4dp5dt, and thinking about 'fertile' vs 'infertile'

Implications of suddenly being rendered 'fertile'

I've been thinking about my current fertility status: Am I really an infertile?

From Day 1 of TTC, more than seven years ago, I was considered the infertile one. For my first RE, it seemed like an easy diagnosis, I guess. I had PCOS. I was charting, though, and while it was clear to me that I was only anovulatory very, very rarely (i.e., never), the RE looked only at one month's worth of temp-taking - which happened to be the one anovulatory chart I had - and said that I was anovulatory, period (no pun intended). He didn't look at any of my ovulatory charts. DH did two basic semen analyses, and though his results were deemed 'on the low side' of the numbers, no further testing was done.

So I worked to make myself fertile. I was already eating well and exercising, so I wasn't sure what else I could do, but I kept trying. I added supplements. I kept reducing bad carbs. I did the prescribed Clomid, even though I didn't see how it was going to help. Nothing. It did help to lengthen my short-ish luteal phase, though, which was a good thing.

I pushed and pushed for more diagnostic tests for myself: HSG, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy. Bloodwork was great (I had lowered my LH:FSH from 78:4 to the normal 1:1, all without medication). Everything was considered normal, even excellent. Ovaries actually didn't look too bad. I was ovulating on my own every 30-38 days, and sustaining a 14-day luteal phase.

I kept wondering: if I'm ovulating and everything is normal, why am I not pregnant without medical intervention? After 3 or 4 years of trying on our own, I kept thinking that I should have ended up with something.

New clinic. RE says that I likely have a subtle hormone imbalance that we'll work to correct, and I should end up pregnant through injects and IUIs. I said hesitantly that I didn't think she'd find anything. She disagreed. I was right.

The IUI showed severe male factor. The first IVF confirmed this fact. Out of 11 mature (good quality) eggs, only 5 fertilized (whereas 80% fertilization is usually the norm), 2 died on Day 3, and I got pregnant with two 'average' Day 3-ers, but miscarried. We had wanted to try going to blast, but the clinic didn't recommend it, for obvious reasons. The RE recommended donor sperm.

Now, our new RE - who is fabulous, in case I haven't said that often enough - ordered every male factor test I requested, plus more. And it seems that, though DH's swimmers are defunct in every which way on the exterior, the interior seems to be okay. Then, with the ongoing help of Coast Reproductive Male Fertility vitamins, distilled fish oil supplements, a produce-based organic diet, exercise, little alcohol and lots of water - as well as (I think) a better lab and better embryologist - we got six embryos grown to blasts.

Lesson #1 for me: you get what you pay for. This current RE cost more, but we definitely got our money's worth. DH says he won't even consider moving the frozens elsewhere: when we use them for FET, we'll fly back to the current clinic.

Lesson #2 for me: be more assertive. I'm too much of a pushover. My #1 regret in TTC-ing is that I didn't push the issue regarding testing THE OTHER HALF OF THE BABY-MAKING TEAM. A simple sperm wash done immediately - and which costs only around $200 - would have revealed the male factor, thereby saving us years of heartache, and years of me beating myself up for not being 'fertile.'

So am I fertile? Or am I infertile? I guess it depends on how those terms are defined. I mean, I still have no baby in my arms. And, thanks to doctors' misdiagnoses, I've considered myself infertile for so long, that's how I feel inside. I do not identify with 'fertiles.' Yet, really, clinically speaking, I am not infertile. All my functions work; I just ovulate a few days later than what's considered 'normal.' If I were baby-making with someone who had no fertility problems, I know I would have been knocked up a long time ago. (I don't know if I could carry a pregnancy, obviously, since we haven't gotten that far yet, but I do know in my heart that I wouldn't have a problem getting pregnant to begin with.)

But the idea of being fertile is new knowledge for me, and hard to wrap my head around. I am trying, though, to reconcile myself to my fertile body.

I guess, though - looking at this issue from another perspective - that this is a partnership, and so if my DH is infertile, so am I. It really sucks. But thank goodness we finally found a proper doctor who really wants to help.