my sister-in-law 'outed' DH and me. remember, we've been super-private about infertility. well, she blabbed about our infertility AND about our IVF (i don't even know how she knew about the IVF!!!!!!!!!! - i never told anyone IRL that i did IVF to get ninja!).
the only reason she knew about the infertility at all (in vague terms) was because our geneticist wanted DH and i to ask her about a syndrome her stillborn daughter had in case it affected our potential offspring. i trusted her because she's been through 4 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths, and so i figured she'd understand my request for confidentiality.
nope, she didn't. SHE TOLD HER PRAYER CHAIN AT CHURCH! and not even in vague terms but in sordid detail!
now keep in mind that we live in smalltown-land where we all know each other.
so a woman i don't even know asked me point-blank today about doing IVF. she had been in that prayer chain. she and i have a whole bunch of mutual friends, including her daughter who works at the school where i hope to be employed in the new year. so, yeah, everybody knows.
i am so angry and hurt. i had many reasons for keeping IF and IVF a secret:
-it gave me some control over a powerless situation.
-most people i know will not agree with the ethics of IVF and there will be a backlash that will affect not only dh, ninja, and me but also our family and friends.
- i do not want dh getting teased about his mf infertility.
-i do not want ninja getting harassed for being a 'test tube baby' (which is a misnomer anyway).
-i just don't want to field questions about it in general, or get asked about when we're going back for the frosties, or if we're 'trying.' i do not want to discuss it. it hurts me too much.
-and i don't want judgement rained down on my head if we don't attempt to use all 4 frozen embryos (because that would mean that we are baby killers).
but SIL told her prayer chain at church. because apparently letting the prayer chain IN A SMALL TOWN know is more important than respecting my repeated requests for silence.
what right did she have to hijack my life and to tell my story on my behalf??????????
(this isn't the first time this has happened, as well. another SIL didn't respect my dh's wishes for confidentiality about my miscarriage, if you recall, and she went and did the prayer chain thing ... and included my mother-in-law.)
dh phoned her to see what happened because i am too ticked off to talk to her. she started crying on the phone and said that it was just for prayer support.
how come so many christians use 'prayer support' as an excuse to gossip??????????!!!!!!
i am so turned off of 'church' and 'christians' as it is and this has not helped matters.
she and i will have it out about this. i will never be able to trust her again. she was going to be ninja's godmother - now, forget it. i need someone i can trust to do that job.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
here is what happened
Posted by one-hit_wonder at 10:03 p.m.
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18 comments:
Erm, WOW! What a SILly woman...
I know perfectly well how much family can let you down, and I am very sorry for what you are going through, especially since it could have been prevented, if your SIL bothered to listen to your pleas for discretion. But she didn't and now you have this mess to deal with. I hope the consequences you feared are minimal.
Your reasons for wanting privacy are all very valid. Love your comment about using prayer as an excuse for gossip, lol. Good luck with confronting your SIL... I'm sure this is not going to be easy, but she should know that this was NOT HELPFUL.
Eurgh. That's horrible. And so impossible NOT to tell her, after your doc asked you to. And crying when you guys pulled her up on it... that's just childish! Did she apologise?
If she really cared about helping you and making your life less stressful, just in case, she could have requested prayer in good faith without saying who the person was.
You should be peeved.
I had told my husband that once I told his brother's wife, that I didn't think donor eggs would be a secret anymore. So before anyone got the word out, I decided to talk about what we were/are doing.
Wow. It would be one thing to ask you if you'd like to be prayed for, and another to out you in a small community without your consent.
So sorry you're stuck dealing with this.
How pathetically sad!!! She had NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to talk about it to anybody. If she told one friend, maybe okay, but to reveal it to a group of people all in the name of God is horrible.
I would be uber-ticked off too...and would land up looking at everybody around me suspiciously...maybe everybody knows already.
The role of God and religion...did God as such not know how much you wanted children?
So so sorry!!!! This is terrible!
I am so terribly sorry. I have no idea why Christians use prayer chains to gossip, but we do, with terrible and devestating results.
Lfca - you are so right about confusing support and gossip! Big hug to you.
I'm so sorry this happened. Nobody deserves to have their privacy violated in this way, especially by someone you should be able to trust. I'll be holding you in my thoughts for healing and for support, and I hope your SIL gets a clue in the very near future.
From LFCA.
I would be so hurt and absolutely furious!! I am so sorry this happened to you!!! :( I would not be able to trust her either. There is nothing to "make it better," I'm just so sorry. (I am also not "outed," hence my completely anonymous blog and about 6ppl IRL who know anything, so I get it).
People can be so thoughtless, even if they think they're doing something in your best interests. I'm sorry she took that control away from you. Definitely let her know she has upset you!!
Um, I hate to sound mean, but I think you should be PROUD of your use of IVF to get a baby. Being secretive about it doesn't help anyone and perpetuates the myths that abound.
Yeah, if you want prayer support, you can say "please pray for a couple struggling with infertility and some difficult treatment decisions." If you disagree with the method of treatment, you can ask people to pray that they choose the right one. I have never heard any preacher require that God be given enough details to feed the gossip mill for an intention to work. And using a prayer chain for gossip is bad enough, but using a prayer chain to betray a secret specifically requested is in its own league. What right does she have to cry? She should say, "I was feeling down and I needed the attention. I never gave one thought to how it would affect you, and now that I have, I'm sorry." Then maybe she has a realistic apology. Also, how impressive is her prayer chain if some random member thinks that praying for you at somebody else's request gives her a right to pry into your life? I know, small towns, but WOW.
Sorry, this really aggravates me.
I am so sorry. I wish there were some way I could help, but all I can do is remind you that even though other people know, that doesn't mean you have to discuss it. If I were in your position, I would develop some stock answers, and practice them with your DH, running through several scenarios, so you can both be prepared to deflect questions. Remember - you don't have to justify yourself or your decisions to these people; this is still your private business, even if it's been spread around. You don't have to confirm or deny anything - whether you had or have IF, IVF, how ninja was conceived, anything. Just refuse to engage on the subject. It will give you some control back. By putting the topic off-liits it will limit the amount of vitriol and judgment heaped on you by those who feel IVF is immoral. It will slow the gossip train, because gossip dies down without fuel. And it will quickly get around your small town that you won't discuss the subject, so probably questions will be limited.
I haven't dealt with this exact situation, but I have dealt with a similar one, where my depression was revealed. I found the following lines (I adapted some of them to be appropriate for use by a couple) to be helpful. Some of them might sound rude, but remember that it someone asks you a gossipy question, and you tell them you aren't comfortable discussing the topic, and they press the issue, you have every right to shut them down, hardcore. THEY are the rude one in that situation.
"I'm sorry; that's private."
"We don't discuss that; it's private/personal."
"That's not open for discussion."
"I/We don't feel comfortable discussing that (with others)."
"We don't discuss that part of our lives."
"I said we don't discuss that; why won't you let the subject drop?"
"We told you that's private; why do you keep bringing it up?"
"If you can't respect my privacy/wishes I'm afraid I can't continue this conversation."
((hugs))
Over from LFCA...
I am so sorry she did this to you and your family. There is no excuse - and you're right to feel outrage, anger and extremely hurt over this. It was not done out of kindness or "religious benevolence" - she was malicious and enjoyed it or she wouldn't have betrayed your trust like that.
I believe you're completely justified in telling anyone that asks that you have no idea what your SIL is talking about. Yes, it's technically lying, but she revealed something that was intensely private and would be justified to defend your privacy.
I also think cutting her off or at least putting a whole lot of distance in your relationship with her and any other gossips in your extended family is a good idea - for self preservation.
How selfish of her to not honor your wishes! Sounds like she found your blog or someone she know found it. Hope she gets a good eyeful.
Just because talking about HER issues with everyone was helpful for her DOES NOT mean that it works the same way for you. How dare she break that trust.
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