surprise, i'm an aunt

As you may have figured out by now, I'm writing posts at home - where I'm internet-less - and publishing them here whenever I get public internet access. I'm behind in posting - entries are written but I don't want to flood you - but I have to write this particular post in real time.

I just found out that I'm an aunt. My long-lost brother's longtime girlfriend, M, had a baby in May. Exactly in the middle of my POAS and beta hell. The same time I sat frozen on the couch, bursting into tears every 2 minutes.

My brother is younger than I am and he has been AWOL for years. He's changed his name and everything.

I'm sure no one in the family knows this information except for me. The only reason I discovered it is because of accidental Facebook (yeah, you know it) reconnaissance. In this small world in which we live, M's family and DH have mutual acquaintances. I was on the FB of one of the mutual friends - I adore her - and saw that M's mom (don't even know how I remember her name) was one of her friends.

Out of curiosity I clicked on the public profile. I saw references to a 'first granddaughter' - who looked suspiciously like my brother and my dad's side of the family - and as I scrolled down, I realized that the pictures of a beautiful 7-month-old girl I was seeing was my niece.

I don't know what to say. I feel devastated for so many reasons, some of which are irrational and selfish, I know, but this is the nature of infertility:

a) I have a gorgeous seven-month-old niece whom I've never met. And brother would prefer that we don't know about her.

b) My parents don't know that they are already grandparents.

c) Our other brother doesn't know that he's already an uncle.

d) I am madly jealous. I can't begin to explain how I feel about this. I tried so hard for so long to get pregnant. First my other SIL gets pregnant accidentally and doesn't even know about it for four months (she's due in spring). Then I find out that my youngest brother already has a kid (and I promise you it was easy for them - yes I know I shouldn't make assumptions but, believe me, this is true). It's been a big deal for my parents to finally become grandparents; I thought I had this honour, after so much sweat and tears, but my idiot brother (and he really is an idiot for reasons I won't get into here) beat me to the punch.

e) Just about everyone involved is not getting along, except for other brother/wife and parents.

This would be too much for me to deal with. If I had found out about this baby when I was enduring IVF #1, a miscarriage, a failed FET, and then IVF #2... I don't know what I would have done. And if this last round of ART had failed, or if I had miscarried, I would be jumping off the ledge right about now, what with my other brother's impending arrival, as well. At the very least, I know that at the end of my teaching contract I would have moved permanently to the other side of the world.

On top of all this, I've been arguing with my parents over e-mail. Still over that stupid stuff that went down last summer. They're saying the most ridiculous things. They want to talk in person so I had said they could come over tonight as long as they weren't going to drag up things that happened 5 or 10 years ago.

This is a Family Day Nightmare Before Christmas.

As well, I don't know if I should tell anyone. I'll definitely tell DH because he'll want to know why I look unhappy. But I don't want to say anything to my parents or brother/SIL. First, I don't want to be the deliverer of that kind of news. Second, I want to have the first grandchild - the one who's there in person. If my parents know about the 'real' first grandchild, they'll be sad. Seeing my baby will remind them of the baby they don't know. (I'm surprised that I still care about their feelings when all they've shown me lately is a cavalier attitude.)

Is it selfish of me to want to keep my baby's birth a happy event? After all DH and I went through to get him here?

Yes, I sound jealous and bitter and ugly. That's what IF can do to a person. It never really goes away.

All I can think now is: what if something goes wrong with Ninja? How would I ever live?

My heart goes out to those of you who are still fighting that demon IF and who also have to cope with siblings having offspring. xxx