Thinking about giving up

Before I went to bed last night, I looked up IUDs on-line. I wished I could get one.
Today I was in a daze, and everywhere were babies. Facebook, phone conversations, celebrity culture ... everything is about babies.
When my husband picked me up from school, I said, "I had a rough night."
He asked, "Why?"
"I think I'm pretty much done with the baby thing. I can't do this anymore," I replied.
He was quiet for a second, and said that he supported me no matter what. I appreciate that about him (so much), but I wish I knew if he were really okay with it.

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On the SoulCysters web site, I asked the administrator about the possibility of a childfree forum, given that none exists, and it is a legitimate choice about one's family situation. I'd like to be able to talk about this with other women who've already made the decision. But I got a really cutting response from her ("NO"), since she assumed that I wanted to start a forum where no one would be allowed to talk about children. Good grief. You'd think she'd be more understanding.

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I thought all day about what I'd be able to do if I had no children. I would've rearranged my twenties, that's for sure. I wouldn't have gone into teaching, most likely. Probably wouldn't have bought a house. I would have traveled more. I would be in a job that meant more to me.

Of course, I can't change the past, so I tried to imagine my future. Way more travel. I could go to Israel, Vietnam, Brazil. I could backpack in Africa. I could teach English in Thailand. I could do my Ph.D. I could have great cars, a nice house, and couture clothing. Those things would all be great; I'm not saying that they don't mean something to me. But somehow I just can't imagine that yet.

In the meantime, I'll make another trek to the doctor tomorrow.