Official BFN

Clinic confirmed negative beta. Will wait for af, and then start stims again. I went to bed, then got up, took Vicodin, and asked DH to take me shopping. I needed a new bra - badly - and so that distracted me somewhat. I can't believe how ancient I feel - my joints are aching, and I'm so tired. I'm gonna take a sleeping pill tonight, as soon as the Canada-Russia hockey game is over.

If this next IVF/ICSI/AH doesn't work, we're switching to a clinic that deals more specifically with male factor (and that believes in auto-immune issues, just in case that happens to be a problem, too - we don't know because we've never been able to get that far). By that time, we will likely be out of this province, and I'll be teaching again, so I guess we'd have to wait until July of 2010 for the next cycle. Maybe I should get the clinic referral started, just in case. Am thinking of going to Dr Virro in Mississauga, and he's apparently got a long waitlist.

DH and I are having major problems over this, and we're talking about separating if nothing ever works. I can't cope with all of this disappointment for the rest of my reproductive years, and he can't cope with the idea of donor. (Thank goodness for the vets at ivconnections.com for talking me down from the ledge.)

I kept repeating today that infertility has ruined my life - every single aspect of my life that means anything to me at all (there's nothing sacred to IF), even the things that don't appear to be IF-related - and I am getting less sleep than ever because all I think about is all I've lost to the evil god of involuntary childlessness. In response to this, DH said that I could do donor if I wanted, but not to expect him to be an involved parent, then. That's a huge concession already from his firm 'no donor' stance. But I said that I wanted to parent together with him, obviously, for the benefit of everyone involved. I just want donor as an absolute laaaast resort. I want it in my back pocket, to know that I have at least one option (even if it's less than ideal for us), just in case his sperm just can't do it. I need to know that this is going to end at some point. I'm hoping that he continues to think about donor to extend our family, and to maybe come to some peace about accepting it as a last resort. We would get through it together, somehow.

In the meantime, he wants to start telling people - specifically our parents, his sister, one brother, as well as my brother and sister-in-law - about our infertility. Most of them know the basics, but they still think that I'm the one with 'the problem.' He wants them to know that it's not me. He would also like to tell them about the IUI, IVF, FET, etc., and about the m/c. He's also thinking about telling everybody else we know, pretty much, about his infertility. I'm generally not in favour of this idea, for many many many reasons. So I asked him if it would take some pressure off of him and/or if it would make him feel more supported. He said yes. So I'm thinking about it, and I'll probably agree to it, as long as he makes them all understand that they can NEVER talk to me about it (and I know he would, anyway).

I appreciate the fact that he wants to take the pressure of being 'the infertile one' (gag me -that sounds awful) away from me. And that's a big man, imho.