a MEME (please avoid if feeling sensitive because it really is about me-me)

Shamelessly stolen from Loribeth over at The Road Less Travelled who is one of my favourite bloggers, btw.

I figured I've been gone so long that I probably need to reintroduce myself - what better way than a meme.


1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I've never done resolutions before but 2011 will be different. I've resolved to lose weight, for one thing. I actually put on weight since Ninja was born and that is abhorrent to me. I've rejoined the gym for the first time since I got pregnant with her - yay and hurray! Will get started - with a personal trainer - next week.

2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Had a baby. A fascinating and labour-intensive (pun intended) experience.
I graduated with my master's degree.
I bleached my teeth for the first time. The pearlies were not so pearly anymore because of my yen for espresso.
Dyed my hair dark because I'm going prematurely grey. Sigh.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My bff, my brother and sister-in-law, and I discovered that my other brother - who is estranged - had a baby with his now-wife. If I hadn't had Ninja, I would either have moved to New Zealand or jumped off a cliff.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A good friend of mine died suddenly. Only the good die young.

5. What countries did you visit?

The good ol' USA.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Energy and good health, a published thesis, and quality time with my DH.

7. What date(s) from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My daughter's birth day. Also, the day last summer when the 3 of us went swimming in the rain - it was perfect. It was poetry in the water.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Giving birth was a huge accomplishment - labour was worse than anything I could ever have imagined.
Nursing for almost a year now. Wow, what a commitment that is. It's a special bond between Ninja and me and it has taken months and months of hard work to get to this point.
Also, graduating with my master's degree - that was a huge deal to me, as well. I'm from an area that doesn't exactly value post-secondary education (let alone graduate work) and so my act of academia was a revolution/rebellion, of sorts.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Gaining weight.
Not writing.
Not educating myself about babies and sleep before Ninja, the Sleep Atheist, came into my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Got mastitis. That was not a picnic. It felt like the worst case of flu ever.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

U2 tickets!!!! Woot!
Christmas presents for Ninja.
Some good nursing bras - pathetic but true.
Also, I bought an e-reader and I like it a lot.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My own. I basically raised Ninja for the first 6 months of her life - while DH was away for work and while we were living in the middle of a gutted house - and I think I did a great job. Especially considering the fact that Ninja doesn't believe in sleep. Oh, and considering that she went on nursing strike for about 3 or 4 months. And considering that I had a c-section and so had to recover from that, as well. I held it together despite it all and I'm proud of myself for that.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

I was appalled and depressed by the behaviour of the sister-in-law who outed me re: infertility and IVF.
And I agree with Loribeth: "The ignorant commenters on any newspaper column dealing with infertility, who think we should all get over ourselves and 'just adopt.'" Well said.

14. Where did most of your money go?

House renovations, living expenses, and BABY. But it's fun to buy baby stuff, I'm not gonna lie. Especially clothes!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Having a daughter. Boy (haha), was that ever a shock! We were convinced that we were having a boy. We are thrilled to have a little girl. She has my DH's heart by the nards (sorry for the crude wording but it's the truth).

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Again, agree with Loribeth: "Waving Flag" by K'naan (sp?). "When I get older, I will be stronger..."
I try to avoid Justin Bieber, that's for sure!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Happy at both times. (b) Definitely fatter and that irks me to no end. (c) Definitely poorer although we have more property now, I guess.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Wrote. Learned more photography skills. Organized my disastrous house. I also wish I had had maternity photos taken.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Argue with DH. We can certainly be the Bickery McBickersons!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With family. Five gatherings. I hosted one of them.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes, with my daughter and again with DH (seeing him with her in her first few days of her life - made me melt).

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Colbert Report. Also love Jon Stewart, Desperate Housewives, The Tudors, House, The Soup, The Office, Mad Men, 30 Rock, The Bachelor. I don't watch much TV, though. Lately the only show I can keep up with is Desperate Housewives.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year?

I'm still ticked off at the SIL who sold me out about infertility and IVF. She has never apologized to me or even bothered to address what happened. I certainly do not hate her - I've always gotten along well with her and she is a good person - but I'm hurt about what she did to me.

24. What was the best book you read?

The Book of Negroes was really good.
Yesterday I read The First Part Last, a young adult book by Angela Johnson. It packed a punch but I don't recommend it for IF'ers (it's about teenagers and pregnancy). Johnson is an outstanding writer, though, of realistic fiction for teens - her prose is touching and poetic. Some of the best books coming out now are 'young adult' picks.
Right now I'm reading A Lesson Before Dying, War and Peace, and The Annunciation of Francesca Dunn.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm out of touch with all that, sadly. Have been listening to a lot of CBC Radio One lately. I'm getting into Arcadefire (sp?), though.

26. What did you want and get?

My cherished baby. Wowzers, babies are a ton of work - the accompanying housework is endless - but she is lovely and hilarious.

27. What did you want and not get?

A 'natural' waterbirth at home but I got Ninja and that was all that mattered to me although a comfy (even orgasmic, in the words of Ina May Gaskin) homebirth would have been great. But I'm okay with how things turned out. My midwife is worried that I'll change my mind and get depressed with the turn of events (emergency c-section) but it's been almost a year now and I feel okay.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

I don't think I've seen a movie this year. No time, plus I'm not really into movies. Although I really wanted to watch SATC - the sequel - but it looks banal.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I don't remember what we did! Nothing, most likely. We were probably busy moving into our new house.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I wish DH had been present for the first half of Ninja's life. I also wish we weren't doing house renovations. And I wish, as aforementioned, that I'd educated myself on babies and sleep before Ninja arrived - she just won't ever go to bed. It's all too much for me right now.
We'd wanted to try FET this spring but I don't think it'll happen for a while because Ninja is a very spirited and high-needs kid. Every hard-won nap - she'll consent to only 2 per day although I usually try for 3 - takes 40-60 minutes to get started, and often much longer, and she stays asleep for only 10-40 minutes. My life right now centers on getting her some much-needed rest. She'd get shafted if another baby were in the picture. Although who am I kidding?: our chance of success at FET is only 15%, at most. I'm dealing with that, too.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I got to wear colour again which made me insanely happy. I found maternity clothes so blah. As soon as I was able, I bought and wore clothes in the most outrageous colours! Other than that, I'm just trying to keep a sense of style. I don't want to get caught in typical 'mom' clothes: high-waisted jeans, teddy bear sweaters, scrunchies, etc.
And it was a year for hairstyle changes. Particularly colour. Man, was I upset when I realized recently that I was going grey - not just a few hairs, either - and that I'd been grey for 3 or 4 months and hadn't had time to notice!

32. What kept you sane?

My daughter's smile.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

George Clooney. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I was out of the loop although I'm usually very interested in politics. Local politics about breastfeeding and midwifery definitely caught my attention and I got involved in the issues. I'm proud to report that I made a difference.

35. Who did you miss?

My babies who couldn't stay. Also my grandma.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Can't think of anyone off the top of my head. I don't get out of the house much anymore!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Life isn't about fairness. Nothing about life is fair. I no longer think 'that's not fair' when I hear about pregnancies and babies. I'm just wistful and envious and then I try not to think about it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Another one bites the dust, but in a good way!

the heart does break

On CBC Radio One I heard an interview with Jean Baird about an edited collection of essays entitled The Heart Does Break: Canadian Writers on Grief and Mourning.

Blurb: A book in which some of our best writers address their own losses - and help us endure our own…

A heartbreaking, comforting and beautiful collection of true stories about grief and mourning from some of Canada's best known writers.

When Jean Baird's daughter, Bronwyn, died suddenly, Jean's deep instinct was to turn to books to help her in her time of sudden loss. Although she found that the thoughts of counselors, psychologists, Buddhists, and self-help gurus were perhaps some help, the works that truly reached to the heart of the matter were by literary writers, largely from the UK and the US. Scanning the Canadian landscape, Jean and her husband George Bowering found elegies and tributes, but little from our writers about the person who is left behind to mourn or what it takes to endure grieving. The Heart Does Break - an anthology of twenty original pieces - sets out to fill that gap.

I haven't read the book but I plan to and I thought it sounded relevant to many people who've dealt with infertility and baby loss.

This isn't to say that we all want to read things that echo our personal experience. (I've had a miscarriage, for instance, and the last thing I want to read is someone's m/c scene. It wouldn't make me feel better to know that others have gone through the same thing, or to relive it through literature.) But some people do. And, in that case of people who do, I thought I'd pass this along.

Reviews:

NATIONAL BESTSELLER

"Read this book - for enlightenment and entertainment, for good writing about a tough subject. If George Bowering's and Jean Baird's anthology were a feature film, it would receive innumerable thumbs-up and all the stars."
- The Globe and Mail

"Readers will be struck by the level of emotional honesty. . . . Readers who have mourned the loss of someone dear will find solace and validation within the pages of this anthology."
- Winnipeg Free Press

"It might well prove of comfort to the bereft, if only for the variety of experiences these authors have endured."
- National Post

"A fine and powerful collection that is, in places, impossible to read without crying."
- The Gazette

"All the stories are well written and all are worth reading."
- Ottawa Citizen

update

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments.

SIL did not respond. So that's that. Guess I'll see her at Christmas.

I really and truly do forgive her but I'm still sore and I still will never trust her with sacred information.

I do not know how she found out about the IVF, specifically. Someone - can't remember who - asked me in the last post if she possibly found out about my blog. I sure hope not.



And dear Anonymous: Any comment on an 'infertile' blog that begins by saying "maybe this sounds mean" is - you guessed it - out of place and mean. Way to blame the victim. And way to be a hypocrite, too: you're criticizing me for wanting anonymity while you responded to me behind the cloak of Anonymous. Go away.

here is what happened

my sister-in-law 'outed' DH and me. remember, we've been super-private about infertility. well, she blabbed about our infertility AND about our IVF (i don't even know how she knew about the IVF!!!!!!!!!! - i never told anyone IRL that i did IVF to get ninja!).

the only reason she knew about the infertility at all (in vague terms) was because our geneticist wanted DH and i to ask her about a syndrome her stillborn daughter had in case it affected our potential offspring. i trusted her because she's been through 4 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, and so i figured she'd understand my request for confidentiality.

nope, she didn't. SHE TOLD HER PRAYER CHAIN AT CHURCH! and not even in vague terms but in sordid detail!

now keep in mind that we live in smalltown-land where we all know each other.

so a woman i don't even know asked me point-blank today about doing IVF. she had been in that prayer chain. she and i have a whole bunch of mutual friends, including her daughter who works at the school where i hope to be employed in the new year. so, yeah, everybody knows.

i am so angry and hurt. i had many reasons for keeping IF and IVF a secret:
-it gave me some control over a powerless situation.
-most people i know will not agree with the ethics of IVF and there will be a backlash that will affect not only dh, ninja, and me but also our family and friends.
- i do not want dh getting teased about his mf infertility.
-i do not want ninja getting harassed for being a 'test tube baby' (which is a misnomer anyway).
-i just don't want to field questions about it in general, or get asked about when we're going back for the frosties, or if we're 'trying.' i do not want to discuss it. it hurts me too much.
-and i don't want judgement rained down on my head if we don't attempt to use all 4 frozen embryos (because that would mean that we are baby killers).

but SIL told her prayer chain at church. because apparently letting the prayer chain IN A SMALL TOWN know is more important than respecting my repeated requests for silence.

what right did she have to hijack my life and to tell my story on my behalf??????????

(this isn't the first time this has happened, as well. another SIL didn't respect my dh's wishes for confidentiality about my miscarriage, if you recall, and she went and did the prayer chain thing ... and included my mother-in-law.)

dh phoned her to see what happened because i am too ticked off to talk to her. she started crying on the phone and said that it was just for prayer support.

how come so many christians use 'prayer support' as an excuse to gossip??????????!!!!!!

i am so turned off of 'church' and 'christians' as it is and this has not helped matters.

she and i will have it out about this. i will never be able to trust her again. she was going to be ninja's godmother - now, forget it. i need someone i can trust to do that job.

yep, i'm out

The scene: OHW sits in medical clinic waiting room with Ninja who has a bad cold. An Unknown Woman nearby keeps looking at OHW.


UW: I think we know each other.

OHW: I don't think so. I'm _____ from _____. My parents are _____ and ______. (This is common smalltalk where I'm from because everyone knows each other for miles around.)

UW: No, that's not it. I know your husband from ______________________, and that's how we know each other. We came to your father-in-law's funeral.

OHW: Oh, I see, so you also know ________ and ______ and _______.

UW: Yes. And some of your in-laws because they go to our church.

OHW: Ah, I see.

*Chit-chat*

OHW: Oh, ______ is your daughter? We were friends, actually, and she worked for me once upon a time! We may be working together again in the new year, actually.

UW: Oh my, what a coincidence! It's a small world!

OHW: It certainly is!

*Chit-chat*

UW: Anyway, we heard about your IVF.

OHW: My what?

UW: How you did IVF.

OHW: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

UW: You did fertility treatments for years. Your SIL said that you did IVF. You moved to _______ for it.

OHW: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

UW: Yes, your SIL told us about it.

OHW: I'm sorry, I don't think so.

UW: Oh. (Confused.)

*Nurse calls OHW and Ninja into doctor's office*

UW: Well, nice chatting with you.

OHW: Same.

infertility and facebook

If you're infertile, Facebook hurts. The pregnancy announcements, the ultrasound pics, the 'woe is me' status updates, etc. Heck, my niece even posted on Facebook a play-by-play of her labour and delivery!

Julie over at A Little Pregnant posted a great entry about being infertile on Facebook. It's a response to a Washington Post article about the topic. Julie's mock Facebook status updates in this post are riotously funny and painfully true.

Loribeth (of The Road Less Travelled) wrote an interesting response.

Ah, Facebook. I love it and I hate it.

af

i did ovulate last week and it hurt like an SOB. it was a double-barrel, too: both ovaries were aching.

i wanted to bd but that didn't happen. i was disappointed. we haven't missed a baby-making opportunity in years.

as it turns out, it would've been a lost cause. i got my period today - just a week after ovulation. what a short luteal phase! according to kellymom, i have 'ovulation without luteal competence.' so there ya go.

pcos=milk oversupply?

ah, this makes me feel sour, no pun intended!

i knew, going into motherhood, that my pcos might result in an undersupply of milk.

however, for the first 6 months of ninja's life, i had an oversupply of milk. it led to her copious daily vomiting, lost sleep (because she'd throw up once or twice before nursing to sleep), and other things such as me leaking through everything all the time.

with the help of jack newman's breastfeeding book, i realized - FINALLY - what the problem was and i figured out on my own how to fix it (i had to pump once or twice a day until i was dry - then feed baby).

today i happened to come across research suggesting that in women with pcos, an oversupply can result (and in a rather large percentage!).

AGHHHHHH. would have been good to know that going into all of this! i mean, i'm glad i had too much rather than not enough but it would have been nice to avoid it by being proactive. but breastfeeding isn't exactly out-in-the-open common knowledge and so how would i have known that?

mommy moments

ran into a former colleague (the one from a few months ago who b!tched about being a mom). she's expecting again. yay for her.

**************

my dh's employee is 18 years old. so is his new wife. they are 'trying.'

**************

i have a cousin, A, who, despite her love for animals and her volunteer work in palliative care, is missing a sensitivity chip. we bicker on Facebook over spanking (i'm con, she's pro), how old the world is, SAHM vs 'work out' mom, etc. she says some things that make me feel absolutely incredulous. i think i blogged about her a few weeks ago (re: the spanking issue).

anyway, she just said the dumbest thing online.

A's Facebook status: I can't believe I'm turning 30 in a few weeks! I'm getting old!

Our mutual cousin, S (dealt with infertility her whole life and has never been able to sustain a pregnancy) comments: i'm looking forward to my next birthday, and i'll be 40...But, have never felt younger than i do these days...

A: What's your secret? Not having kids maybe? LOL

S: very close...having a hysterectomy

A: LOL Well I don't wanna do that. lol

yep, i wanna smack her, too. my dh, who normally doesn't swear, let out a string of expletives when i told him about A's latest online misdemeanour.

**************

ran into another cousin today. she's open about her infertility and baby loss (one live child, miscarriages, and one stillborn child). she mentioned that her RE had given her the green light to try again. IVF was supposed to be the best option but she didn't want to go through with that.

ah, i wanted to tell her. but i couldn't.

then she mentioned her reasons against IVF (excess embryos, playing God, etc.). including what public opinion would be if she tried it.

every reason why I am NOT open about my ART experiences. i'm glad i kept mum, at least for now.

she wondered sadly if she needed to accept that she had a one-child family.

i said fiercely that she needed to do what was best for herself. i added that i was happy for her green light and that she'd be in my thoughts. she smiled gratefully at me. she probably thinks she's the only one. if she only knew.

love

i just went into our room for the third time to put my little girl back to bed (a common occurrence). i lay down beside her. lying on her tummy, she propped herself up to examine my face and touch me to see if mommy was really beside her. with a sigh, she snuggled into my side, stretched out her arm, and fell back asleep.

this child barely naps and she doesn't sleep well at night, either. i could have jumped up and finally had some time to myself (which, really, i need and desire). but it was too sweet to lie in the dark, listening to the radio, and cuddling with my almost-9-month-old daughter.

i've always heard parents say that they didn't know what love was until their children were born. that they didn't understand the force of parental love until it smacked them in the face. that the waves of love came upon birth; or that they developed over time.

i can say unequivocally that my maternal feelings are the same as they were before she was even conceived. i never experienced a sudden 'aha' moment about my feelings for my daughter. when i first laid eyes on her, i simply thought, "oh, there you are!" i loved and wanted her passionately. i always have, i still do, and i always will.

ovulating?

i think i'm ovulating. all the signs are there.

i didn't think it would come so soon. but ninja is starting to gum down her solids, i've cut back on night nursing, and yeah. according to the la leche league, it's not that surprising that my fertility (ha) would return.

i don't want to deal with this. i know exactly what i'll do when my cycles resume: still try to get pregnant 'naturally.' and i'll be disappointed every single time.

at least it won't be as bad as before. i've got ninja. but still.

Nobel Prize for Medicine

Congratulations, Robert Edwards. We are grateful.

Also, I saw another interesting story on new developments in IVF research.

work? or sahm?

might be going back to work in january. i am so conflicted about this (as is every new mother, i know). my old principal recruited me. i loved working with her. and now that i have a graduate degree, i'd get decent pay.

pros:
-$ (my maternity leave runs out in january and dh's paycheque is barely enough for us to live on)
-i like the school
-i could get out of the house every day - i get so claustrophobic every day
-ninja would be exposed to other kids
-ninja would spend time with my mom and would pick up one of our native languages
-i could still nurse ninja during most noon hours

cons:
-that much time away from ninja?
-the winter drive is wicked
-no sleep (ninja wakes up 7-12 times/night)
-no free time whatsoever
-will i find good daycare? will a spot even be open?
-would ninja adjust? would she nap at daycare? would she cry all day for me?

i have 2 or 3 weeks to decide.

explanation

i live in a bible belt. i won't say which denominations are popular but several are pretty hardcore.

spanking kids is still considered normal here. i was spanked as a kid, even though i don't feel that it helped me at all; in fact, i think it delayed my development. (i am afraid of authority and i'm nonconfrontational to the point of having to be passive-aggressive at times although i've really improved in the last few years.) i could be reasoned with although no one ever took the time to do this.

i'm not criticizing my parents, though. they did what was popular at the time. besides, their brand of spanking was 'lite' compared to the abuse my dad took when he was a kid. incidentally, my parents now say that, if they were to parent all over again, they would not spank.

i do not believe in spanking. i'm into attachment parenting, peaceful parenting, or whatever you want to call it. to me, it's just common sense - to read a baby's/child's cues and to respond appropriately - but apparently i'm in the minority. anyway, whatever. i don't mean to start a debate on that point. i know this is a loaded topic.

my cousin - the one whose baby was due two days apart from my first baby (whom i subsequently miscarried) - posted something on FB about reading the book 'To Train Up a Child' by Debi and Michael Pearl, part of the cohort of 'christian baby trainers' (a kind of christian author who is in favour of rigid schedules, cry-it-out, spanking, etc. - not all christians are like this - see the Sears books on parenting, for instance).

i'm on an anti-pearl FB group because their book amounts to no more than a child abuse manual. if you believe in hitting an infant, go read and follow that book. yep, it's that bad. they are crazies. and their book has sold over a million copies. scary.

here are a few quotations:

-On p.79 they recommend whipping a 7 month old for screaming: A seven-month-old boy had, upon failing to get his way, stiffened clenched his fists, bared his toothless gums and called down damnation on the whole place. At a time like that, the angry expression on a baby’s face can resemble that of one instigating a riot. The young mother, wanting to do the right thing, stood there in helpless consternation, apologetically shrugged her shoulders and said, “What can I do?” My incredulous nine-year-old whipped back, “Switch him.” The mother responded, “I can’t, he’s too little.” With the wisdom of a veteran who had been on the little end of the switch, my daughter answered, “If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be spanked.”

-On p.56 Debi Pearl trades blows with a 2 year old: This time, her bottom came off the couch as she drew back to return the blow; and I heard a little karate like wheeze come from somewhere deep inside.

-The Pearls recommend pulling a nursing infant’s hair (p.7): One particularly painful experience of nursing mothers is the biting baby. My wife did not waste time finding a cure. When the baby bit, she pulled hair (an alternative has to be sought for baldheaded babies).

(thank you to Why Not Train a Child for the quotations.)

my cousin is hugely into this kind of thing. she quotes scripture on it and her interpretations would do the pharisees proud. i know all the references. i grew up in a church like hers. i used to believe in all of that discourse. i don't anymore. i even spent a chapter of my thesis critiquing my culture's beliefs about corporal punishment.

i went in to my bedroom, held my sleeping daughter, and cried. i vowed to her that i will never, ever treat her with anything less than respect and love. i will be hugely firm and consistent with her. i will do my best to teach her how to mother her own children.

i had to say something to my cousin. other people were reading what she said about the book and i had to at least try to protect the innocent children out there whose caregivers might actually read that book because of seeing it on FB. i gave examples of the abusive techniques espoused by the pearls. i called that book out as a child abuse manual and i cited references.

my words incited a FB war. i got laughed at and i was quoted-scripture-at and i was accused (most ironically) of misquoting and misinterpreting. i haven't returned to the conversation to see what else people said. it makes me feel frantic that people would beat their innocent children and babies.

and the implications about myself as a parent ... sigh. apparently i am a terrible parent because i don't believe in spanking my baby for not 'obeying' me (e.g., playing with her food, trying to get out of naps. hello, she is EIGHT MONTHS OLD!). i'm not parenting in a godly manner. and so on.

today my cousin posted more nonsense, including a video of a male preacher going on about spanking. her comment: if you don't spank your kids, you hate them.

i am so sad that anyone would think that about me because i don't believe in spanking. i cherish my precious daughter. she is my gift and my best thing. i love her so much that i'm willing to take the time to guide her with patience and creativity. i want her to grow up to become a vocal, unique, creative, smart, inquisitive, kind, powerful woman. dh and i will NOT raise her to cower in fear of authority (despite how she would have been raised in our culture in the past). and she is going to turn out great and we will be proud of her.

i've ceased to ask where the justice is in all of this. the word 'justice' can't appear logically in any conversation (or monologue, in this case) about infertility, as we all know. i've wanted a baby for a long time. my cousin has a bunch. her last baby is the one i should have had.yep, that's how i feel about it. he should have been mine. she is raising him up in The Way of the Lord. i'm afraid for him and for his siblings and for all other children who are raised to be terrified of their parents and of adults in general. because that's supposed to reflect 'fear of the Lord.' (oh, the painful literalism of the interpretation nearly kills me.)

be afraid. be very afraid.

i hold my daughter even closer and i pray she will never fall prey to the christian baby trainers.

on beating the snot out of a baby/kid

Dr Sears says, "Beware the Christian baby-trainers." Was he ever right.

There are people out there - including relatives of mine, I'm sorry to say - who still believe in beating your kids to show your dominance over them.

And they imply that I'm disobeying God for not doing the same.

I can't elaborate right now because I am too upset.

no longer keeping mum?

for a variety of reasons, i have kept mum (sorry, bad pun) about our IF situation. shame is one of them and i don't really want to get into that in this post, simply for lack of time. another compelling reason is that, in our faith-based community, we would be judged like crazy for having done IVF. another, quite frankly, is that i don't want to be asked about it every two seconds or to be considered the token IVF spokesperson (i don't know any real-life friends or family members who've needed IVF).

however, the trend in the IF blogosphere lately has been to 'come out'(for lack of a better term).

i've been trying, for a few weeks now, to write a commentary on this trend but i haven't been able to get around to it. however, i wanted to share the links on this topic that caught my interest (sadly, this blog appears to have been deleted):

I AM THE FACE movement

What IF?: A portrait of infertility (this is a moving video)

This Woman has a Secret

people with infertility are being IGNORED (a message from RESOLVE)

what we have here is a failure to communicate (great last sentence)

i won't stay silent forever. to me, this is Ninja's story now. when she is old enough, i will tell her everything. she can choose to keep mum or to tell. by then, i will be old enough that perhaps people's opinions won't matter so much to me anymore.

dear baby

Dear Ninja,

I don't think I've ever taken you for granted, not when I first dreamed of you years ago, not when you were swimming in my ocean, not now when you cause me sleepless nights.

I feel cursed because I can't relive the first months I've had with you in my arms. Despite soaking in every moment, it wasn't enough.

People whose babies come along easily do not know what I mean. They look forward to reliving their experiences through the next baby. If they miss a day, it's okay, it doesn't matter because another one will come along.

There's a good chance that there will be no next baby. You are the baby. You are so wonderful, I want another one of you. But the doctor who helped us make you told me that I have only a 15-25% chance with a double transfer.

"Could be 15, could be 25. It's hard to say. It's a crapshoot. All the labs in the city are having problems with FETs. I don't know what our stats will be for this year," he said.

Your dad was taking care of you in the other room; you were crying because you were supposed to sleep and you didn't want to. Your dad says your problem is that we love you too much and that, as a result, you can't bear to be away from us; that's why you can't sleep.

I was shattered. I thought surely our chance would be at least 30%. Even a 'normal' couple gets a 20% chance every cycle. I must have heard wrong. I asked again and the answer stayed the same. (For even the one below-average embryo we transferred a few years ago, I heard 13%.)

Just to attempt this, I have to save at least $2000 for the procedure (plus money for a week's worth of travel for the three of us), wean you, go through more blood tests and ultrasounds, take a week off to fly to the big city, and then endure a dreaded two week wait to find out if we are successful.

The worst part is the weaning. If I were a normal person, I'd let you breastfeed until you decided to wean. I already don't know how I'm going to stop you from nursing, especially at night. And it is a special part of our relationship, no matter how hard it is. Should I stop breastfeeding for a baby who likely will not happen? I'd be short-changing you.

***

What if you ask me for a sibling and I can't give you one?

***

Being pregnant with you was so wonderful. What if it never happens again?

All my regrets from being pregnant. I didn't get maternity pictures done. I was too afraid that photos of my burgeoning belly would jinx everything.

***

Today I was wearing a maternity top I bought a few weeks ago. It works for nursing and it was on sale and so I thought, "In case I do get pregnant again, I'll pull this out in the future, as well." I can't think like that. I took the shirt off.

Went out. Reminders everywhere. Maternity clothes. Creed's song 'Arms Wide Open.'

You and I are supposed to go see my friend tomorrow who is due any day and I don't want to; I don't want to see her belly and hear her complain about her discomfort.

I held you and kissed you at every opportunity. That's nothing new. I do that every day. I tried to be even more conscious about it, though: holding you, kissing you, and knowing that every day with you might be the last one.

Every day is the last, in a sense. Today, for instance, was the only September 15th 2010 in my life that I will ever hold my seven-month-old baby in my arms.

Love,

Mama

writing, birthing, infertility...woman's work

Mel over at the Stirrup Queens wrote a great post comparing infertility to writing/publishing.

To paraphrase: the author John le Carre compares writing to childbirth and, because I'm too tired to elaborate (but I'm sure you can imagine), there are many problems with doing so. Mel ties it up nicely at the end of the post by saying: "Perhaps I am simply bitter because in his analogy, it sounds like having a child is just something you decide to do (such as … oh, writing a book) and we all know that it isn’t quite that simple. Nor is the loss of life quite akin to a few deleted paragraphs." Hear, hear!

By the way: I, being a nerd, had to comment that "it is typical of male writers to compare writing to childbirth. (E.g., Philip Sydney, Shakespeare, Alexander Pope.) Historically, this is a common analogy for men to use even though they have no first-hand experience in the matter." I did graduate work on this topic and, I tell ya, was I ever thrilled to be able to pull out what I learned and apply it to 'the real world.' heehee

Back to the topic at hand. Mel's words resounded in my head. I spent a year of my life writing a thesis on a topic near and dear to my heart. I was pregnant for the last push of writing/defence and it was odd and wonderful to live out the centuries-old analogy between writing/creating and gestation/childbirth.

Everyone says my thesis is immediately publishable (there is nothing out there like it and I know it is good) – and I’m too afraid to do anything with it.

What if 'everyone' is wrong and I fail? A sound rejection would be a BFN, of sorts, and although that would be crushing, at least it wouldn't be as soul-destroying (to me, anyway) as a post-IVF miscarriage.

Plus, time is an issue. My manuscript, while perfectly fine as a thesis, needs major renovations to turn it into a publishable book. That requires blocks of time. On deck is the perennial question: when would I, a woman and a mother, find time to write? (Enter the chorus: commenters such as Christine de Pisan, Virgina Woolf, Tillie Olsen, and millions of other women who have longed to write and create yet are bound to housework and jobs and social obligations.)

I wanted this binding, no pun intended. I knew that having a baby would banish my free time. That came true and I am not sorry. I worked hard to get to where I am and I cherish every day I have with my child. Right now, she is my main act of creation.

Yet, to be pragmatic, I ask myself: when can I get this done? Perhaps I need to wait. But I can't wait too long otherwise my document will have to be overhauled to include new research out there on my topic. I spent so much time on my book. Everything I had went into those words and into getting pregnant. It really is now or never.

When to do this? One of my sisters-in-law said: NAPTIME!

Ha ha ha. Ninja does not do this thing called naps. The most I can get out of her is a 40-minute snooze. By the time I wait 5 minutes to see if she is really asleep, get something to eat, answer the phone, etc., she is awake and she requires my full attention.

Working into the night: also not an option (at least, not yet). Ninja is up often to nurse and it takes hours to get her into bed in the first place.

Baby-sitters are also out of the question, at this point. Ninja is still almost exclusively breastfed and she will not take a bottle. (She is intrigued by the sippy cup but she loses patience with it.)

It is important that I make the effort to publish - my academic work is very important to me. I see I will have to be creative with making time for my project. It's true: a woman's work is never done.

hearing the word 'mom'

Yesterday my baby started calling me Mom. Well, it was more like mahm-mahm-mahm-mahm.

She has been able to say the 'ma' syllable for some time but yesterday was the first time I knew she was connecting it with my body.

Big smile on both our faces. :) I cried a little bit and told her I'd waited a long time for that moment.

update

I haven't updated in a while, for reasons about which I'm still musing.

My daughter is doing well. She is sitting, crawling, and she has even pulled herself up to standing. She is cutting four teeth at once. Her hair needs its first trim. She can hardly bear to be away from me. She hears thunder and thinks it's her daddy walking around in the other room.

To any other (fertile) person, I think she'd be a cross to bear. Does that sound harsh? I don't see her that way but I think a 'fertile' parent would. Her sleep issues are beyond ridiculous (e.g., today she had one 45-minute nap - that's it - and it takes hours to put her to bed, plus she is up at least 5 times/night to nurse). I think she is a lucky little lady to be born to me because, with all I've gone through to get her, I dwell only on her comically beautiful smile.

further proof that the world is unfair

Around 10 years ago, my cousin and her husband were expecting their first child but he was lost - stillborn at 6 months - and my cousin had to have a hysterectomy, to boot. They are living childfree.

Couple of days ago, cousin's husband is in a parking lot and he helps deliver a stranger's baby in the backseat of a car.

Cosmically unfunny. People are writing funny comments all over his Facebook and I just cringed.

maybe if you just relax ... reading this post won't give you high blood pressure

The Stirrup Queen, Mel, posted re: a new study in Fertility and Sterility that seems to suggest that relaxing=pregnancy. Go over to her blog and read it: she comments on the study and on its subsequent media coverage better than I could!

status of the embryos

as i've been saying, dh and i are tentatively planning to try an FET cycle. possibly this april, depending on whether or not i have a job at that point.

a month ago or so, i dug out our infertility medical records (at least 3 inches thick, no joke). i wanted to see how our four frosties had been graded. i didn't look at the time because i was so elated that i had any blasts, let alone six, that asking too many questions seemed to be calling for a rainstorm of jinxes.

but now i need to know.

and they aren't that great.

interestingly - and i wasn't told this at the time - our RE didn't transfer the best two embryos. he transferred the best one (a 4AB, from what I recall, which is really good) and the third-best one (an average one). although we'll never know for sure, it seems clear to me that the best one resulted in my little Ninja.

out of the four sibling-embies, one is a 3BB and the rest are 2CC (I think - don't remember for sure). (here's a web site that shows pics of the various grades.) the RE said they looked good so i thought the grades would be better than that.

huh.

i have an appointment next month with the RE and i'm guessing he'll peg the next cycle's chance for success at 30-40%. which is still a damn sight better than any chance we'd have without it. but it's far from the 80% chance we had last time.

don't get me wrong - i'm eternally grateful to have had one chance that worked. and that i have four blasts, still. i'm not complaining. just wishing i didn't have to think about this. i just talked to a former colleague who did nothing but complain about her 2-year-old daughter. her baby was a "failure of birth control," as she termed it. she'll never understand what a gift she has.

infertility and emotional resilience

oh gosh. i'm glad it's so easy.

kthxbi!

infertility: genes into which i hope my daughter never fits

Great post by Mel over at Stirrup Queens about the first American baby, Elizabeth Carr, who was born via IVF. Elizabeth just gave birth to her first child - a 'natural' conception - and she wrote an article about it for the Boston Globe. Mel points out issues for the rest of us, such as fears of passing on our infertility. This particular paragraph grabbed me:

my biggest fear, as a woman with high FSH, clotting factors, and a LPD, is that I will pass along these conditions to my daughter. And it is not because it is a pain-in-the-ass to engage in assisted conception –that is the smallest part of the matter — but the emotions that accompany needing assisted conception. I know that for some, they are simply amazed and grateful that this science exists and they can utilize it. But I experienced a very different emotional landscape, and I’d rather my daughter never curl up on the bathroom floor and sob as her period begins.

The last sentence made me cry for my daughter.

Back when I thought Ninja was a boy, I was paranoid that he'd 'get' whatever ails DH in the reproductive department. I did whatever I could to ensure health for my baby boy. I even bought organic cotton diapers with wool covers to ensure that nothing would harm his genitalia. I wanted him to avoid the heartache that my DH had on the road to conceive him.

And it turned out to be a girl. A beautiful, funny, bright, loving daughter.

Will I give her my borderline PCOS? Will DH's reproductive woes get passed on to her potential son(s)?

I think I'd rather die than know that my daughter is lying on the floor and crying because she is bleeding again. I'm crying again now just thinking about it.

All I can do is try to keep her healthy and happy. I will monitor her as she hits puberty and, if I see that her cycles are not regulating, I will bring her to a doctor ASAP (which my parents did not do) and I WILL NOT let doctors do to them what they did to me: stick me on the pill and refuse to do any testing. For so long doctors called me 'the problem' and I had to advocate for myself. My daughter, if she has anything similar the matter with her, will have me fighting for her.

And when she is old enough, I will let her read this blog and she'll know to watch for the same things in her children, if she has them.

in honour of world breastfeeding week (please avoid if feeing sensitive)

my breastfeeding story

a tale in progress.

i've been nursing since ninja was born. i have not purchased one container of formula. i don't even know how formula works. i'm glad. there are many mothers out there who long to be in my position. it is working for me because i am working for it.* my body happens to make milk - a huge blessing - and i don't have to have a job right now - another huge blessing - and so i'm able to feed my daughter this way.

although i dislike breastfeeding - i don't care for being leaky and smelly and engorged - i do it anyway and i do not take for granted my ability to lactate.

while i was pregnant, the idea of breastfeeding terrified me. i didn't grow up with anyone i knew who breastfed (or else they did it very discreetly) because it wasn't fashionable at the time. my mother did nurse me, though, until i was 3 months old. i never saw anyone nurse until i was in my early 20s, at least, and the view was still obscured by a prominent nursing cover.

plus i was scared about nursing my own baby because of the PCOS. what if my hormones interfered with everything? (my fears about this were alleviated somewhat when i started secreting colostrum at around the 5-months-pregnant mark.)

i prepared by reading a lot. after all, there was no one to ask for help. my grandmothers, who would have breastfed extensively, are dead. my mom has experience nursing a few of her kids (she didn't bf all of us) for a few months each (i'm beyond this point and she has no experience bf'ing an older baby). most of the women a generation older than me used formula because it was the cool thing to do. and so i relied on books. Bestfeeding was great because it was written simply and had lots of pictures of the Right ways and the Wrong ways to position baby. the La Leche League's book was good, too, but it drives home the mommy-guilt and i didn't appreciate that but that's another topic.

also, my midwife helped me by suggesting that, after she caught the baby, i drink mother's milk tea and some Guiness. done. dh smuggled beer into the hospital, much to my midwife's delight! (i tell ya, i sure didn't mind a cold one the day after ninja arrived.) she cautioned me, though, not to let the nurses see. funny enough, one of the nurses - while the medical team was scaring me about my seeming lack of production - recommended a dark stout, as well! my midwife thought that was great. she wanted to know which nurse it was, actually, but i couldn't remember.

as it turns out, i had nothing to worry about. ninja latched herself on within an hour or two of delivery. little baby was cradled in my right arm. i was talking to dh, my midwife, and my doula when suddenly i felt a pinching at my right nipple.

"whoaaaa, what's that?" i exclaimed. i thought some rude nurse was poking at me. i looked down. there was my tiny nursling sucking away. she looked at me calmly.

"neat-o!" i thought. it was true. newborns come with wisdom into the world.

ninja nursed for the next 4 or 5 hours straight. dh lounged in a portable bed underneath the window. when the sun peeked into the room, she let go and fell asleep nestled into my side. that was when my mind determined that co-sleeping was the only way. the clear plastic bassinet was in the room just to get in people's way. nurses tried, occasionally, to put her in there but she just screamed until either dh or i was holding her again. and i knew that was normal and good. she looked funny in there, anyway, like a big fish who'd outgrown her aquarium. and, besides, nursing is so much easier when you don't have to get up (or even wake up).

my milk came in at the end of the third day. i sensed it was coming because my breasts were becoming big and firm, my nipples were developing brown rings, and i could feel the small round milk ducts blossoming.

the nurses scared me, though. ninja dropped about 1.5 pounds during her first 4 days outside of my body and the nurses put the fear into me. i wouldn't have worried, otherwise, because ninja's colour was good, she was alert, and she nursed every 2 hours. i sensed that they thought i wasn't really feeding her. i resented being made to feel afraid. (i also disliked all the contradictory advice i was given about breastfeeding. i stuck to what i learned from Bestfeeding and from The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and that turned out to be the right thing to do. if i had done what my nurses told me firmly to do, my baby would not have thrived and i probably would have developed breast infections.)

finally one good nurse told me not to worry; she saw evidence of dried milk on ninja's cheek and that meant all was well. another great nurse checked ninja's latch and he praised me for it. i said that i had just done what i saw in the Bestfeeding book and he said it was great that i had prepared myself so well.

(i don't understand people who don't prepare themselves for breastfeeding. so many women seem to think that breastfeeding is natural. IT ISN'T. milk is natural; feeding is not! both the mother and the nursling must learn the dance. and it helps if the mother knows in advance how to position herself and her baby. it's good to know tips, as well, for trouble-shooting. i know too many women who did nothing to prepare themselves and who thought it was all going to be a breeze and, when the time came, had huge problems with latch, milk production, timing, etc.

we did have a few troubles for the next few weeks. nothing serious. ninja preferred the left side and it was hard to get her latched on to the right. with time and practice she overcame that problem.

my husband was truly the most helpful lactation consultant i could ever have imagined. he was committed to encouraging me and ninja to learn how become an effective nursing pair. he generated the idea of using my bedside table (because you can crank it higher or lower) as a positioner for ninja so that she could get a better latch on the right side. he was also my dedicated procurer of water because the prelude of every nursing session involved me nearly dying of thirst.

ninja settled into a routine of nursing every 2 or 3 hours for 45 to 55 minutes. sometimes she tried to go for 4 hours during the day but i put a stop to that because i wanted her to eat more during the day and less at night (we're still plugging away at that issue).

more bf'ing problems appeared along the way. i realized, finally, after three months that the reason ninja vomited so much and choked so often, especially at her bedtime feeding, was because i was overproducing and i had an overly enthusiastic letdown reflex. this problem wasn't addressed in any book i'd seen. i phoned a La Leche League leader who also didn't know what to do. i figured it all out, finally, and i learned that i needed to pump myself dry before ninja's bedtime and wake-up feedings. problem solved. i ended up dumping a lot of milk which made me feel guilty. i tried to donate the excess (to my SIL and to a few friends) but the plans consistently fell through. i bought a few milk trays and started freezing it but, wouldn't you know it, my supply just dropped by about 40%. at 6 months, it finally evened out. it still means lots of milk for the baby but i don't leak nearly as much anymore, i'm not engorged all the time, and i don't have to pump.

after the fact, i read about this very problem in Jack Newman's guide to breastfeeding (which is a terrific resource - he is a Toronto-based doctor who specializes in breastfeeding - and is he ever committed to the cause!). he doesn't offer any solutions and so i e-mailed him to say what i had done, in case it could help anyone else out there. he responded to thank me which was cool, considering how busy he is.

about, oh i don't know, 2 or 3 months into nursing i developed blocked ducts and then i got mastitis. the side of my left breast was engorged and hot and i felt as though i had the worst flu of my life. of course, i was alone with little ninja. that was terrible. i had to take a course of antibiotics and she and i stayed in bed for a few days so i could nurse frequently (to get rid of the blockages). both my family and dh's family have a dairy background and so they all felt sorry for me because they knew how miserable cows get when they have mastitis.

and, yes, i did feel like a miserable cow!

i seem to be prone to blocked ducts so i'm careful when i get them to apply heat and massage them because mastitis is not something i want to get again.

another problem has been ninja's nursing strikes. her longest one lasted a few months. she just doesn't want to be bothered to eat. she'd rather do it all night long. and she is easily distracted. my solution has been to nurse her in my ring sling. then she has to focus. no baby gymnastics, twisting and turning to look at the clock, playing with mommy's clothes, etc. just eating.

she won't nurse in public, though. it's too distracting for her. and so for now i am tied to the house. i would like to nurse in public, though, as a political statement. yes, i'm one of those. i've started working up the nerve. i did have to nurse publicly a few weekends ago at my dh's family camp. it was too hot to use a cover and ninja just bats it away, anyway. i nursed in the open, although you really had to look hard to see any lady bits. interestingly, my 10-year-old niece came to watch, as did my 5-year-old nephew. i hope from what they saw that they remember that breastfeeding is normal.

now i'm at the point of starting to think about weaning. i had wanted to breastfeed until at least a year. then, with the inspiration of my lactivist cousin, i thought of going longer. but because i want to do an FET in spring, my RE says i have to wean in advance. i'm guessing 2 or 3 months in advance, to allow the prolactin level to fall, but i don't know for sure.

i have mixed feelings about weaning. i don't like breastfeeding so i should be relieved at the idea of quitting but i'm not. it is a special time for my daughter and me. i do like the health benefits of extended nursing (both for her and me). i like not getting my period.

i don't like the idea of weaning for the sake of a baby who may not even come into existence. if i knew i'd get pregnant, stopping bf'ing wouldn't bother me as much, i don't think. but i don't know that. if the FET fails, i weaned for no reason. (oh, and for a few different reasons, postponing the FET isn't really an option.) and when i think, down the road, about our very last nursing session, i feel like crying.

i'm doing baby-led weaning to introduce foods. it's going well. i offer ninja spears of vegetables and chunks of fruit. she's learning what to do with it all. i eat the same things in front of her because that seems to convince her that she likes it all, too.

for now, i breastfeed my daughter 3 or 4 times during the day and 3 or 4 times at night. the process involves a sling and a pillow, cajoling, vomiting, quiet time, a copious number of towels and washcloths and nursing pads, broken sleep, and lots of dropped milk on my lap when my daughter takes a deep breath and gives me a wide grin.




*i do not in any way mean to imply that all women can nurse if they just work hard enough; i know too many mothers who poured their lives into making breastfeeding work and it just couldn't, for a variety of reasons

points about ninja to remember her by when i'm old and grey

-she growls at me when i don't do what she wants fast enough and/or to her liking. i do not respond to growls! so i ignore her or laugh at her. she gets the hint eventually - hello, growing awareness of social cues! - and then she laughs and gives me a softer edge to her voice

-during the last few months she has become very shy unless she's in my ring sling. she especially despises my dad (and he loves her so very much!). i do not pass her to people if it upsets her. i've found that if i keep her in my sling and then, over the course of an hour or two, loosen it until it falls around us, she warms up to present company and won't cry. then, people offer their arms to her; she is hesitant at first but when i feel her tip herself in their directions, i know she's ok and i pass her on to the others in her life who love her so much.

-on a related note, she thinks strollers are so last year.

-she is still impossible to put to bed. this is not new. today i spent a total of 6 hours trying to get her to sleep. oy.

-she loves to grip my hands and swing herself from side to side on my lap. to her, it's really the happiest thing in the world.

-she also loves it when i: sing to her, dance with her, put on makeup in front of her.

-when i change her diaper, she chases my shadow on the wall.

-she is so close to crawling; when i put her on the floor she is already motoring around

-she loves Sophie the Giraffe (dumb looking toy!) and her handmade sock monkey (another goofy toy)

-she can't be bothered to nurse during the day, preferring still to snack every 2 hours at night although we had gotten her to go for 4-hour stretches

-she is obsessed with the TV. i don't let her watch anything and so when it is on, in odd moments, i can't possibly get her attention on anything else

-she despises her car seat and so i can't leave our town. she also as a rule won't nurse in public or nap outside of the house. i'm bound to our home. i am mostly ok with this but others in my life are not.

-nothing excites her more than having a bath

-she thinks clothes are dumb and that i'm a Mean Mommy for making her wear anything

-she is terrified of my elliptical trainer and so i can't exercise

-she has the best smile in the world. i asked dh where he thinks she gets her sparkly grin from - me? him? a grandparent? - and he said, "from herself."

oh yes, there will be tutus

a party with family and friends, presents, fondant cake (with an accompanying smash cake!), professional photographer, flowers, a tutu ...


yes, i've been dreaming of ninja's birthday. this started a month or so ago.

we've got half a year until the ninja's first birthday but, hey, who cares? i'm going to do what i want to celebrate her life.

i've already bought two of her presents. well, i picked them up at garage sales. that sounds terrible but i don't care. i got great stuff (a brand-new playskool scooter-type-thing and beautiful gymboree clothes with the tags still attached) that didn't cost the earth, both in terms of $ and carbon footprints and all that. i'm excited when people get me stuff they found while thrifting so it's all fine by me.

good thing i was already thinking about n's birthday because the cake designer and the photographer i wanted are already booking into november! i sent off e-mails today to put in a request for my baby's special day. :)

i told dh today over the phone about this and, instead of laughing at me or grumbling about the price (he's not tight-fisted but his business is tentative right now), he said it was good.

now, for cake:



i was thinking something like this. except a little baby bird between the 2 big birds. the four eggs in the nest represent n's frostie siblings.

yes, i'm an english major, dammit. everything has to represent something! even on my baby's birthday cake!

just say no to mush!

good thing i'm trying baby-led weaning. ninja hates all forms of mush and so i'm sure that if i'd started her on purees, she would have disliked everything. NO to squash, sweet potatoes, oatmeal, bananas, etc. YES to hard things that she can chew on, like asparagus, carrots, and broccoli.

yesterday i tried offering butternut squash. she gave me her worst look.

i tried again this morning and ninja remembered it: wouldn't even look at it or touch it. i did touch some of the squash inside her mouth - just because i want to her to have some exposure so that i can tell if she's allergic or not - and she made a huge show out of coughing and gagging and pretending she couldn't breathe. (i knew she was fine.)

funny gal.

Infertility Contest!

The Misfit over at Just Being is having an Infertility Contest. This idea makes me laugh like mad because there's nothing like infertility to bring out the hahas in all of us!

Here are the details:

The Contest

(1) The contest would be open for a whole month - say, until August 16. That way people who are traveling or only check blogs occasionally could play if they like.

(2) The contest would be for the worst infertility-related experience of its type. There would be several categories:

-most outrageous statement about infertility/children/parenting that has been made to you personally
-craziest infertility remedy suggested to you personally
-most outlandish infertility or TTC treatment/remedy/good luck charm you have actually done or used (must include results)
-most outrageous public backlash or spectacle you've ever engaged in regarding IF/TTC
-please suggest others I've missed!

(3) "To you personally" will also include to your spouse.

(4) You must be infertile/secondarily infertile/RPL to play, whether you have kids or not, and whether you are still TTC or not.

(5) I'd have to judge subjectively, so I can't compete. I'd award some sort of silly prize - suggestions welcome.

(6) You can "enter" the contest by submitting your entry in a comment on this post, or commenting with a link to a blog post where you've discussed the occurrence you're using as an entry.

(7) Everyone is welcome to lobby for or against others' submissions!

See you over at Just Being for some crazy stories. I'm not sure if I'll enter - just because I don't think I have anything that unusual to share - but I want to read the entries.

a captive audience

Ninja thinks I'm The Most Wonderful Thing Ever and that is the #1 reason why she won't ever go to sleep.

I'm a very ordinary person. Reserved, nerdy, semi-crunchy. I think I have a decent sense of humour and I do like to be the instigator of pranks. (I whisper ideas and then others do my dirty work. I look innocent and so I get off scot-free!)

But my dear child considers me the be-all and end-all. Which is very flattering. It's a new experience to me: having a captive audience. She laughs at all my jokes.

She thinks almost everything is a hoot, really.

Two weekends ago she laughed in the crying face of her cousin, a four-month-old baby.

Last week she laughed at two ladies in the thrift store who, most unfortunately, were at the receiving end of a crashingly broken full rack of clothes. (And then she tutted at the ladies, presumably to guide them to the best way of remedying their problem. I giggled so hard I had to leave the store.)

Schadenfreude much? ;)

Her laugh isn't that loud yet. Occasionally she manages to actually make 'laughter' sounds - especially when I tickle her, which occurs at least every 2 minutes - but usually her giggles are more physical (shaking body and smiling face) than aural.

Today the Ninja was babbling away and I was imitating her. She stopped chatting and laughed out loud. That was the first time that she communicated to me her understanding of what was happening when I make the same sounds that she does.

Ah, baby giggles. There's nothing better. Except maybe the experience of watching this little person learn to listen and to talk.

catching up to do

Expect a number of posts from me in the next few days because I have lots of catching up to do. Not so much about Ninja - although lots is always going on with her - but about infertility in general, my musings about FET, and other people's IF blogs.

First. The Misfit over at Just Being wrote an amazing (and I'm not taking that word lightly) post about the mental ramblings of an infertile woman who can't shake that b!tch named Hope.

This part got to me:

And you feel a hundred. And a part of you has died. You never cry when you get your period, you never talk about how exciting it would be if it were "this month," you eventually stopped throwing baby showers (people stopped asking you to, eventually), and finally you basically stopped attending them, but you know what the strange thing is? The hope isn't quite dead yet. It's the most horrible thing in your life. It won't let you have any peace, not even for a moment. You make career plans and financial plans and savings plans and you bravely compute futures that include no children, and buy plane tickets for nine months from now, and live in a house in the city, and spend your vacation time at work on actual vacations, rather than saving it all up for that extended maternity leave you always wanted.


And you never tell your husband, but every month, a tiny, horrible, un-killable shred of you believes against the weight of all past experience that it could be this month. And when people ask you, or say, "When you have children," you bravely say, "Well, if," or "We'll see." But you don't tell them the name you're saving for your first girl, in case they take it.


Hope is the worst thing in the world.


No, no, infertility is the worst thing in the world. Hope is second.


Misfit, that was powerful stuff and I'm deeply sorry that it had to be written. A million women have felt these words but you said them with earth-shattering style. I even had to e-mail Mel at Stirrup Queens, which I've never done before, to ask her to read it. When I finally out myself about my reproductive history - because it will happen one day and I'm going to post about that soon - I will ask anyone who cares to read your words. Maybe then they'll try to attempt to maybe empathize with what DH and I endured to bring our beloved Ninja into our lives.

*le sigh*

we're on to solids.

i'm proud of my girl for doing a great job of growing but what happened to my little baby?

mother-sighs aside, i wanted to write about what dh and i are doing with Ninja re: solids because it's sure not what we're used to. we're trying baby-led weaning.

we grew up thinking that purees were a must. apparently, for healthy and ready 6-month-olds, not so.

so far i've given Ninja tastes of avocado, sweet potatoes, carrots, and bananas. mainly, i brushed her lips with morsels. no go to most of it. she thought bananas, especially, were a terrible idea. at the taste of sweet potatoes, she gave me her worst look: mommy, how could you betray me like this? and then when she nursed, she made a loud production of going "nom, nom, nom." so yummy, mummy! this is what i wanted!

today, we started BWL in earnest. i got her ready in her chair (to which she was already accustomed because i wanted her to be used to sitting in it). and then i gave her a stick of steamed broccoli.

she went crazy for it! nom nom nom! she gnawed away happily for almost half an hour. the spear remained but most of the florets were gone. no choking, no gagging. she knew what to do with it. good job, kiddo!

btw: i am still nursing. i am not a fan of breastfeeding - i'm constantly engorged, dripping wet, smelling like sour cottage cheese - but i believe militantly in its importance. i plan to continue until Ninja is a year old. i'd probably go longer - up to two years or more - but in spring i want to do a frozen cycle and the IVF nurse says i have to wean first.

*****************

just now, i'm trying to put Ninja to bed and i've noticed that she is mastering the art of manipulation. her normal desperate cries for me to come save her (and i always do) sounded different to me. canned or something. instead of picking her up, i waited and watched. suddenly she stopped her odd shrieks and groans and looked up at me. and grinned.

little bugger!

best day of my life (from july 22nd - posted today)

the backyard swimming pool is ready. the air is 26 degrees celsius. the pool water is even warmer.

DH: k, i'm taking Ninja in. you can go do your errands.

OHW: uh, no. guess it'll all get done another day.

i change ninja into a diaper cover and an adorable swimsuit alighted with pink and orange butterflies. and a towel that, when wrapped around her, makes her look like a piglet.

i hop into a bathing suit. look at myself in the mirror. i don't look too bad but i could lose a few inches, still.

dh and ninja jump into the pool. it starts to rain. ninja's not too sure about this. i snap a few photos. she sees i'm smiling and so she starts to play. i step into the pool. it rains and rains. the rain is cool and the pool water is deliciously lukewarm. we play and play. an hour goes by.

i blow in ninja's face and dunk her in the water. she comes up sputtering, sees my laughing face and she bursts out laughing, too. she giggles at the sight of her dada diving into the water and disappearing, then reappearing with a smile and a shout.

my eye makeup is running everywhere and my hair is a mess. i swim and float. i watch dh play with our child and the tears come. my red eyes are forgiven by rain and chlorinated water.

dh and i take turns playing with the baby. we hold her by the jet so that she's bathed in the warmest water.

still in the pool, i nurse her for a few minutes. she giggles madly at this odd turn of events and dh calls me a lunatic. she can't concentrate on sucking because it's all just too comical.

we go inside. i wrap her up in the big pink towel, dress her, feed her, and she's out for a long nap, dreaming of her looney parents and warm milk.

***

i pick her up at the end of her nap. she's still tired and she falls asleep again in my arms. she hasn't done this since she was 6 weeks old. she never ever falls asleep against me. i stand still and look at us in the mirror. is this the last time?

***

later in the day, she gives me kisses and kisses.

***

the best day of my life. the cost was worth it.

ramblings: cuteness from the ninja

last night the Ninja repeatedly grabbed my chin and gave me kisses on the mouth so that i wouldn't put her back down for bed. it's hard to be the Tough Parent when she does that! i had to hold her below my chin so that she couldn't distract me with her Kissyface Cuteness. it is so hard to refuse baby smooches! but i didn't want her to derail me from teaching her how to go to sleep. i held firm! and i still got 3 or 4 kisses this morning so all is well.

she slept SIX HOURS in a row last night. first time ever. since we curtailed the bed-sharing (waaaah! i liked having her in my bed!) she sleeps around four hours in a row which i think is pretty good, though. it was weird to wake up with my right boob as solid as stone and realize that she'd blown two hours past her normal feeding. good job, kiddo!

and because i had her in bed early again - i've been moving her bedtime earlier and earlier - she stayed there for 12 hours instead of her regular 10. she felt great when she woke up this morning! and so we went thrifting and i bought a shirt for her christmas outfit.

today she found her hair so she pulled on it like crazy. i was surprised that she didn't fuss that it hurt. she's a tough kid, though. when she gets hurt or feels scared, she looks at my face to gauge my feelings and then she reacts accordingly. usually this means no tears even when she is hurt or afraid. so when, for example, the train runs late at night and awakens her, i turn on the light so she can see that i'm not frightened and then she stops crying immediately. dh is in awe of the effect i have on her. for my part, it feels like a huge and wonderful responsibility: to care for a wee girl's emotional health.

the accepted rule in IF land

infertiles don't have to attend baby showers. that is an accepted rule in IF land. except for the shower i coerced my mom into having for Ninja, i've never been to a baby shower.

but i, a recovering infertile, went to an actual Real Live baby shower today. with presents and ooh'ing and ah'ing and everything. it was for my sister-in-law and my new niece.

surprisingly, it didn't bother me at all to be at a party for a baby, even an 'oops' baby (my bro and SIL found out about her when SIL was already in the second tri - what astonishing luck some people have). i love my niece and so it was all right. so i helped plan the party and everything. i even cut precious pink roses from my mother's day rose bush that DH and the Ninja gave me to use as centrepieces.

and i had Ninja with me - my sparkly girl - to hug. without her, no way would i have gone to any baby shower. without her, i'd be either dead or on the other side of the world right now.

(and Ninja stole the show, anyway. she is full of hilariosity. much to everyone's delight, i kept blowing in Ninja's armpit to elicit her delicious shrieks and giggles.)

sometimes now i feel as though i can rejoin the world.

consult to come

Just heard back from the IVF nurse. She passed my note on to The Miracle RE and he is going to phone me for a "follow up appointment."

I can't believe I'm even considering this so soon. No new mother I know wants to have another baby ASAP. But I do.

convincing DH

OHW: I e-mailed the IVF nurse today.

DH: Oh? How is she doing?

OHW: Don't know - she's away from work but she says she will get back to me ASAP.

DH: She's so nice.

OHW: Yes. Do you want to know what I was asking her?

DH: Mm hm.

OHW: What the FET will involve. (Lists off the questions.) We've done this before but I forget it all and it was at a different clinic, anyway, so this one probably has different protocols.

DH: We said next summer, right?

OHW: Yeah.

DH: Well, I want a January baby. So let's do it in ... April.

OHW: (Laughs.) ("If this even works," she thinks; she knows that DH is acutely aware of the chance of failure.)

DH: Ok?

OHW: Why January?

DH: Because it's cool! That's when my daughter was born. And how many other people do you know who were born in that month? No one. (*Explanation here: it's so friggin' cold during our winters that no one who is able to 'plan' a pregnancy chooses to give birth during January.)

OHW: (Laughs.) Well, summer is good.

DH: No. (Decisively.) April.

OHW: Ok. We'll see how it goes.

frozen dreams

I just e-mailed my IVF nurse back in the Big City to ask about a future FET. Questions ranging from type to timeline to cost.

I must mean business.

DH and I talked about next summer but it wouldn't take much convincing on my part to get him to agree to do it sooner.

How about January/February? Ninja would be a year old. Hmmm...

We are not financially stable yet - although we're certainly not hurting - and this is really the only reason for any sort of delay. Our unemployment insurance and mat leave will end within 6 months and DH's business is still very new. If we had a firm income, I'd start cycling today and I know that DH would be excited about it.

What does the future hold? I hope at least one more baby.

In any case, I am forever grateful for Ninja, my sunshine girl.

milestones

So many milestones in such a short amount of time.

A few days ago, she:
-found her toes and played with them
-recognized her first word ('tickle' - heehee!)
-pulled herself up to sitting (from a semi-reclined position) and held her balance
-tried her first food (avocado)- I had planned to wait until the 6-month mark to introduce solids and we're not there yet but I wanted DH to be around for the big event; I figured that a few weeks' difference wouldn't hurt

And then today, she:
-was introduced to the sippy cup and used it successfully (to down some expressed milk) - HOW ANNOYING that she accepted the cup and not the bottle! I could've tried the sippy much earlier! Silly kid!
-kissed daddy for the first time :) - she sings a bit, then i'm expected to sing back, and then she plants her round mouth on mine. she invented this ritual. DH got it for the first time and he just about melted.

Mother's intuition (is not an old wives' tale): I told DH over the phone last week that it was good he was coming home this weekend because I sensed that Ninja would be doing a lot of new things. Was I ever right, much to my chagrin. She won't be a baby much longer, at this rate.

yesterday's phone conversation

I wonder sometimes if I have some kind of infertility-related post-traumatic stress disorder. That statue I posted yesterday - looking at it very nearly gave me a panic attack. I don't know why I posted it; it hits too close to home.

I'm not the only one in this house who feels this way. DH and I were talking yesterday on the phone. Somehow we very vaguely got onto the topic of faith. Keep in mind that we haven't attended church in over three years.

DH (sullenly): I don't want to talk about that. Not over the phone.

Me (confused): Talk about what?

DH: That.

Me: I don't know what we're talking about.

DH: I'm mad. I know we should take Ninja to Sunday School but for me to sit in a pew ... I'd feel ...

Me: Like a hypocrite.

DH: Yes. (Pause.) Why didn't God want us to have her? Why did it have to take so long?

Me: I'm pretty broken up about that, too. I don't know what to think.

DH: When my sister (who happens to be a deacon's wife) says that Ninja is a miracle, I want to say "no, we paid the doctor to make her."

Me: All I know is that she's here, so to me it is a kind of miracle.

DH: Yeah.

Me: I guess, though I'm not cool with how long it took, I'm coming to see - very grudgingly - that if we'd had Ninja when we first wanted her, we would never have had the patience required to parent her. You know how we are. Now we're old enough and wise enough to have the patience. She is the perfect kid for us, stretching us in the ways we need to be challenged.

DH: Yeah.

Me: And if we'd had a kid when we first wanted to, we would not have Ninja. We'd have a different kid.

(Quiet.)

Me: That's just the way I am trying to think about it.

DH: I don't want to talk about this over the phone.

Me: Ok.

more infertility art...

I saw this piece on a midwife's web site. I felt shattered when I saw it.



Part of the artist's statement reads: "I am truly sorry if you connect with this piece."

What else can one say? There are no words because there is nothing to contain them.

if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby

As soon as Ninja was born, I craved another baby. I missed being pregnant - the experience of new life has been awe-inspiring - and I wanted another newborn right away.

This enthusiasm has been tempered a bit. Well, not tempered. Reality just set in, I guess. DH is gone almost all the time; I don't want him to miss out on another child's life (if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby). And Ninja is a demanding baby. I love her more than I can describe but she is a very sensitive and highly-strung kid. I wouldn't change anything about her but I don't know how I could spread myself around if I had another baby so soon (again, if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby).

But, if DH were fertile, I'd still try to get pregnant again right away. I love being a mother. Now I'm more jealous than ever of fertiles.

Since the day Ninja was born, DH and I have talked about attempting another pregnancy. We'd have to fly 2000 km, back to our RE's office, to do this. We have four blasts in storage (that seems like a callous way to describe the situation!). Again, we'd go through the dreaded 2ww. It would be better this time, of course, because every time I'd get frantic (which would be all the time), I'd hug Ninja. But I still don't welcome the experience (although I'm massively grateful, of course, to have the chance to try again).

DH and I have agreed loosely that next summer would be a good time. Maybe I'll land a job when Ninja turns a year old so that I can build up enough hours to collect maternity leave again (if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby). If not, I don't know. DH's business is just a fledgling and so we don't know what our financial situation will be lik.

Although I'm undecided, DH is not. Again tonight on the phone he referred to next summer and that I'd be going to the RE. He's brought it up 2 or 3 times in the last month. All with guarded hope in his voice.

This is from the man who claimed, pre-fatherhood, that working away from home - while his newborn slept in my arms - wouldn't bother him. He loves kids but he said that our baby wouldn't need him until he/she was at least age 3.

He was wrong and he realized it right away. The day Ninja was born he was cradling her, reading to her, whispering "precious" in her ear. It kills him to be away from her - this tiny creature who looks so much like him - and he is for weeks at a time. Yesterday he missed Ninja's first tooth and he was sad about it. He told me that he'd make it up to me and her: that when she's a difficult teenager, he'll be there every step of the way. I said, of course, he can't help being away from home! He's making a living and taking care of his girls! But he feels as though he's abandoned us.

I know, if we were fortunate enough to be gifted with another baby, that he'll do his best to start off differently. He's a good man. And now he finally understands the raging baby-lust I've had for years. For all these years I drove the IF wagon while he rode shotgun, admiring the scenery but never making a sound. Now he's the one craving another child (well, I am, too, but he's been more vocal about it). That's been an interesting transition to witness.

I think it's a testament to our characters, though. We love Ninja so much that want to have more babies with each other. That's how great our Ninja is.

work of ... ART?

I was looking through Etsy when I came across this:



The artist describes the installation as follows: "This piece is a visual song which encompasses fertility or infertility, multiple births and the ticking biological clock!"

Don't ask me how I came across this piece: I was busy looking for handmade jewelry!

first tooth!

My baby cut her first tooth overnight.

Happy girl as ever in the morning, she grabbed my hand and stuck it in her mouth, as per usual. Immediately I felt a little razor.

Coincidentally (or perhaps not) she found her voice overnight. All morning she talked as loudly as she could and she looked at me every few minutes to see my reactions. I phoned my mom and she couldn't stop giggling at the goofy background noises her granddaughter was making.

I hope that I'm able to cultivate my daughter's voice so that in her life she can always say what she needs to say. And bite back, when necessary.

It is a bittersweet thing, watching this little girl grow.

near-disaster

security breach!

some local WAHM businesses are running a huge promotion - lots of giveaways - but you had to 'like' them on FB and then add comments on their blogs.

i was busy admiring their products and entering their contests ... and i did not realize that i was still logged into this blog and that all of my comments were linking to this clandestine tale of infertility woe. i realized after 2 comments that 'one-hit_wonder' was showing up and i hastily beat a retreat, deleting my comments.

hopefully my tracks were erased in time. i know friends and family members were entering the same contest ...

what a way to 'out' myself.

why am i being so secretive about my reproductive history, still? my stunning and talented and funny daughter is finally here and loving it. but there's a topic for another post.

to change the subject, my darling daughter has pretty much learned how to put herself to sleep at night. i am so ridiculously proud of her, you'd think she was valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar, at the very least! it took her 20 minutes to nod off and i only had to comfort her once. other than that, she played until she drifted off. :)

infertility: beginnings and endings

I've talked before about where infertility histories end. I don't think they do ever end. Even though I've turned out not to be infertile - it's my husband who has that dubious honour - and even though I have a gorgeous daughter who ought to make me forget all the pain, my scars remain prominent (although they feel different now because when I hurt I have my Ninja to squeeze). I still ache at pregnancy announcements. I'll never stop wishing that I had a 'normal' conception story - that I woke my husband early one morning with a squeal and a still-damp positive pregnancy test.

But where do our infertility histories start? Does it start when you don't conceive immediately? Or with the passage of an unsuccessful year of trying? Or the first visit to a specialist?

Perhaps I'm asking the wrong questions here. Sorry to get all philosophical here, but the assumption that the story has a beginning and an end is not the way in which stories are seen anymore. Our stories are fragments, whisperings, leaps from here to there. Infertility is no exception; our history with it swirls inward on itself.

Jackie over at Beyond the Brick Wall wrote an interesting post about her infertility history. It's a reminder that, as another poster commented, infertility is "the culmination of a lifetime of experiences that for almost every little girl has revolved around becoming a mommy one day." Please read it.

the power of positive thinking

because, of course, if we just Stay Positive, we'll eventually pee Positive!

so say many fertiles, of course. (you know i don't really believe that nonsense!)

loribeth over at The Road Less Travelled has an interesting post about this line of thought.

tough love parenting

first night of Tough Love parenting went remarkably well.

first time since last summer that i got 8 hours of sleep (not consecutive, but i don't mind that at all).

dh put ninja in a crib (sob sob - she has always slept with me so far) after she nursed for a bit and it took two hours until she fell asleep. i went in at 12:30 to nurse (45 minutes - a full feeding) and then ninja slept straight until 6:30! this is unheard of in our house! then she played for a bit beside me - about half an hour - then nursed herself back to sleep beside me until 9:45.

could this be real?

even if it never happens again, it was a nice reprieve. lol waking up 12 to 20 times/night to nurse was really wearing me down.

i am under dh's strict instructions while he's gone for the next two weeks: no nightlight, no alarm clock light, ninja must spend first part of night in crib (she gets too distracted when i'm beside her), and she may nurse up to (but not exceeding) three times unless she is sick.

the (now pregnant!) wiseguy commented on the last post that ninja seems like a strong personality and that that must not be fun for me. well, ninja is indeed hefty in both body and spirit but i thoroughly adore her the way she is. :) no matter how hard she is, she is mine and i love her the way she is.

ok, jumping right back into blogging

and of course the first real post is about ... drumroll please ... rat a tat tat ... the baby not sleeping.

she does.not.sleep.

at almost five months of age, i still have no idea what her preferences are re: routine. i'm not much for imposing schedules - i wanted to wait and see what her natural rhythms were - but apparently she prefers everything loose and free. this is not okay with me.

typical day: wake up after 10 hours in bed (often less), play with mommy for an hour, nurse for an hour (after fighting mommy for half an hour), play, nurse (after fighting mommy), fight mommy to stay awake, fight mommy to stay awake (repeat this cycle until bedtime), bedtime, nurse, wakey wakey, sleep for 45 minutes, nurse, fight to stay awake, then finally go down for night (waking every 20 minutes to 2 hours to nurse), then morning again.

there are many variations but they all involve too little sleep for the ninja. from what i know, babies at this age are supposed to sleep an average of 14 hours a day. mine sleeps maaaaaybe 11 or 12, minus all the night nursing time. two nights ago, for example, she only finally went to bed at 12 am and then decided at 5:30 that it was time to get up - and in between those two times, she wanted to nurse every 20 minutes.

right now dh and i decided to change things cold turkey. i have tried to make changes but it's difficult when i'm by myself with ninja most of the time, as dh works up north. i have done the best i can do. i try to tank her up during the day so that she will sleep better, both day and night, but ninja doesn't care to nurse when the sun shines. i also tried making her nurse for full sessions at night because she wants to eat for a few minutes every 30-60 minutes but that also didn't work - i was too exhausted dealing with her by myself and she just didn't want to nurse on command.

but, for tonight, dh has her. i nursed her until she - of course - woke herself right up, and now dh has her. i'm not allowed to see ninja until 12:30 a.m. to nurse, then at 4:30, and then at 8:30. she can easily go 5 hours during the day without nursing and so we figured that she should be able to go for 4-hour stretches at night.

i am not asking the popular "when will she sleep through the night?" question. i expect and accept that this will not happen for a long time. i am fine with night-nursing. i am ok with my own sleep deprivation. what i am not okay with is her own absolute fatigue. babies need sleep for many reasons, one of which is proper brain development. she needs sleep. how can i give it to her?

i will try really hard to maintain this plan - imposing a night schedule - but it's so hard with a very demanding baby. i love her to pieces, it's not about that. it's just that i am almost (ALMOST) glad that i couldn't have a baby when i first tried because i would never ever have had the patience to deal with this lovely but high-needs child. i do have the patience now, though. it's tough but we're working on it!