not good

CD 3 RE appointment did not go well.

First, it was awkward. I don't know the protocol of where to go and when to do things and how to do them. So I misunderstood how to check in, and where to go sit to wait, and what kind of u/s was being performed (I've only ever had transvaginal ones for CD3, but here they do external ones, too, but I didn't know that), etc. I felt like a total ignorant newbie-to-Clomid.

Then, for the transvaginal u/s, the lab tech expected me to strip in front of her, which I also hated. I grew up in a modest culture, so that's just not something I'm used to (though I did become accustomed to showering nude in an open room when I lived in Europe, but that's another story...), especially when I'm menstruating heavily. Ultrasound itself - hated it (I always feel like I'm getting raped, plus I was still bleeding hard, so it was gross). I was also expected to get dressed in front of the lab tech, which (again) I hated because I needed a tampon immediately, but couldn't do that with her in the room, so I was mortified, plus got blood on my underwear. Yay. Great. And I was summarily dismissed, with no words about what was going on.

So I approached the secretary and said I didn't understand what was going on. Was I supposed to wait for a nurse or a doctor? Go home? Was my bcp script going to be mailed to me? What, what, what?

So then the IVF nurse took over, and she tells me that I have a massive cyst on my right ovary. 5x6x7 cm (approximately). The tech couldn't see if any follicles on that ovary because everything was obscured by the cyst. She says that hopefully the bcp will shrink it, and if not, the RE will want to aspirate it. Fine. Good. She explained things very well.

I mentioned to her that I was very uncomfortable with the undressing/dressing situation, and that arrangements would have to be made about it - I need some privacy before the dildo cam gets wedged up there - so she's circulating a note re: that. As if anyone will remember or care, but whatever.

Then came home to the phone message from the IVF nurse saying that although estrogen, FSH, etc. were fine, the doctor says he wants to drain my cyst, and it'll cost $500.

What? Does it have to be aspirated? I thought that we were going to see, first, if the bcp would shrink it!? And why doesn't OHIP pay for it, anyway? I do not have $500 on hand to pay for this. I am a student and as such am not exactly rolling in dough. Especially since I'm still paying off December's FET, our plane tickets home, and my conference costs in the U.S. All of my government-funded support over the last 2 years has gone to pay for infertility treatments. It sucks and I hate it. We're so far behind on our bills and we shouldn't be: DH earns a decent wage and I have had 2 major fellowships, plus we do not live extravagantly. This all sucks so much.

So now I'm really upset. I feel like I don't want to go through with any of this because I hate it so much. I can't stand the invasive ultrasounds, nurses and lab techs who talk to me as though I'm an idiot, the drain on my time, the drain on my emotions, etc. I dread all of it: wondering how many follies will develop, the horrible egg retrieval, wondering if DH will have enough normal sperm, wondering if fertilization will happen, wondering if anything will survive at least a few days, and if we make it far enough, enduring the long, long two week wait.

And I still don't know how to justify spending 13-15000 dollars on this. If it fails, what on earth am I going to do? We'll be paying it back for ages. Yes, I know money's not everything, but we worked damn long and hard for it, and it's not as though we're upper-class people with money to burn. DH just wants his normal pleasures after working hard - hockey, golf, video games, movies, etc. - but we are having a tough time financing even those kinds of things because everything is going for infertility treatments, organic food, vitamins, etc. I've basically stopped spending money in the past year, except for my fashion habit, but I've even cut far back on that, too (e.g., did not go shopping today even though I wanted to). I am so SICK AND TIRED of all my financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual resources being directed to the black hole of infertile nothingness.

And how am I going to get up off my knees this time if it doesn't work? I'm seriously afraid of what might happen.

But what will happen if I don't go through with it?

Which path has the fewest regrets?