not good

CD 3 RE appointment did not go well.

First, it was awkward. I don't know the protocol of where to go and when to do things and how to do them. So I misunderstood how to check in, and where to go sit to wait, and what kind of u/s was being performed (I've only ever had transvaginal ones for CD3, but here they do external ones, too, but I didn't know that), etc. I felt like a total ignorant newbie-to-Clomid.

Then, for the transvaginal u/s, the lab tech expected me to strip in front of her, which I also hated. I grew up in a modest culture, so that's just not something I'm used to (though I did become accustomed to showering nude in an open room when I lived in Europe, but that's another story...), especially when I'm menstruating heavily. Ultrasound itself - hated it (I always feel like I'm getting raped, plus I was still bleeding hard, so it was gross). I was also expected to get dressed in front of the lab tech, which (again) I hated because I needed a tampon immediately, but couldn't do that with her in the room, so I was mortified, plus got blood on my underwear. Yay. Great. And I was summarily dismissed, with no words about what was going on.

So I approached the secretary and said I didn't understand what was going on. Was I supposed to wait for a nurse or a doctor? Go home? Was my bcp script going to be mailed to me? What, what, what?

So then the IVF nurse took over, and she tells me that I have a massive cyst on my right ovary. 5x6x7 cm (approximately). The tech couldn't see if any follicles on that ovary because everything was obscured by the cyst. She says that hopefully the bcp will shrink it, and if not, the RE will want to aspirate it. Fine. Good. She explained things very well.

I mentioned to her that I was very uncomfortable with the undressing/dressing situation, and that arrangements would have to be made about it - I need some privacy before the dildo cam gets wedged up there - so she's circulating a note re: that. As if anyone will remember or care, but whatever.

Then came home to the phone message from the IVF nurse saying that although estrogen, FSH, etc. were fine, the doctor says he wants to drain my cyst, and it'll cost $500.

What? Does it have to be aspirated? I thought that we were going to see, first, if the bcp would shrink it!? And why doesn't OHIP pay for it, anyway? I do not have $500 on hand to pay for this. I am a student and as such am not exactly rolling in dough. Especially since I'm still paying off December's FET, our plane tickets home, and my conference costs in the U.S. All of my government-funded support over the last 2 years has gone to pay for infertility treatments. It sucks and I hate it. We're so far behind on our bills and we shouldn't be: DH earns a decent wage and I have had 2 major fellowships, plus we do not live extravagantly. This all sucks so much.

So now I'm really upset. I feel like I don't want to go through with any of this because I hate it so much. I can't stand the invasive ultrasounds, nurses and lab techs who talk to me as though I'm an idiot, the drain on my time, the drain on my emotions, etc. I dread all of it: wondering how many follies will develop, the horrible egg retrieval, wondering if DH will have enough normal sperm, wondering if fertilization will happen, wondering if anything will survive at least a few days, and if we make it far enough, enduring the long, long two week wait.

And I still don't know how to justify spending 13-15000 dollars on this. If it fails, what on earth am I going to do? We'll be paying it back for ages. Yes, I know money's not everything, but we worked damn long and hard for it, and it's not as though we're upper-class people with money to burn. DH just wants his normal pleasures after working hard - hockey, golf, video games, movies, etc. - but we are having a tough time financing even those kinds of things because everything is going for infertility treatments, organic food, vitamins, etc. I've basically stopped spending money in the past year, except for my fashion habit, but I've even cut far back on that, too (e.g., did not go shopping today even though I wanted to). I am so SICK AND TIRED of all my financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual resources being directed to the black hole of infertile nothingness.

And how am I going to get up off my knees this time if it doesn't work? I'm seriously afraid of what might happen.

But what will happen if I don't go through with it?

Which path has the fewest regrets?

surprise, not the nice kind

It appears as though Auntie Flo fooled me. TODAY is CD2, if not CD1. (Cramps and heavy flow, blah blah.)

So I got up at 5:30 a.m. - after not sleeping much - for nothing, since I realized half an hour later that today was definitely NOT CD3 yet. *Grumble grumble*

So now I don't know what day to go in! Tomorrow or Saturday?

And can't go back to bed, since then I'll stay there until noon, and that'll mess up my schedule.

This morning was the first time that I thought explicitly and seriously: Why am I doing this to myself? Is that a good sign?

ETA: E-mailed my nurse, and she said to come in tomorrow, so that's what I'll do...

distraction: fashion

Day 2 of the wait.

I have to go in to Toronto tomorrow for my CD3 stuff; I think I will go shopping to update my spring/summer wardrobe. Yes, spending money I don't have. Oh well. And buying clothing that I shouldn't, just in case this IVF works. Oh well. I've gotta keeping living in the Now.

The thing now is that I'm totally inspired by a few fashionista blogs I've found online, including this and that (though the latter one's quite a bit more conservative than I am, but I like the concepts behind the outfits). Thanks to these bloggers, I really want to work on mixing patterns, and I want to do more colour blocking.

I have a number of great separates I've picked up over the last few years - especially the most fabulous skirts (one is a peacock-motif piece from Anthropologie, which I got for $12 on Ebay!) - so all I need to pull it together are a bunch of accessories and 1 or 2 pairs of shoes, plus 3 or 4 tank tops in different colours. I think I can find most of what I want second-hand, so I'll take a look around at the VV Boutique (aka: Value Village) and a few consignment shops.

And I saw a soft black cotton sundress for sale at Le Chateau for $35 (marked down from $90), so I think I'll go snag that today, if it's not already gone. That would be a terrific basic - I can dress it up or down.

Good distraction. I've talked with my sister-in-law - who has amazing fashion sense - about opening a clothing boutique together, but I doubt it would ever happen. Neither of us has experience in fashion marketing, buying, business, etc. Maybe I could do it on my own, though. I do think that I could be successful at something like that, but then we'd have to live close to an urban centre, and that wasn't really in our plans, though I could talk DH into it. The government does provide support to new entrepreneurs... hmmm....

It's nice to dream.

Also more good news: I turned in another chapter of my thesis to my advisor, and she gushed all over it yesterday - she said it made for compelling reading - plus she gave me some great constructive criticism. Yeah! She is beyond brilliant and fabulous - her opinion means everything to me - so that made me feel good.

CD 1

Good thing I didn't go in to the clinic, after all, because I would've gotten my long-awaited Aunt Flo DURING my ultrasound. Of course! (Did I ever expect anything otherwise?)

We're back in the IVF Funhouse.

(Source: here)

Sleep: not happening

I envy people who know how to fall asleep. For I do not know how. I'm so chronically sleep deprived.

I'm so worried about everything: money, debt, nonexistent babies, thesis, job for me, job for DH, the state of my soul, dad's health, place to live, world poverty, what if this IVF doesn't work, more debt. Miss the baby (or -ies) that I should still be pregnant with. Feel small and insignificant and lonely. Really need to sleep, since I need to get up in 5 hours, and have a long day ahead of me - I'm booked up until 9:30 p.m.

I hate it when people who are parents say (jealously) that I should enjoy my sleep. Whatever. I bet I get just as little sleep as any of them, anyway.

ETA: I just e-mailed the nurse to cancel for tomorrow (I'll go in Wed, instead). I can't do a 20-hour day on no sleep, and am not feeling well, anyway.

clarification

Af has made a liar out of me. Oh well, not the first time. So I emailed my nurse, as per her instructions, to find out what to do.

I feel bad for whining about af. I know lots of women who have amenorrhea; I know how much it sucks because I used to be someone who rarely bled, too (maybe once/year?), due to PCOS. And then, every once in a while, I'd have episodes of prolonged bleeding (weeks at a time). It blows.

Until IVF #1, I was able to get my cycles down to 30-38 days (with 'normalized' bloodwork and ok-looking ovaries) - thanks to revised diet and regular exercise - hence the new 'borderline' PCOS dx by Hannam. My right ovary still doesn't work, but the left one has taken over, which I hear isn't unusual. This was around a 5-year process.

But now I'm back to being anovulatory, bloodless, etc. All my hard work has come undone. Thank you IVF, I feel like a star.

Hannam says that when I'm not TTC (will there ever be such a time?), he'll aspirate all my follicles, and that should get regular cycles going again. I miss my cycles for other reasons: I love ovulating partly because I feel so energetic and creative at that time.

Anyway, just wanted to clarify that, for those of you who battle with natural cycles all the time - I want you to know that I have been there at one point. I still get offended by fertiles (and here I mean women with babies) who complain about menstruation (unless there's a good reason) because they don't know how good they have it.

Af Watch

Spotting still, only now it's bright red again. Perhaps tomorrow or Tuesday will be CD1.

Btw: I never did buy that Diva cup, though I keep hearing rave reviews about it. I guess I am hoping *cough* on some level that I won't get af, post-IVF, for at least 9 months. Blah blah, you know how it goes.

Show & Tell

Re: This week's Show & Tell (located at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2009/03/43rd-circle-time-show-and-tell-weekly.html).

I present to you the surest sign of spring on the Canadian prairies.



I think most people have never noticed this: at the end of winter, the emerging tulip often bursts through the leaves that lie atop the soil. The flower's leaves and stem grow engulfed by these crumbly brown chains, and then eventually shed them. You'll be able to see on the mature tulip a paler shade of green where it was once entangled.

A good sign for my impending IVF/ICSI/AH #2? I wish I could think so, but who knows. I'm trying not to take it literally, but in any case, it's reassuring to know that spring is coming soon after another bleak winter.



Btw: I can't take credit for the picture; I couldn't locate the shot I had, so I found one online (at http://www.bobcongdon.net/blog/2005_04_01_congdon_archive.html).

so sweet i'm getting cavities

Saw this, A Field Journal, featured under blogger.com's Blogs of Note, and thought it was too adorable not to share: http://afieldjournal.blogspot.com/. (Britt, I think you'll love it.)

this is the plan, man

My nurse e-mailed back to say that if I don't get af by Monday, I'm supposed to go in Tuesday for b/w and u/s. I am curious about what they'll do: Have me redo the Provera, perhaps at a higher dosage? Or go straight into bcp? I want to do whatever has the best chance of helping me out in the long run.

I have to be in Ottawa at the end of May for a conference, so I'm really hoping that I can still make it there. If this cycle fails, it'll be a good distraction.

Meanwhile, DH and I dtd, and it did induce spotting. A lot. And then it went away. So we'll see what happens.

(I can't believe I have a captive audience listening to me philosophize about my menstrual cycle! This is the beauty of blogging!)

the power of thinking negative

I think you're probably all aware by now about what I feel about 'positive thinking,' 'hope,' etc. If hoping and thinking positive could have brought me children, I'd have six of them already.

I used to be a regular poster on SoulCysters (a web site for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), and at one point I did think I'd eventually get knocked up, but with every arrival of the Red Barren, year after year, my anticipation began to dissipate. Cheerful cysters on SC would remind me to 'think positive' and 'keep your chin up!,' and would even sound annoyed that I was becoming - with good reason, I think - increasingly pessimistic. I felt guilty for not perpetuating the 'hope myth'; that is, you've just gotta keep the faith and then something will eventually happen.

Before I even began IVF #1, I had turned into a pessimistic vet (I did not believe that it would work in the first place, unlike most IVF Barbies), and there really wasn't a place for me on SC anymore. I could tell that my cynical attitude was irritating many of the cysters and poisoning the cheerful atmosphere.

Out of respect for the hopefuls, I pm'd the SC admin to ask for a board for TTC vets - a spot for world-weary infertile cysters to gather and talk about TTC in real terms, without the artificial brightness that newbies and already-mommies bring. (I didn't say it in those terms, though: I did ask this very politely.) The admin not only refused, but pretty much gave me an unexpected virtual b!tch-slap.

I was distressed about her response. I wanted to stay on SC. I was a faithful member of the 'Turtles and Other Mutants' thread - and do so love those girls! - and I wanted to stay. I also wanted to remain on SC to help women who'd recently been diagnosed with PCOS, since I've become fairly well-versed on the most recent scientific literature out there on the subject. But I couldn't take seeing everybody get pregnant on threads except for me and one or two other women; this has happened to me so many times during the last 3 or 4 years. The only way I could stay on SC was if I could have at least one safe place with other women who were in similar positions.

So I left. :( I've been hanging out occasionally on the Vets board at www.ivfconnections.com. I feel silly for calling myself a vet, though, since I've done only one fresh IVF round and I'm only 30, but I identify with the pessimism (and I'm allergic to baby dust - it gives me both hives and the creeps). And I have been at this TTC nonsense for almost 7 years; the only reason we've done 'only' one IVF is because I've had to wait years for IF medical care, due to the way our health care system is structured in Canada. Our particular province had only ONE infertility clinic, consisting of 3 doctors - and an extensive wait list - and I lived 75 miles away, and was working a full-time teaching position ... so you do the math on that one. Then I moved, partly to access better IF care, and was put on another wait list. And so on.

Around the IVF online community, I get worried when I see the continuing emphasis on 'the power of positive thinking.' I see so many women counselling others by saying 'It WILL happen for you, it'll just take longer...' Nobody has the right to say this. Nobody knows who will have children and who will not. The fact is that not all involuntarily infertile people will eventually have a child. That is just the way it is. Read up on IVF statistics, if you don't believe me.

I'm writing about this issue because I saw on the Stirrup Queen's blog roundup a reference to the following post (from Andrea's blog, Preheated Oven: Where is My Bun?):

Everyone that knows about our IVF keeps telling me to 'be positive' and try and not stress out about it. Then they go into the whole 'negativity and stress are not good for getting pregnant'. I know they all mean well, and I know I should really try and stay as positive as I can...but.....

Does this mean if IVF doesn't work that they will think it is my fault for not being stress-free and for having doubts? Because that is what it feels like to me.

Also, if I only think happy positive thoughts and this doesn't work I will be in a very bad place. For me realizing that there is a chance this won't work makes it easier on me if it doesn't. No expectations=no disappointment. Though, since I do have expectations its more like, moderate expectations=moderate disappointment.

I am in full agreement with Andrea. When going through IVF, or any step of TTC for that matter, what is wrong with being realistic? Why does this honesty offend so many women, women who'd rather see us all Think Positive and It Will Happen?

Personally, I think it's because we exist in a world (and here I mean the affluent western world) that believes that we make our own destinies. I think it's possible to link this falsely optimistic front to the pervasive American Dream culture of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps.(E.g., if I believe I'll get pregnant, I will get pregnant.) But guess what: for the most part, we don't make our own future. No matter what anyone tells you, you're not in charge of your life. Life is a big random game, shit happens, and that's just ... life. Sorry if that reasoning sounds tautological - it's the truth. Infertility brings this wisdom to the surface in a very harsh way. The fact for many of us is that we can believe in getting pregnant as much as we want, but that it won't actually happen ... and then we're left beating ourselves up for not believing enough. So infertility becomes our fault, as a fatal character flaw. I'm not buying into that idea anymore.

Coming to this realization of my helplessness has helped me deal - at least a little bit - with the massive life-altering devastation of prolonged infertility. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't have to beat myself up over not having enough Positive Thoughts flooding my being. I don't have to blame myself for not having enough Hope.

But I hurt for other women who've built for themselves massive artifices of Hope for their respective IVF cycles, which go on to be unsuccessful ... and then they have to make some sense of all the bits and pieces strewn everywhere.

Btw: Andrea's blog is at http://preheatedoven.blogspot.com/2009/03/positive.html. I wish her all the best on her first IVF cycle.

disappearing af

Pardon my language, but af is being a cocktease. The spotting is gone, and I feel no af-like symptoms. So I think I will phone the nurse to see what should be done.

That stupid bill was passed in Georgia, and that depresses me.

I do feel less sour this morning, though. The mille-feuille (a delish Napoleon cream slice) helped. It was very nice of DH to get that for me, so I'm making homemade pizza for him.

Sour as expired milk!

In a very sour mood! Do not know why! I usually get a li'l bit of PMS, but rarely this bad.

I slept all afternoon - very unusual - and have snarled at DH at least 5 times this evening, so he has fled to the grocery store to pick up a mille-feuille for me. Hopefully we will reconcile before bedtime! lol

On a happier note, I would like to congratulate Stephanie here (http://petalsofaflower.blogspot.com) on a very positive beta.

cartoon for mf'ers (no, male factor - get your mind out of the gutter!!!)

PCOS and metformin use

When I last met with Hannam, he recommended no Metformin or Glumetza, contrary to my previous RE's strongly-worded recommendation to stay on it (even when I complained at how lethargic it made me feel). Hannam said that new research is showing that Met should be prescribed only when glucose intolerance is an issue, and it's not for me (yet, anyway - I have a strong family history of diabetes, but I seem to be fine so far).

Here is the abstract (and the full-text article is located for free here: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/23/3/462):

Human Reproduction 2008 23(3):462-477; doi:10.1093/humrep/dem426

© The Author 2008. Published by Oxford University Press on behalf of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology. All rights reserved. For Permissions, please email: journals.permissions@oxfordjournals.org


Consensus on infertility treatment related to polycystic ovary syndrome
The Thessaloniki ESHRE/ASRM-Sponsored PCOS Consensus Workshop Group*
March 2–3, 2007, Thessaloniki, Greece

The treatment of infertile women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is surrounded by many controversies. This paper describes, on the basis of the currently available evidence, the consensus reached by a group of experts regarding the therapeutic challenges raised in these women. Before any intervention is initiated, preconceptional counselling should be provided emphasizing the importance of life style, especially weight reduction and exercise in overweight women, smoking and alcohol consumption. The recommended first-line treatment for ovulation induction remains the anti-estrogen clomiphene citrate (CC). Recommended second-line intervention, should CC fail to result in pregnancy, is either exogenous gonadotrophins or laparoscopic ovarian surgery (LOS). The use of exogenous gonadotrophins is associated with increased chances for multiple pregnancy and, therefore, intense monitoring of ovarian response is required. LOS alone is usually effective in <50% of women and additional ovulation induction medication is required under those circumstances. Overall, ovulation induction (representing the CC, gonadotrophin paradigm) is reported to be highly effective with a cumulative singleton live birth rate of 72%. Recommended third-line treatment is in vitro fertilization. More patient-tailored approaches should be developed for ovulation induction based on initial screening characteristics of women with PCOS. Such approaches may result in deviation from the above mentioned first-, second- or third-line ovulation strategies in well-defined subsets of patients. Metformin use in PCOS should be restricted to women with glucose intolerance. Based on recent data available in the literature, the routine use of this drug in ovulation induction is not recommended. Insufficient evidence is currently available to recommend the clinical use of aromatase inhibitors for routine ovulation induction. Even singleton pregnancies in PCOS are associated with increased health risk for both the mother and the fetus.


Key words: polycystic ovary syndrome/infertility treatment/2007 consensus



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This symposium was supported by an unconditional grant from NV Organon and by ESHRE and ASRM.
This consensus document is being published simultaneously in Human Reproduction and Fertility and Sterility.

Reprint requests: Basil C. Tarlatzis, Unit for Human Reproduction, First Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Aristotle University of Thessaloniki, Papageorgiou General Hospital, Thessaloniki 54603, Greece. E-mail: tarlatzis@hol.gr

* Group members: B. C. Tarlatzis (Gr), B. C. J. M. Fauser (NL), R. S. Legro (USA), R. J. Norman (Aus), K. Hoeger (USA), R. Pasquali (It), S. Franks (UK), I. E. Messinis (Gr), R. F. Casper (Can), R. Homburg (Is), R. Lobo (USA), R. W. Rebar (USA), R. Fleming (UK), B. R. Carr (USA), Ph. Bouchard (Fr), J. Chang (USA), J. N. Hugues (Fr), R. Azziz (USA), E. M. Kolibianakis (Gr), G. Griesinger (Ger), K. Diedrich (G), A. Balen (UK), C. Farquhar (NZ), P. Devroey (B), P. C. Ho (HK), J. Collins (Can), D. G. Goulis (Gr), R. Eijkemans (NL), P. G. Crosignani (It), A. DeCherney (USA), A. Van Steirteghem (B).

Submitted on September 3, 2007; accepted on December 14, 2007.

good news about PCOS and future fertility

Youthful infertility balanced by late-blooming ovaries
04 March 2009 by Aria Pearson
Magazine issue 2697.

YOUNG women with fertility problems caused by polycystic ovary syndrome may have reason to take heart. Over a lifetime their chances of having children appear just as good as other women's, perhaps because egg production increases as they grow older.

About 7 per cent of reproductive-age women have PCOS, which features irregular periods, high levels of male hormones and greater numbers of developing follicles, or cysts, on the surface of their ovaries. In a normal ovary, a few follicles appear each month, one or two of which mature and release an egg; the rest die off. Women with PCOS ovulate less often because their extra follicles interfere with normal hormonal activity and stop follicles maturing past a certain stage. This is how PCOS lowers fertility.

Now it looks like that is not the end of the story. Miriam Hudecova and colleagues at Uppsala University in Sweden interviewed 91 women who were 35 or older and had been diagnosed with PCOS when younger. They found the women had undergone just as many pregnancies and borne as many babies, on average, as PCOS-free women of the same age. Some of the women with PCOS had been treated for infertility, but more than two-thirds had become pregnant without such help.

Hudecova also examined most of the women and found that the ovaries of the older women with PCOS showed signs of being more active, with better hormone levels and more eggs available, than those of control women of the same age (Human Reproduction, DOI: 10.1093/humrep/den482).

"As women with polycystic ovarian syndrome get older the chance of getting pregnant may actually be higher," says Hudecova.

There may be an explanation for this. As women age, fewer follicles are produced each month, and in most this reduces fertility. With PCOS, however, fewer follicles may have the opposite effect: it may stop the hormonal interference and cause follicles to release eggs normally.

The hypothesis is backed up by other studies that have shown that the menstrual cycles of women with PCOS tend to become more regular as they age (Human Reproduction, vol 15, p 24). Marcelle Cedars, a reproductive endocrinologist at the University of California, San Francisco, points out that it also chimes with a recent finding that hormone treatments can coax immature follicles to produce eggs.

"They might hit their reproductive peak a little bit later than other women," says Richard Legro, a gynaecologist at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center in Hershey, Pennsylvania. "When we see more data to that effect we'll revise what we tell them."
______________________________________________________________
Here is the original study that was referenced above:

Long-term follow-up of patients with polycystic ovary syndrome: reproductive outcome and ovarian reserve

M. Hudecova1, J. Holte, M. Olovsson and I. Sundström Poromaa

Department of Women's and Children's Health, Uppsala University 751 85 Uppsala, Sweden

1 Correspondence address. Tel: +46 18 611 57 87; E-mail:
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


BACKGROUND: The purpose of the present study was to examine long-term reproductive outcome and ovarian reserve in an unselected population of women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

CONCLUSIONS: Most women with PCOS had given birth, and the rate of spontaneous pregnancies was relatively high. Together with the ultrasound findings and the hormonal analyses, this finding could imply that PCOS patients have a good fecundity, and an ovarian reserve possibly superior to women with normal ovaries.

METHODS: A total of 91 patients with confirmed PCOS and 87 healthy controls were included in the study. Patients had been diagnosed between 1987 and 1995 and at the time of the follow-up, subjects were 35 years of age or older.

RESULTS: Among women who had attempted a pregnancy, 86.7% of PCOS patients and 91.6% of controls had given birth to at least one child. Among PCOS patients who had given birth, 73.6% had done so following a spontaneous conception. Mean ovarian volume and the number of antral follicles in PCOS patients were significantly greater than in control women (P < 0.001, respectively). PCOS patients also had higher serum concentrations of anti-Müllerian hormone and lower follicle-stimulating hormone levels.

Key words: polycystic ovary syndrome/long-term follow-up/ovarian reserve/fecundity/anti-Müllerian hormone

Submitted on October 15, 2008; resubmitted on November 29, 2008; accepted on December 3, 2008

Hum. Reprod. Advance Access published online on January 24, 2009
Human Reproduction, doi:10.1093/humrep/den482

Hurray for the Red Barren!!!

Still spelunking in the vaginal area, hoping to strike red.

Last night, a miniscule pinprick.

This morning, as I checked the cervical dragon ... definite spotting!

WAHOO!

Who hates Octo-Mom - I DO!!!!

I don't know how much y'all are keeping tab on what's happening in Georgia re: reproductive rights, but I am APPALLED by it all.

I don't live in Georgia - nor am I an American, for that matter - but I want to help stop that awful legislation. What can I do? The local chapter of RESOLVE, from what I heard, doesn't want a flood of correspondence coming from out-of-staters. Yet I can't stand the thought of that backward and anti-feminist legislation ever spreading northward (I doubt it would, but you never know). Any ideas?

All I know is that I HATE Octo-Mom for starting this mess! Yes - HATE. I will not watch any show or read any text that features her and her sorry ass!

I feel sorry for her bazillion children - they're gonna get tortured in school for being 'test tube babies,' I bet. I hope they make it into adulthood in one piece.

good morning!

I think I will wait patiently, more or less, until Friday. That'll be 7 dpP (days past Provera). If the Red Barren doesn't fly in by then, I'll phone the nurse to see what's what.

More 'hurry up and wait'! Is there ever another choice?

Where is the Red Barren?

AF IS NOT HERE! Not even close! No spotting, no cramping, no sore boobs!

This has happened to me a few times before: no af after Provera. Both times it seemed to be because I was about to ovulate, and that seems to suppress my af, even through Provera. But I am not about to ovulate, either - I have no symptoms of it.

*Groan*

I am on a time crunch here, since we're 80% sure we'll move this summer. So I don't know how long I should wait before intervention (more Provera?).

Amusingly, though, the following is the Urban Dictionary's definition of menstruation for infertile women:

Red Barren

the menses of an infertile woman

Example: "It seems so unfair that Jill still has to endure her visits from Aunt Flo," Donald remarked sympathetically. "Doctors have assured her that she can never bear children, yet every month she is still obliged to have her date with the Red Barren."

work avoidance, yet can conquer anything!

Ok, because I'm engaging in work avoidance today, I saw on WiseGuy's blog (how do I link to this? I don't know!) that I needed to hike to the Steadfast Warrior's blog ASAP for a fun game.

I typed my first name into the Urban Dictionary (at www.urbandictionary.com), which provides hip-ish definitions.

Results:

1) _____ is usually the craziest of the bunch. quite often has a variety of different laughs, and can perform them all on demand. everybody loves _____, the type of person you always want to protect. she is a flamboyant driver. loves make up, clothes and accessories
oh ____'s coming. I can't see her but i can hear her.

2) one hot babe =] that talks to phillip on aim
_____ is a babe....

3)The pimpest of the pimp. Everyone wants to be a _____. Can conquer anything. Wakes up and pisses excellence. Indulges and rules in all gangstativities.
You never meet anything above a _____, because it doesn't exist.
Man: _____ you are so amazing.
_____: I know, i don't know why, it just keeps happening.

Bahahahahaha! Well, I do wake up and piss excellence! I don't know why - it just keeps happening! I am a one hit wonder, after all! :)

Sleepy and unmotivated. Where is af?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is off-topic, but I need to distract myself from the Hunt for Red AF.

I'm writing a section of my thesis about my cultural background. I'm a Mennonite. (Not the kind found in American Pennsylvania Dutch country, as I'm not German, but sort of the same idea.) My committee is fascinated by my heritage, and wants a whole chapter about it as it relates to my topic, so I'm rereading my beloved Di Brandt (poet, literary critic, and fellow Mennonite) to get an idea of what I might say. I'll pass on two of her titles here, in case anyone is interested.

1) Dancing Naked: Narrative Strategies for Writing Across Centuries (a book of creative non-fiction - very interesting)



2) questions i asked my mother (her first book of poetry - she was essentially shunned from the community for publishing this)

2 questions

I have two questions about my protocol - I'll ask the nurse the next time I go in to the clinic, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask here, as well, since I can't find good info online.

1) An endometrial biopsy will be scheduled, and I've never had one done before. I've posted about these biopsies before (http://rockedbyfaith.blogspot.com/2009/02/in-todays-globe-mail-uterine-biopsy.html), since preliminary research seems to show that they aid implantation. I'm wondering if what I'm getting is the same kind of procedure, or is there another reason for it?

2) I'm scheduled to take estrogen after transfer, which I didn't do last time. Why now?

af

Waiting for af ... she should arrive today. It's usually 4 days after the last Provera, which is the case here. Dum dee dum dee dum.

Too bad DH isn't here: sex usually gets af started. I'd never tell him I was 'using' him that way, though! hahaha

ETA: Oops, no wonder nothing's happening - af is due Tuesday, and today is only Monday! I'm jumping ahead of myself here...

IVF protocol

Back from the Detroit Autorama show. Was fun. Went shopping, too. I didn't spend much, though, because of the impending IVF and its accompanying massive bill. But I did purchase a high-waisted BCBG skirt for $35! Screw special occasions; I'm wearing it all summer.

So the IVF protocol is similar to last time, though the doctor said I could try the antagonist protocol if I wanted, but I don't.

The main change is to drop my Puregon (aka: Follistim) dose from 150 to 125, and to start monitoring on the third day of stims rather than the fifth. The RE says that the stims last time were too much too fast, which I knew. Instead of 8 or 9 days of stims, he's trying to go for 10 or 11. And we're aiming for fewer eggs. That makes me nervous, considering I got 11 last time and only 5 fertilized (and then two died), but this doctor has fantastic success rates, so I assume he knows what he's doing. If we don't get the desired number of follicles, since the stim dose is so low, we will cancel and start over again.

Before retrieval, DH will cryopreserve one sample, just in case.

(Btw, DH was very grumpy about the whole DNA thing, since he wondered why our previous doctors said that he had crappy sperm. I pointed out that his sperm is still crappy, but the most vital part - the genetic info - SEEMS to be ok. I said that the semen analysis just looks at the sperm exterior, while the DNA integrity examines the interior. I compared it to buying a truck: you don't want to buy it without inspecting the motor, first, to ensure that it runs, no? He liked that analogy, so that was ok with him.)

We will use ICSI again, as well as assisted hatching.

I will take extra folic acid (4 mg) and co-q10, along with my prenatal vits. No Metformin.

The RE will allow a three-embie transfer if things aren't looking good (shows how weird our case is, since it's my understanding that most Canadian REs don't permit more than 2 until after the maternal age of 38, and I'm 30). If - a BIG if, which I don't count on - they're in good shape, we'll attempt a day 5 transfer of two embies. I said I'd like to consider using only one, actually. I mean, I don't think we'll have that nice 'problem' of having options, but you never know.

He seemed to feel confident that this would work. Last year, he had a 78% success rate among women my age - that's impressive. I hope I don't have to take the statistical bullet this time.

He's very chatty - I like that about him. He's the first doctor I've ever had who made me feel that my comments, questions, and suggestions were valuable. He mentioned our provincial government's inquiry into the state of infertility care, and was excited when I said that I'd been interviewed for that.

Anyway... Day 1 should be in two days. Wow!

Normally I would have thought of joining an IVF Vets buddy thread, probably on ivf.ca or ivfconnections.com, but I think I'm over that. Not because the friendship isn't valuable - it is, and I could really use 'buddies' right now, and I have friendship to offer in return. But I will not be able to cope with everyone else's success if I fail again. It's happened too often to me, and it is devastating. So I'll hang out here, instead, and on other people's blogs, so that I can pick and choose where I feel ok on any given day.

Today I'll happily accept luck, prayers, anything. Maybe even some (*gasp*) hope. Yes, I just dropped the 'h-bomb.'

update

The night before the follow-up appointment, I had a dream in which a front tooth was cracked and falling out of my gums. I looked helplessly at myself in the mirror. I usually get that kind of dream when I'm feeling powerless. I try to pay attention to what my mind is doing during sleep; it helps me keep in touch with my body.

Happily, all was well at the doctor's office! DH's DNA results came back as excellent (the number was something like 13.86)- which is even better than most men's sperm!!! So even though his morphology and motility are still crappy, at least the most important part - his genetic bits - seems to be ok. I know that the DNA fragmentation test isn't the be-all and end-all of figuring out the quality and make-up of sperm, but at least it indicates - from the tip of the iceberg - the possibility that things are probably all right.

Did the vitamin regime and the organic menus help? Maybe. We'll never know, but we're sticking to it.

I was shocked. A happy kind of shock. Wowzas. I prayed thanksgivings.

All other test results were fine. DH has some kind of cysts in his manly bits, but I don't know if that's serious or not. I guess it isn't (?).

So our RE gave us an official protocol for a potential IVF cycle, including a lower dose of Puregon. I'll write more about it later. I signed off, and we're going to start next week. I begin bcp on my next day 1, which should be Thursday.

RE says that his success rate (clinical pregnancy) last year among women in my age category was 78%. He said he'd send me back home pregnant. I said I preferred to take a cautious approach. For all I know, I'll be left in that miserable 22%. Who knows?

Dang, but it's hard not to hope again, after that fantastic news about DH's little men.

Two useful bits of info:
1) The RE said that, in the future, he could aspirate all of my follicles in order to get my natural ovulation going again, since IVF has screwed that all up in my body. I didn't know I could ask for that kind of procedure.
2) New medical research has initiated a more skeptical view of Met for cysters. Will post more on this later. So the RE said that he'd prefer that I stay off Met. Yay.

Btw (off-topic): My dad overheard some of my former colleagues say that I am a great teacher. There is nothing like a good compliment! :)

Also, just checked out Autorama in Detroit - it's where the Ridler is handed out. A 16-year-old boy tried to pick me up at the show. EEK! He said he thought I was 18! DH rolled around laughing when he heard this!

IVF timeline

Yikes, what if the RE wants me to start cycling ASAP? I mean, that was kind of the tentative plan he mentioned at our consultation: to get started by March. The reality of it kind of snuck up on me.

Should I do it now, or wait another month? Finances are holding us back. And I dread the birth control pills. I've already warned my advisor about how temperamental I'm going to be during the spring (her response: "do what you need to do, and we'll figure everything else out as we go along" - isn't she wonderful?).

Well, I guess if the RE suggests an immediate start date, it will be Monday or Tuesday, since that's when af should arrive (I'm on Provera again). I just went to http://ivf.ca/calcu2.htm to figure out the timeline (that web site has a neat calculator that gives estimates of IVF schedules), and I could do an HPT by May 11 or so. And hopefully not get crushed again.

Must figure out the money issue. Our income tax refund will help, as will my final scholarship cheque in June. I guess we'll just pay the rest off as we're able. Good thing interest rates are low. And I've found a cheaper place to get meds.

Maybe I shouldn't presume too much, though. For all I know, DH's DNA is in the crapper, and IVF won't help. Urgh. Now I'm getting nervous for tomorrow's RE appointment.

Would it be worth it to pray for ok news, or - I'm hoping for too much here - even stellar news?

Is God acknowledging anything I'm asking for? I'm petitioning humbly to see a positive HPT again, to have a happy and uneventful pregnancy, a safe labour and delivery, and a healthy baby. These are everyday things for the rest of the world, but they're worth everything to me. I wish the same for all of you, as well. May this torture be over soon.

railing against the stupid and patriarchal medical establishment!

DH was not given his results today from the scrotal ultrasound! Instead, he was given a sealed envelope with the results, and told to bring it to our RE for a follow-up!!! WTH? It's HIS news about HIS body, not the doctor's!!! If it were my results, you may rest assured that I'd rip that envelope right open right away.

Our follow-up with the RE is tomorrow, anyway, so we'll bring along the 'official envelope' bearing DH's results. But I mean, come on. What a stupid policy.

I won't be on for a few days, since we're going to Detroit for the weekend, so I'll keep you all posted on the results and on the RE's recommendations. I hope it's not more bad news...

yet another test

Off to T-dot for DH's scrotal ultrasound. Poor guy; he's so nervous. He's never had any kind of medical physical exam. I said he was lucky that the u/s wand won't be shoved into his scrotum, contrary to my poor vagina's experiences.

update

Well, my committee meeting did work out, after much schedule rearranging, and the good news is that my committee members adore my thesis thus far (they all said they wished they'd written it themselves), think I'm brilliant, and are pushing me to go straight to doctoral work. *Blushes*

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Later, my advisor asked me how things were really going, and I cried all over the place, so she took me to lunch and calmed me down. I love her so much.

joke's on me

In the cosmic joke that is my life, I just got stuck in my apartment complex's elevator for the last hour, so I missed my thesis committee meeting (for which my professors rearranged their schedules, drove out from various cities, and made childcare arrangements) because I can't get there via transit on time.

unhappy again - BLAH!

Two unexpected references to pregnancies on Facebook (of course), and I feel as though my life is over again. I haven’t even really been on FB for the last 2 or 3 months (or whenever it was that I started complaining about this issue). But I was blindsided:

A) A good friend posted some of her paintings on her FB, and she wanted DH and me to look at them. They were well done. But her comment on one of them, a semi-erotic picture of a man and a woman holding each other, was that she’d painted it in response to finding out that she had conceived. (Of course, the baby was unplanned, her DH was mad about the pregnancy at first, blah blah, of course.)
B) An old friend sent me a message asking me how things were going, and I answered. Then I saw on his FB that he and his wife were expecting. Why on earth wouldn’t he tell us that, rather than letting us find out from reading his FB wall? (They do not know about our infertility.) I’m not going to congratulate them.

So now I’m sitting on my bed, mad and sad and crying. I hate Facebook. And we have to move back home this summer, and I just know that my brother and SIL there will be expecting soon, too – they’ve been married for 2.5 years, so that’s around the right time for them to announce #1 – and that I’ll have to face her belly all the time, and their beautiful babies, and everyone else’s pregnancies and children. I will be the only one without. I’ll be stuck at my crappy job, always going home to an empty house, and resenting DH for not letting me have something I really want.

Why why why does this happen to everyone IRL (in real life) and not to me? Why?

I am trying very hard to convince myself that it will be ok. I will be able to write often, I’ll have time to read, to keep my figure, to buy and make amazing clothes, to travel every spring break and summer, to have a beautiful house (well, if we ever pay off all this IF debt), to get a Ph.D., to retire at an early age, to have an abundance of time. But will this sorrow ever leave? With such an absence, it’s hard to feel joy.

ETA: Plus my painter-friend just wrote in my FB about my beautiful new necklace that it is "not toddler-friendly." What the hell, and why would I care? Why do fertile women talk to me as though I have children??????!!!!!! Even a SIL in DH's family, who has suffered 4 miscarriages and two stillbirths, commented to me on how my sleep problems would end with children, since "you won't be able to stay a nightowl for long." Excuse me? She KNOWS about our infertility, and she's been through the wringer with it herself, so WHY say that to me??

Show & Tell

This is my first attempt at Show & Tell, an activity found on the Stirrup Queen's blog http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2009/02/41st-circle-time-show-and-tell-weekly.html.

I want to show my gorgeous purchases from Albuquerque.



I bought the sterling silver necklace and turquoise/silver pendant separately. Both were handmade by local Navajo Indians.

The necklace doesn't need a pendant, per se, but I really wanted a piece of turquoise, and the two pieces look cool together.

(Sorry, it's a blurry picture - must get back to thesis work!)

nude photography

Part of photographer Rodney Braun's (http://thinkinaboutbeauty.blogspot.com/) mandate is to take beautiful and celebratory pictures of real women's bodies (no airbrushing, no porn-ish shots). He's a Christian, and I think it's awe-inspiring that he sees women's bodies as things to be appreciated for what they are. I wish I lived in Winnipeg so that I could have a photo session with him. Check out some of his work here: http://www.evestudios.ca/index2.php.

I'm back!

I'm back! Had a wonderful time in Albuquerque! Yahoo! Loved the food sooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Especially agave margaritas, Navajo tacos, and green chile stew. Also had lavender butter on cornbread - to die for! YUM and double YUM! Hurray for green chiles on everything!

Walked in the desert, traveled Route 66, shopped for jewelry, ate, drank, and slept in a swanky hotel. Our paper was well-received, as well (some people had tears in their eyes by the end!), and we had several publishing offers.

It was wonderful to have a break from the "infertility grinder" (as the wonderful WiseGuy terms our plight). I felt like myself again: happy and fun! Now that I'm back in the dredges of Canadian winter, we'll see how long this mood lasts.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In the meantime, DH (who couldn't come with me to ABQ) went for his DNA integrity test; we will hear the results this week. And, silly guy, he took the wrong vitamins (Pycnogenol instead of the male factor antioxidants) the whole time I was gone. SIIIIIIIIGH. Even though I reminded him and showed him 50 million times. MEN!

Also, our follow-up with the RE is this week. We'll find out if IVF is viable for us, and I guess we'll see the game plan. If there's no more bad news about male factor, we will start the next IVF within 4-8 weeks. But I'm cautious about my thinking regarding that, since for all I know, DH's spermies are shot to he!!.

I guess I'll start Provera again, too, since I'm on CD26, or something of the sort, and no ovulation in sight (not that it matters, anyway, but still).

_____________________________________________________________________________________

On another note, I was so sad to learn of Paul Harvey's passing. His storytelling skills were inimitable. I used to work at a few radio stations, and we always aired his segments - I always dropped what I was doing so I could listen.

I especially loved this reader's comment on the obituary printed by the CBC: "I remember one broadcast when Harvey, then about 50 years old, suggested that the USA should not send young men to Viet Nam, young men who had their adult lives ahead of them, and who were being wasted in a wasteful war. Send people my age, send me, he said. I can hold a rifle with a bayonet, he said. Send me."

Good day to you, Mr. Harvey, and godspeed!

update

Ok, I've had basically no internet access for the last 10 days, since I was back home, where I know many people who don't even know what internet is. Literally. It was great to see family and friends again, but I'm exhausted from driving around and visiting.

Did tell my parents about the m/c, failed cycles, IVF, etc. Wish I hadn't. They did not know how to respond, and ended up changing the subject. I guess miscarriages don't count as real children? Or my parents just didn't know how to handle that kind of news? I don't know. Maybe I'll write more about it later. I don't want to get myself down right now, since I'm in a decent mood.

Update on the shaking situation. I still haven't gotten the blood panel done, since I'm in the U.S. right now for a conference presentation. But I drank a bunch of milk and Gatorade (not at the same time), ate meat and bananas (also not at the same time), and got some sunshine. And now all the shakes are gone, even my nighttime ones. So it seems that I was low on some vitamins and minerals, though I don't know which ones. V.v. strange, considering that I'm one of the healthiest eaters around! I'm still going to get the blood tests done, just in case. Thanks so much for all the notes of concern! I was really scared there for a while, especially since my mom's youngest sister was just diagnosed with MS.

DH is back at our apartment. He's got his s/a and the BIG test tomorrow: the DNA fragmentation test. We will find out for once and for all what's going on, I hope.

Talk later!

body is going crazy

Oh, I am not good. I had to go to emergency because my muscle tremors are out of control. Muscles are jerking all over my body every 10-20 seconds, and it's freaking me out. Plus it's stealing the little bit of sleep I do get: I kept waking up because my neck was jerking around. It's really scary.

So the doctor ordered a blood panel - she thinks I'm low on B12 or iron or something - and if that comes back normal, she'll refer me to a neurologist. She doesn't think it's related to my whiplash injuries, but who knows? I'm scared. :(

And the thing is that I fly out early tomorrow morning, so I can't get the blood test done until March.

I guess if it gets worse when I'm on my trip, I'll go to a walk-in. And if something happens when I'm in the U.S. later on this month, I do have a double set of travel insurance.

Deep breathhhhhhh.....

And I have a bad cold.

Ok, must go to bed. Have a long day tomorrow. But I get to see one of my dearest friends and her parents - the first time since September. So that will be very good.

ETA: It's 2 a.m., must get up at 6 to catch flight, but can't sleep. Muscles are pulsating everywhere. I don't understand what's going on. It doesn't hurt (my back and neck always hurt, but that's beside the point for now). It's just disruptive.

Yeah, I couldn't stay away... lol

I wrote a little essay in response to this crap opinion piece on Nadya Suleman: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/la-oe-rutten11-2009feb11,1,6312240.column

In response to Tim Rutten, L.A. Times:

As a somewhat subfertile woman married to an infertile man, I wonder why fertiles preach to infertiles about our moral mandate to adopt all the orphaned children of the world. Because apparently it is OUR job to take care of the orphaned, and we are "narcissistic" for wanting to have biological children (for a reading on the historical imperative for this idea, check out historical research on motherhood and infertility by Margaret Marsh).

It does not matter to fertiles that many infertile women want to be a part of the cult of motherhood. We watch people like you celebrate 'natural' motherhood while denigrating us for merely wanting to be a part of it: a club that is everywhere, always, and from which we can't escape viewing dejectedly from the sidelines.

If adoption is so important, then why don't fertile people adopt, rather than spreading their own ignorant DNA? When a fertile person tells me that I am selfish, I stop listening unless that person has adopted a child, and therefore know of what she/he speaks. Guess how often I've come across someone who has adopted rather than give birth? Not once. So who is the narcissistic one, again?

Adoption is not the easy fix that fertile people believe. Infertility involves losses that adoption can't address (e.g., pregnancy, birth, ‘Daddy’s eyes, Mommy’s nose,’ induction into 'motherhood'). Adoption doesn't 'solve' infertility, nor should it be expected to do so. Adopted children should never have to feel as though they were a second choice.

And adoption is never a guarantee of a child. Adoption is heinously expensive, takes years and years to process, involves massive invasions of privacy - and at the end is no promise of a baby. Things go wrong, birthmoms change their minds, $ runs out, countries shut down adoption programs. Adoption is for rich people. That is, unless you're willing to accept a severely handicapped child into your home, or a set of siblings. How willing would YOU be to adopt a child who will never walk or talk? Probably not, so it's easier for you to foist this responsibility onto infertile people, and then blame us for shirking our duties.

I would love to adopt, but I am wary about so many aspects of it. For instance, how will I know that my child wasn’t abducted and sold on the black market? As a white woman, how will I address the cultural and racial losses of a child who is from a different background, since it’s unlikely that I would find a white infant? (Is love enough to make up for all those losses? I think that’s a valid question.) Will I resent an adopted child for not looking like me? Will my family accept a non-biological child?

Besides, where are all the millions of babies and children to whom you allude in this article? Did you do any research on this topic before making sweeping generalizations? Because there aren't that many available kids. And by the way, do you know how many of these 'millions' of children have been obtained through illegal means? I can provide a reference, if you’re interested.

I am not defending Nadya Suleman. The infertile community is as outraged by her actions as everyone else. She is giving us all a bad name: that we’re all crazy for turning to reproductive technologies to attempt to do what everyone else accomplishes for free – and whenever they want, as often as they want - in the privacy of their homes.

And besides, we fear that the actions of her unethical doctor will mean ramifications for the rest of us; e.g., government mandates for numbers of transferred embryos, when that should be left to a patient, her partner, and a responsible specialist to decide. For everyone is different. I am scared that Nadya's actions will mean bad things for my own medical efforts to conceive. I have bad embryos, for instance. My chances will be drastically reduced if the government tells me that I’m limited to transferring only one embryo.

It would have been great if you could have written something original on this topic. We infertile people have ALL heard the 'just adopt' maxim: that makes it hard for us to take people like you seriously. I can't believe that I spent 30 minutes typing a response to you.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night

Adieu, adieu, to yu and yu and yu!

I'm flying back home on Friday, and then to New Mexico, so I won't be around much until March. Maybe off and on. My parental units can't get high-speed internet on their country bumpkin yard yet - where I'll be laying my weary head - so that's why.

But don't worry, I'll return with a whiny vengeance in March, when we hopefully start strategizing for the next IVF round, so I'll save up all my pearls of wisdom until then! (And believe me, with PCOS, I always have pearls in abundance!)

a womb of one's own (ha ha, fellow english lit majors had better appreciate my little joke!)

Well, I received a compliment today. Apparently I have a 'beautiful' uterus and tubes. The RE's associate told me so. *Blush*

Anyway, the SHG and full-bladder ultrasound are done. Do not know why I needed these things, since I've had an HSG and 5 million ultrasounds before, but this new RE is just being thorough, and I don't mind that one bit.

Now I'm crampy.

So I walked around rain-soaked Toronto all afternoon, looking for Neutrogena concealer, but do you think I could find any? No. This is the story of my life. But I poked around a bunch of shops, dreaming of how I'd update my wardrobe if I didn't have to save for IVF.

SHG and diet

Getting my SHG done tomorrow. Hurray. Here's how you know the IF-treatment romance is over: I didn't shave my legs or trim my naughty bits. It never crossed my mind, nor do I care. hahaha

Whole body hurts. Am worried about these tremors all over my body; they're not visible, and not enough to stop me from doing daily tasks, but they're frequent and annoying. DH wants me to go to the doctor, but I don't know where I'm going to find a gp. I feel as though I'm 62 years old, in both mind and body.

DH started the heavy-dose antioxidant therapy yesterday. I think the product is from Coast Reproductive Male Fertility, or something like that. So expensive - $90 per month. Lots of folic acid, vitamin C, selenium, glutathione, relora, co-q10, etc. So it's 4 of those pills every day (plus the pycnogenol). A fellow patient at my clinic says that the supplement did make a difference in her partner's s/a, so that's good. Doesn't mean that I think anything will happen in our case, but if anything did, I'd fall over in shock and awed joy, of course.

If you knew us in real life, you'd be shocked at DH's lifestyle changes. He's lost 40 pounds in the last year or so, he plays hockey and golf, and he eats so much healthier - and he likes it! Former Mr Potato Chips eats very little junk now, complains all over the place if he doesn't get two extra-large salads every day, and says now he prefers our food to restaurants. If we do eat junk like McDonald's, he grumbles later about not feeling good. So ladies, there is hope for guys!

And eating healthy doesn't mean tasteless food. Far from it, actually. I made salads and pizza today, and it was delish. Tasty crisp whole grain crusts (whole wheat flour and ground flaxseed) and homemade sauce. One pizza was Greek, so I used roast beef slices, feta cheese, tomato slices, green peppers, olives, and purple onions, plus a drizzle of Greek salad dressing. The other was Italian-ish, so I used proscuitto (sp?), provolone, and mushrooms, plus Italian seasonings. Easy on the cheese and heavy on the veggies. So friggin good, and it'll last for 3 dinners.

Oh, my omega-3 update. We're eating more salad dressings that are hemp- and canola-based. We're adding more flaxseed to salads and cereals. And when we fly back home later this week, I'll pick up hemp seed for a more reasonable price than I'll find out here. If you've never eaten hemp seed, you should try it. Tastes so good - fresh and nutty - and it's ridiculously nutritious: full of essential fatty acids and amino acids - I think it forms a complete protein. Lots of vitamins and minerals, too.

Alas, I am having no luck on kicking the caffeine addiction, guys. I cannot kick my one-cappuccino-per-day habit. I think I need an intervention. Or am I allowed to keep this one vice?

in today's globe & mail: uterine biopsy

First the biopsy, then the baby

A common medical procedure may be the key to helping couples who've had no luck with artificial insemination and IVF

Article Comments (1) TRALEE PEARCE

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

February 10, 2009 at 8:47 AM EST

Could a common uterine biopsy make pregnancy "stick" for women having trouble conceiving? A small but growing number of couples are embracing an unusual use of biopsies during infertility treatments in the belief that they may help increase the chances of a successful pregnancy.

In a handful of small studies, biopsies of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus, which are usually performed as a diagnostic tool to sample tissue and test for infections, disease or other problems, have been found to boost the pregnancy rates of women who had tried in-vitro fertilization and failed to become pregnant.

One Toronto couple credits the procedure with the first successful pregnancy in 10 years of trying. After 11 artificial inseminations and two IVFs proved fruitless, Roslyn and Howard Kaman had experienced the gamut of failure, from miscarriages to ectopic pregnancies. They had opted to try adoption when they read an article about a lecture at Toronto's Weizmann Science Canada by an Israeli researcher, Nava Dekel.

In 2003, Dr. Dekel found that 45 women who had undergone a uterine biopsy during the menstrual cycle before undergoing IVF had almost twice the rate of pregnancies and births compared with a control group of 89 women. In 27.7 per cent of the women in the biopsy group, the embryo transfer was successful.


Enlarge Image
Howard and Roslyn Kaman with their three-month-old daughter Hannah. Ms. Kaman became pregnant after convincing a Toronto fertility specialist to take a biopsy of her uterus. (JENNIFER ROBERTS)

The IVF worked for just 14.2 per cent of the control group.

The Kamans wrote to Dr. Dekel, and she connected them with the fertility clinic in Israel that had performed the procedures. Doctors there sent the couple a detailed protocol, which involved three separate biopsies on particular days in the cycle just before an IVF treatment. The Kamans' Toronto fertility specialist, Fay Weisberg, agreed to try it.

Ms. Kaman became pregnant on the first IVF cycle after the procedure and baby Hannah is now three months old.

"I still can't believe it. I think I will go through my whole life and not believe we were successful," says Ms. Kaman, 41.

While broader research is being conducted to confirm the role these biopsies may be playing, anecdotal evidence is starting to mount suggesting that the disruption of the uterus somehow leads to the successful implantation of an embryo. Some practitioners say they'll wait for randomized trial results before they start offering biopsies to IVF patients.

Togas Tulandi, a McGill University medical researcher, is hoping to figure out what role the biopsies might play, if any, in the successful pregnancies of women like Ms. Kaman. He is in the midst of conducting a large randomized study (he hasn't yet reached his goal of 162 participants) and says that if the biopsies are working, the mechanism may be akin to tilling the soil before you plant a tulip bulb.

"Maybe this slight injury to the endometrium makes the environment for implantation better," he says. "If we can prove that it works, we can do it routinely."

Since the procedure carries little risk, other than discomfort and a very small chance of infection or injury to the uterus, many fertility doctors are already incorporating it into their practices. While it is not listed on her menu of services at the First Steps Fertility clinic where she is medical partner, Dr. Weisberg says she now offers it to most of her patients who have failed to conceive with IVF and for most patients before they undergo a frozen embryo transfer.

"I suspect that it will probably soon be a routine for all patients undergoing IVF."

The only reason it's not routine is a paucity of large studies and the fact that it's painful and uncomfortable for most women, she says.

Although she can't unequivocally say whether the biopsies are effective - "the women end up being their own control" - Dr. Weisberg has a hunch that they work.

It could have something to do with increased blood flow, or the way in which the proteins in the uterus heal, she says. "I do believe something changes deep down."

And she's not worried about a stampede for the procedure on the part of desperate couples.

"Not to be cavalier, but this is a procedure already being done on younger women for bleeding of the uterus and other problems," she says. "It's easy, quick, but painful. There's no anesthetic. You can go right back to work."

Other specialists take a more cautious approach. Fertility expert Arthur Leader does not offer it to patients at the Ottawa Fertility Centre where he practises. Until a randomized study such as Dr. Tulandi's can prove that women undergoing these biopsies have a better chance of getting and staying pregnant, "the precautionary principle should apply," he says. "You shouldn't do it until a benefit has been shown."

He points out that there have been many other treatments, including low-dose Aspirin, a blood protein called albumin and a diabetes drug called metformin, that were believed to help women conceive and were routinely prescribed but which, after much study, proved either to do harm or have no effect. And, as far as Dr. Leader is concerned, "No good is harm."

For couples who end up with a healthy pregnancy after uterine biopsies, it's hard not to credit the procedure for their little bundles of joy. Still, Ms. Kaman says that even though she suspects the treatment did work, there may have been some luck involved. When she imagines trying for a second IVF baby, "part of me thinks lightning's not going to strike twice with us."

Anatomy of a biopsy

An endometrial biopsy is performed by inserting a suction catheter through the vagina and cervix, into the uterus. The end is pressed up against the uterine wall where it cuts away a small sample of the lining tissue.

Because of any number of factors, an embryo may not be able to attach itself to the cells that make up the lining of the uterus.

After the biopsy is taken, some researchers and fertility experts believe that the slight damage caused to the wall of the uterus makes it a better environment for implantation, whether because of increased blood flow, the healing process or some other factor.

SOURCE: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090210.wlfertility10/BNStory/lifeFamily/home

Have nothing to say, really, but here I am. Am behind in all correspondence again. Blah. No energy, and have these weird tremors in my limbs.

Going back home on Friday for a few weeks, and am not really looking forward to it. Not that I don't want to see my family and friends - of course I do - but it's so much energy to smile all the time. Have finally gotten myself back on track with my work, and so I'm sorry to take the time off right now. Just wanna get done with it all.

Maybe I should run to Timmie's for a muffin and some tea. It's kinda late, but that would be a nice treat to enjoy while watching Stewart and Colbert. I deserve all the treats I can get, right?

this weekend

Had a wonderful time in Toronto. My prof rented the condo's beautiful guest suite for me, and we worked together with another student on our conference presentation, drank wine, went to see The Reader (excellent movie), and took in an exhibition (Andre Kertesz's 'On Reading'), and visited a few other galleries.

I found a really cool quilted black skirt, with white embroidery, that I'm going to wear to the wedding (for $40); I've got a hot pink embroidered corset to go with it, and a cardigan with intricate folds down the front, plus tights and boots. So all I need to pick up is a few necklaces and bracelets. And I need to get my hair cut and coloured. If you're on my FB, I'll post pics after the wedding is over. I felt really good for a few days, since I could concentrate on my work and enjoy my interests in arts and culture.

Speaking of the devil, then I came home, and first thing I did was find out - via Facebook, of course - that one of Steve's buddies from work is going to be a dad. We've become good friends with him and his wife, and they were also 'infertile.' Apparently not so. I doubt that medical intervention was involved, since they live in a remote area now. Just one of those miracles that seem to happen to everyone IRL except me. So she wrote on my wall about her coffee aversions and lack of scrubs to wear to work. :( I like her a lot, but this is so hard. So DH and I just drove around aimlessly for hours.

Gah. I used to be a (relatively) happy person. I used to be happy for other people who'd gotten good news. Am I destined to be a sour and lonely old lady?

Am thinking that I need to phone my parents to say that if my brother and SIL are expecting, that they should tell me ASAP. I want to know right away, just in case SIL is planning to surprise me, so that I can prepare myself. It's gotta happen sooner or later. She's 30, and her sister already has 2 kids, so she can't be far behind.

going shopping

Thank you, friends, for everything.

Sorry for the brevity of this note, but I'm off to Toronto for the weekend on a much-needed break (my professor has rented a guest suite for me so that we can get work done on a joint presentation). Going shopping, too, even though I can't afford it. DH's bff is getting married in a few weeks, and it's one of those rare occasions that I can get dolled up, so I'm looking for something fancy! Gonna hit up the upscale consignment shops - yeah!

blaaaaaaaaaah

Things are still bad. DH will be late coming home today, and he picked a good day for it.

To top things off, my last principal, whom I adore, said to me today that she doesn't think she'll be able to find a position for me in September, since enrolment is dropping. I am so bummed about that. I'm supposed to try getting in to another school in the division, and then wait for a position to open up again at her school in the years to come.

Ok, other topic. I saw this in the newspaper today, and wondered what others think about it. A sixty-year-old woman in Canada has given birth to twins, and a medical ethicist has some strong comments about it. I am not sure what to think.

Ethicist says children's interests paramount when older mothers give birth
By: THE CANADIAN PRESS
1:10 PM

CALGARY - A medical ethicist says a child's best interests are the most important consideration when women use fertility treatments to become mothers long past natural child-bearing years.

Margaret Somerville of McGill University in Montreal says no one has the right to interfere in natural conception, but ethics are different when medical advances are involved.

Her comments came Thursday after a spokesperson for the Calgary Health Region confirmed a 60-year-old woman gave birth at a city hospital.

The health region wouldn't give details, but CBC Newsworld was reporting that the woman had twins after fertility treatments in India.

Somerville said a woman who is 60 probably wouldn't be allowed to adopt a child, and the considerations used to make that decision should also apply when an older mother wants to use special treatments to get pregnant.

She said the ethics are further complicated by the fact many older women are no longer producing eggs and so aren't even genetically related to the children they deliver.

The CBC said Ranjit Hayer's two boys were delivered seven weeks prematurely by caesarean section at Calgary's Foothills Hospital on Tuesday.

The mother was recovering in intensive care, while the twins were in neo-natal intensive care.
The CBC said one of the babies was breathing with the help of special equipment, but doctors said both boys were doing well.

The network quoted the woman's obstetrician, Colin Birch, as saying there are social and ethical considerations beyond the medical ones.

He said he can't imagine being 65 and having two five-year-olds running around.

panic - please avoid reading if you want to stay in a good mood

Panicking again. It kicks in every.single.night. after DH goes to bed. I am so effing unhappy. I am so sick of crying. And I won't fall asleep, so I've got a long night ahead.

I am so worried about money, trying to have a baby, my health, finishing my thesis. I'm embarrassed to be writing all this - I must sound like a freak for being so anxious, but I can't help it. I can't do anything to alleviate the anxiety except to take Ativan once in a while to fall asleep. But I don't have an unlimited supply, and it doesn't work if I use it regularly.That's probably a good thing, because I'd love to be on it every day. It calms me down and helps me doze off.

Money. I haven't been able to do R.A. work on a steady basis because of this TTC mess, so our income has dropped significantly again in the last year. Now, I have to pay extra tuition this term - just found out today - because I didn't get my thesis committee meeting in before the end of December, even though I'm done the proposal itself. So there's another $700. I'm really bitter about that, especially since I did not know that I was supposed to schedule a meeting; it's not listed as a requirement in our M.Ed. handbook. And I don't have the strength right now to argue about it.

DH is worried about his job because of the crashing economy. I've been putting out feelers about teaching jobs for the fall, and have heard nothing, which alarms me. If I land something back home, we'd have to move this summer, and it's unlikely that DH would find a job before the following spring. If we don't move, I won't have work here, either. (Not good for our finances or for my resume. And I don't need all that time on my hands.) And I am nervous about returning to teaching.

This is all funnelling into my fear that we will not be able to afford any more treatments; we are just getting by as it is. I already do not know how we are going to pay for an IVF in spring. We'd planned to take it out of retirement savings, but I don't think we're allowed to withdraw it from the kind of account we've put that money in.

And in the meantime, we've saved nothing for our retirement during the last 2 years, and we're not the proverbial spring chickens anymore. (I mean, DH is approaching middle age already. Where is the time going?) Everything extra has gone for either cycling or for travelling back home, and that's where it'll keep going, at least for another year.

We have money coming from income tax this spring, but much of that will have to pay off cycle and travel debt on my credit card. I'll have a final cheque from grad studies coming in June, so that will be nice; the one good thing in all this. Too bad it'll be wasted on paying for 1/3 of a possible IVF that probably won't work anyway. It would have been so great to put it into savings.

Thank goodness we only have to pay $200 for all these new diagnostic tests. I shudder to think what it would all cost if we lived elsewhere. But then again, if we'd lived elsewhere, it would never have taken so many years to get to the root of the problem, and I wouldn't have to panic about all of this!!!!!! Seriously, I love my country - it's a great place - but the healthcare in some provinces seriously sucks!

Baby crap. Yeah. Of course I will never ever have a child. Why would I ever be so lucky? Why would God, after all these years of silence, suddenly decide that now we're good enough to be parents? Is He
a) punishing us for some unknown sin?
b) testing us for some unknown reason?
c) thinking we'd be lousy parents?
d) planning on sending a kid when we least expect it?
e) just plain ignoring us?

WE DON'T KNOW! Nobody does!!! I am so effing tired of being patient!!! I have been very, very patient and understanding, and now I'm tired of it. I'm angry, and I think I have a right to be. What part of God's PLAN is so special that it includes screwing up every aspect of my life? And now DH and I have been those stereotypical 'backslidden' Christians, so we'll probably end up in hell, and I won't see my babies there, either. So there's another thing to be scared of. Although I can't imagine how hell could be much worse than what I'm going through now.

I'm terrified now, too, that if I ever do get pregnant, I'll have a miscarriage again, or a stillbirth. Hey, why not worry about it - it happens to other women. I know plenty of them. So why wouldn't God rain that travesty down on me, too? I don't know if I could endure that. Really and truly think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But I'll never get to that point, so why think about it. I'll live too far away from an IF clinic, and won't have the funds to pay for it, anyway.

So what to do for the rest of my life? A dark dense hole of meaningless nothingness.

Health. I am getting nervous that I have some kind of onset arthritis. I'm sore every day, even my arms and legs. I wonder if whiplash (I have a bad case of it) can lead to arthritis, or at least hasten its progress? It's weird that I'm sore everywhere. I've heard that depression can do that, but I resist that idea. I don't want to think of myself as depressed.

Thesis. I'm working hard again, but feel as though I'll never be done. Am I working enough hours every day? I have no idea how long it should be, when I've read enough stuff, when I've revised enough, etc. I have no clue when I will be finished. I'm hoping for July, at this point, but I don't know if that's realistic. I really do not know. Also don't know if my writing is 'original' enough.

And I have to take more than 2 weeks off this month to fly home (for DH's bff's wedding), so I lose all that work time, plus we have to ante up for all the travel costs. I think I'm going to put a moratorium on trips home. Too bad if someone gets married or gets sick. Unless it's our parents, I'm staying put until my work here is done. It just makes me too worried otherwise. I can't concentrate on anything if I'm behind in my work.

Maybe I should go to the doctor, as I've said before. Try some kind of anti-anxiety med. But I don't want to be on that leading up to a possible IVF. Plus, if we ever tried to adopt, I think that would make it difficult. My cousin's wife said to me at one point that she couldn't adopt because she has always been on anti-depressants, so she wasn't allowed. (Yeah, and people bitch and moan about how infertile people should 'just adopt' - little do they know how hard it is, even impossible for some people.)

I was on antidepressants when I was in my early twenties (could not get out of bed in the mornings and cared about nothing - it was horrible), and have stayed off since then. Maybe I should stop resisting, though. I mean, I have a strong family history of depression and anxiety, so it shouldn't be surprising that I'd feel this way after seven years of unwanted childlessness, thousands and thousands spent on failed cycles, and a miscarriage of dearly loved and wanted babies. I miss them; I think about them every single minute of every day. It shouldn't be surprising that I feel terrible.

So yeah. I don't know what to do about any of this. I should pray, I guess, but that doesn't give me any peace anymore, and reading the Bible just makes me friggin upset.

I am so weak. Less than adequate because I am paralyzed by anxiety, especially in the evenings. Does it make me a weak person? Less of a person? Worthless? That's how I feel. I am so scared.

I want to wake DH, to talk to him, but he needs his sleep - he gets up at 5:30 a.m. I don't know if I should talk to him about all this, anyway. Why make him all panicked, too? I've been putting on a happy face for the last month, since I've been so sad, it was scaring him. He said to me that he was afraid that he'd come home one day and I wouldn't be there anymore. So I've got my happy mask on, the goofy girl he used to know. Should I tell him it's not real?

I'm so lost, and hugely embarrassed to be posting this. If you've made it through the end of this depressing and repetitive post, my hat's off to you.

What can I do to make myself feel better? I've tried to be giving to others. I try to help other TTC'ing women on the web sites I'm on, I'm involved in community events, I help other teachers with professional development, I donate to charity, I try to be kind to the people around me, etc. Giving to other people often makes me feel better, since it moves the focus, you know? But it's not helping this time. Nothing is.

All of my normal pleasures are tainted. Can't sleep to escape it. Books and movies and TV- can't escape pregnancies, babies, happy families. If I write, it just turns out to be about this infertility crap and how miserable I feel, and though that does help, I'm peeved that my writing energy and ability always go out to that and not to anything new. I am a really good writer, and probably should be published more often than I am, but this infertility nonsense sucks it all away. I don't have energy to phone family or friends, and most of them don't know about any of this anyway. And they've all got kids. I'm so sore and tired - exercise doesn't rejuvenate me like it usually does. Can't go on SoulCysters, for reasons I've described ad nauseum. Can't post this on ivfconnections.com because it mentions cycling, and most of the vets are understandably very sensitive about that subject. Should e-mail my online TTC friends for help - seriously, you ladies are some of the best and truest friends I've got - but I am scared of dragging them down when they may in fact be having a good day for a change. And I can't drink - it'll just make me feel bad. I don't think we have any booze in the house, anyway. Can't even talk to other people about books and things - if women are involved, the talk always turns to "and then I had kids, so who has time to read then? Haha."

What is the point to all of this? I should've hit the half way in my pregnancy by now. This is so hard.

shopaholic

Am I the only one who wants to see Shopaholic? I love those books! Well, the fourth one wasn't the greatest, but that's ok.

It'll make a great chick flick, plus it stars the fabulous Isla Fisher (who played the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers and the sweetheart in Definitely, Maybe), so I hope it'll be a fun movie.

Must find someone to come with me. I don't mind seeing movies alone, but my solo flights get everyone else in a dither (i.e., "You went to see a movie by yourself? Why?")

omega 3

Am doing more research on Omega 3, and am impressed by our need for it, especially since it affects fertility-related things such as hormone production, blood clotting (it acts as a thinner), and DNA.

This is what I just read (it's research-based, with lots of journal references): http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=84

Apparently we need somewhere in the neighbourhood of 4 mg/day. Although I do get a lot of Omega 3 (through dietary sources), it's still not enough. Every day, I get about 1 mg through hemp seed in my cereal, another 1 mg in my salad dressing, and another bit through fish, green veg, and other sources. But I need more, and so does DH. So I guess I will add flaxseed to our diets - it tastes good, anyway - and I will try to include more salmon (meh) and even more green veg, like brussels sprouts (yuck).

So....recipes, anyone? I love fish, but dislike salmon, and I hate greens like brussels sprouts, collard greens, and kale. But I prefer food to supplements. Our bodies absorb nutrients better through food. Food=medicine.

Am wondering, too, if the increased intake of O-3 would help my chronic whiplash pain. Maybe it would help reduce inflammation? That would be wonderful.

ETA: I would eat this: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Alaskan-Salmon-Chowder/Detail.aspx

Diva cup!

That's it! I wonder why I was thinking 'Lunesse'? (I think Americans have something called The Keeper.)

Goody, I just looked it up, and a store within walking distance has them in stock. What did we ever do without the internet? Anyway, time for me to be environmental - I'm going to get one tomorrow.

May I preach to you all for a moment? Look at how much garbage we create with our menstrual products over the course of our lives (found this pic at http://www.keeper.com/photographs.html):

afffff TMI TMI TMI

Af is here, finally. At least the provera worked.

I went to the grocery store to pick up tampons, and they only had the teeny small kind! The size that 12-year-old girls wear because they're too scared that x-large ones will mean that they're not virgins anymore! Ok, I exaggerate. But really, come on. They'll fall out if I sneeze!

I fumed, and went looking for someone to complain to. (DH thinks this is hilarious, since I'm non-confrontational.) But it was clear to me that a MAN was doing the ordering for the female 'sanitary hygiene' department, and that he was engaging in a clear case of wish fulfillment. No woman would have ordered 100 different kinds of tiny tampons. Grrrrr.

I didn't find anyone. So I went home, sans sanitary supplies. I guess this is a sign that I should buy one of those ... oh, what are they called? Those reuseable rubber things. They're around $35 and they're supposed to last forever, plus they're environmentally friendly. I wonder where I can buy one? It'll be pretty tough if I can't remember the name!!! lol

thesis

Thanks for being so understanding, folks. Much appreciated.

My advisor says that she is delighted with my thesis, and that means a lot to me, since she knows of what she speaks.

Have I ever said what it is that I'm writing, exactly? I'm supposed to be writing a social sciences thesis, since I'm working on a master's degree in Education. So it should be boring, since most of that kind of writing is dull, in my opinion.

I decided I didn't want to do that. So I'm writing a memoir about my life in books. It's just as research-based as any other kind of thesis, but I'm involving a more interesting kind of arts-based narrative, using poetry, letters, lists, a medieval-style gloss, and anything else that suits the content. I guess it's more of a feminist style of writing.

My reproductive life, or lack thereof, also crops up from time to time, since it links to the reproductive practice of teaching children in schools, and it kinda stands in contrast to my productive life in writing. I don't really want to write about infertility, but I did two kick-ass graduate papers on the topic, and it's unavoidable, since I can't even escape from such words as 'conceived' when I write. Do you know what I mean? (See Bitter Milk by Madeleine Grumet for a profound and beautifully written book about teaching/mothering, production/reproduction, etc. - should be mandatory reading for women teachers).

It's challenging to blend academic writing with my creative work - it makes the process really convoluted and crazy - but I think I'm good at it, and I've received great training from the two universities I've attended for this degree. So somehow it's all coming together. I'm presenting part of it at an American conference in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to it.

worryyyyyyyy

It was a tough night. I ended up taking Ativan and Gravol to calm down before going to bed. Love Ativan, and wish I could take it every day, but it doesn't work if I take it more than 2 or 3 times/month. So it's for emergencies. Besides, I'm still on my stash from my doctor at home - she prescribed 60 pills as sleeping aids when I moved away 18 months ago, and I have 30 left - and I don't know how hard it will be to get more.

Besides blaming my anxiety on PCOS, I can also blame it on both 'nature' and 'nurture': my mom (and others in her family) have a history of anxiety and depression, and my strict cultural upbringing was enough to make any girl worried about everything. And on top of that, I think a lot of women suffer from anxiety, due to the way we're socialized, anyway, in a man's world. It's a lot to deal with.

I am severely far behind in the dealing with the bureaucracy of my thesis. I HAVE to have a committee meeting next week, but haven't sent my proposal out yet for them to look at. The aftermath of the miscarriage and the failed FET have just prevented me from doing much, especially dealing with paperwork and correspondence. So I have to get on top of that today.

ETA: I just got the proposal together - from all its bits and pieces - and sent it off. (It's 50 pages long, and that's just the first 3 chapters. Yikes.) At least that's one less thing to worry about today.

PCOS and stress

I'm miserable and lonely and stressed out, so I'm hanging out here.

Found this in my e-mail, and thought I'd pass it on to all other 'cysters' out there: http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/news74.html#sec1 It's about the effects of stress on women with PCOS. (All I had to say was: It's NOT my fault for being stressed out and anxious about everything???)


PCOS Women Super-Sensitive to Stress

When's the last time your doctor asked you if you are under chronic stress? Or that it might have anything to do with your health?

Did you know that stress hormones may increase anxiety, excessive eating, weight gain, belly fat, infertility, miscarriage, ovarian cysts and a host of other health problems?

Chronic stress is a particular problem for women with PCOS because they appear to have an exaggerated response to stress, as shown in a recent study from the University of Duisburg-Essen in Germany. Thirty two women with PCOS and 32 non-PCOS women had to do a public speaking assignment. Biochemical markers showed the PCOS women had a more stressful experience. They also showed increased psychological stress compare to the other group.

The authors concluded: "The altered stress reactivity in PCOS patients may constitute a link between depression, overweight, and the cardiovascular and diabetes risks associated with the diagnosis."

In other words, it's more important for you than other people to find ways to reduce chronic stress, regardless of its source.

Even though stress is "invisible", it is real. Stress management is important even if your doctor ignores it. Successful stress management will definitely help you improve your PCOS situation.

Source: Benson S et al, Disturbed stress responses in women with polycystic ovary syndrome, Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2009 Jan 14. [Epub ahead of print]

V.v. grumpy, tired, sad, angry. Mad at life; think it's taking too long. Can't focus on anything. Am picking on my DH for laughs. I'm bad, I know. We made chicken wings (not fried, but so good) and pizza, and he's overeaten chicken, so now there's no room in his belly for pizza. Hardy har har. He looks disgruntled.

tiredddddd

Could NOT sleep last night. Got all anxious, and then it's goodbye to the zzzzzzzz's.

I'm worried that DH won't find work when we move, and then no more TTC. This is a very realistic concern, considering the global financial meltdown. Industries in our hometowns are already shrinking by significant numbers, and U.S. protectionism is going to hurt. DH is in trades, so this does not bode well for him.

And my salary is nothing to brag about. When I teach full-time, I take home less than $2000/month (Canadian dollars), and don't forget that the cost of living is higher here than in the U.S. So it's not enough for us both to live on, really, let alone pursue the babymaking race. Why am I a teacher? I don't know.

I'm going to a sleep disorder clinic for an evaluation, and I hope they can do something about the anxiety that always kicks in at bedtime. More than likely, though, they'll say that I have to go to a gp for treatment for that. And I can't find a gp - they're in heinously short supply - so then what? Maybe the sleep clinic can help me with the limb twitchiness, though; it always jars me awake as I'm drifting off.

I feel like a young old person.

Urgh, I'm grumpy.