Yeah, I couldn't stay away... lol

I wrote a little essay in response to this crap opinion piece on Nadya Suleman: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/la-oe-rutten11-2009feb11,1,6312240.column

In response to Tim Rutten, L.A. Times:

As a somewhat subfertile woman married to an infertile man, I wonder why fertiles preach to infertiles about our moral mandate to adopt all the orphaned children of the world. Because apparently it is OUR job to take care of the orphaned, and we are "narcissistic" for wanting to have biological children (for a reading on the historical imperative for this idea, check out historical research on motherhood and infertility by Margaret Marsh).

It does not matter to fertiles that many infertile women want to be a part of the cult of motherhood. We watch people like you celebrate 'natural' motherhood while denigrating us for merely wanting to be a part of it: a club that is everywhere, always, and from which we can't escape viewing dejectedly from the sidelines.

If adoption is so important, then why don't fertile people adopt, rather than spreading their own ignorant DNA? When a fertile person tells me that I am selfish, I stop listening unless that person has adopted a child, and therefore know of what she/he speaks. Guess how often I've come across someone who has adopted rather than give birth? Not once. So who is the narcissistic one, again?

Adoption is not the easy fix that fertile people believe. Infertility involves losses that adoption can't address (e.g., pregnancy, birth, ‘Daddy’s eyes, Mommy’s nose,’ induction into 'motherhood'). Adoption doesn't 'solve' infertility, nor should it be expected to do so. Adopted children should never have to feel as though they were a second choice.

And adoption is never a guarantee of a child. Adoption is heinously expensive, takes years and years to process, involves massive invasions of privacy - and at the end is no promise of a baby. Things go wrong, birthmoms change their minds, $ runs out, countries shut down adoption programs. Adoption is for rich people. That is, unless you're willing to accept a severely handicapped child into your home, or a set of siblings. How willing would YOU be to adopt a child who will never walk or talk? Probably not, so it's easier for you to foist this responsibility onto infertile people, and then blame us for shirking our duties.

I would love to adopt, but I am wary about so many aspects of it. For instance, how will I know that my child wasn’t abducted and sold on the black market? As a white woman, how will I address the cultural and racial losses of a child who is from a different background, since it’s unlikely that I would find a white infant? (Is love enough to make up for all those losses? I think that’s a valid question.) Will I resent an adopted child for not looking like me? Will my family accept a non-biological child?

Besides, where are all the millions of babies and children to whom you allude in this article? Did you do any research on this topic before making sweeping generalizations? Because there aren't that many available kids. And by the way, do you know how many of these 'millions' of children have been obtained through illegal means? I can provide a reference, if you’re interested.

I am not defending Nadya Suleman. The infertile community is as outraged by her actions as everyone else. She is giving us all a bad name: that we’re all crazy for turning to reproductive technologies to attempt to do what everyone else accomplishes for free – and whenever they want, as often as they want - in the privacy of their homes.

And besides, we fear that the actions of her unethical doctor will mean ramifications for the rest of us; e.g., government mandates for numbers of transferred embryos, when that should be left to a patient, her partner, and a responsible specialist to decide. For everyone is different. I am scared that Nadya's actions will mean bad things for my own medical efforts to conceive. I have bad embryos, for instance. My chances will be drastically reduced if the government tells me that I’m limited to transferring only one embryo.

It would have been great if you could have written something original on this topic. We infertile people have ALL heard the 'just adopt' maxim: that makes it hard for us to take people like you seriously. I can't believe that I spent 30 minutes typing a response to you.