points about ninja to remember her by when i'm old and grey

-she growls at me when i don't do what she wants fast enough and/or to her liking. i do not respond to growls! so i ignore her or laugh at her. she gets the hint eventually - hello, growing awareness of social cues! - and then she laughs and gives me a softer edge to her voice

-during the last few months she has become very shy unless she's in my ring sling. she especially despises my dad (and he loves her so very much!). i do not pass her to people if it upsets her. i've found that if i keep her in my sling and then, over the course of an hour or two, loosen it until it falls around us, she warms up to present company and won't cry. then, people offer their arms to her; she is hesitant at first but when i feel her tip herself in their directions, i know she's ok and i pass her on to the others in her life who love her so much.

-on a related note, she thinks strollers are so last year.

-she is still impossible to put to bed. this is not new. today i spent a total of 6 hours trying to get her to sleep. oy.

-she loves to grip my hands and swing herself from side to side on my lap. to her, it's really the happiest thing in the world.

-she also loves it when i: sing to her, dance with her, put on makeup in front of her.

-when i change her diaper, she chases my shadow on the wall.

-she is so close to crawling; when i put her on the floor she is already motoring around

-she loves Sophie the Giraffe (dumb looking toy!) and her handmade sock monkey (another goofy toy)

-she can't be bothered to nurse during the day, preferring still to snack every 2 hours at night although we had gotten her to go for 4-hour stretches

-she is obsessed with the TV. i don't let her watch anything and so when it is on, in odd moments, i can't possibly get her attention on anything else

-she despises her car seat and so i can't leave our town. she also as a rule won't nurse in public or nap outside of the house. i'm bound to our home. i am mostly ok with this but others in my life are not.

-nothing excites her more than having a bath

-she thinks clothes are dumb and that i'm a Mean Mommy for making her wear anything

-she is terrified of my elliptical trainer and so i can't exercise

-she has the best smile in the world. i asked dh where he thinks she gets her sparkly grin from - me? him? a grandparent? - and he said, "from herself."

oh yes, there will be tutus

a party with family and friends, presents, fondant cake (with an accompanying smash cake!), professional photographer, flowers, a tutu ...


yes, i've been dreaming of ninja's birthday. this started a month or so ago.

we've got half a year until the ninja's first birthday but, hey, who cares? i'm going to do what i want to celebrate her life.

i've already bought two of her presents. well, i picked them up at garage sales. that sounds terrible but i don't care. i got great stuff (a brand-new playskool scooter-type-thing and beautiful gymboree clothes with the tags still attached) that didn't cost the earth, both in terms of $ and carbon footprints and all that. i'm excited when people get me stuff they found while thrifting so it's all fine by me.

good thing i was already thinking about n's birthday because the cake designer and the photographer i wanted are already booking into november! i sent off e-mails today to put in a request for my baby's special day. :)

i told dh today over the phone about this and, instead of laughing at me or grumbling about the price (he's not tight-fisted but his business is tentative right now), he said it was good.

now, for cake:



i was thinking something like this. except a little baby bird between the 2 big birds. the four eggs in the nest represent n's frostie siblings.

yes, i'm an english major, dammit. everything has to represent something! even on my baby's birthday cake!

just say no to mush!

good thing i'm trying baby-led weaning. ninja hates all forms of mush and so i'm sure that if i'd started her on purees, she would have disliked everything. NO to squash, sweet potatoes, oatmeal, bananas, etc. YES to hard things that she can chew on, like asparagus, carrots, and broccoli.

yesterday i tried offering butternut squash. she gave me her worst look.

i tried again this morning and ninja remembered it: wouldn't even look at it or touch it. i did touch some of the squash inside her mouth - just because i want to her to have some exposure so that i can tell if she's allergic or not - and she made a huge show out of coughing and gagging and pretending she couldn't breathe. (i knew she was fine.)

funny gal.

Infertility Contest!

The Misfit over at Just Being is having an Infertility Contest. This idea makes me laugh like mad because there's nothing like infertility to bring out the hahas in all of us!

Here are the details:

The Contest

(1) The contest would be open for a whole month - say, until August 16. That way people who are traveling or only check blogs occasionally could play if they like.

(2) The contest would be for the worst infertility-related experience of its type. There would be several categories:

-most outrageous statement about infertility/children/parenting that has been made to you personally
-craziest infertility remedy suggested to you personally
-most outlandish infertility or TTC treatment/remedy/good luck charm you have actually done or used (must include results)
-most outrageous public backlash or spectacle you've ever engaged in regarding IF/TTC
-please suggest others I've missed!

(3) "To you personally" will also include to your spouse.

(4) You must be infertile/secondarily infertile/RPL to play, whether you have kids or not, and whether you are still TTC or not.

(5) I'd have to judge subjectively, so I can't compete. I'd award some sort of silly prize - suggestions welcome.

(6) You can "enter" the contest by submitting your entry in a comment on this post, or commenting with a link to a blog post where you've discussed the occurrence you're using as an entry.

(7) Everyone is welcome to lobby for or against others' submissions!

See you over at Just Being for some crazy stories. I'm not sure if I'll enter - just because I don't think I have anything that unusual to share - but I want to read the entries.

a captive audience

Ninja thinks I'm The Most Wonderful Thing Ever and that is the #1 reason why she won't ever go to sleep.

I'm a very ordinary person. Reserved, nerdy, semi-crunchy. I think I have a decent sense of humour and I do like to be the instigator of pranks. (I whisper ideas and then others do my dirty work. I look innocent and so I get off scot-free!)

But my dear child considers me the be-all and end-all. Which is very flattering. It's a new experience to me: having a captive audience. She laughs at all my jokes.

She thinks almost everything is a hoot, really.

Two weekends ago she laughed in the crying face of her cousin, a four-month-old baby.

Last week she laughed at two ladies in the thrift store who, most unfortunately, were at the receiving end of a crashingly broken full rack of clothes. (And then she tutted at the ladies, presumably to guide them to the best way of remedying their problem. I giggled so hard I had to leave the store.)

Schadenfreude much? ;)

Her laugh isn't that loud yet. Occasionally she manages to actually make 'laughter' sounds - especially when I tickle her, which occurs at least every 2 minutes - but usually her giggles are more physical (shaking body and smiling face) than aural.

Today the Ninja was babbling away and I was imitating her. She stopped chatting and laughed out loud. That was the first time that she communicated to me her understanding of what was happening when I make the same sounds that she does.

Ah, baby giggles. There's nothing better. Except maybe the experience of watching this little person learn to listen and to talk.

catching up to do

Expect a number of posts from me in the next few days because I have lots of catching up to do. Not so much about Ninja - although lots is always going on with her - but about infertility in general, my musings about FET, and other people's IF blogs.

First. The Misfit over at Just Being wrote an amazing (and I'm not taking that word lightly) post about the mental ramblings of an infertile woman who can't shake that b!tch named Hope.

This part got to me:

And you feel a hundred. And a part of you has died. You never cry when you get your period, you never talk about how exciting it would be if it were "this month," you eventually stopped throwing baby showers (people stopped asking you to, eventually), and finally you basically stopped attending them, but you know what the strange thing is? The hope isn't quite dead yet. It's the most horrible thing in your life. It won't let you have any peace, not even for a moment. You make career plans and financial plans and savings plans and you bravely compute futures that include no children, and buy plane tickets for nine months from now, and live in a house in the city, and spend your vacation time at work on actual vacations, rather than saving it all up for that extended maternity leave you always wanted.


And you never tell your husband, but every month, a tiny, horrible, un-killable shred of you believes against the weight of all past experience that it could be this month. And when people ask you, or say, "When you have children," you bravely say, "Well, if," or "We'll see." But you don't tell them the name you're saving for your first girl, in case they take it.


Hope is the worst thing in the world.


No, no, infertility is the worst thing in the world. Hope is second.


Misfit, that was powerful stuff and I'm deeply sorry that it had to be written. A million women have felt these words but you said them with earth-shattering style. I even had to e-mail Mel at Stirrup Queens, which I've never done before, to ask her to read it. When I finally out myself about my reproductive history - because it will happen one day and I'm going to post about that soon - I will ask anyone who cares to read your words. Maybe then they'll try to attempt to maybe empathize with what DH and I endured to bring our beloved Ninja into our lives.

*le sigh*

we're on to solids.

i'm proud of my girl for doing a great job of growing but what happened to my little baby?

mother-sighs aside, i wanted to write about what dh and i are doing with Ninja re: solids because it's sure not what we're used to. we're trying baby-led weaning.

we grew up thinking that purees were a must. apparently, for healthy and ready 6-month-olds, not so.

so far i've given Ninja tastes of avocado, sweet potatoes, carrots, and bananas. mainly, i brushed her lips with morsels. no go to most of it. she thought bananas, especially, were a terrible idea. at the taste of sweet potatoes, she gave me her worst look: mommy, how could you betray me like this? and then when she nursed, she made a loud production of going "nom, nom, nom." so yummy, mummy! this is what i wanted!

today, we started BWL in earnest. i got her ready in her chair (to which she was already accustomed because i wanted her to be used to sitting in it). and then i gave her a stick of steamed broccoli.

she went crazy for it! nom nom nom! she gnawed away happily for almost half an hour. the spear remained but most of the florets were gone. no choking, no gagging. she knew what to do with it. good job, kiddo!

btw: i am still nursing. i am not a fan of breastfeeding - i'm constantly engorged, dripping wet, smelling like sour cottage cheese - but i believe militantly in its importance. i plan to continue until Ninja is a year old. i'd probably go longer - up to two years or more - but in spring i want to do a frozen cycle and the IVF nurse says i have to wean first.

*****************

just now, i'm trying to put Ninja to bed and i've noticed that she is mastering the art of manipulation. her normal desperate cries for me to come save her (and i always do) sounded different to me. canned or something. instead of picking her up, i waited and watched. suddenly she stopped her odd shrieks and groans and looked up at me. and grinned.

little bugger!

best day of my life (from july 22nd - posted today)

the backyard swimming pool is ready. the air is 26 degrees celsius. the pool water is even warmer.

DH: k, i'm taking Ninja in. you can go do your errands.

OHW: uh, no. guess it'll all get done another day.

i change ninja into a diaper cover and an adorable swimsuit alighted with pink and orange butterflies. and a towel that, when wrapped around her, makes her look like a piglet.

i hop into a bathing suit. look at myself in the mirror. i don't look too bad but i could lose a few inches, still.

dh and ninja jump into the pool. it starts to rain. ninja's not too sure about this. i snap a few photos. she sees i'm smiling and so she starts to play. i step into the pool. it rains and rains. the rain is cool and the pool water is deliciously lukewarm. we play and play. an hour goes by.

i blow in ninja's face and dunk her in the water. she comes up sputtering, sees my laughing face and she bursts out laughing, too. she giggles at the sight of her dada diving into the water and disappearing, then reappearing with a smile and a shout.

my eye makeup is running everywhere and my hair is a mess. i swim and float. i watch dh play with our child and the tears come. my red eyes are forgiven by rain and chlorinated water.

dh and i take turns playing with the baby. we hold her by the jet so that she's bathed in the warmest water.

still in the pool, i nurse her for a few minutes. she giggles madly at this odd turn of events and dh calls me a lunatic. she can't concentrate on sucking because it's all just too comical.

we go inside. i wrap her up in the big pink towel, dress her, feed her, and she's out for a long nap, dreaming of her looney parents and warm milk.

***

i pick her up at the end of her nap. she's still tired and she falls asleep again in my arms. she hasn't done this since she was 6 weeks old. she never ever falls asleep against me. i stand still and look at us in the mirror. is this the last time?

***

later in the day, she gives me kisses and kisses.

***

the best day of my life. the cost was worth it.

ramblings: cuteness from the ninja

last night the Ninja repeatedly grabbed my chin and gave me kisses on the mouth so that i wouldn't put her back down for bed. it's hard to be the Tough Parent when she does that! i had to hold her below my chin so that she couldn't distract me with her Kissyface Cuteness. it is so hard to refuse baby smooches! but i didn't want her to derail me from teaching her how to go to sleep. i held firm! and i still got 3 or 4 kisses this morning so all is well.

she slept SIX HOURS in a row last night. first time ever. since we curtailed the bed-sharing (waaaah! i liked having her in my bed!) she sleeps around four hours in a row which i think is pretty good, though. it was weird to wake up with my right boob as solid as stone and realize that she'd blown two hours past her normal feeding. good job, kiddo!

and because i had her in bed early again - i've been moving her bedtime earlier and earlier - she stayed there for 12 hours instead of her regular 10. she felt great when she woke up this morning! and so we went thrifting and i bought a shirt for her christmas outfit.

today she found her hair so she pulled on it like crazy. i was surprised that she didn't fuss that it hurt. she's a tough kid, though. when she gets hurt or feels scared, she looks at my face to gauge my feelings and then she reacts accordingly. usually this means no tears even when she is hurt or afraid. so when, for example, the train runs late at night and awakens her, i turn on the light so she can see that i'm not frightened and then she stops crying immediately. dh is in awe of the effect i have on her. for my part, it feels like a huge and wonderful responsibility: to care for a wee girl's emotional health.

the accepted rule in IF land

infertiles don't have to attend baby showers. that is an accepted rule in IF land. except for the shower i coerced my mom into having for Ninja, i've never been to a baby shower.

but i, a recovering infertile, went to an actual Real Live baby shower today. with presents and ooh'ing and ah'ing and everything. it was for my sister-in-law and my new niece.

surprisingly, it didn't bother me at all to be at a party for a baby, even an 'oops' baby (my bro and SIL found out about her when SIL was already in the second tri - what astonishing luck some people have). i love my niece and so it was all right. so i helped plan the party and everything. i even cut precious pink roses from my mother's day rose bush that DH and the Ninja gave me to use as centrepieces.

and i had Ninja with me - my sparkly girl - to hug. without her, no way would i have gone to any baby shower. without her, i'd be either dead or on the other side of the world right now.

(and Ninja stole the show, anyway. she is full of hilariosity. much to everyone's delight, i kept blowing in Ninja's armpit to elicit her delicious shrieks and giggles.)

sometimes now i feel as though i can rejoin the world.

consult to come

Just heard back from the IVF nurse. She passed my note on to The Miracle RE and he is going to phone me for a "follow up appointment."

I can't believe I'm even considering this so soon. No new mother I know wants to have another baby ASAP. But I do.

convincing DH

OHW: I e-mailed the IVF nurse today.

DH: Oh? How is she doing?

OHW: Don't know - she's away from work but she says she will get back to me ASAP.

DH: She's so nice.

OHW: Yes. Do you want to know what I was asking her?

DH: Mm hm.

OHW: What the FET will involve. (Lists off the questions.) We've done this before but I forget it all and it was at a different clinic, anyway, so this one probably has different protocols.

DH: We said next summer, right?

OHW: Yeah.

DH: Well, I want a January baby. So let's do it in ... April.

OHW: (Laughs.) ("If this even works," she thinks; she knows that DH is acutely aware of the chance of failure.)

DH: Ok?

OHW: Why January?

DH: Because it's cool! That's when my daughter was born. And how many other people do you know who were born in that month? No one. (*Explanation here: it's so friggin' cold during our winters that no one who is able to 'plan' a pregnancy chooses to give birth during January.)

OHW: (Laughs.) Well, summer is good.

DH: No. (Decisively.) April.

OHW: Ok. We'll see how it goes.

frozen dreams

I just e-mailed my IVF nurse back in the Big City to ask about a future FET. Questions ranging from type to timeline to cost.

I must mean business.

DH and I talked about next summer but it wouldn't take much convincing on my part to get him to agree to do it sooner.

How about January/February? Ninja would be a year old. Hmmm...

We are not financially stable yet - although we're certainly not hurting - and this is really the only reason for any sort of delay. Our unemployment insurance and mat leave will end within 6 months and DH's business is still very new. If we had a firm income, I'd start cycling today and I know that DH would be excited about it.

What does the future hold? I hope at least one more baby.

In any case, I am forever grateful for Ninja, my sunshine girl.

milestones

So many milestones in such a short amount of time.

A few days ago, she:
-found her toes and played with them
-recognized her first word ('tickle' - heehee!)
-pulled herself up to sitting (from a semi-reclined position) and held her balance
-tried her first food (avocado)- I had planned to wait until the 6-month mark to introduce solids and we're not there yet but I wanted DH to be around for the big event; I figured that a few weeks' difference wouldn't hurt

And then today, she:
-was introduced to the sippy cup and used it successfully (to down some expressed milk) - HOW ANNOYING that she accepted the cup and not the bottle! I could've tried the sippy much earlier! Silly kid!
-kissed daddy for the first time :) - she sings a bit, then i'm expected to sing back, and then she plants her round mouth on mine. she invented this ritual. DH got it for the first time and he just about melted.

Mother's intuition (is not an old wives' tale): I told DH over the phone last week that it was good he was coming home this weekend because I sensed that Ninja would be doing a lot of new things. Was I ever right, much to my chagrin. She won't be a baby much longer, at this rate.

yesterday's phone conversation

I wonder sometimes if I have some kind of infertility-related post-traumatic stress disorder. That statue I posted yesterday - looking at it very nearly gave me a panic attack. I don't know why I posted it; it hits too close to home.

I'm not the only one in this house who feels this way. DH and I were talking yesterday on the phone. Somehow we very vaguely got onto the topic of faith. Keep in mind that we haven't attended church in over three years.

DH (sullenly): I don't want to talk about that. Not over the phone.

Me (confused): Talk about what?

DH: That.

Me: I don't know what we're talking about.

DH: I'm mad. I know we should take Ninja to Sunday School but for me to sit in a pew ... I'd feel ...

Me: Like a hypocrite.

DH: Yes. (Pause.) Why didn't God want us to have her? Why did it have to take so long?

Me: I'm pretty broken up about that, too. I don't know what to think.

DH: When my sister (who happens to be a deacon's wife) says that Ninja is a miracle, I want to say "no, we paid the doctor to make her."

Me: All I know is that she's here, so to me it is a kind of miracle.

DH: Yeah.

Me: I guess, though I'm not cool with how long it took, I'm coming to see - very grudgingly - that if we'd had Ninja when we first wanted her, we would never have had the patience required to parent her. You know how we are. Now we're old enough and wise enough to have the patience. She is the perfect kid for us, stretching us in the ways we need to be challenged.

DH: Yeah.

Me: And if we'd had a kid when we first wanted to, we would not have Ninja. We'd have a different kid.

(Quiet.)

Me: That's just the way I am trying to think about it.

DH: I don't want to talk about this over the phone.

Me: Ok.

more infertility art...

I saw this piece on a midwife's web site. I felt shattered when I saw it.



Part of the artist's statement reads: "I am truly sorry if you connect with this piece."

What else can one say? There are no words because there is nothing to contain them.

if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby

As soon as Ninja was born, I craved another baby. I missed being pregnant - the experience of new life has been awe-inspiring - and I wanted another newborn right away.

This enthusiasm has been tempered a bit. Well, not tempered. Reality just set in, I guess. DH is gone almost all the time; I don't want him to miss out on another child's life (if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby). And Ninja is a demanding baby. I love her more than I can describe but she is a very sensitive and highly-strung kid. I wouldn't change anything about her but I don't know how I could spread myself around if I had another baby so soon (again, if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby).

But, if DH were fertile, I'd still try to get pregnant again right away. I love being a mother. Now I'm more jealous than ever of fertiles.

Since the day Ninja was born, DH and I have talked about attempting another pregnancy. We'd have to fly 2000 km, back to our RE's office, to do this. We have four blasts in storage (that seems like a callous way to describe the situation!). Again, we'd go through the dreaded 2ww. It would be better this time, of course, because every time I'd get frantic (which would be all the time), I'd hug Ninja. But I still don't welcome the experience (although I'm massively grateful, of course, to have the chance to try again).

DH and I have agreed loosely that next summer would be a good time. Maybe I'll land a job when Ninja turns a year old so that I can build up enough hours to collect maternity leave again (if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby). If not, I don't know. DH's business is just a fledgling and so we don't know what our financial situation will be lik.

Although I'm undecided, DH is not. Again tonight on the phone he referred to next summer and that I'd be going to the RE. He's brought it up 2 or 3 times in the last month. All with guarded hope in his voice.

This is from the man who claimed, pre-fatherhood, that working away from home - while his newborn slept in my arms - wouldn't bother him. He loves kids but he said that our baby wouldn't need him until he/she was at least age 3.

He was wrong and he realized it right away. The day Ninja was born he was cradling her, reading to her, whispering "precious" in her ear. It kills him to be away from her - this tiny creature who looks so much like him - and he is for weeks at a time. Yesterday he missed Ninja's first tooth and he was sad about it. He told me that he'd make it up to me and her: that when she's a difficult teenager, he'll be there every step of the way. I said, of course, he can't help being away from home! He's making a living and taking care of his girls! But he feels as though he's abandoned us.

I know, if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby, that he'll do his best to start off differently. He's a good man. And now he finally understands the raging baby-lust I've had for years. For all these years I drove the IF wagon while he rode shotgun, admiring the scenery but never making a sound. Now he's the one craving another child (well, I am, too, but he's been more vocal about it). That's been an interesting transition to witness.

I think it's a testament to our characters, though. We love Ninja so much that want to have more babies with each other. That's how great our Ninja is.

work of ... ART?

I was looking through Etsy when I came across this:



The artist describes the installation as follows: "This piece is a visual song which encompasses fertility or infertility, multiple births and the ticking biological clock!"

Don't ask me how I came across this piece: I was busy looking for handmade jewelry!

first tooth!

My baby cut her first tooth overnight.

Happy girl as ever in the morning, she grabbed my hand and stuck it in her mouth, as per usual. Immediately I felt a little razor.

Coincidentally (or perhaps not) she found her voice overnight. All morning she talked as loudly as she could and she looked at me every few minutes to see my reactions. I phoned my mom and she couldn't stop giggling at the goofy background noises her granddaughter was making.

I hope that I'm able to cultivate my daughter's voice so that in her life she can always say what she needs to say. And bite back, when necessary.

It is a bittersweet thing, watching this little girl grow.