resolve

Ok, this is what I CAN do, in no particular order:

1) Get going on my thesis. I did a lot of backsliding since September, since all the grief has gotten to me, and I'm really behind, but I will get back on track. I WILL I WILL I WILL. Most of the thesis's structure is already arranged, and I've done 70% of the research and at least 60% of the writing. I got back on the bandwagon yesterday, and made a FIRM schedule for what I'll do at what point, and I WILL stick to it. I must finish the initial draft by the end of June, at least. If I must, I will send DH back home ahead of me to find a job and an apartment, and I'll join him when I can. He will not like this idea, so I'd better start talking to him about it now.

2) I will find a job back home for September. And no worries if I don't - I can substitute teach full time, which sucks, but I'll get over it. (At least, since I wouldn't be on contract, I could take off to cycle, if it works out that way.)

3) If we don't get an IVF cycle in by the summer, I will take a deep breath. I will cry and kick and scream. And then I will schedule it for the following summer (2010), and fly out to do it after I've had all of July to de-stress from the school year. I'll be going on 32 at that point, but that's still not 35, when IVF success rates start to plummet. I'll make it there, somehow.

4) Will keep screaming at God, just to keep communication lines open. I read a novel, called Our Lady of the Lost and Found, which assured me that this is ok.

5) Must also keep talking to DH, even though this infertility stuff is killing us.

6) I will hopefully get a sleep study done soon, so that I can get some help with my chronic insomnia.

7) Will force myself to be at least somewhat normal in my relationships with my family and friends IRL (in real life). That means phoning my parents, my brother, and my BFF this weekend, even though I don't want to. I will phone them on Sunday, when DH is playing hockey. I will also send e-mails to my other friends who haven't heard from me in ages.

Ok, that's the plan, for now. These things are all do-able, but I have to do them slowly, and remind myself that I don't have to take everything on at once.

I have to remember, too, that even if I'm not done my thesis on time (which is my biggest worry, since it would screw up the timing for everything), I can still move back home when I need to, since I've finished the residency requirement; I'd just have to fly back here in fall to defend it. It'd be a bugger to get books and journal articles, but hopefully I won't need anything new by then, if I do, I'll just buy it on-line and get it shipped to my home. And I wouldn't be able to meet with my advisor, but the phone and e-mail will do.

I need to find more things to calm me down, especially before I go to bed. The hour before I should go to sleep is when my anxieties surface; I've always been this way. So today I resumed going to the gym - I stopped early last month because of the FET - and that should help tire me out. Writing on this blog helps me down from the ledge. What else? I can't read, since then I'd never even go to bed. Maybe I'll pick up some lavender oil - I hate the smell, but it does seem to slow my heartrate down. Any other ideas? I can't keep relying on Ativan/Gravol, since the efficacy wears off if I take it too often. And I guess I should take up yoga again, especially the meditative aspect of it. I wish I felt like having sex; that would help. Only I definitely don't feel sexy these days. Although DH assures me that he thinks I'm as hot as ever. lol