maybe if you just relax ... reading this post won't give you high blood pressure

The Stirrup Queen, Mel, posted re: a new study in Fertility and Sterility that seems to suggest that relaxing=pregnancy. Go over to her blog and read it: she comments on the study and on its subsequent media coverage better than I could!

status of the embryos

as i've been saying, dh and i are tentatively planning to try an FET cycle. possibly this april, depending on whether or not i have a job at that point.

a month ago or so, i dug out our infertility medical records (at least 3 inches thick, no joke). i wanted to see how our four frosties had been graded. i didn't look at the time because i was so elated that i had any blasts, let alone six, that asking too many questions seemed to be calling for a rainstorm of jinxes.

but now i need to know.

and they aren't that great.

interestingly - and i wasn't told this at the time - our RE didn't transfer the best two embryos. he transferred the best one (a 4AB, from what I recall, which is really good) and the third-best one (an average one). although we'll never know for sure, it seems clear to me that the best one resulted in my little Ninja.

out of the four sibling-embies, one is a 3BB and the rest are 2CC (I think - don't remember for sure). (here's a web site that shows pics of the various grades.) the RE said they looked good so i thought the grades would be better than that.

huh.

i have an appointment next month with the RE and i'm guessing he'll peg the next cycle's chance for success at 30-40%. which is still a damn sight better than any chance we'd have without it. but it's far from the 80% chance we had last time.

don't get me wrong - i'm eternally grateful to have had one chance that worked. and that i have four blasts, still. i'm not complaining. just wishing i didn't have to think about this. i just talked to a former colleague who did nothing but complain about her 2-year-old daughter. her baby was a "failure of birth control," as she termed it. she'll never understand what a gift she has.

infertility and emotional resilience

oh gosh. i'm glad it's so easy.

kthxbi!

infertility: genes into which i hope my daughter never fits

Great post by Mel over at Stirrup Queens about the first American baby, Elizabeth Carr, who was born via IVF. Elizabeth just gave birth to her first child - a 'natural' conception - and she wrote an article about it for the Boston Globe. Mel points out issues for the rest of us, such as fears of passing on our infertility. This particular paragraph grabbed me:

my biggest fear, as a woman with high FSH, clotting factors, and a LPD, is that I will pass along these conditions to my daughter. And it is not because it is a pain-in-the-ass to engage in assisted conception –that is the smallest part of the matter — but the emotions that accompany needing assisted conception. I know that for some, they are simply amazed and grateful that this science exists and they can utilize it. But I experienced a very different emotional landscape, and I’d rather my daughter never curl up on the bathroom floor and sob as her period begins.

The last sentence made me cry for my daughter.

Back when I thought Ninja was a boy, I was paranoid that he'd 'get' whatever ails DH in the reproductive department. I did whatever I could to ensure health for my baby boy. I even bought organic cotton diapers with wool covers to ensure that nothing would harm his genitalia. I wanted him to avoid the heartache that my DH had on the road to conceive him.

And it turned out to be a girl. A beautiful, funny, bright, loving daughter.

Will I give her my borderline PCOS? Will DH's reproductive woes get passed on to her potential son(s)?

I think I'd rather die than know that my daughter is lying on the floor and crying because she is bleeding again. I'm crying again now just thinking about it.

All I can do is try to keep her healthy and happy. I will monitor her as she hits puberty and, if I see that her cycles are not regulating, I will bring her to a doctor ASAP (which my parents did not do) and I WILL NOT let doctors do to them what they did to me: stick me on the pill and refuse to do any testing. For so long doctors called me 'the problem' and I had to advocate for myself. My daughter, if she has anything similar the matter with her, will have me fighting for her.

And when she is old enough, I will let her read this blog and she'll know to watch for the same things in her children, if she has them.

in honour of world breastfeeding week (please avoid if feeing sensitive)

my breastfeeding story

a tale in progress.

i've been nursing since ninja was born. i have not purchased one container of formula. i don't even know how formula works. i'm glad. there are many mothers out there who long to be in my position. it is working for me because i am working for it.* my body happens to make milk - a huge blessing - and i don't have to have a job right now - another huge blessing - and so i'm able to feed my daughter this way.

although i dislike breastfeeding - i don't care for being leaky and smelly and engorged - i do it anyway and i do not take for granted my ability to lactate.

while i was pregnant, the idea of breastfeeding terrified me. i didn't grow up with anyone i knew who breastfed (or else they did it very discreetly) because it wasn't fashionable at the time. my mother did nurse me, though, until i was 3 months old. i never saw anyone nurse until i was in my early 20s, at least, and the view was still obscured by a prominent nursing cover.

plus i was scared about nursing my own baby because of the PCOS. what if my hormones interfered with everything? (my fears about this were alleviated somewhat when i started secreting colostrum at around the 5-months-pregnant mark.)

i prepared by reading a lot. after all, there was no one to ask for help. my grandmothers, who would have breastfed extensively, are dead. my mom has experience nursing a few of her kids (she didn't bf all of us) for a few months each (i'm beyond this point and she has no experience bf'ing an older baby). most of the women a generation older than me used formula because it was the cool thing to do. and so i relied on books. Bestfeeding was great because it was written simply and had lots of pictures of the Right ways and the Wrong ways to position baby. the La Leche League's book was good, too, but it drives home the mommy-guilt and i didn't appreciate that but that's another topic.

also, my midwife helped me by suggesting that, after she caught the baby, i drink mother's milk tea and some Guiness. done. dh smuggled beer into the hospital, much to my midwife's delight! (i tell ya, i sure didn't mind a cold one the day after ninja arrived.) she cautioned me, though, not to let the nurses see. funny enough, one of the nurses - while the medical team was scaring me about my seeming lack of production - recommended a dark stout, as well! my midwife thought that was great. she wanted to know which nurse it was, actually, but i couldn't remember.

as it turns out, i had nothing to worry about. ninja latched herself on within an hour or two of delivery. little baby was cradled in my right arm. i was talking to dh, my midwife, and my doula when suddenly i felt a pinching at my right nipple.

"whoaaaa, what's that?" i exclaimed. i thought some rude nurse was poking at me. i looked down. there was my tiny nursling sucking away. she looked at me calmly.

"neat-o!" i thought. it was true. newborns come with wisdom into the world.

ninja nursed for the next 4 or 5 hours straight. dh lounged in a portable bed underneath the window. when the sun peeked into the room, she let go and fell asleep nestled into my side. that was when my mind determined that co-sleeping was the only way. the clear plastic bassinet was in the room just to get in people's way. nurses tried, occasionally, to put her in there but she just screamed until either dh or i was holding her again. and i knew that was normal and good. she looked funny in there, anyway, like a big fish who'd outgrown her aquarium. and, besides, nursing is so much easier when you don't have to get up (or even wake up).

my milk came in at the end of the third day. i sensed it was coming because my breasts were becoming big and firm, my nipples were developing brown rings, and i could feel the small round milk ducts blossoming.

the nurses scared me, though. ninja dropped about 1.5 pounds during her first 4 days outside of my body and the nurses put the fear into me. i wouldn't have worried, otherwise, because ninja's colour was good, she was alert, and she nursed every 2 hours. i sensed that they thought i wasn't really feeding her. i resented being made to feel afraid. (i also disliked all the contradictory advice i was given about breastfeeding. i stuck to what i learned from Bestfeeding and from The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and that turned out to be the right thing to do. if i had done what my nurses told me firmly to do, my baby would not have thrived and i probably would have developed breast infections.)

finally one good nurse told me not to worry; she saw evidence of dried milk on ninja's cheek and that meant all was well. another great nurse checked ninja's latch and he praised me for it. i said that i had just done what i saw in the Bestfeeding book and he said it was great that i had prepared myself so well.

(i don't understand people who don't prepare themselves for breastfeeding. so many women seem to think that breastfeeding is natural. IT ISN'T. milk is natural; feeding is not! both the mother and the nursling must learn the dance. and it helps if the mother knows in advance how to position herself and her baby. it's good to know tips, as well, for trouble-shooting. i know too many women who did nothing to prepare themselves and who thought it was all going to be a breeze and, when the time came, had huge problems with latch, milk production, timing, etc.

we did have a few troubles for the next few weeks. nothing serious. ninja preferred the left side and it was hard to get her latched on to the right. with time and practice she overcame that problem.

my husband was truly the most helpful lactation consultant i could ever have imagined. he was committed to encouraging me and ninja to learn how become an effective nursing pair. he generated the idea of using my bedside table (because you can crank it higher or lower) as a positioner for ninja so that she could get a better latch on the right side. he was also my dedicated procurer of water because the prelude of every nursing session involved me nearly dying of thirst.

ninja settled into a routine of nursing every 2 or 3 hours for 45 to 55 minutes. sometimes she tried to go for 4 hours during the day but i put a stop to that because i wanted her to eat more during the day and less at night (we're still plugging away at that issue).

more bf'ing problems appeared along the way. i realized, finally, after three months that the reason ninja vomited so much and choked so often, especially at her bedtime feeding, was because i was overproducing and i had an overly enthusiastic letdown reflex. this problem wasn't addressed in any book i'd seen. i phoned a La Leche League leader who also didn't know what to do. i figured it all out, finally, and i learned that i needed to pump myself dry before ninja's bedtime and wake-up feedings. problem solved. i ended up dumping a lot of milk which made me feel guilty. i tried to donate the excess (to my SIL and to a few friends) but the plans consistently fell through. i bought a few milk trays and started freezing it but, wouldn't you know it, my supply just dropped by about 40%. at 6 months, it finally evened out. it still means lots of milk for the baby but i don't leak nearly as much anymore, i'm not engorged all the time, and i don't have to pump.

after the fact, i read about this very problem in Jack Newman's guide to breastfeeding (which is a terrific resource - he is a Toronto-based doctor who specializes in breastfeeding - and is he ever committed to the cause!). he doesn't offer any solutions and so i e-mailed him to say what i had done, in case it could help anyone else out there. he responded to thank me which was cool, considering how busy he is.

about, oh i don't know, 2 or 3 months into nursing i developed blocked ducts and then i got mastitis. the side of my left breast was engorged and hot and i felt as though i had the worst flu of my life. of course, i was alone with little ninja. that was terrible. i had to take a course of antibiotics and she and i stayed in bed for a few days so i could nurse frequently (to get rid of the blockages). both my family and dh's family have a dairy background and so they all felt sorry for me because they knew how miserable cows get when they have mastitis.

and, yes, i did feel like a miserable cow!

i seem to be prone to blocked ducts so i'm careful when i get them to apply heat and massage them because mastitis is not something i want to get again.

another problem has been ninja's nursing strikes. her longest one lasted a few months. she just doesn't want to be bothered to eat. she'd rather do it all night long. and she is easily distracted. my solution has been to nurse her in my ring sling. then she has to focus. no baby gymnastics, twisting and turning to look at the clock, playing with mommy's clothes, etc. just eating.

she won't nurse in public, though. it's too distracting for her. and so for now i am tied to the house. i would like to nurse in public, though, as a political statement. yes, i'm one of those. i've started working up the nerve. i did have to nurse publicly a few weekends ago at my dh's family camp. it was too hot to use a cover and ninja just bats it away, anyway. i nursed in the open, although you really had to look hard to see any lady bits. interestingly, my 10-year-old niece came to watch, as did my 5-year-old nephew. i hope from what they saw that they remember that breastfeeding is normal.

now i'm at the point of starting to think about weaning. i had wanted to breastfeed until at least a year. then, with the inspiration of my lactivist cousin, i thought of going longer. but because i want to do an FET in spring, my RE says i have to wean in advance. i'm guessing 2 or 3 months in advance, to allow the prolactin level to fall, but i don't know for sure.

i have mixed feelings about weaning. i don't like breastfeeding so i should be relieved at the idea of quitting but i'm not. it is a special time for my daughter and me. i do like the health benefits of extended nursing (both for her and me). i like not getting my period.

i don't like the idea of weaning for the sake of a baby who may not even come into existence. if i knew i'd get pregnant, stopping bf'ing wouldn't bother me as much, i don't think. but i don't know that. if the FET fails, i weaned for no reason. (oh, and for a few different reasons, postponing the FET isn't really an option.) and when i think, down the road, about our very last nursing session, i feel like crying.

i'm doing baby-led weaning to introduce foods. it's going well. i offer ninja spears of vegetables and chunks of fruit. she's learning what to do with it all. i eat the same things in front of her because that seems to convince her that she likes it all, too.

for now, i breastfeed my daughter 3 or 4 times during the day and 3 or 4 times at night. the process involves a sling and a pillow, cajoling, vomiting, quiet time, a copious number of towels and washcloths and nursing pads, broken sleep, and lots of dropped milk on my lap when my daughter takes a deep breath and gives me a wide grin.




*i do not in any way mean to imply that all women can nurse if they just work hard enough; i know too many mothers who poured their lives into making breastfeeding work and it just couldn't, for a variety of reasons