the heart does break

On CBC Radio One I heard an interview with Jean Baird about an edited collection of essays entitled The Heart Does Break: Canadian Writers on Grief and Mourning.

Blurb: A book in which some of our best writers address their own losses - and help us endure our own…

A heartbreaking, comforting and beautiful collection of true stories about grief and mourning from some of Canada's best known writers.

When Jean Baird's daughter, Bronwyn, died suddenly, Jean's deep instinct was to turn to books to help her in her time of sudden loss. Although she found that the thoughts of counselors, psychologists, Buddhists, and self-help gurus were perhaps some help, the works that truly reached to the heart of the matter were by literary writers, largely from the UK and the US. Scanning the Canadian landscape, Jean and her husband George Bowering found elegies and tributes, but little from our writers about the person who is left behind to mourn or what it takes to endure grieving. The Heart Does Break - an anthology of twenty original pieces - sets out to fill that gap.

I haven't read the book but I plan to and I thought it sounded relevant to many people who've dealt with infertility and baby loss.

This isn't to say that we all want to read things that echo our personal experience. (I've had a miscarriage, for instance, and the last thing I want to read is someone's m/c scene. It wouldn't make me feel better to know that others have gone through the same thing, or to relive it through literature.) But some people do. And, in that case of people who do, I thought I'd pass this along.

Reviews:

NATIONAL BESTSELLER

"Read this book - for enlightenment and entertainment, for good writing about a tough subject. If George Bowering's and Jean Baird's anthology were a feature film, it would receive innumerable thumbs-up and all the stars."
- The Globe and Mail

"Readers will be struck by the level of emotional honesty. . . . Readers who have mourned the loss of someone dear will find solace and validation within the pages of this anthology."
- Winnipeg Free Press

"It might well prove of comfort to the bereft, if only for the variety of experiences these authors have endured."
- National Post

"A fine and powerful collection that is, in places, impossible to read without crying."
- The Gazette

"All the stories are well written and all are worth reading."
- Ottawa Citizen

update

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments.

SIL did not respond. So that's that. Guess I'll see her at Christmas.

I really and truly do forgive her but I'm still sore and I still will never trust her with sacred information.

I do not know how she found out about the IVF, specifically. Someone - can't remember who - asked me in the last post if she possibly found out about my blog. I sure hope not.



And dear Anonymous: Any comment on an 'infertile' blog that begins by saying "maybe this sounds mean" is - you guessed it - out of place and mean. Way to blame the victim. And way to be a hypocrite, too: you're criticizing me for wanting anonymity while you responded to me behind the cloak of Anonymous. Go away.

here is what happened

my sister-in-law 'outed' DH and me. remember, we've been super-private about infertility. well, she blabbed about our infertility AND about our IVF (i don't even know how she knew about the IVF!!!!!!!!!! - i never told anyone IRL that i did IVF to get ninja!).

the only reason she knew about the infertility at all (in vague terms) was because our geneticist wanted DH and i to ask her about a syndrome her stillborn daughter had in case it affected our potential offspring. i trusted her because she's been through 4 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, and so i figured she'd understand my request for confidentiality.

nope, she didn't. SHE TOLD HER PRAYER CHAIN AT CHURCH! and not even in vague terms but in sordid detail!

now keep in mind that we live in smalltown-land where we all know each other.

so a woman i don't even know asked me point-blank today about doing IVF. she had been in that prayer chain. she and i have a whole bunch of mutual friends, including her daughter who works at the school where i hope to be employed in the new year. so, yeah, everybody knows.

i am so angry and hurt. i had many reasons for keeping IF and IVF a secret:
-it gave me some control over a powerless situation.
-most people i know will not agree with the ethics of IVF and there will be a backlash that will affect not only dh, ninja, and me but also our family and friends.
- i do not want dh getting teased about his mf infertility.
-i do not want ninja getting harassed for being a 'test tube baby' (which is a misnomer anyway).
-i just don't want to field questions about it in general, or get asked about when we're going back for the frosties, or if we're 'trying.' i do not want to discuss it. it hurts me too much.
-and i don't want judgement rained down on my head if we don't attempt to use all 4 frozen embryos (because that would mean that we are baby killers).

but SIL told her prayer chain at church. because apparently letting the prayer chain IN A SMALL TOWN know is more important than respecting my repeated requests for silence.

what right did she have to hijack my life and to tell my story on my behalf??????????

(this isn't the first time this has happened, as well. another SIL didn't respect my dh's wishes for confidentiality about my miscarriage, if you recall, and she went and did the prayer chain thing ... and included my mother-in-law.)

dh phoned her to see what happened because i am too ticked off to talk to her. she started crying on the phone and said that it was just for prayer support.

how come so many christians use 'prayer support' as an excuse to gossip??????????!!!!!!

i am so turned off of 'church' and 'christians' as it is and this has not helped matters.

she and i will have it out about this. i will never be able to trust her again. she was going to be ninja's godmother - now, forget it. i need someone i can trust to do that job.

yep, i'm out

The scene: OHW sits in medical clinic waiting room with Ninja who has a bad cold. An Unknown Woman nearby keeps looking at OHW.


UW: I think we know each other.

OHW: I don't think so. I'm _____ from _____. My parents are _____ and ______. (This is common smalltalk where I'm from because everyone knows each other for miles around.)

UW: No, that's not it. I know your husband from ______________________, and that's how we know each other. We came to your father-in-law's funeral.

OHW: Oh, I see, so you also know ________ and ______ and _______.

UW: Yes. And some of your in-laws because they go to our church.

OHW: Ah, I see.

*Chit-chat*

OHW: Oh, ______ is your daughter? We were friends, actually, and she worked for me once upon a time! We may be working together again in the new year, actually.

UW: Oh my, what a coincidence! It's a small world!

OHW: It certainly is!

*Chit-chat*

UW: Anyway, we heard about your IVF.

OHW: My what?

UW: How you did IVF.

OHW: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

UW: You did fertility treatments for years. Your SIL said that you did IVF. You moved to _______ for it.

OHW: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

UW: Yes, your SIL told us about it.

OHW: I'm sorry, I don't think so.

UW: Oh. (Confused.)

*Nurse calls OHW and Ninja into doctor's office*

UW: Well, nice chatting with you.

OHW: Same.