Deed is done. Have officially requested the transfer of our IF medical records to Hannam in Toronto.

Saw a wonderful gp at a walk-in clinic, who faxed the referral ASAP to Hannam. She also provided a referral to a sleep disorder clinic - for a formal sleep study - which I have needed for years. (I have racing thoughts, bruxism, dream disorders, etc., etc. Have always been that way. Sleep is a precious commodity in my world.)

Spoke to an administrator at Hannam about possible sperm tests to be ordered. She said that Hannam often orders those tests (e.g., SCSA). And, she said that I could expect patient intake within 30 days (which is no small miracle in Canada). Via e-mail, a nurse said that she could set up an appointment for me already, if I wanted.

Af arrived. I was in Starbucks, 2 miles from home. Wearing a thong, and no supplies in my bag. No advance spotting: just a whoooosh. WTF. Only 2 days after withdrawing from the meds. The nurse said it would take at least 6 days. And it's no painless af like last time - every part of my body hurts, even my teeth. Maybe that's the grief talking. I guess this sounds dumb, but every time I'm in the bathroom, it feels like a funeral, and I wonder at what point the embryo will leave my body, or whether it's been absorbed into my own.

I can see in DH's eyes that he's riding out the storm. His impression is that an unwanted childfree life will be hard for me to take at first, but that I'll get used to it, and that I'll go back to being my old self. Little does he know. He just doesn't get it.