update

Ok, I've had basically no internet access for the last 10 days, since I was back home, where I know many people who don't even know what internet is. Literally. It was great to see family and friends again, but I'm exhausted from driving around and visiting.

Did tell my parents about the m/c, failed cycles, IVF, etc. Wish I hadn't. They did not know how to respond, and ended up changing the subject. I guess miscarriages don't count as real children? Or my parents just didn't know how to handle that kind of news? I don't know. Maybe I'll write more about it later. I don't want to get myself down right now, since I'm in a decent mood.

Update on the shaking situation. I still haven't gotten the blood panel done, since I'm in the U.S. right now for a conference presentation. But I drank a bunch of milk and Gatorade (not at the same time), ate meat and bananas (also not at the same time), and got some sunshine. And now all the shakes are gone, even my nighttime ones. So it seems that I was low on some vitamins and minerals, though I don't know which ones. V.v. strange, considering that I'm one of the healthiest eaters around! I'm still going to get the blood tests done, just in case. Thanks so much for all the notes of concern! I was really scared there for a while, especially since my mom's youngest sister was just diagnosed with MS.

DH is back at our apartment. He's got his s/a and the BIG test tomorrow: the DNA fragmentation test. We will find out for once and for all what's going on, I hope.

Talk later!

body is going crazy

Oh, I am not good. I had to go to emergency because my muscle tremors are out of control. Muscles are jerking all over my body every 10-20 seconds, and it's freaking me out. Plus it's stealing the little bit of sleep I do get: I kept waking up because my neck was jerking around. It's really scary.

So the doctor ordered a blood panel - she thinks I'm low on B12 or iron or something - and if that comes back normal, she'll refer me to a neurologist. She doesn't think it's related to my whiplash injuries, but who knows? I'm scared. :(

And the thing is that I fly out early tomorrow morning, so I can't get the blood test done until March.

I guess if it gets worse when I'm on my trip, I'll go to a walk-in. And if something happens when I'm in the U.S. later on this month, I do have a double set of travel insurance.

Deep breathhhhhhh.....

And I have a bad cold.

Ok, must go to bed. Have a long day tomorrow. But I get to see one of my dearest friends and her parents - the first time since September. So that will be very good.

ETA: It's 2 a.m., must get up at 6 to catch flight, but can't sleep. Muscles are pulsating everywhere. I don't understand what's going on. It doesn't hurt (my back and neck always hurt, but that's beside the point for now). It's just disruptive.

Yeah, I couldn't stay away... lol

I wrote a little essay in response to this crap opinion piece on Nadya Suleman: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/la-oe-rutten11-2009feb11,1,6312240.column

In response to Tim Rutten, L.A. Times:

As a somewhat subfertile woman married to an infertile man, I wonder why fertiles preach to infertiles about our moral mandate to adopt all the orphaned children of the world. Because apparently it is OUR job to take care of the orphaned, and we are "narcissistic" for wanting to have biological children (for a reading on the historical imperative for this idea, check out historical research on motherhood and infertility by Margaret Marsh).

It does not matter to fertiles that many infertile women want to be a part of the cult of motherhood. We watch people like you celebrate 'natural' motherhood while denigrating us for merely wanting to be a part of it: a club that is everywhere, always, and from which we can't escape viewing dejectedly from the sidelines.

If adoption is so important, then why don't fertile people adopt, rather than spreading their own ignorant DNA? When a fertile person tells me that I am selfish, I stop listening unless that person has adopted a child, and therefore know of what she/he speaks. Guess how often I've come across someone who has adopted rather than give birth? Not once. So who is the narcissistic one, again?

Adoption is not the easy fix that fertile people believe. Infertility involves losses that adoption can't address (e.g., pregnancy, birth, ‘Daddy’s eyes, Mommy’s nose,’ induction into 'motherhood'). Adoption doesn't 'solve' infertility, nor should it be expected to do so. Adopted children should never have to feel as though they were a second choice.

And adoption is never a guarantee of a child. Adoption is heinously expensive, takes years and years to process, involves massive invasions of privacy - and at the end is no promise of a baby. Things go wrong, birthmoms change their minds, $ runs out, countries shut down adoption programs. Adoption is for rich people. That is, unless you're willing to accept a severely handicapped child into your home, or a set of siblings. How willing would YOU be to adopt a child who will never walk or talk? Probably not, so it's easier for you to foist this responsibility onto infertile people, and then blame us for shirking our duties.

I would love to adopt, but I am wary about so many aspects of it. For instance, how will I know that my child wasn’t abducted and sold on the black market? As a white woman, how will I address the cultural and racial losses of a child who is from a different background, since it’s unlikely that I would find a white infant? (Is love enough to make up for all those losses? I think that’s a valid question.) Will I resent an adopted child for not looking like me? Will my family accept a non-biological child?

Besides, where are all the millions of babies and children to whom you allude in this article? Did you do any research on this topic before making sweeping generalizations? Because there aren't that many available kids. And by the way, do you know how many of these 'millions' of children have been obtained through illegal means? I can provide a reference, if you’re interested.

I am not defending Nadya Suleman. The infertile community is as outraged by her actions as everyone else. She is giving us all a bad name: that we’re all crazy for turning to reproductive technologies to attempt to do what everyone else accomplishes for free – and whenever they want, as often as they want - in the privacy of their homes.

And besides, we fear that the actions of her unethical doctor will mean ramifications for the rest of us; e.g., government mandates for numbers of transferred embryos, when that should be left to a patient, her partner, and a responsible specialist to decide. For everyone is different. I am scared that Nadya's actions will mean bad things for my own medical efforts to conceive. I have bad embryos, for instance. My chances will be drastically reduced if the government tells me that I’m limited to transferring only one embryo.

It would have been great if you could have written something original on this topic. We infertile people have ALL heard the 'just adopt' maxim: that makes it hard for us to take people like you seriously. I can't believe that I spent 30 minutes typing a response to you.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night

Adieu, adieu, to yu and yu and yu!

I'm flying back home on Friday, and then to New Mexico, so I won't be around much until March. Maybe off and on. My parental units can't get high-speed internet on their country bumpkin yard yet - where I'll be laying my weary head - so that's why.

But don't worry, I'll return with a whiny vengeance in March, when we hopefully start strategizing for the next IVF round, so I'll save up all my pearls of wisdom until then! (And believe me, with PCOS, I always have pearls in abundance!)

a womb of one's own (ha ha, fellow english lit majors had better appreciate my little joke!)

Well, I received a compliment today. Apparently I have a 'beautiful' uterus and tubes. The RE's associate told me so. *Blush*

Anyway, the SHG and full-bladder ultrasound are done. Do not know why I needed these things, since I've had an HSG and 5 million ultrasounds before, but this new RE is just being thorough, and I don't mind that one bit.

Now I'm crampy.

So I walked around rain-soaked Toronto all afternoon, looking for Neutrogena concealer, but do you think I could find any? No. This is the story of my life. But I poked around a bunch of shops, dreaming of how I'd update my wardrobe if I didn't have to save for IVF.

SHG and diet

Getting my SHG done tomorrow. Hurray. Here's how you know the IF-treatment romance is over: I didn't shave my legs or trim my naughty bits. It never crossed my mind, nor do I care. hahaha

Whole body hurts. Am worried about these tremors all over my body; they're not visible, and not enough to stop me from doing daily tasks, but they're frequent and annoying. DH wants me to go to the doctor, but I don't know where I'm going to find a gp. I feel as though I'm 62 years old, in both mind and body.

DH started the heavy-dose antioxidant therapy yesterday. I think the product is from Coast Reproductive Male Fertility, or something like that. So expensive - $90 per month. Lots of folic acid, vitamin C, selenium, glutathione, relora, co-q10, etc. So it's 4 of those pills every day (plus the pycnogenol). A fellow patient at my clinic says that the supplement did make a difference in her partner's s/a, so that's good. Doesn't mean that I think anything will happen in our case, but if anything did, I'd fall over in shock and awed joy, of course.

If you knew us in real life, you'd be shocked at DH's lifestyle changes. He's lost 40 pounds in the last year or so, he plays hockey and golf, and he eats so much healthier - and he likes it! Former Mr Potato Chips eats very little junk now, complains all over the place if he doesn't get two extra-large salads every day, and says now he prefers our food to restaurants. If we do eat junk like McDonald's, he grumbles later about not feeling good. So ladies, there is hope for guys!

And eating healthy doesn't mean tasteless food. Far from it, actually. I made salads and pizza today, and it was delish. Tasty crisp whole grain crusts (whole wheat flour and ground flaxseed) and homemade sauce. One pizza was Greek, so I used roast beef slices, feta cheese, tomato slices, green peppers, olives, and purple onions, plus a drizzle of Greek salad dressing. The other was Italian-ish, so I used proscuitto (sp?), provolone, and mushrooms, plus Italian seasonings. Easy on the cheese and heavy on the veggies. So friggin good, and it'll last for 3 dinners.

Oh, my omega-3 update. We're eating more salad dressings that are hemp- and canola-based. We're adding more flaxseed to salads and cereals. And when we fly back home later this week, I'll pick up hemp seed for a more reasonable price than I'll find out here. If you've never eaten hemp seed, you should try it. Tastes so good - fresh and nutty - and it's ridiculously nutritious: full of essential fatty acids and amino acids - I think it forms a complete protein. Lots of vitamins and minerals, too.

Alas, I am having no luck on kicking the caffeine addiction, guys. I cannot kick my one-cappuccino-per-day habit. I think I need an intervention. Or am I allowed to keep this one vice?

in today's globe & mail: uterine biopsy

First the biopsy, then the baby

A common medical procedure may be the key to helping couples who've had no luck with artificial insemination and IVF

Article Comments (1) TRALEE PEARCE

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

February 10, 2009 at 8:47 AM EST

Could a common uterine biopsy make pregnancy "stick" for women having trouble conceiving? A small but growing number of couples are embracing an unusual use of biopsies during infertility treatments in the belief that they may help increase the chances of a successful pregnancy.

In a handful of small studies, biopsies of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus, which are usually performed as a diagnostic tool to sample tissue and test for infections, disease or other problems, have been found to boost the pregnancy rates of women who had tried in-vitro fertilization and failed to become pregnant.

One Toronto couple credits the procedure with the first successful pregnancy in 10 years of trying. After 11 artificial inseminations and two IVFs proved fruitless, Roslyn and Howard Kaman had experienced the gamut of failure, from miscarriages to ectopic pregnancies. They had opted to try adoption when they read an article about a lecture at Toronto's Weizmann Science Canada by an Israeli researcher, Nava Dekel.

In 2003, Dr. Dekel found that 45 women who had undergone a uterine biopsy during the menstrual cycle before undergoing IVF had almost twice the rate of pregnancies and births compared with a control group of 89 women. In 27.7 per cent of the women in the biopsy group, the embryo transfer was successful.


Enlarge Image
Howard and Roslyn Kaman with their three-month-old daughter Hannah. Ms. Kaman became pregnant after convincing a Toronto fertility specialist to take a biopsy of her uterus. (JENNIFER ROBERTS)

The IVF worked for just 14.2 per cent of the control group.

The Kamans wrote to Dr. Dekel, and she connected them with the fertility clinic in Israel that had performed the procedures. Doctors there sent the couple a detailed protocol, which involved three separate biopsies on particular days in the cycle just before an IVF treatment. The Kamans' Toronto fertility specialist, Fay Weisberg, agreed to try it.

Ms. Kaman became pregnant on the first IVF cycle after the procedure and baby Hannah is now three months old.

"I still can't believe it. I think I will go through my whole life and not believe we were successful," says Ms. Kaman, 41.

While broader research is being conducted to confirm the role these biopsies may be playing, anecdotal evidence is starting to mount suggesting that the disruption of the uterus somehow leads to the successful implantation of an embryo. Some practitioners say they'll wait for randomized trial results before they start offering biopsies to IVF patients.

Togas Tulandi, a McGill University medical researcher, is hoping to figure out what role the biopsies might play, if any, in the successful pregnancies of women like Ms. Kaman. He is in the midst of conducting a large randomized study (he hasn't yet reached his goal of 162 participants) and says that if the biopsies are working, the mechanism may be akin to tilling the soil before you plant a tulip bulb.

"Maybe this slight injury to the endometrium makes the environment for implantation better," he says. "If we can prove that it works, we can do it routinely."

Since the procedure carries little risk, other than discomfort and a very small chance of infection or injury to the uterus, many fertility doctors are already incorporating it into their practices. While it is not listed on her menu of services at the First Steps Fertility clinic where she is medical partner, Dr. Weisberg says she now offers it to most of her patients who have failed to conceive with IVF and for most patients before they undergo a frozen embryo transfer.

"I suspect that it will probably soon be a routine for all patients undergoing IVF."

The only reason it's not routine is a paucity of large studies and the fact that it's painful and uncomfortable for most women, she says.

Although she can't unequivocally say whether the biopsies are effective - "the women end up being their own control" - Dr. Weisberg has a hunch that they work.

It could have something to do with increased blood flow, or the way in which the proteins in the uterus heal, she says. "I do believe something changes deep down."

And she's not worried about a stampede for the procedure on the part of desperate couples.

"Not to be cavalier, but this is a procedure already being done on younger women for bleeding of the uterus and other problems," she says. "It's easy, quick, but painful. There's no anesthetic. You can go right back to work."

Other specialists take a more cautious approach. Fertility expert Arthur Leader does not offer it to patients at the Ottawa Fertility Centre where he practises. Until a randomized study such as Dr. Tulandi's can prove that women undergoing these biopsies have a better chance of getting and staying pregnant, "the precautionary principle should apply," he says. "You shouldn't do it until a benefit has been shown."

He points out that there have been many other treatments, including low-dose Aspirin, a blood protein called albumin and a diabetes drug called metformin, that were believed to help women conceive and were routinely prescribed but which, after much study, proved either to do harm or have no effect. And, as far as Dr. Leader is concerned, "No good is harm."

For couples who end up with a healthy pregnancy after uterine biopsies, it's hard not to credit the procedure for their little bundles of joy. Still, Ms. Kaman says that even though she suspects the treatment did work, there may have been some luck involved. When she imagines trying for a second IVF baby, "part of me thinks lightning's not going to strike twice with us."

Anatomy of a biopsy

An endometrial biopsy is performed by inserting a suction catheter through the vagina and cervix, into the uterus. The end is pressed up against the uterine wall where it cuts away a small sample of the lining tissue.

Because of any number of factors, an embryo may not be able to attach itself to the cells that make up the lining of the uterus.

After the biopsy is taken, some researchers and fertility experts believe that the slight damage caused to the wall of the uterus makes it a better environment for implantation, whether because of increased blood flow, the healing process or some other factor.

SOURCE: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090210.wlfertility10/BNStory/lifeFamily/home

Have nothing to say, really, but here I am. Am behind in all correspondence again. Blah. No energy, and have these weird tremors in my limbs.

Going back home on Friday for a few weeks, and am not really looking forward to it. Not that I don't want to see my family and friends - of course I do - but it's so much energy to smile all the time. Have finally gotten myself back on track with my work, and so I'm sorry to take the time off right now. Just wanna get done with it all.

Maybe I should run to Timmie's for a muffin and some tea. It's kinda late, but that would be a nice treat to enjoy while watching Stewart and Colbert. I deserve all the treats I can get, right?

this weekend

Had a wonderful time in Toronto. My prof rented the condo's beautiful guest suite for me, and we worked together with another student on our conference presentation, drank wine, went to see The Reader (excellent movie), and took in an exhibition (Andre Kertesz's 'On Reading'), and visited a few other galleries.

I found a really cool quilted black skirt, with white embroidery, that I'm going to wear to the wedding (for $40); I've got a hot pink embroidered corset to go with it, and a cardigan with intricate folds down the front, plus tights and boots. So all I need to pick up is a few necklaces and bracelets. And I need to get my hair cut and coloured. If you're on my FB, I'll post pics after the wedding is over. I felt really good for a few days, since I could concentrate on my work and enjoy my interests in arts and culture.

Speaking of the devil, then I came home, and first thing I did was find out - via Facebook, of course - that one of Steve's buddies from work is going to be a dad. We've become good friends with him and his wife, and they were also 'infertile.' Apparently not so. I doubt that medical intervention was involved, since they live in a remote area now. Just one of those miracles that seem to happen to everyone IRL except me. So she wrote on my wall about her coffee aversions and lack of scrubs to wear to work. :( I like her a lot, but this is so hard. So DH and I just drove around aimlessly for hours.

Gah. I used to be a (relatively) happy person. I used to be happy for other people who'd gotten good news. Am I destined to be a sour and lonely old lady?

Am thinking that I need to phone my parents to say that if my brother and SIL are expecting, that they should tell me ASAP. I want to know right away, just in case SIL is planning to surprise me, so that I can prepare myself. It's gotta happen sooner or later. She's 30, and her sister already has 2 kids, so she can't be far behind.

going shopping

Thank you, friends, for everything.

Sorry for the brevity of this note, but I'm off to Toronto for the weekend on a much-needed break (my professor has rented a guest suite for me so that we can get work done on a joint presentation). Going shopping, too, even though I can't afford it. DH's bff is getting married in a few weeks, and it's one of those rare occasions that I can get dolled up, so I'm looking for something fancy! Gonna hit up the upscale consignment shops - yeah!

blaaaaaaaaaah

Things are still bad. DH will be late coming home today, and he picked a good day for it.

To top things off, my last principal, whom I adore, said to me today that she doesn't think she'll be able to find a position for me in September, since enrolment is dropping. I am so bummed about that. I'm supposed to try getting in to another school in the division, and then wait for a position to open up again at her school in the years to come.

Ok, other topic. I saw this in the newspaper today, and wondered what others think about it. A sixty-year-old woman in Canada has given birth to twins, and a medical ethicist has some strong comments about it. I am not sure what to think.

Ethicist says children's interests paramount when older mothers give birth
By: THE CANADIAN PRESS
1:10 PM

CALGARY - A medical ethicist says a child's best interests are the most important consideration when women use fertility treatments to become mothers long past natural child-bearing years.

Margaret Somerville of McGill University in Montreal says no one has the right to interfere in natural conception, but ethics are different when medical advances are involved.

Her comments came Thursday after a spokesperson for the Calgary Health Region confirmed a 60-year-old woman gave birth at a city hospital.

The health region wouldn't give details, but CBC Newsworld was reporting that the woman had twins after fertility treatments in India.

Somerville said a woman who is 60 probably wouldn't be allowed to adopt a child, and the considerations used to make that decision should also apply when an older mother wants to use special treatments to get pregnant.

She said the ethics are further complicated by the fact many older women are no longer producing eggs and so aren't even genetically related to the children they deliver.

The CBC said Ranjit Hayer's two boys were delivered seven weeks prematurely by caesarean section at Calgary's Foothills Hospital on Tuesday.

The mother was recovering in intensive care, while the twins were in neo-natal intensive care.
The CBC said one of the babies was breathing with the help of special equipment, but doctors said both boys were doing well.

The network quoted the woman's obstetrician, Colin Birch, as saying there are social and ethical considerations beyond the medical ones.

He said he can't imagine being 65 and having two five-year-olds running around.

panic - please avoid reading if you want to stay in a good mood

Panicking again. It kicks in every.single.night. after DH goes to bed. I am so effing unhappy. I am so sick of crying. And I won't fall asleep, so I've got a long night ahead.

I am so worried about money, trying to have a baby, my health, finishing my thesis. I'm embarrassed to be writing all this - I must sound like a freak for being so anxious, but I can't help it. I can't do anything to alleviate the anxiety except to take Ativan once in a while to fall asleep. But I don't have an unlimited supply, and it doesn't work if I use it regularly.That's probably a good thing, because I'd love to be on it every day. It calms me down and helps me doze off.

Money. I haven't been able to do R.A. work on a steady basis because of this TTC mess, so our income has dropped significantly again in the last year. Now, I have to pay extra tuition this term - just found out today - because I didn't get my thesis committee meeting in before the end of December, even though I'm done the proposal itself. So there's another $700. I'm really bitter about that, especially since I did not know that I was supposed to schedule a meeting; it's not listed as a requirement in our M.Ed. handbook. And I don't have the strength right now to argue about it.

DH is worried about his job because of the crashing economy. I've been putting out feelers about teaching jobs for the fall, and have heard nothing, which alarms me. If I land something back home, we'd have to move this summer, and it's unlikely that DH would find a job before the following spring. If we don't move, I won't have work here, either. (Not good for our finances or for my resume. And I don't need all that time on my hands.) And I am nervous about returning to teaching.

This is all funnelling into my fear that we will not be able to afford any more treatments; we are just getting by as it is. I already do not know how we are going to pay for an IVF in spring. We'd planned to take it out of retirement savings, but I don't think we're allowed to withdraw it from the kind of account we've put that money in.

And in the meantime, we've saved nothing for our retirement during the last 2 years, and we're not the proverbial spring chickens anymore. (I mean, DH is approaching middle age already. Where is the time going?) Everything extra has gone for either cycling or for travelling back home, and that's where it'll keep going, at least for another year.

We have money coming from income tax this spring, but much of that will have to pay off cycle and travel debt on my credit card. I'll have a final cheque from grad studies coming in June, so that will be nice; the one good thing in all this. Too bad it'll be wasted on paying for 1/3 of a possible IVF that probably won't work anyway. It would have been so great to put it into savings.

Thank goodness we only have to pay $200 for all these new diagnostic tests. I shudder to think what it would all cost if we lived elsewhere. But then again, if we'd lived elsewhere, it would never have taken so many years to get to the root of the problem, and I wouldn't have to panic about all of this!!!!!! Seriously, I love my country - it's a great place - but the healthcare in some provinces seriously sucks!

Baby crap. Yeah. Of course I will never ever have a child. Why would I ever be so lucky? Why would God, after all these years of silence, suddenly decide that now we're good enough to be parents? Is He
a) punishing us for some unknown sin?
b) testing us for some unknown reason?
c) thinking we'd be lousy parents?
d) planning on sending a kid when we least expect it?
e) just plain ignoring us?

WE DON'T KNOW! Nobody does!!! I am so effing tired of being patient!!! I have been very, very patient and understanding, and now I'm tired of it. I'm angry, and I think I have a right to be. What part of God's PLAN is so special that it includes screwing up every aspect of my life? And now DH and I have been those stereotypical 'backslidden' Christians, so we'll probably end up in hell, and I won't see my babies there, either. So there's another thing to be scared of. Although I can't imagine how hell could be much worse than what I'm going through now.

I'm terrified now, too, that if I ever do get pregnant, I'll have a miscarriage again, or a stillbirth. Hey, why not worry about it - it happens to other women. I know plenty of them. So why wouldn't God rain that travesty down on me, too? I don't know if I could endure that. Really and truly think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But I'll never get to that point, so why think about it. I'll live too far away from an IF clinic, and won't have the funds to pay for it, anyway.

So what to do for the rest of my life? A dark dense hole of meaningless nothingness.

Health. I am getting nervous that I have some kind of onset arthritis. I'm sore every day, even my arms and legs. I wonder if whiplash (I have a bad case of it) can lead to arthritis, or at least hasten its progress? It's weird that I'm sore everywhere. I've heard that depression can do that, but I resist that idea. I don't want to think of myself as depressed.

Thesis. I'm working hard again, but feel as though I'll never be done. Am I working enough hours every day? I have no idea how long it should be, when I've read enough stuff, when I've revised enough, etc. I have no clue when I will be finished. I'm hoping for July, at this point, but I don't know if that's realistic. I really do not know. Also don't know if my writing is 'original' enough.

And I have to take more than 2 weeks off this month to fly home (for DH's bff's wedding), so I lose all that work time, plus we have to ante up for all the travel costs. I think I'm going to put a moratorium on trips home. Too bad if someone gets married or gets sick. Unless it's our parents, I'm staying put until my work here is done. It just makes me too worried otherwise. I can't concentrate on anything if I'm behind in my work.

Maybe I should go to the doctor, as I've said before. Try some kind of anti-anxiety med. But I don't want to be on that leading up to a possible IVF. Plus, if we ever tried to adopt, I think that would make it difficult. My cousin's wife said to me at one point that she couldn't adopt because she has always been on anti-depressants, so she wasn't allowed. (Yeah, and people bitch and moan about how infertile people should 'just adopt' - little do they know how hard it is, even impossible for some people.)

I was on antidepressants when I was in my early twenties (could not get out of bed in the mornings and cared about nothing - it was horrible), and have stayed off since then. Maybe I should stop resisting, though. I mean, I have a strong family history of depression and anxiety, so it shouldn't be surprising that I'd feel this way after seven years of unwanted childlessness, thousands and thousands spent on failed cycles, and a miscarriage of dearly loved and wanted babies. I miss them; I think about them every single minute of every day. It shouldn't be surprising that I feel terrible.

So yeah. I don't know what to do about any of this. I should pray, I guess, but that doesn't give me any peace anymore, and reading the Bible just makes me friggin upset.

I am so weak. Less than adequate because I am paralyzed by anxiety, especially in the evenings. Does it make me a weak person? Less of a person? Worthless? That's how I feel. I am so scared.

I want to wake DH, to talk to him, but he needs his sleep - he gets up at 5:30 a.m. I don't know if I should talk to him about all this, anyway. Why make him all panicked, too? I've been putting on a happy face for the last month, since I've been so sad, it was scaring him. He said to me that he was afraid that he'd come home one day and I wouldn't be there anymore. So I've got my happy mask on, the goofy girl he used to know. Should I tell him it's not real?

I'm so lost, and hugely embarrassed to be posting this. If you've made it through the end of this depressing and repetitive post, my hat's off to you.

What can I do to make myself feel better? I've tried to be giving to others. I try to help other TTC'ing women on the web sites I'm on, I'm involved in community events, I help other teachers with professional development, I donate to charity, I try to be kind to the people around me, etc. Giving to other people often makes me feel better, since it moves the focus, you know? But it's not helping this time. Nothing is.

All of my normal pleasures are tainted. Can't sleep to escape it. Books and movies and TV- can't escape pregnancies, babies, happy families. If I write, it just turns out to be about this infertility crap and how miserable I feel, and though that does help, I'm peeved that my writing energy and ability always go out to that and not to anything new. I am a really good writer, and probably should be published more often than I am, but this infertility nonsense sucks it all away. I don't have energy to phone family or friends, and most of them don't know about any of this anyway. And they've all got kids. I'm so sore and tired - exercise doesn't rejuvenate me like it usually does. Can't go on SoulCysters, for reasons I've described ad nauseum. Can't post this on ivfconnections.com because it mentions cycling, and most of the vets are understandably very sensitive about that subject. Should e-mail my online TTC friends for help - seriously, you ladies are some of the best and truest friends I've got - but I am scared of dragging them down when they may in fact be having a good day for a change. And I can't drink - it'll just make me feel bad. I don't think we have any booze in the house, anyway. Can't even talk to other people about books and things - if women are involved, the talk always turns to "and then I had kids, so who has time to read then? Haha."

What is the point to all of this? I should've hit the half way in my pregnancy by now. This is so hard.

shopaholic

Am I the only one who wants to see Shopaholic? I love those books! Well, the fourth one wasn't the greatest, but that's ok.

It'll make a great chick flick, plus it stars the fabulous Isla Fisher (who played the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers and the sweetheart in Definitely, Maybe), so I hope it'll be a fun movie.

Must find someone to come with me. I don't mind seeing movies alone, but my solo flights get everyone else in a dither (i.e., "You went to see a movie by yourself? Why?")

omega 3

Am doing more research on Omega 3, and am impressed by our need for it, especially since it affects fertility-related things such as hormone production, blood clotting (it acts as a thinner), and DNA.

This is what I just read (it's research-based, with lots of journal references): http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=84

Apparently we need somewhere in the neighbourhood of 4 mg/day. Although I do get a lot of Omega 3 (through dietary sources), it's still not enough. Every day, I get about 1 mg through hemp seed in my cereal, another 1 mg in my salad dressing, and another bit through fish, green veg, and other sources. But I need more, and so does DH. So I guess I will add flaxseed to our diets - it tastes good, anyway - and I will try to include more salmon (meh) and even more green veg, like brussels sprouts (yuck).

So....recipes, anyone? I love fish, but dislike salmon, and I hate greens like brussels sprouts, collard greens, and kale. But I prefer food to supplements. Our bodies absorb nutrients better through food. Food=medicine.

Am wondering, too, if the increased intake of O-3 would help my chronic whiplash pain. Maybe it would help reduce inflammation? That would be wonderful.

ETA: I would eat this: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Alaskan-Salmon-Chowder/Detail.aspx

Diva cup!

That's it! I wonder why I was thinking 'Lunesse'? (I think Americans have something called The Keeper.)

Goody, I just looked it up, and a store within walking distance has them in stock. What did we ever do without the internet? Anyway, time for me to be environmental - I'm going to get one tomorrow.

May I preach to you all for a moment? Look at how much garbage we create with our menstrual products over the course of our lives (found this pic at http://www.keeper.com/photographs.html):

afffff TMI TMI TMI

Af is here, finally. At least the provera worked.

I went to the grocery store to pick up tampons, and they only had the teeny small kind! The size that 12-year-old girls wear because they're too scared that x-large ones will mean that they're not virgins anymore! Ok, I exaggerate. But really, come on. They'll fall out if I sneeze!

I fumed, and went looking for someone to complain to. (DH thinks this is hilarious, since I'm non-confrontational.) But it was clear to me that a MAN was doing the ordering for the female 'sanitary hygiene' department, and that he was engaging in a clear case of wish fulfillment. No woman would have ordered 100 different kinds of tiny tampons. Grrrrr.

I didn't find anyone. So I went home, sans sanitary supplies. I guess this is a sign that I should buy one of those ... oh, what are they called? Those reuseable rubber things. They're around $35 and they're supposed to last forever, plus they're environmentally friendly. I wonder where I can buy one? It'll be pretty tough if I can't remember the name!!! lol

thesis

Thanks for being so understanding, folks. Much appreciated.

My advisor says that she is delighted with my thesis, and that means a lot to me, since she knows of what she speaks.

Have I ever said what it is that I'm writing, exactly? I'm supposed to be writing a social sciences thesis, since I'm working on a master's degree in Education. So it should be boring, since most of that kind of writing is dull, in my opinion.

I decided I didn't want to do that. So I'm writing a memoir about my life in books. It's just as research-based as any other kind of thesis, but I'm involving a more interesting kind of arts-based narrative, using poetry, letters, lists, a medieval-style gloss, and anything else that suits the content. I guess it's more of a feminist style of writing.

My reproductive life, or lack thereof, also crops up from time to time, since it links to the reproductive practice of teaching children in schools, and it kinda stands in contrast to my productive life in writing. I don't really want to write about infertility, but I did two kick-ass graduate papers on the topic, and it's unavoidable, since I can't even escape from such words as 'conceived' when I write. Do you know what I mean? (See Bitter Milk by Madeleine Grumet for a profound and beautifully written book about teaching/mothering, production/reproduction, etc. - should be mandatory reading for women teachers).

It's challenging to blend academic writing with my creative work - it makes the process really convoluted and crazy - but I think I'm good at it, and I've received great training from the two universities I've attended for this degree. So somehow it's all coming together. I'm presenting part of it at an American conference in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to it.

worryyyyyyyy

It was a tough night. I ended up taking Ativan and Gravol to calm down before going to bed. Love Ativan, and wish I could take it every day, but it doesn't work if I take it more than 2 or 3 times/month. So it's for emergencies. Besides, I'm still on my stash from my doctor at home - she prescribed 60 pills as sleeping aids when I moved away 18 months ago, and I have 30 left - and I don't know how hard it will be to get more.

Besides blaming my anxiety on PCOS, I can also blame it on both 'nature' and 'nurture': my mom (and others in her family) have a history of anxiety and depression, and my strict cultural upbringing was enough to make any girl worried about everything. And on top of that, I think a lot of women suffer from anxiety, due to the way we're socialized, anyway, in a man's world. It's a lot to deal with.

I am severely far behind in the dealing with the bureaucracy of my thesis. I HAVE to have a committee meeting next week, but haven't sent my proposal out yet for them to look at. The aftermath of the miscarriage and the failed FET have just prevented me from doing much, especially dealing with paperwork and correspondence. So I have to get on top of that today.

ETA: I just got the proposal together - from all its bits and pieces - and sent it off. (It's 50 pages long, and that's just the first 3 chapters. Yikes.) At least that's one less thing to worry about today.

PCOS and stress

I'm miserable and lonely and stressed out, so I'm hanging out here.

Found this in my e-mail, and thought I'd pass it on to all other 'cysters' out there: http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/news74.html#sec1 It's about the effects of stress on women with PCOS. (All I had to say was: It's NOT my fault for being stressed out and anxious about everything???)


PCOS Women Super-Sensitive to Stress

When's the last time your doctor asked you if you are under chronic stress? Or that it might have anything to do with your health?

Did you know that stress hormones may increase anxiety, excessive eating, weight gain, belly fat, infertility, miscarriage, ovarian cysts and a host of other health problems?

Chronic stress is a particular problem for women with PCOS because they appear to have an exaggerated response to stress, as shown in a recent study from the University of Duisburg-Essen in Germany. Thirty two women with PCOS and 32 non-PCOS women had to do a public speaking assignment. Biochemical markers showed the PCOS women had a more stressful experience. They also showed increased psychological stress compare to the other group.

The authors concluded: "The altered stress reactivity in PCOS patients may constitute a link between depression, overweight, and the cardiovascular and diabetes risks associated with the diagnosis."

In other words, it's more important for you than other people to find ways to reduce chronic stress, regardless of its source.

Even though stress is "invisible", it is real. Stress management is important even if your doctor ignores it. Successful stress management will definitely help you improve your PCOS situation.

Source: Benson S et al, Disturbed stress responses in women with polycystic ovary syndrome, Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2009 Jan 14. [Epub ahead of print]

V.v. grumpy, tired, sad, angry. Mad at life; think it's taking too long. Can't focus on anything. Am picking on my DH for laughs. I'm bad, I know. We made chicken wings (not fried, but so good) and pizza, and he's overeaten chicken, so now there's no room in his belly for pizza. Hardy har har. He looks disgruntled.

tiredddddd

Could NOT sleep last night. Got all anxious, and then it's goodbye to the zzzzzzzz's.

I'm worried that DH won't find work when we move, and then no more TTC. This is a very realistic concern, considering the global financial meltdown. Industries in our hometowns are already shrinking by significant numbers, and U.S. protectionism is going to hurt. DH is in trades, so this does not bode well for him.

And my salary is nothing to brag about. When I teach full-time, I take home less than $2000/month (Canadian dollars), and don't forget that the cost of living is higher here than in the U.S. So it's not enough for us both to live on, really, let alone pursue the babymaking race. Why am I a teacher? I don't know.

I'm going to a sleep disorder clinic for an evaluation, and I hope they can do something about the anxiety that always kicks in at bedtime. More than likely, though, they'll say that I have to go to a gp for treatment for that. And I can't find a gp - they're in heinously short supply - so then what? Maybe the sleep clinic can help me with the limb twitchiness, though; it always jars me awake as I'm drifting off.

I feel like a young old person.

Urgh, I'm grumpy.