explanation

i live in a bible belt. i won't say which denominations are popular but several are pretty hardcore.

spanking kids is still considered normal here. i was spanked as a kid, even though i don't feel that it helped me at all; in fact, i think it delayed my development. (i am afraid of authority and i'm nonconfrontational to the point of having to be passive-aggressive at times although i've really improved in the last few years.) i could be reasoned with although no one ever took the time to do this.

i'm not criticizing my parents, though. they did what was popular at the time. besides, their brand of spanking was 'lite' compared to the abuse my dad took when he was a kid. incidentally, my parents now say that, if they were to parent all over again, they would not spank.

i do not believe in spanking. i'm into attachment parenting, peaceful parenting, or whatever you want to call it. to me, it's just common sense - to read a baby's/child's cues and to respond appropriately - but apparently i'm in the minority. anyway, whatever. i don't mean to start a debate on that point. i know this is a loaded topic.

my cousin - the one whose baby was due two days apart from my first baby (whom i subsequently miscarried) - posted something on FB about reading the book 'To Train Up a Child' by Debi and Michael Pearl, part of the cohort of 'christian baby trainers' (a kind of christian author who is in favour of rigid schedules, cry-it-out, spanking, etc. - not all christians are like this - see the Sears books on parenting, for instance).

i'm on an anti-pearl FB group because their book amounts to no more than a child abuse manual. if you believe in hitting an infant, go read and follow that book. yep, it's that bad. they are crazies. and their book has sold over a million copies. scary.

here are a few quotations:

-On p.79 they recommend whipping a 7 month old for screaming: A seven-month-old boy had, upon failing to get his way, stiffened clenched his fists, bared his toothless gums and called down damnation on the whole place. At a time like that, the angry expression on a baby’s face can resemble that of one instigating a riot. The young mother, wanting to do the right thing, stood there in helpless consternation, apologetically shrugged her shoulders and said, “What can I do?” My incredulous nine-year-old whipped back, “Switch him.” The mother responded, “I can’t, he’s too little.” With the wisdom of a veteran who had been on the little end of the switch, my daughter answered, “If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be spanked.”

-On p.56 Debi Pearl trades blows with a 2 year old: This time, her bottom came off the couch as she drew back to return the blow; and I heard a little karate like wheeze come from somewhere deep inside.

-The Pearls recommend pulling a nursing infant’s hair (p.7): One particularly painful experience of nursing mothers is the biting baby. My wife did not waste time finding a cure. When the baby bit, she pulled hair (an alternative has to be sought for baldheaded babies).

(thank you to Why Not Train a Child for the quotations.)

my cousin is hugely into this kind of thing. she quotes scripture on it and her interpretations would do the pharisees proud. i know all the references. i grew up in a church like hers. i used to believe in all of that discourse. i don't anymore. i even spent a chapter of my thesis critiquing my culture's beliefs about corporal punishment.

i went in to my bedroom, held my sleeping daughter, and cried. i vowed to her that i will never, ever treat her with anything less than respect and love. i will be hugely firm and consistent with her. i will do my best to teach her how to mother her own children.

i had to say something to my cousin. other people were reading what she said about the book and i had to at least try to protect the innocent children out there whose caregivers might actually read that book because of seeing it on FB. i gave examples of the abusive techniques espoused by the pearls. i called that book out as a child abuse manual and i cited references.

my words incited a FB war. i got laughed at and i was quoted-scripture-at and i was accused (most ironically) of misquoting and misinterpreting. i haven't returned to the conversation to see what else people said. it makes me feel frantic that people would beat their innocent children and babies.

and the implications about myself as a parent ... sigh. apparently i am a terrible parent because i don't believe in spanking my baby for not 'obeying' me (e.g., playing with her food, trying to get out of naps. hello, she is EIGHT MONTHS OLD!). i'm not parenting in a godly manner. and so on.

today my cousin posted more nonsense, including a video of a male preacher going on about spanking. her comment: if you don't spank your kids, you hate them.

i am so sad that anyone would think that about me because i don't believe in spanking. i cherish my precious daughter. she is my gift and my best thing. i love her so much that i'm willing to take the time to guide her with patience and creativity. i want her to grow up to become a vocal, unique, creative, smart, inquisitive, kind, powerful woman. dh and i will NOT raise her to cower in fear of authority (despite how she would have been raised in our culture in the past). and she is going to turn out great and we will be proud of her.

i've ceased to ask where the justice is in all of this. the word 'justice' can't appear logically in any conversation (or monologue, in this case) about infertility, as we all know. i've wanted a baby for a long time. my cousin has a bunch. her last baby is the one i should have had.yep, that's how i feel about it. he should have been mine. she is raising him up in The Way of the Lord. i'm afraid for him and for his siblings and for all other children who are raised to be terrified of their parents and of adults in general. because that's supposed to reflect 'fear of the Lord.' (oh, the painful literalism of the interpretation nearly kills me.)

be afraid. be very afraid.

i hold my daughter even closer and i pray she will never fall prey to the christian baby trainers.