PANIC

I am panicking about all of this:

1) I will never have a baby, and everyone else will have healthy and beautiful children and grandchildren, and I will be alone.

2) I will never find a decent clinic - something will go wrong every time.

3) I will never find out why our embryos suck.

4) I will never finish my thesis, and we'll be stuck in this apartment in this smelly city (literally, it stinks), living on DH's paycheque (which is $8/hour less than he makes back home), and I'll have no job. Which also means that we won't be able to TTC for another year, since we'll have no money. And I'll be bored and angry.

5) I'll never stop feeling sad, angry, alone, and bitter.

6) I'll hate my career for the rest of my life.

7) I'll never sleep again. Last night, I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m., after I pleaded for hours in prayer for some peace. And either for a baby or for the pronatal desire to be removed from me. I can't go on with just a few hours of rest every night.

8) I'll end up in hell when I'm dead.

9) I'll never have normal relationships with people again.

10) I'll lose my marriage.

11) We'll never get our financial house in order, we'll never keep up with retirement savings, and we'll end up destitute. And TTC costs will wipe us out, anyway.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH. These fears aren't even silly exaggerations. I am genuinely scared to death about all of it, and I think I have every right to be. I'm a completely different person, and I hate it.

I'm also worried that I won't be able to watch the American inauguration tomorrow, since the rhetoric will be all about HOPE, and I won't be able to stomach it. :(

Garhhhhh.