update

Thanks to every person here for all the love. It's sad that I feel I can't rely on 'real life' people for support - e.g., my parents, my brother, my bff - but it's not their fault. They are wonderful people. This journey is a solitary one, though, except for the people who are traveling the same path (e.g., YOU). I'm grateful for you.

An update on our situation. First, I participated in a provincial survey about infertility and adoption. A woman phoned me for the interview, which lasted an hour. She was wonderful, and I was able to share my views on just about everything. I have done the research - from newspapers, qualitative social science research, humanities research, etc. - to be able to present a convincing case. The results from all of these surveys will be presented to a panel that will, in turn, make recommendations to the government about provincial policy re: infertility care, adoption, and foster care. I think I should be on the panel, frankly, but no one has asked me to join. lol

DH and I agreed a few days ago to not talk about any baby stuff until after the intake appointment next week. Because it's just too sad to think that we might not be together for the rest of our lives, if nothing good comes of it.

So he's gone tonight - out with the boys, which is a good thing - and I'm left with my own company. Normally I enjoy being alone, but not when I'm so depressed and filled with longing for my babies. I'm sitting here, dissolving over my keyboard, and quite a funny and sad sight, if I do say so myself. A few hours ago, when I looked in a mirror, I thought - and then forced myself to say- "I will be a mother one day." And then teared up. I've never said that aloud before. I don't know if I believe that statement. I don't think so.

I wasn't supposed to cry tonight. I guess I've just had a stressful day. I'm behind on my thesis, I'm on an extension, and the A+ I was promised on my proposal isn't, in fact, certain at all. And my academic schedule affects my job (?) in September, as well as whether or not I'll be able to continue (siiiiiigh) infertility treatments.

I bought a crapload of seafood (mussels, shrimp, and scallops), and homemade pasta, to make seafood pasta with parmesan. And champagne. Was going to watch a funny movie and eat good food ... and drink. But I couldn't find a good funny movie, so I watched M*A*S*H, which I adore, but it was a sad episode. The one where the medical team has 30 minutes to find an aorta for a dying soldier. They find one, of course, but at the expense of another (dead) soldier. So here I am, crying all over the keyboard, and it's too cold outside to walk out and rent a movie. But at least the food and the wine were good. And I do still love M*A*S*H (it's pathological - I'm in love with Hawkeye, and have been since I was 5 years old).

No, I don't care how cold it is. I'm going out to rent a movie and get a pastry to eat (joined by the other half of my bottle of champagne). Don't worry - I'm not driving. lol

Hope you all get through the weekend. Love to all.