i hope we didn't jinx ourselves

Bloated. Constipated. So sick this morning. Woozy feeling in the head.

I'm on Percocet now. It's all good. It's not Swine Flu; rather, as WiseGuy aptly pointed out to me, it's No-Wine Flu. True, true! Meanwhile, DH is busy with beer and everything else I wouldn't let him have for the last 3 months! At least, that's what he says, anyway. (It's a 2 beers/week habit. Oooooh, bad boy. lol)

______________________________________

DH and I had an interesting exchange about the possibility of leftover embies. Having extra embies is obviously not something we're counting on - it's a ridiculously unthinkable luxury to us - but the discussion had to be had again. Because you never know.

(Remember that DH was always in favour of discarding extras, while I wanted to donate. And we'd hoped for at least one child, but in the best-case scenario, we'd love to have 2 or 3.)

DH walks in the door from work.

OHW: Hi Honey! Only one died! We still have 15!

DH: Wow. [He gives me a big hug and takes a deep breath.] What are we gonna do with them all? I guess we might end up with lots of kids?

OHW: I don't know. Lots of them will probably die before transfer, anyway. But if not ... I don't want to lose any of them.

DH: I don't want to get rid of any, either. [He says sadly.] I thought if we had extra we should give them to this couple I know, but their lives are so different from ours, and they do drugs so often.

OHW: Yeah, I hear ya. It would be nice to give them to people we know really well, so they can grow up in their own culture and stuff. We could see how they're doing and know that they're ok.

DH: Yeah.

OHW: Maybe if my brother and SIL have problems, we could donate to them?

DH: I think so.

Wow. At least the possibility of donation isn't anathema to him anymore. I never pressured him on this at all; I felt we both had to be in agreement to donate. So this is good. I feel that if (ha!) we do end up in that situation, and we're still on the same page, opportunities will present themselves to us.

But I'm jumping waaaaaaaaay ahead of myself. Let's just see if we make it to the five-day transfer with anything. I just warned DH about the 'normal' rate of attrition, so he wouldn't be in shock if/when half of them suddenly conk out.

THANK YOU for all the prayers, good vibes, and well wishes - I appreciate them more than you'll ever know.

embie report

1 arrested overnight.

15 are fine and developing well.

Tomorrow's Day 3: The Big Day. If the male factor is going to rear its ugly head, we'll begin to find out tomorrow morning.

waiting

More hurry up and wait.

Waiting to see how many embies made it through the night. It's weird to think of myself as a parent to embie-babies again. I feel as though I need to mosey over to the clinic to check on them or something. In the conservative area I'm from, people believe that life begins at conception; in that case, DH and I have more 'kids' than anyone we know.

I'm coming down with the flu or something: have got a fever and feel weird, plus tummy hurts. Pee, waistline, and weight are all normal, though. Is this OHSS? Infection? Swine flu? lol Will ask the nurse if I should head to a walk-in clinic.

This is how DH told a co-worker yesterday about the fertilization report. Co-worker is very empathetic: though he and his wife never did IVF, they did do years of diagnostic tests and drugs before conceiving their only child.

DH: My wife and I are trying IVF again.
Co-worker: Oh. So that was your wife who called just now?
DH: Yep. We've got 16 embryos.
Co-worker: What does that mean?
DH: I have a football team.
Co-worker. Ah, cool.

No emotional drama. No beating of the breast. Just the facts. lol

fertilization report

I am going to cry.

20 eggs were mature.

16 fertilized.

I am really crying now.

waiting

Waiting to hear how many eggs were mature, and how many subsequently decided to jam with the sperm.

For our first IVF, only 5 fertilized out of 11. My current nightmare: zero fertilization.

Am measuring my pee, and finding it inconvenient, yet hilarious. DH really does not want me to use the glass measuring cup, but I am not buying a separate item for this task; I wash the cup with soap and hot water, and all is well. How will I measure my pee when I have to go out for extended periods of time? I dunno.

Waistline is fine. I also weighed myself, and my poundage is exactly the same as always. Good signs.

Am sore, but it's better than yesterday, when I couldn't walk upright and felt like a Neanderthal.

Slept 8 hours last night, plus yesterday I had 1 afternoon nap and 1 evening nap. Feels so good to catch up on the zzzzzz.

sorry, long post - this was a soap opera day

Thanks for all the congrats, people.

I just had the best nap ever, so now I feel complete. lol

But seriously, I am bloated, constipated, swollen, and doubled over in pain ... and I don't think I could be more thankful about it. I also have Percocet in my possession, which is a good thing!

We got to the clinic 90 minutes early, so I thought we should walk around, since my back was hurting anyway, and DH needed to find a bank machine. I was hobbling, since my tummy started aching. Finally I realized that that wasn't going to work, so I made DH eat breakfast, and then we got to Lifequest. I felt as though I had both af and the flu, plus ovaries the size of basketballs, and was horribly uncomfortable.

They took me in to the back and got me settled on a recliner. The nurse had trouble inserting the IV; apparently I don't have veins in my arms, hence my Mutant status (right, Turtles?).

DH came to join me then, and he read jokes to me from Reader's Digest.

After half an hour, I started feeling even more poorly. I stood up and leaned my head on the table and forced out the words for DH to get a nurse. I felt as though my head was getting shut off from the rest of the world. I was burning up and dizzy, my abdomen was exploding, and thought I would throw up. Thought, "Feel like I'm dying; good thing I'm surrounded by medical personnel."

Dr H and nurses came running, and I couldn't respond to anything they were saying. I remember Dr H half-carrying me to the procedure room and saying repeatedly that I couldn't go to sleep. There, the doc and the nurses got me onto the table so that my head was positioned lower than the rest of my body, and then they put sugar water and anti-nausea meds into my IV. Everyone kept trying to wake me up, since I wasn't responding to them, though I could hear everything they were saying. After a while, I rejoined the land of the living.

I wasn't even medicated yet at that point! I don't know what happened, and neither did the medical team. It was scary. I turned bright white, apparently, and one of the nurses said to me later, "Seriously, I couldn't even see your nose; there was no colour on you anywhere."

So then the retrieval began. I was in monster pain the whole time; I had been assured by everyone ahead of time that I'd be fine, but I knew from the last ER that the sedation does not stop me from feeling what's being done internally. So I - and I don't remember half of this - cringed, bucked around, said "F*#$" repeatedly, and turned DH's hand purple from clutching it. And the nurse told me later that they were all at a loss for what to do about the painkillers, since I clearly needed more, but then I would've passed out, which they didn't want. So I soldiered on. Dr H wanted to stop the retrieval after a while, but I said no way - knowing my luck, that last two or three eggs would've been the only normal ones out of the batch. So he continued.

Finally we were all done. I thought I heard that 17 had been retrieved, but DH says it was 21. Dr H rubbed my shoulder, and I told them - in the spirit of being overdrugged - that I really loved him and Dr Perry, and that they made this process all bearable, and that I trusted them. haha That is the kind of drunk I am. Very loving. lol But I did mean what I was saying.

They brought me back to the recliner for a snooze while DH went to the Room O' Porn to do his business, which 'got off' (haha) without a hitch. And DH's sample was deemed 'good' for his situation: not good enough for plain IVF, but good enough for ICSI. I don't know if this judgement was passed before- or after-wash. I don't think DH realized this, but his overall number dropped again from the last sample: from 35 million to 4.5 million. I realize that sperm counts fluctuate, but he's been on an organic diet, with Dr H's recommended antioxidant vitamins, plus more exercise; and he hasn't been ill or in a hot tub or anything like that. I am wondering what is going on. Anyway, his motility was ultra-low, as usual, and we ended up leaving before the morphology was announced.

I stopped dozing in the recliner, since I stopped breathing every time I fell asleep. Made me nervous. I ate and drank right away, even though I wasn't supposed to, because I was dying of hunger and thirst.

The IVF nurse stopped by to give me my instructions, and to say that I had to also measure my fluid intake and my pee every day until further notice. DH mentioned to her as a joke his annoyance with me because I wouldn't go golfing with him, despite her saying it was ok, and she said, "No way, I didn't say that. She cannot make that twisting motion with her torso." He said, "Oh yes, I heard you say it was ok. So I'm taking her golfing tomorrow." She shot him the dirtiest look ever, and he howled, so she started laughing then, too. She's cool.

Was nauseous again later when I attempted to use the bathroom and get dressed - I got up too fast, I guess - so the nurse brought me down to the building's lobby in a wheelchair.

Yeah, drama queen, that's me. *Rolls eyes* Apparently the other woman having ER today had no problems and no pain at all. Though her partner fainted. Which isn't funny, but I still laughed. lol

I start Prometrium tomorrow (3x/day) and Estrace (2x/day).

And wait for the call tomorrow afternoon to say how many eggs fertilized.

DH wishes for me to tell you all that he likes this clinic, the Hannam Fertility Centre, because he was allowed to go in to the egg retrieval. He said he appreciated being able to stay with me, since he wasn't permitted to do so during the first IVF. He likes the doctors, and he says he recommends this place to other IF-ers. He also wants me to say that one of the nurses commented that he was the BEST partner, especially since he was trying to make me laugh in the ER room, and because he peeled my orange for me. He is wondering why he doesn't get a trophy. lol

So that's it for now. Back to my salty programming and dumping pee in a glass measuring cup.

Egg retrieval

I'm home, and about to sleep. Will write more later. For now, apparently Dr H retrieved 21 eggs.

egg retrieval

Nervous.

My first egg retrieval was some of the worst pain ever. I felt everything through the sedation. The nurses had to hold me down, and then I vaguely recall being propped up near the end because my ovaries were giving the doctor trouble. Finally - after they kept increasing the meds - I passed out.

Please don't get me wrong, though - I am not complaining. I'm thrilled to be in this position, so lucky.

And to change the subject, I'm off to self-administer the enema. Wish me luck. ;) lol

update

Just bloodwork this morning. I've got at least 20 follicles over 1.6 cm, though some are for sure overcooked; the nurse said it was possible that the tech missed a few, too, since there are so many. My abdomen is really uncomfortable, and I have to walk slowly, but I don't mind at all.

Had acupuncture - gooooood.

So tonight I am supposed to take an enema (ewwww!) - even though I am very regular in that department - so that the bowel doesn't obstruct the ovaries.

Emotionally, I've felt considerably removed from all of this. Hence the short updates, I guess. I can't let my heart get too invested in this.

Thank you for all the well wishes.

update *updated*

Am waiting for the nurse to call, but we're pretty sure that I'm triggering tonight.

*Update: I am indeed triggering tonight, at 10 p.m. Last Lupron injection is at 6. So retrieval is scheduled for 10 a.m. on Tuesday.*

Estrogen is zooming, and follies are growing on their own with no meds.

I've been moved from OHSS protocol 'lite' to The Full Monty: weighing and measuring myself, no caffeine anything, etc. And warned that transfer, if we make it that far, won't happen if any fluid is found in my abdomen.

My estrogen went over 15,000 last time, and I was ok, so I think I'll be fine; but even so, I'm being very cautious. Bottoms up on the V-8 juice!

Asked DH if he was being a brat (and not coming with me for monitoring this weekend) because he's nervous about the sample on Tuesday; he said yes in a very small voice.

E2

Some people have asked about my E2 level. Especially for Americans, mine seems very high, but it's because Canada has a different measuring system for it: here, E2 levels are measured in picomols and in the US E2 levels are measured in picograms. My American level would be around 3650.

Ok, off to monitoring.

update

Estrogen jumped to 13,700, so I'm coasting tonight, and will trigger tomorrow (we're probably going to sacrifice a few of the bigger follies for the bulk of the smaller ones). Back for more monitoring in the morning. Ovaries are heavy again, and still sprouting. As a joke, Dr P at the clinic interrupted my u/s to ask the lab tech if she needed coffee or an intermission or something. lol

Was nice to have spicy-apple-chai-something tea (very tasty) at Starbucks afterward with Kate. :) If you've got any words of experience/comfort for her re: dipping estrogen levels, please visit her over here - that would be great.

Then went browsing around at H & M and Chapters, but didn't buy anything. It was relaxing.

Tongue is dried out from all the salt, and I haven't even had that much today!

DH is picking a silly fight with me over nothing - I don't know what his problem is - so I think I'll go for a walk.

typo in last post

Estrogen is 8,400, not 5,400.

update

4 a.m. - I woke up to two little electrical explosions in my ovaries, one on each side.

Got up at 5:30, and noticed:
- no ewcm - all dried up
- no ovarian pain - couldn't feel anything
- sore bbs - even my armpits hurt

What does that spell in TTC-land?

So I panicked, and DH ended up missing work to take me to the clinic. (I had monitoring, anyway, but DH came because he freaked, too.)

I couldn't feel the dildo cam poking around, really, and normally that isn't a pleasant feeling. But ... the u/s lady said all looked well, and the nurse confirmed it. 30+ follies - she's estimating that we'll get at least 20 eggs, though we don't know, of course, how many will be mature, or what the quality will be like.

*Massive sigh of relief*

IVF is such a mind-f*#&. I know my body so well, and it doesn't lead me astray. My body tells me how to make decisions, when to phone somebody, when to go for a walk (so that along the way I get a great idea), when I'm going to get sick, when I ovulate, and even when I was going to miscarry. So it pisses me off that I misread my cues.

Anyway, I'll get over it.

I'm cautiously thrilled. This cycle is going too well. I'm not used to TTC things going according to plan. We're still on schedule to do the retrieval on Tuesday.

The nurse found it odd that I felt fine, since they're worried about hyperstimming, so I've been placed on the OHSS protocol: lots of salt, measured fluid intake, etc. I am not a big salt fan, but I'll do whatever I have to do, obviously. I'll load up on V-8 juice.

More monitoring tomorrow, since my estrogen skipped up to 5,400.

Also, I went for acupuncture today at a new place. (I'm going to go again Monday, and then either the day before transfer, or ET day itself - the nurse thought acu was a good idea.) I love acu. Dozed off for at least 15-20 minutes, after my body fought it for a while (I have a sleep disorder, so I always get the shakes before I finally fall asleep), and that was lovely! The doctor missed removing one needle, though, and so I yelped when I dropped my heavy skirt over it! Youchie!

Thank you so much for the sweet and helpful comments, everybody.

xxx

Time for a cliche

Things are going too well. I am not used to this. When will the other shoe drop?

Am praying for my IVF (and other TTC) ladies out there - we've got to be the toughest creatures in the world.

update

Left ovary: 10 follies
Right ovary: 5 follies
(Plus a million smaller ones)
Estrogen: 5200

The nurse told me, before the estrogen result came in, that they were a little worried about me hyperstimming. However, she also said that the doctor is reluctant to lower the dose because - since it's so low to begin with (125 units) - I'd run the risk of losing all the follicles. I've never heard of this before, so that's interesting, and I very much hope that this does not happen to me.

But anyway, the estrogen came back great, so I'm staying on 125 units, and I'm back for more monitoring tomorrow.

Am feeling as though I'm carrying rocks around in my lower abdomen. The nurse was worried about my comfort level, but I don't care at all: I just want to get pregnant.

Have gotten lots of revisions done on my thesis. I love ovulating, not only for the potential of life (at least very theoretically, in my case), but because I'm hyper-creative during this time. My writing during the past few days has been terrific.

update

Ok, a productive day!

I got to meet Kate at the clinic, which was cool! I'm so used to being 'head-down' at these IF clinics - I never see anyone chatting - so that was nice. :)

Results:
Left ovary: 9 follies
Right ovary: 4 follies
*Plus 5 billion smaller follicles, and that is a conservative estimate - yikes. Biggest follies are at 14 mm.
Endometrial lining: I forgot to ask
Estrogen: 3400

So I stay on the same dose of Puregon, and I go back tomorrow.

symptom update

Ewcm started today, and boy can I ever feel the exact location of my ovaries. I don't think I'll be stimming the 12 days for which Dr H was planning. I pray that the quality of my eggs isn't affected by this: I am praying for 8-12 healthy and normal eggs ... please please please.

Lupron's giving me mild headaches off and on, as well as hot flashes, but none of it is anything intolerable. If that's a sign of what menopause will be like, I'll take it!

I think today I finished writing the first draft of my thesis, so I'm in a state of shock. I still have a lot of research and revising to do, but that's peanuts compared to what I've done so far. DH is going to be so happy with me. :) My advisor is going to be shocked: she is under the impression that I've done only a few chapters. What can I say?: I work well unsupervised. lol But I need her honest and brilliant feedback so I can continue to improve what I've done.

Am getting excited about my new job, and have already started planning. That's a good sign. My mentor is going to work with me in my classroom, and that will help so much.

Overall, a good day!

small-ish update *updated again*

There was a reason I was feeling my ovaries. 35+ follies are waiting to make an appearance. The nurse said it's too soon to tell how many will start popping up. So I'm waiting for the call re: my estrogen.

**Update: The nurse said that my estrogen is 1100, so I'm staying on the same dose of Puregon and going in for monitoring on Wednesday.

Didn't sleep one iota last night, plus had to walk around wet and windy Toronto with a broken umbrella and springy hair. I must have looked ludicrous!

Looks as though you're reading words from a high school English teacher.

If the IVF works, I'll be in the position of working full-time until January, but getting paid part-time. The job isn't full-time over the course of the year: it's a full load until January, and then moves to a 3/4 load. But the pay is averaged out. So I have to phone a lawyer at our teachers' society to ask for advice on that.

DH has likely found work: setting up a company with a handful of other guys. Odds are that they'll make a killing, but he and I wouldn't see each other much for the first few years, since he'd be running around for his work. He'll be very good at it, but I worry that he won't have enough time for his hobbies. But that will all work itself out, I guess.

My thesis isn't as bad as I was making it out to be. In terms of my current field, Education, what I'm doing is cutting-edge and even avant-garde. But I'm borrowing a lot of things from the arts and humanities, especially English, and I know that people in English would view my work very negatively, including saying that it's not original enough. I guess I still want to measure up in the English department, but I don't.

Thanks for all the encouraging comments. You did all make me feel a bit better.

Am definitely feeling my ovaries. I go in for monitoring tomorrow. I don't have any expectations. If anything, I'm guessing that because of the conservative dose, I'll have only a few follies, and we'll have to cancel and start over again.

Blegh.

general crap news (except for the IVF front - so far, at least)

{Deleted info.] Anyway, regarding said now-destined-to-fail IVF: that news was good. My antral follicle count was 20, which was basically the same as last time, and my hormone levels were perfect. That is something to be grateful for, and I am. Did the first Puregon injection tonight - 125 units. Going in Monday morning to see what's shaking.

Need to find an acupuncturist for ER. Must also remember to stop taking coenzyme q-10 after retrieval.

Wish there were some way we could monitor the sperm situation, too. DH has been on the RE-recommended vitamins for almost three months now, plus he's taking pycnogenol and fish oil capsules (certified mercury-free). And eating mostly organic foods, and exercising a lot more.

It is too much to hope for to get a baby out of all of this. (And then, as a bonus, to say sayonara to high school after Christmas.)

Please don't say: be optimistic, think positive, at least you got a job, at least you have good hormones, keep a stiff upper lip. I can't handle hearing that right now.

money

Holy cow. I haven't really been keeping track of my drug receipts for the last year, but I just realized that the 12-month deadline is approaching, so I have to submit them to insurance if I want to get some coin back.

So, minus all the Puregon (which is not covered, sadly), I have $1200 worth of receipts, from such nonsense as Metformin and Crinone! Wow! And I am supposed to get 80% of it back - nice!

That'll pay ... hm ... almost 10% of the RE bill for this cycle.

Well, every penny counts.

In the meantime, I am anxious about tomorrow. First, I have my baseline, so I'll find out if I'm cleared to stim and how high the dose will be (and then starting injecting that night). Second, I will likely find out if I got The Job. Yikes!

u must c this!

Have you seen the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle on the TV show Britain's Got Talent?

Susan is 47 years old, unemployed, and has never been kissed. She's also charming and cheeky, and her song - Fantine's 'I Dreamed a Dream,' from Les Miserables - will break your heart. It made me cry, honestly. I made DH watch it, too, and we both sat on the couch, just amazed.

Please listen to it - if you're impatient (like me), just have it on in the background while you're doing other work.

And here are the lyrics:

I Dreamed a Dream

There was a time when men were kind,
and their voices were soft,
and their words inviting.

There was a time when love was blind,
and the world was a song,
and the song was exciting.

There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
when hope was high and life
worth living.

I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
and dreams were made and used and wasted.

There was no ransom to be paid,
no song unsung,
no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
with their voices soft as thunder,
as they tear your hope apart,
and they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
he filled my days with endless wonder...

He took my childhood in his stride,
but he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
that we will live the years together,
but there are dreams that cannot be,
and there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell I'm living,
so different now from what it seemed...

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

lupron and easter bunnies

Am finding the Lupron not too bad so far, except that it seems to have made AF a drippy mess. lol

I have had a few hot flashes, but nothing unmanageable, and occasionally the feeling of an impending headache. Didn't get that on Suprefact.

And my bbs still hurt, but whatever - they always do with cycling.

Does this mean that real menopause won't be too bad? Hm.

_____________________________________________

Here is a game from The Angry Infertile. You have to guide the sperm up the female plumbing to meet the Golden Eggie (well, said egg appears as a sun, for whatever reason).

DH saw what I was doing and wrested control over the laptop. This is what ensued:



DH: What's this?



Me: A game.



DH: I'm playing this.



Me: All right. Art imitating life, and all that jazz.



DH: What? This game is dumb. I'm gonna win.



[Plays game, keeps getting killed by leukocytes and hostile cervical mucous. Becomes increasingly frustrated. I laugh about art imitating life. Finally DH wins. Joyfully, I think, "Please! Let life imitate art!" An embryo forms, then it becomes a fetus, and just before it clearly becomes a baby...]



DH: Ooh, I hope it's an Easter bunny.

male factor news

Seems that sperm have to 'get in the mood' for fertilization. Is this maybe the reason (or one of them, anyway), for our fertilization failure?

(And why is it always women who get blamed for 'not being in the mood' for dtd? I always thought it was the other way around!)

EXCERPT: [S]perm cannot fertilize an egg immediately after entering the female reproductive tract. Sperm must acquire this ability after undergoing an activation process called "capacitation." Scientists have known for years that this process involves phosphorylation. That common biological modification causes cellular activities to be turned "on" by the addition of phosphate molecules to certain amino acids within proteins. However, the specific biochemical details have been a deep mystery.

Using laboratory mice, the researchers compared the extent of phosphorylation in both capacitated and noncapacitated sperm samples. They identified 44 peptides exhibiting differential phosphorylation, on 59 specific amino acids, suggesting that modification of these particular sites is essential for the capacitation process. The relative ratio of phosphorylation between the capacitated and noncapacitated samples were also reported, providing the first biochemical description of what puts sperm "in the mood."

Source: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/145900.php

job update

Thanks for all the well wishes, everybody.

Interview was good, I think. Went on for 45 minutes, I think. It would've been even better in person - I interview well face-to-face - but c'est la vie.

They'll phone me within a week to say if I got one of the 3 or so available positions. I reallyyyyyyyyy want to be back at my last school.

This is going to be the most nervewracking 4 weeks ever. My whole future - or at least the next significant chunk of it - is on the table and will be mostly decided within the next month:

1) whether or not we're moving;
2) if yes to #1, we have to decide where it'll be (and start looking for a house);
3) whether or not I'll have a job in September, and what it'll be;
4) if yes to #1, DH must resign and then find a new job;
5) get my rough draft done on my thesis (I'm up to 72 out of 90 pages);
6) start packing; and
7) go through stims, endure egg retrieval, find out how many are mature, find out if DH has any normal sperm, find out if any eggs fertilize, find out how many embies don't die, see if we make it to transfer, if yes then wait an agonizing two weeks for the test, find out whether or not a critter is on board (never mind whether or not it has a chance of sticking around - that would be just stress overload for later).

Stress much? *Nods emphatically*

Actually, surprisingly, I don't feel too bad. Yet.

More potential stress: if the IVF works, and if worst came to worst (this is DH's version of the 'worst') in that DH can't find work (this would be less than ideal, actually, as our savings are depleted and I don't think I'd qualify for maternity leave benefits), I asked DH if he would consider being a SAHD, while I'd go back to work. Obviously this would be less than ideal for me in a million ways - and I am aware of the odds of c-section recovery, ppd, hormonal outrage, misery from being away from baby, plus what would happen with bf'ing, etc. - but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Money's gotta come from somewhere.

I must sound crazy for bringing this up, I realize, but traditionally in my culture, women didn't stop what they were doing after they had a baby. They do now - in my parents' generation, it became 'normal' to be a SAHM - but my grandmothers and great-grandmothers certainly didn't: they had farms and businesses to run. Also, one of DH's brothers has been a SAHD for one of his babies, and was very good at it; SIL (who is an amazing mother) was recovering from IF-related stuff, including ppd, and really needed to be out of the house. And it all worked for them.

All the same, though, the SAHM notion has become a 'normalized' thing very quickly in my culture - as though it's always been this way, even though it hasn't, even in the rest of the world - and I laugh at thinking DH and I would never ever hear the end of it. So many people would be so furious with me.

Please, no comments about how naive I sound (and don't even think it! lol). I am not completely unaware of what newborns are like - I have experience. And yes, I know it's still not the same as having 'my own,' since I don't know what it feels like to have just given birth, but whatever. If one of us needs work, what can we do?

I don't WANT to have to return to work a few months after (very hypothetically) giving birth - especially not if that were my one and only chance to have a newborn - but if I have to, so be it.

(DH said yes to being a SAHD, btw. He'd be good at it - he is a nurturing soul.)

job interview...

... is in 25 minutes.

Should be good.

Fuelled by Lupron, bcp residue, and AF! And IVF jitters. And thesis frets. And no caffeine in 2 weeks! How could it be anything but good?

Hurray!

AF

Af just arrived.

Was not expecting her at the moment. And so she trashed my favourite underwear and my jeans. (And I own only 2 pairs of jeans to begin with. *Sigh*) First time that's ever happened.

Groan, groan.

The picture to the left annoys me; I don't even know why I put it up there.

Grumble, grumble.

Anyway, job interview in an hour and 20 minutes. Must stay cool and collected. Must also ensure that my phone battery is charged!

Wish me luck!

change is a-comin'

Just changed the layout (duh). Was time for a change.

Lost a few of my features, though (e.g., my TTC dictionary and my TTC c.v.), but I saved a backup of the original layout. Just have to painstakingly copy and paste them back here - will do in the next few days.

Hope you enjoy!

something to piss us all off

You know the Duggars?

(You already know what I'm going to say, right?)

Well, it's not Michelle. It's the son and daughter-in-law.

They've been married for all of six months. She's been pregnant for all of SIX weeks (oh, the audacity to announce pregnancy so early! - the certainty!).

On the TV preview, the daughter-in-law expresses her sadness over not getting pregnant right away, and that she couldn't stand to look at the most recent pregnancy test for fear of "more disappointment."

Blah! Boo!

I do watch that TV show - I find the family amusing, plus their lifestyle never seemed that outlandish to me, since I grew up in a similar mindset - but I guess I won't anymore. For whatever reason, the Michelle and Jim Bob hyper-fertility thing never really got to me, but this does.

job

Got a job interview for tomorrow. It's a 2-for-1 deal, actually - 2 principals are sitting in so that the division doesn't have to interview me twice. I'm 99% sure I'll be offered one of the 2 jobs. Kinda freaky.

So: must get this thesis done now! I'm at around 65-70 pages (goal is between 80-120 pages). I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate, so I've been limiting my time online.

Just read a terrific book for my research: Life in School: What the Teacher Learned, by Jane Tompkins (a feminist literary scholar who is married to Stanley Fish - what a combination!). It's a memoir of Tompkins's time in public school and in universities, and she has a really conversational and non-elitist way of theorizing and writing about what she wishes education could look like. It's an engaging read, especially for teachers.

DH panicked last night - we have to give notice to our landlord on May 1 and get ready to move on July 1 (which is a 24 hour drive). He has to resign at work. And then he has to find a new job, and we've gotta find a new place to live (hopefully without signing a lease, since we want to buy a place within the next year). Plus there is the chance that the IVF will have worked. I'm surprisingly not that worried about these things, but DH is. So I did my best to soothe him. Poor guy. Those are a lot of changes all at once.

Good news: I finagled a script from my clinic, so I will save some money on buying Puregon. Gonna buy it from Glen Shields pharmacy in Ontario. The reason I'm giving the name is for the benefit of anyone out there who's looking for cheap IF drugs. The owner of the pharmacy did IF treaments herself, and so she charges only a 2% markup on IF drugs, and no dispensing fee. They ship drugs, too, so I hope this info can help someone who needs to save a few dimes! :)

happy easter

In the interest of IF'ers, to whom eggs are no joke (I itch to say no yolk, but I won't do it) - me included - there will be no tacky egg jokes.

Instead....

book list (further proof that i'm a nerd)

I borrowed this idea from WiseGuy for Show & Tell.
You may find the rest of the class over here!

Here are the instructions:

1) Look at the list and bold the ones you have read.
2) Add a '+' to the ones you LOVE.
3) Star/Asterisk (*) those you plan on reading.
4) Italicize those you've started but not finished.
5) Tally your total at the bottom.

I, of course, changed the original instructions, but whatever.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen +
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible +
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte +
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman *
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens +
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott +
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy +
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot *
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell +
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy *
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky *
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck *
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll +
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy *
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis +
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (This is a duplicate...) +
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne +
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez *
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins *
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery +
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel +
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon +
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez *
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck *
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov *
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac +
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie *
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville *
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens +
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker +
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett +
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce *
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath +
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray *
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro *
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert *
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery *
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams *
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (this is a repeat)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl +
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Total read = 44

Total started but not finished = 3

Total I still want to read = 17

I am the bookwormiest of bookworms, and many of my favourites don't appear here. E.g., no Toni Morrison or Carol Shields.
I find this list biased toward the western canon, so if anyone has book recommendations that are outside of the mainstream, please tell me! :)

a good Friday!

Last bcp is today! A good Friday, indeed!

Woke up at 4 a.m. with a migraine (and my neck in pain). Ouchie. This has never happened to me before. Would like to blame it on the Lupron and on the bcp, but I think it came from my neck (I have chronic soft tissue injuries from car accidents, and when the pain flares, it means insta-headache). Hell, I'll blame it on the meds anyway! Why not?!

We watched the movie Bedtime Stories yesterday, and I liked it. Some of the dialogue needed work, and the ending was weak (one of those barfy happy-family endings), but overall it was whimsical and fun. Gonna watch Slumdog Millionaire as soon as DH returns from golfing.

Happy Good Friday to everyone who celebrates it, and also Happy (belated) Passover. DH and I are going to make a turkey dinner for Sunday: homemade stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, salad, mmmm....

i painstakingly copied and pasted the thread i mentioned earlier, since that web site is going down, anyway, and i wanted to have a copy of this.

Makes me laugh every.single.time. (It's divided into 3 posts because of the length.)

I just can't decide: Mortimer and Mykkalah or Mickey and Maddysynn??!!!! hahaha

Poll Options

Naming your child with the help of IVFC? Will you take our advice?

--> Yes, I will actually name my child based on popular consensus here on these threads

--> No, I only posted this thread so I could call you out as an a-hole if you don't like my choice in names

Irnldy: Warning, Sarcastic Baby Names Poll Mtnd
Just wondering......

Amberl: not sure I should admit this I go to the name board, and vote for the name I hate.

Irnldy: LOL Amber, I don't vote anymore. I suddenly realized how silly I think it is. Even if you can't choose, would you really put it to a group of utter strangers (and possible lunatics (there I go thinking of me again) to name your hard fought for baby?

Bookworm: I sort of want to start a poll asking "Should I name my twins Mortimer and Mickey or Dweezil and Dewey? Or if they're both girls, how about Mykkalah and Maddysynn or Doris and Delphina? Or if they're b/g twins, how about Mortimer and Mykkalah, or should I go for Mickey and Maddysynn or Dweezil and Doris? (I just am not crazy about Dewey and Delphina together.)"
I swear I'd get some feedback from folks who just love the originality. That board used to be kind of neat, but it's all polls now.
Yeah, if my husband and I can't come up with good names on our own, I'll be sure to rely on total strangers' opinions. (Though I must admit, we scrambled to come up with a name for J at the last minute, and my husband finally suggested the name that we chose. It's a great name, if I do say so myself. Turns out my husband had it in mind because it was the name of a tech person at our dsl service provider whom he had spoken with earlier in the day!)

longday: Anyway, of course I rely on strangers' opinions...that's how I came up with Little Bum...I posted a poll asking if the preference was Little or Bum and somebody cleverly suggested combining the two! What a perfect idea!!! Can't believe I didn't think of it myself.

RachelK: Is there a third choice? I haven't been on that board for a long time but I liked it better the way it was before. It was interesting to see WHY people liked or disliked a certain name...who cares about numbers of people. One of my goals was to pick a name that WASN'T too trendy or popular but I didn't want to choose anything weird or ugly, either.
longday--lol. I am dying to know what name you actually did pick. I could use a good laugh.

moremuffintops: Bookworm, I really like Maddysyn but wouldnt it be better spelt Maadiscynne???
LD, I could sure do with a laugh too
I liked 'Sage' but couldnt get that past DH. I also like 'Ariel", not knowing about TLM (now DD's fave!). Luckily DH is very conservative: DD has red hair.S

[a troll intervenes on the thread; the vets fight back. same old, same old.]

part II

Bookworm: So, back to the topic at hand, do you guys prefer Galadriel and Gandalf if I have b/g twins, or Hermione and Hagrid?I'm leaning towards Hermione and Hagrid because I like Oleander and Olivier for middle names, and that would give them the initials HOT. I don't think GOT would be nice initials, do you? Though I might go a different direction entirely with Sylvania and Silesius. That would give them the initials SOT. No problem there, right? It's short and catchy.

Irnldy: Bookie I far prefer it when people come up with terrific new spellings for well ingrained old names. For instance:
Mary - well this is just staid and boring. However, a nip here, a tuck there, and we have Merreeh
Jane - aren't we all just plain tired of ol' Jane? Presto chango, we have ghaane
Alice - the looking glass is empty and tired!!! Quick fill up gives us Halyze!
Bookworm - well, lovey, time to get into the 2000's, I pronounce you vouchvoorme!!! Mazel Tov!

mercedes: Bookie, you could always use Sylvania Neptuna Oleander.... SNOT.Has a nice ring to it, no?

longday: For my 12th child, I'm going to call him/her Alex, only the A and x will be silent, so it will be pronounced "Leh".

Bookworm: Irnlady, you're a genius. Vouchvoorme and Mazeltov it is! They'll be the only twins with those names. I love originality.
Signed, Boock-Wurme
P.S., Murcky, I can't use Neptuna, as my sister-in-law has dibs on that name.
P.P.S., LD, why not go for Amelia, and pronounce it "Meh?"

part III

Mcass: Is it time to re-post my favorite website? Who posted it, Bookie?
Can't remember but I visit it everyday to get my daily chuckle:http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/

longday: Nope, that was me, me, me. Glad it gives you a laugh. I haven't been there for a while, but now I must!

Mcass: Ina: I worked with a chick who spelled her name Meri. We got in a big argument everytime I said her name and she would correct my pronounciation: "it's meri". Yeah, I would say, like my name, Mary. No, she would say and try to correct it again. Pretentious, moi? Look, I'm from Cincinnati and there we say Merry Christmas, I'm gonna get Married, and you are SUCH a Mary, all the same way. So get over yourself.
Ok, but in high school, I did legally change the spelling of my name to Mari. I went to an all-girls HS and needed to feel different. Why I couldn't just dye my hair pink, I'll never know.

longday: Ah, lmao here - here's one of his little gems..."For the last 50 years, my family has been naming their children after Southwestern Ontario cities. My brother is Barrie, my sister is Kingston, and my cousin is Markham. I am due in two weeks (it'll be a girl) and I thinking about naming her either York or Orillia. What do others think?
I think it's time for a nuclear strike against Ottawa. (Reader Tom wrote in to suggest that she branch out to include other provinces and name her after this town, the single greatest town in Newfoundland, or perhaps anywhere else. (Warning - link may not be work-safe if you work for your local parish.)" [one-hit_wonder adds: It's Dildo, Newfoundland. Seriously.]

longday: Couldn't help myself. Another gem...
"Hunter Maverick Maarten. My little boy was named after his Daddy. My husbands middle name is Martin, we just chose to spell it differently. ... I wouldn't trade my kids for nothing. God Bless You!
Alright - does it count as naming-someone-after-someone-else if the names aren't spelled the same? Not even vaguely the same? Answer: I does if you're an illiterate hillbilly! No, I wouldn't trade them for nothing. I'd trade them for a new muffler or some possom traps!"
I always had assumed that the author of this site was a guy, but it refers to "her" jaw falling off at one point. I think she's a vet.

Mcass: LD: Careful, you could be doing that all night long. The next is better than the one before. DH and I IM'd them to each other for almost 2 hours one day!

Bookworm: That website so rocks. The whole bit about the trading kids for a muffler or possum traps reminds me of a case my husband worked on many years ago (nearly 20) when he was a young lawyer. It was a sad case, a man got killed on the job because of unsafe conditions, but then it got rather farcical when three different women came forward claiming to be the widow. Turns out the deceased was in a biker gang and they shared their women around. So the "wife" with the strongest claim to the title continued with the suit while the other two faded into the background. During the trial, there was testimony that the deceased had once traded the "wife" (the one with the strongest claim) for a used motorcycle. Plaintiff's counsel objected vigorously: "Your honor, we object to that. It was a new motorcycle."

Irnldy: That's the sickest thing I have heard. Today. Truly you are a twisted soul.
Love the website, makes me feel all normal inside.
Think I should have spelled Sophie
zofee?

Josie: I think that in countries where couples are lucky enough to have access to public funding for some cycles they should feel obliged to name their b/g twins after the Prime Minister.For example that would be Helen and Clark in New Zealand, and Blair and Tony in the UK. It doesn't work so well for Australia, unless you have b/b twins, John and Howard.

Irnldy: Hmm
that means if Canada ponies up, the next two are Stephen and Harper? Even if they are girls? I wouldn't mind Harper, after all, Harper Lee wrote "To Kill a Mockingbird" and apparently she also ran with a pretty 'swell' crowd.
Mostly we have boring white men with very white names. Next time maybe one of the frenchies will win, and I can have a Jean and a Hebert. If I lived in Alberta I could name my kids King Ralph and Senor Klein
Sadly, I live in Ontario. Dalton McGuinty. YEESH.
Husband is from Quebec - Jean Charest (not so bad I guess)

Josie: I think Dubya and George will do nicely for b/g twins, but I'm guessing there isn't a chance that there will be any funding from that direction.

:(

Urgh, now we are not going to Michigan. :(

DH found a truck cap cheaper at a spot closer to home - a few hours away - so that's that. He's going to pick it up tonight.

I'm renting Rachel Getting Married, Slumdog Millionaire, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, and Bedtime Stories. And eating Indonesian rice, a mille-feuille, and strawberries. Perhaps also some kettle corn. You're all welcome to come over. There shall be wine.

But don't piss me off, or I'll squirt Lupron all over you. hahaha j/k

funny thread

This is the funniest thread on any infertility board ever (ignore the troll who pops in, though). I kept meaning to post it here, and now I'll actually do it.

ETA: Oh, sorry, it has come to my attention that you have to register on the site to see the thread. Bummer! Anyway, it's a sarcastic 'what do I name the baby' thread, and the ladies are throwing around some really outrageous names. When I read it the first time, I spat coffee all over my screen!

lupron and travel?

Wanna go to the U.S. overnight (DH has bought a second-hand truck cap - so we can go camping - that would have cost us about 80% more in Canada).

But how do I travel with Lupron? (Our motel room doesn't have a fridge.) I'm reading online that other women carry it along in a cooler with an icepack. But how do they prevent it from freezing? It shouldn't freeze if I lay a few tea towels over the icepack, right? Will it stay cool overnight?

I can't find a whole lot of info on this, and since I bought the Lupron through the clinic, I can't phone my pharmacist. (Well, I guess I could, but...) So in the meantime I've e-mailed my nurse.

Just curious to know what other people have done.

hierarchy in the vet world

A new vet posted on an IVF board that I frequent from time to time.

She said she's tired of people who think they've had it rough when they're 'only' on their second IVF.

WTH? So I don't count? I've been at this for seven years. It has taken this long to get to our second IVF. It's not our fault that the medical system screwed DH and me over. And that we were living below the poverty line until four years ago or so (when we both graduated from our post-secondary programs), so we could not have afforded even Clomid.

I guess it's easy for wealthy infertile women - who also have great access to IF medical care - to slam everyone else.

And then I think: what about infertile people who don't live in the privileged western world? I've read of several countries in Africa in which infertility means something even more serious to women than it does to me, living in Canada. I mean women who can't buy Clomid, let alone IUIs and IVF. Women whose personal safety and security are at risk - and who face horrific social stigma - because they can't produce children.

But according to that new vet on that IVF board, these women would not qualify as 'vets.' Because they likely haven't done even one IVF.

I had a miscarriage - only one I know of for sure - six months ago today. Do not tell me that I shouldn't 'feel' like a vet because I've 'only' had one verified miscarriage. This is not the Pain Olympics.

The hierarchy in all of this is ridiculous.

a feminist gets (her ovaries) suppressed...

Three more bcp days left.

Start Lupron tonight. Suprefact didn't bother me last time: I didn't get hot flashes or anything. Is Lupron going to be much different?

today (warning: sel. reduction ment)

Yikes, a painful day: physically and financially.

DH and I got to Lifequest clinic, where my biopsy hadn’t been booked, for whatever reason. I said to the front desk that it was going to have to get done at the same time as the aspiration, since I wasn’t coming back to Toronto for it. And it all worked out.

So I got ready for the procedures – got DH to take a hilariously sarcastic smiley ‘thumbs-up’ picture of me in my scrubs and hairnet – and we went in. Hannam asked the nurse to check, first, if I even still needed the aspiration done.

Guess the answer.

NO.

The cyst has already burst, and is reduced in size from 7 to 2 mm. Crazy, eh? I wonder if that explains the sudden (and unusual) zit outbreak I had a week ago? (Due to fluctuating hormones? I don't know.) So that means that I ‘technically’ ovulated from that right ovary - as screwy as it was - which has thus far in my life observed a merely decorative function. It is only a VERY technical ovulation, though, since the ‘hen fruit’ inside it was already long past due, yes. But anyway, first time ever. Wow.

So that cancellation meant that I owed only $70 in room fees instead of the full $500 procedure fee. Um, good, I guess. Seventy bucks down the drain, but that’s better than $500.

Then the doc biopsied my uterus. The nurse said it would feel just like a pap smear, but she was wrong: it hurt. I'm crampy, but I'll be fine. DH was amused with my blood pressure and heartrate, since the more irritation and stress I felt, the more they dropped. It was weird. The nurse asked if I was an athlete. lol I am a gym-goer, so I guess that does help?

Anyway, afterward we had to pay the full cycle fee: $11,000. We are now officially broke. It's a bit discouraging.

And then was not impressed to learn that I have to pay for all the drugs through the clinic. I wanted to drive to Glen Shields Pharmacy for it, since they charge only a 2% markup on infertility meds – I estimated that the drugs would cost 50% less – but so much for that.

Next, had a cycle review with the IVF nurse.
- I voiced my concern about attempting the blast stage, and was reassured that that would be a joint decision and that we’d have a better idea of what to do after retrieval (which I knew, of course, but just wanted to ensure that I get the final say on when ET will be). She said, though, that Hannam is quite adamant about the five-day, to see what would happen with our embies (considering the male factor issue, since the male ‘input’ drives development after the third day). I said again that I will have the final say, and she said yes. (I'm not usually so pushy, but come on, for the amount we're paying for this...)
- Learned that the clinic uses Lupron (I used Suprefact last time) because a bunch of their patients a while back o’d through Suprefact, thereby ruining their cycles. Um, no thanks.
- I found out that my Puregon (aka: Follistim) dosage will be double-checked before I start stims, and will be bumped up if my estrogen is low. Good. Because it is a very cautious dose: only 125 units.
- Found out that my monitoring will, in fact, start on the day after the third injection (not the fifth.)
- I’ve been put on Estrace for the 2ww because the doctor wondered if my estrogen dropped too much during the last IVF 2ww (since I m/c’d through the progesterone, which apparently shouldn’t have happened - I can't even think about this).

And we got the ‘selective reduction’ talk. That’s gotta be soul-destroying. To put all this effort and money into trying to conceive just ONE baby, but then for some women to find out they’ve got 3 or more…what do you do? On SoulCysters (a web site for women with PCOS), not that long ago, I remember two cases of women who were faced with this issue (both had triplet pregnancies). One woman decided to reduce to twins, and said it was the right thing for her to do, though she wished she hadn't had to do it. Another woman was pressured by her medical team to reduce to 2; she did it against her better judgment, and was traumatized by it. These stories have stayed in my mind. DH and I have to think about it ahead of time, since we have the option of transferring three, if the embie quality isn’t superb (and this is outside of usual Canadian practice, since I’m only 30 years old, so I should only be 'allowed' to transfer one or two, but our case is wonky). But the nurse said today that, if we go with three, we have to be willing to reduce if we end up with triplets or more.

I don’t think I could reduce. I know it would be better for me and for the (very very very blindingly hypothetical) babies, but after seven years of TTC, and all the heartache, and all the money, I just don’t think I could do it. DH feels the same way. So I guess that answers that, at least for now. Hopefully we’ll have two healthy embies to transfer – that’s what we want and what we’re hoping for. (And that’s enough of a risk already, considering that they could divide to become identicals, right?)

After my m/c, I dreamed that I was having triplets. It was very vivid. I didn't know how literally to take the dream. I want it literal enough to mean that I'll have a baby, yet I'd prefer not to have three at once. lol I guess I should read it figuratively, anyway, to mean that good things in a set of three should be coming?

Last night, I was in bed, and DH knelt by my feet – he laid his head down for a long time. Said he was praying for this to work.

getting underway

Going in to the clinic tomorrow morning for my cyst aspiration, endometrial biopsy, and cycle review. And to pay all the cycling costs, including a drug deposit (whatever that is - I guess I can't buy my drugs at an outside pharmacy?). Ouch on all counts.

I have a triad of questions to ask the RE:
1) How are we going to determine whether or not to go to blast, assuming we make it that far?
2) Can we start monitoring on the third day of stims?
3) Can my hormone levels be checked during the 2ww, assuming we make it that far?

Yes, it is a Funhouse, no doubt.

Last night, I had a brief dream about myself. I saw myself walk away, through a door. I don't know why, but I looked different: darker and longer hair, and I was wearing a trenchcoat. Then my perspective changed to a side view, and I saw myself come out on the other side, where there was more light. I woke up, and though the colours in the dream were generally quite dark - like a Rembrandt painting - my feelings were good.

job

I think that this job is potentially good. (FYI: two positions are open at my school of choice, and I'm 99.9% sure that I will be offered my choice between them.)

But if the IVF works, and if I get a 'take-home' baby (terrible term, but it's true - I can't take any of this for granted), this will bungle the school's very innovative program (long story, but some staffing continuity is essential for what the school is attempting to do), as I've written earlier, because I'd be leaving after Christmas. I know I have a right to accept the position anyway, but because I'm friends with the principal and many staff members and many of the parents, I'll feel bad. That's just the way it is.

Yet, at the same time, I can't live my life according to the Big IF, right? Right.

*************

I just got some of my poetry critiqued (in person) by a well-known Canadian publisher. A great opportunity. He gave me a lot of valuable criticism, and he said that I have a strong voice, and that he liked my word choices. So I'm happy about that. I'm in the process of collating some of my poetry, and then I'm going to start sending it out again. Maybe enter a few contests, too, though the entry fee costs can add up.

*************

Only 7 more days of bcp left. Yaaaay.

job prospect

I may have a teaching position for September. In fact, I'm 99% sure I'll get it if I want it. And it's back at my old school with my dearly beloved principal.

Yikes!

This will be a truly pathetic post, so feel free to skip it.

I am such a loser. A pathetic facsimile of a sham of a person.

I am something of a poetry freak, if you couldn't tell by now. I read a lot of it. I think I am pretty decent at writing it, too. I don't post my own work here, though, because I don't want some dumb undergraduate stealing it and passing it off as her/his own.

Anyway, today I could have had dinner with one of my favourite poets, who is an uber-famous Canadian writer - I have loved his work since I was a teenager - and had drinks with him, as well, right now, as I sit typing this nonsense. But I chickened out.

I could have talked to him about my work, but didn't. He would have been happy to talk about it, I could tell.

I did force myself to meet him, at least - to tell him I was a fan - and we chatted for 5 or 10 minutes. Great guy. Terrific storyteller.

It had nothing to do with him. I'm just colossally shy, and though it's not as bad as it used to be, it kicks in from time to time. Today I knew it would happen because of my hero-worship of this poet.

I truly hate myself over this fiasco, and .... of course .... find myself relating it to the big IF. I am a failure on all fronts. At least if I can't make a baby I can make poetry, but seriously, who wants to read what I've done? I've published bits and pieces here and there, but there's been a big drought in the last 3 years. It is so hard to get published in this country, and I don't mind rejections, but at some point it would be nice to get my work out there a little bit. I don't even mean the big guns, like the journals Prairie Fire and Vallum and CV2. I don't care about making a name for myself. I just want to write and know that I'm writing for someone out there.

This probably all sounds dumb, but for me it's so upsetting. I feel that, as a writer, I came along 20 years too late. What I write (about my culture, quite often) was hot in the '80s and early '90s. If I'd been born 20-30 years earlier, I could have gone somewhere, I know it. But now, what I'm saying has already been said a dozen times. It doesn't matter that I lived through similar things as the writers who've come before me - the general reading audience has already heard it, read it, etc. What I have to say is a moot point. (I can't be more specific without essentially giving away my identity, so I apologize for wallowing in generalities here.)

It's very discouraging. Yet this guy could have offered some valuable advice. But I ran away.

Failure to create on all fronts.

Urgh, shoot me now.

I should add that I was a bit uncomfortable during the evening in general. People in eastern Canada are different than what I'm used to, so I often feel bursts of culture shock. Our respective social niceties don't always translate well back and forth. Oh well. I'm learning.

Deadline

Have been suffering from writer's block during the last 3 weeks.

Now DH and I have set a deadline for moving back home: June 30.

This means that the initial draft of my thesis must be completed by then. That gives me three months.

Deadline = good. Will help me focus.

I'll probably have to fly back here in fall to do the actual defence - I doubt my committee will want to do it in the summer - but that's ok.

Now hopefully the IVF doesn't screw this all up.

the if of IF

Am watching Jon and Kate +8. (Yeah, yeah, I know, but I can't help myself. lol)

It's a Christmas episode, so the kids are all running around and giddy, with starlit eyes.

I considered Christmas 2009, my face got warm, and I thought wistfully to myself, I wish.

I'm not actually a Christmas fan - too consumerist, too much work, too expensive, too fattening, too much everything - but it would be wonderful to be pregnant next December. I'd be around 37 weeks, I think, if the IVF works. If, if, if. My parents would be so unbelievably happy - my dad especially loves babies - and they deserve it, if nothing else, if I don't deserve it.

Enough of that: I just switched the TV to Jon Stewart. lol

________________________

DH took me to Value Village (a second-hand store) for an hour, just for kicks. I used to buy almost all of my clothing second-hand, but stopped around 10 years ago because that was when it became 'cool' to shop 'vintage.' When I was a teenager, believe me, I was the only adolescent girl I knew who thrifted, so though I was very uncool, I always found the best stuff. Now it's trendy to go thrifting, so I never find anything. But today I got a brand-new silk cocoa-coloured camisole (Banana Republic, unworn) and a printed sleeveless top (purple, lavender, brown, and white). They work great as separates, and also look perfect together! Woot!

2-for-1 IVF ... not an April Fool's joke!

Murgdan (congrats to you again!) has just posted on her blog about a 2-for-1 IVF deal at her RE's clinic (I'm guessing, according to her profile, that it's in Georgia, but I could be wrong). The $13,500 (USD) price tag also includes ICSI, assisted hatching, and frozen embryo transfer cycles until pregnancy.

Thought I'd post about this, just in case it could help someone out in the IF blogosphere.

not an april fool's joke

A friend back home just announced that she's expecting her fourth child.

I bet she just peed on a stick. I bet she's not even 14 dpo. For her second child, DH was the first person she told ... because she'd just gotten a BFP, and was only 10 dpo. I kid you not: she ran straight out of the bathroom and told the first person she saw.

She has absolutely no clue that her tra-la-la reproductive experiences are not mirrored by everybody.

Oh, the audacity. I wonder what that feels like, to get pregnant whenever you want, by having sex, and never even consider the what-if's: miscarriage, stillbirth, prematurity, birth defects, etc. I wonder what she'd say if she ever didn't get pregnant when she wanted to.

April Fool's joke? I doubt it.

Yeah, I'm jealous. Ironically, I'm wearing green today, too!

I know she loves her children, but she complains about them all.the.time. I just ignore it. Why is she having another one, then?

__________________

On another note, five more things for which to be grateful:

-my red high heels
-the relatively decent weather where I live now (compared to the mess back home of snow, floods, closed highways, drenched basements, etc.)
-the fact that I'm going to meet one of my favourite poets this weekend - I have loved his work forever...
-my cup of jasmine green tea with honey - a most delightful scent
-uninterrupted time to write during the last year or so