doula

Today I hired a doula (a birth attendant). Doulas are tough to locate around here - they don't advertise - but I found out about this woman through a friend.

I interviewed her back in November and then couldn't decide if I should hire her or if I should go with someone my midwife had already worked with. In the end I chose her because she came highly recommended by my friend, plus she is a certified paramedic.

My midwife really wanted me to have a doula, particularly because I am planning a home birth. Midwife is really non-interventionist, low-key, and no pressure - so if she said I should have one, I thought I should do it.

Research backed up my choice. Apparently the rate of medical intervention (drugs, c-section, etc.) dips significantly when a doula is present at a birth.

DH is highly relieved about having her at the birth. Part of her job will be to keep him calm, to help him help me, and to let him know when things are going well even when I seem crazy. And if he can't make it back in time for the birth, he can rest a bit easier knowing that I'll have two midwives and a paramedic with me.

another infertile

Just found out that one of my nieces is going through infertility. It hasn't been going on all that long - they've finished the one year of trying with no results - but we all know what it's like for IF'ers around the holidays, particularly when she had to see her SIL and me heavily pregnant.

It should go without saying that my heart ached at this news.

DH and I are thinking of sharing our story with her. Just not sure.

more clothes shopping (yuck!)

If I thought maternity clothes were bad... holy cow, is nursing wear ever 100 times worse. I know I don't need clothes, other than a bra, that pertain specifically to nursing but I want to make breastfeeding as easy and anxiety-free as possible.

All I wanted were two nursing tank tops. I figured I could wear them underneath a lot of my jackets and cardigans.

Well they are stupid and expensive. They don't even fit correctly: the liners are cut bigger than the actual tops and so the fit is all bunchy and awkward.

I did buy one decent tank but that's it. I'll figure something else out!

______________________

DH says baby is starting to drop. All I know is that walking, in general, is often beyond my capability right now!

Oh my goodness, so much to get ready! I haven’t packed a hospital bag or finished prep for a homebirth. I ran around for the last 2 hours getting things together. Must do school work tomorrow. I estimate that I have 22 hours of paperwork left – on top of regular teaching duties – before I can really and truly be on maternity leave.

accoutrements for baby bums

I want to use cloth diapers – although I’ve purchased a week’s worth of organic cotton disposables – but I have been overwhelmed by the choices. I grew up with cloth diapers but that was the age of flat rectangular pieces of cotton, pins, and icky rubber pants. Now, apparently, there are many choices: all-in-ones, all-in-twos, flats, foldeds, fitteds, wool, bamboo, hemp, cotton, Snappis, and the list goes on.

What do I need? I don’t know what to get. Cloth diapers and all their accoutrements are really hard to find in my area, surprisingly, and so I can’t see much of it before I order it online. As well, I don’t want to blow hundreds of dollars on the initial supply, in case I don’t like something. Another factor is that the system has to be easy for DH to use, otherwise he’ll be a pain about it.

I’m also fussy about what I want to put on my baby’s butt. Namely because of my fear of chemicals. With a DH whose sperm are shit and with my PCOS (for all I know could be sensitive to chemical exposure), I really want to put only natural things on Ninja’s skin so as to hopefully put him or her on the path of normal and angst-free fertility. This includes avoiding products made with PUL (which makes things waterproof) because I don’t think that’s safe to use on a baby, but this choice rules out many options, including all-in-one diapers. But that is okay.

So far, I’ve bought (mostly on Ebay):
2 small fitted bamboo diapers
6 used organic cotton one-size diapers
3 Mother-ease cotton one-size diapers, plus 3 snap-in liners
12 bamboo doublers
One small wool cover

Within the next week, I need to get (mostly from the web site Parenthood by Nature):
lanolin and wool wash
nylon wet bag
1 one-size wool cover
1 or 2 small Bumgenius classic covers
24 small organic cotton prefolds (which I’ll use as burp cloths, too, as well as doublers in the future)
1 Snappi

And eventually I’ll buy 15+ more one-size diapers (unless I decide that I really like prefolds), medium and large wool and nylon covers, and a diaper sprayer. MIL says she’ll make one of the wool soakers – she was excited to hear that I’m going old-school on that.

Is this enough? Am I missing or forgetting anything? Is there anything I don’t need?

Wow, who knew this would be so complicated? And expensive. But it will save us a lot of cash in the long run. It’s good for the earth and good for baby's skin. And when Ninja grows up I’ll be able to sell the stash for a good price, considering what I’ve seen being sold on Ebay.

_____________________

DH bought me a car today. That’s exciting.

It’s an older vehicle in great shape. I don’t care what it looks like as long as it gets me around.
It’s impossible to get by here without a vehicle – there’s no transit system and most things are not within walking distance, plus the weather for ¾ of the year precludes the possibility of cycling – but I’ve been getting by without one. I was worried about how to tote baby around, particularly when DH goes away to work for weeks at a time, but now I can rest a bit easier.

37 weeks

37 weeks!

Baby is full term today.

He’s snug in my uterus and definitely had a good time at Christmas – he stayed awake almost all day for three days in a row! Kicking, pummelling my cervix, twisting, shaking his head, getting the hiccups, jamming his butt into my lungs and over my ribs. Yikes!

Made up with my parents, for the most part. They’ll never really understand what went wrong but it’s ok – I’ll get over it. I don't hold grudges. As for my brother and SIL, I think I’ll just drop it. I love them but they are emotionally on the young-ish side.

Thanks to all who commented on the situation with my AWOL brother. The consensus was not to tell my parents about that grandchild and I agree. They will find out eventually - I'm guessing within a year because bro is on FB with his new name and I know at least one aunt who is aware of his name - but I don't want to be the one to share the news.

Crazy, how much the baby looks like my mom. I wish I could keep her from finding out.

do labour patterns run in families?

Mom says I arrived a week early. Yikes!

surprise, i'm an aunt

As you may have figured out by now, I'm writing posts at home - where I'm internet-less - and publishing them here whenever I get public internet access. I'm behind in posting - entries are written but I don't want to flood you - but I have to write this particular post in real time.

I just found out that I'm an aunt. My long-lost brother's longtime girlfriend, M, had a baby in May. Exactly in the middle of my POAS and beta hell. The same time I sat frozen on the couch, bursting into tears every 2 minutes.

My brother is younger than I am and he has been AWOL for years. He's changed his name and everything.

I'm sure no one in the family knows this information except for me. The only reason I discovered it is because of accidental Facebook (yeah, you know it) reconnaissance. In this small world in which we live, M's family and DH have mutual acquaintances. I was on the FB of one of the mutual friends - I adore her - and saw that M's mom (don't even know how I remember her name) was one of her friends.

Out of curiosity I clicked on the public profile. I saw references to a 'first granddaughter' - who looked suspiciously like my brother and my dad's side of the family - and as I scrolled down, I realized that the pictures of a beautiful 7-month-old girl I was seeing was my niece.

I don't know what to say. I feel devastated for so many reasons, some of which are irrational and selfish, I know, but this is the nature of infertility:

a) I have a gorgeous seven-month-old niece whom I've never met. And brother would prefer that we don't know about her.

b) My parents don't know that they are already grandparents.

c) Our other brother doesn't know that he's already an uncle.

d) I am madly jealous. I can't begin to explain how I feel about this. I tried so hard for so long to get pregnant. First my other SIL gets pregnant accidentally and doesn't even know about it for four months (she's due in spring). Then I find out that my youngest brother already has a kid (and I promise you it was easy for them - yes I know I shouldn't make assumptions but, believe me, this is true). It's been a big deal for my parents to finally become grandparents; I thought I had this honour, after so much sweat and tears, but my idiot brother (and he really is an idiot for reasons I won't get into here) beat me to the punch.

e) Just about everyone involved is not getting along, except for other brother/wife and parents.

This would be too much for me to deal with. If I had found out about this baby when I was enduring IVF #1, a miscarriage, a failed FET, and then IVF #2... I don't know what I would have done. And if this last round of ART had failed, or if I had miscarried, I would be jumping off the ledge right about now, what with my other brother's impending arrival, as well. At the very least, I know that at the end of my teaching contract I would have moved permanently to the other side of the world.

On top of all this, I've been arguing with my parents over e-mail. Still over that stupid stuff that went down last summer. They're saying the most ridiculous things. They want to talk in person so I had said they could come over tonight as long as they weren't going to drag up things that happened 5 or 10 years ago.

This is a Family Day Nightmare Before Christmas.

As well, I don't know if I should tell anyone. I'll definitely tell DH because he'll want to know why I look unhappy. But I don't want to say anything to my parents or brother/SIL. First, I don't want to be the deliverer of that kind of news. Second, I want to have the first grandchild - the one who's there in person. If my parents know about the 'real' first grandchild, they'll be sad. Seeing my baby will remind them of the baby they don't know. (I'm surprised that I still care about their feelings when all they've shown me lately is a cavalier attitude.)

Is it selfish of me to want to keep my baby's birth a happy event? After all DH and I went through to get him here?

Yes, I sound jealous and bitter and ugly. That's what IF can do to a person. It never really goes away.

All I can think now is: what if something goes wrong with Ninja? How would I ever live?

My heart goes out to those of you who are still fighting that demon IF and who also have to cope with siblings having offspring. xxx

36 weeks

36 weeks! I’m nine months pregnant.

The midwife came to my house today. (She wanted to check out the place because we’re planning a home birth.) All was well. It was an eminently civilized medical appointment – we had tea together and I folded laundry as we were talking. From now until birth I will have weekly appointments with her.

Must remember to get car seat base installed. In one week the baby will be considered full term and so we need to get that together. DH will HATE having that base in the truck but he’ll have to get over it.

boring list of symptoms

More and more pregnancy-related side effects are kicking in. It’s all very interesting (to me). Please skip this post if it bores you (and trust me, it is boring) or if you’re feeling sensitive. I’m keeping this list primarily on the chance that I ever get pregnant again because I’m sure I’ll want to compare that situation with the current one.

-I’ve started having cm again and at least once a day for the last 3 days it has looked like ewcm
-for the last month I’ve been ‘leaking’ down there – ewwwww
-I’ve leaked colostrum once and can express it from time to time (I just have to see how it works!)
-a little bit of cramping in the last few weeks – midwife assures me I’m having regular toning contractions but I don’t feel them
-a few months ago I noticed that my nips have developed a brown ring around the rims (including several birthmarks) which looks hilarious
-I get ‘lightning boob’ a few times/week
-no stretch marks yet
-belly button is popping out
-hugely swollen ankles – but they do not hurt
-squishy and swollen feet – none of my shoes fit, nor do my socks!
-hands are mildly swollen and they hurt every morning
-I’m warm even when my students complain that the classroom is cold
-four of my birthmarks have grown exponentially since I got pregnant and I look forward to having them removed
-lots of fine golden hair on my belly
-haven’t gained an absurd amount of weight – I think I’m right on track
-my hair and nails have not grown faster or thicker
-pelvis feels very loose and sore; at night it feels as though it’s going to fall to pieces – it’s so unstable I can’t even roll over in bed
-most of my muscles and joints are sore; paradoxically, I could swear that I feel the pregnancy hormone relaxin kick in periodically because suddenly my joints all get warm and loose – it’s as though I’ve just downed two glasses of wine!
-am often out of breath for no good reason
-eyes are blurry occasionally
-had just the one episode of acid reflux, so far
-on occasion, bleeding gums after I brush and floss
-sleep is becoming harder and harder to get – every night I have to get up a few times to go to the bathroom and to drink water – fortunately, I’m starting to be able to go back to sleep after these awakenings (have never before been able to do this and so I’m glad it’s happening before the baby comes so that I get used to falling back asleep after night-time feedings)
-abdomen is not at all uncomfortable except for night-time when it really, really hurts to roll over (why just at night? I don’t get it) – and I can still bend over to pick things off the floor
-bm’s have slowed down since spring but I’m not constipated
-in the last 3 days I’ve been hungry shortly after I eat a meal (yikes, as though Ninja needs to go on a growth spurt?)
-after a five- or six-month absence, my sex drive has returned
-have a severe case of the dropsies – oh man, I’m klutzy lately!
-acne is getting better, though it still shows up in funny places!
-starting a few days ago, I’ve been needing a nap every day
-my nose is often stuffed, especially in the evenings
-haven’t really been sick – I had 2 or 3 uber-mild colds in September but, after that, nothing
-cravings – I wouldn’t say I’m having cravings but I am still eating a lot more sweets than normal (I guess it is Christmas, though…)
-my sciatic was bugging me in the first part of the third tri but I haven’t really felt it since

And, of course, my belly is huge! I look ready to tip over, only my fat ankles are keeping me grounded!

Funny thing is that I’m only now just starting to feel pregnant. None of the pregnancy symptoms I’ve listed are overwhelming. Most of them are subtle and they come and go. Right now I’m sitting on my comfy chair in my living room and I don’t feel remotely pregnant, though I will when I try to get up and my pelvis starts grumbling and the baby kicks me in annoyance and I realize I can’t see my feet!

DH asked me a cute question today: “How come you’re not taking any pictures of yourself? You should. You look great.” I guess I’ll take one tomorrow to celebrate hitting 36 weeks. (Wow, 36 weeks!)

preemptive cooking

That so-called ‘nesting urge’ is kicking in. I never believed in it until now. I’ve been giving DH supreme crap about our messy house and so we spent half the day cleaning. DH even washed the floors. He’s a good man.

I’ve started making meals to freeze for next month. I don’t want to have to cook for at least four weeks because I want to focus on the baby. I know people will bring us food but I need to be sure of a full freezer. I’m on holidays, anyway, and so I might as well use the time doing something besides marking final exams and doing report cards.

My goal for this task is to have ready a variety of food that has sufficient protein content (because I’m not a huge fan of meat) and that contains a lot of vegetables and fibre.

Breakfast dishes: eggs on English muffins, baked oatmeal, and a few other things. Heavier than what I usually eat.
Lunches: vegetable soups, spaghetti with a veggie-heavy sauce, and leftovers from dinner.
Suppers: southwestern meatloaf, taco soup, lasagna, green chile/chicken soup, turkey dinners, fish, chicken, enchiladas, pizza buns, and a few other odds and ends.
Snacks: bran muffins, banana bread, pigs in a blanket.

This ‘preemptive cooking,’ as I call it, means that our grocery bill is through the roof. (Particularly because I’m also stocking up on cupboard items and on such things as toilet paper and cosmetics.) It also means that I’m grumpy because I dislike cooking. But I think the relief of having a well-stocked freezer will be worth it.

now i'm smarter?

Wiseguy asked me a while ago if I did get my thesis done. Yes, for the most part (thanks for asking!).

I did have the defence – had to fly back to my university for that. (No physical complications except that my ankles swelled to enormous proportions!) The defence itself went well – although I stuttered through much of it, mainly because my external examiner is a huge name in my field – and I am so relieved to be done. Though I need to do more revisions before I can submit my final copy. My committee assures me that my thesis is publishable.

Yay for me. Another piece of paper to hang in my bathroom.

Will I end up doing a Ph.D. in the future? I never used to think so but now I’m feeling that it’s a distinct possibility. Don’t know how that would all work with a spouse and a child but DH says if I want it we will make it work. Isn’t he a great guy?

Anyway, the worst part of my trip was that the baby didn’t move much during the first day. At midnight I was panicking. I played loud music, drank cold water, poked his head, jumped around, but nothing. Finally, I decided that I’d drink half a litre of 7-Up and then if I still felt nothing, I’d head to the local ER. After I downed the soda and poked around in my abdomen, he finally woke up. And then, much to my relief, for an hour I felt his rage at being disturbed from his slumber.

Whew… I’ve never in my life been so happy not to be able to sleep.

lightning in my throat

Was up all night with heartburn and the burps. Have never experienced that before. Hope I did not have bad breath at school today! Haha.

there's a light at the end of ... my pants

Had a midwife appointment.

She wants to keep an eye on my painful hands. (My hands feel arthritic. I’ve heard that carpal tunnel syndrome can happen in pregnancy. It’s really, really strange.)

I did the strep B swab – I don’t think I could possibly get it, really, but I figured I’d veer toward the safe side – and I will get the results in a few weeks.

Baby is breech and seems quite happy in his current position. Midwife says that if he doesn’t turn in the next few weeks, she’ll have me – oh this sounds funny – stick a light down my pants every night and sit on the couch. She assures me that babies love light and so Ninja will want to move his head toward it. She says this technique works in 8 cases out of 10.

Yes, pregnancy means a complete loss of dignity! Good thing that the IVF thoroughly prepared me for this.

bugging ninja

Fought the baby in the afternoon. Man, it was funny. Ninja likes to stick his head behind and – I don’t even know how this is physiologically possible – in front of my ribcage. He was trying again today to displace my ribs. I got DH to put his hands on my belly (I wanted him to feel the reaction) while I pushed Ninja’s head down so that I could breathe. And DH got to feel the fists of fury! Hilarious.

Later, he told his mom what he did and she wasn’t happy with him. She lectured him to leave the baby alone!

That night, DH looked at my belly and his face melted all over the floor.

“It’s really amazing, isn’t it,” he said.

I nodded and replied, “And pregnancy’s been a hundred times better than anyone ever said it would be.”

DH turned glum and said, “That’s because the worst part is yet to come – when he’s a teenager. If he’s anything like how I was . . . ”

Oy!

prenatal class

I keep forgetting to mention that we did end up having a prenatal class. You may recall that it had been cancelled but our district made an effort to provide at least a condensed class. Much to DH’s joy. Haha.

I must say it was a waste of time, at least for me. I’ve been reading a ton of books and asking other mothers for advice – and I watched The Business of Being Born – and so I feel that that’s as prepared as I can get. How ‘prepared’ can you get for such a hugely momentous event, anyway?

DH needed the class, though. He’s in panic about labour and delivery. He’s a farmboy and so it’s not as though he hasn’t seen animals being born but he says that that is different than witnessing his wife giving birth. He has avoided coming into contact with any information about what’s normal about human birth. It was good for him, then, to see the birth videos the nurse popped into the DVD player! He turned white – which he denies – but at least now he has seen women giving birth normally in positions that do not involve lying flat on one’s back.

I was surprised to see that, of the 14 or so couples present at the class, we and another couple were the only ones going with a midwife. I don’t know if the other couples are using doctors because they want to or because they couldn’t get a midwife or because they didn’t know they had the option of working with a midwife. I feel so happy to have my midwife.

u/s

I broke down and had the local ultrasound. Despite my annoyance at the hospital’s dumb and archaic rules (e.g., no telling sex, no partners in the room until the end), I wanted to know if Ninja has anything going on that might interfere with breastfeeding, such as a cleft palate. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve been fine with refusing an ultrasound altogether.

Fortunately, the tech was not as bad as I was led to believe. She was nice. But DH and I were not allowed to view any of the measurements and tests. So I lay there quietly as Ninja tried to escape the u/s wand by hiding under my ribs. (Whoa, that feels weird!) I did get to see the babe’s face, though, when I got up to empty my bladder – I looked at the screen as I was getting back onto the bed. All I thought was: my, what a chubby baby!

Finally, DH was called into the room and the tech pointed the screen toward us. First shot was Ninja’s profile. I started laughing because he looks exactly like DH – right down to the lips and nose. DH has really distinctive lips and I’ve been teasing him that the baby will inherit this characteristic. DH said it wouldn’t happen and so when I pointed out that I was right, DH pretended to pout. (The kid's nose looks overly huge, though, which is weird!)

The tech took her time showing us fingers, toes, spine, and all that. Everything was normal and good. DH was almost frantic with excitement and kept asking the tech to point out certain things – the heart beating, the fingers curling – and to go back and show him again. It was hard to see much in detail, though, because Ninja takes up so much room in the uterus.

This was my first experience of maternal pride. Ninja got 8/8 on his first test! (In which the tech looked for things like gross motor skills, fine motor skills, practice breathing, etc.) Yes, we are proud of him already!

And I’ll tell ya: Ninja is not a small baby. He’s in the 80th percentile for weight. At 34 weeks, he is pushing 6.5 lbs and he’s got a biggish head. I’ve heard that u/s estimations of weight can be far off, though, so all I can do is laugh about it. Ninja is NOT starving in there!

I wish we could’ve found out the sex. DH did actually tell me this morning that he was ok with me knowing but I reminded him that the hospital won’t divulge that information!

34 weeks .. and finally getting the '20-week' ultrasound

34 weeks today! How strange to think that Ninja will be full term in just 3 weeks.

Think I’m starting to have contractions. A weird tightening in my abdomen, like period cramps, and I have to stop what I’m doing to focus on them. Had 2 or 3 of them yesterday.

Guess I’m not getting the ‘big city’ ultrasound, so I have to settle for one at the local hospital. It’s scheduled for Thursday. I caved because I want to know if the babe’s got any deformities, such as a cleft palate, that could interfere with breastfeeding because I’m really committed to that. Also, I want to maybe get a preview of the sex, if the technician makes an oops. DH even said we could find out the sex, that is, until I reminded him that we’re living in Hicktown, Canada, and that the tech won’t tell us!

i am an alien

So, so sore. Wow. Every muscle hurts – woke up with what felt like carpal tunnel in every ligament in my body. And feels as though I’ve been kicked 4 times in the crotch – it’s as though my pelvis is going to fall off! And my feet and ankles are so swollen, I can’t even get my feet into the ankles of my winter boots, which I sorely need right now because it is frosty outside! (I think I’m up 1.5-2 whole shoe sizes. Yikes!)

Yet my back and neck feel wonderful. I’ll take that trade-off ANY day! Overall, because my back feels so good, I still feel better now than when I did pre-pregnancy. And, to tell the truth, IVF (with the needles, dildo cams, OHSS, horrendously painful retrievals, etc.) hurt a hundred times worse than pregnancy has, at least so far. Though I just re-read my first paragraph and it looks as though I’m complaining, I’m really not. I have a detached, almost anthropological, interest in the things happening to my body because I still can’t quite believe these crazy symptoms are a result of the ‘p-word.’

Sat here – after making the first official postpartum ‘freezer meal’ – sorting through baby clothes and watching the TV show Big Love. Teenaged daughter is pregnant, decides against placing baby for adoption. Subsequently has a miscarriage: stepmom walks in on her as she cries, sitting on the toilet. Oof, I shouldn’t have watched that episode. Sat on the living room floor and cried along with her – that’s too raw for me to think about, still. I looked around at the tiny clothes around me – I know how lucky I am – I think about it every day.

my little pugilist

Today baby punched me 106 times straight in the pubic bone, every few seconds, like a metronome. It didn’t hurt but it felt very funny! DH thought that we should change the little pugilist’s name to Tyson, in honour of Mike. I said absolutely not!

baby name

I think we settled on a boy’s name. DH and I bantered back and forth via e-mail. I was supposed to make a shortlist, and then he’d choose the winners. However, though I did my part, he did not do his! I nagged him for a few weeks, and he kept giving silly excuses about why he couldn’t pick anything.

Finally I e-mailed him and said, “I think we're having a boy, and his name should be _____ _____. (Sorry, for privacy reasons, I’m not going to post it here.)

And he said “THAT’S GREAT.”

I was surprised: I was pretty sure he’d like the first name, which is traditional, but I thought he’d veto the middle name. But he didn’t!

If we have a boy, which I’m pretty sure we will, he is officially named.

apparently i am massive?

Am getting really tired of people’s comments. Wow, can they ever say and do dumb things to pregnant women. E.g., inspecting my butt to see if I’m having a boy or a girl; or one of my SILs walking into my house and exclaiming that my ankles are huge.

I felt really good about my self-image until people started telling me how massive I have apparently become. This doesn’t even really make sense to me. I was average-sized to begin with – and quite toned from the gym – and I’ve gained only around 20 pounds. You really can’t even tell from my face or from my posterior view that I’m expecting: all the weight is in my belly and, to some extent, in my upgraded boobs. So I think, realistically, that I must look normal for a woman who’s at 33 weeks’ gestation, but that’s hard to remember when all the adults around me – not the kids or even the adolescent students in my care, interestingly enough – are emphasizing my seemingly elephantine proportions. DH waves it off and tells me I look gorgeous, though, so that’s good.

Anyway, I’m GLAD to be huge – it means I have a baby growing away!

midwife appointment

Midwife appointment. DH managed to attend, and then the focus turned to helping HIM cope with labour and delivery! He was ridiculous during the appointment. He’s nervous about how baby’s getting out and so it calms him to heckle the midwife. Good thing she’s a good sport about it!

Ninja is doing well. His position is occipital posterior, meaning that he’s head down, facing out, when I want to get him to face my back. So I’m supposed to sit hunched forward, or lie on my sides, rather than lounging to try to get him to turn around in the next 7 weeks, otherwise I’ll apparently get really bad back labour.

baby shower

One of my dear friends threw me a baby shower today. Involved her family, whom I consider family, as well. They took me to the nearest REAL city for lunch at an Italian restaurant and shopping. Then we went back to her parents’ place for gifts and snacks. I wasn’t terribly talkative, since I was so tired from the week at school, but I had a wonderful time. And they gave me the loveliest things: 3 handmade blankets, a box of homemade canned goods and baking, a Bumbo (have never seen this before but it looks like a great idea), and a bunch of other stuff.

So it wasn't really a shower: it was just her family, there were no games, no decorations, and no goofy finger sandwiches. Yay! It was a million times better.

Then I finally felt in the mood to shop, so I went back to said real city on Sunday and did baby shopping. Well, really I got necessities for a homebirth. Everything from an aquarium net to lemon juice!

whoa, i'm big!

Now I REALLY feel pregnant.

Starting last weekend, my sleep started getting affected - I'm up to pee every night at 3 or 4 in the morning, and can't go back to sleep afterward. By Wednesday I was such a zombie that I had to call in sick. (Ninja had a great time that day, incidentally - he didn't sleep all afternoon, and was busy jumping around. It was fun.)

Ninja is growing and growing. He likes to push himself out as far as possible, so there are baby body parts sticking out everywhere. DH thinks this is all massively gross! Haha.

And, also starting this week, people started commenting on how fat I am. (Which I'm not, actually: I'm pregnant, not fat.) I'm getting these comments every day at work, and it makes me wonder why people can be so inconsiderate toward pregnant women. I mean, I am aware that I look very different, but there's a good reason for it, and I don't need to have it pointed out to me. A colleague actually told me that my face was "chubbing out." I looked at her in shock; she tried to clarify what she was saying, but it didn't work, and I was too stunned to respond. I don't know where the comment came from - my face looks the same as it did before. But I was nearly in tears for the next hour - I hadn't slept in two days and my classes were wearing me out, so I was hyper-sensitive.

These are not complaints, incidentally. Overall I feel good, except for the fatigue. Actually, I feel better than normal because since I got pregnant, my chronic debilitating back and neck pain have disappeared. I'll take all the pregnancy discomforts in exchange for having a comfortable spine!

And I am surprised, honestly, that these physical sensations took so long to crop up. I mean, really - I made it to week 31 feeling almost completely normal. I thought I'd feel like crap for all 40 weeks, so my experience has been amazing!

midwife appointment today

DH surprised me by showing up. Good timing for it, too, as we went through the birth plan, so it was helpful to have him there for such decisions as circumcision (the answer to which is a resounding no, by the way). DH was cracking jokes out of sheer anxiety and nervousness; I didn't realize the extent to which he dreads l & d. He grew up on a farm, so he's more than familiar with the birth process, but he says "an animal is different than a wife."

We'll see if he's even present, though. He'll likely be too far away to drive back in time, though he's going to try, of course. And even if he does make it, I don't know if he'll stay in the same room as me. I'm not too worried about it, though.

Anyway, the midwife checked out the baby, and all is well. DH was very curious about what she was looking for and why. And apparently I had a contraction while she was doing the examination, but I didn't feel it. I haven't felt any of those toning contractions that I'm supposedly having. Yay for me.

Wanna hear something funny? Cervadil (which I guess is an agent that helps induce labour) is made from pig semen. Ewwwwwww... (I did not know this, but DH sure did! the midwife mentioned Cervadil when we were discussing how to avoid induction, and DH started laaaaaughing...)

Had the worst dream!

I have the baby. It's a he. He's happy, quiet, content. Very small.

I keep misplacing him! Put him on the couch, then can't find him. Getting anxious. It's been three hours since he last nursed; I need to feed him - he must be dehydrated already - but where is he?

I dig frantically through the pile of coats and blankets on the couch. Nothing there. I go through the coats: I know I put him on the couch, so maybe he's sleeping in a jacket pocket? Nope, no baby.

And then I wake up. :(

definitely feeling pregnant

oh boy, the pregnancy aches and pains i kept hearing about have kicked in. literally. 2 days ago, ninja started giving me 'crotch zingers.' yowch!

yesterday i was officially 'uncomfortable.' sitting on a friend's couch, baby stretched out in an awkward position, and me feeling as though my period would start any minute: cramps reaching from my abdomen to my knees. went home, went to the bathroom, and then felt ok. don't know what that was about. was it a contraction?

i can't stay on my feet forever, as i've been able to do for most of 2nd and 3rd tri. get too tired and out of breath, and sciatic nerve starts grumbling.

also, i can't change positions in bed without practically standing up and then switching sides. otherwise my stomach hurts.

the discomfort pretty much all started this week, at week 30. i take an anthropological interest in all of this. i'm so grateful to be pregnant - i still check the tp every single time to see if there's blood - i find my changing body completely fascinating.

i still think i look good. i looked at myself in the mirror and thought about how lucky i am and how much i like my body right now. strange. i wonder how i'll feel about my body post birth. i hope it's not too much of a culture shock for me, even though i know a lot of yucky things are just inevitable.

on a side note, my prenatal classes have been cancelled, due to lack of woman- and man-power because of the H1N1 thing. ah well. my midwife said it was no big deal; she'd tell me what i need to know. oh i am so glad to have her - a doctor would never have the time for that!

H1N1

Got the H1N1 shot. My muscles are pretty sore, especially my pelvic area and butt. I have to walk pretty slowly. And I was so tired last night - I kept falling asleep even though I was trying to stay awake! That was a first for me.

Baby is still fine - regular movements, etc.

Anyway, I am glad I got it. H1N1 has hit our town, and at least 1 of my students told me that he'd had it. I have other students, as well, who are so sick I don't know why they don't stay home or go to the hospital.

The reason I finally made up my mind: I e-mailed the RE, whom DH and I both trust, and he said that he's recommending it for us both, as well as the seasonal flue vaccine. That was the deciding factor. He's the miracle man in our collective opinion, so what he says goes.

scaring the baby

DH and I scared the $hit out of the baby yesterday, and we're feeling bad about it! DH is busy renovating the basement, and it got really loud yesterday for around half an hour as he and his apprentice messed around with the ductwork: it felt like the floor was going to cave in. Ninja jumped around and shuddered. I felt so bad; didn't know what to do. It was too late to go to someone else's house, no restaurant was open that late, and it was too cold to sit outside. Ah, poor baby. :(

DH tiptoed in this morning to see me, and he asked anxiously if the baby was ok, and planted a kiss on my belly. I think so, but I hope we didn't traumatize him!

update

Busy busy around here. Report card time, basement renovations, more thesis revisions, and so on. Hoping to do my thesis defense before Ninja arrives; we'll see.

Found out this week that DH will be GONE in January because of his job, and will likely miss Ninja's arrival. He's trying to retool his schedule, but there aren't many options. It's unavoidable. So I plan to hire a doula; plus my dear friend, S, says she'll be there for the birth and afterward, if I need her. Nobody else will be allowed to see the baby until DH gets home. Nothing else we can do about it.

Still considering where to have this baby. Initially, my instinct said 'hospital' - even though I KNOW that for healthy women with uncomplicated pregnancies, home is just as safe, if not safer. My midwife encouraged me to trust my instinct. But now I'm thinking that home would be better. I don't want to be on a hospital timeline to give birth - the idea of having to watch the clock would make me anxious, and possibly slow my labour - plus I'm leery of all the flu-ridden people who'll likely be in the same building. And my house is not far from a high-risk hospital, so that works in my favour. Good thing I can change my mind at any time re: locale.

After much deliberation, I've decided to get the unadjuvanted version of the H1N1 shot. I've never gotten a flu shot before - and would normally not consider it - but my gut tells me to do it. DH is really unhappy about this, but I pointed out to him that my health is also at stake here, since I'm in daily contact with hundreds of germ-ridden children. I've had students so sick that I've sent them home, or even to the hospital.

But so far I am well. Nothing much to report, really. My bra in the last week has become slightly too tight, so I shifted to a maternity bra. And my sleep habits have become odd: I'm having less trouble falling asleep, but I awaken really early (like 4 a.m.!). Belly keeps blossoming, so I guess I'm eating enough!

Ninja is beginning to live up to his name. Yesterday he was pushing his head and his butt up against my lungs, and it was hard to breathe! Then, for about half an hour, he went crazy, all limbs flailing at once. I felt like a gigantic can of shaken-up Coke!

starting to feel it

I'm thoroughly exhausted after 12 hours/day on my feet.

My abdomen appears to have grown 20% in size in the last few days. And, for the first time, my belly has been uncomfortable at night - I need a pillow to prop it up.

My feet are so swollen I can hardly get them into my sneakers, let alone any pretty shoes!

I finally feel pregnant. :)

But really, compared to 99% of the pregnant population, I still feel great.

Had another midwife appointment yesterday. She couldn't get a vein for my 28-week labwork, which was hilarious. She felt awful about it - the 2nd or 3rd attempt resulted in blood spraying everywhere - but I was too busy laughing about it. I told her how many shots I took to GET this far, to try to make her feel better!

Baby was close to the surface of my belly last night - kinda curled up like a banana - so I got DH to trace the outline of the body. He was grossed out by that. Haha.

Off to get my hair butchered. I've been growing it out, but it just doesn't look good, due to the wavy texture, and it's starting to look like a 'tired mommy' 'do, which does not go with my cute wardrobe and cute bump. And I don't have time to straighten it every day. Guess I'm going short-ish again, plus I'm getting it coloured - hope it looks good. I want a low-maintenance cut for the winter, which will be difficult to achieve, since my hair is so annoying!

28 weeks!

Third trimester! There are conflicting reports as to when 3rd tri begins, so I’m going to stick with 28 weeks. Today! Hurray for Ninja!

Coincidentally – or maybe not so much – today was the first day I felt huge. Not painful or even uncomfortable; just weirdly enormous. DH and I have to hug ‘sideways,’ otherwise my belly gets squashed. It’s lovely.

I must say that I’m massively lucky to be able to stay on my feet all day. (My feet are swollen, but that’s about it – they don’t hurt – I just can’t wear my pretty shoes.) I don’t even sit down for lunch, really, and I don’t feel bad by the end of the day: just tired, but I always feel that way after a day of teaching. I said to DH about six times tonight that I’m lucky to be so mobile.

Ninja’s movements are becoming more pronounced. I can distinctly feel certain limbs, and I know where his head is (because when he’s active I can see and feel it bobbing along the surface of my abdomen!). When he makes a major shift it feels like the barometric pressure is changing in my stomach. Fantastic. A few days ago I was lying down with my laptop, and noticed that my stomach was crooked. I poked the bulge, and it was definitely a bum. So – because I couldn’t resist – I poked it until he repositioned himself … away from my obnoxious fingers. Oh, the dear babe is going to be so annoyed with me! ;)

I wonder at what point the kicks and punches start to hurt. Nothing has been painful yet, but I keep getting the “just you wait” comments about that. I’m sure it’ll happen soon enough as revenge for my intrusions into Ninja’s inner sanctum. (Sorry, babe, the sanctum belongs to me.)

Two days ago, DH already put out the feelers re: when we’re using the remaining embryos. Yes, this seems a bit premature to ask, considering that we don't yet have a 'take-home' baby, but he’s pushing 40 and he doesn’t want to be an older father. His dad was over 40 when he was born, and he’s already gone; that’s been hard on my poor DH. So this is something to think about.

pondering the heiny flu

Media hype. What to believe? What not to believe?

In my case: piggy disease. Aka: H1N1. Or, as DH terms it, 'heiny flu.' ('Heiny' meaning 'bum.' And then he laughs hysterically.)

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate?

Phoned up the midwife. One of my questions, which hasn’t been addressed by the media, is: what was the socioeconomic status of the pregnant women who’ve died from H1N1? – because if most victims were impoverished, of course they’re more likely to die. Confirming my suspicions, she said that most pregnant women who’ve died from this flu are those who were poor (i.e., living in substandard housing, eating poorly, drinking unsafe water) and/or were immuno-compromised to begin with (e.g., recurrent bronchitis). I am neither.

She also shared info on the vaccine’s ingredients, and said that if I decide to get it, I should go to my family doctor, who has the mercury-free version.

Overall, though, she didn’t express a preference one way or the other. All she asked was that I make an informed choice, because she didn’t want me to get vaccinated if I had doubts in my mind.

So now I’ll have to do some more research.

I’m getting nervous about this decision, especially since I work in a germy environment. The custodians do their best to clean and disinfect, but come on, we’re spending time with icky teenagers who sneeze on everything and share drinks and kiss each other. Today I had 10-12 students out sick.

Wonder what they’ve got.

I also asked about Ninja’s reduced movements as of late – he hasn’t been much of a ninja! – and she said it’s normal, since he’s getting less space to move around. So I’ll keep an eye on it, and if I’m not comfortable, I’ll go in so she can check things out.

names

DH decided last week that he didn’t like any of the names he picked out, so now he says that I’m supposed to create a short-list, and he’ll choose the winners. In theory, this sounds good, but I know he’ll hate everything I like! (Plus I'm a little disappointed that he didn't want to use the name of his deceased father, but I understand that would be too hard on DH to have a kid running around with his dad's name.) So we’ll see how that goes.

I don’t care for most names in general, which I know sounds odd, but it’s just that most names are so ... common ... and anything unusual often sounds strange, plus people make fun of it. That said, DH tends toward the traditional, and I prefer unique names. (We do agree, though, that we don’t like trendy names. So Makayla and Zachary are out, no offense.) I hope we can meet in the middle by finding atypical names that aren’t outlandish.

In the end, though, I don’t really care. If DH is hung up on a certain name that I don’t like, I’ll deal with it. Whatever. I just want a baby to attach to the name.

27 weeks!

27 weeks today! Apparently the baby weighs almost two pounds and he can open his eyelids. With that, I have – as far as I know – a functioning human being inside of me. With hair and fingernails and everything, which is kind of gross, when you think about it!

Speaking of gross, I told DH last week or so that if Ninja is in fact a boy, his testicles were in the process of descending to his scrotum. I barely got the words out when DH responded abruptly, “And I’ll tell you right now that he’s already playing with them.” Haha.

Very stressful day, otherwise. Ninja’s movements decreased today – I don’t like that. He was lying too far back in my uterus for me to use my new strategy to wake him. I used the doppler today for the first time in a few months, and his heartrate bounced around quite a bit. I didn’t phone the midwife, and I should have. But now that I’m lying down for the first time today, he’s moving around, so I guess it’s okay.

Plus I bungled details of my thesis defence, and it’s entirely my fault. Thank God and all that’s good for my thesis advisor, who is rushing in to save the day, and for my DH, who is not annoyed with me for dropping the ball.

bully with a licence

One of those sleepless nights again. Yay. I wish I could call in sick to work – I’m going to be a wreck tomorrow – but I don’t want to miss my classes.

Well, at least DH and I finally dtd! I did have to ask if my newly expanded frame – I’ve always had a flat stomach – was a turnoff to him, since it’s been so long. (I don’t think I’m a turnoff, incidentally: I’ve taken just as much care with my appearance now as I did before I got knocked up.) He said no, it was just that sex with a basketball belly presented a challenge, plus I’m as dry as Letterman’s wit. So experimentation with positions and a dash of organic canola oil solved those problems.

Ninja hasn’t been awake for a few hours now, so – now that I know I can find his major appendages almost at whim – I felt around until I found an arm, and stroked it down both sides. He woke up and stretched lazily for a minute, then went back to sleep.

That’s more reassuring than any doppler!

I told DH about my minor manipulation of Ninja’s body, and he’s calling me a bully with a licence (which is usually what he calls me in the capacity of teacher).

18 oct

I’ve been able to feel Ninja’s head since the first time DH located it; but tonight I discovered I can do more than that. As I type this, I’m busy bugging my poor baby. Just now, I got a pretty good grip on his head and moved him an inch to the left. He didn’t like that, and so I got a flurry of little fists against my hand. hahaha

17 oct

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Had a lovely day – and I deserved it! Sat online at the public library – despite the crappy connection that timed out every five minutes – and caught up on blogging, emails, FB, and so on. Almost finished thesis revisions, too: I have 2 pages left to write. And then I went to a thrift shop to see if I could score a few baby sleepers: nope, but I did find a sleep sack, a hooded towel, and a cap, as well as a few pretty tops and a cardigan for myself that I hope will be convenient to wear while nursing. I left for home feeling so relaxed that I wasn’t paying attention while driving!

But instead of hitting something literally, I hit a figurative target: tonight I reached a very cool milestone! DH and I and his nephew and girlfriend were watching the movie Transformers. Ninja was playing around – he’s always the most busy when I’m sitting beside DH – and DH remarked that he was definitely having a party in there. I was resting one hand on my belly. Then I nearly jumped off the couch – I felt the baby’s arm! I grabbed DH’s hand and guided it over the little bump so he could feel it, too! I poked around a bit and could determine for a moment an elbow and even a hand pushing outward.

It is the height of coolness.

I spent the rest of the movie thinking about how very lucky I am, as I often do these days.

I love being pregnant. I do. This is not just me being the ‘brave infertile’ who vowed that if she ever got pregnant she wouldn’t complain about anything ever again. I truly have nothing to groan about so far. I suppose I could bemoan the awakening sciatic nerve, the dizzy spells, the swollen feet, etc., but I don’t. I don’t really think about any of it. People give me pitying looks for being pregnant – I know, of course, that they mean well: they’re just trying to be nice because they assume I must be feeling terrible – and I can’t help but look at them strangely, because for what reason do I need sympathy? I feel so blessed.

In fact, my midwife asked on her FB what all of us, her clients, find to be the best part of pregnancy, and beneath everyone else’s complaints I wrote “Everything.” I’ve loved it all, even the weird things like poutine cravings and first-trimester fatigue and my changing body and ugly maternity clothes. Though I know that the most challenging parts of pregnancy – other than my first-trimester freakouts about the 2ww, no lines on the pee stick and the non-doubling betas, all of which were still my version of hell – are yet to come.

I know I’m lucky to have had an incredibly easy time of things: I didn’t get morning sickness, I’m still able to stay on my feet for hours at a time, and I haven’t had a drop of spotting. Ninja is kicking as I write this post, so I know he’s still alive, and I’m glad, and I love him. I’m grateful, and I am not taking a minute of it for granted.

This is my belated Thanksgiving.

parental unit trouble - steer clear if ur bored of hearing me whine about this. lol

Friday, October 16

Parents showed up today, bearing food, which I most emphatically did not want. They’re just trying to soothe their guilty consciences (and my mom confirmed this to me in the brief moment that we were alone). Good thing a bunch of my in-laws were over, helping DH gut the basement. But what a crappy Friday evening it was. It was THE FIRST TIME that MY OWN MOTHER has seen my new house, even though she lives 20 minutes away. Because she only has time on Sundays, and Sundays DH and I are usually away. So finally she decided to make time on a Friday night. Hurray for her.
And then they had the nerve to give me a note on which they wrote 2 cheesy quotations about the preciousness of daughters. Mm hm.

The Misfit inquired as to why my parents are being like this; specifically, she asked if they were elderly and/or infirm. They are, in fact, neither. If they were, I would never have expected anything from them. They are simply very hung up on:

- their jobs (which is actually fine with me – I think most people are this way),
- their church (with which I have some difficulty, since I feel that they’d sooner run to help a sick fellow church member than an ailing daughter),
- and their stupid hobby farm (I don’t have an issue with animals coming #1, since, for instance, you can’t exactly ask a milk cow to wait; rather, it’s their attitude toward the garden and the yard that make me angry, since hoeing and picking raspberries and mowing the grass were FAR more important to them than their pregnant, sick, and overworked daughter, and it has always been that way with them; they never even came to see me once in the years I lived in another province, just because they were too busy).

Also, Mom decided that running Dad’s errands were more important because He is her Spouse and therefore Must Come Before All Others, no matter what.

They can say sorry until they’re blue in the face (which they haven’t done, incidentally); the fact of the matter is that they don’t have time for me except on Sunday afternoons, and that won’t change until they are elderly and infirm.

(As far as my brother and SIL go, I don’t know what their problem is. I haven’t even seen them since the August debacle. They’re also more likely to help a friend or a church member than their own family. Which is so ludicrous to me, considering that I’ve always dropped everything to help them whenever needed. In fact, they had a huge monster of a problem facing them – I can’t go into details because it’s a legal matter – and it was only solved when I stepped in – and dropped my own work in the meantime – to get the job done. There’s gratitude for you.)

That’s my ‘cat’s in the cradle’ story. My parents are pretty shortsighted, if you ask me. Wait a decade or 2 until they can’t keep up with their precious yard – there isn’t even anything special about this acreage, incidentally: it’s just acres of grass and a house and outbuildings in need of repair – and then they’ll want me around, and they’ll be pissed if I’m not. And it’ll be, of course, my fault.

I don’t think they realize what they’ve done. I was planning to keep a garden at their place – I thought this would be great for Ninja, too – and they’d told me, after thinking about it a while, that that was ok. However, I’ve realized that this will not be possible, because they will expect me to be there every day in spring and summer, working on both my plot and the rest of their garden (which is huge – it’s a mini-field, and even though they use only about half of it, they still hoe and till the unused portion, for whatever dumb reason), and they’ll bitch about it if I only go once/week (which is really all that’s necessary, and likely all I’d be able to accomplish with a newborn).

As well, I don’t want to go to their house anymore, even after we make up, because my mom has (for the last time) made me feel awful about supposedly ‘leaving a mess’ at their place, even though I DON’T! My parents have told me this since I was a kid – that I’m difficult to deal with because I don’t clean the house enough (even though I always did the majority of the housekeeping since I was around 11 or 12 years old). I don’t want to be there anymore because I’m too afraid of leaving a crumb on the floor or a dirty cup in the living room. So now they’ll be upset that we don’t drop by anymore, and they’ll be doubly hurt that I’m not going over there with Ninja. Well, what do you expect? Babies and toddlers are messy beings, and I don’t want to have to run around in paranoia that I’ve accidentally left a Cheerio somewhere (my parents are really that obsessive about cleanliness). So if they want to see the baby, they’ll have to come to our place, and they will just have to deal with their hurt feelings over this.

I also feel that I, as a new mother, won’t be able to depend on them if I suddenly need help. If I get postpartum depression – for which I know I’m at risk – I will have to turn to my friends and my inlaws, first, because I know they’ll drop whatever they’re doing to aid me, and I really don’t know if my own family would find the time. I’d like to think that they would, but I’m not sure.

I’m pissed off that they’ve put me in this position. I wanted to spend lots of time at their place with my husband and their grandchild. That was the main reason, in fact, why DH and I quit our jobs and moved back home. I even agreed to live in this hick town in a house without a garden because I thought I’d be at my parents’ place regularly so that Ninja could run around, play with animals, grow food, tinker with vehicles, enjoy the night sky, go dirt-biking, shoot gophers, get to know his grandparents, etc. But that is not going to work if the three of us are uncomfortable at their place.

I don’t know why they had to do this. If I’d known this would happen, I would not have moved back here, and I certainly wouldn’t have purchased this house. DH and I had planned to go abroad, actually, to a country that is desperately short of people in our particular fields, and have the baby with us, but I convinced DH otherwise because I thought that my family would want to be involved in my pregnancy and in my baby’s life. Boy was I wrong.

oct 15

2 a.m. Can’t sleep. Don’t have TV or internet hooked up yet – hence the reason for my chronically delayed posts – and I read tons at my job, so I have nothing to do. I refuse to do schoolwork at 2 in the morning, not when I’ve already put in a ten- or eleven-hour day. Can’t do errands, obviously. Have five thousand little must-dos, but can’t do them without using internet or phoning people or driving around. So here I am.

I can’t even blame the baby for the insomnia – my hips don’t hurt anymore and he doesn’t kick hard enough to bother me (yet). It’s just part of my stupid sleep disorder – my mind is racing like crazy and I can’t shut it off, no matter what.

Yes, I know I have to ‘get used to’ the sleepless nights, as my mommy acquaintances and friends and family like to say in a most annoyingly condescending way. But they don’t have to leave the house for work the next morning and be a pseudo-parent to 70 kids, plus answer to all their parents. They also do not get the fact that I have a sleep disorder and so restless nights have been part of my life since I was a child. I understand that caring for an infant is a new game on top of sleeplessness, but it’s not as though I’m rolling in the zzzzzz here to begin with.

Yawwwwwn. Sorry for the boring post.

_______________________

Two hours of sleep and one long workday later…

Oy, I’m tired, and I can’t even blame it on Junior!

Anyway, today we got a carseat. Our niece – yes, our niece – is done having kids, and the seat expires in April but is in great shape and has never been in an accident, so she gave it to us. Right on. I’ll wait another month or so and then I’ll get it installed.

DH’s mom is starting to get excited about another grandchild (if you recall, she didn’t want to get her hopes up because of all the infertility/miscarriages/stillbirths the family has had). She told DH yesterday: “I bought something today for my baby! But I’m not showing it to you.” lol

Still waiting for my ultrasound and for the dates of the prenatal classes. I hope the class starts soon, otherwise I don’t know if DH can attend because he’s going on an extended business trip.

Ok, I should try to get some shuteye tonight.

baby on the installment plan

Less than two more weeks until I hit the third trimester. After my next midwife visit in 17 days, I’m up to bi-weekly appointments until week 36.

I realized, as well, that we’re down to double digits: less than 99 days until the EDD!

I sure hope I make it until 37 weeks, at least. First, for the baby’s health, of course. Second, though, I’d need to get that far to collect a year’s worth of unemployment insurance. I’m not counting on the money – I knew that starting IVF #2 ASAP meant that if it were successful, I’d be cutting it really close to make the minimum number of hours at work – but man, if I do qualify, I’ll be thrilled. EI is nothing close to my current salary, but it’s still a good chunk of change, and it’s a lot more than women in other places get. For me, it means that I’ll be able to keep up with the monthly payments for our ART treatments. Yes, it’s Baby on the Installment Plan!

oct 13

Stayed home from work today. DH is working on the house, and all the moldy materials that were being thrown around made me sick, so I was up all night with a migraine. (And remembering the miscarriage, but I’m pushing that out of my mind.) I hate staying home from work, but I think I could probably use a day off my feet, anyway. DH threw out the offensive materials ASAP, so now I’m feeling better.

I started doing baby laundry yesterday. Some of the tiny little things – pyjama bottoms, socks, and a little sweater – are draped around my bedroom right now, air drying, and I feel peculiar when I look at them. As in: They belong to me? I’m going to need them to dress a tiny little human being who looks like me and my man? Really?

I realize that it’s too early to do laundry for a January baby, but I want to wash the brand-new things – e.g., the nursing cover, washcloths, sleepers that people have given us, etc. – three times before I use them. From what I’ve read, most textiles in the western world are pretreated with flame retardants, and I want to wash off as much of that as possible, as well as pesticides and other ugly residue. I wish there were more organic options, especially in my hick town. Anyway, between now and late December, I’ll get everything into the washing machine at least three times.

The romance of cleaning baby clothes will wear off within another two loads, I tell ya. I hate laundry, and I know we’ve got tons of it heading our way this winter, especially since we’re cloth-diapering. But for now, depositing baby clothes into the washing machine is a pleasure – and a healing, in a way – I never thought I’d get.

first anniversary

It's been a year since my miscarriage from the first IVF. I didn't even think of it until I saw the ticker.

oct 12

I skipped Thanksgiving today at my parents’ place. I didn’t think they’d hold the gathering on the holiday Monday, since they usually want it Sunday so they can work on the yard the next day. Yes, they are really that obsessed with their stupid yard. So crap, DH and I came back a day too early from our babymoon. Mom and Dad had phoned/texted to find out where we were. I texted back: “Busy doing home renos, sry.”

This is such a dumb fight; I’m embarrassed to be a part of it.

It is true that we have to do the renos, though. DH will be away next month and probably December, too, and before he leaves, we have to get the house and backyard winterized, plus get rid of the mold we found under the drywall (it’s all over the place: insulation, support beams, etc.). I’m allergic to mold, so it does have to be done ASAP. January will not be a good time for that.

Anyway, the babymoon was fun, though no boinking was involved, sadly. DH is afraid of hurting me and the baby. It sucks. We’ve only had sex once, really, since the BFP, and that was early in the first tri. Our RE put the kibosh (sp?) on any more vaginal probing (ha ha, the irony!) in the first 12 weeks – argh for me, since my hormones were jacked up as though I were 15 years old – and then I wasn’t in the mood for most of second tri, plus we were too busy moving to our new house. So now I’m back in the mood, but DH is too scared.

We had a good time, though. We lounged in the hot tub – though I kept my core out of the water – walked, shopped, watched TV (which we haven’t done since June), cuddled, ate at some of our favourite restaurants, chatted with new people, drove around, etc. I read aloud a big chunk of Sherman Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian: what an amazing book. Reminded me of Angela’s Ashes, in that it made me laugh and cry and feel horrified, all at the same time. I highly recommend it.

And on the way home, The Contours came on the radio with ‘Do You Love Me’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x43vK0k6A2I&feature=related). DH and I like all kinds of music, including Motown, so we cranked the volume. And the baby started dancing. Really. He was throwing his elbows around in a way I hadn’t felt before – just bopping away – and as soon as the song was over, he was done. DH was thrilled at this turn of events because he is devoted to the ‘50s and the ‘60s, and so he decided that this must be a baby after his own heart. :) I loved it. We grew up in a time and place where moving one’s body in time to music was taboo, and so I hope fervently that my child is never dissuaded from dancing.

_____________________________

This afternoon, DH was busy barking into my belly; every time he did it, the baby responded with a jab. This was cause for great hilariosity on DH’s part.

I said to DH, “Quit that; he’s scared of you! Or else you’re turning him into a fighter!”

“Mm-hm,” said my smug DH.

Later that day, though, the meanie father-to-be gave the baby a Thanksgiving ‘hug’: he cradled my burgeoning belly in his hands and squeezed gently and said, “Hi, Baby.”

Beneath his gruff and goofy exterior, he has the softest heart in the world.


______________________________

Just before midnight

It’s extraordinarily painful to think of that miscarriage, one year ago today. It started on the 11th, but really I still had hope until the 12th. I wouldn’t say that I forgot, at least not in the conventional sense. I’ve had so much on my mind during the summer and fall – a viable pregnancy, new job, moving, new house, cleaning and renovations, family problems, new business – and 99% of it good, that I allowed myself not to think about it, I guess. Earlier today, though, I did remember that day, even though I didn’t recall that it was the anniversary. I remembered for a fleeting moment how much my heart and mind and body hurt. The worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t remember what triggered that memory, except that it was prompted by looking at myself in the bathroom mirror.

Now, thinking of that day as an anniversary of sorts, the first image that came to mind was the actual scene in the bathroom. Worse than any horror movie, and I was only 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Me screaming in the bathroom, and DH slumped over beside me, leaning against my legs.

Strange to think, if that hadn’t happened, where I’d be today. The feelings surrounding this are so complex; I don’t know how to talk about it further.

un-clandestine baby buying

This baby thing appears more and more real to me. Perhaps it is not just an illusion? Maybe? I’m still reticent about it all, but am formulating some plans.

Namely: bringing tangible infant supplies into my home.

Yesterday, for the first time, I didn’t panic when I entered a baby store. I went to Once Upon a Child (a store that sells secondhand baby stuff) and bought the following items on the cheap: 2 sleepers, a heavier blanket for use in the carseat, a swaddling blanket (with velcro tabs to keep the babe secure), an unused Boppy, and a hardcover picture book by Jon Scieszka (of Stinky Cheese Man fame).

Oh, and two little Gymboree caps: one pink one and one blue one. Everything I’ve bought so far has been gender neutral, and so I thought it wouldn’t be too wasteful to buy 2 caps of ‘gender-specific’ (*rolls eyes*) colours, since they were only $1.50 each. I’ll give away whatever I don’t use to the local pregnancy crisis centre. I do think that Ninja is a boy – hence my continual reference to the baby as ‘him’ – but of course we don’t know for sure. I wish I knew the sex, though: I would’ve probably bought his/her first year’s wardrobe at that place! They had great used clothes for really reasonable prices. But baby clothes are so very gender-specific in colour and design, unfortunately – even the neutral items look like they’re really for boys – so I left it for another time. DH does not want to know the sex, and I decided to honour that request, even though I don’t understand it.

I did buy something for myself, too, even though it was a necessity in our climate, anyway: a beautiful wool Gap maternity sweater (eight bucks!). Dh thought it was pretty, too, and he doesn’t normally comment on my attire. There was great stuff at that place: Vera Wang, Gap, Calvin Klein. I wish I’d known that I could have bought most of my work wear at baby item consignment stores. Would’ve saved me a few hundred bucks.

At a department store, I also purchased a secure nursing cover, since breastfeeding is really still just coming back into vogue in our area, and bf’ing moms face some scrutiny. I plan to bf publicly – much to DH’s worry – but my compromise is to cover up. I’m worried that a blanket will just slide off and that I wouldn’t notice – I’m notorious for not being able to multi-task – and so I decided that it was in my best interest to procure an official cover with a fastener. It’s cute: brown with turquoise swirls.

Bought another nursing bra, since I realized that one won’t be enough. Was wondering how sizing worked, so I decided that I’d go a size up. I think that will be fine, since even though the bras do fit right now, they have considerable room for ‘expansion.’ But maaaaan, they are hideous contraptions! They look like military gear, and they come in three colours: black, white, and beige. Calvin Klein should design a purple nursing bra.

Also got a stack of 20 cotton washcloths, since I want to use those instead of disposable wipes. I need to find a recipe for wipe solution.

And what else? I bought a diaper bag. This was my big splurge, since I’m not buying most ‘big ticket’ baby items that other western moms get. I had no desire to cart around a pink or blue bag – never mind a Disney-embroidered monstrosity – and I’ve never, for some bizarre reason, owned a real grown-up purse, and so I decided that my one big splash-out would be a beautiful purse that will double as Ninja’s carry-all. My dear friend S helped me pick out a purse a few weekends ago – a pretty Nygard bag that goes with everything I wear – and I love it, but realized that it wouldn’t be big enough. And so on the weekend I found a beautiful bag: aqua leather exterior, vinyl interior for easy clean-up, roomy, and lots of pockets. It was 40% off, plus I had a 15% off coupon, so hurray!

I showed my haul to DH after we got home from our trip, and he smiled. He doesn’t care about the actual things; he just commented: “You’re finally having some fun with this, eh?” And I nodded. Hope I’m not raining jinxes on my head.

Next purchase: diapers. I learned that a city to which I must fly later this month features a cloth diaper factory that sells seconds (e.g., diapers for which the wrong colour thread was used, or a snap is missing, etc.) – but you have to go there in person to buy them– and so I will head there to pick up our stash. (Yeah, I’m cheap, in case you couldn’t tell by now.) I wish I could just sew them myself, but I’m not astute enough on the sewing machine to make fitted diapers.

on (*gag*) 'babymoon'

Will moderate comments on the last post later - just because you guys wrote some stuff to which I'd like to respond. If I have time (hardy har). Work is so busy! I even missed what was to have been my first La Leche League meeting because it flew out of my head: I'm so all-consumed with my students when I'm at school.

DH and I are on our 'babymoon.' I just heard about this concept a year ago: the idea of taking one last trip before baby arrives. The name sounds lame to me - maybe because we never even got a honeymoon in the first place (we were broke) - but we thought it would be nice to drive to the U.S. and hang out over our Thanksgiving weekend. So that's what we're doing, and that's why I have internet at the moment. :) We did do some shopping today, but all I got was a maternity bra. It is the picture of ugliness, but seems ... um ... serviceable. Right now I'm nagging DH to go swimming with me, but he's being lazy with his TV remote and a beer.

The real sad part? We didn't even tell my family that we were going. That's how shitty this whole situation has become. Over something as stupid as not helping the pregnant daughter/sister when she needed it. I did not want it to be like this, but they are unwavering in their determination to prove me wrong, and so I don't really want to be around them right now.

Anyway, I'm at 25 weeks and 4 days. :) Ninja is fine - his antics make me laugh. I could swear I felt him this morning wiggle his toes. Twice he has responded to noise outside the womb: once when I dropped something heavy that clattered on the floor, and the second time - on the same day, actually - he jumped when he heard DH yelling in the bathroom (DH is a noisy guy). Train 'em up while they're young, I guess. ;)

I still feel fine. Belly is definitely bigger! Little nephew asked me with deep concern: "Is your ribs cracking?" hahaha I'm just zonked by the end of the workday, which is to be expected, of course, as I'm on my feet for hours at a time. I slept horribly for a stretch there - woke up every morning at 2 due to my hips killing me, since I'm not used to sleeping on my side all night - but now it's more tolerable. And I did have one dizzy spell at work on Friday, but I had been on my feet too much, so it was definitely my fault. (All the same, though, my teaching assistant nearly fainted, since she thought I was going to have the baby right then and there. lol I had to send her out of the room for the remainder of the period - to do photocopying - because she was so rattled!) Overall, I have no complaints. I am very very very lucky, I know, and I'm grateful every day for it.

I must say that I am starting to get worried about swine flu, especially after recent reports about the numbers of American and Cuban pregnant women falling ill and dying from it. I guess that pregnant women are more vulnerable to illness because of weakened immune systems (in my case, I've had 2 colds in the last 6 weeks, and before that I hadn't been sick in ages and ages). I saw that American authorities are recommending that pregnant women get the vaccine when it comes out next month, but I don't know what Canadian authorities are saying. I'm hesitant to get this vaccine, though, considering the lack of testing it's received, yet because I work in a very social environment - with kids who sneeze all over the place and probably don't wash their hands - I'm wondering if I should do it anyway. I'm going to phone my midwife this week to ask for her thoughts.

in-law is as in-law does

My mother-in-law has that way – as only in-laws do – of creating a special moment and then squelching it. lol

DH and I went to visit with her, and she was talking about how, when she gave birth to her children, it had to be in a hospital. She was required to be on bedrest for 10 days, which was protocol at the time, and she wasn’t allowed to see her baby except for hospital-determined breastfeeding times.

Can you imagine? Ridiculous, I know, but those were the times. The details she gave were fascinating, especially to me because I’m interested in the history of motherhood.

DH asked her a question about what his dad did when he came to visit her in her room. She laughed and said, “He never saw my room! As soon as he came in, he’d say, ‘Let’s go to the nursery!’ He always wanted to see his babies, even though he wasn’t allowed to hold you.”

DH melted.

Then his mom said, “Oh, you’re going to cry when you see your little baby for the first time.” (Which would have been true IF she hadn’t just said that!)

DH: “No, I won’t.”

Mom: “Yes, you will.”

DH: “Did Dad cry?”

Mom: “No, I don’t think so. Well, I don’t know, the hospital didn’t let him be there.”

DH: “Well, now I’m for sure not crying. If Dad didn’t, then neither will I.”

And now he won’t.

I know my MIL didn’t mean anything by this, but man, a sweet moment turned to stone, just like that. Now DH will be focused on not crying – even though I know he’ll have the urge – when our baby makes his grand entrance.

diapers

I just can't comprehend how much garbage my babe would be creating by using disposables (apparently diapers are one of the worst offenders in landfills - they take up tons of room and don't decompose, plus they leak human waste, obviously, which runs contrary to World Health Organization codes).

So, cloth it is. I grew up with cloth and that's what I saw most moms use, so it doesn't seem all that daunting to me. I'm sure it will FEEL daunting when I have to change a dozen diapers every day and do laundry every other day, but I won't worry about that until it happens.

My midwife recommended Mother-ease diapers. They're Canadian made and you can choose 'one fit' dipes, so that you don't have to upgrade sizes every so often. So that is certainly cost-effective. Midwife said that the moms she works with have really liked them. She did point out that the diaper will be huge on a newborn, but I think that's probably ok, since it'll be January (hence freakishly cold here), and the extra fabric will only help.

So I've bookmarked the web page and will show DH tonight to see if I get 'approval' from him. The cost of 24 diapers, liners, and covers is around $350 (Canadian dollars), so in the long run, we'll save some cash. Plus DH's mom is making a stash of old-fashioned dipes for us, so we'll have those as backup.

We shall see.

midwife appointment

Saw my midwife today. She was very comforting and - without her saying that obnoxious line "just relax" - got me to relax. Now that is talent, especially where I am concerned. lol

I gave her the family status, as it consumes my thoughts when I'm not at work.

(If bored by my family unit complaints - which wouldn't offend me at all, since I'm certainly sick of hearing myself think about it - please skip ahead to the second part of this post.)

In a nutshell, I have learned that my family is not concerned with my feelings. They are 'too busy' with five million things - the most important of which is mowing the lawn (I'm not exaggerating) - and doing what their spouses want, which trumps everyone else. (What I have learned from this? That if baby is crying and DH wants a beer, I am to 'feed' him before I am allowed to feed our baby. Because DH is My Husband and therefore his wants and needs trump everything else.) According to my familial unit, the nuclear family reigns supreme, even though that is a really recent development in our culture (and is even more recent for my SIL, considering that she hails from an even stronger 'extended family' culture). Such a recent development is this - considering that I grew up in a complicated network of family relations - that I didn't know that it had become the law.

And my parents and my brother and my SIL only have time for us on Sundays; but unfortunately, DH and I are usually gone on Sundays because that's the only day that all our friends (and many of his family members) are legitimately available to spend time with us.

DH is upset about this, too. So when my mom calls and kinda wants him to be the middleman, he says that he can't - even though he wants to - because he "has to support" his spouse, since that is "her rule." Haha. Sad.

Between me and my parents, more specifically, the problem always comes down to this: I don't clean up enough at their house. (My mom SAID this to me.) I don't mow the lawn enough, I don't help in the garden enough, etc. Despite the fact that I spent many hours this summer doing those very things. So whatever. I can't make them happy. I can't go to their house because I can't be comfortable there: I'm too afraid to spilling a peanut on the floor and 'messing up' the linoleum (again, this is not an exaggeration). I'm even nervous to take my kid there because babies are messy, and what am I going to do about that?

Either I am overrreacting, which is entirely possible, or my family is not what I thought it was.

I have begged my DH and my friends to tell me if I'm overreacting. Their response: if my family understood why I was sad about them, then I'd certainly be overdoing my emotional response. They say, though, that my family clearly does not get it, and so I'm not remiss in my feelings about this situation.

Midwife suggests counselling - she was concerned that this problem was consuming my thoughts and affecting the baby.

Please feel free not to comment on the above section of this post. I'm sure everyone's sick of hearing me whine about this - I myself am DEFINITELY tired of thinking about it - and besides, there's much better news to follow. (I must say a huge THANK YOU to you all, though, for your very supportive comments to me - they were reassuring.)

So here is a dividing line:

__________________________

I had been a touch worried about Ninja, since I felt that the movements were a bit fainter and more sporadic. Also, I have gained only 8 or 9 pounds - am not eating as much as I think I should - and was anxious that I was starving the baby. The midwife checked him, though, and laughed: she said that his heartbeat was perfect and that his growth was exactly on target. I'm not supposed to worry about weight gain: just eat when I'm hungry. Relief!

Next appointment is a month from now, and after that, I'll be in biweekly until I hit 36 weeks.

No ultrasound date yet. URghhhhhh. I insisted on getting shipped to a different hospital to have it done, since DH wants to be there for the ENTIRE thing, and so she had worked on that, but hasn't gotten an answer yet.

She also told me that worrying about buying baby stuff is pointless. She told me what I need to get: blankets, sleepers ('onesies' for you American folks), a CSA-approved carseat, and diapers. Everything else - if we need it - will work itself out, and nurseries are a waste of time and money. Ok, I thought, I can do that! (And so I'm not a terrible mother for not doing up a nursery - yay!)

I still feel great. Sleep is an issue - I'm not used to sleeping on my side, still, so I wake up all the time with my hips killing me - but that's a very lame 'complaint' in my books. I have a sleep disorder, anyway, so if my hips weren't waking me up, I'm sure my body would find some other way during my zzzzzz to malfunction. Though I must say that pregnancy seems to have elminated one of my sleep disorders - my body no longer jerks around every time I try to conk out - which is wonderful!

Job is going great. I'm exhausted by the end of the day, but enjoying my classes. Got bumped up to 100% - did I mention that? - and so hurray for extra pay!

IF Optimist asked for a pram update: nothing, so far! DH's bff is taking care of it - he's sent the pram to a premiere hot rod painter - and so the result will be a surprise for us, as well! I'll be sure to post a photo of it, though!

24 weeks

Hit viability today! :)

I told DH, and he feigned nonchalance, but as soon as I left for work apparently he phoned his mom to tell her the news.

Cute, huh?

the unreasonable rant of a 'formerly IF' pregnant woman

My brother called me today.

His wife is in her second trimester.

An 'oops.' (Despite her messed-up cycles and despite the fact that she was on the pill.)

They just found out.

I was so angry. Cried for hours.

Why is it so easy for some people? Why couldn't it have been one of my IF friends? Why couldn't it have been me, say, 2 or 3 years ago?

What if I lose my baby? What an effin horrible tangible reminder I'm going to have.

What timing. When I'm avoiding my family because they don't care that they've hurt me.

What if the last ART cycle hadn't worked? I think I would've thrown myself off a bridge by now.

I know in the long run I'll be glad about this news: it'll be good for our kid to have a cousin who will be his/her own age. For now, I'm aware that this post sounds like the unreasonable rant of a tired and overworked pregnant woman.

It's just that the 'infertile' mindset, as I've mentioned previously, is not going away.

DH and I should've moved abroad, as we'd planned. My parents would 'have' their grandchild - my brother and SIL's kid - and this family blowout would never have happened.

23 weeks, 4 days

And so close to 'V-Day' - viability, which is 24 weeks. That would be Tuesday. I.can't.wait.

DH 'saw' the baby move for the first time yesterday. My stomach bounces slightly when Ninja practices his moves, and I made DH watch until he caught it a few times. He was in an uproar over it. Let's just say that I've never had a pot belly, so the whole spectacle of his wife's animated beer gut is fascinating to him!

Ninja moves a lot more now. I usually feel him in the mornings, especially before I get out of bed and when I'm sitting down at school to do attendance. It's hugely reassuring.

Had some weird uterus action yesterday. I'm going to check online to see if it was Braxton Hicks or what (?). It felt like waves starting at my uterus that washed over me. I noticed it happen twice, late at night. My mind was alarmed, but really, my body felt fine - it didn't hurt; in fact, it was somewhat pleasurable - but it was something that definitely redirected my attention and made me feel conscious of my body. If I get it again today, though, I'm going to phone my midwife. I've refrained from bugging her about anything so far, but I think I should ask her about this.

Overall, I still feel great. No complaints thus far. Really, I'm not just saying that because I'm a formerly infertile woman who vowed never to bitch about a pregnancy. I have nothing bad to say about being pregnant. I like it. I hope that at least one of my future frostie cycles works so that I get to do this again, but if not, I know I've loved this wonderful time I've had.

Only thing tainting it is my family. It's all very sour right now. I ran into my parents at a fast-food place and had a huge blow-out with my mom, right in public view, though I felt that that wasn't the time or the place for it. What it all comes down to for my family is that they didn't and don't have time. I am very, very sad about this. I moved back home to be close to my family - I thought they'd want to help with the pregnancy and the baby - and now I regret it. If I had known this would happen, I would've stayed where I was (far away).

But, to end on a happy note, my job is great, and that sure helps. This is the first position I've held where I actually feel as though I'm on top of things. My lessons are well planned, I'm basically on top of marking, I'm able to do some extracurricular stuff, I'm getting good feedback from kids and parents/guardians, etc.

So that's the scoop for now!

almost 23 weeks! long post!

Well, I said I'd try posting from my e-mail, but was too exhausted and overrun this week to try it out! I put in a ton of hours - especially because of two evening events at the school. I woke up on Thursday morning at 5 a.m. to my first-ever charley horse (sp?) - YOWCH! - so I guess that's a sign that I need to stay off my feet.

Things are good. The school division offered to change my contract from part-time to 100% - YEAH! That makes a big difference on my paycheque, plus it means that I'm eligible sooner for maternity leave. :) :) :) Now if I have to leave in mid-December, it'll be fine. What a relief! Though I'm still going to try to work as long as I can.

Job is going really well. Admin has been hugely supportive (the principal even comes to check on me in person to make sure I'm not overdoing it), parents have been good, and the kids are fun. I have a large number of highly obnoxious boys, but that's par for the course. Good thing I actually think teenaged boys are funny, although of course a lot on the smelly side. haha

In pregnancy news, my left boob started to 'work' on Monday. I know what colostrum looks like, due to my knowledge of dairy farming (my parents keep extra cow colostrum in the freezer - stored in 2-litre pop bottles - for use on premature and sick calves), and yes, that's what came out. lol But I haven't seen any more since then. Good to know that things are working, though. My boobs are the same size as they were pre-pg - though that will change shortly, of course - but man are my nips ever huge!

Belly keeps growing. DH laughs his ass off every time he sees me. lol So I just ask, "Does this baby make me look fat?" He thinks that's the funniest thing ever. He's very grumpy, though, about not being able to hug me tight or to lie on top of me (he shows affection by draping himself all over me). So our sex life is pretty much nonexistent these days, since only 2 positions seem to work: but he hates one of them and I hate the other. lol

Ninja is not living up to his name so far, though! lol He's quiet all morning and afternoon - even if I drink Coke or coffee or orange juice - and then it's party time at night. Yesterday was the first time that I felt him move nearly all day, which was lovely. He made me giggle when he was bopping around while I tried to be Serious and Erudite Teacher. lol

My inlaws do NOT like to hear that Ninja is still for most of the day, which is understandable, given the family's dead baby history. So I try not to worry them by just not mentioning it. My MIL is still pretending that it's just business as usual - she's said to DH that she's still terrified to get her hopes up. She keeps coming across good used baby items - diapers, snowsuits, etc. - but doesn't buy them because What If. But I think DH and I are very understanding of her feelings, so that's fine.

At the same time, though, we do have to get moving on baby shopping. My first 'big' purchases will be a sling and 0-3 month diapers. Thank goodness for the bump in my salary, since DH still hasn't received a cheque since June!

I've also decided, given my family's annoying behaviour as of late, just to leave my mom out of the baby shower idea. I won't have one, then, but I'm ok with that. I didn't want it for the 'stuff' as much as I wanted the celebration of new life, but I guess all those people will come by at some point anyway, so it's ok. And as far as the 'stuff' goes, DH and I feel pretty minimalist, so we'll figure out how to take care of it. Sadly, everyone our age is long done having babies, so we won't get hand-me-downs.

Still no ultrasound appointment. And Misfit mentioned something in a blog comment: that it shouldn't be legal for a hospital to withhold medical information about me...from me! (Even though I won't ask about gender, I should have a right to find out if I wanted to!) When I thought about it that way, I realized that I am not willing to have an ultrasound there, no matter what. If I don't get in at another city - where I have full access to my own medical information - I will not agree to an ultrasound. Or I'll just pay to get a 4D done.

Supermouse brought up a great point in her comment on my last post: not to get fixated on what kind of birth I want, in case things don't work out the way I planned. I've noticed that a lot of women assume that things will go their way for their births, and they're heartbroken when labour and delivery take a different turn. With all the miscarriages and stillbirths in my husband's family, I think I've got a good handle on what to expect. Which is basically: don't hope for anything more than a healthy baby. I know what I really want - an unmedicated and 'natural' experience - but at the same time, I'm flexible. I'll do whatever needs to be done, and I refuse to beat myself up if things don't go the way I'd hoped.

Case in point: I know a woman due at the beginning of January who just had her baby a few days ago ... at 24 weeks. Things often don't go as planned. (Baby seems to be doing as well as can be expected, though, which is wonderful.) In light of this news, I gave Ninja a stern talking-to: STAY IN UTERO UNTIL JANUARY. Not as though a lecture will accomplish anything useful, especially with a kid as stubborn as ours will be, I'm sure, but whatever.

Ok, I've written enough for now!

almost 5 months!

First week of classes: great. I have Grade 9s, mostly, and they are annoying, funny, and smart. I deal well with all of those things. lol Seriously, I liked them very much, which is such a relief. But I am so, so busy. I'm technically part-time, as you may recall, but I put in at least 50 hours from Mon-Fri. Staying off my feet is going to be a challenge.

Thesis: committee loved it. Must start editing today.

House: not unpacked and yard is a disaster.

Family: thumbs down. They were/are (and I quote) "too busy" to help us with anything. I am not going to drop this, so a heated discussion is still in the works.

ANYWAY ... Baby: :)

It's hard to believe that I'm almost - fingers crossed supertight - at the viability date (meaning that if Ninja were born, he'd have a shot of making it).

My belly is officially poking out past my boobs, as DH pointed out. lol I haven't really gained much weight, though - maybe 7 or 8 pounds? The rest of my body is the same size as it was before: just my stomach is big. People are fascinated with pregnant women's bellies, though, which I never noticed before. I get stared at all the time. Funny.

DH felt the baby move, finally, for the first time last weekend. He was nonchalant about it: said it just felt like two soft little bumps against his hand. Then, on Sunday night, he was busy pushing my stomach around - as though it were a vat of bread dough, only my belly is tight - when he suddenly stopped, eyes opened wide. I felt it, too: something round and hard on my right side. The baby's head! DH got excited and started enthusiastically poking around again, when his eyes grew even bigger: he said the baby scratched him on his hand! I didn't feel that, but I thought it was wonderful. I'm glad he was the first one to feel those kinds of things. :) It's all becoming a bit more real to us.

Was supposed to have an ultrasound 2 weeks ago, but I still haven't received an appointment. We put in a request to go to a bigger city for the u/s, since our local hospital has dumb and archaic rules about doing them (e.g., they won't tell gender, dads aren't allowed in for the bulk of the procedure, you have to pay for 2 grainy pictures, you have to get undressed even though it's not transvaginal, etc.). I was not ok with DH not being in there with me for the first 3/4 of it, and my midwife agreed, so she is trying to send us to a bigger and more liberal hospital elsewhere (the reason she's giving is the IVF: she told the regional health authority that she needs a more detailed ultrasound to ensure that things are going well). Good woman! She does a lot to alleviate my stress level.

Speaking of stress, we tried to go baby shopping for the first time. That was an unequivocal failure. We spent all of 5 minutes in the store, and DH whined about how he didn't want to do any of it (well I don't really want to, either, but we are going to need such things as blankets and diapers!). So we gave up. Later, he said, "Oh man, I guess we are going to have to do this, though, eh? It's only four months away." I rolled my eyes and said, "Uh huh." lol

So that's the scoop! Now I'm off to check out some of the blogs I'm trying to keep up with! Can't do this stuff from work, as you never know if administration is keeping an eye on visited web sites. But thanks to Wise Guy for pointing out that I'm able to post on my blog from my e-mail address - I'll give that a try!

20 weeks, 4 days

I'm still alive, I promise!

Just very little internet access, still. Though I am online in my classroom, I don't want to go on my blog there, just in case Big Brother is checking which web sites I visit. DH and I are talking about not getting internet at home, just to save time and $. We'll see.

Physically, I'm still great. DH keeps giggling at my belly. He thinks it's funny, but he loves it (he even thinks I look hot, which I love!).

He still hasn't felt movement, though, although I've felt kicks externally for a few weeks. Every time I put his hand on my belly, the baby freezes!

Thursday was the first (and only, so far) day that I FELT pregnant. I was really short of breath all day, had to walk very slowly, stop and sit every so often, and had abdominal cramps. So I drank lots of water and took it slow. It was an interesting feeling.

Stressed, though. Had a good cry in my midwife's office about my unaccommodating family, which helped, though I'm still angry at them. I haven't seen them in 2 weeks - my mom still hasn't seen my new house, incidentally, though she lives 20 minutes away - and I know I'll have to deal with it soon. Yuck.

Plus work is crazy. My schedule kept changing, so I didn't know what I was teaching. I've been working for the last few weeks, getting ready for the start of the school year, but I'm still not nearly at the point I should be. I'm a little worried about overdoing it next week. On my first day with the kids I have no prep (I have hall duty), plus lunch duty. Good thing I'm active, anyway, so I'm in decent shape, but still.

Anyway, eye on the prize. I hit 20 weeks last Tuesday, so I'm over halfway there! I found out that as long as I work a minimum of 600 hours, I will, in fact, qualify for the full 50 weeks of employment insurance that the government offers. So - fingers crossed - if I work until Christmas holidays, and then somehow get in another 12 hours after that, I'll qualify. Hurray, hurray, hurray.

My midwife gave me a few books by Ina May Gaskin, a renowned midwife. One was called Spiritual Midwifery, and I can't remember the other title. They were fascinating. Very hippie-ish (e.g., I smooched my man through the rushes and it was so groovy! I felt like a monkey!), interesting and enlightening. A different way of looking at labour and delivery, for sure, and I'm into that.