i am an alien

So, so sore. Wow. Every muscle hurts – woke up with what felt like carpal tunnel in every ligament in my body. And feels as though I’ve been kicked 4 times in the crotch – it’s as though my pelvis is going to fall off! And my feet and ankles are so swollen, I can’t even get my feet into the ankles of my winter boots, which I sorely need right now because it is frosty outside! (I think I’m up 1.5-2 whole shoe sizes. Yikes!)

Yet my back and neck feel wonderful. I’ll take that trade-off ANY day! Overall, because my back feels so good, I still feel better now than when I did pre-pregnancy. And, to tell the truth, IVF (with the needles, dildo cams, OHSS, horrendously painful retrievals, etc.) hurt a hundred times worse than pregnancy has, at least so far. Though I just re-read my first paragraph and it looks as though I’m complaining, I’m really not. I have a detached, almost anthropological, interest in the things happening to my body because I still can’t quite believe these crazy symptoms are a result of the ‘p-word.’

Sat here – after making the first official postpartum ‘freezer meal’ – sorting through baby clothes and watching the TV show Big Love. Teenaged daughter is pregnant, decides against placing baby for adoption. Subsequently has a miscarriage: stepmom walks in on her as she cries, sitting on the toilet. Oof, I shouldn’t have watched that episode. Sat on the living room floor and cried along with her – that’s too raw for me to think about, still. I looked around at the tiny clothes around me – I know how lucky I am – I think about it every day.