the pregnancy ticker I've got on this blog, so he could get an idea of what our young mutant looked like. Yesterday he asked me to pull it up again on the laptop, and he said he'd probably want to see it regularly. I said I'd buy a week-by-week development book of pictures, if he thought he'd like that, and he nodded.

-Yesterday afternoon, while we were out walking at the golf course, he asked about my symptoms. He wanted to know what all of them were and what they were like. He also wouldn't let me walk too close to a ravine or where any golf balls were flying around.

-I mentioned that, if all goes well, we'd probably get an ultrasound at 6 weeks or so, and he wanted to know what he'd see and what that meant. (Of course, I didn't know, so I looked it up.) He's asked me a couple of times what our risk of miscarriage is.

These things are a big, massive deal to me. In my culture, they way I grew up, men have traditionally been disengaged from their children. (I was pretty alienated from my dad until my early twenties - now we're very close, but it has taken a lot of work from both ends.) Corporal punishment was expected, and fathers never really talked to their kids (i.e., the whole Silent Angry Patriarch thing). It was Dad's Way or the highway. Mothers and aunts and grandmothers did all the real, daily work of parenting. Today, we would call this paternal neglect; perhaps bordering on child abuse. I don't want my husband to be disengaged from our child; I want this cycle to be broken. So to know that he is excited about this - imagining the future, wanting to be close to our child, involving himself - means a lot to me.

Repeat beta tomorrow, finally.

I realized yesterday that if this all goes well, DH will be able to spill the beans at the end of July, when his family goes on a weekend camping trip. That should work. I will tell my family first, though - which DH is fine with - because this will be my parents' first living grandchild. My dad is going to be beside himself - he loves babies.
_______________________________________________

Symptom update:

Getting tired easily in the afternoons.
Peeing a lot.
Little electric shocks in the bbs, but only occasionally.
Mild cramps and shocks in lower abdomen, but only occasionally.
Very aware of my ovaries - they must be huge, still.
Short periods of feeling overheated. Can't keep my laptop on my lap - I get too hot.
Smells seem sharper to me.
The mildest nausea once or twice a day; almost unnoticeable.

long weekend

I curse the long weekend. I want my repeat beta done today, not Tuesday.

DH is already wanting to know when he can tell his family, and that's got my knickers in a knot. I'd prefer not to tell anyone until I get a 'take home' baby - since anything could happen at any time - but I guess that is not realistic!

I think you are all lovely people - your congratulations and comments have all made me cry (in a good way!). Am starting to feel better now.

explanation of yesterday

Warning: If you're feeling sensitive, you may find this post offensive, so please feel free to skip. I would never want to offend or hurt any fellow TTC'ers.

As I mentioned, yesterday was a strange day. One of the most stressful days of my life.

First, for whatever reason, I wildly underestimated the time needed to get to the clinic. I don't know why I did this, since I know perfectly well how long it takes to get there. So we dashed to make it there on time.

B/w was over quickly. I went to the bathroom to 'feed the cervix.' Ran into the IVF nurse, who asked how I was doing. I said, "Terrible, nervous. Tested positive. These things can disappear so fast." She said, "Testing + is better than -. Hang in there - I'll phone you this afternoon." Me: "Yep, ok."

DH and I got breakfast, walked around the downtown for a while, and sat in a park. Finally I said, "Ok, I have to know - let's go home." While waiting at Union, I dialled my answering machine: no message. I was dying inside.

Fell asleep on the bus and wrenched my neck and back out of place again - hurray. Am walking like a robot.

Got home - DH put the message on speakerphone, so we heard it at the same time. 113, which is fine. Come in again on Tuesday.

I was shellshocked. I alternated between sadness and numbness. I cried and cried. DH freaked out: if everything is good, why is she upset? He hugged me. I walked to the bedroom, laid down on my bed and cried. DH didn't know what to do with me, and said sadly, "I can't wait until this ends because I want the real you back."

I don't know what's wrong with me. IF has really done a number on my brain and my heart. I don't know where I could find the old me. Don't get me wrong: I know I am thrilled.

So DH and I went grocery shopping and had dinner. I had a bath to try loosening up my back. Holy cow, it's bad - I needed help to get out of the tub.

Then DH put on music - sad songs - that I knew was a sign he wasn't doing well, either. He was missing his dad, who died a year and a half ago. Said he wants to name a boy after his dad (we already agreed a long time ago to do that). Gradually, with the help of a lot of beer, he was ok again (well, considering it's the loss of a beloved parent, as ok as it can be).

He started playing party songs and dancing all around. The dance party lasted for 2 hours, while I lay in agony on the couch, yet I laughed. lol

Then we got halfway through Benjamin Button - which is really good so far, incidentally - before he crashed and wiggled his way to bed. He had far too much to drink, which makes him really hilarious.

And so here we are. I'm in shock.

For the record: I officially HATE at-home pregnancy tests, and especially the double-liners. I hated them before, but now it's official. The sticks didn't get darker even though my HCG was obviously rising.

___________

Symptom update:

Thursday: lower abdomen cramps and ovaries started hurting again; cried over dumb things on TV; loads of watery cm; occasional 'shots' in the bbs.

Overnight: sore gums (huh?) and woke up in the middle of the night with a stabbing af-like cramp.

Friday: crampy abdomen and sore ovaries; a little dizzy and sensitive to smells' watery cm; occasional electrical 'sparks' in the bbs; cried over a stupid wedding show (and for the record, I think weddings are stupid).

But do not feel pregnant.

Thank you for the congratulations. I'm beyond grateful.

beta

Beta: 113. The nurse said that is fine, and I go in on Tuesday (have to wait 4 days instead of 2 because it's a long weekend) to repeat the b/w.

It's been a weird, weird day. Will post more tomorrow.

Thanks ever so much for the love, people. *Insert heart here*

ticker part deux

I keep checking the ticker, as though that's the real baby. Duh. Thinking I shouldn't have put it up there. I didn't do it out of some renewed sense of hope - I just did it because this is as far as I've gotten on this journey, and I wanted memories - even pathetic little ones - in case that's all I get.

I've been looking up what I should expect a good beta to be tomorrow. Sounds like I should have at least 130 or more. Way more than my pathetic lines are showing on the pee sticks. I really hate POAS, in case you couldn't tell by now.

Am praying that I get a chance for these little embryos.

ticker

I put up a ticker. Determined to cherish this for as long as it lasts, even if it's just a few days.

11dp5dt

Tested again this morning. It's still positive, but the line isn't any darker. I guess for for today that's as good as it gets.

Yesterday I didn't end up going to a walk-in; instead, I slept, partly to calm down and partly to pass the time.

I'm an effing idiot, too, for not just phoning my clinic to ask for an early beta: a fellow Hannam patient on an IVF board wrote to me late last night to say that they have had no problem with that in the past, if you call the nurse first. But by the time I would have phoned the nurse this morning, I'd have missed the last train to Toronto, so no go. I have to wait. I'm an idiot for not asking. My last clinic wouldn't do an early test, so I just assumed all REs were like that. (Most doctors in this country have God complexes, so it's hard to question them on anything.) My loss. I'm too passive; I really dislike that about myself.

Had some symptoms reappear yesterday, but just for a bit in the afternoon: super-mild nausea, watery cm, occasional electric twinges in my bbs, and feeling overheated. Then had some slight af-like cramps, which I'm not reading into, since I know that could mean anything. (I shouldn't bleed, anyway, until I stop the suppositories.)

Tomorrow's the big day. Beta in the morning; results around noon, I guess. DH and I are going in together. He wants to spend the whole day in Toronto, but if we get bad news, I won't be in the mood, since my life will be in ruins again.

What should my beta be on 12dp5dt? Fill in the blank: I can expect that it should be higher than ___. I checked that beta board web site, but there's a huge variation in 'safe' numbers. I know I've got at least 25 units - probably a bit more - because that's the minimum number that the $store test says it will pick up. I hope it's higher than 25, though, because that means I'd have a really low number tomorrow, and that is often a bad sign. But I guess it's not the number that matters: it's the doubling time. Low numbers are less than ideal, though...

Thanks for waiting it out with me. Am going crazy. I'm tethered to Google. I have the emotional stability of a colicky infant. I crave an Ativan tablet, but don't know if it's safe. Yuuuuck. I need wine to go with my whine.

10dp5dt: in the depths of POAS hell

I tested again this morning with FMU, and it still looks like a BFN, or at least the suggestion of a chemical. There is a whisper of a ghost of a line. I don't know what to think, though I do know that if I were pregnant, I should have A SOLID LINE on it by now.

I can't post pictures - both my cameras refuse to upload them. And anyway, you can't see the anything of the almost-nonexistent test line on the shots, so sticking them here would be pointless.

I don't have a gp - they're in short supply and I'm on a number of waiting lists - so can't get a beta done there. I really don't think my RE will order one early, and besides, it's too late to go there today. A walk-in might be my best shot, but would I get the results today?

I hate this.

scared

I am really scared and feel that God hates me and doesn't want me to be happy. DH saw it all on my face as soon as he walked in the door. I didn't tell him that I tested this afternoon and got a BFN, but I did say that all my symptoms disappeared; I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but this is exactly what happened last time.

I wonder: if I went to a walk-in clinic tomorrow and requested a beta, would they do it? Or would my IVF info flash on the computer screen - hence, 'forcing' them to say no?

What is the reasoning, exactly, behind IF clinics making us wait so long for these things?

I really wish I could go somewhere and just pay for a damn blood test.

:(

I'm so bummed. I tested with a Dollar Store stick - sensitivity is listed at 25 units - and it looks like a BFN. I know FMU is best, but I thought that by 9dp5dt (equivalent to 14 dpo) - and I haven't had much to drink all day - it didn't matter as much.

Shouldn't my HCG be over 25 by now?

Please, don't let this be a chemical.

And all my symptoms I just described before are gone. This is exactly what happened last time.

I wish I hadn't told DH yesterday. :(

9dp5dt: told DH last night

I told DH last night. He was very reticent about it, which didn't surprise me. And he wasn't pleased that I'd already contacted a midwife, but when I explained why I did it, he was ok. He's just trying to protect our hearts. He told me that he took all of Friday off, though, to accompany me to the beta.

(He is still 'pouting' about 'the guys' belonging to Dr H and not to him. lol)

Okay, now I really will perseverate over my symptoms, and I won't blame them entirely on the Prometrium and the Estrace.

~After IVF #1, on the evening of 10dp3dt, I got the sure sign I was knocked up: 'zingers' in my uterus that I'd never felt before. And I started feeling them again last night, for about an hour.

~My saliva is running constantly, as though a plate of fresh, sunwarmed raspberries - topped with cream and sugar - was just placed in front of me ... but I have no spoon. :( This is very sad! lol

~I am freakishly hot, and have never experienced this before. DH started to hold my hand two days ago, and then dropped it. He looked at me curiously and said, "There's heat radiating from you."

3 days until beta. I continue to wait. I wish that those pee sticks could tell us how much HCG is kicking around! I think I'll buy a few cheap tests today (maybe at the Dollar Store - thanks, Michele, for the recommendation!), just to keep checking.

Is it too much to ask for rain so that DH has to cancel golf and come home? ;) I'm dying here all by myself, with huge news, and no one to obsess with!!!

had to move fast

Don't laugh.

Though I'm in complete shock and fear about this, I just did an intake with a midwifery service back home. I really want a midwife, and it's almost impossible to get one in our area, so I had to call ASAP (and I'm still not guaranteed acceptance).

I can always cancel if things go badly.

The person doing the intake knew nothing about IVF. She wanted to know the date of my last period, and I had to explain to her why it wasn't relevant. This isn't a slight on her. It's just that, as she said herself, I was the first woman she's come across who's ever done IVF. Everyone around there gets pregnant easily and 'naturally' except for me.

I hope I haven't jinxed myself somehow. It would be awful to phone back to cancel.

8dp5dt: no really, happy mother's day to me?

I couldn't wait until tomorrow; I was a ball of nerves all weekend. If those dang tests were as sensitive as they say, I reasoned that today was just as good as tomorrow.

Yes+. (Of course, today of all days, both of my cameras refuse to load the picture onto my computer...)

I'm of two minds about this: one mind is thrilled and the other is $hit-scared. I know all this test means is that I have HCG in my system, but who knows how much. There's no way this could still be the trigger, could it?

I want this so much I feel as though it'll be taken away again. With that in mind, I'm going to break the news to DH in a very low-key way. He's out golfing after work; I don't think he'll be home until 9 tonight. I think I'll just say simply that I tested early, and I'll give him the stick.

I'm scared! But out of sheer gratitude I want to go kiss Dr Hannam square on the lips! I mean it! lol

Thank you so much, you guys, for the prayers, well wishes, good vibes, etc. I know they helped. Please, if you're able, keep them coming. This is the closest I've ever gotten.

7dp5dt...Happy MD to me (*rolls eyes*)

I guess I could POAS already - especially if my test is supposedly so sensitive to HCG - but why torment myself with a negative on Mother's Day?

Besides, I'd rather pretend to be pregnant today - maybe it's the only real MD I'll ever have. (This isn't a plea for sympathy; again, just bein' realistic.) Pretending is not that hard: the drugs are messing with me. Yesterday I had (the mildest) nausea, abdominal crampiness, sore bbs, and an overheated body. But, really, none of it's anything to get excited over: I double-checked the s/e of Estrace and Prometrium, and everything I have can be blamed on those dang supps.

There is just no way to know for sure until the beta(s).

I hate Mother's Day, incidentally, partly because it's just a big fat commercial grab. I have never made a big deal of MD; instead, I try to be nice to my mom all the time. I do things for her, call her, take her shopping, wash the dishes for her, etc. Isn't that nicer, anyway? So I will phone my mom tonight and talk with her for an hour, and I know she'll like that better than a bouquet of flowers. I'm not cheap, incidentally. I'd just rather spend money and time on people in different ways.

The other reason I hate MD is because, really, our society does not value mothers, and it hasn't for at least the last 2,000 years (e.g., read Adrienne Rich's Of Woman Born). Mothers are among the most overworked and undervalued people around. One day out of the year to 'honour Mother' is not enough.

You want to honour moms? Why not:
a) support teen moms and single moms? E.g., if we want to be pro-life, and encourage women and girls with unexpected pregancies to birth their children and then either raise them themselves or place for adoption, we have to start giving emotional and financial support to this issue. Put the $ where the mouth is. Everyone's got an opinion, but how many people are actually doing anything about it?;
b) have a funded public daycare system, so that women who don't want to be SAHM (or who are feeling extremely overwhelmed) can get out of isolation?;
c) change the public attitude toward 'biological' children and 'adopted' children so that infertility doesn't have to be a big effing secret, and so that adoption could be a first choice for everybody, not just infertiles?;
d) give infertile women a public and ritualized way to grieve failed cycles and miscarried and stillborn children, so that their sorrow is publicly recognized rather than being a big fat dirty secret?
e) realize that it's not just 'birth moms' who are mothers? Where, in the word 'Mom,' are the adoptive moms, the aunts, the sisters, the female cousins, the teachers, the friends, and Mother Earth? We've got to re-broaden the definition of motherhood. You all know as well as I do that in our hearts, which are situated above an empty uterus, we are mothers, too. We've chosen a very long, hard, and heartrending road to get to a child. If that doesn't make a Mom, I don't know what does.

THAT all would show Mom (I'm speaking abstractly here, of course) that we love her and ourselves.

This is my rant, and I'm proud of it. :)

Maybe I'm contradicting myself here, but I do have a most beautiful MD story to share. Remember the hilarious movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? (If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?) The very talented writer and star, Nia Vardalos, struggled for years with infertility. Eventually a three-year-old girl was placed for adoption with her and her husband (Ian Gomez, from Felicity), and they are overjoyed. She wrote a an immensely touching piece about it for People magazine, including a gorgeous story about her priest's blessing of the child. I encourage you to read it, if you're able.

Happy MD to you, today and every day.

the poetics of poas

Ok, a few days ago I talked about what kind of pee stick to buy. I like the fact that the two-liners are cheaper, but I find them impossible to decipher. Digitals cost more, but the results are clear: it's either Yes and Amen! or You Suck!.

I have always been under the impression that digitals were less sensitive than the 'two-liners,' and my previous RE said this to me, too, so I wasn't planning to go digital this time. But several of you folks commented to me that the opposite was true. I think you guys know more than my RE on this topic, since she herself is perfectly fertile, and has a bunch of kids. (I.e., so how much could she really know about the finer points of pee sticks?)

I wondered what to do, then, at this obviously critical juncture of my life. I need to know what to pee on! I must be more discriminating than, for example, the average fire-hydrant-fascinated-dog.

So I went to www.peeonastick.com, which is a wealth of information on poas, including a handy chart on the sensitivity level of many kinds of pregnancy tests. However, I'm leery of the results, partly because it seems to be an American site, so who knows if the Canadian equivalents are the same or not? Plus some of the Canadian brands aren't included on the chart, anyway.

I ended up trusting you guys and buying a First Response digital. This despite my annoyance with First Response TV commercials, which claim that "science is getting close" to being able to tell you "the moment you're pregnant." Bu!!shit, as we all know! There's a better chance of our belly buttons turning purple on successful implantation, in my humble opinion.

However, the First Response was cheaper than the Clearblue by $6, so my pocketbook won out. I was content, and stashed the stupidly neon pink box under the bathroom sink so that DH won't find it, since he most assuredly doesn't want me to test on my own. (Right, as though I'm going to wait until Friday for the beta. I need to know ASAP whether or not my body is harbouring mutant life.)

Now, I saw on www.ivfconnections.com - on the 2ww board - that a very trustworthy Canadian vet shared her experience with digitals. She got a positive on a digital when her beta that day was only 7 (and it was a chemical pregnancy). I thought all tests picked up between 25-50 units of HCG, so this was news to me.

I do not want false hope. I don't want a test to pick up such a low level of HCG, then get all excited, and then find out again via my beta that it's not viable.

I'm really glad I happened across that vet's post, though, so that I know this in advance. I will still use the First Response on Tuesday morning, but if I get a positive, I know now not to get too excited until the beta. I wouldn't have gotten that crazy, anyway, since I'd be too scared to be happy, but now I'm aware that I really can't go any shade of crazy.

6dp5dt

Two more days after today.

DH took me for a long drive last night, a fish 'n' chips dinner, and ice cream at a rural stand. That was nice; it was so warm and sunny outside.

Have nothing new to say. Just waiting. Trying to get my thesis done within two weeks, since we're moving at the end of June.

Oh, one new thing. Yesterday I bought the pee stick that I'm gonna use on Tuesday. (A digital, so there's no guessing.) Not to pressure myself or anything.

Oh, I am seriously going mad!

My favourite barista at my local coffee shop told me that it's a full moon tomorrow, and due to my particular astrological sign, I'll be under extra emotional pressure this weekend.

Seriously, that's what he said to me, unbidden! I groaned aloud!

5dp5dt, and thinking about that other 19%

After today, three more days to wait.

The sick-dread feeling is starting to set in. I woke up early with a racing heart (and the urgent need to pee, of course!).

I know I should just chill out. I was briefly pregnant last time with at least one of the crappy three-day embryos, so I know I stand a much better chance now with these blasts. 81%, as I was quoted by my RE, who also implied that he'll be surprised if I don't get a positive beta. It doesn't get much better than that, and I really don't have a right to post about my anxiety. Odds are that I have nothing to worry about.

But the what-ifs are creeping in. That other 19%. Who's to say I won't fall on the wrong side of statistics again? Someone has to.

I'm not whining: just being realistic.

I don't feel all that different. Every symptom I have - e.g., hot flashes, a dizzy-ish spell yesterday, some pulling feelings in my abdomen, super-sore bbs - can be blamed on leftover HCG from the trigger, Prometrium, and the Estrace.

Dr H said that if I got pg, my OHSS would get worse. But I feel all better. :( I guess I wouldn't have enough HCG built up, though, to re-trigger the OHSS, right? (I hope I'm right on this point.)

I think this is a slight folly of IVF'ers (for many of us, anyway) who make it to transfer: we know there were embryos placed in our womb, so we believe we should feel something, anything. We're indoctrinated to believe that symptoms should kick in immediately, and when we do have them, we oughta know it's because of the leftover HCG and the progesterone and the estrogen pills ... but we still believe in our hearts that since we're 'pregnant until proven otherwise,' we should know.

I went through this worry during IVF #1. I didn't feel anything - even though I knew it was too early for that - so I reasoned that it failed. I went through nights screaming. I did feel something the night before I got a true +: twinges in my uterus that I'd never experienced before. Then I knew. And then I did get confirmation on 11dp3dt, my one and only confirmed - though shortlived - BFP. I have to remind myself of this experience. I wish I had blogged during that time so that I could reread my words from that time and reassure myself that it's ok not to feel anything so soon. It's too early for symptoms.

It's so hard, this not knowing.

I do have the frozens, so if I get a BFN, it's not completely over. I have to think of this, too. Though I'd have to wait a year to do an FET, since we'll be living so far away. And we're too broke from all our IF treatments to do it immediately. DH and I were laughing last night because as of July 1, we have NO income until the middle of September. What else can we do but laugh?

(I just keep thinking: if it's negative, how will I ever break the news to DH?)

I'm not asking for sympathy here. What I'm feeling isn't unusual for anyone in this kind of situation. But thanks for listening!

4dp5dt, and thinking about 'fertile' vs 'infertile'

Implications of suddenly being rendered 'fertile'

I've been thinking about my current fertility status: Am I really an infertile?

From Day 1 of TTC, more than seven years ago, I was considered the infertile one. For my first RE, it seemed like an easy diagnosis, I guess. I had PCOS. I was charting, though, and while it was clear to me that I was only anovulatory very, very rarely (i.e., never), the RE looked only at one month's worth of temp-taking - which happened to be the one anovulatory chart I had - and said that I was anovulatory, period (no pun intended). He didn't look at any of my ovulatory charts. DH did two basic semen analyses, and though his results were deemed 'on the low side' of the numbers, no further testing was done.

So I worked to make myself fertile. I was already eating well and exercising, so I wasn't sure what else I could do, but I kept trying. I added supplements. I kept reducing bad carbs. I did the prescribed Clomid, even though I didn't see how it was going to help. Nothing. It did help to lengthen my short-ish luteal phase, though, which was a good thing.

I pushed and pushed for more diagnostic tests for myself: HSG, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy. Bloodwork was great (I had lowered my LH:FSH from 78:4 to the normal 1:1, all without medication). Everything was considered normal, even excellent. Ovaries actually didn't look too bad. I was ovulating on my own every 30-38 days, and sustaining a 14-day luteal phase.

I kept wondering: if I'm ovulating and everything is normal, why am I not pregnant without medical intervention? After 3 or 4 years of trying on our own, I kept thinking that I should have ended up with something.

New clinic. RE says that I likely have a subtle hormone imbalance that we'll work to correct, and I should end up pregnant through injects and IUIs. I said hesitantly that I didn't think she'd find anything. She disagreed. I was right.

The IUI showed severe male factor. The first IVF confirmed this fact. Out of 11 mature (good quality) eggs, only 5 fertilized (whereas 80% fertilization is usually the norm), 2 died on Day 3, and I got pregnant with two 'average' Day 3-ers, but miscarried. We had wanted to try going to blast, but the clinic didn't recommend it, for obvious reasons. The RE recommended donor sperm.

Now, our new RE - who is fabulous, in case I haven't said that often enough - ordered every male factor test I requested, plus more. And it seems that, though DH's swimmers are defunct in every which way on the exterior, the interior seems to be okay. Then, with the ongoing help of Coast Reproductive Male Fertility vitamins, distilled fish oil supplements, a produce-based organic diet, exercise, little alcohol and lots of water - as well as (I think) a better lab and better embryologist - we got six embryos grown to blasts.

Lesson #1 for me: you get what you pay for. This current RE cost more, but we definitely got our money's worth. DH says he won't even consider moving the frozens elsewhere: when we use them for FET, we'll fly back to the current clinic.

Lesson #2 for me: be more assertive. I'm too much of a pushover. My #1 regret in TTC-ing is that I didn't push the issue regarding testing THE OTHER HALF OF THE BABY-MAKING TEAM. A simple sperm wash done immediately - and which costs only around $200 - would have revealed the male factor, thereby saving us years of heartache, and years of me beating myself up for not being 'fertile.'

So am I fertile? Or am I infertile? I guess it depends on how those terms are defined. I mean, I still have no baby in my arms. And, thanks to doctors' misdiagnoses, I've considered myself infertile for so long, that's how I feel inside. I do not identify with 'fertiles.' Yet, really, clinically speaking, I am not infertile. All my functions work; I just ovulate a few days later than what's considered 'normal.' If I were baby-making with someone who had no fertility problems, I know I would have been knocked up a long time ago. (I don't know if I could carry a pregnancy, obviously, since we haven't gotten that far yet, but I do know in my heart that I wouldn't have a problem getting pregnant to begin with.)

But the idea of being fertile is new knowledge for me, and hard to wrap my head around. I am trying, though, to reconcile myself to my fertile body.

I guess, though - looking at this issue from another perspective - that this is a partnership, and so if my DH is infertile, so am I. It really sucks. But thank goodness we finally found a proper doctor who really wants to help.

Note to my Mutant friends, Valleiko and Sara: Do you guys have my e-mail addy? I'm dying to talk to you, and I can't find my Mutant e-mail list.

DH (meaning 'dear husband,' not Dr Hannam! lol)

I'm starting to think that DH wants this even more than I do.

E.g.:

~IVF #2 was his idea.

~He was perfectly lovely during the ER and afterward. E.g., he stroked my hair and held my hand while I endured the second Egg Retrieval from Hell. During ET, he was miffed because I didn't squeeze his hand harder when I was in pain.
(He is usually very cuddly, though...)

~He phoned me from work five times (the morning of the 3rd day after retrieval) to get the embie report.

~In the event that this IVF works, he has already decided that he will tell his side of the family via his 9-year-old niece (my darling), and that she can decide what order in which to tell people. (I have no clue how I'd tell anyone - the idea of spreading the news would terrify me. I used to think about this, but now I've blocked it all out.)

~He stares reverently at my porn star boobs and swollen stomach. I ask peevishly what he wants, and he says, "You look soooo hot." (Oh, I guess this warrants a TMI alert. lol)

~I told him the other day that my waist gained an inch overnight (due to OHSS), and he made up a song about how his guys grew an inch, and he sang it for half an hour and waved his socks around for emphasis.

~On our way out the door last night, he patted my belly softly.

As much as I complain about him sometimes, I've come to realize that our occasional fights are always the result of either miscommunication (e.g., I've said a word that he doesn't know, or he meant something that I misinterpreted) or the difference in our birth order (e.g., I'm eldest and he's youngest, so he can be whiny sometimes, whereas I can be a perfectionist). Despite the fact that we're nearly polar opposites, we're really perfect for each other. Good thing, too, because I was never crazy about the whole marriage thing, so it's good that it's all working out.

I just can't believe my luck: that he wants this, too. He wants a baby with me.

Is it a cliche already to say I really hope this works?

update

Just went for a sleep study last night at a sleep disorder clinic. I don't know what the point of that was, actually. This IVF cycling has messed up my sleep cycle - I'm sleeping earlier, waking earlier, and getting up twice a night to pee - so I hope my clinician got accurate data. That bed sucked, so I'm zonked and sore now. But happy that I finally got a sleep study done, since I've been on a waiting list for years.

IVF nurse phoned me yesterday; now I have to e-mail her every day with my OHSS data, since some of my symptoms are wonky. I'm glad the RE is so 'with it' regarding this stuff. I had mild OHSS last time, and my previous clinic never checked with me to see how I was doing. They didn't ask even though my E2 went way over 15,000!

After today, I have to live through five more days until testing...

Btw: I liked reading all the responses to my last post (on imagined children), so thanks for sharing. Please do not worry if you post a contrary opinion - I like to know what people are thinking when I post opinions. And everyone's in a different situation, and has different reasons for why they would or wouldn't. (I may have gotten the title wrong for Long-Awaited Stork - I'll have to check. I read so many IF books when I was doing graduate work on the topic, I think I may have mixed some of them up in my mind!)

Am gonna post later about my DH. He knows about this blog, though he's never read it, and I have strict instructions not to write about him, but I do anyway. *Rolls eyes* How can I write about IF without talking about him? Anyway, I have some nice things to say, so why not?

(Oh, DH did say I was supposed to tell you all that none of those embryos are HIS babies - they are Dr. H's. He knows because he saw the doctor do it. *Roll eyes again*)

theoretical children

I don't ever, contrary to many fertiles' misconceptions about infertiles, construct imaginary children. E.g., I don't think about a child with Daddy's nose and Mommy's toes. Why torture myself, you know?

This is why I take offense to many critics and self-help-book writers (e.g., I seem to recall that The Long-Awaited Stork is one of them) who 'kindly' advise infertile women that their expectations for their as-yet unconceived offspring are unreasonable. These critics seem to believe that ALL infertile women create dream children in dream homes with dream partners, and that everyone is happy all day long. These critics simply assume that all infertiles construct fertile worlds for themselves, and they chastise us for making up 'perfect' children to dream about.

I have never taken a flight of fantasy about my future children - why make myself hurt worse than I do already? - so I don't understand why so many fertiles have this stereotype about us. I think fertiles worry that if we infertiles do eventually have kids, we'll have unrealistic expectations of our offspring. I beg to differ; I'd say the opposite situation would be in force: I think we've had more time to observe what kids are really like and to consider our parenting styles. I know I have.

Maybe I'm an anomaly, though. Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe everyone else does fantasize? Don't get me wrong - I am a dreamer, an imaginative person. I see shapes and colours and possibilities where many others see only futility. But I can't bring my imaginative life to the nonsense that is TTC. It would hurt too much.

If you're interested in this topic (and especially if you disagree with me, perhaps), British author Hilary Mantel has a poignant memoir entitled Giving Up the Ghost in which she discusses infertility and her imagined child, a daughter. Mantel had really terrible endo and was never able to have a baby, and so she describes her ordeal of handling her relationship to her imaginary daughter who could never be: her process of giving up her dearly beloved ghost.

update

Ribs feel much, much better: today I can breathe without pain.

Fluid buildup around my abdomen remains, but it's not bothering me (just making my jeans tight).

This new peeing at night habit must end (unless it develops into a bonafide pregnancy symptom, of course). I got up twice last night to go to the bathroom. Pain in the @ss.

7 days until testing.

beta

My nurse just called. Apparently the lab still had an extra six embies they were watching last night (this is on top of the four frozens), but they all arrested this morning. Perhaps they would have done better in vivo - who knows? Gives me a weird feeling.

My beta has been moved to Friday, May 15. I don't know why, but I didn't ask because that was fine with me!

I will start testing on the 12th, though. And not a moment sooner, you POAS pushers out there! You know who you are! ;) hahaha

Seriously, I do need in-person help with the POAS thing. Though I do know how to pee on a stick all by myself, I cannot decode and interpret those tests to save my life. (I never was one for using them in the first place: I always waited for af, though in retrospect I wish I hadn't.) I could just get a digital, but they're not as sensitive to HCG.

Plus I need the moral support!

OHSS watch

I gained an inch around my waist overnight, but my weight stayed the same (possibly even a pound less).

My ribs don't hurt as much this morning.

Is the fluid just shifting around?

We ended up with ...

Six strong blasts!

Wow.

I was so startled to hear these words - straight from Dr H's mouth - that I missed most of what he said afterward.

I was hoping - best-case scenario - that we'd have one or two ok ones for transfer.

Six exceeds my wildest expectations.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that after all of our shitty luck on this crap for years and years ... something actually went according to plan (so far...).

Doc verified my OHSS status. I do have fluid leaking into my torso: that is why it hurts to breathe, walk too fast, laugh, sneeze, etc. He said we were taking a risk by transferring in spite of the OHSS - since the symptoms will get worse if pregnancy occurs - but that he was willing to try it, if I was.

The embryologist did assisted hatching yesterday, but apparently it wasn't really needed, as all the embies were hatching independently. YEAH!!!

The transfer itself - of 2 - went smoothly. I had to piss like a racehorse, so DH kept humming in my ear a song he made up about Niagara Falls and bubbling brooks.(Thanks, honey.)

I got to keep the petri dish. I don't know what I'll do with it. I guess it'll make an interesting candy dish. I didn't get a picture, like I did last time. But I don't care.

Dr H said that our chance of a clinical pregnancy this round is 81%, and if it doesn't work, then a subsequent FET should (crossed fingers) do the trick. He said that our cycle was near-perfect - ah! I fear those words! let's not jinx it all! - and that in the 'IVF World,' we are both considered very fertile. (So I guess DH's sample turned out pretty good, after all! The extra strength vitamins and organic food and exercise did make a big difference.) The doctor also said that if we were living in a country that funded IVF (like Israel), he would just say to keep trying, and that we would eventually succeed.

Wow, wow, wow.

I'm embarrassed to say all this. I was even hesistant to write it all out here: feel like I'm going to jinx it.

And I feel guilty, thinking about everyone else I know in the blogosphere whose TTC plans have gone awry.

Another couple was in at the same time, and from what we gathered (there was only a cloth curtain separating us, otherwise I never would have listened in), all their embies arrested overnight, and they were left with nothing to transfer. That could have been us. That should have been us.

______________________________________________

Afterward, we walked to a tiny little creperie and had the most fantastic French crepes ever: brie with raspberry jam. Oh my goodness. DH stared lustfully at my crepe, but I did not allow him to have a bite! And I snagged a cream cheese-salmon-dill crepe, as well, for an afternoon snack!

The sun was dancing up and down in the bosom of the sky! ;)
______________________________________________

Finally, I went for acupuncture. Was too wound up to sleep: I just wanted to go yell my joy with DH!

sick.....

I'm sick. I rarely get sick. Maybe once/year? So of course I'm ill the day before transfer. My timing is impeccable.

In case it is not just the flu (and considering my weird muscle symptoms), my nurse said I had to start chugging Gatorade, too, and to phone the RE and go to emerg if it gets worse. (Yes, another reason why I like this clinic - the emergency phone is with the doctor himself.)

So I'm gonna drink yucky Gatorade and watch the first few episodes of Season 3 of The Tudors. It's available online. which is good, since it's not airing in Canada, for whatever dumb reason.

And I have my good friend, Percocet. So it's all good. :D

preparing for tomorrow

Ok, antibiotics are sliding down the hatch!

This is all I can do!

Should I shave my legs? I'd feel like a total IF virgin if I did, but maybe it would add a nice touch? lol

Btw, is it normal for all my torso muscles to hurt after ER? It is painful to breathe deeply, to sneeze, to cough, to walk fast, etc. It's not the interior (e.g., lungs) that hurts: it's definitely the muscles from my ribs to my pelvis. I asked DH if I was restrained during the ER - since I don't remember all of it - and he said no. I told my nurse, and she didn't seem concerned.

*Shrug*

Thanks again for all the prayers and well wishes! Also someone a few weeks ago (you know who you are) sent me a highly sarcastic shot of baby dust, which made me laugh my a$$ off! I just remembered it now and laughed again (even though that makes my stomach hurt! haha), so thanks!

phew!

still have 15 embies

3 are ideal in terms of cell division

2 are a bit slower, but still good

the other 10 are behind that, but still alive

the nurse said - as i knew - to expect a drop-off between now and sunday, especially considering the male factor, but that the odds are in our favour because we have so many of them

oh my gosh, i am so relieved, i could cry again (wiseguy, you'd better slap me!)

i don't get an update tomorrow - boo! but the nurse says it's because of the risk to the embies (i.e., taking them out of incubation to view them isn't in their best interest), so it's safer for them to remain undisturbed

anything that's best for them is fine by me

transfer is still scheduled for sunday morning - i can't believe that we might actually make it to blast

i love you, embies - my heart has been kind of reserved about this process (you understand, right, given the last time? and all the times before?) - but i cannot wait

update

Feel as though I'm tied to the phone. Every call now is life or death.

Waitingwaitingwaiting.

Any time now...

Doesn't the clinic know I can't do anything until I know how my embies are doing? Arghhhhh...

ETA: It's 11:30 a.m. - past the time the nurse usually calls - and nothing yet. Am getting really nervous.

ETA: It's 11:52 a.m., and DH just tried to phone. Gave me a heart attack. I didn't answer - I need the clinic's call!

ETA: 12:05 p.m. DH phoned again, wanting to know the report. He asked if I was ok. I said in a small voice, "I am so nervous."

ETA: 12:35 p.m. DH again. My heart cannot sustain this clinic-unrelated tweeting of the phone!