explanation of yesterday

Warning: If you're feeling sensitive, you may find this post offensive, so please feel free to skip. I would never want to offend or hurt any fellow TTC'ers.

As I mentioned, yesterday was a strange day. One of the most stressful days of my life.

First, for whatever reason, I wildly underestimated the time needed to get to the clinic. I don't know why I did this, since I know perfectly well how long it takes to get there. So we dashed to make it there on time.

B/w was over quickly. I went to the bathroom to 'feed the cervix.' Ran into the IVF nurse, who asked how I was doing. I said, "Terrible, nervous. Tested positive. These things can disappear so fast." She said, "Testing + is better than -. Hang in there - I'll phone you this afternoon." Me: "Yep, ok."

DH and I got breakfast, walked around the downtown for a while, and sat in a park. Finally I said, "Ok, I have to know - let's go home." While waiting at Union, I dialled my answering machine: no message. I was dying inside.

Fell asleep on the bus and wrenched my neck and back out of place again - hurray. Am walking like a robot.

Got home - DH put the message on speakerphone, so we heard it at the same time. 113, which is fine. Come in again on Tuesday.

I was shellshocked. I alternated between sadness and numbness. I cried and cried. DH freaked out: if everything is good, why is she upset? He hugged me. I walked to the bedroom, laid down on my bed and cried. DH didn't know what to do with me, and said sadly, "I can't wait until this ends because I want the real you back."

I don't know what's wrong with me. IF has really done a number on my brain and my heart. I don't know where I could find the old me. Don't get me wrong: I know I am thrilled.

So DH and I went grocery shopping and had dinner. I had a bath to try loosening up my back. Holy cow, it's bad - I needed help to get out of the tub.

Then DH put on music - sad songs - that I knew was a sign he wasn't doing well, either. He was missing his dad, who died a year and a half ago. Said he wants to name a boy after his dad (we already agreed a long time ago to do that). Gradually, with the help of a lot of beer, he was ok again (well, considering it's the loss of a beloved parent, as ok as it can be).

He started playing party songs and dancing all around. The dance party lasted for 2 hours, while I lay in agony on the couch, yet I laughed. lol

Then we got halfway through Benjamin Button - which is really good so far, incidentally - before he crashed and wiggled his way to bed. He had far too much to drink, which makes him really hilarious.

And so here we are. I'm in shock.

For the record: I officially HATE at-home pregnancy tests, and especially the double-liners. I hated them before, but now it's official. The sticks didn't get darker even though my HCG was obviously rising.

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Symptom update:

Thursday: lower abdomen cramps and ovaries started hurting again; cried over dumb things on TV; loads of watery cm; occasional 'shots' in the bbs.

Overnight: sore gums (huh?) and woke up in the middle of the night with a stabbing af-like cramp.

Friday: crampy abdomen and sore ovaries; a little dizzy and sensitive to smells' watery cm; occasional electrical 'sparks' in the bbs; cried over a stupid wedding show (and for the record, I think weddings are stupid).

But do not feel pregnant.

Thank you for the congratulations. I'm beyond grateful.