the power of thinking negative

I think you're probably all aware by now about what I feel about 'positive thinking,' 'hope,' etc. If hoping and thinking positive could have brought me children, I'd have six of them already.

I used to be a regular poster on SoulCysters (a web site for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), and at one point I did think I'd eventually get knocked up, but with every arrival of the Red Barren, year after year, my anticipation began to dissipate. Cheerful cysters on SC would remind me to 'think positive' and 'keep your chin up!,' and would even sound annoyed that I was becoming - with good reason, I think - increasingly pessimistic. I felt guilty for not perpetuating the 'hope myth'; that is, you've just gotta keep the faith and then something will eventually happen.

Before I even began IVF #1, I had turned into a pessimistic vet (I did not believe that it would work in the first place, unlike most IVF Barbies), and there really wasn't a place for me on SC anymore. I could tell that my cynical attitude was irritating many of the cysters and poisoning the cheerful atmosphere.

Out of respect for the hopefuls, I pm'd the SC admin to ask for a board for TTC vets - a spot for world-weary infertile cysters to gather and talk about TTC in real terms, without the artificial brightness that newbies and already-mommies bring. (I didn't say it in those terms, though: I did ask this very politely.) The admin not only refused, but pretty much gave me an unexpected virtual b!tch-slap.

I was distressed about her response. I wanted to stay on SC. I was a faithful member of the 'Turtles and Other Mutants' thread - and do so love those girls! - and I wanted to stay. I also wanted to remain on SC to help women who'd recently been diagnosed with PCOS, since I've become fairly well-versed on the most recent scientific literature out there on the subject. But I couldn't take seeing everybody get pregnant on threads except for me and one or two other women; this has happened to me so many times during the last 3 or 4 years. The only way I could stay on SC was if I could have at least one safe place with other women who were in similar positions.

So I left. :( I've been hanging out occasionally on the Vets board at www.ivfconnections.com. I feel silly for calling myself a vet, though, since I've done only one fresh IVF round and I'm only 30, but I identify with the pessimism (and I'm allergic to baby dust - it gives me both hives and the creeps). And I have been at this TTC nonsense for almost 7 years; the only reason we've done 'only' one IVF is because I've had to wait years for IF medical care, due to the way our health care system is structured in Canada. Our particular province had only ONE infertility clinic, consisting of 3 doctors - and an extensive wait list - and I lived 75 miles away, and was working a full-time teaching position ... so you do the math on that one. Then I moved, partly to access better IF care, and was put on another wait list. And so on.

Around the IVF online community, I get worried when I see the continuing emphasis on 'the power of positive thinking.' I see so many women counselling others by saying 'It WILL happen for you, it'll just take longer...' Nobody has the right to say this. Nobody knows who will have children and who will not. The fact is that not all involuntarily infertile people will eventually have a child. That is just the way it is. Read up on IVF statistics, if you don't believe me.

I'm writing about this issue because I saw on the Stirrup Queen's blog roundup a reference to the following post (from Andrea's blog, Preheated Oven: Where is My Bun?):

Everyone that knows about our IVF keeps telling me to 'be positive' and try and not stress out about it. Then they go into the whole 'negativity and stress are not good for getting pregnant'. I know they all mean well, and I know I should really try and stay as positive as I can...but.....

Does this mean if IVF doesn't work that they will think it is my fault for not being stress-free and for having doubts? Because that is what it feels like to me.

Also, if I only think happy positive thoughts and this doesn't work I will be in a very bad place. For me realizing that there is a chance this won't work makes it easier on me if it doesn't. No expectations=no disappointment. Though, since I do have expectations its more like, moderate expectations=moderate disappointment.

I am in full agreement with Andrea. When going through IVF, or any step of TTC for that matter, what is wrong with being realistic? Why does this honesty offend so many women, women who'd rather see us all Think Positive and It Will Happen?

Personally, I think it's because we exist in a world (and here I mean the affluent western world) that believes that we make our own destinies. I think it's possible to link this falsely optimistic front to the pervasive American Dream culture of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps.(E.g., if I believe I'll get pregnant, I will get pregnant.) But guess what: for the most part, we don't make our own future. No matter what anyone tells you, you're not in charge of your life. Life is a big random game, shit happens, and that's just ... life. Sorry if that reasoning sounds tautological - it's the truth. Infertility brings this wisdom to the surface in a very harsh way. The fact for many of us is that we can believe in getting pregnant as much as we want, but that it won't actually happen ... and then we're left beating ourselves up for not believing enough. So infertility becomes our fault, as a fatal character flaw. I'm not buying into that idea anymore.

Coming to this realization of my helplessness has helped me deal - at least a little bit - with the massive life-altering devastation of prolonged infertility. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't have to beat myself up over not having enough Positive Thoughts flooding my being. I don't have to blame myself for not having enough Hope.

But I hurt for other women who've built for themselves massive artifices of Hope for their respective IVF cycles, which go on to be unsuccessful ... and then they have to make some sense of all the bits and pieces strewn everywhere.

Btw: Andrea's blog is at http://preheatedoven.blogspot.com/2009/03/positive.html. I wish her all the best on her first IVF cycle.