facebook

This is why I hate Facebook.

I went on today - first time in a week or so - because I had some correspondence to catch up on ... and saw another pregnancy announcement. From a cousin who is much younger than I.

Insert cliche here: ____________ (e.g., Life is unfair.)

the last cup

A medium cappuccino (organic milk, fair-trade organic coffee beans), extra foam, dusted with chocolate powder (fair-trade organic). Yes, I'm a coffee snob. I've still got my nose shoved inside the empty mug, sniffing the fumes. You think I'm joking, but I'm not. If you cut me, I bleed espresso.

I failed to mention yesterday, as well, that I was going to give up booze until the next IVF is over. (Which isn't really a massive deal to me, but whatever.) I didn't say this to DH, though, and he came home this morning with bottles of French and Italian red wine. What a doll. So maybe we'll get verschnickered tonight, as a last hurrah. For dinner, we're going to make baked cod, buckwheat pasta with pesto, and a Greek salad. Yes, we're also food snobs. lol

I'm adding this picture for no good reason. I have it saved in my laptop, and it reminds me of a swirly glass of red wine.

coffee: is the world vibrating? or is it just me?

One more day of coffee. *Sniff* Then it's back to a caffeine-free existence. The espresso machine will be relegated to the back of our storage closet. It's all very sad. I blame my unborn children for this deprivation. My infertility-enforced self-flagellation. lol

P.S. Thanks, WiseGuy, for the funny reminder on your blog - the squashing of your own vices made me remember that I've gotta give up my own. I sigh in resignation. ;)

more about the octuplet case

Did you all hear that that mother of octuplets already has six other children? I haven't seen any mention of father or fathers, of course, since everyone (including the media) likes to blame mothers for everything. But woooooow. Six other kids. I'm not blaming her for obviously wanting a large family (except that is harsh on the environment). But man. Wow.

And I just read today that one of the grandparents confirmed that the woman had used IVF for the octuplets! Whaaaaaat?

I hate this story so much, honestly. As I wrote yesterday, it's feeding public misconceptions about infertility and assisted reproductive technologies...on so many levels. Including the following notions:

- All 'infertility' is repairable.
-Infertility is always the woman's fault.
-First you do Clomid, which will give you high-order multiples. If Clomid doesn't work, you move on to IVF, which will give you even higher-order multiples, since your RE will 'implant' 12 'eggs.'
-Related to above point, in case you didn't get it already: All women who do ART have high-order multiples.
-All women want high-order multiples.
-All infertility doctors want their patients to have high-order multiples.
-All said high-order multiples are premature but healthy.
-Cost? What cost? None of this costs that much. I mean, if you want/need ART, it's just something you go and do. And so what if you end up with a litter? The hospital will take care of them, and that doesn't cost much.
-Everybody lives happily ever after, mommy stays home and breastfeeds the litter, daddy goes to work, and everyone's in their rightful and correct and appropriate place. (And welfare hasn't been tapped yet, but wait until the kids start on solids...)

technical issues

Ok, I don't know what's going on with my blog. Two of my reader-friends comment on here regularly, but when I try to publish them, their comments disappear. So if you're commenting to me here and thinking I'm ignoring you because your words aren't showing up, it's because of a technical glitch. I'm sad that these comments vanish! :(

Wiseguy: Thanks for the photo advice. I didn't realize that I had deleted the pic from my laptop, so that's why it disappeared.

further to my last post

Ok, I did it. I revised my previous post and sent it to The View.

One thing I added was the following paragraph to close the letter:

The misconceptions about ART which I’ve described here are common. They happen constantly on television. (I see it all the time, and it makes me cringe, as I am a long-time patient of various infertility clinics, and have yet to score a lasting pregnancy.) It would be wonderful if The View would be the first TV show to dedicate on-air time to correct these misconceptions. To talk about infertility and ART correctly and sensitively, in concert with real infertility patients and doctors. With 1 out of 6 couples experiencing infertility at some point in their lives, it is indeed a ‘hot topic.’

misconceptions about ivf

In the spirit of my blog's title, (Mis)conceptions, I want to discuss a few skewed public perceptions about IVF.

What provoked this diatribe, you might ask? The TV show called The View. I have it on in the background while I'm working on my thesis, partly because I like Whoopi Goldberg, partly because I think Joy is funny, and partly because I love to hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

First, Elisabeth pissed me off today because she announced her pregnancy. That set the stage. Especially when she commented later on how difficult it was for her to achieve pregnancy. Riiiight. She has said before that that's because her two other kids won't allow her to have enough 'alone time' with her husband. Boo hoo.

Then the women brought up the octuplets case in the U.S. I turned the sound up because I wanted to know how they were going to talk about infertility treatments. I thought: Of course IVF will get blamed for the 8 babies, since the public does not understand the difference between IUI and IVF, so the two are conflated. And then IVF becomes blamed for everything, including high-order multiples, when in fact injects/IUI are far more likely the cause.

First, Whoopi made the comment about the number of "eggs" that are "implanted" during IVF. Yo, Whoopi: Substitute "embryos" and "transferred," respectively. We infertile women HOPE for implantation after that.

I thought that Sherri Shephard (sp?) would correct Whoopi's terminology, since she's actually been through IVF. But no. Although I seem to recall that Sherri set everyone straight on how few embies are supposed to be transferred for IVF (except for exceptional situations), she talked about "implanted eggs," too. And then she commented on how Clomid is to blame for HOM (high-order multiples)! Not ONE mention of injectables/IUI!!!

Great. So now the viewing public will continue to believe that the only existing reproductive technologies are Clomid (through which all success stories will consist of HOM) and IVF (in which "eggs" are "implanted" in the woman's uterus).

And then Elisabeth, displaying a shocking lack of geographical knowledge, made a sweeping announcement that in Europe, only 1 embie is allowed per transfer. Ok, first of all, Europe is not a single country, honey. Second, the one-embryo rule is only true in SOME European countries, from what I understand. I think Germany only allows one, but I could be wrong on that. And I'm pretty sure the Czech Republic allows more than 1, but again, I could be incorrect.

Anyway, my point is that she should NOT be talking about things she doesn't know firsthand. She makes it sound as though she's had serious fertility problems, when in fact she has NOT, as evidenced by this third 'surprise' pregnancy. She doesn't know anything about ART, but pretends she does. And though she's not the only person to pretend like this - everyone's got opinions on ART, whether or not they've experienced infertility - she has no business propagating her incorrect views on television, thereby misinforming the public. Which makes things even harder for the infertile women and men who are going through treatments, and hoping and praying and crying for the best possible outcome.

(Should I send this post to The View?)

technical difficulties

Where is my little pic that's usually on the right-hand side of this page? Hm.....

Ok, I included a new one. But I don't like how my pics aren't centered in the column.

Off to try fixing that...

mf testing

Got the karyotyping done today - both DH's and mine - then had lunch with my wonderful advisor whom I adore (oh my gooooosh, she's so famous, but so friendly and unassuming), and then spent 4 hours in the Royal Ontario Museum. Trudged through snow all day, but it was enjoyable. If you're ever lucky enough to visit Toronto, the ROM is great fun. My favourite exhibit was on fashion and textiles - of course - and I stared for ages at an astonishingly detailed dress that was owned by Marie Antoinette.

And then got home and opened the mail. A requisition form for a scrotal ultrasound. Which could've been done today. Urrrrrrgh. So DH has to take another day off to go get that finished ASAP, since the urologist needs the results. Good thing DH gets paid medical leave. Anyway, I'm not complaining, since I'm so happy that we finally got our sought-after male factor testing, so inconvenience be damned. It's fine. I'm smiling.

I'm glad that DH has to get his privates examined. Hahahahahaha. Now he gets a taste of what I've been through. ;) I shouldn't gloat - he has been nothing but supportive of my 15 million TTC procedures. But I'll still bug him about it. :)

Started provera yesterday. Thank goodness for provera, honestly - it gives me some feeling of control over my post-IVF crazy ovary. I figured that I want 3 cycles under my belt before another IVF, so I'm keeping myself to 28-day cycles. Plus I need to get that SHG done before next month, since I'm away for most of it, and that has to be done between CD 5-10. So may as well git 'r' done.

5 addictions

One of my dear friends passed this along to me. Thanks, Britt (sorry, I didn't see it until just now)!

The rules are you must list 5 addictions and pass it along to 5 people.

In no particular order:

1. Trying to conceive. It's not a 'ha ha' funny addiction. The only reason I'm not down in the dumps right now is because I know I can do IVF again this spring. It's an expensive, exhausting, and heartbreaking obsession.

2. Being a nerd. I don't look like a nerd anymore, but I still am in my heart. My favourite pastimes are reading and writing. I will read anything, but prefer fiction, memoirs, and essays by women, as well as poetry. Some of my favourite books are: Angela's Ashes (by Frank McCourt), The Good Earth (by Pearl S. Buck), Bitter Milk (by Madeleine Grumet), questions i asked my mother (by di brandt), and When Alice Lay Down with Peter (by Margaret Sweatman). And I love to write: my thesis, blogs, letters, poetry, essays, memoirs, fragments, anything.

3. Shopping for clothes and accessories. Oh yes. I am fond of beautiful clothing and jewelry. It takes me three hours to get out of Macy's (we don't have that store in Canada). I like Calvin Klein, BCBG, Free People, kensie, Le Chateau, etc. All the expensive stuff. If I had the moola, I'd be into Jean Paul Gaultier, Vivienne Westwood, Prada, and D&G. I settle for the consignment shops on Queen's Street West in Toronto. Sadly, due to how much money goes to doctors, I don't indulge this obsession much anymore.

4. Food. I love small independent restaurants, especially ones that have food from different countries: Ethiopian, Vietnamese, Indonesian, Thai, French, Italian, Mexican, Indian, etc, etc. Not much I don't like, except for the food from my own culture. lol Our food is boooooring. Fried everything, especially pork products and white carbs. (Grrrrreat food to grow up on, especially if you have PCOS. Mm hm.)

5. Watching good television, since I'm not into movies, really. My favourite shows are ones with a social bite, like Titus, The Colbert Report, All in the Family, and M*A*S*H.

Now I have to find people to pass this on to...

jealousy

Did you all hear about the American lady who just gave birth to octuplets? (I saw it on a TV news broadcast, and when the anchor said, "She was more than likely using fertility drugs," I said, "No shit, Sherlock.") Anyway, I am jealous!!! How come she gets EIGHT and I can't even have ONE!!!???

Jealousy is such a strange feeling for me. I am not a jealous person, and never have been. When I was a child - in my overprescriptive, hyper-conservative, panopticon-style community - we were warned regularly not to be envious of our 'neighbours,' and I never understood this constant injunction, since I rarely felt that way. (Didn't make me a better person, necessarily - that's just the way I am.)

During my first 5 or 6 years of trying to conceive a baby, I was hardly ever envious of other people's pregnancies and children; not even on chat sites like SoulCysters, when everyone would eventually get knocked up except for me and usually 1 or 2 other women. I was happy for the newly pregnant women. (I must add that it's uncouth in most online infertility forums to admit feelings of 'coveting-what-thy-neighbour-has,' anyway, since all female infertiles are supposed to be one big happy 'family.' That's an illusion, but it takes vet status to realize that things aren't what they seemed.)

Around a year ago, though, I started to feel wistful about pregnancy announcements, and it took me a few days to come around to feeling happy for expectant moms. But I'd get there.

Then, after my post-IVF miscarriage in early October, I realized that I could not feel glad for any pregnant women (unless they had been through similar circumstances that I've had - years and years of heartache). I am so jealous I can hardly stand it. It's a new feeling for me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. (This is partly how I realized that I had achieved vet status, unfortunately.) My feelings will be a problem when we fly home next month, since I'll be inundated with babies and toddlers who look like my DH, and no graceful way to bow out of holding them and playing with them. I'm thinking that we'll have to start telling people about what's truly been going on with us.

Anyway, I am off to TO tomorrow for more bloodwork, and for a lunch meeting with my thesis advisor. And I started Provera today, since I'm on CD22 and have had no ovulation signs yet. I'm scared that the IVF has permanently screwed up my one semi-functional ovary.

duggar family

I am fascinated by the Duggars on that TV show, 18 Kids and Counting. Part of their life seems so foreign to me, and yet part of it is very familiar, since I grew up in a similar ultra-conservative community. For me, watching their show is like pulling on an old favourite coat. Even though the piece is out of style, and maybe a bit threadbare, it's comforting to feel your body enclosed by it again.

Today I watched the wedding special - the eldest son got married - and felt so sad, though, for the first time. It reminded me of my lost history that has yet to be written. Not only do I have to grieve the loss of children, but I have to grieve not being the mother of the bride. I have to grieve not helping my son pull his sh!t together before his wedding day. I have to grieve the loss of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It's a whole future that seems, and probably is, unattainable for us.

Usually I watch those crazy ton-of-kids shows (like the Duggars and Jon + Kate) with the proverbial grain of salt. I never envied their lives, as I knew having that many children would be a recipe for mania in our lives. But now ... well ... I do kinda wish we could have that. Somehow we would make it work.

I'm kinda lonely tonight. I usually enjoy my own company - I'm a pretty introverted person - but today I'd like to have a face-to-face conversation with other people. DH is here, but he's in bed already. I wish that all of the fabulous women (and men, too!) reading this could come over. I've got homemade organic hamburger/vegetable soup, cheese bread, Greek salad, and rum. You're more than welcome to drop by. :)

appointments

So DH's appointments are starting to trickle in.

We're going back to TO this week for karyotyping. Semen culture, routine s/a, and the DNA integrity assay are arranged for late February. Just waiting to hear from the urologist for the rest of the tests. I'm guessing that that will be at the end of Feb, too.

(I also have to go in during my next af for a sonohysterogram. Since I seem to be on yet another never-ending cycle, since the IVF traumatized my lone working ovary, I guess I'll have to induce af at some point and then get that SHG done, so that Hannam gets the results sooner rather than later.)

And then our follow-up with Hannam is in the beginning of March. I hope all the test results are in at that point. And then we'll have a better idea of what to do. Wow, we could be starting IVF again in March/April. It's not really that far away.

In the meantime, DH wants to do the expensive vitamin regimen. And he has lost a lot of weight. Since we moved here around a year and a half ago, he's lost over 30 lbs. I wish I could lose weight so easily. lol Of course, we had the alcohol battle again last night, since we were out with his colleagues/fellow hockey players. *Rolls eyes*

And as for me, I'm going to cut the caffeine (starting, um, next week - lol), as well as alcohol (I'm not a big drinker, though), and continue with the organic diet and 5x/week exercise program. Throw some yoga in here and there. Think I'll cut down on the carbs. I don't think I'll do acupuncture again, except for the pre- and post-transfer sessions (which my insurance will cover). It just all costs too much.

Speaking of which, we've gotta figure out where to take the funds from. Either our house-down-payment account or our retirement savings. Yuck. But we need that money just for half of the cycle - we can pay for the rest with our income tax refund and my final quarterly paycheque this summer.

$$$$$$$$$...............

update on RE appointment

Getting to downtown Toronto via train during morning rush hour was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. That was my #1 concern today. And the clinic is about a 15-minute walk from Union Station, which is a bonus. So monitoring - should we make it that far - won't be too terrible, except that I'll have to get up at 5 a.m. to be there on time. Blech. Am not a morning person. But I do love Toronto.

As for Dr Hannam, I was reservedly pleased. He was much more open and congenial than most doctors I've ever run across. We got 45 minutes to talk to him, and I felt that he would have stuck around as long as we needed. He took time to review our info before the appointment, which was much appreciated, as many Canadian infertility specialists don't, in my experience. And he was concerned that we understood what he was saying (in terms of the medical jargon - I did, but that's because I have a Google U Ph.D.; I don't know what DH knows, though). He also comes highly recommended by current patients on www.ivf.ca.

Hannam's impression, as we've already realized, was that my PCOS has deflected attention from the male factor. We'll never know what caused the mf, but he suspects DH's history of chemical exposure, since no one in his family has ever had mf issues (and yes, we know that for sure). And so he made his recommendations and referrals: semen culture, DNA integrity assay, y-microdeletion, scrotal ultrasound (or something like that - can't remember what it was called) and physical exam by the best urologist in the city, and a karyotype/chromosome analysis. This probably sounds obvious - of course some licensed idiot should order this stuff, considering what we've been through with unruly sperm - but our other clinics WOULD NOT order any of these things! Not even the physical exam! So I'm thrilled that DH is finally getting checked out, and we didn't have to beg. The only test we have to pay for is the DNA test, which is $200 - big deal. And I'm so excited that there's virtually no wait for the urologist - where we're originally from, I bet $100 that we'd be on a year-long waiting list, at least.

Hannam also recommended ramping up DH's antioxidants, so I guess I wasted my money on those Puritan's Pride products. What we need to buy is going to cost around $90/month. Oh well. We got a month's worth of hyper-antioxidants for free from the clinic. And really, we just need to purchase 2 months' worth extra - either from the clinic or direct from the manufacturer - since DH only needs to take them for the 3 months leading up to the egg retrieval. (Ugh, I cringed at typing 'egg retrieval' - I can't believe I have to go through that again. It was so painful - they ended up having to put me out for it. And I was horrendously constipated for 3 days afterward. Yuck.)

I'm also getting the following tests: sonohysterogram, y-microdeletion, and karyotype/chromosome analysis, as well as the standard bloodwork (e.g., thyroid).

Incidentally, I also liked the fact that Hannam believed me when I said that I controlled my PCOS on my own, with diet and exercise, and he was excited about it. (Doctors, for whatever dumb reason, rarely believe me when I say that I did it without drugs, even though I can prove it with my medical records.) I also said that I would not do Metformin or Glumetza ever again, and he did not argue with me, as my previous doctors have done.

The cycling cost won't be quite as bad as I'd feared. The $11,000 I was quoted on-line (by other patients at www.ivf.ca) covers IVF, ICSI, and AH, plus embryo freezing and storage. And I can get the drugs at Glen Shields, which should save me a small bundle. So we'll spend around $3000 more than the last time. But my gut says we've done the right thing, and I always go with my gut. Yes, it's still going to cost a lot more than it did at our previous clinic. $3000 is a lot of money for us. When I'm teaching full-time, that's how much I take home in 6 weeks. But I reason that it will all come out the same in the end, since Hannam's success rate is almost 20% higher than any other clinic around here. So it's ok. Right?

He said that, if we decided to become his patients, considering the timeline we laid out for him, we need to get a cycle going this spring, after the test results come in (hoping, of course, that none of them is too bad). He's talking March. I groaned, since that means my beta will happen just before the time I'm prepping for my thesis defense. He looked concerned about those two things happening simultaneously, but we all agreed there wasn't much else we could do. He sounded guardedly optimistic about the potential IVF outcome, since I did get pregnant last time, and it is possible that that miscarriage could have been a fluke, since many pregnancies do end that way, especially for first-timers.

Anyway. Yikes. March is not far away. I'm thinking that April is more realistic, since we need to gather the results of all our tests, first, and those things always take longer than expected. I am not proceeding until we get the result of the DNA test.

Now, to deal with the professor I've been avoiding. *Sigh* Seems that seeing her on Monday will be unavoidable, as I have a meeting in her vicinity. She really upsets me -our personalities just don't click - and I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I would never tell her about the infertility stuff - although it might help her realize that she needs to back off from nagging me about working for her, and finishing the paper we started writing together - because she (think ultra-prim Victorian poster child here) can't handle that information. It would embarrass her so much, and I'm trying to protect her from that, as I'd feel terrible. And then, despite her discomfort with the topic, she'd bring it up all the time and ask me pointedly, with a cocked head and an exaggerated look of concern, "How are you doing, really? ... Ok, are you sure? ... When should we meet about the paper? ... "

the day

Got a good workday in. Yay. You all must think I'm terribly lazy, to have to make a strict schedule like this, but I'm not, really. I usually work almost all the time, including weekends (y'know, Protestant work ethic and all that). Stuff's just been so different lately.

Still didn't sleep last night, but I'd better tonight, since I have to get up before 6 to make it to Toronto on time for the consultation with the new RE. Blech. At least we can go run around after that. I was thinking about going to the Bata Shoe Museum, and finding some Thai food for lunch. DH likes museums, and Thai is his favourite, so that shouldn't be a hard sell.

I am being very good so far!

I've stuck to my schedule! Hurray for me! Ok, back to work!

Accountability

Normally I hate that word - accountability (since it smacks of losing my professional status as a teacher, as some nitwit politicians think that they can dictate to educators how to dispense the curriculum) - but I'm going to use it right now to keep myself honest.

I tried v.v. hard to prime myself for a more restful evening, and to treat my body and mind gently, as gently as I'd treat a friend who told me how much she was suffering because of infertility. The goal here is to consider myself my own friend, and since I'm a caretaker (by nature and by nurture), that means that I must be very good to myself. And I'm not being selfish by doing this, since it's for a friend, right?

1) I'm writing here. That's good.

2) I worked v.v. hard today on my thesis, and was pleasantly surprised to realize that my methodology/method chapter is nearly finished, and that it's actually pretty good. Yay for me. Also, I spoke to my advisor on the phone (and she did not insist that I call aforementioned annoying professor - whew!); she's a wonderful person, so we had a nice chat.

3) I watched the inauguration, and that lifted my spirits. I loved seeing the Rosa Parks bus follow the Obamas as they walked the last stretch to the White House - that was lovely. Was sad to see Michelle Obama's rather matronly day outfit.

4) I read yesterday in a book by a sleep expert (Can't Sleep, Can't Stay Awake, by Meir Kryger) that caffeine takes up to 12 hours to leave a woman's body. I lovelovelove my daily cup of coffee or cappuccino, and usually have it around noon. That means that there could still be caffeine in my body when I'm trying to fall asleep. So today I had coffee before 10:00, instead.

5) I worked out for 45 minutes, plus did my stretches.

6) I will shut my laptop down at 11. So that I will not get myself upset on Facebook (haven't been on FB for 3 or 4 days now), or on infertility web sites, or on any other kind of site that I know has bad triggers for me. I will find something calm to watch on TV until I get sleepy. So that means that Colbert and Stewart will have to wait until tomorrow for my rapt attention.

7) I ate 10 servings of fruits/veg, plus no junk food (I don't eat much of that, anyway). We're still on our organic kick, so that's good. And I remembered to take all of my vitamins.

Now.

The plan for tomorrow:

-Care about what time I get out of bed in the morning.
-Do hair and makeup, get dressed, etc.
-Go get coffee, bring it back to apartment to consume with my breakfast. This must happen by 10, at the latest. (Yeah, yeah, I'm a late riser. It takes 2 hours, usually, for me to fall asleep, and I need at least 8 hours. My sleep cycle is all messed.)
-Work on thesis from 10-12. I will read an article saved on my desktop, and incorporate it into the methodology. Then I will read 3 articles on memoir, and start using them in the method section. This must get done tomorrow.
-One hour of correspondence, book transfers, and other bureaucratic work; don't forget to eat lunch.
-Work on thesis for another 2 hours. Maybe continue reading Bitter Milk.
-Go to gym from 3:30-4:30, come back to shower, etc.
-Make dinner, then eat.
-Alternate an hour of work with an hour of TV or other nonsense (whatever DH wants).
-Shut laptop down no later than 11 p.m.

Sorry to bore you with the deets of my mundane life. lol

my funny dh

Ok.

Dh, much to my surprise, did not freak out at the cost of our next IVF cycle. Here is his reasoning. He thinks that the New World Order is coming in 2012, and that Obama is going to be the leader of it (don't ask me why he thinks this, since he is an Obama supporter). And that that's when the world will end. Therefore, we should spend all of our money now. So he doesn't care if we blow $14000 on our next round.

Um, okaaaaay. He's also not sure that people ever landed on the moon. So I'll take the money and run. :)

And why am I so attached to his genes, you're probably asking yourself right now? Well, I do really love him. Hahahahaha. No really, I do.

worries

And so no, I did not sleep, and did not catch up this morning, either, since I was worried that I would miss the inauguration stuff on TV. lol I'm very obsessed with African American history/culture/literature - have been since I was a little critter - and so I must see this event on TV. I was so excited that Obama was elected.

Anyway, my advisor wants me to call her this morning. Urgh. I have a phone-phobia, first off (don't ask me why - I don't know - I just prefer talking to people in person). Second, part of her message has something to do with my difficult professor I used to work for. My advisor really wanted her on my committee, and I kept side-stepping that idea, and found someone else who was more suitable (in terms of both temperament and research interests). The prof has Asperger syndrome, or something like it, and is impossible to work with (needs control of everything, is the passivest-aggressive person I've ever met, has a a hard time reading social cues, needs things repeated ad nauseum, asks me repeatedly to do work that I've already completed, expects me to read her mind, etc.). She can't keep any research assistants. But she is very, very nice. I am worried that my advisor wants me to phone this lady - I know I'd get suckered into working for her again, and I'd hate it. Our work styles just don't complement each other, since I am also meticulous about my work, and I don't need to be baby-sat in order to do a good job. (I do work well in a team, but only when my peeps and I have a mutual understanding that no one can be the controller: we have to work together. I'm ok with that, and enjoy it, actually.) Siiiiigh. More things to worry about.

I'm an anxious person, in case you couldn't tell. Partly due to nature, partly due to nurture. This TTC garbage doesn't help, either.

Speaking of which, I e-mailed the nurse at Hannam to ask about the atrocious prices. She says they're priced higher because: a) it's a private clinic, and b) it's success rates are much higher than average. So now what should I think? Their posted IVF success rate (meaning a clinical pregnancy) for my age group is approaching 70%. Other clinics are at around 50%. But what does that mean in our case? I don't know if I trust statistics, anyway, especially in the infertility medical business. Is the extra $$ worth it? (Especially since I'd have to pull it out of my a$$, somehow.)

Anyway, must get back to work. Gotta hammer down on my thesis.

resolve

Ok, this is what I CAN do, in no particular order:

1) Get going on my thesis. I did a lot of backsliding since September, since all the grief has gotten to me, and I'm really behind, but I will get back on track. I WILL I WILL I WILL. Most of the thesis's structure is already arranged, and I've done 70% of the research and at least 60% of the writing. I got back on the bandwagon yesterday, and made a FIRM schedule for what I'll do at what point, and I WILL stick to it. I must finish the initial draft by the end of June, at least. If I must, I will send DH back home ahead of me to find a job and an apartment, and I'll join him when I can. He will not like this idea, so I'd better start talking to him about it now.

2) I will find a job back home for September. And no worries if I don't - I can substitute teach full time, which sucks, but I'll get over it. (At least, since I wouldn't be on contract, I could take off to cycle, if it works out that way.)

3) If we don't get an IVF cycle in by the summer, I will take a deep breath. I will cry and kick and scream. And then I will schedule it for the following summer (2010), and fly out to do it after I've had all of July to de-stress from the school year. I'll be going on 32 at that point, but that's still not 35, when IVF success rates start to plummet. I'll make it there, somehow.

4) Will keep screaming at God, just to keep communication lines open. I read a novel, called Our Lady of the Lost and Found, which assured me that this is ok.

5) Must also keep talking to DH, even though this infertility stuff is killing us.

6) I will hopefully get a sleep study done soon, so that I can get some help with my chronic insomnia.

7) Will force myself to be at least somewhat normal in my relationships with my family and friends IRL (in real life). That means phoning my parents, my brother, and my BFF this weekend, even though I don't want to. I will phone them on Sunday, when DH is playing hockey. I will also send e-mails to my other friends who haven't heard from me in ages.

Ok, that's the plan, for now. These things are all do-able, but I have to do them slowly, and remind myself that I don't have to take everything on at once.

I have to remember, too, that even if I'm not done my thesis on time (which is my biggest worry, since it would screw up the timing for everything), I can still move back home when I need to, since I've finished the residency requirement; I'd just have to fly back here in fall to defend it. It'd be a bugger to get books and journal articles, but hopefully I won't need anything new by then, if I do, I'll just buy it on-line and get it shipped to my home. And I wouldn't be able to meet with my advisor, but the phone and e-mail will do.

I need to find more things to calm me down, especially before I go to bed. The hour before I should go to sleep is when my anxieties surface; I've always been this way. So today I resumed going to the gym - I stopped early last month because of the FET - and that should help tire me out. Writing on this blog helps me down from the ledge. What else? I can't read, since then I'd never even go to bed. Maybe I'll pick up some lavender oil - I hate the smell, but it does seem to slow my heartrate down. Any other ideas? I can't keep relying on Ativan/Gravol, since the efficacy wears off if I take it too often. And I guess I should take up yoga again, especially the meditative aspect of it. I wish I felt like having sex; that would help. Only I definitely don't feel sexy these days. Although DH assures me that he thinks I'm as hot as ever. lol

PANIC

I am panicking about all of this:

1) I will never have a baby, and everyone else will have healthy and beautiful children and grandchildren, and I will be alone.

2) I will never find a decent clinic - something will go wrong every time.

3) I will never find out why our embryos suck.

4) I will never finish my thesis, and we'll be stuck in this apartment in this smelly city (literally, it stinks), living on DH's paycheque (which is $8/hour less than he makes back home), and I'll have no job. Which also means that we won't be able to TTC for another year, since we'll have no money. And I'll be bored and angry.

5) I'll never stop feeling sad, angry, alone, and bitter.

6) I'll hate my career for the rest of my life.

7) I'll never sleep again. Last night, I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m., after I pleaded for hours in prayer for some peace. And either for a baby or for the pronatal desire to be removed from me. I can't go on with just a few hours of rest every night.

8) I'll end up in hell when I'm dead.

9) I'll never have normal relationships with people again.

10) I'll lose my marriage.

11) We'll never get our financial house in order, we'll never keep up with retirement savings, and we'll end up destitute. And TTC costs will wipe us out, anyway.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH. These fears aren't even silly exaggerations. I am genuinely scared to death about all of it, and I think I have every right to be. I'm a completely different person, and I hate it.

I'm also worried that I won't be able to watch the American inauguration tomorrow, since the rhetoric will be all about HOPE, and I won't be able to stomach it. :(

Garhhhhh.

probably starting over...again

Apparently it's back to the drawing board.

I just found out that the price I'll likely be quoted for IVF/ICSI/AH (not counting the drugs) will be almost double what I paid at my last clinic. We can't afford that. Hell, we can't afford any of this, period.

So I guess we'll go to the appointment anyway, hear what the RE has to say, and then ask for our file back. I'll look at getting a referral to ISIS, instead.

We're running short on time here, and we have no idea how long we'll have to wait for possible diagnostics and another IVF round. I'm starting to panic about time, because if we move back home anytime soon, it really has to be in late spring/early summer, to ensure that DH finds work (he's seasonal, and will not find a job later than that), and that I land a teaching position. But if we don't move back, I won't get a job, since there's a massive surplus of teachers in this area. And then no $ for further treatments.

I'm starting to wish that I had waited a few more years to start this degree. I'm stuck here now, with no idea about what to do. I've gotta get moving on my thesis, to finish before the summer begins.

No wonder I can't get any sleep.

averted crisis

DH and I patched things up (again) this morning. He feels as though I'm treating him like a child, but I did my best to explain (again) why I'm policing the alcohol zone. I don't personally care if he has 3 beers. He's a big boy. But I can't help it that excessive amounts of alcohol kill sperm. So if he can't observe the recommended limit of alcohol until TTC is over, then I have to intervene. That's just the way it is. I'm a pretty kick-ass wife - not to brag, but except for this TTC trauma, DH has got it VERY good - so I won't let myself feel bad about having to be the booze nazi around here. And he's over it already. lol

DH and booze

DH came home after having too many beers. Despite the doctor's recommendation (and my request) that he not have more than 1 or 2 at a time. I didn't even have the energy to get mad about it. Then when I asked him again if he could limit himself for the foreseeable future, he casually agreed, meanwhile pouring himself a glass of champagne. I got upset then and commented on how I'm busting my ass to try for a baby, and doing all the work. He went to bed, and now I'm never going to fall asleep tonight.

I do not know why he's doing this. He's not a big drinker, and only ever has more than a few when he's depressed about losing his dad (and I can understand that). But other than that ... I say 'please don't have more than a few per week (as per doctor's orders),' and then he's GOT to test the limits. I know he didn't do it deliberately to upset me. So WHY, then? Why jeopardize all of our work, money, and emotions? Studies show that alcohol is not kind to sperm. So why can't he just forget about booze - or just drink casually - until we're done TTC? Is he trying to sabotage this on a subconscious level?

update

Thanks to every person here for all the love. It's sad that I feel I can't rely on 'real life' people for support - e.g., my parents, my brother, my bff - but it's not their fault. They are wonderful people. This journey is a solitary one, though, except for the people who are traveling the same path (e.g., YOU). I'm grateful for you.

An update on our situation. First, I participated in a provincial survey about infertility and adoption. A woman phoned me for the interview, which lasted an hour. She was wonderful, and I was able to share my views on just about everything. I have done the research - from newspapers, qualitative social science research, humanities research, etc. - to be able to present a convincing case. The results from all of these surveys will be presented to a panel that will, in turn, make recommendations to the government about provincial policy re: infertility care, adoption, and foster care. I think I should be on the panel, frankly, but no one has asked me to join. lol

DH and I agreed a few days ago to not talk about any baby stuff until after the intake appointment next week. Because it's just too sad to think that we might not be together for the rest of our lives, if nothing good comes of it.

So he's gone tonight - out with the boys, which is a good thing - and I'm left with my own company. Normally I enjoy being alone, but not when I'm so depressed and filled with longing for my babies. I'm sitting here, dissolving over my keyboard, and quite a funny and sad sight, if I do say so myself. A few hours ago, when I looked in a mirror, I thought - and then forced myself to say- "I will be a mother one day." And then teared up. I've never said that aloud before. I don't know if I believe that statement. I don't think so.

I wasn't supposed to cry tonight. I guess I've just had a stressful day. I'm behind on my thesis, I'm on an extension, and the A+ I was promised on my proposal isn't, in fact, certain at all. And my academic schedule affects my job (?) in September, as well as whether or not I'll be able to continue (siiiiiigh) infertility treatments.

I bought a crapload of seafood (mussels, shrimp, and scallops), and homemade pasta, to make seafood pasta with parmesan. And champagne. Was going to watch a funny movie and eat good food ... and drink. But I couldn't find a good funny movie, so I watched M*A*S*H, which I adore, but it was a sad episode. The one where the medical team has 30 minutes to find an aorta for a dying soldier. They find one, of course, but at the expense of another (dead) soldier. So here I am, crying all over the keyboard, and it's too cold outside to walk out and rent a movie. But at least the food and the wine were good. And I do still love M*A*S*H (it's pathological - I'm in love with Hawkeye, and have been since I was 5 years old).

No, I don't care how cold it is. I'm going out to rent a movie and get a pastry to eat (joined by the other half of my bottle of champagne). Don't worry - I'm not driving. lol

Hope you all get through the weekend. Love to all.

life sucks

Life sucks and I wish I could die. That's what DH and I are both thinking these days. There's a very real chance that we'll break up if we don't get some good news one of these days. He cried and cried, and so did I. We talked about what we'll do, where he'd go, what would happen to me.

He offered to give up his passion - hot rodding (which costs a lot of money, but I've never cared how much he spent on it) - and save up to retire early, and travel anywhere I want to go. But it would be just a distraction for me. I used to love traveling, but nothing matters to me anymore. God hates us and wants us to suffer.

My parents know something is wrong. They phoned earlier, and DH talked to them, since I refused to come to the phone (so he said I was out). He said my mom knows something is up.

I do not know what to do. I can't believe this hellhole is my life.

small mercy

Thank goodness for small mercies. Our appointment has been moved from Feb 2 to Jan 22, which is next week.

Thank goodness - maybe we'll be on track to find some answers - we need this, considering the major blow-out we had yesterday (after I cried almost all day). Because what are our options, if it turns out that DH can't father biological children?

1) We adopt. DH is mainly happy with this - I am not.

2) We stay childfree. DH is mostly ok with this - I am not.

3) We continue treatments until I hit menopause, which (considering my family history of extended female fertility) could take another 20 years, and hope that something finally works. Both DH and I are extremely unhappy with this idea. So scratch that.

4) We try donor sperm. DH is very unhappy with this idea, and I am only mildly unhappy about it (because I grieve my inability to have a biological child with DH, and because I grieve when my DH is unhappy). But at least I'd get a shot at pregnancy and motherhood.

What is the least painful thing? We don't know.

DH said yesterday that he can't live with being the cause of my pain. He said we should split up, and that I could find another guy with whom to build a family. Now, I am not interested in locating any new guy, period, since if I were single, I don't think I'd care about having kids. It's just because of him that I want to parent ... with him. We hashed that out for a while.

Then he burst out saying that we would do the fourth option, since there is not one thing that will satisfy us both.

But we can't live with that, either. Assuming that it would work (and there is no such assumption, of course), DH says he will not parent the kid, and that he'll tell everyone that it's not his child in any way. Well, we can't put a kid through that! I imagine it would be hard enough on DI kids to know only half of their genetic make-up (in Canada, sperm donors must remain anonymous), let alone feeling completely unwanted by their social fathers.

I do feel that my DH would never go through with these threats - he is a great guy with a huge heart for children - but I don't want to assume anything, or to jump into using donor just hoping that he'll change his mind. Because if I'm wrong, and he doesn't change his mindset, we'll have an unhappy kid, an angry father, and consequently a worried and sad mother. That's really bad for everyone involved. It's not worth the risk.

So yeah. We're both stuck in a difficult place, with no easy answers, and no way for us to go on as happy as we were before.

I'm desperate for our new doctor to suggest something that will work for DH's sperm, so that we never have to address the DI issue again. I'm asking for the SCSA and for karyotyping. I'm going to ask if sperm obtained from a testicular biopsy (which would be younger and fresher) would perhaps work better than the ejaculated stuff. We'll do anything at this point.

In the meantime, DH says that when we go back home next month (for a visit), he going to tell everyone about our infertility, specifically that his sperm don't work. He said to me - loudly - that he has nothing to be ashamed of, and I agree: he doesn't. I don't see him as any less of a man for not producing a healthy semen sample. I really mean that. To me, masculinity has nothing to do with that (rather, what tells me he is a man is his willingness to do anything to make me happy). I'm not just saying that - this is how I truly feel about it. And I keep saying that to him.

I hope our family and friends are supportive of him. I'm not hopeful about it, though, because we ALL know how fertiles treat infertiles. So I'm steeling myself against the recommendations to relax and the moral judgements because we used IVF instead of adopting. And the looks of pity.

beneath the surface

DH will never ever understand what he's asking me to give up. There is nothing in my life that infertility hasn't soured.

We live thousands of kilometres from our respective hometowns (which are about a 45-minute drive from each other), and yet I can't phone my friends or family. I hardly ever talk to any of them. Why? Because what's going on in my life is so completely alienated from anything to do with them. Everything that matters to me - infertility, cycling, my miscarriage, my marriage, my thesis (much of which has to do with infertility) - is a big fat secret.

On the outside, we look perfect: jet-setting couple, madly in love with each other, great jobs, etc. On the inside, everything is rotting: constant crying, arguments, living paycheque-to-paycheque, my inability to focus on my work, etc. DH and I are madly in love with each other, but this baby thing is taking a massive toll, and I don' t know if our relationship will survive it.

My bff back home phoned, and the first thing she told me about was her new baby niece and how perfect she is. (First daughter among 3 boys - her SIL wasn't giving up until she got a girl. Yay for her.) Then she wanted to know what was up with me, and I couldn't think about what to say. I know I sounded distant and disinterested, and I couldn't do a thing about it. I can't share what's really going on with me, and it makes me feel as though I'm living separately from real life. As though my family and friends don't know the first thing about me anymore. I hope she doesn't read between the lines too much. I totally care about everything that's going on with her; it's just that I can't divulge what really is important to me in my life these days. I hope she doesn't take my detachment to mean that I care any less about her, because I don't.

We're going 'back home' next month, and I dread it. I've had a miscarriage and a failed FET since the last time I saw any of them, and I know they'll be able to tell that I've changed. I don't have any energy, and I don't care about anything. I'm so joyless, and I feel as though I've completely lost my sense of humour. I don't know when the last time was that I did my hair. I don't want to hear about all the family news. I'm steeling myself against the possibility that my brother and his wife may be expecting already, and that February may be the time for the big announcement. We'll have to meet DH's nieces' babies for the first time, and I take no joy in that. I am so unhappy. I should be nearly halfway through my pregnancy by now. How can DH justify how he's asking me to give up everything that I care about? I wish I could get inside his head to know what's really going on. I wish he could step inside mine for a moment to know that his decision is ruining my soul.

God thinks I suck

Wanna know how I know God doesn't like me and wants me to suffer?

I blogged a few days ago about the friend whose pregnancy was just announced on Facebook. Well, I found out today that she's also due when I would've been, in late spring.

To make matters worse, they go to our church, which is the one to which we'll return (or at least we were planning to) when we move back home this summer, and so we'll see them at least once/week. Plus we usually go out for lunch with her family, including parents, after the service.

Life just doesn't get any better than this. I guess we'll kiss that church goodbye. Ah well. Who says we would've definitely resumed our attendance there, anyway? We haven't been to church in almost 2 years, except for a wedding and a funeral.

This might amuse you, though: this pg chick is DH's ex-girlfriend's youngest sister (DH had just one girlfriend before me, and they were serious - if he hadn't met me, they would've ended up getting back together and marrying). I am friends with DH's ex's entire family, except for her. Heck, her parents even hug me when they see me, even when DH isn't around. I guess that might all come to an end, since DH and I will be burrowed in our little hole for the rest of our lives, so that we don't have to see anyone else's rugrats who are the same age that ours would've been.

Yay for Friday nights. I hope yours is going better than mine. At least we have homemade organic pizza. And beer.

adoption

I had an idea today, and shared it with DH - he was gung-ho about it. Take a break from infertility treatments and adopt from Mexico. We wouldn't get an infant, but we can live with that. We'd probably have to live there for 6 months to get the paperwork done, but we could try to make that work (DH liked the idea, actually, and I'm always all for moving to new places, so that's cool). The main draw is that my brother's wife is from Mexico, so the kid would maybe feel not quite so out of place in our family, especially since any potential cousins would also be half Mexican. As well, there are many white Mexicans where we're from (that's not a joke - it's true). And we could keep up with Spanish, then (I could even learn it), and spend time in Mexico (the real country, not the resorts) as a family. I could resume TTC in 2 or 3 years. At first, it all just felt right.

But then DH said something to the effect of oh good, because I just can't do the donor thing. So we had it out about that again. I guess that's gonna become normal around here. He said that he'd be angry about it, he'd feel like a failure, he'd feel jealous, and he'd feel as though I'd cheated on him. I get the anger and the jealousy and the failure, but not the cheating, especially since I've never been with anyone except him. No other boyfriends. Nothing. To me, the donor is just that: a donor. Someone who is providing much-needed genetic material so that we can get on with our lives already. But I guess that's an uncomfortable topic for guys.

It's a fine line between being pissed off at him and understanding how he's feeling. I can't tell him what to feel. It's got to be normal to feel that way. I mean, he's grieving the loss of his fertility; he only found out recently, and I remember how many years it took me to come to terms with it when I thought I was the infertile one. But I want to be pregnant again so bad, and I want to go through labour, delivery, breastfeeding, etc, etc. How can I possibly give that up? He thinks I don't know what I'm asking of him, which is probably true, but he also has no inkling of the sacrifice he's asking of me. He can't have it; therefore I can't have it, either. He asked me if I wanted him to be angry at me all the time, and hate me, as a result of a 'donor' baby. I said, "Either way, there's gonna be hatred flying around. Because I'm bitter already, and it's not going to get any better."

So I don't think I can adopt in the meantime, after all. Because DH said we could resume treatments afterward, but I know him. I know that after we'd adopt, he'd consider it case closed. Besides, we'd be down to one income - plus paying adoption bills - and so we wouldn't be able to afford IVF again. And anyway, I'm not getting any younger.

Our IF questionnaire from the new clinic asked about our stress levels (including depression and anxiety), on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest). I wrote: "I can't define my stress according to a number, but I can say that infertility is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and that there's nothing in my life left untainted by this physical and social condition." DH wrote: 8.

Yikes. 8 is high. He's hiding it pretty well. What can I do? If the new doctor does find something irreparable, one of us is going to have to make the sacrifice of a lifetime for the other. Or else we may need to part ways. I can't live with the idea of not trying everything possible before giving up this fight.

Got our first appointment (and questions about adoption)

For whatever obnoxious reason - which is no one's fault, but it's still annoying - my referral still hasn't been received by the Hannam clinic. So while I continue to harangue the gp's administrator to get the referral through (by carrier pigeon, if need be), the nurse at Hannam (bless her heart) scheduled our first appointment anyway.

So Feb 2 is the big day - yay. I don't have to wait a year to get in, like I did at the first two infertility clinics.

In the meantime, I promised DH that I would seriously consider adoption, and I really meant it. Even though the idea is inconceivable to me - to adopt instead of getting pregnant. (I'll write more about this later, since it's a long story.) I read somewhere that a successful marriage relies on the idea that each partner will consider that the other person might also be right, even if they seem wrong. So ok. I will try my best, and I trust that he will do the same.

I spent yesterday evening researching adoption options, and my preliminary findings beg the following questions:

1) Where, exactly, are all these thousands of lonely, unfamilied, Oliver Twist-ish kids that opponents of assisted reproductive technology keep talking about (in their efforts to prove that it is the responsibility of IF couples everywhere to care for them, rather than pursuing treatments)?

2) Why does it cost $25,000 to adopt one, if you and a child are lucky enough to find each other?

3) Is it okay for a white couple to adopt a child who is not white? (I ask this because I am aware that people's skin colour matters, and that being white gives me privileges in society that people of colour usually do not have. I hesitate about tearing children away from their cultural identities, particularly because it perpetuates colonialism, which I wish to avoid.)

Anyway, more later. I'm starving.

Ok, I just saw that comments are enabled on the last post. WTH?

Well, I don't know what's wrong with the comments. I've triple-checked everything on the Dashboard, and it's all enabled. So if you don't have my e-mail address and need to reach me, try me at lovinglifelive@live.ca. I don't check it every day, but I get to it eventually.

Ok, it has come to my attention that I've somehow switched off the 'comments' option on this blog. I was kinda wondering why I hadn't heard from anyone, but I figured everyone was either busy with the holidays or sick of my whining. Or both. lol I will try to fix the problem - I don't know why it's not working, since the comments option is enabled. Hm....

Where are the true infertiles?

If 1 of every 5 or 6 couples has trouble with infertility, how come none of them are my family members or friends (in real life)?

I have a huge extended family. My dad has 4 siblings, and my mom has 9, and so the family tree is massive (e.g., my mom's family numbers at over 100 people). The only real infertility case I can think of is one cousin's wife, and from what I remember her telling me (this isn't confidential - she's very open about it), it was because of childhood physical abuse. So she literally can't have children. (Damn unfair, too.) Oh, my mom's eldest sister never had kids, but we don't know if she and my uncle were infertile; I think that they chose to be childfree, since she was forced to raise all her younger siblings, pretty much, which she really resented. But who knows?

Another cousin's wife has trouble getting pregnant, and had a stillbirth, but she already has one living son. Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't think she counts, since if she went back on Femara, she'd still likely end up with a 'take-home' baby.

In DH's family:
-grandmother had recurrent miscarriages, but she still had a bunch of kids
-one aunt was truly infertile - never once got pregnant, though she tried and tried
-brother and SIL have recurrent miscarriages and stillbirths, but they have 2 living children (not to trivialize this, of course, since their tragedies were horrible, but they do have beautiful kids)

As for my friends, the only person who comes to mind has decided not to pursue ART, even though she can afford it. Clomid was as far as she got. This also, in my mind, does not count. (But good for her - I wish I could come to the same decision.)

Where are all the infertiles? The 1-out-of-6 (or 5, depending on whose statistics you're looking at) couples who just can't get the job done. I know that the classic rebuttal will be: Oh, but you don't know how many friends and family members struggled to get their children. Well guess what: THEY DIDN'T. Everyone I know has kids at the 2- or 3-year mark of marriage, which is standard where I'm from. They go on to have kids every 2 or 3 years, until they declare that they are 'done,' and then they complain about the annoyance of getting tubes clipped, or however it works to get permanent birth control.

Meanwhile, I'm the only one I know (besides the aunt and the first cousin I named in this post, as well as DH's aunt) who has completely unwanted birth control. I can't catch a break. Where I'm from, I'm a freak of nature. No exaggeration.

I think I've gotta get off of Facebook. As much as I like it, I can't deal with all the pregnancy and baby talk; that's what's setting me off today. The most recent pregnancy announcement - basically our last set of friends who were child-free - is bothering me, especially since they're complaining on their Facebooks that they can't go to the Caribbean this winter. Also, one of my cousins (the one who is due at the same time I would've been) is posting ultrasounds, info about the sex, thinking aloud about baby names, etc., and it's just too cutting for me. She's going to find out on Friday if she's expecting a boy or a girl.

Maybe I'll pare FB down to just my brother and SIL, my mom, etc. But I know I'll offend a million people. It's not that I want to cut anyone out of my life - they're welcome to e-mail me the old-fashioned way - but I need to protect myself from the pictures and status updates. I'm not sure what the etiquette should look like in this case.

Had a horrible night, but that's getting to be par for the course around here. Couldn't even enjoy the hockey game. I sobbed almost all evening, and DH stayed on the phone with my brother while watching the game, because he didn't know what to do.

We stayed up until midnight, talking. He begged me to consider adoption, but it's just not right for me now. I wanted to adopt, but after I gave birth to a child (and I have valid reasons for this).

So DH says he feels that he has to give in on the donor issue, since I'm so miserable, he's scared that I'm going to do something to myself. So I felt even worse. I don't want to scare him, and make him upset, or muscle him into using donor as our last resort.

We talked about it some more. He told me why he doesn't want to do it. I told him why I do. So he is going to think for a week about using donor, and I will re-evaluate my stance on adoption.

I feel so terrible and guilty because he has to go through all of this. He went to work this morning after only 5 hours of sleep. So I made one of his favourite dinners - salad with homemade dressing, sloppy joes, fruit salad - and we're gonna watch August Rush.

I did feel a little better today, that is, until I saw - on Facebook (where else?) - that friends of ours are expecting their first. Of course. And so it goes.

Deed is done. Have officially requested the transfer of our IF medical records to Hannam in Toronto.

Saw a wonderful gp at a walk-in clinic, who faxed the referral ASAP to Hannam. She also provided a referral to a sleep disorder clinic - for a formal sleep study - which I have needed for years. (I have racing thoughts, bruxism, dream disorders, etc., etc. Have always been that way. Sleep is a precious commodity in my world.)

Spoke to an administrator at Hannam about possible sperm tests to be ordered. She said that Hannam often orders those tests (e.g., SCSA). And, she said that I could expect patient intake within 30 days (which is no small miracle in Canada). Via e-mail, a nurse said that she could set up an appointment for me already, if I wanted.

Af arrived. I was in Starbucks, 2 miles from home. Wearing a thong, and no supplies in my bag. No advance spotting: just a whoooosh. WTF. Only 2 days after withdrawing from the meds. The nurse said it would take at least 6 days. And it's no painless af like last time - every part of my body hurts, even my teeth. Maybe that's the grief talking. I guess this sounds dumb, but every time I'm in the bathroom, it feels like a funeral, and I wonder at what point the embryo will leave my body, or whether it's been absorbed into my own.

I can see in DH's eyes that he's riding out the storm. His impression is that an unwanted childfree life will be hard for me to take at first, but that I'll get used to it, and that I'll go back to being my old self. Little does he know. He just doesn't get it.

abrupt change of plans

Dh and I agree that we want to know what the problem is with fertilization and embie development. Our current clinic will not offer any testing on the sperm, other than the basic analysis (which has been done 4 times). All they say is to keep trying IVF. Well, what if DH's swimmers have, for example, a high degree of DNA fragmentation - which is a distinct possibility - and he simply can't be a biological father? IVF would be a huge waste of money. We don't understand why our clinic won't provide these kinds of tests, and so we're outta there. I'm phoning tomorrow to ask for a copy of our record.

We're looking at three clinics in the GTA that do offer more extensive sperm tests: ISIS, Markham, and Hannam. (In addition, they all seem to believe in immunological issues, so if that crops up, too, at least we can deal with it.) We'll probably be wait-listed again, but we're used to that, I guess. If we don't get another cycle in by the end of the summer, we'll have to figure something else out. Either wait until the summer of 2010 to fly back here, or I'd have to take a medical leave (if that would even be allowed under my teaching contract - probably not...).

I'm hoping for Hannam. He's got a great reputation, good success rates, and the clinic would be relatively easy for me to get to by transit. I e-mailed them re: wait time, and can't wait to hear back.

I still want donor as our last resort - e.g., for when I'm approaching 40 and just need something to work already - so I guess I'll keep on hoping and praying for DH to come around on this issue. He's trying to be understanding, but he will never truly 'get' how important this is to me. It's not his fault; it's just the way it is.

Maybe we should just go ahead and try the next attempt. I mean, last time, at least one of the embies had to get to blast status to be able to implant (somewhat). Maybe it was just one of those random miscarriages that many women end up having, whether or not they're aware of it. Maybe it will be different this time.

We are planning to do assisted hatching this time, so that's gotta help. And our RE is lowering my Puregon (aka Follistim) from 175 units to 125, since I overresponded last time, and it affected the number of eggs retrieved (11, which is apparently still good, but my antral follicle count is over 20, so ...). Maybe a smaller dosage will let me get more eggs, to get us even one or two more embryos than last time.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe not. I wish the doctors would actually test the damn sperm so we could know what was really wrong, and if there's any chance for us.

Am having second thoughts about an immediate IVF. What's the point, if the sperm are so crappy, and the clinic has no further suggestions for us, other than 'try again.' If we tried to get into one of the Toronto clinics that actually tests for male factor (e.g., DNA fragmentation), maybe we could try getting newer sperm from a testicular biopsy. What is that called - TESE?

I don't know what to think or do. Is it worthwhile to waste another $10-12000 (basically, all of our savings) on an IVF attempt when we already know that the embies will be of poor quality? When we know that the sperm can't drive the embie development? When we know what the likely outcome will be? What would you do if you were me (or my DH)?

Also, we're going back home in February, plus I have a conference to attend, so I don't know if I want to be all red-eyed during that time.

I'm not at all talkative today. Think I'm going to walk to Starbucks, and maybe read there for a bit. I ordered a stack of books through www.bookcloseouts.com, and I'm in the middle of Sweetness in the Belly. Ttyl.

Official BFN

Clinic confirmed negative beta. Will wait for af, and then start stims again. I went to bed, then got up, took Vicodin, and asked DH to take me shopping. I needed a new bra - badly - and so that distracted me somewhat. I can't believe how ancient I feel - my joints are aching, and I'm so tired. I'm gonna take a sleeping pill tonight, as soon as the Canada-Russia hockey game is over.

If this next IVF/ICSI/AH doesn't work, we're switching to a clinic that deals more specifically with male factor (and that believes in auto-immune issues, just in case that happens to be a problem, too - we don't know because we've never been able to get that far). By that time, we will likely be out of this province, and I'll be teaching again, so I guess we'd have to wait until July of 2010 for the next cycle. Maybe I should get the clinic referral started, just in case. Am thinking of going to Dr Virro in Mississauga, and he's apparently got a long waitlist.

DH and I are having major problems over this, and we're talking about separating if nothing ever works. I can't cope with all of this disappointment for the rest of my reproductive years, and he can't cope with the idea of donor. (Thank goodness for the vets at ivconnections.com for talking me down from the ledge.)

I kept repeating today that infertility has ruined my life - every single aspect of my life that means anything to me at all (there's nothing sacred to IF), even the things that don't appear to be IF-related - and I am getting less sleep than ever because all I think about is all I've lost to the evil god of involuntary childlessness. In response to this, DH said that I could do donor if I wanted, but not to expect him to be an involved parent, then. That's a huge concession already from his firm 'no donor' stance. But I said that I wanted to parent together with him, obviously, for the benefit of everyone involved. I just want donor as an absolute laaaast resort. I want it in my back pocket, to know that I have at least one option (even if it's less than ideal for us), just in case his sperm just can't do it. I need to know that this is going to end at some point. I'm hoping that he continues to think about donor to extend our family, and to maybe come to some peace about accepting it as a last resort. We would get through it together, somehow.

In the meantime, he wants to start telling people - specifically our parents, his sister, one brother, as well as my brother and sister-in-law - about our infertility. Most of them know the basics, but they still think that I'm the one with 'the problem.' He wants them to know that it's not me. He would also like to tell them about the IUI, IVF, FET, etc., and about the m/c. He's also thinking about telling everybody else we know, pretty much, about his infertility. I'm generally not in favour of this idea, for many many many reasons. So I asked him if it would take some pressure off of him and/or if it would make him feel more supported. He said yes. So I'm thinking about it, and I'll probably agree to it, as long as he makes them all understand that they can NEVER talk to me about it (and I know he would, anyway).

I appreciate the fact that he wants to take the pressure of being 'the infertile one' (gag me -that sounds awful) away from me. And that's a big man, imho.