adoption

I had an idea today, and shared it with DH - he was gung-ho about it. Take a break from infertility treatments and adopt from Mexico. We wouldn't get an infant, but we can live with that. We'd probably have to live there for 6 months to get the paperwork done, but we could try to make that work (DH liked the idea, actually, and I'm always all for moving to new places, so that's cool). The main draw is that my brother's wife is from Mexico, so the kid would maybe feel not quite so out of place in our family, especially since any potential cousins would also be half Mexican. As well, there are many white Mexicans where we're from (that's not a joke - it's true). And we could keep up with Spanish, then (I could even learn it), and spend time in Mexico (the real country, not the resorts) as a family. I could resume TTC in 2 or 3 years. At first, it all just felt right.

But then DH said something to the effect of oh good, because I just can't do the donor thing. So we had it out about that again. I guess that's gonna become normal around here. He said that he'd be angry about it, he'd feel like a failure, he'd feel jealous, and he'd feel as though I'd cheated on him. I get the anger and the jealousy and the failure, but not the cheating, especially since I've never been with anyone except him. No other boyfriends. Nothing. To me, the donor is just that: a donor. Someone who is providing much-needed genetic material so that we can get on with our lives already. But I guess that's an uncomfortable topic for guys.

It's a fine line between being pissed off at him and understanding how he's feeling. I can't tell him what to feel. It's got to be normal to feel that way. I mean, he's grieving the loss of his fertility; he only found out recently, and I remember how many years it took me to come to terms with it when I thought I was the infertile one. But I want to be pregnant again so bad, and I want to go through labour, delivery, breastfeeding, etc, etc. How can I possibly give that up? He thinks I don't know what I'm asking of him, which is probably true, but he also has no inkling of the sacrifice he's asking of me. He can't have it; therefore I can't have it, either. He asked me if I wanted him to be angry at me all the time, and hate me, as a result of a 'donor' baby. I said, "Either way, there's gonna be hatred flying around. Because I'm bitter already, and it's not going to get any better."

So I don't think I can adopt in the meantime, after all. Because DH said we could resume treatments afterward, but I know him. I know that after we'd adopt, he'd consider it case closed. Besides, we'd be down to one income - plus paying adoption bills - and so we wouldn't be able to afford IVF again. And anyway, I'm not getting any younger.

Our IF questionnaire from the new clinic asked about our stress levels (including depression and anxiety), on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest). I wrote: "I can't define my stress according to a number, but I can say that infertility is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and that there's nothing in my life left untainted by this physical and social condition." DH wrote: 8.

Yikes. 8 is high. He's hiding it pretty well. What can I do? If the new doctor does find something irreparable, one of us is going to have to make the sacrifice of a lifetime for the other. Or else we may need to part ways. I can't live with the idea of not trying everything possible before giving up this fight.