new specialist

I'm finally going to a clinic to get a referral to an infertility specialist. If I have to wait more than 2 or 3 months, I will check into American options. Don't really care anymore how much this costs.

dh wants to adopt

Good thing I didn't test - af is here. Been sick and tired all day.

Last night, my dh brought up adoption for the first time. Not that we haven't discussed it before - I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager - but he said with some conviction that we should give a good home to a great kid. I said no. Adoption for me right now would be a second choice, and that's not fair to any kid. Plus, we would likely get a child who is a minority, and we live in a culture that is, shall we say, less than accepting of other colours of skin. I can't imagine what it would be like for a Chinese or Haitian child in our culture.

I don't know. I want to adopt, but I see it as a separate thing from having biological children. I want them both, but I want them separately, because I don't see adoption as just an option in case of permanent infertility, if that makes any sense.

Argh, I don't know if that's all clear, and I'm too tired to re-read all that.

I would like to add, though, that just because this is my current opinion doesn't mean that I think I'm right about it. I'd like to have other peoples' opinions on it.

Now what's up? My auntie is late...

Af hasn't officially shown up yet, and I'm at 14 dpo, which is two days late for me. I'm spotting, but it's scant, and it is definitely not my period yet. So I'm wondering what's going on, but I am so afraid to get my hopes up. I wanted to buy a pg test tonight -which I never do - but I chickened out.

medical update

Yikes, I didn't realize that it had been 3 months since my last post, so here's a short update on all things infertility-related:

Had my laparoscopy. FINALLY. After it was cancelled umpteen billion times. (The procedure is not a big deal, by the way.) The results?: No endo, fibroids, adhesions, or anything of the sort. My doctor observed a corpus luteum on my left ovary. He wrote in my report, though, that the right ovary appears to be anovulatory. That was devastating to read. I suspected that much, since I don't ever feel mittelschmerz on the right side, but it was still numbing to see it in print.

The final diagnosis: Unexplained infertility.

Great. We're right back where we started from.

So now, since we moved, I need to get back onto a waiting list for the closest infertility clinic. That will probably take until after Christmas.

I don't think I can take another family Christmas with everyone's kids. I've been a good sport about it up until now, because I truly love them, but all I want is to have babies like my nieces and nephews. It hurts most especially when I'm hugging the ones who look like my dh. They've all got the same eyes.

Calling this blog Rocked by Faith was optimistic.

Calling this blog Rocked by Faith was optimistic.

I do not feel rocked by faith. I feel angry and mad and pissed off.

I've not been keeping up with this blog for a while now because I reached a crisis point in my faith, and I couldn't face the idea of writing about it. I was at the point of not believing in God anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want to, because I did, but I just couldn't.

How can there be a God who would deny the right of reproduction to a decent human being? It is a fundamental right. The idea of reproduction is the oldest thing in the world, starting with Adam and Eve, as the Bible says, being made in the image of God. It's supposed to be so natural, easy, second-nature. You have sex with someone you love, and who you're committed to, and then you're supposed to get pregnant.

Oh, but not for me. And not for all the other women in my life - 4 I know of - who can't have kids and who, coincidentally, would be the greatest moms ever. We're supposed to sit and be content with what we have. Because "maybe God didn't intend for you to be mothers." Yes, that's right. It's "not your time yet." "Be patient; wait on the Lord." "Focus on your career." "You're lucky you don't have kids - you have your figure, more money, and more time." Oh, wait, here's the kicker: "Just relax and it will happen."

Oh, no. Instead, it's all the losers I know who are having kids. Those kids should be mine, not theirs. I don't run off and sleep around, do drugs, get drunk. I wouldn't pawn my kids off on relatives so that I could go and party. Why do THEY get to have children? I hate this.

So I am certainly not rocked by faith, or by anything else, for that matter, except for my anger and sadness. I did decide, finally, to stick with faith, even though faith isn't sticking by me, if that makes any sense. I thought that I'd stay with God during this crisis point, even though I didn't want to, and I didn't feel anything. That's what I'm doing right now.

I can't sleep, and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.