(Mis)conceptions and Great Expectations: feeling swallowed

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

feeling swallowed

Someone on the SoulCysters web site asked the following question: So I've heard your life totally changes when you have a child (duh!), but how about also while TTC w/ PCOS? All I know is that ever since my ob/gyn got my bloodwork results and referred me to an RE, even just awaiting this appt..... my life is completely consumed. Does it ever settle down?

This was my answer: It has never settled down for me; I feel swallowed by it. My life has totally changed since I discovered I was infertile, and I will never be the same again. I do my best to ward off 'being consumed' by going on with the activities I enjoy (e.g., writing, working on my master's degree, watching Sex and the City, working out, being a research assistant, hanging out with my pals), but TTC is always on the backburner. Even after I finally have children (if I ever do), the pain will never go away. That's the truth for me. I hope you find your own ways around the TTC mess, and that you're blessed with healthy children sooner rather than later. (HUG)

4 comments:

Rebecca said...: Hey, Rebecca527 from SC here. I hope you don't mind I linked your blog to mine so I can keep up with you. I am really enjoying reading your blog...so much of what you've written is so similar to what I've been feeling for the past almost 4 years. Hang in there, if you ever need to chat, I'm here!; March 6, 2008 at 5:44 p.m.
one-hit_wonder said...: Thanks, hun! I'm honoured! I'll check out your blog, too!; March 6, 2008 at 8:39 p.m.
Anonymous said...: I'm terrible with keeping up with people and I hope you get a chance to read this. But I try to check up on the "old crew" as much as I can. I hate that we all aren't on the same thread anymore, it was a great group of ladies.
Anyway, my point in replying to this particular blog entry was you are right, the pain of ttc does linger. It does change life forever. It makes you stronger. It makes you wiser. It makes you a better person, mother, wife. I know these words are not comforting, but in hindsight, you appreciate the journey. You know for some reason God chose you to go through this horrible/wonderful process of infertility, and in some way, amongst all those that get pg so easily, you can feel speical... because inside you know the work and tears and prayers that went into asking God for that child.
Still I get that feeling when I hear someone is pg... not that I'm not happy for them but just, do they really understand what a gift that is being given to them?
I'm so happy you all are on a road that looks promising and that the dr's are finally figuring out some of the things that are causeing the infertility. Heres praying for a Spring BFP!!!!; March 31, 2008 at 11:53 p.m.
Anonymous said...: I'm terrible with keeping up with people and I hope you get a chance to read this. But I try to check up on the "old crew" as much as I can. I hate that we all aren't on the same thread anymore, it was a great group of ladies.
Anyway, my point in replying to this particular blog entry was you are right, the pain of ttc does linger. It does change life forever. It makes you stronger. It makes you wiser. It makes you a better person, mother, wife. I know these words are not comforting, but in hindsight, you appreciate the journey. You know for some reason God chose you to go through this horrible/wonderful process of infertility, and in some way, amongst all those that get pg so easily, you can feel speical... because inside you know the work and tears and prayers that went into asking God for that child.
Still I get that feeling when I hear someone is pg... not that I'm not happy for them but just, do they really understand what a gift that is being given to them?
I'm so happy you all are on a road that looks promising and that the dr's are finally figuring out some of the things that are causeing the infertility. Heres praying for a Spring BFP!!!!; March 31, 2008 at 11:59 p.m.

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Hi!

I'm a teacher and an aspiring writer. I love reading, writing, watching good TV, photography, fashion, and great food. I just finished my graduate degree in Education.

My partner and I tried to conceive, on and off, for over 7 years. I have PCOS (so borderline that it was never really an issue) and the dude has severe male factor. We started this screwy trip by getting misdiagnosed (buddy, you're fine! - your wife has the problem!). I should sue that first clinic.

We had one IVF/ICSI which resulted in a miscarriage. We will not forget.

We got out of the IVF Funhouse over a year ago and my RE told me I was knocked up, but I didn't believe him. I still don't, even though as I type these words the most beautiful 8-month-old girl in the world is sitting on my lap.

Ciao,

One Hit Wonder (now literally!)

(And, thanks to my friends, also known as 'Our Lady of the Lost and Found' and 'Academia Whore.')

TTC c.v.

crap, i should update this list. i did have a baby recently.
Oct 2: Midwife appointment.
Sept. 1: Midwife appointment. Should get a booking for an ultrasound.
August 11: Started (very tentatively) to buy baby necessities.
August 7: Felt baby move!
August 4: Midwife appointment: emotional health check-up. She also says I'm measuring 2 weeks ahead.
July 22: Gp says I'm measuring ahead.
July 9: Told DH's sister, BIL, and 2 nephews. DH and I phone his niece, who's sick with swine flu, to tell her the news - she's in charge of telling the rest of DH's family.
July 7: First appointment with midwife; heard heartbeat. Told my family and then DH's mom. Got doppler in the mail.
June 30: Bought maternity clothes.
June 26: Second u/s and last obstetrical appointment with RE.
June 8: Phoned midwife with u/s news; will set up appointment after we've moved.
June 5: First u/s and obstetrical appointment. One heart doing 140 bpm. :)
May 21: Third beta - 824!!!
May 19: Repeat beta - 309.
May 15: Beta - 113.
May 14: The vaguest of positives, part deux.
May 13: The vaguest of positives. Midwife phones; I don't return the call.
May 12: Afternoon BFN on $ store test.
May 11: BFP! Scared! Already did an intake with a midwife.
May 8: A LOT anxious.
May 7: A little anxious.
May 3: Day 5: Transfer: 2 lovely blasts, already hatching. 4 blasts frozen for later. RE says I have moderate OHSS. Acupuncture.
May 2: Day 4. No updates. Take antibiotic.
May 1: Day 3. Still have 15; 5 are in the lead.
Apr 30: Day 2: 1 embie arrested; 15 developing well. Feeling ill.
Apr 29: Day 1: Fertilization report: 20 mature eggs and 16 fertilized! Speechless! Start Prometrium (3x/day) and Estrace (2x/day).
Apr 28: Egg retrieval. 21 eggs retrieved. Stop coenzyme q-10.
Apr 27: Bloodwork and acupuncture.
Apr 26: Monitoring. Full OHSS protocol. Trigger before bed.
Apr 25: Monitoring. OHSS protocol 'lite.'
Apr 24: Monitoring and acupuncture.
Apr 23: Monitoring.
Apr 22: Monitoring.
Apr 20: Monitoring. Afc 35+. Estrogen 1100.
Apr 17: Pre-stim assessment. Afc 20 and estrogen great. Start Puregon 125 units.
Apr 10: Last bcp. Woot!
Apr 7: Start medically induced menopause (aka: Lupron).
Apr 6: Endometrial biopsy (ouch!), cycle review, $11,070 due. Cyst aspiration cancelled - it burst and is disappearing on its own.
March 21: Start bcp
March 19: Day 3 u/s and b/w. B/w results excellent. U/s shows massive cyst on my purely decorative right ovary; RE wants $500 to aspirate it. wtf?
March 17: CD1 - we're back in the IVF Funhouse
March 11-16, 2009: Spotting. Come on, af!!!
March-May 2009: Second IVF/ICSI/AH (long protocol, plus endometrial biopsy). Hannam says no to Glumetza, as per new research. Waiting for af so I can start Marvelon.
March 2009: Follow-up with Hannam. All tests negative, plus DH’s DNA frag test comes out awesome – better than most men’s! (Though his morphology and motility are still abysmal.) I start extra folic acid again, as well as co-q10.
Feb 2009: Mf testing.
Jan 2009: Negative beta. Clinic says to go straight to IVF stims, no mf testing. DH and I argue about donor. We talk about separating. Switch clinics. Hannam orders mf testing and puts DH on new massive doses of antioxidants. I have karyotyping and SHG. I try a new TCM doctor, but it all COSTS so much!
Dec 2009: FET/AH with Grade 2 5-cell. Faint + on one test at 10 dpt, then nothing.
Nov 2008: WTF appointment - RE says male factor is the cause of our problem, and probably not the PCOS. I go off Glumetza, as per TCM doc’s recommendations, as it’s crashing my blood sugar.
Oct 8, 2008: M/c at 4 weeks 5 days.
Oct. 7, 2008: Beta 20. Start bleeding late at night.
Oct 5, 2008: BFP! Best day of my life. I go to DH's workplace to surprise him.
Aug - Sept 2009: IVF/ICSI (long protocol). 11 eggs, 5 fertilize. (Hardly any sperm at all after the wash.) 2 die on day 3. We transfer 2 average graders; freeze 1.
Summer 2008: At WTF appointment, RE recommends IVF/ICSI. DH starts vitamins. I've been taking vits all along, but now I start acupuncture and Chinese meds, too.
Spring 2008: Injects/IUI. Only 1 follie, for whatever bizarre reason. DH's mf discovered – less than 1 million survive wash, plus motility and morphology SUCK.
August 2007-March 2008: Move 2000 km, partly to find decent IF clinic; WAIT for provincial medical coverage to begin, and then wait some more for RE referral. In the meantime, on vacay in Central America, I o and again don’t get pg – I realize that a natural pg isn’t in the cards.
July 2007: Lap and hyst - ok, except my right ovary is purely decorative, which I knew. No injects yet – huge family issues.
Dec 2006-March 2007: Clomid 4x- BFN -s/a again ok, my bloodwork fine – I beg for thorough tests for myself –HSG is clear.
Dec 2006: First appointment with RE, who is out to lunch in every way, but since we’re in an underfunded and remote area, there’s no choice.
June 3, 2006: DH watches Big Daddy movie and decides that he wants a baby. S/a ok. Referral to IF clinic. I start charting. Am amazed that no one ever told me I could read my body’s fertility signs.
Sometime in 2004 – June 2, 2006: TTC on hold - DH not interested anymore, and I'm in a series of devastating car accidents (none my fault) that wreck my back. Start M.A. Go on Met at some point, even though my bloodwork is now normal and my ovaries don’t look that bad, but it does nothing for me.
Spring 2002- 2004: TTC casually. I don’t know what ‘ovulation’ or ‘Fertility Friend’ are. I never POAS, nor do I care.
Spring 2002: DH’s uncle dies. We think life is too short, so we toss the bcp.
2001 or so: PCOS dx (amenorrhea, right ovary anovulatory, LH:FSH out of control, hair loss, acne, fatigue). I spend the next few years bringing it under control with diet and exercise.
1996: Af always out of whack, so I get bcp (which adds 15 lbs to my frame). Doctors will not test to see what’s going on.

(Mis)conceptions and Great Expectations

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

feeling swallowed

4 comments:

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