Feel like giving up, for real.

Well, it's 13 dpo, and I started spotting yesterday afternoon. So, if you recall my scientific proposal to test the 'just relax and go on vacation and get knocked up' hypothesis, I was right, and fertile people are wrong. While I should feel comforted to be proven correct, I'm kinda down about it.

For the first time, I feel like giving up on TTC. It's been so long (almost 6 years) of unsuccessful trying, and it's taken almost two years just to get proper medical assistance.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the waiting. Waiting to bleed, waiting to ovulate, then waiting for a positive test that never arrives. I'm tired of all the fads, like cinnamon and fish oil. I'm tired of timed sex. I'm tired of on-line information-hunting all the time. I'm tired of envying other people for their children. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I think I need a very, very long TTC break - with contraception so that I stop thinking about 'what if' - but if I decided to return to the baby roulette game, I'd probably have to wait yet another a year for medical help.

I'm so tired of it all, and I just want to lay it down.