24 weeks

Hit viability today! :)

I told DH, and he feigned nonchalance, but as soon as I left for work apparently he phoned his mom to tell her the news.

Cute, huh?

the unreasonable rant of a 'formerly IF' pregnant woman

My brother called me today.

His wife is in her second trimester.

An 'oops.' (Despite her messed-up cycles and despite the fact that she was on the pill.)

They just found out.

I was so angry. Cried for hours.

Why is it so easy for some people? Why couldn't it have been one of my IF friends? Why couldn't it have been me, say, 2 or 3 years ago?

What if I lose my baby? What an effin horrible tangible reminder I'm going to have.

What timing. When I'm avoiding my family because they don't care that they've hurt me.

What if the last ART cycle hadn't worked? I think I would've thrown myself off a bridge by now.

I know in the long run I'll be glad about this news: it'll be good for our kid to have a cousin who will be his/her own age. For now, I'm aware that this post sounds like the unreasonable rant of a tired and overworked pregnant woman.

It's just that the 'infertile' mindset, as I've mentioned previously, is not going away.

DH and I should've moved abroad, as we'd planned. My parents would 'have' their grandchild - my brother and SIL's kid - and this family blowout would never have happened.

23 weeks, 4 days

And so close to 'V-Day' - viability, which is 24 weeks. That would be Tuesday. I.can't.wait.

DH 'saw' the baby move for the first time yesterday. My stomach bounces slightly when Ninja practices his moves, and I made DH watch until he caught it a few times. He was in an uproar over it. Let's just say that I've never had a pot belly, so the whole spectacle of his wife's animated beer gut is fascinating to him!

Ninja moves a lot more now. I usually feel him in the mornings, especially before I get out of bed and when I'm sitting down at school to do attendance. It's hugely reassuring.

Had some weird uterus action yesterday. I'm going to check online to see if it was Braxton Hicks or what (?). It felt like waves starting at my uterus that washed over me. I noticed it happen twice, late at night. My mind was alarmed, but really, my body felt fine - it didn't hurt; in fact, it was somewhat pleasurable - but it was something that definitely redirected my attention and made me feel conscious of my body. If I get it again today, though, I'm going to phone my midwife. I've refrained from bugging her about anything so far, but I think I should ask her about this.

Overall, I still feel great. No complaints thus far. Really, I'm not just saying that because I'm a formerly infertile woman who vowed never to bitch about a pregnancy. I have nothing bad to say about being pregnant. I like it. I hope that at least one of my future frostie cycles works so that I get to do this again, but if not, I know I've loved this wonderful time I've had.

Only thing tainting it is my family. It's all very sour right now. I ran into my parents at a fast-food place and had a huge blow-out with my mom, right in public view, though I felt that that wasn't the time or the place for it. What it all comes down to for my family is that they didn't and don't have time. I am very, very sad about this. I moved back home to be close to my family - I thought they'd want to help with the pregnancy and the baby - and now I regret it. If I had known this would happen, I would've stayed where I was (far away).

But, to end on a happy note, my job is great, and that sure helps. This is the first position I've held where I actually feel as though I'm on top of things. My lessons are well planned, I'm basically on top of marking, I'm able to do some extracurricular stuff, I'm getting good feedback from kids and parents/guardians, etc.

So that's the scoop for now!

almost 23 weeks! long post!

Well, I said I'd try posting from my e-mail, but was too exhausted and overrun this week to try it out! I put in a ton of hours - especially because of two evening events at the school. I woke up on Thursday morning at 5 a.m. to my first-ever charley horse (sp?) - YOWCH! - so I guess that's a sign that I need to stay off my feet.

Things are good. The school division offered to change my contract from part-time to 100% - YEAH! That makes a big difference on my paycheque, plus it means that I'm eligible sooner for maternity leave. :) :) :) Now if I have to leave in mid-December, it'll be fine. What a relief! Though I'm still going to try to work as long as I can.

Job is going really well. Admin has been hugely supportive (the principal even comes to check on me in person to make sure I'm not overdoing it), parents have been good, and the kids are fun. I have a large number of highly obnoxious boys, but that's par for the course. Good thing I actually think teenaged boys are funny, although of course a lot on the smelly side. haha

In pregnancy news, my left boob started to 'work' on Monday. I know what colostrum looks like, due to my knowledge of dairy farming (my parents keep extra cow colostrum in the freezer - stored in 2-litre pop bottles - for use on premature and sick calves), and yes, that's what came out. lol But I haven't seen any more since then. Good to know that things are working, though. My boobs are the same size as they were pre-pg - though that will change shortly, of course - but man are my nips ever huge!

Belly keeps growing. DH laughs his ass off every time he sees me. lol So I just ask, "Does this baby make me look fat?" He thinks that's the funniest thing ever. He's very grumpy, though, about not being able to hug me tight or to lie on top of me (he shows affection by draping himself all over me). So our sex life is pretty much nonexistent these days, since only 2 positions seem to work: but he hates one of them and I hate the other. lol

Ninja is not living up to his name so far, though! lol He's quiet all morning and afternoon - even if I drink Coke or coffee or orange juice - and then it's party time at night. Yesterday was the first time that I felt him move nearly all day, which was lovely. He made me giggle when he was bopping around while I tried to be Serious and Erudite Teacher. lol

My inlaws do NOT like to hear that Ninja is still for most of the day, which is understandable, given the family's dead baby history. So I try not to worry them by just not mentioning it. My MIL is still pretending that it's just business as usual - she's said to DH that she's still terrified to get her hopes up. She keeps coming across good used baby items - diapers, snowsuits, etc. - but doesn't buy them because What If. But I think DH and I are very understanding of her feelings, so that's fine.

At the same time, though, we do have to get moving on baby shopping. My first 'big' purchases will be a sling and 0-3 month diapers. Thank goodness for the bump in my salary, since DH still hasn't received a cheque since June!

I've also decided, given my family's annoying behaviour as of late, just to leave my mom out of the baby shower idea. I won't have one, then, but I'm ok with that. I didn't want it for the 'stuff' as much as I wanted the celebration of new life, but I guess all those people will come by at some point anyway, so it's ok. And as far as the 'stuff' goes, DH and I feel pretty minimalist, so we'll figure out how to take care of it. Sadly, everyone our age is long done having babies, so we won't get hand-me-downs.

Still no ultrasound appointment. And Misfit mentioned something in a blog comment: that it shouldn't be legal for a hospital to withhold medical information about me...from me! (Even though I won't ask about gender, I should have a right to find out if I wanted to!) When I thought about it that way, I realized that I am not willing to have an ultrasound there, no matter what. If I don't get in at another city - where I have full access to my own medical information - I will not agree to an ultrasound. Or I'll just pay to get a 4D done.

Supermouse brought up a great point in her comment on my last post: not to get fixated on what kind of birth I want, in case things don't work out the way I planned. I've noticed that a lot of women assume that things will go their way for their births, and they're heartbroken when labour and delivery take a different turn. With all the miscarriages and stillbirths in my husband's family, I think I've got a good handle on what to expect. Which is basically: don't hope for anything more than a healthy baby. I know what I really want - an unmedicated and 'natural' experience - but at the same time, I'm flexible. I'll do whatever needs to be done, and I refuse to beat myself up if things don't go the way I'd hoped.

Case in point: I know a woman due at the beginning of January who just had her baby a few days ago ... at 24 weeks. Things often don't go as planned. (Baby seems to be doing as well as can be expected, though, which is wonderful.) In light of this news, I gave Ninja a stern talking-to: STAY IN UTERO UNTIL JANUARY. Not as though a lecture will accomplish anything useful, especially with a kid as stubborn as ours will be, I'm sure, but whatever.

Ok, I've written enough for now!

almost 5 months!

First week of classes: great. I have Grade 9s, mostly, and they are annoying, funny, and smart. I deal well with all of those things. lol Seriously, I liked them very much, which is such a relief. But I am so, so busy. I'm technically part-time, as you may recall, but I put in at least 50 hours from Mon-Fri. Staying off my feet is going to be a challenge.

Thesis: committee loved it. Must start editing today.

House: not unpacked and yard is a disaster.

Family: thumbs down. They were/are (and I quote) "too busy" to help us with anything. I am not going to drop this, so a heated discussion is still in the works.

ANYWAY ... Baby: :)

It's hard to believe that I'm almost - fingers crossed supertight - at the viability date (meaning that if Ninja were born, he'd have a shot of making it).

My belly is officially poking out past my boobs, as DH pointed out. lol I haven't really gained much weight, though - maybe 7 or 8 pounds? The rest of my body is the same size as it was before: just my stomach is big. People are fascinated with pregnant women's bellies, though, which I never noticed before. I get stared at all the time. Funny.

DH felt the baby move, finally, for the first time last weekend. He was nonchalant about it: said it just felt like two soft little bumps against his hand. Then, on Sunday night, he was busy pushing my stomach around - as though it were a vat of bread dough, only my belly is tight - when he suddenly stopped, eyes opened wide. I felt it, too: something round and hard on my right side. The baby's head! DH got excited and started enthusiastically poking around again, when his eyes grew even bigger: he said the baby scratched him on his hand! I didn't feel that, but I thought it was wonderful. I'm glad he was the first one to feel those kinds of things. :) It's all becoming a bit more real to us.

Was supposed to have an ultrasound 2 weeks ago, but I still haven't received an appointment. We put in a request to go to a bigger city for the u/s, since our local hospital has dumb and archaic rules about doing them (e.g., they won't tell gender, dads aren't allowed in for the bulk of the procedure, you have to pay for 2 grainy pictures, you have to get undressed even though it's not transvaginal, etc.). I was not ok with DH not being in there with me for the first 3/4 of it, and my midwife agreed, so she is trying to send us to a bigger and more liberal hospital elsewhere (the reason she's giving is the IVF: she told the regional health authority that she needs a more detailed ultrasound to ensure that things are going well). Good woman! She does a lot to alleviate my stress level.

Speaking of stress, we tried to go baby shopping for the first time. That was an unequivocal failure. We spent all of 5 minutes in the store, and DH whined about how he didn't want to do any of it (well I don't really want to, either, but we are going to need such things as blankets and diapers!). So we gave up. Later, he said, "Oh man, I guess we are going to have to do this, though, eh? It's only four months away." I rolled my eyes and said, "Uh huh." lol

So that's the scoop! Now I'm off to check out some of the blogs I'm trying to keep up with! Can't do this stuff from work, as you never know if administration is keeping an eye on visited web sites. But thanks to Wise Guy for pointing out that I'm able to post on my blog from my e-mail address - I'll give that a try!

20 weeks, 4 days

I'm still alive, I promise!

Just very little internet access, still. Though I am online in my classroom, I don't want to go on my blog there, just in case Big Brother is checking which web sites I visit. DH and I are talking about not getting internet at home, just to save time and $. We'll see.

Physically, I'm still great. DH keeps giggling at my belly. He thinks it's funny, but he loves it (he even thinks I look hot, which I love!).

He still hasn't felt movement, though, although I've felt kicks externally for a few weeks. Every time I put his hand on my belly, the baby freezes!

Thursday was the first (and only, so far) day that I FELT pregnant. I was really short of breath all day, had to walk very slowly, stop and sit every so often, and had abdominal cramps. So I drank lots of water and took it slow. It was an interesting feeling.

Stressed, though. Had a good cry in my midwife's office about my unaccommodating family, which helped, though I'm still angry at them. I haven't seen them in 2 weeks - my mom still hasn't seen my new house, incidentally, though she lives 20 minutes away - and I know I'll have to deal with it soon. Yuck.

Plus work is crazy. My schedule kept changing, so I didn't know what I was teaching. I've been working for the last few weeks, getting ready for the start of the school year, but I'm still not nearly at the point I should be. I'm a little worried about overdoing it next week. On my first day with the kids I have no prep (I have hall duty), plus lunch duty. Good thing I'm active, anyway, so I'm in decent shape, but still.

Anyway, eye on the prize. I hit 20 weeks last Tuesday, so I'm over halfway there! I found out that as long as I work a minimum of 600 hours, I will, in fact, qualify for the full 50 weeks of employment insurance that the government offers. So - fingers crossed - if I work until Christmas holidays, and then somehow get in another 12 hours after that, I'll qualify. Hurray, hurray, hurray.

My midwife gave me a few books by Ina May Gaskin, a renowned midwife. One was called Spiritual Midwifery, and I can't remember the other title. They were fascinating. Very hippie-ish (e.g., I smooched my man through the rushes and it was so groovy! I felt like a monkey!), interesting and enlightening. A different way of looking at labour and delivery, for sure, and I'm into that.