catching up to do

Expect a number of posts from me in the next few days because I have lots of catching up to do. Not so much about Ninja - although lots is always going on with her - but about infertility in general, my musings about FET, and other people's IF blogs.

First. The Misfit over at Just Being wrote an amazing (and I'm not taking that word lightly) post about the mental ramblings of an infertile woman who can't shake that b!tch named Hope.

This part got to me:

And you feel a hundred. And a part of you has died. You never cry when you get your period, you never talk about how exciting it would be if it were "this month," you eventually stopped throwing baby showers (people stopped asking you to, eventually), and finally you basically stopped attending them, but you know what the strange thing is? The hope isn't quite dead yet. It's the most horrible thing in your life. It won't let you have any peace, not even for a moment. You make career plans and financial plans and savings plans and you bravely compute futures that include no children, and buy plane tickets for nine months from now, and live in a house in the city, and spend your vacation time at work on actual vacations, rather than saving it all up for that extended maternity leave you always wanted.


And you never tell your husband, but every month, a tiny, horrible, un-killable shred of you believes against the weight of all past experience that it could be this month. And when people ask you, or say, "When you have children," you bravely say, "Well, if," or "We'll see." But you don't tell them the name you're saving for your first girl, in case they take it.


Hope is the worst thing in the world.


No, no, infertility is the worst thing in the world. Hope is second.


Misfit, that was powerful stuff and I'm deeply sorry that it had to be written. A million women have felt these words but you said them with earth-shattering style. I even had to e-mail Mel at Stirrup Queens, which I've never done before, to ask her to read it. When I finally out myself about my reproductive history - because it will happen one day and I'm going to post about that soon - I will ask anyone who cares to read your words. Maybe then they'll try to attempt to maybe empathize with what DH and I endured to bring our beloved Ninja into our lives.