5dp5dt, and thinking about that other 19%

After today, three more days to wait.

The sick-dread feeling is starting to set in. I woke up early with a racing heart (and the urgent need to pee, of course!).

I know I should just chill out. I was briefly pregnant last time with at least one of the crappy three-day embryos, so I know I stand a much better chance now with these blasts. 81%, as I was quoted by my RE, who also implied that he'll be surprised if I don't get a positive beta. It doesn't get much better than that, and I really don't have a right to post about my anxiety. Odds are that I have nothing to worry about.

But the what-ifs are creeping in. That other 19%. Who's to say I won't fall on the wrong side of statistics again? Someone has to.

I'm not whining: just being realistic.

I don't feel all that different. Every symptom I have - e.g., hot flashes, a dizzy-ish spell yesterday, some pulling feelings in my abdomen, super-sore bbs - can be blamed on leftover HCG from the trigger, Prometrium, and the Estrace.

Dr H said that if I got pg, my OHSS would get worse. But I feel all better. :( I guess I wouldn't have enough HCG built up, though, to re-trigger the OHSS, right? (I hope I'm right on this point.)

I think this is a slight folly of IVF'ers (for many of us, anyway) who make it to transfer: we know there were embryos placed in our womb, so we believe we should feel something, anything. We're indoctrinated to believe that symptoms should kick in immediately, and when we do have them, we oughta know it's because of the leftover HCG and the progesterone and the estrogen pills ... but we still believe in our hearts that since we're 'pregnant until proven otherwise,' we should know.

I went through this worry during IVF #1. I didn't feel anything - even though I knew it was too early for that - so I reasoned that it failed. I went through nights screaming. I did feel something the night before I got a true +: twinges in my uterus that I'd never experienced before. Then I knew. And then I did get confirmation on 11dp3dt, my one and only confirmed - though shortlived - BFP. I have to remind myself of this experience. I wish I had blogged during that time so that I could reread my words from that time and reassure myself that it's ok not to feel anything so soon. It's too early for symptoms.

It's so hard, this not knowing.

I do have the frozens, so if I get a BFN, it's not completely over. I have to think of this, too. Though I'd have to wait a year to do an FET, since we'll be living so far away. And we're too broke from all our IF treatments to do it immediately. DH and I were laughing last night because as of July 1, we have NO income until the middle of September. What else can we do but laugh?

(I just keep thinking: if it's negative, how will I ever break the news to DH?)

I'm not asking for sympathy here. What I'm feeling isn't unusual for anyone in this kind of situation. But thanks for listening!