railing against the stupid and patriarchal medical establishment!

DH was not given his results today from the scrotal ultrasound! Instead, he was given a sealed envelope with the results, and told to bring it to our RE for a follow-up!!! WTH? It's HIS news about HIS body, not the doctor's!!! If it were my results, you may rest assured that I'd rip that envelope right open right away.

Our follow-up with the RE is tomorrow, anyway, so we'll bring along the 'official envelope' bearing DH's results. But I mean, come on. What a stupid policy.

I won't be on for a few days, since we're going to Detroit for the weekend, so I'll keep you all posted on the results and on the RE's recommendations. I hope it's not more bad news...

yet another test

Off to T-dot for DH's scrotal ultrasound. Poor guy; he's so nervous. He's never had any kind of medical physical exam. I said he was lucky that the u/s wand won't be shoved into his scrotum, contrary to my poor vagina's experiences.

update

Well, my committee meeting did work out, after much schedule rearranging, and the good news is that my committee members adore my thesis thus far (they all said they wished they'd written it themselves), think I'm brilliant, and are pushing me to go straight to doctoral work. *Blushes*

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Later, my advisor asked me how things were really going, and I cried all over the place, so she took me to lunch and calmed me down. I love her so much.

joke's on me

In the cosmic joke that is my life, I just got stuck in my apartment complex's elevator for the last hour, so I missed my thesis committee meeting (for which my professors rearranged their schedules, drove out from various cities, and made childcare arrangements) because I can't get there via transit on time.

unhappy again - BLAH!

Two unexpected references to pregnancies on Facebook (of course), and I feel as though my life is over again. I haven’t even really been on FB for the last 2 or 3 months (or whenever it was that I started complaining about this issue). But I was blindsided:

A) A good friend posted some of her paintings on her FB, and she wanted DH and me to look at them. They were well done. But her comment on one of them, a semi-erotic picture of a man and a woman holding each other, was that she’d painted it in response to finding out that she had conceived. (Of course, the baby was unplanned, her DH was mad about the pregnancy at first, blah blah, of course.)
B) An old friend sent me a message asking me how things were going, and I answered. Then I saw on his FB that he and his wife were expecting. Why on earth wouldn’t he tell us that, rather than letting us find out from reading his FB wall? (They do not know about our infertility.) I’m not going to congratulate them.

So now I’m sitting on my bed, mad and sad and crying. I hate Facebook. And we have to move back home this summer, and I just know that my brother and SIL there will be expecting soon, too – they’ve been married for 2.5 years, so that’s around the right time for them to announce #1 – and that I’ll have to face her belly all the time, and their beautiful babies, and everyone else’s pregnancies and children. I will be the only one without. I’ll be stuck at my crappy job, always going home to an empty house, and resenting DH for not letting me have something I really want.

Why why why does this happen to everyone IRL (in real life) and not to me? Why?

I am trying very hard to convince myself that it will be ok. I will be able to write often, I’ll have time to read, to keep my figure, to buy and make amazing clothes, to travel every spring break and summer, to have a beautiful house (well, if we ever pay off all this IF debt), to get a Ph.D., to retire at an early age, to have an abundance of time. But will this sorrow ever leave? With such an absence, it’s hard to feel joy.

ETA: Plus my painter-friend just wrote in my FB about my beautiful new necklace that it is "not toddler-friendly." What the hell, and why would I care? Why do fertile women talk to me as though I have children??????!!!!!! Even a SIL in DH's family, who has suffered 4 miscarriages and two stillbirths, commented to me on how my sleep problems would end with children, since "you won't be able to stay a nightowl for long." Excuse me? She KNOWS about our infertility, and she's been through the wringer with it herself, so WHY say that to me??

Show & Tell

This is my first attempt at Show & Tell, an activity found on the Stirrup Queen's blog http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2009/02/41st-circle-time-show-and-tell-weekly.html.

I want to show my gorgeous purchases from Albuquerque.



I bought the sterling silver necklace and turquoise/silver pendant separately. Both were handmade by local Navajo Indians.

The necklace doesn't need a pendant, per se, but I really wanted a piece of turquoise, and the two pieces look cool together.

(Sorry, it's a blurry picture - must get back to thesis work!)

nude photography

Part of photographer Rodney Braun's (http://thinkinaboutbeauty.blogspot.com/) mandate is to take beautiful and celebratory pictures of real women's bodies (no airbrushing, no porn-ish shots). He's a Christian, and I think it's awe-inspiring that he sees women's bodies as things to be appreciated for what they are. I wish I lived in Winnipeg so that I could have a photo session with him. Check out some of his work here: http://www.evestudios.ca/index2.php.

I'm back!

I'm back! Had a wonderful time in Albuquerque! Yahoo! Loved the food sooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Especially agave margaritas, Navajo tacos, and green chile stew. Also had lavender butter on cornbread - to die for! YUM and double YUM! Hurray for green chiles on everything!

Walked in the desert, traveled Route 66, shopped for jewelry, ate, drank, and slept in a swanky hotel. Our paper was well-received, as well (some people had tears in their eyes by the end!), and we had several publishing offers.

It was wonderful to have a break from the "infertility grinder" (as the wonderful WiseGuy terms our plight). I felt like myself again: happy and fun! Now that I'm back in the dredges of Canadian winter, we'll see how long this mood lasts.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In the meantime, DH (who couldn't come with me to ABQ) went for his DNA integrity test; we will hear the results this week. And, silly guy, he took the wrong vitamins (Pycnogenol instead of the male factor antioxidants) the whole time I was gone. SIIIIIIIIGH. Even though I reminded him and showed him 50 million times. MEN!

Also, our follow-up with the RE is this week. We'll find out if IVF is viable for us, and I guess we'll see the game plan. If there's no more bad news about male factor, we will start the next IVF within 4-8 weeks. But I'm cautious about my thinking regarding that, since for all I know, DH's spermies are shot to he!!.

I guess I'll start Provera again, too, since I'm on CD26, or something of the sort, and no ovulation in sight (not that it matters, anyway, but still).

_____________________________________________________________________________________

On another note, I was so sad to learn of Paul Harvey's passing. His storytelling skills were inimitable. I used to work at a few radio stations, and we always aired his segments - I always dropped what I was doing so I could listen.

I especially loved this reader's comment on the obituary printed by the CBC: "I remember one broadcast when Harvey, then about 50 years old, suggested that the USA should not send young men to Viet Nam, young men who had their adult lives ahead of them, and who were being wasted in a wasteful war. Send people my age, send me, he said. I can hold a rifle with a bayonet, he said. Send me."

Good day to you, Mr. Harvey, and godspeed!

update

Ok, I've had basically no internet access for the last 10 days, since I was back home, where I know many people who don't even know what internet is. Literally. It was great to see family and friends again, but I'm exhausted from driving around and visiting.

Did tell my parents about the m/c, failed cycles, IVF, etc. Wish I hadn't. They did not know how to respond, and ended up changing the subject. I guess miscarriages don't count as real children? Or my parents just didn't know how to handle that kind of news? I don't know. Maybe I'll write more about it later. I don't want to get myself down right now, since I'm in a decent mood.

Update on the shaking situation. I still haven't gotten the blood panel done, since I'm in the U.S. right now for a conference presentation. But I drank a bunch of milk and Gatorade (not at the same time), ate meat and bananas (also not at the same time), and got some sunshine. And now all the shakes are gone, even my nighttime ones. So it seems that I was low on some vitamins and minerals, though I don't know which ones. V.v. strange, considering that I'm one of the healthiest eaters around! I'm still going to get the blood tests done, just in case. Thanks so much for all the notes of concern! I was really scared there for a while, especially since my mom's youngest sister was just diagnosed with MS.

DH is back at our apartment. He's got his s/a and the BIG test tomorrow: the DNA fragmentation test. We will find out for once and for all what's going on, I hope.

Talk later!

body is going crazy

Oh, I am not good. I had to go to emergency because my muscle tremors are out of control. Muscles are jerking all over my body every 10-20 seconds, and it's freaking me out. Plus it's stealing the little bit of sleep I do get: I kept waking up because my neck was jerking around. It's really scary.

So the doctor ordered a blood panel - she thinks I'm low on B12 or iron or something - and if that comes back normal, she'll refer me to a neurologist. She doesn't think it's related to my whiplash injuries, but who knows? I'm scared. :(

And the thing is that I fly out early tomorrow morning, so I can't get the blood test done until March.

I guess if it gets worse when I'm on my trip, I'll go to a walk-in. And if something happens when I'm in the U.S. later on this month, I do have a double set of travel insurance.

Deep breathhhhhhh.....

And I have a bad cold.

Ok, must go to bed. Have a long day tomorrow. But I get to see one of my dearest friends and her parents - the first time since September. So that will be very good.

ETA: It's 2 a.m., must get up at 6 to catch flight, but can't sleep. Muscles are pulsating everywhere. I don't understand what's going on. It doesn't hurt (my back and neck always hurt, but that's beside the point for now). It's just disruptive.

Yeah, I couldn't stay away... lol

I wrote a little essay in response to this crap opinion piece on Nadya Suleman: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/la-oe-rutten11-2009feb11,1,6312240.column

In response to Tim Rutten, L.A. Times:

As a somewhat subfertile woman married to an infertile man, I wonder why fertiles preach to infertiles about our moral mandate to adopt all the orphaned children of the world. Because apparently it is OUR job to take care of the orphaned, and we are "narcissistic" for wanting to have biological children (for a reading on the historical imperative for this idea, check out historical research on motherhood and infertility by Margaret Marsh).

It does not matter to fertiles that many infertile women want to be a part of the cult of motherhood. We watch people like you celebrate 'natural' motherhood while denigrating us for merely wanting to be a part of it: a club that is everywhere, always, and from which we can't escape viewing dejectedly from the sidelines.

If adoption is so important, then why don't fertile people adopt, rather than spreading their own ignorant DNA? When a fertile person tells me that I am selfish, I stop listening unless that person has adopted a child, and therefore know of what she/he speaks. Guess how often I've come across someone who has adopted rather than give birth? Not once. So who is the narcissistic one, again?

Adoption is not the easy fix that fertile people believe. Infertility involves losses that adoption can't address (e.g., pregnancy, birth, ‘Daddy’s eyes, Mommy’s nose,’ induction into 'motherhood'). Adoption doesn't 'solve' infertility, nor should it be expected to do so. Adopted children should never have to feel as though they were a second choice.

And adoption is never a guarantee of a child. Adoption is heinously expensive, takes years and years to process, involves massive invasions of privacy - and at the end is no promise of a baby. Things go wrong, birthmoms change their minds, $ runs out, countries shut down adoption programs. Adoption is for rich people. That is, unless you're willing to accept a severely handicapped child into your home, or a set of siblings. How willing would YOU be to adopt a child who will never walk or talk? Probably not, so it's easier for you to foist this responsibility onto infertile people, and then blame us for shirking our duties.

I would love to adopt, but I am wary about so many aspects of it. For instance, how will I know that my child wasn’t abducted and sold on the black market? As a white woman, how will I address the cultural and racial losses of a child who is from a different background, since it’s unlikely that I would find a white infant? (Is love enough to make up for all those losses? I think that’s a valid question.) Will I resent an adopted child for not looking like me? Will my family accept a non-biological child?

Besides, where are all the millions of babies and children to whom you allude in this article? Did you do any research on this topic before making sweeping generalizations? Because there aren't that many available kids. And by the way, do you know how many of these 'millions' of children have been obtained through illegal means? I can provide a reference, if you’re interested.

I am not defending Nadya Suleman. The infertile community is as outraged by her actions as everyone else. She is giving us all a bad name: that we’re all crazy for turning to reproductive technologies to attempt to do what everyone else accomplishes for free – and whenever they want, as often as they want - in the privacy of their homes.

And besides, we fear that the actions of her unethical doctor will mean ramifications for the rest of us; e.g., government mandates for numbers of transferred embryos, when that should be left to a patient, her partner, and a responsible specialist to decide. For everyone is different. I am scared that Nadya's actions will mean bad things for my own medical efforts to conceive. I have bad embryos, for instance. My chances will be drastically reduced if the government tells me that I’m limited to transferring only one embryo.

It would have been great if you could have written something original on this topic. We infertile people have ALL heard the 'just adopt' maxim: that makes it hard for us to take people like you seriously. I can't believe that I spent 30 minutes typing a response to you.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night

Adieu, adieu, to yu and yu and yu!

I'm flying back home on Friday, and then to New Mexico, so I won't be around much until March. Maybe off and on. My parental units can't get high-speed internet on their country bumpkin yard yet - where I'll be laying my weary head - so that's why.

But don't worry, I'll return with a whiny vengeance in March, when we hopefully start strategizing for the next IVF round, so I'll save up all my pearls of wisdom until then! (And believe me, with PCOS, I always have pearls in abundance!)

a womb of one's own (ha ha, fellow english lit majors had better appreciate my little joke!)

Well, I received a compliment today. Apparently I have a 'beautiful' uterus and tubes. The RE's associate told me so. *Blush*

Anyway, the SHG and full-bladder ultrasound are done. Do not know why I needed these things, since I've had an HSG and 5 million ultrasounds before, but this new RE is just being thorough, and I don't mind that one bit.

Now I'm crampy.

So I walked around rain-soaked Toronto all afternoon, looking for Neutrogena concealer, but do you think I could find any? No. This is the story of my life. But I poked around a bunch of shops, dreaming of how I'd update my wardrobe if I didn't have to save for IVF.

SHG and diet

Getting my SHG done tomorrow. Hurray. Here's how you know the IF-treatment romance is over: I didn't shave my legs or trim my naughty bits. It never crossed my mind, nor do I care. hahaha

Whole body hurts. Am worried about these tremors all over my body; they're not visible, and not enough to stop me from doing daily tasks, but they're frequent and annoying. DH wants me to go to the doctor, but I don't know where I'm going to find a gp. I feel as though I'm 62 years old, in both mind and body.

DH started the heavy-dose antioxidant therapy yesterday. I think the product is from Coast Reproductive Male Fertility, or something like that. So expensive - $90 per month. Lots of folic acid, vitamin C, selenium, glutathione, relora, co-q10, etc. So it's 4 of those pills every day (plus the pycnogenol). A fellow patient at my clinic says that the supplement did make a difference in her partner's s/a, so that's good. Doesn't mean that I think anything will happen in our case, but if anything did, I'd fall over in shock and awed joy, of course.

If you knew us in real life, you'd be shocked at DH's lifestyle changes. He's lost 40 pounds in the last year or so, he plays hockey and golf, and he eats so much healthier - and he likes it! Former Mr Potato Chips eats very little junk now, complains all over the place if he doesn't get two extra-large salads every day, and says now he prefers our food to restaurants. If we do eat junk like McDonald's, he grumbles later about not feeling good. So ladies, there is hope for guys!

And eating healthy doesn't mean tasteless food. Far from it, actually. I made salads and pizza today, and it was delish. Tasty crisp whole grain crusts (whole wheat flour and ground flaxseed) and homemade sauce. One pizza was Greek, so I used roast beef slices, feta cheese, tomato slices, green peppers, olives, and purple onions, plus a drizzle of Greek salad dressing. The other was Italian-ish, so I used proscuitto (sp?), provolone, and mushrooms, plus Italian seasonings. Easy on the cheese and heavy on the veggies. So friggin good, and it'll last for 3 dinners.

Oh, my omega-3 update. We're eating more salad dressings that are hemp- and canola-based. We're adding more flaxseed to salads and cereals. And when we fly back home later this week, I'll pick up hemp seed for a more reasonable price than I'll find out here. If you've never eaten hemp seed, you should try it. Tastes so good - fresh and nutty - and it's ridiculously nutritious: full of essential fatty acids and amino acids - I think it forms a complete protein. Lots of vitamins and minerals, too.

Alas, I am having no luck on kicking the caffeine addiction, guys. I cannot kick my one-cappuccino-per-day habit. I think I need an intervention. Or am I allowed to keep this one vice?

in today's globe & mail: uterine biopsy

First the biopsy, then the baby

A common medical procedure may be the key to helping couples who've had no luck with artificial insemination and IVF

Article Comments (1) TRALEE PEARCE

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

February 10, 2009 at 8:47 AM EST

Could a common uterine biopsy make pregnancy "stick" for women having trouble conceiving? A small but growing number of couples are embracing an unusual use of biopsies during infertility treatments in the belief that they may help increase the chances of a successful pregnancy.

In a handful of small studies, biopsies of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus, which are usually performed as a diagnostic tool to sample tissue and test for infections, disease or other problems, have been found to boost the pregnancy rates of women who had tried in-vitro fertilization and failed to become pregnant.

One Toronto couple credits the procedure with the first successful pregnancy in 10 years of trying. After 11 artificial inseminations and two IVFs proved fruitless, Roslyn and Howard Kaman had experienced the gamut of failure, from miscarriages to ectopic pregnancies. They had opted to try adoption when they read an article about a lecture at Toronto's Weizmann Science Canada by an Israeli researcher, Nava Dekel.

In 2003, Dr. Dekel found that 45 women who had undergone a uterine biopsy during the menstrual cycle before undergoing IVF had almost twice the rate of pregnancies and births compared with a control group of 89 women. In 27.7 per cent of the women in the biopsy group, the embryo transfer was successful.


Enlarge Image
Howard and Roslyn Kaman with their three-month-old daughter Hannah. Ms. Kaman became pregnant after convincing a Toronto fertility specialist to take a biopsy of her uterus. (JENNIFER ROBERTS)

The IVF worked for just 14.2 per cent of the control group.

The Kamans wrote to Dr. Dekel, and she connected them with the fertility clinic in Israel that had performed the procedures. Doctors there sent the couple a detailed protocol, which involved three separate biopsies on particular days in the cycle just before an IVF treatment. The Kamans' Toronto fertility specialist, Fay Weisberg, agreed to try it.

Ms. Kaman became pregnant on the first IVF cycle after the procedure and baby Hannah is now three months old.

"I still can't believe it. I think I will go through my whole life and not believe we were successful," says Ms. Kaman, 41.

While broader research is being conducted to confirm the role these biopsies may be playing, anecdotal evidence is starting to mount suggesting that the disruption of the uterus somehow leads to the successful implantation of an embryo. Some practitioners say they'll wait for randomized trial results before they start offering biopsies to IVF patients.

Togas Tulandi, a McGill University medical researcher, is hoping to figure out what role the biopsies might play, if any, in the successful pregnancies of women like Ms. Kaman. He is in the midst of conducting a large randomized study (he hasn't yet reached his goal of 162 participants) and says that if the biopsies are working, the mechanism may be akin to tilling the soil before you plant a tulip bulb.

"Maybe this slight injury to the endometrium makes the environment for implantation better," he says. "If we can prove that it works, we can do it routinely."

Since the procedure carries little risk, other than discomfort and a very small chance of infection or injury to the uterus, many fertility doctors are already incorporating it into their practices. While it is not listed on her menu of services at the First Steps Fertility clinic where she is medical partner, Dr. Weisberg says she now offers it to most of her patients who have failed to conceive with IVF and for most patients before they undergo a frozen embryo transfer.

"I suspect that it will probably soon be a routine for all patients undergoing IVF."

The only reason it's not routine is a paucity of large studies and the fact that it's painful and uncomfortable for most women, she says.

Although she can't unequivocally say whether the biopsies are effective - "the women end up being their own control" - Dr. Weisberg has a hunch that they work.

It could have something to do with increased blood flow, or the way in which the proteins in the uterus heal, she says. "I do believe something changes deep down."

And she's not worried about a stampede for the procedure on the part of desperate couples.

"Not to be cavalier, but this is a procedure already being done on younger women for bleeding of the uterus and other problems," she says. "It's easy, quick, but painful. There's no anesthetic. You can go right back to work."

Other specialists take a more cautious approach. Fertility expert Arthur Leader does not offer it to patients at the Ottawa Fertility Centre where he practises. Until a randomized study such as Dr. Tulandi's can prove that women undergoing these biopsies have a better chance of getting and staying pregnant, "the precautionary principle should apply," he says. "You shouldn't do it until a benefit has been shown."

He points out that there have been many other treatments, including low-dose Aspirin, a blood protein called albumin and a diabetes drug called metformin, that were believed to help women conceive and were routinely prescribed but which, after much study, proved either to do harm or have no effect. And, as far as Dr. Leader is concerned, "No good is harm."

For couples who end up with a healthy pregnancy after uterine biopsies, it's hard not to credit the procedure for their little bundles of joy. Still, Ms. Kaman says that even though she suspects the treatment did work, there may have been some luck involved. When she imagines trying for a second IVF baby, "part of me thinks lightning's not going to strike twice with us."

Anatomy of a biopsy

An endometrial biopsy is performed by inserting a suction catheter through the vagina and cervix, into the uterus. The end is pressed up against the uterine wall where it cuts away a small sample of the lining tissue.

Because of any number of factors, an embryo may not be able to attach itself to the cells that make up the lining of the uterus.

After the biopsy is taken, some researchers and fertility experts believe that the slight damage caused to the wall of the uterus makes it a better environment for implantation, whether because of increased blood flow, the healing process or some other factor.

SOURCE: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090210.wlfertility10/BNStory/lifeFamily/home

Have nothing to say, really, but here I am. Am behind in all correspondence again. Blah. No energy, and have these weird tremors in my limbs.

Going back home on Friday for a few weeks, and am not really looking forward to it. Not that I don't want to see my family and friends - of course I do - but it's so much energy to smile all the time. Have finally gotten myself back on track with my work, and so I'm sorry to take the time off right now. Just wanna get done with it all.

Maybe I should run to Timmie's for a muffin and some tea. It's kinda late, but that would be a nice treat to enjoy while watching Stewart and Colbert. I deserve all the treats I can get, right?

this weekend

Had a wonderful time in Toronto. My prof rented the condo's beautiful guest suite for me, and we worked together with another student on our conference presentation, drank wine, went to see The Reader (excellent movie), and took in an exhibition (Andre Kertesz's 'On Reading'), and visited a few other galleries.

I found a really cool quilted black skirt, with white embroidery, that I'm going to wear to the wedding (for $40); I've got a hot pink embroidered corset to go with it, and a cardigan with intricate folds down the front, plus tights and boots. So all I need to pick up is a few necklaces and bracelets. And I need to get my hair cut and coloured. If you're on my FB, I'll post pics after the wedding is over. I felt really good for a few days, since I could concentrate on my work and enjoy my interests in arts and culture.

Speaking of the devil, then I came home, and first thing I did was find out - via Facebook, of course - that one of Steve's buddies from work is going to be a dad. We've become good friends with him and his wife, and they were also 'infertile.' Apparently not so. I doubt that medical intervention was involved, since they live in a remote area now. Just one of those miracles that seem to happen to everyone IRL except me. So she wrote on my wall about her coffee aversions and lack of scrubs to wear to work. :( I like her a lot, but this is so hard. So DH and I just drove around aimlessly for hours.

Gah. I used to be a (relatively) happy person. I used to be happy for other people who'd gotten good news. Am I destined to be a sour and lonely old lady?

Am thinking that I need to phone my parents to say that if my brother and SIL are expecting, that they should tell me ASAP. I want to know right away, just in case SIL is planning to surprise me, so that I can prepare myself. It's gotta happen sooner or later. She's 30, and her sister already has 2 kids, so she can't be far behind.

going shopping

Thank you, friends, for everything.

Sorry for the brevity of this note, but I'm off to Toronto for the weekend on a much-needed break (my professor has rented a guest suite for me so that we can get work done on a joint presentation). Going shopping, too, even though I can't afford it. DH's bff is getting married in a few weeks, and it's one of those rare occasions that I can get dolled up, so I'm looking for something fancy! Gonna hit up the upscale consignment shops - yeah!

blaaaaaaaaaah

Things are still bad. DH will be late coming home today, and he picked a good day for it.

To top things off, my last principal, whom I adore, said to me today that she doesn't think she'll be able to find a position for me in September, since enrolment is dropping. I am so bummed about that. I'm supposed to try getting in to another school in the division, and then wait for a position to open up again at her school in the years to come.

Ok, other topic. I saw this in the newspaper today, and wondered what others think about it. A sixty-year-old woman in Canada has given birth to twins, and a medical ethicist has some strong comments about it. I am not sure what to think.

Ethicist says children's interests paramount when older mothers give birth
By: THE CANADIAN PRESS
1:10 PM

CALGARY - A medical ethicist says a child's best interests are the most important consideration when women use fertility treatments to become mothers long past natural child-bearing years.

Margaret Somerville of McGill University in Montreal says no one has the right to interfere in natural conception, but ethics are different when medical advances are involved.

Her comments came Thursday after a spokesperson for the Calgary Health Region confirmed a 60-year-old woman gave birth at a city hospital.

The health region wouldn't give details, but CBC Newsworld was reporting that the woman had twins after fertility treatments in India.

Somerville said a woman who is 60 probably wouldn't be allowed to adopt a child, and the considerations used to make that decision should also apply when an older mother wants to use special treatments to get pregnant.

She said the ethics are further complicated by the fact many older women are no longer producing eggs and so aren't even genetically related to the children they deliver.

The CBC said Ranjit Hayer's two boys were delivered seven weeks prematurely by caesarean section at Calgary's Foothills Hospital on Tuesday.

The mother was recovering in intensive care, while the twins were in neo-natal intensive care.
The CBC said one of the babies was breathing with the help of special equipment, but doctors said both boys were doing well.

The network quoted the woman's obstetrician, Colin Birch, as saying there are social and ethical considerations beyond the medical ones.

He said he can't imagine being 65 and having two five-year-olds running around.

panic - please avoid reading if you want to stay in a good mood

Panicking again. It kicks in every.single.night. after DH goes to bed. I am so effing unhappy. I am so sick of crying. And I won't fall asleep, so I've got a long night ahead.

I am so worried about money, trying to have a baby, my health, finishing my thesis. I'm embarrassed to be writing all this - I must sound like a freak for being so anxious, but I can't help it. I can't do anything to alleviate the anxiety except to take Ativan once in a while to fall asleep. But I don't have an unlimited supply, and it doesn't work if I use it regularly.That's probably a good thing, because I'd love to be on it every day. It calms me down and helps me doze off.

Money. I haven't been able to do R.A. work on a steady basis because of this TTC mess, so our income has dropped significantly again in the last year. Now, I have to pay extra tuition this term - just found out today - because I didn't get my thesis committee meeting in before the end of December, even though I'm done the proposal itself. So there's another $700. I'm really bitter about that, especially since I did not know that I was supposed to schedule a meeting; it's not listed as a requirement in our M.Ed. handbook. And I don't have the strength right now to argue about it.

DH is worried about his job because of the crashing economy. I've been putting out feelers about teaching jobs for the fall, and have heard nothing, which alarms me. If I land something back home, we'd have to move this summer, and it's unlikely that DH would find a job before the following spring. If we don't move, I won't have work here, either. (Not good for our finances or for my resume. And I don't need all that time on my hands.) And I am nervous about returning to teaching.

This is all funnelling into my fear that we will not be able to afford any more treatments; we are just getting by as it is. I already do not know how we are going to pay for an IVF in spring. We'd planned to take it out of retirement savings, but I don't think we're allowed to withdraw it from the kind of account we've put that money in.

And in the meantime, we've saved nothing for our retirement during the last 2 years, and we're not the proverbial spring chickens anymore. (I mean, DH is approaching middle age already. Where is the time going?) Everything extra has gone for either cycling or for travelling back home, and that's where it'll keep going, at least for another year.

We have money coming from income tax this spring, but much of that will have to pay off cycle and travel debt on my credit card. I'll have a final cheque from grad studies coming in June, so that will be nice; the one good thing in all this. Too bad it'll be wasted on paying for 1/3 of a possible IVF that probably won't work anyway. It would have been so great to put it into savings.

Thank goodness we only have to pay $200 for all these new diagnostic tests. I shudder to think what it would all cost if we lived elsewhere. But then again, if we'd lived elsewhere, it would never have taken so many years to get to the root of the problem, and I wouldn't have to panic about all of this!!!!!! Seriously, I love my country - it's a great place - but the healthcare in some provinces seriously sucks!

Baby crap. Yeah. Of course I will never ever have a child. Why would I ever be so lucky? Why would God, after all these years of silence, suddenly decide that now we're good enough to be parents? Is He
a) punishing us for some unknown sin?
b) testing us for some unknown reason?
c) thinking we'd be lousy parents?
d) planning on sending a kid when we least expect it?
e) just plain ignoring us?

WE DON'T KNOW! Nobody does!!! I am so effing tired of being patient!!! I have been very, very patient and understanding, and now I'm tired of it. I'm angry, and I think I have a right to be. What part of God's PLAN is so special that it includes screwing up every aspect of my life? And now DH and I have been those stereotypical 'backslidden' Christians, so we'll probably end up in hell, and I won't see my babies there, either. So there's another thing to be scared of. Although I can't imagine how hell could be much worse than what I'm going through now.

I'm terrified now, too, that if I ever do get pregnant, I'll have a miscarriage again, or a stillbirth. Hey, why not worry about it - it happens to other women. I know plenty of them. So why wouldn't God rain that travesty down on me, too? I don't know if I could endure that. Really and truly think I'd have a nervous breakdown. But I'll never get to that point, so why think about it. I'll live too far away from an IF clinic, and won't have the funds to pay for it, anyway.

So what to do for the rest of my life? A dark dense hole of meaningless nothingness.

Health. I am getting nervous that I have some kind of onset arthritis. I'm sore every day, even my arms and legs. I wonder if whiplash (I have a bad case of it) can lead to arthritis, or at least hasten its progress? It's weird that I'm sore everywhere. I've heard that depression can do that, but I resist that idea. I don't want to think of myself as depressed.

Thesis. I'm working hard again, but feel as though I'll never be done. Am I working enough hours every day? I have no idea how long it should be, when I've read enough stuff, when I've revised enough, etc. I have no clue when I will be finished. I'm hoping for July, at this point, but I don't know if that's realistic. I really do not know. Also don't know if my writing is 'original' enough.

And I have to take more than 2 weeks off this month to fly home (for DH's bff's wedding), so I lose all that work time, plus we have to ante up for all the travel costs. I think I'm going to put a moratorium on trips home. Too bad if someone gets married or gets sick. Unless it's our parents, I'm staying put until my work here is done. It just makes me too worried otherwise. I can't concentrate on anything if I'm behind in my work.

Maybe I should go to the doctor, as I've said before. Try some kind of anti-anxiety med. But I don't want to be on that leading up to a possible IVF. Plus, if we ever tried to adopt, I think that would make it difficult. My cousin's wife said to me at one point that she couldn't adopt because she has always been on anti-depressants, so she wasn't allowed. (Yeah, and people bitch and moan about how infertile people should 'just adopt' - little do they know how hard it is, even impossible for some people.)

I was on antidepressants when I was in my early twenties (could not get out of bed in the mornings and cared about nothing - it was horrible), and have stayed off since then. Maybe I should stop resisting, though. I mean, I have a strong family history of depression and anxiety, so it shouldn't be surprising that I'd feel this way after seven years of unwanted childlessness, thousands and thousands spent on failed cycles, and a miscarriage of dearly loved and wanted babies. I miss them; I think about them every single minute of every day. It shouldn't be surprising that I feel terrible.

So yeah. I don't know what to do about any of this. I should pray, I guess, but that doesn't give me any peace anymore, and reading the Bible just makes me friggin upset.

I am so weak. Less than adequate because I am paralyzed by anxiety, especially in the evenings. Does it make me a weak person? Less of a person? Worthless? That's how I feel. I am so scared.

I want to wake DH, to talk to him, but he needs his sleep - he gets up at 5:30 a.m. I don't know if I should talk to him about all this, anyway. Why make him all panicked, too? I've been putting on a happy face for the last month, since I've been so sad, it was scaring him. He said to me that he was afraid that he'd come home one day and I wouldn't be there anymore. So I've got my happy mask on, the goofy girl he used to know. Should I tell him it's not real?

I'm so lost, and hugely embarrassed to be posting this. If you've made it through the end of this depressing and repetitive post, my hat's off to you.

What can I do to make myself feel better? I've tried to be giving to others. I try to help other TTC'ing women on the web sites I'm on, I'm involved in community events, I help other teachers with professional development, I donate to charity, I try to be kind to the people around me, etc. Giving to other people often makes me feel better, since it moves the focus, you know? But it's not helping this time. Nothing is.

All of my normal pleasures are tainted. Can't sleep to escape it. Books and movies and TV- can't escape pregnancies, babies, happy families. If I write, it just turns out to be about this infertility crap and how miserable I feel, and though that does help, I'm peeved that my writing energy and ability always go out to that and not to anything new. I am a really good writer, and probably should be published more often than I am, but this infertility nonsense sucks it all away. I don't have energy to phone family or friends, and most of them don't know about any of this anyway. And they've all got kids. I'm so sore and tired - exercise doesn't rejuvenate me like it usually does. Can't go on SoulCysters, for reasons I've described ad nauseum. Can't post this on ivfconnections.com because it mentions cycling, and most of the vets are understandably very sensitive about that subject. Should e-mail my online TTC friends for help - seriously, you ladies are some of the best and truest friends I've got - but I am scared of dragging them down when they may in fact be having a good day for a change. And I can't drink - it'll just make me feel bad. I don't think we have any booze in the house, anyway. Can't even talk to other people about books and things - if women are involved, the talk always turns to "and then I had kids, so who has time to read then? Haha."

What is the point to all of this? I should've hit the half way in my pregnancy by now. This is so hard.

shopaholic

Am I the only one who wants to see Shopaholic? I love those books! Well, the fourth one wasn't the greatest, but that's ok.

It'll make a great chick flick, plus it stars the fabulous Isla Fisher (who played the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers and the sweetheart in Definitely, Maybe), so I hope it'll be a fun movie.

Must find someone to come with me. I don't mind seeing movies alone, but my solo flights get everyone else in a dither (i.e., "You went to see a movie by yourself? Why?")

omega 3

Am doing more research on Omega 3, and am impressed by our need for it, especially since it affects fertility-related things such as hormone production, blood clotting (it acts as a thinner), and DNA.

This is what I just read (it's research-based, with lots of journal references): http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=84

Apparently we need somewhere in the neighbourhood of 4 mg/day. Although I do get a lot of Omega 3 (through dietary sources), it's still not enough. Every day, I get about 1 mg through hemp seed in my cereal, another 1 mg in my salad dressing, and another bit through fish, green veg, and other sources. But I need more, and so does DH. So I guess I will add flaxseed to our diets - it tastes good, anyway - and I will try to include more salmon (meh) and even more green veg, like brussels sprouts (yuck).

So....recipes, anyone? I love fish, but dislike salmon, and I hate greens like brussels sprouts, collard greens, and kale. But I prefer food to supplements. Our bodies absorb nutrients better through food. Food=medicine.

Am wondering, too, if the increased intake of O-3 would help my chronic whiplash pain. Maybe it would help reduce inflammation? That would be wonderful.

ETA: I would eat this: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Alaskan-Salmon-Chowder/Detail.aspx

Diva cup!

That's it! I wonder why I was thinking 'Lunesse'? (I think Americans have something called The Keeper.)

Goody, I just looked it up, and a store within walking distance has them in stock. What did we ever do without the internet? Anyway, time for me to be environmental - I'm going to get one tomorrow.

May I preach to you all for a moment? Look at how much garbage we create with our menstrual products over the course of our lives (found this pic at http://www.keeper.com/photographs.html):

afffff TMI TMI TMI

Af is here, finally. At least the provera worked.

I went to the grocery store to pick up tampons, and they only had the teeny small kind! The size that 12-year-old girls wear because they're too scared that x-large ones will mean that they're not virgins anymore! Ok, I exaggerate. But really, come on. They'll fall out if I sneeze!

I fumed, and went looking for someone to complain to. (DH thinks this is hilarious, since I'm non-confrontational.) But it was clear to me that a MAN was doing the ordering for the female 'sanitary hygiene' department, and that he was engaging in a clear case of wish fulfillment. No woman would have ordered 100 different kinds of tiny tampons. Grrrrr.

I didn't find anyone. So I went home, sans sanitary supplies. I guess this is a sign that I should buy one of those ... oh, what are they called? Those reuseable rubber things. They're around $35 and they're supposed to last forever, plus they're environmentally friendly. I wonder where I can buy one? It'll be pretty tough if I can't remember the name!!! lol

thesis

Thanks for being so understanding, folks. Much appreciated.

My advisor says that she is delighted with my thesis, and that means a lot to me, since she knows of what she speaks.

Have I ever said what it is that I'm writing, exactly? I'm supposed to be writing a social sciences thesis, since I'm working on a master's degree in Education. So it should be boring, since most of that kind of writing is dull, in my opinion.

I decided I didn't want to do that. So I'm writing a memoir about my life in books. It's just as research-based as any other kind of thesis, but I'm involving a more interesting kind of arts-based narrative, using poetry, letters, lists, a medieval-style gloss, and anything else that suits the content. I guess it's more of a feminist style of writing.

My reproductive life, or lack thereof, also crops up from time to time, since it links to the reproductive practice of teaching children in schools, and it kinda stands in contrast to my productive life in writing. I don't really want to write about infertility, but I did two kick-ass graduate papers on the topic, and it's unavoidable, since I can't even escape from such words as 'conceived' when I write. Do you know what I mean? (See Bitter Milk by Madeleine Grumet for a profound and beautifully written book about teaching/mothering, production/reproduction, etc. - should be mandatory reading for women teachers).

It's challenging to blend academic writing with my creative work - it makes the process really convoluted and crazy - but I think I'm good at it, and I've received great training from the two universities I've attended for this degree. So somehow it's all coming together. I'm presenting part of it at an American conference in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to it.

worryyyyyyyy

It was a tough night. I ended up taking Ativan and Gravol to calm down before going to bed. Love Ativan, and wish I could take it every day, but it doesn't work if I take it more than 2 or 3 times/month. So it's for emergencies. Besides, I'm still on my stash from my doctor at home - she prescribed 60 pills as sleeping aids when I moved away 18 months ago, and I have 30 left - and I don't know how hard it will be to get more.

Besides blaming my anxiety on PCOS, I can also blame it on both 'nature' and 'nurture': my mom (and others in her family) have a history of anxiety and depression, and my strict cultural upbringing was enough to make any girl worried about everything. And on top of that, I think a lot of women suffer from anxiety, due to the way we're socialized, anyway, in a man's world. It's a lot to deal with.

I am severely far behind in the dealing with the bureaucracy of my thesis. I HAVE to have a committee meeting next week, but haven't sent my proposal out yet for them to look at. The aftermath of the miscarriage and the failed FET have just prevented me from doing much, especially dealing with paperwork and correspondence. So I have to get on top of that today.

ETA: I just got the proposal together - from all its bits and pieces - and sent it off. (It's 50 pages long, and that's just the first 3 chapters. Yikes.) At least that's one less thing to worry about today.

PCOS and stress

I'm miserable and lonely and stressed out, so I'm hanging out here.

Found this in my e-mail, and thought I'd pass it on to all other 'cysters' out there: http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/news74.html#sec1 It's about the effects of stress on women with PCOS. (All I had to say was: It's NOT my fault for being stressed out and anxious about everything???)


PCOS Women Super-Sensitive to Stress

When's the last time your doctor asked you if you are under chronic stress? Or that it might have anything to do with your health?

Did you know that stress hormones may increase anxiety, excessive eating, weight gain, belly fat, infertility, miscarriage, ovarian cysts and a host of other health problems?

Chronic stress is a particular problem for women with PCOS because they appear to have an exaggerated response to stress, as shown in a recent study from the University of Duisburg-Essen in Germany. Thirty two women with PCOS and 32 non-PCOS women had to do a public speaking assignment. Biochemical markers showed the PCOS women had a more stressful experience. They also showed increased psychological stress compare to the other group.

The authors concluded: "The altered stress reactivity in PCOS patients may constitute a link between depression, overweight, and the cardiovascular and diabetes risks associated with the diagnosis."

In other words, it's more important for you than other people to find ways to reduce chronic stress, regardless of its source.

Even though stress is "invisible", it is real. Stress management is important even if your doctor ignores it. Successful stress management will definitely help you improve your PCOS situation.

Source: Benson S et al, Disturbed stress responses in women with polycystic ovary syndrome, Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2009 Jan 14. [Epub ahead of print]

V.v. grumpy, tired, sad, angry. Mad at life; think it's taking too long. Can't focus on anything. Am picking on my DH for laughs. I'm bad, I know. We made chicken wings (not fried, but so good) and pizza, and he's overeaten chicken, so now there's no room in his belly for pizza. Hardy har har. He looks disgruntled.

tiredddddd

Could NOT sleep last night. Got all anxious, and then it's goodbye to the zzzzzzzz's.

I'm worried that DH won't find work when we move, and then no more TTC. This is a very realistic concern, considering the global financial meltdown. Industries in our hometowns are already shrinking by significant numbers, and U.S. protectionism is going to hurt. DH is in trades, so this does not bode well for him.

And my salary is nothing to brag about. When I teach full-time, I take home less than $2000/month (Canadian dollars), and don't forget that the cost of living is higher here than in the U.S. So it's not enough for us both to live on, really, let alone pursue the babymaking race. Why am I a teacher? I don't know.

I'm going to a sleep disorder clinic for an evaluation, and I hope they can do something about the anxiety that always kicks in at bedtime. More than likely, though, they'll say that I have to go to a gp for treatment for that. And I can't find a gp - they're in heinously short supply - so then what? Maybe the sleep clinic can help me with the limb twitchiness, though; it always jars me awake as I'm drifting off.

I feel like a young old person.

Urgh, I'm grumpy.

facebook

This is why I hate Facebook.

I went on today - first time in a week or so - because I had some correspondence to catch up on ... and saw another pregnancy announcement. From a cousin who is much younger than I.

Insert cliche here: ____________ (e.g., Life is unfair.)

the last cup

A medium cappuccino (organic milk, fair-trade organic coffee beans), extra foam, dusted with chocolate powder (fair-trade organic). Yes, I'm a coffee snob. I've still got my nose shoved inside the empty mug, sniffing the fumes. You think I'm joking, but I'm not. If you cut me, I bleed espresso.

I failed to mention yesterday, as well, that I was going to give up booze until the next IVF is over. (Which isn't really a massive deal to me, but whatever.) I didn't say this to DH, though, and he came home this morning with bottles of French and Italian red wine. What a doll. So maybe we'll get verschnickered tonight, as a last hurrah. For dinner, we're going to make baked cod, buckwheat pasta with pesto, and a Greek salad. Yes, we're also food snobs. lol

I'm adding this picture for no good reason. I have it saved in my laptop, and it reminds me of a swirly glass of red wine.

coffee: is the world vibrating? or is it just me?

One more day of coffee. *Sniff* Then it's back to a caffeine-free existence. The espresso machine will be relegated to the back of our storage closet. It's all very sad. I blame my unborn children for this deprivation. My infertility-enforced self-flagellation. lol

P.S. Thanks, WiseGuy, for the funny reminder on your blog - the squashing of your own vices made me remember that I've gotta give up my own. I sigh in resignation. ;)

more about the octuplet case

Did you all hear that that mother of octuplets already has six other children? I haven't seen any mention of father or fathers, of course, since everyone (including the media) likes to blame mothers for everything. But woooooow. Six other kids. I'm not blaming her for obviously wanting a large family (except that is harsh on the environment). But man. Wow.

And I just read today that one of the grandparents confirmed that the woman had used IVF for the octuplets! Whaaaaaat?

I hate this story so much, honestly. As I wrote yesterday, it's feeding public misconceptions about infertility and assisted reproductive technologies...on so many levels. Including the following notions:

- All 'infertility' is repairable.
-Infertility is always the woman's fault.
-First you do Clomid, which will give you high-order multiples. If Clomid doesn't work, you move on to IVF, which will give you even higher-order multiples, since your RE will 'implant' 12 'eggs.'
-Related to above point, in case you didn't get it already: All women who do ART have high-order multiples.
-All women want high-order multiples.
-All infertility doctors want their patients to have high-order multiples.
-All said high-order multiples are premature but healthy.
-Cost? What cost? None of this costs that much. I mean, if you want/need ART, it's just something you go and do. And so what if you end up with a litter? The hospital will take care of them, and that doesn't cost much.
-Everybody lives happily ever after, mommy stays home and breastfeeds the litter, daddy goes to work, and everyone's in their rightful and correct and appropriate place. (And welfare hasn't been tapped yet, but wait until the kids start on solids...)

technical issues

Ok, I don't know what's going on with my blog. Two of my reader-friends comment on here regularly, but when I try to publish them, their comments disappear. So if you're commenting to me here and thinking I'm ignoring you because your words aren't showing up, it's because of a technical glitch. I'm sad that these comments vanish! :(

Wiseguy: Thanks for the photo advice. I didn't realize that I had deleted the pic from my laptop, so that's why it disappeared.

further to my last post

Ok, I did it. I revised my previous post and sent it to The View.

One thing I added was the following paragraph to close the letter:

The misconceptions about ART which I’ve described here are common. They happen constantly on television. (I see it all the time, and it makes me cringe, as I am a long-time patient of various infertility clinics, and have yet to score a lasting pregnancy.) It would be wonderful if The View would be the first TV show to dedicate on-air time to correct these misconceptions. To talk about infertility and ART correctly and sensitively, in concert with real infertility patients and doctors. With 1 out of 6 couples experiencing infertility at some point in their lives, it is indeed a ‘hot topic.’

misconceptions about ivf

In the spirit of my blog's title, (Mis)conceptions, I want to discuss a few skewed public perceptions about IVF.

What provoked this diatribe, you might ask? The TV show called The View. I have it on in the background while I'm working on my thesis, partly because I like Whoopi Goldberg, partly because I think Joy is funny, and partly because I love to hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

First, Elisabeth pissed me off today because she announced her pregnancy. That set the stage. Especially when she commented later on how difficult it was for her to achieve pregnancy. Riiiight. She has said before that that's because her two other kids won't allow her to have enough 'alone time' with her husband. Boo hoo.

Then the women brought up the octuplets case in the U.S. I turned the sound up because I wanted to know how they were going to talk about infertility treatments. I thought: Of course IVF will get blamed for the 8 babies, since the public does not understand the difference between IUI and IVF, so the two are conflated. And then IVF becomes blamed for everything, including high-order multiples, when in fact injects/IUI are far more likely the cause.

First, Whoopi made the comment about the number of "eggs" that are "implanted" during IVF. Yo, Whoopi: Substitute "embryos" and "transferred," respectively. We infertile women HOPE for implantation after that.

I thought that Sherri Shephard (sp?) would correct Whoopi's terminology, since she's actually been through IVF. But no. Although I seem to recall that Sherri set everyone straight on how few embies are supposed to be transferred for IVF (except for exceptional situations), she talked about "implanted eggs," too. And then she commented on how Clomid is to blame for HOM (high-order multiples)! Not ONE mention of injectables/IUI!!!

Great. So now the viewing public will continue to believe that the only existing reproductive technologies are Clomid (through which all success stories will consist of HOM) and IVF (in which "eggs" are "implanted" in the woman's uterus).

And then Elisabeth, displaying a shocking lack of geographical knowledge, made a sweeping announcement that in Europe, only 1 embie is allowed per transfer. Ok, first of all, Europe is not a single country, honey. Second, the one-embryo rule is only true in SOME European countries, from what I understand. I think Germany only allows one, but I could be wrong on that. And I'm pretty sure the Czech Republic allows more than 1, but again, I could be incorrect.

Anyway, my point is that she should NOT be talking about things she doesn't know firsthand. She makes it sound as though she's had serious fertility problems, when in fact she has NOT, as evidenced by this third 'surprise' pregnancy. She doesn't know anything about ART, but pretends she does. And though she's not the only person to pretend like this - everyone's got opinions on ART, whether or not they've experienced infertility - she has no business propagating her incorrect views on television, thereby misinforming the public. Which makes things even harder for the infertile women and men who are going through treatments, and hoping and praying and crying for the best possible outcome.

(Should I send this post to The View?)

technical difficulties

Where is my little pic that's usually on the right-hand side of this page? Hm.....

Ok, I included a new one. But I don't like how my pics aren't centered in the column.

Off to try fixing that...

mf testing

Got the karyotyping done today - both DH's and mine - then had lunch with my wonderful advisor whom I adore (oh my gooooosh, she's so famous, but so friendly and unassuming), and then spent 4 hours in the Royal Ontario Museum. Trudged through snow all day, but it was enjoyable. If you're ever lucky enough to visit Toronto, the ROM is great fun. My favourite exhibit was on fashion and textiles - of course - and I stared for ages at an astonishingly detailed dress that was owned by Marie Antoinette.

And then got home and opened the mail. A requisition form for a scrotal ultrasound. Which could've been done today. Urrrrrrgh. So DH has to take another day off to go get that finished ASAP, since the urologist needs the results. Good thing DH gets paid medical leave. Anyway, I'm not complaining, since I'm so happy that we finally got our sought-after male factor testing, so inconvenience be damned. It's fine. I'm smiling.

I'm glad that DH has to get his privates examined. Hahahahahaha. Now he gets a taste of what I've been through. ;) I shouldn't gloat - he has been nothing but supportive of my 15 million TTC procedures. But I'll still bug him about it. :)

Started provera yesterday. Thank goodness for provera, honestly - it gives me some feeling of control over my post-IVF crazy ovary. I figured that I want 3 cycles under my belt before another IVF, so I'm keeping myself to 28-day cycles. Plus I need to get that SHG done before next month, since I'm away for most of it, and that has to be done between CD 5-10. So may as well git 'r' done.

5 addictions

One of my dear friends passed this along to me. Thanks, Britt (sorry, I didn't see it until just now)!

The rules are you must list 5 addictions and pass it along to 5 people.

In no particular order:

1. Trying to conceive. It's not a 'ha ha' funny addiction. The only reason I'm not down in the dumps right now is because I know I can do IVF again this spring. It's an expensive, exhausting, and heartbreaking obsession.

2. Being a nerd. I don't look like a nerd anymore, but I still am in my heart. My favourite pastimes are reading and writing. I will read anything, but prefer fiction, memoirs, and essays by women, as well as poetry. Some of my favourite books are: Angela's Ashes (by Frank McCourt), The Good Earth (by Pearl S. Buck), Bitter Milk (by Madeleine Grumet), questions i asked my mother (by di brandt), and When Alice Lay Down with Peter (by Margaret Sweatman). And I love to write: my thesis, blogs, letters, poetry, essays, memoirs, fragments, anything.

3. Shopping for clothes and accessories. Oh yes. I am fond of beautiful clothing and jewelry. It takes me three hours to get out of Macy's (we don't have that store in Canada). I like Calvin Klein, BCBG, Free People, kensie, Le Chateau, etc. All the expensive stuff. If I had the moola, I'd be into Jean Paul Gaultier, Vivienne Westwood, Prada, and D&G. I settle for the consignment shops on Queen's Street West in Toronto. Sadly, due to how much money goes to doctors, I don't indulge this obsession much anymore.

4. Food. I love small independent restaurants, especially ones that have food from different countries: Ethiopian, Vietnamese, Indonesian, Thai, French, Italian, Mexican, Indian, etc, etc. Not much I don't like, except for the food from my own culture. lol Our food is boooooring. Fried everything, especially pork products and white carbs. (Grrrrreat food to grow up on, especially if you have PCOS. Mm hm.)

5. Watching good television, since I'm not into movies, really. My favourite shows are ones with a social bite, like Titus, The Colbert Report, All in the Family, and M*A*S*H.

Now I have to find people to pass this on to...

jealousy

Did you all hear about the American lady who just gave birth to octuplets? (I saw it on a TV news broadcast, and when the anchor said, "She was more than likely using fertility drugs," I said, "No shit, Sherlock.") Anyway, I am jealous!!! How come she gets EIGHT and I can't even have ONE!!!???

Jealousy is such a strange feeling for me. I am not a jealous person, and never have been. When I was a child - in my overprescriptive, hyper-conservative, panopticon-style community - we were warned regularly not to be envious of our 'neighbours,' and I never understood this constant injunction, since I rarely felt that way. (Didn't make me a better person, necessarily - that's just the way I am.)

During my first 5 or 6 years of trying to conceive a baby, I was hardly ever envious of other people's pregnancies and children; not even on chat sites like SoulCysters, when everyone would eventually get knocked up except for me and usually 1 or 2 other women. I was happy for the newly pregnant women. (I must add that it's uncouth in most online infertility forums to admit feelings of 'coveting-what-thy-neighbour-has,' anyway, since all female infertiles are supposed to be one big happy 'family.' That's an illusion, but it takes vet status to realize that things aren't what they seemed.)

Around a year ago, though, I started to feel wistful about pregnancy announcements, and it took me a few days to come around to feeling happy for expectant moms. But I'd get there.

Then, after my post-IVF miscarriage in early October, I realized that I could not feel glad for any pregnant women (unless they had been through similar circumstances that I've had - years and years of heartache). I am so jealous I can hardly stand it. It's a new feeling for me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. (This is partly how I realized that I had achieved vet status, unfortunately.) My feelings will be a problem when we fly home next month, since I'll be inundated with babies and toddlers who look like my DH, and no graceful way to bow out of holding them and playing with them. I'm thinking that we'll have to start telling people about what's truly been going on with us.

Anyway, I am off to TO tomorrow for more bloodwork, and for a lunch meeting with my thesis advisor. And I started Provera today, since I'm on CD22 and have had no ovulation signs yet. I'm scared that the IVF has permanently screwed up my one semi-functional ovary.

duggar family

I am fascinated by the Duggars on that TV show, 18 Kids and Counting. Part of their life seems so foreign to me, and yet part of it is very familiar, since I grew up in a similar ultra-conservative community. For me, watching their show is like pulling on an old favourite coat. Even though the piece is out of style, and maybe a bit threadbare, it's comforting to feel your body enclosed by it again.

Today I watched the wedding special - the eldest son got married - and felt so sad, though, for the first time. It reminded me of my lost history that has yet to be written. Not only do I have to grieve the loss of children, but I have to grieve not being the mother of the bride. I have to grieve not helping my son pull his sh!t together before his wedding day. I have to grieve the loss of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It's a whole future that seems, and probably is, unattainable for us.

Usually I watch those crazy ton-of-kids shows (like the Duggars and Jon + Kate) with the proverbial grain of salt. I never envied their lives, as I knew having that many children would be a recipe for mania in our lives. But now ... well ... I do kinda wish we could have that. Somehow we would make it work.

I'm kinda lonely tonight. I usually enjoy my own company - I'm a pretty introverted person - but today I'd like to have a face-to-face conversation with other people. DH is here, but he's in bed already. I wish that all of the fabulous women (and men, too!) reading this could come over. I've got homemade organic hamburger/vegetable soup, cheese bread, Greek salad, and rum. You're more than welcome to drop by. :)

appointments

So DH's appointments are starting to trickle in.

We're going back to TO this week for karyotyping. Semen culture, routine s/a, and the DNA integrity assay are arranged for late February. Just waiting to hear from the urologist for the rest of the tests. I'm guessing that that will be at the end of Feb, too.

(I also have to go in during my next af for a sonohysterogram. Since I seem to be on yet another never-ending cycle, since the IVF traumatized my lone working ovary, I guess I'll have to induce af at some point and then get that SHG done, so that Hannam gets the results sooner rather than later.)

And then our follow-up with Hannam is in the beginning of March. I hope all the test results are in at that point. And then we'll have a better idea of what to do. Wow, we could be starting IVF again in March/April. It's not really that far away.

In the meantime, DH wants to do the expensive vitamin regimen. And he has lost a lot of weight. Since we moved here around a year and a half ago, he's lost over 30 lbs. I wish I could lose weight so easily. lol Of course, we had the alcohol battle again last night, since we were out with his colleagues/fellow hockey players. *Rolls eyes*

And as for me, I'm going to cut the caffeine (starting, um, next week - lol), as well as alcohol (I'm not a big drinker, though), and continue with the organic diet and 5x/week exercise program. Throw some yoga in here and there. Think I'll cut down on the carbs. I don't think I'll do acupuncture again, except for the pre- and post-transfer sessions (which my insurance will cover). It just all costs too much.

Speaking of which, we've gotta figure out where to take the funds from. Either our house-down-payment account or our retirement savings. Yuck. But we need that money just for half of the cycle - we can pay for the rest with our income tax refund and my final quarterly paycheque this summer.

$$$$$$$$$...............

update on RE appointment

Getting to downtown Toronto via train during morning rush hour was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. That was my #1 concern today. And the clinic is about a 15-minute walk from Union Station, which is a bonus. So monitoring - should we make it that far - won't be too terrible, except that I'll have to get up at 5 a.m. to be there on time. Blech. Am not a morning person. But I do love Toronto.

As for Dr Hannam, I was reservedly pleased. He was much more open and congenial than most doctors I've ever run across. We got 45 minutes to talk to him, and I felt that he would have stuck around as long as we needed. He took time to review our info before the appointment, which was much appreciated, as many Canadian infertility specialists don't, in my experience. And he was concerned that we understood what he was saying (in terms of the medical jargon - I did, but that's because I have a Google U Ph.D.; I don't know what DH knows, though). He also comes highly recommended by current patients on www.ivf.ca.

Hannam's impression, as we've already realized, was that my PCOS has deflected attention from the male factor. We'll never know what caused the mf, but he suspects DH's history of chemical exposure, since no one in his family has ever had mf issues (and yes, we know that for sure). And so he made his recommendations and referrals: semen culture, DNA integrity assay, y-microdeletion, scrotal ultrasound (or something like that - can't remember what it was called) and physical exam by the best urologist in the city, and a karyotype/chromosome analysis. This probably sounds obvious - of course some licensed idiot should order this stuff, considering what we've been through with unruly sperm - but our other clinics WOULD NOT order any of these things! Not even the physical exam! So I'm thrilled that DH is finally getting checked out, and we didn't have to beg. The only test we have to pay for is the DNA test, which is $200 - big deal. And I'm so excited that there's virtually no wait for the urologist - where we're originally from, I bet $100 that we'd be on a year-long waiting list, at least.

Hannam also recommended ramping up DH's antioxidants, so I guess I wasted my money on those Puritan's Pride products. What we need to buy is going to cost around $90/month. Oh well. We got a month's worth of hyper-antioxidants for free from the clinic. And really, we just need to purchase 2 months' worth extra - either from the clinic or direct from the manufacturer - since DH only needs to take them for the 3 months leading up to the egg retrieval. (Ugh, I cringed at typing 'egg retrieval' - I can't believe I have to go through that again. It was so painful - they ended up having to put me out for it. And I was horrendously constipated for 3 days afterward. Yuck.)

I'm also getting the following tests: sonohysterogram, y-microdeletion, and karyotype/chromosome analysis, as well as the standard bloodwork (e.g., thyroid).

Incidentally, I also liked the fact that Hannam believed me when I said that I controlled my PCOS on my own, with diet and exercise, and he was excited about it. (Doctors, for whatever dumb reason, rarely believe me when I say that I did it without drugs, even though I can prove it with my medical records.) I also said that I would not do Metformin or Glumetza ever again, and he did not argue with me, as my previous doctors have done.

The cycling cost won't be quite as bad as I'd feared. The $11,000 I was quoted on-line (by other patients at www.ivf.ca) covers IVF, ICSI, and AH, plus embryo freezing and storage. And I can get the drugs at Glen Shields, which should save me a small bundle. So we'll spend around $3000 more than the last time. But my gut says we've done the right thing, and I always go with my gut. Yes, it's still going to cost a lot more than it did at our previous clinic. $3000 is a lot of money for us. When I'm teaching full-time, that's how much I take home in 6 weeks. But I reason that it will all come out the same in the end, since Hannam's success rate is almost 20% higher than any other clinic around here. So it's ok. Right?

He said that, if we decided to become his patients, considering the timeline we laid out for him, we need to get a cycle going this spring, after the test results come in (hoping, of course, that none of them is too bad). He's talking March. I groaned, since that means my beta will happen just before the time I'm prepping for my thesis defense. He looked concerned about those two things happening simultaneously, but we all agreed there wasn't much else we could do. He sounded guardedly optimistic about the potential IVF outcome, since I did get pregnant last time, and it is possible that that miscarriage could have been a fluke, since many pregnancies do end that way, especially for first-timers.

Anyway. Yikes. March is not far away. I'm thinking that April is more realistic, since we need to gather the results of all our tests, first, and those things always take longer than expected. I am not proceeding until we get the result of the DNA test.

Now, to deal with the professor I've been avoiding. *Sigh* Seems that seeing her on Monday will be unavoidable, as I have a meeting in her vicinity. She really upsets me -our personalities just don't click - and I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I would never tell her about the infertility stuff - although it might help her realize that she needs to back off from nagging me about working for her, and finishing the paper we started writing together - because she (think ultra-prim Victorian poster child here) can't handle that information. It would embarrass her so much, and I'm trying to protect her from that, as I'd feel terrible. And then, despite her discomfort with the topic, she'd bring it up all the time and ask me pointedly, with a cocked head and an exaggerated look of concern, "How are you doing, really? ... Ok, are you sure? ... When should we meet about the paper? ... "

the day

Got a good workday in. Yay. You all must think I'm terribly lazy, to have to make a strict schedule like this, but I'm not, really. I usually work almost all the time, including weekends (y'know, Protestant work ethic and all that). Stuff's just been so different lately.

Still didn't sleep last night, but I'd better tonight, since I have to get up before 6 to make it to Toronto on time for the consultation with the new RE. Blech. At least we can go run around after that. I was thinking about going to the Bata Shoe Museum, and finding some Thai food for lunch. DH likes museums, and Thai is his favourite, so that shouldn't be a hard sell.

I am being very good so far!

I've stuck to my schedule! Hurray for me! Ok, back to work!

Accountability

Normally I hate that word - accountability (since it smacks of losing my professional status as a teacher, as some nitwit politicians think that they can dictate to educators how to dispense the curriculum) - but I'm going to use it right now to keep myself honest.

I tried v.v. hard to prime myself for a more restful evening, and to treat my body and mind gently, as gently as I'd treat a friend who told me how much she was suffering because of infertility. The goal here is to consider myself my own friend, and since I'm a caretaker (by nature and by nurture), that means that I must be very good to myself. And I'm not being selfish by doing this, since it's for a friend, right?

1) I'm writing here. That's good.

2) I worked v.v. hard today on my thesis, and was pleasantly surprised to realize that my methodology/method chapter is nearly finished, and that it's actually pretty good. Yay for me. Also, I spoke to my advisor on the phone (and she did not insist that I call aforementioned annoying professor - whew!); she's a wonderful person, so we had a nice chat.

3) I watched the inauguration, and that lifted my spirits. I loved seeing the Rosa Parks bus follow the Obamas as they walked the last stretch to the White House - that was lovely. Was sad to see Michelle Obama's rather matronly day outfit.

4) I read yesterday in a book by a sleep expert (Can't Sleep, Can't Stay Awake, by Meir Kryger) that caffeine takes up to 12 hours to leave a woman's body. I lovelovelove my daily cup of coffee or cappuccino, and usually have it around noon. That means that there could still be caffeine in my body when I'm trying to fall asleep. So today I had coffee before 10:00, instead.

5) I worked out for 45 minutes, plus did my stretches.

6) I will shut my laptop down at 11. So that I will not get myself upset on Facebook (haven't been on FB for 3 or 4 days now), or on infertility web sites, or on any other kind of site that I know has bad triggers for me. I will find something calm to watch on TV until I get sleepy. So that means that Colbert and Stewart will have to wait until tomorrow for my rapt attention.

7) I ate 10 servings of fruits/veg, plus no junk food (I don't eat much of that, anyway). We're still on our organic kick, so that's good. And I remembered to take all of my vitamins.

Now.

The plan for tomorrow:

-Care about what time I get out of bed in the morning.
-Do hair and makeup, get dressed, etc.
-Go get coffee, bring it back to apartment to consume with my breakfast. This must happen by 10, at the latest. (Yeah, yeah, I'm a late riser. It takes 2 hours, usually, for me to fall asleep, and I need at least 8 hours. My sleep cycle is all messed.)
-Work on thesis from 10-12. I will read an article saved on my desktop, and incorporate it into the methodology. Then I will read 3 articles on memoir, and start using them in the method section. This must get done tomorrow.
-One hour of correspondence, book transfers, and other bureaucratic work; don't forget to eat lunch.
-Work on thesis for another 2 hours. Maybe continue reading Bitter Milk.
-Go to gym from 3:30-4:30, come back to shower, etc.
-Make dinner, then eat.
-Alternate an hour of work with an hour of TV or other nonsense (whatever DH wants).
-Shut laptop down no later than 11 p.m.

Sorry to bore you with the deets of my mundane life. lol

my funny dh

Ok.

Dh, much to my surprise, did not freak out at the cost of our next IVF cycle. Here is his reasoning. He thinks that the New World Order is coming in 2012, and that Obama is going to be the leader of it (don't ask me why he thinks this, since he is an Obama supporter). And that that's when the world will end. Therefore, we should spend all of our money now. So he doesn't care if we blow $14000 on our next round.

Um, okaaaaay. He's also not sure that people ever landed on the moon. So I'll take the money and run. :)

And why am I so attached to his genes, you're probably asking yourself right now? Well, I do really love him. Hahahahaha. No really, I do.

worries

And so no, I did not sleep, and did not catch up this morning, either, since I was worried that I would miss the inauguration stuff on TV. lol I'm very obsessed with African American history/culture/literature - have been since I was a little critter - and so I must see this event on TV. I was so excited that Obama was elected.

Anyway, my advisor wants me to call her this morning. Urgh. I have a phone-phobia, first off (don't ask me why - I don't know - I just prefer talking to people in person). Second, part of her message has something to do with my difficult professor I used to work for. My advisor really wanted her on my committee, and I kept side-stepping that idea, and found someone else who was more suitable (in terms of both temperament and research interests). The prof has Asperger syndrome, or something like it, and is impossible to work with (needs control of everything, is the passivest-aggressive person I've ever met, has a a hard time reading social cues, needs things repeated ad nauseum, asks me repeatedly to do work that I've already completed, expects me to read her mind, etc.). She can't keep any research assistants. But she is very, very nice. I am worried that my advisor wants me to phone this lady - I know I'd get suckered into working for her again, and I'd hate it. Our work styles just don't complement each other, since I am also meticulous about my work, and I don't need to be baby-sat in order to do a good job. (I do work well in a team, but only when my peeps and I have a mutual understanding that no one can be the controller: we have to work together. I'm ok with that, and enjoy it, actually.) Siiiiigh. More things to worry about.

I'm an anxious person, in case you couldn't tell. Partly due to nature, partly due to nurture. This TTC garbage doesn't help, either.

Speaking of which, I e-mailed the nurse at Hannam to ask about the atrocious prices. She says they're priced higher because: a) it's a private clinic, and b) it's success rates are much higher than average. So now what should I think? Their posted IVF success rate (meaning a clinical pregnancy) for my age group is approaching 70%. Other clinics are at around 50%. But what does that mean in our case? I don't know if I trust statistics, anyway, especially in the infertility medical business. Is the extra $$ worth it? (Especially since I'd have to pull it out of my a$$, somehow.)

Anyway, must get back to work. Gotta hammer down on my thesis.

resolve

Ok, this is what I CAN do, in no particular order:

1) Get going on my thesis. I did a lot of backsliding since September, since all the grief has gotten to me, and I'm really behind, but I will get back on track. I WILL I WILL I WILL. Most of the thesis's structure is already arranged, and I've done 70% of the research and at least 60% of the writing. I got back on the bandwagon yesterday, and made a FIRM schedule for what I'll do at what point, and I WILL stick to it. I must finish the initial draft by the end of June, at least. If I must, I will send DH back home ahead of me to find a job and an apartment, and I'll join him when I can. He will not like this idea, so I'd better start talking to him about it now.

2) I will find a job back home for September. And no worries if I don't - I can substitute teach full time, which sucks, but I'll get over it. (At least, since I wouldn't be on contract, I could take off to cycle, if it works out that way.)

3) If we don't get an IVF cycle in by the summer, I will take a deep breath. I will cry and kick and scream. And then I will schedule it for the following summer (2010), and fly out to do it after I've had all of July to de-stress from the school year. I'll be going on 32 at that point, but that's still not 35, when IVF success rates start to plummet. I'll make it there, somehow.

4) Will keep screaming at God, just to keep communication lines open. I read a novel, called Our Lady of the Lost and Found, which assured me that this is ok.

5) Must also keep talking to DH, even though this infertility stuff is killing us.

6) I will hopefully get a sleep study done soon, so that I can get some help with my chronic insomnia.

7) Will force myself to be at least somewhat normal in my relationships with my family and friends IRL (in real life). That means phoning my parents, my brother, and my BFF this weekend, even though I don't want to. I will phone them on Sunday, when DH is playing hockey. I will also send e-mails to my other friends who haven't heard from me in ages.

Ok, that's the plan, for now. These things are all do-able, but I have to do them slowly, and remind myself that I don't have to take everything on at once.

I have to remember, too, that even if I'm not done my thesis on time (which is my biggest worry, since it would screw up the timing for everything), I can still move back home when I need to, since I've finished the residency requirement; I'd just have to fly back here in fall to defend it. It'd be a bugger to get books and journal articles, but hopefully I won't need anything new by then, if I do, I'll just buy it on-line and get it shipped to my home. And I wouldn't be able to meet with my advisor, but the phone and e-mail will do.

I need to find more things to calm me down, especially before I go to bed. The hour before I should go to sleep is when my anxieties surface; I've always been this way. So today I resumed going to the gym - I stopped early last month because of the FET - and that should help tire me out. Writing on this blog helps me down from the ledge. What else? I can't read, since then I'd never even go to bed. Maybe I'll pick up some lavender oil - I hate the smell, but it does seem to slow my heartrate down. Any other ideas? I can't keep relying on Ativan/Gravol, since the efficacy wears off if I take it too often. And I guess I should take up yoga again, especially the meditative aspect of it. I wish I felt like having sex; that would help. Only I definitely don't feel sexy these days. Although DH assures me that he thinks I'm as hot as ever. lol

PANIC

I am panicking about all of this:

1) I will never have a baby, and everyone else will have healthy and beautiful children and grandchildren, and I will be alone.

2) I will never find a decent clinic - something will go wrong every time.

3) I will never find out why our embryos suck.

4) I will never finish my thesis, and we'll be stuck in this apartment in this smelly city (literally, it stinks), living on DH's paycheque (which is $8/hour less than he makes back home), and I'll have no job. Which also means that we won't be able to TTC for another year, since we'll have no money. And I'll be bored and angry.

5) I'll never stop feeling sad, angry, alone, and bitter.

6) I'll hate my career for the rest of my life.

7) I'll never sleep again. Last night, I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m., after I pleaded for hours in prayer for some peace. And either for a baby or for the pronatal desire to be removed from me. I can't go on with just a few hours of rest every night.

8) I'll end up in hell when I'm dead.

9) I'll never have normal relationships with people again.

10) I'll lose my marriage.

11) We'll never get our financial house in order, we'll never keep up with retirement savings, and we'll end up destitute. And TTC costs will wipe us out, anyway.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH. These fears aren't even silly exaggerations. I am genuinely scared to death about all of it, and I think I have every right to be. I'm a completely different person, and I hate it.

I'm also worried that I won't be able to watch the American inauguration tomorrow, since the rhetoric will be all about HOPE, and I won't be able to stomach it. :(

Garhhhhh.

probably starting over...again

Apparently it's back to the drawing board.

I just found out that the price I'll likely be quoted for IVF/ICSI/AH (not counting the drugs) will be almost double what I paid at my last clinic. We can't afford that. Hell, we can't afford any of this, period.

So I guess we'll go to the appointment anyway, hear what the RE has to say, and then ask for our file back. I'll look at getting a referral to ISIS, instead.

We're running short on time here, and we have no idea how long we'll have to wait for possible diagnostics and another IVF round. I'm starting to panic about time, because if we move back home anytime soon, it really has to be in late spring/early summer, to ensure that DH finds work (he's seasonal, and will not find a job later than that), and that I land a teaching position. But if we don't move back, I won't get a job, since there's a massive surplus of teachers in this area. And then no $ for further treatments.

I'm starting to wish that I had waited a few more years to start this degree. I'm stuck here now, with no idea about what to do. I've gotta get moving on my thesis, to finish before the summer begins.

No wonder I can't get any sleep.

averted crisis

DH and I patched things up (again) this morning. He feels as though I'm treating him like a child, but I did my best to explain (again) why I'm policing the alcohol zone. I don't personally care if he has 3 beers. He's a big boy. But I can't help it that excessive amounts of alcohol kill sperm. So if he can't observe the recommended limit of alcohol until TTC is over, then I have to intervene. That's just the way it is. I'm a pretty kick-ass wife - not to brag, but except for this TTC trauma, DH has got it VERY good - so I won't let myself feel bad about having to be the booze nazi around here. And he's over it already. lol

DH and booze

DH came home after having too many beers. Despite the doctor's recommendation (and my request) that he not have more than 1 or 2 at a time. I didn't even have the energy to get mad about it. Then when I asked him again if he could limit himself for the foreseeable future, he casually agreed, meanwhile pouring himself a glass of champagne. I got upset then and commented on how I'm busting my ass to try for a baby, and doing all the work. He went to bed, and now I'm never going to fall asleep tonight.

I do not know why he's doing this. He's not a big drinker, and only ever has more than a few when he's depressed about losing his dad (and I can understand that). But other than that ... I say 'please don't have more than a few per week (as per doctor's orders),' and then he's GOT to test the limits. I know he didn't do it deliberately to upset me. So WHY, then? Why jeopardize all of our work, money, and emotions? Studies show that alcohol is not kind to sperm. So why can't he just forget about booze - or just drink casually - until we're done TTC? Is he trying to sabotage this on a subconscious level?

update

Thanks to every person here for all the love. It's sad that I feel I can't rely on 'real life' people for support - e.g., my parents, my brother, my bff - but it's not their fault. They are wonderful people. This journey is a solitary one, though, except for the people who are traveling the same path (e.g., YOU). I'm grateful for you.

An update on our situation. First, I participated in a provincial survey about infertility and adoption. A woman phoned me for the interview, which lasted an hour. She was wonderful, and I was able to share my views on just about everything. I have done the research - from newspapers, qualitative social science research, humanities research, etc. - to be able to present a convincing case. The results from all of these surveys will be presented to a panel that will, in turn, make recommendations to the government about provincial policy re: infertility care, adoption, and foster care. I think I should be on the panel, frankly, but no one has asked me to join. lol

DH and I agreed a few days ago to not talk about any baby stuff until after the intake appointment next week. Because it's just too sad to think that we might not be together for the rest of our lives, if nothing good comes of it.

So he's gone tonight - out with the boys, which is a good thing - and I'm left with my own company. Normally I enjoy being alone, but not when I'm so depressed and filled with longing for my babies. I'm sitting here, dissolving over my keyboard, and quite a funny and sad sight, if I do say so myself. A few hours ago, when I looked in a mirror, I thought - and then forced myself to say- "I will be a mother one day." And then teared up. I've never said that aloud before. I don't know if I believe that statement. I don't think so.

I wasn't supposed to cry tonight. I guess I've just had a stressful day. I'm behind on my thesis, I'm on an extension, and the A+ I was promised on my proposal isn't, in fact, certain at all. And my academic schedule affects my job (?) in September, as well as whether or not I'll be able to continue (siiiiiigh) infertility treatments.

I bought a crapload of seafood (mussels, shrimp, and scallops), and homemade pasta, to make seafood pasta with parmesan. And champagne. Was going to watch a funny movie and eat good food ... and drink. But I couldn't find a good funny movie, so I watched M*A*S*H, which I adore, but it was a sad episode. The one where the medical team has 30 minutes to find an aorta for a dying soldier. They find one, of course, but at the expense of another (dead) soldier. So here I am, crying all over the keyboard, and it's too cold outside to walk out and rent a movie. But at least the food and the wine were good. And I do still love M*A*S*H (it's pathological - I'm in love with Hawkeye, and have been since I was 5 years old).

No, I don't care how cold it is. I'm going out to rent a movie and get a pastry to eat (joined by the other half of my bottle of champagne). Don't worry - I'm not driving. lol

Hope you all get through the weekend. Love to all.