Dear God letter

Dear God,

I know we haven't really been on good terms in the last few years. I wish we were, but you have to understand that it's hard for me to talk to you, since it feels as though I'm speaking to a stone (and not one that will burst forth with water anytime soon).

Of all the proverbial crosses to bear, I think I got one of the worst ones. And there's no way you can possibly understand how it feels. You have never been a barren woman, and no one knows what that's like unless s/he's been through it personally. That is just the way it is. I know believers like to say that you have empathy - even perfect understanding - of every situation, but honestly, you don't know what infertility feels like unless it has happened to you. And it hasn't.

During the first 3 or 4 years of my own status as a barren woman, I was actually grateful for it. I was glad that I had to work for this blessing, that I was learning patience, that I was becoming more mature, that I received great work opportunities (which I could take because I didn't have to worry about kids), that I was discovering what kind of person I was. I cultivated faith in your will and your timing.

A few years ago, after a 'step out in faith' service at church, I went out on a limb and purchased some baby gear - very much against my will, as I thought it was a bad idea - to show you that I had confidence that you'd remember me eventually. Those unused baby items - 6 tiny socks, 3 onesies, and 6 colourful receiving blankets - remain in storage, far away from me.

I've done everything in my power since then to bring a child to my world. I've overhauled my lifestyle: I eat organic food, I exercise regularly, I drink lots of water, I rarely consume junk food, I take vitamins and supplements. I've gotten my husband to eat better, to exercise, to take vitamins, et cetera. We've been through nearly every invasive and humiliating test that doctors can think of. We've done 4 Clomid cycles, one inject/IUI cycle, one IVF and one FET last year, and now another fresh cycle. I've miscarried (at least once) a deeply wanted baby. We've waited as doctors ignored us, twice put us on year-long waitlists, laughed at us, and misdiagnosed us. We sold our house, quit our jobs, and moved, in part to access decent infertility care. We estimated the other day that we've spent nearly $30,000 on this quest, and still we are left with empty hands. Infertility has tainted every aspect of my life, and that cost can't be measured.

If you say no to us this time, I want to say that we are very grateful for our four frozen embryos. We never expected to be able to create them. But God, it will take yet another year to have a chance with them. Logistically, I can't do the monitoring required while I'm teaching, because my school is too far away. I'd have to wait until next summer, all the while living among thousands of happy mommies and daddies with their beautiful children. There is no one like me around there.

Please, I'm begging, don't ask me to wait another year. I'm turning 31, and I can't wait forever. At some point my age is going to kick in, and besides, I can't emotionally endure this for much longer.

I am so grateful for the life inside me. I want him/her desperately. I'm asking for you to please spare him or her. Please allow us to keep one healthy baby. Please let the beta double tomorrow. I don't even have to tell you we'd be good parents: you know we'd be great. That's why I don't understand why this is happening to us.

OHW

P.S. People tell me "just adopt." Who am I going to adopt, God? There are almost no babies or toddlers available in our area for domestic adoption, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to subject myself to the scrutiny involved in homestudies, references, etc., anyway. I've read about international placements, and the amount of corruption that reportedly goes on behind those scenes isn't something I'm comfortable with. Plus we have no money left for foreign adoption, anyway. And I can't help it: I want to have a biological child with my spouse. Is that so bad? So what am I gonna do?