spelunking in the pelvic nether regions...

Went to the ill-timed doctor appointments today (i.e., they had to happen the day after I felt like giving up...).

Dh did another semen analysis. First time he's had to perform at the clinic, though; the last 2 times he did it at home and had me bring in the samples.

Anyway, the morphology concerned the doctor (it was something like 2% rather than 4%), although the motility and numbers were above average, so she is asking him to do it again. Surprise, surprise, dh didn't bellyache about any of this like he did the last time. Apparently it helped to have porn on the TV in the 'deposit' room. I know we're supposed to be Christian and all, but I had no 'issue' (ha ha, no pun intended) with it. And no apologies about it, either. Sometimes there are exceptions to the rules, but I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.

Now dh told me that the problem lies with him and not with me. He was matter-of-fact about it. I don't agree with him, really, but whatever. I hope his pride isn't injured. I know that's a big thing for guys.

After this, we ran around the city until the first of my 2 appointments at the clinic. I was very sensitive to start with, and dh made the innocent mistake of going into a kids' toy store (he loves Hot Wheels), and I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying all morning.

I pulled myself together for the afternoon's round of pelvic invasion.

My pelvic exam gave me a shock. It started off well, as soon as I commenced talking. lol I'm much more relaxed if the tech/doc and I have a conversation as the dildo is spelunking in my nether regions. Ha ha. I gave her the history of vibrators in Victorian England (doctors used to use them on their female patients in order to relieve 'hysteria' and 'nervousness'). Okay, I've studied far too much nineteenth century British history, I know!

Here is the shocker, though: The tech says that there is no evidence that my right ovary is anovulatory, as my previous doctor said (and which I believed to be true, given that I'd never felt mittelschmerz from it). To boot, she says that my ovaries do not appear polycystic at all. I didn't see the screen because I want to throw up when I see my ovaries, but dh (who was watching the whole exam) concurred with her statements. She questioned, in fact, how I got the PCOS diagnosis in the first place, since my bloodwork is also normal.

HUH?

Dang it, I should have asked the RE herself. I'll have to do that next time. I need some time to process that information, first.

Anyway, so then we met with the RE. She gave us the results from a bunch of tests (including the semen analysis). So I do not test positive for syphilis: what a relief! LOL

The most important thing: after I finally have my CD 3 bloodwork done (likely on Sunday or Monday), get my fasting glucose results, and finish our consultation (on March 19) with the genetic counselor, we will meet in order to plan the first medicated cycle. And that will be....May 1. I kid you not - she's booked that far ahead. So dh got us onto a cancellation list, and there weren't too many patients ahead of us, so I think there's a good chance that we'll get in in early April. I hope.

Ugh, too much information all at once. My mind is.shutting.off.

Thinking about giving up

Before I went to bed last night, I looked up IUDs on-line. I wished I could get one.
Today I was in a daze, and everywhere were babies. Facebook, phone conversations, celebrity culture ... everything is about babies.
When my husband picked me up from school, I said, "I had a rough night."
He asked, "Why?"
"I think I'm pretty much done with the baby thing. I can't do this anymore," I replied.
He was quiet for a second, and said that he supported me no matter what. I appreciate that about him (so much), but I wish I knew if he were really okay with it.

__________

On the SoulCysters web site, I asked the administrator about the possibility of a childfree forum, given that none exists, and it is a legitimate choice about one's family situation. I'd like to be able to talk about this with other women who've already made the decision. But I got a really cutting response from her ("NO"), since she assumed that I wanted to start a forum where no one would be allowed to talk about children. Good grief. You'd think she'd be more understanding.

__________

I thought all day about what I'd be able to do if I had no children. I would've rearranged my twenties, that's for sure. I wouldn't have gone into teaching, most likely. Probably wouldn't have bought a house. I would have traveled more. I would be in a job that meant more to me.

Of course, I can't change the past, so I tried to imagine my future. Way more travel. I could go to Israel, Vietnam, Brazil. I could backpack in Africa. I could teach English in Thailand. I could do my Ph.D. I could have great cars, a nice house, and couture clothing. Those things would all be great; I'm not saying that they don't mean something to me. But somehow I just can't imagine that yet.

In the meantime, I'll make another trek to the doctor tomorrow.

??

I really want to know where God is. I've pretty much given up on God, and I don't want to hear any reassurances that God hasn't given up on me.
I have been faithful and patient. I've even thanked God for this tribulation, as it has strengthened me as a person.
But now I've had enough of it. I am seeing my nephews and nieces having children, and within the next year I expect my two younger brothers to announce impending arrivals. I can't deal with it anymore.

Feel like giving up, for real.

Well, it's 13 dpo, and I started spotting yesterday afternoon. So, if you recall my scientific proposal to test the 'just relax and go on vacation and get knocked up' hypothesis, I was right, and fertile people are wrong. While I should feel comforted to be proven correct, I'm kinda down about it.

For the first time, I feel like giving up on TTC. It's been so long (almost 6 years) of unsuccessful trying, and it's taken almost two years just to get proper medical assistance.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the waiting. Waiting to bleed, waiting to ovulate, then waiting for a positive test that never arrives. I'm tired of all the fads, like cinnamon and fish oil. I'm tired of timed sex. I'm tired of on-line information-hunting all the time. I'm tired of envying other people for their children. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I think I need a very, very long TTC break - with contraception so that I stop thinking about 'what if' - but if I decided to return to the baby roulette game, I'd probably have to wait yet another a year for medical help.

I'm so tired of it all, and I just want to lay it down.

Back from a baby-making vacay.

Back from seductive Cuba. (Viva Cuba! Cuba Si!)
We were away for 2 weeks. I had a wonderful time, and was able to forget, for the most part, about TTC.
I did o, though, at the end of the first week. Strangely, I had o pain for 4 straight days. I was wondering if I was getting a cyst or something.
So now I'm 10 dpo, and waiting.
Our appointment with the specialist is on Thursday, though, so we'll get the last of our testing done. I'm hoping and praying that we can start a medicated cycle next month. I'm not holding my breath for a + in 4 days, although I SHOULD get one, considering I took the standard 'fertile-friend' advice to go on vacation and just relax!

My poor, lovely little man

I can't believe I ever thought that dh didn't want children.

Two days ago, I was looking through the Christmas pictures I took with his family. At least 35% of them involve him with his small nieces and nephews (especially the nephews!). In one particular picture, he is sitting on a loveseat, face to face with his 3-year-old great-nephew, who is reclining on his lap. I took a closer look at my dh's face, and he is intent on whatever he was saying to the little boy at the time. I didn't realize that that intensity is the same as love.

I felt naive for ever questioning dh's desire to expand our family. Of course he wants children; I can see that in his eyes in that particular picture. He just doesn't say so because he knows what the additional stress would do to me. So he pretends the opposite.

Aw, what a dear man. And LOL - I feel so dumb for not realizing all this earlier!

finding soulmates in unexpected places

A textbook example of irony: I, a 'barren' woman, am taking an Education course on maternal theory.

Via e-mail, I asked my professor of the course (she's also my thesis advisor) about my topic for my seminar: the irony of being infertile while being paid to care for other people's children. I was too shy to talk about it in class, since I didn't want to deal with undesired 'advice' and pitying looks. However, I adore this professor, and her opinion matters to me.

So I shared with her a bit of what I'm enduring, and I attached the transgressive essay I wrote about it last semester, which was a bang-up piece of writing, if I do say so myself.

She replied by praising my writing, and then asked if I wanted to hear another story about it. (I thought to myself, "No, not really....") She said she's been through the same thing.

I bawled all over my office at the university. Tears everywhere. Dh says she must be my soulmate. :)

A scientific study about TTC and going on vacation

Ok, I'm designing a research study.

Please feel free to check my findings for reliability, validity, etc., etc. Sorry, I don't have the technical lingo down pat. I'm only on page 77 of my research methods textbook. lol

Principal investigator: Yours truly

Research problem: Fertile people tell infertile women to go on vacation, and poof, they'll be pg.

Hypothesis: That the above statement is a piece of garbage.

Method: Yours truly will go on a 2-week vacation next week to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the Caribbean. She will rest and relax on the beach. During this 2-week span, she will ovulate. She and her dh will bd at appropriate times (i.e., before and during ovulation). After 14 days, she will use an HPT to attempt to detect pg.

Expected findings: After the 2ww, she will find that she is once again not pg.

Implications: The results will revoke the validity of the "go on vacation!" hypothesis that is so often forwarded by highly fertile people.