jealousy

Did you all hear about the American lady who just gave birth to octuplets? (I saw it on a TV news broadcast, and when the anchor said, "She was more than likely using fertility drugs," I said, "No shit, Sherlock.") Anyway, I am jealous!!! How come she gets EIGHT and I can't even have ONE!!!???

Jealousy is such a strange feeling for me. I am not a jealous person, and never have been. When I was a child - in my overprescriptive, hyper-conservative, panopticon-style community - we were warned regularly not to be envious of our 'neighbours,' and I never understood this constant injunction, since I rarely felt that way. (Didn't make me a better person, necessarily - that's just the way I am.)

During my first 5 or 6 years of trying to conceive a baby, I was hardly ever envious of other people's pregnancies and children; not even on chat sites like SoulCysters, when everyone would eventually get knocked up except for me and usually 1 or 2 other women. I was happy for the newly pregnant women. (I must add that it's uncouth in most online infertility forums to admit feelings of 'coveting-what-thy-neighbour-has,' anyway, since all female infertiles are supposed to be one big happy 'family.' That's an illusion, but it takes vet status to realize that things aren't what they seemed.)

Around a year ago, though, I started to feel wistful about pregnancy announcements, and it took me a few days to come around to feeling happy for expectant moms. But I'd get there.

Then, after my post-IVF miscarriage in early October, I realized that I could not feel glad for any pregnant women (unless they had been through similar circumstances that I've had - years and years of heartache). I am so jealous I can hardly stand it. It's a new feeling for me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. (This is partly how I realized that I had achieved vet status, unfortunately.) My feelings will be a problem when we fly home next month, since I'll be inundated with babies and toddlers who look like my DH, and no graceful way to bow out of holding them and playing with them. I'm thinking that we'll have to start telling people about what's truly been going on with us.

Anyway, I am off to TO tomorrow for more bloodwork, and for a lunch meeting with my thesis advisor. And I started Provera today, since I'm on CD22 and have had no ovulation signs yet. I'm scared that the IVF has permanently screwed up my one semi-functional ovary.