I wonder sometimes if I have some kind of infertility-related post-traumatic stress disorder. That statue I posted yesterday - looking at it very nearly gave me a panic attack. I don't know why I posted it; it hits too close to home.
I'm not the only one in this house who feels this way. DH and I were talking yesterday on the phone. Somehow we very vaguely got onto the topic of faith. Keep in mind that we haven't attended church in over three years.
DH (sullenly): I don't want to talk about that. Not over the phone.
Me (confused): Talk about what?
DH: That.
Me: I don't know what we're talking about.
DH: I'm mad. I know we should take Ninja to Sunday School but for me to sit in a pew ... I'd feel ...
Me: Like a hypocrite.
DH: Yes. (Pause.) Why didn't God want us to have her? Why did it have to take so long?
Me: I'm pretty broken up about that, too. I don't know what to think.
DH: When my sister (who happens to be a deacon's wife) says that Ninja is a miracle, I want to say "no, we paid the doctor to make her."
Me: All I know is that she's here, so to me it is a kind of miracle.
DH: Yeah.
Me: I guess, though I'm not cool with how long it took, I'm coming to see - very grudgingly - that if we'd had Ninja when we first wanted her, we would never have had the patience required to parent her. You know how we are. Now we're old enough and wise enough to have the patience. She is the perfect kid for us, stretching us in the ways we need to be challenged.
DH: Yeah.
Me: And if we'd had a kid when we first wanted to, we would not have Ninja. We'd have a different kid.
(Quiet.)
Me: That's just the way I am trying to think about it.
DH: I don't want to talk about this over the phone.
Me: Ok.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
yesterday's phone conversation
Posted by one-hit_wonder at 2:49 p.m.
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3 comments:
Knowing that she's the child you're meant to have doesn't erase the pain of long unfruitful attempts or losses, does it? Glad you and DH are at least broaching the subject.
Not to make this all about me, but I just wanted to tell you I think I can kind of relate here. Not exactly, but in the same vicinity.
You know I was raised Jewish, but haven't been religious in years. I thought I was agnostic, but after the IF struggle, I realized I was more of an athiest. I know that's not uncommon, but I've given it a lot of thought and for me, it goes beyond "well God got in the way of my plans, so I won't believe in him/her." If you'd like to talk more about this sort of thing, we can do so via email.
At any rate, the part where you and your DH and I are similar is that we all have had to find ways to reconcile our spiritual beliefs/lack thereof with infertility. It's hard to hold onto the idea of a loving God who watches over you, when so many bad things happen to people who don't deserve them. It's hard to believe that God would really insist that we jump through the hoops we did to get our children.
FWIW, you two have your beautiful daughter now, and you have a strong marriage and those are the most important things.
Wow....what a powerful piece of communication.
It is brimming with your and your DH's perception on faith, relationships, God and the way Ninja was created.
I wonder if my child would fall in the miracle category? I did not have to pay the doctor for this one, even though I have spent enough to cover three deliveries...
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