deferred dreams

I can't work hard enough or spend enough money to get what I want: a baby.

I can work my way (or spend my way) to anything else. But the most special thing seems to be unattainable for us. I mean, I get anything else I want in my professional life. Anything I'm interested in seems to happen for me if I work hard enough for it (and I mean things that I NEVER thought I'd get, like travel, huge scholarships, and fantastic work opportunities). I'm even applying for a Fulbright scholarship. I mean, why not?

But no baby is coming, so far, despite my massive efforts (and $) to the contrary. I think that this aspect of infertility really bothers American women (as well as Canadian women, like me) in a certain way because of the historical idea of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. The American dream and all that. That you and you alone are in charge of your path. Infertility really mixes up that idea.

Sorry to get all philosophical. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

doubting god's decision-making

I would be a great mother. I already 'mother' people in my life; e.g., my little niece and nephews, the children I teach, my husband (I'm sad to say! lol), and others.

I accept responsibility for my actions. I make wise choices for my life. I care. I have a good sense of humour. I work hard. I'm a passionate learner. I appreciate beauty. I am spiritual, and I'm in tune with my own spirit. I am able to teach others without being overt; I teach by asking questions and encouraging metacognition. I lead by being a shepherd, and this is not an easy task - it means being willing to allow those in your charge to make their own mistakes. I'm not afraid of criticism. When I'm wrong, I say so. I am willing to change my mind when I'm convinced about something. I am smart. I am wildly creative.

So when God sends children to people who don't even want them, I am left questioning why he is not using my experiences and skills? I feel that he is wasting my talents.

You may reply by saying that he is using these abilities in other, less obvious, ways. Perhaps. But I could still have my abilities used in those subtle ways and still mother children directly, too. It's not an 'either-or' proposition.

here we go again...

I got af today, so there's the same old answer.

I want to pray that God will take my desire away, if I'm not allowed to have kids, so that this pain will abate.

I don't know what else to say.

cruel and unnatural punishment

I'm 10 dpo today, and started spotting.

The eternal optimist in me says "implantation spotting!," but the pessismist in me (which rules about all things ttc) says, "AF IS ON HER MERRY WAY!!! Mwah ha ha ha!"

Other than that, bbs hurt like crazy, as always before af.

Isn't it so cruel that the symptoms of early pregnancy are the same as impending af? It's cruel and unnatural punishment, I tell ya.

I'm confused...

I failed to mention that the FIRST niece I was talking about earlier is, indeed, pregnant. And got huffy with me for 'exposing' her secret. Get this: She posted her news on Facebook! My dh phoned our sister-in-law to ask about it, and she didn't know! No one knew except for the grandparents! So everybody found out through me. And I keep trying to congratulate her, and I keep getting snippy messages in return.

The niece I mentioned in my last post is a different one. ALSO found out about it yesterday on FACEBOOK. Although it wasn't her fault - her sister-in-law (yet another of my nieces) posted the news on her own page.

Yes, where is the justice, I ask you? And why is Facebook now the podium from which all this personal information must be shared?

Panic at the baby-making disco

Today I had my first anxiety attack about this ttc business.

I was supposed to be at a public forum where I was to meet potential advisors, make connections, etc. Very important for my career.

And I almost couldn't go because I started feeling light-headed, feeling my heart race, etc. And I was feeling too depressed to get off my chair and go to the meeting.

I went to the bathroom to calm down, and when I looked in the mirror, there were wrinkles under my eyes. I could hardly believe it - I'm 29, but I look 20. Until today. Ha.

I'm starting to get scared about this.

blah

I just found out today that another niece is having a baby. This will be my FOURTH great-niece or -nephew. I am happy that I'll have a new baby to play with, and pi$$ed off as heck that I can't be pregnant, too. Hey, at least I got a referral to my new RE, although who knows when the first appointment will be. So when my niece is getting her first ultrasound, maybe I'll be getting my first ultrasound to see if I even OVULATED yet on whatever horrible drug I'll get put on.

I feel guilty for being so angry when I should be just happy for my niece, who deserves it. But I am really angry and bitter and jealous. I'm sitting here crying, and I said to my husband that I don't think I can go to the family gathering for Christmas: too many pregnant women and babies. He commented that we'll never go home for anything again, then, if that was how I felt about it. So I can't talk to him about this right now. Usually he tries not to say things like that.

And I have no close friends to confide to in person. I have one good friend who is going through the same thing, but she lives far away, and I don't want to obsess to her too much because I don't know if she feels better or worse after our infertility conversations. I'd hate to make her feel worse.

I did ovulate on Thursday (possibly Wednesday). I didn't make a big deal of it, and I didn't tell dh until it was over. I want to say at this point, defiantly, that it's because nothing will happen, anyway. But then I think, "Oh, but what if you just spoke that into existence, and if you hadn't said it, you would've found yourself pregant at the end of the 2-week wait." So then I feel screwed either way. I don't want to hope too much, but I can't not hope.

So, so sick to death of all this.

Someone asked me about my post on adoption. They were very insightful comments, and I think you pegged me down exactly.

Yes, adoption. A worthwhile and holy enterprise, without a doubt. Joseph adopted Jesus, even at the expense of his reputation. In turn, God says he has adopted all of us into his family. What could be better than that? As I said previously, I see adoption and personal childbearing as two separate things, and I always thought that I would wish to adopt whether or not I have biological children. I think that an adopted child would be lucky to have me, and that I'd be lucky to have him/her. Now I'm starting to wonder: If I can't have biological children, will I still adopt? I know that I would love that child without question, as I do for all of the children in my classroom. However, I would still long for biological children, and I NEVER want an adopted child to feel secondary in any way. I wouldn't see an adopted child that way, but kids are smart, and they would catch on to the fact that I'm sad because I can't get have a biological child, and they would likely infer that they were a second choice (when in fact they would not be a second choice for me). Does that ramble make sense?

I also take issue with the cultural issues surrounding international adoption (which is what we would do because we want a very young child), especially because of my studies in postcolonialism. Sorry for the jargon here, but the implications of a cross-cultural adoption are staggering to me, especially since I come from a HIGHLY patriarchal, WHITE, and CONSERVATIVELY Christian culture. A Chinese, black, aboriginal, or Hispanic (to name just a few examples) child would more than likely be treated 'differently' by our community. Perhaps just a few comments and stares. (I don't think my dh and I care about a baby's skin colour. We are a touch more enlightened than that.) But I'm guessing that a deep-rooted racism would rear its ugly head. And I don't know if I can justify raising, for example, an aboriginal child within my Christian culture if he or she would have been raised with traditional native beliefs, had he or she been blessed enough to remain with blood relatives. To my mind, if I had that child, that may be cultural genocide. However, as witnessed in the horrific aboriginal childcare cases in my home province, maybe the love of a good parent - despite skin colour - is better than a paid caregiver. Well, I don't really have to ask that question because I know what the answer is: a loving parent is a loving parent, despite culture, race, or creed.

I don't know. It's very complicated for me.

"So why not adopt an older child via domestic adoption?," you may ask. I'm a little bit afraid of that, having taught children who were being cared for by the state, and who were available for adoption down the road. They often have so many needs, such as Fetal Alchohol Syndrome. And that is so tough. So very tough on the child.

Ugh. I don't know. I have 50,000 questions, but no answers.

would you like some cheese with that whine?

My aforementioned niece has now scribbled this on her web site: "I am tired of my clothes not fitting."

Boo freakin' hoo.

Why do I torture myself by looking at it? I've got to stop. But it's like when you're a kid, and you keep wiggling your loose tooth, even when it's all sore and bloody. It's compulsive.