Seminar!!

Did the seminar! It was a critical and historical look at infertility in the western world, and it lasted for 90 minutes instead of 30. Yay - everyone loved it! They were all so respectful, but they weren't afraid to ask questions and make comments, which was great! I got to preach about PCOS, and about knowing your body and its fertility, etc. And my professor came over to hug me multiple times before I left to go home (she's gone through infertility treatments, too). I love her.

And...dh felt bad for me that I put myself 'out there' so much for this project, so he went and got me The Colbert Report on DVD! What a great day! YESSSSSSSSSSSS....

Now I have to turn it into my final paper, which should be an interesting process. A 'birth,' as it were.

(And now Dh is convinced that I need to do my Ph.D. He is threatening to go to 'firefighter school' if I don't apply! Eek!)

Genetic counsellor (um, 'pregnant' with expectations?)

Genetic counsellor today was a frickin' waste of time, as dh and I expected. Also surreal, since both the counsellor and the doctor were at least 6 months pg. Of course. *Rolls eyes*

Anyway, as we were aware, there is a small (very small) risk of that 'Mennonite disease': hypophosphatasia. Or something to that effect. (Sounds like a really bad Disney movie! lol) But to me, it wasn't enough of a risk to warrant the testing until/if we need IVF, in which case I'd want the results in order to do a preimplantation genetic diagnosis.

We were also informed about the cause of death for our stillborn niece, and although it was a genetic problem, it wasn't something for us to worry about, as it was the result of a spontaneous mutation (did I say that correctly? I don't know). Anyway, just not something to be concerned about in terms of dh being a possible carrier. Rock on.

The counsellor also told me about other in utero screening (e.g., for Down's, spina bifida, etc.), but we're not into abortion or selective reduction or whatever you want to call it, so that didn't really apply to us.

So that's that. Good to get it over with.

Waitin' on the Easter eggie...

I don't think I did o, so who knows about the mittelschmerz that I got 4 days ago? Whatever. Hope it's not a cyst.

Anyway, I have loads of ewcm, and my lower abdomen is a bit crampy. So I pounced on dh tonight.

I'm not expecting to get pg anymore, but it's nice to feel 'normal.' I feel all powerful and sexy and creative when I'm ovulating.

Just thought of this: If I ever deliver a baby, will I ever let that child read this blog? I don't know how much I'm prepared to share about this infertility journey with any of my family members and friends at any point.

Another addition to the monstrous family.

Who announces on Facebook that her water just broke? (Is that weird?)

One of my nieces, that's who, as well as her husband. 2 minutes ago.

Now I'll worry about her all night, since she's having the baby at home. lol (Nothing wrong with that - that's what I'd like to do myself - it's just that I'll worry about her and the baby!)

I guess I'll have yet another great-niece or -nephew by tomorrow.

In the meantime...

In the meantime, I'm making further adjustments to my diet. I eat really well, anyway, but I figure it can't hurt to make it even better.

I'm adding one more veggie serving per day (so that's 5 veg and 4 fruits daily - and the way I measure my servings, that's probably equivalent to more like 7 veg and 6 fruits according to the Canada Food Guide).

I'm also cutting down on dairy, and adding more fish and beans.

And I'm going to try to cut caffeine. Hah, good luck on that one! I luuuuurve my coffee, especially my morning cappuccino. Um, maybe I'll start kicking that habit...next week. Yeah, next week. lol

easter egging so early? lol

I had pronounced ovulation pain and loads of ewcm yesterday ... which was CD12. What the heck? I've never gotten that this early in a cycle. So I jumped dh.

I still have ewcm today.

No cycle of mine is ever predictable. At least it's predictable that it'll be unpredictable! lol

I hold out no hope for a miracle BFP (which would by now be as miraculous as the Immaculate Conception, believe me), but it seems that I can't stop trying. I mean, by now, my statistical odds to actually conceive are at around 2% per cycle (medically unassisted). Very, very low, considering that your average couple's chance is over 20%. But I keep hoping that I'll be one of the 2%, even though I know already that that won't happen.

Ah, well. Like a turtle, I shall continue to inch my way on the conveyor belt of TTC until I get to my first medicated cycle in May or June. And then, if it does take, I will think, "Aaaaahhhhh! What did I just get myself into?!" LOL

my new great-nephew

I saw pictures today on Facebook of my new great-nephew. He's perfect. I could see that he already has the characteristic broad nose and full lips (top lip puffs out a bit over the lower one) that run in my husband's family.

It makes me sigh. I know our children would resemble him. If I could choose how my child will look, he/she would have either my dh's or my eyes (I think we both have beautiful eyes), my dad's aquiline nose, my dh's lips and eyelashes, and my cheekbones and jawline (which resemble those of my mother and her mother).

I look at the other nieces and nephews, as well, and they all give me ideas of what our children would look like. When dh and I are caring for his 8-year-old niece and 3-year-old nephew, in particular, people on the street often think that we're their parents because they look exactly like us. We have a picture of the 4 of us, and even their mother (my sister-in-law) and my mother-in-law commented that we looked like a family together.

And we are, in a way. They are the children of my heart, and they know that. You don't have to have children in order to be a mother.

The things that are lost when one is unable to conceive...

Well, another niece just had a baby boy this morning. I hope I get a turn at some point.

Jeepers, I'm a great-aunt 4 times over, and I'm not even a mother yet.

I will have to send a gift by mail (thank God, we live too far away to be immersed in the celebrations), if I can stand to go shopping for a baby present.

I have gone to only a few baby showers in my life. Since I've been TTC since I was 24 (and I'm nearly 30 now), all of these women in my life have been procreating on and on, while I've been at the sidelines. I avoid them like the plague - I just don't go, and I make up some lame excuse. I don't send a gift, either, because I can't bear to be constantly in the baby section of Wal-Mart: we have huge families, so babies are always coming and coming. (I've dropped all of my female friends, basically, because the baby thing was too much for me, too.) I don't tell anyone why, or make any apologies, because I have to protect myself.

I'm regretful and embarrassed, though, when I think about the possibility of my own baby shower in the future. There won't be one. I have pretty much no friends left, and almost no extended family (that's a long story, but my mom's family is too huge for anyone to really know each other anymore, and my dad's family is poisonous). So who would come to a shower for me, especially since I didn't go to any for them?

I'll make a list: my mom, my mother-in-law, my brother's wife, at least three of my four sister-in-laws, my one married female friend who has no kids, and her mom. And maybe one of dh's (single and childless) female friends. None of my cousins, and certainly none of my former friends. After all, I didn't go to their showers or send gifts or even have the courtesy to RSVP.

Very sad, I tell you. Especially since I used to have a lot of good female friends. It would be humiliating, actually, to have such a sparsely populated room for a baby shower. I'd be grateful for all the attendees, of course, but I miss my gal pals.

I don't want a shower, anyway. If/when I get knocked up, I will be too paranoid about losing the pregnancy to want any material baby items hanging around, just in case. I'm not superstitious, but in that case, I would feel that the baby things would be a harbinger of bad luck.

But I'll still feel self-conscious about my lack of female friendship.

The things that are lost when one is unable to conceive...

feeling swallowed

Someone on the SoulCysters web site asked the following question: So I've heard your life totally changes when you have a child (duh!), but how about also while TTC w/ PCOS? All I know is that ever since my ob/gyn got my bloodwork results and referred me to an RE, even just awaiting this appt..... my life is completely consumed. Does it ever settle down?

This was my answer: It has never settled down for me; I feel swallowed by it. My life has totally changed since I discovered I was infertile, and I will never be the same again. I do my best to ward off 'being consumed' by going on with the activities I enjoy (e.g., writing, working on my master's degree, watching Sex and the City, working out, being a research assistant, hanging out with my pals), but TTC is always on the backburner. Even after I finally have children (if I ever do), the pain will never go away. That's the truth for me. I hope you find your own ways around the TTC mess, and that you're blessed with healthy children sooner rather than later. (HUG)

Something's gotta give!

I'm starting to get excited about my treatments this spring.

Especially since the tech commented on my 'normal-looking' ovaries. Woot, woot! I forgot to mention that I'm developing follicles that are evenly scattered over the ovaries, and not in a string, a la PCOS. And that they're not enlarged, as is often the case in polycystic ovaries (the tech said, in fact, that she was having a hard time finding them!). I don't know if this is just due to cyclical timing or whatever (maybe they'll look PCOS-ish later in my cycle), but I'm so pumped about it, anyway! It's motivation to keep eating well and exercising!

I'm excited, actually, that dh has low morphology, since then we KNOW that something's not perfect, and we can do something about it! I'm sooooo hoping that these are all good signs!!!

My previous specialist did also comment that my lining was never thick enough (it was always around 4 mm). Why did he never do anything about it, I wonder?

So with injectables, IUI, and something to support the endometrial lining, something HAS to happen, right?

?

Ok, now I'm confused. Perhaps I'm overthinking all of this, but after doing some research on morphology...

My last specialist said he didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant. Is it possible to blame it on dh's newly-discovered low morphology? Is 2% low enough that that alone could have prevented a pregnancy?

And if so, I should be able to get pregnant via IUI then, right?