TCM (traditional Chinese medicine)

Oh gosh, where do I start on this one? I get a lot of questions about TCM, which is an acronym for Traditional Chinese Medicine. I'm definitely no expert on it, but I am a regular TCM patient, since I have pretty much given up on much of western medicine. I happen to be fascinated by Chinese culture, in general, and I am planning to go to China for the first time in June 2009.

Chinese medicine (TCM) works in a really different way than western medicine. The goal of TCM is to balance your body ('chi,' 'yin and yang,' and all that). So if you're sick or something's wrong with you, TCM doctors try to determine where you're unbalanced, and then they give you medicine (herbs), dietary recommendations, and acupuncture (and sometimes other stuff, too) to correct it. Their treatments are a lot more natural and uninvasive. They do take longer to work. E.g., my current doctor wants 3-6 months to work on me before another IVF treatment.

I figure that if millions of people have used TCM for thousands of years, there must be something to it.

I started using acupuncture a few years ago, after I had been in a series of car accidents. I was desperate to relieve the chronic pain, and among other things (e.g., NUCCA chiropractic, neuromuscular therapy, physiotherapy), I found that acupuncture and 'cupping' (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_cupping) provided some much-needed help.

I thought that Chinese medicine, in general, might be of use in infertility treatments. (Of course, this was back when we thought that our infertility problems were all 'mine.')

So I started to see a practitioner last summer. I wasn't very happy with him, though, since he charged so much money for the acupuncture and herbs: $140/week, and we're living in an economically depressed city, so that seemed pricey. I also felt that he was rushing me, and I do not like to be rushed on anything, ever (I mean, it takes me an hour just to eat supper! lol).

I also got the weirdest periods when I was under his care; this may or may not have been good, I don't know. The pain was incredible. Reminiscent of my tequila episode last weekend, the pain of that first period drove me to down a whole bottle of wine, just to manage the cramps. Isn't that awful? Again, I am not a heavy drinker - I down maybe 1 or 2 drinks per month. He seemed bemused by my body's reaction. I had seen another TCM doctor prior to this, in my hometown, and I knew that I could find someone better, who would spend more time to find out what was going on. I don't mind if doctors don't have all the answers, but I do want them to be interested in exploring the possibilities.

I got a recommendation on the web site ivf.ca to see a different doctor in my city. My first consultation with her lasted 90 minutes, and she asked piles of questions, checked my tongue, felt my pulse, and checked my blood sugar. She is a very knowledgeable, compassionate, and direct person. She says that her goal is to help my body get back into a balanced state before the next IVF, and she says that she's had some success with patients, but not with everybody. I appreciate that honesty. One thing that's been very positive is that she determined that I don't need the drug Metformin, since it's making my blood sugar crash after I eat breakfast (hallelujah - Met makes me feel so tired). Metformin is often given to PCOS patients as a first-line defence, and it doesn't work for everyone, but this is another story. My RE is going to be unhappy about my drugless state, but oh well.

This new doctor is very busy, and is frequently called out of the room, but I don't mind that at all - it gives me time to digest what she's saying and to think of what questions I want to ask. Again, I don't like to be hurried along, so this is fine with me. :)

So far, she's just had me take medicine (a custom-blend of powders, which I brew into tea, to combat my insomnia, anxiety, back pain, and current lack of ovulation), which I found odd, since I'm accustomed to using acupuncture, as well. I understood at first that she thought I wasn't strong enough for it yet. But I really wanted it. :) Acupuncture is very addictive - it feels like a natural drug. You lie on a table, and the doctor inserts very small, thin needles into precise locations on your body, and you stay still for a prescribed period of time, usually around 30 minutes. Some doctors will attach electric pulses to the needles (this is very pleasurable) and/or put infrared heat lamps over the needled area. This all sounds awful, I know, but it feels so good. Good, good, good. The needles don't hurt - at most, they pinch a bit while they're being inserted - and the resulting relaxation is worth every penny.

I insisted today that I wanted acupuncture, and it turns out that she rarely uses acupuncture in her practice because most people hate it and say that it is torture! What???!!! I know so many people who love acu, so I couldn't get over this. She was surprised that I wanted acu, and said that she just uses medicine for North American patients, since it's more cost-effective for them - she said that in China patients go 5 days in a row, then take 2 days off, and that they keep up that rotation until they are better. She said that the western once-a-week method is ineffective. I said I wanted it, though, because I love it, so she laughed and said that she'd do it. Yay - it felt soooooo good. Afterward, my tight neck muscles slowly 'popped' and relaxed, and my eyes looked bloated, as though I'd just slept for a solid 10 hours. Yum! My mental state is also better.

I've read a lot about how just the acupuncture can help with IVF treatments. My RE even recommends getting treatments immediately before and after embryo transfer, and she says that there is research to support this. I didn't do it for my IVF - I couldn't afford it at the time - but I will for the next one.

Here are links to a few books that you might want to look at, if you're interested in learning more about how TCM might help your infertility:

http://www.amazon.com/Infertility-Cure-Ancient-Wellness-Pregnant/dp/0316172294

http://www.amazon.com/Fertility-Wisdom-Traditional-Medicine-Infertility/dp/B0013TFBOW/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226119399&sr=1-3

http://www.amazon.com/Tao-Fertility-Healing-Chinese-Medicine/dp/0061137855/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226119399&sr=1-8

Hope this information can help someone out there!

Regards,

One-hit_wonder

P.S. My doctor mentioned to me - out of the blue - that most TCM practitioners in China fall into this profession because they receive such good benefits from the treatments when they are ill. I laughed and said, "Well, maybe I should do that. I like Chinese culture, in general, anyway." She replied, "I know - your eyes light up when I say the word 'acupuncture, and I can tell you are interested.'

And just now, she replied to an e-mail I had sent, and happened to add: "You really should learn this. I feel you have gut." I was flattered!

Is this the career change I've been feeling around for? I dunno!

Hopefully this is not a case of further self-delusion

I have been doing intensive research on supplements for my man (sorry, 'my man' sounds archaic, I know, there's a reason for it that I'm too exhausted to explain - I am v.v. tired, as Georgia Nicholson would say). And this is what I'm putting him on (being the good sport that he is about most things, he has agreed to this daily regimen):

-Ultra Vita Man (a twice-daily vitamin and mineral and supplement mash-up)
-Pycnogenol (the trademarked brand - dosage to be determined)
-Coenzyme Q10 (200 mg)
-extra calcium, since he's consuming fewer dairy products
-ground flaxseed on his cereal
-a small glass of organic concord grape juice (which he LOVES)

I've been reading some good things about the Pynogenol (especially re: morphology, which is a huge concern in our case) and the coenzyme q10, in terms of boosting overall male fertility. (If you're interested in sources, I can find them again and post them here.) DH was on a vitamin and a few supplements before the IVF, but I realized too late that the vitamin was quite low on some vitals, such as vitamins C and E, as well as zinc and selenium, all of which are important for male fertility.

In addition, we have gone organic. All of our food and household products are organic and natural. So are most of my cosmetics. I'm trying to find suitable personal products for DH, although he is partial to his Zest soap.

The reasoning behind the organic move is that we're both rural people, and we know it's better to eat local, natural, in-season food. We both grew up on farms, and we know the difference between organic and non-organic food (as well, we are painfully aware of how much poorer food is when it's grown commercially - we can't get over what 'city' people think passes for a tomato). We know that chemicals and pesticides and sprays are bad for people, animals, and the environment. Case in point: I grew up near potato fields - which are heavily sprayed - and my father has noted that the spray pattern affects the fertility of his cattle: he sees more deformed calves, miscarriages, etc., as a result. So that can't be good for people, either.

I see in academic research that male infertility is linked to non-organic food. This makes sense to DH and me. So even though organic food costs a fortune, and it's difficult to find where we live, we have decided to move in that direction. This means cutting back on meat and dairy, which is hard on DH, but he says he's done it before (i.e., when he lived in Europe, where meat tends to be more of a condiment than the featured dish).

DH has been pleased to discover that the new food tastes good - he was nervous about what we were going to eat, since meat wasn't going to be the main show anymore! I've made pad thai, which he adored, plus soups, bean dishes, and more, and he has liked all of it (except for bean soup, so whatever). I also baked organic whole-grain chocolate chip cookies (with millet! - what a weird ingredient!: that's cow's feed where he comes from), and they were the best cookies ever. We ate the whole batch in 2 days. :) I can post the recipe, if anyone's interested. The millet lent a nice crunch to the cookie experience.

My delusion? It's that these changes might actually boost his fertility, and that we could skip infertility treatments altogether. I would certainly not call this a hope, per se - I gave up on that concept a long time ago. It's just that, really, if you think about it rationally, going at this au naturale might make a difference. After all, my body seems to be in the clear. I ovulate, my lining is good, eggs are good, I get ewcm, my weight is a healthy number, etc. (I haven't been tested for immune factors, etc., but let's leave that, since I can't be tested for it unless I have another 1 or 2 miscarriages.) It's DH's swimmers that are more likely the 'issue,' no pun intended. The embryologist said he had a hard time finding any normal sperm for the ICSI, even though DH's total count is usually 20 million. So if he could boost the motility and morphology by exercising more often, eating organic, drinking filtered water, and taking supplements (which include tons of antioxidants), it is possible that something could happen. Again, this is not a hope, but I do hope that I'm not deluding myself.

Anyway, to wrap up what happened yesterday, I slept until about 4 in the afternoon, after drinking way too much tequila - will never do that again - so it was a short day for me. I felt a little bit better. DH is sending me for a massage and a hair appointment this week because he doesn't know how else to help. It won't fix anything, but the gesture is nice.

So I'm still sitting at home...

I didn't go out, so I'm 'safe.' Whatever that means.

DH woke up at 5, and tried to comfort me. Until I got pissed at him for offering 15000 times to help me somehow. He can't help; I'm alone. I'm acting so bitchy, I know. It's actually very much out of character for me. I'm very much a people pleaser. Trained to care about what people think. I am a Mennonite, after all (look that up if you don't know what I mean, or ask me if you care to find out - I just don't know if it's worthwhile to post that here - oh, there's the people pleaser in me coming out. lol).

He is a wonderful and kind person, and I did really feel bad for being mean, so I apologized. He knows I have a good heart, too, so he was fine with it. We sat up together for a while. He just went back to bed. And I just broke into a bottle of tequila. If you knew me in person, you might burst out laughing, because I have never been drunk in my life. I'm very much an in-control person. An in-control, prim, proper, prude people-pleaser. Hm. Yes, I've had too much tequila, but at least I can laugh at my alliteration skills!

I did tell DH that having children is a non-negotiable thing for me. I never planned on saying that to him, but the booze helped. Maybe that was a good thing. I was tipsy enough that I could say it without him feeling threatened, since he knew I'd had too much to drink. But at least the subject was broached.

Ok, I need to chill out now. Maybe eat some sunflower seeds and watch The Nanny until I fall asleep.

Before I go.

Before I decide what to do with the rest of the night, maybe I should tell about what happened during the IVF/ICSI.

First, here's the timeline of the 2ww. I'm copying and pasting this from my siggie on SoulCysters:

Sept 21: 11 eggs retrieved (OUCH!)
Sept 22: 10 mature eggs, 5 fertilized
Sept 23: 5 embies, still progressing
Sept 24: 2 embies died overnight; transferred 2 average-quality embies and froze 1
Oct 3: negative hpt
Oct 4: not testing
Oct 5: I can't read these stupid pee sticks!!!
Oct 6: BFP!!!!!!
Oct 8: beta

October 6th, the day I got the BFP on a digital, was the happiest and best of my life. The following is what I wrote about it.

Before today, I was starting to wonder what was going on in my body, given the following signals:

• Lots of thick white cervical mucous (which I didn’t think was due just to the Crinone discharge).
• Feeling little ‘zingers’ in my breasts, although they’re not sore at all (and they normally always are during the luteal phase).
• Vivid dreams. I dreamed that I had sextuplets and was trying to exclusively bf them all. I can be very naïve in my dreams. lol
• The last 3 or 4 days (I don’t remember when this started), I’ve been getting distinct, sharp twinges in my uterus. Mostly on the right side, but a few on the left. (*Gulp!*)
• On Saturday, I got two little pinpricks of dark brown spotting, one right after the other.
• On Sunday, a quick flash of abdominal cramping – felt like my period was arriving, but I was sure that it wasn’t, since it felt ‘different’ somehow – and it went away right away.
  Also, I was starting to think that Saturday’s test had given me, in fact, a positive result, since the more I looked at results of other similar tests online, the more I believed that what I had seen wasn’t an evaporation line.

Last night, I started to feel sure that I would see a + on the digital test. I felt calm and giggly. I don’t know how to explain it: I was just certain, for once in my life, that I was going to have a great peeing experience the next morning! Ha ha.

I didn’t tell DH because I didn’t want to raise his hopes for nothing, but I was sure he could tell from my face that I was pregnant. I tried to stay calm, though. I decided that I would go find him the next day at work to tell him, so that we could be excited together.

So I woke up at around 8 – I don’t know how I stayed asleep that long - and my heart started pounding … more like galloping! Got another fast wave of abdominal cramps, and then it disappeared.

I POAS – in a shaking body with a pounding heart - and it said ‘Pregnant/Enceinte.’

I had a tear in my eye, but mostly I was just hyperventilating and exclaiming, “No way, no way, no way!” I got dressed and did my hair and makeup, all the while with that pee stick beside me on the couch so I could keep glancing at it for confirmation. I paced the apartment for at least an hour because I didn’t know what else to do!

At 10:40, I hopped on the train, and happened to get into a weird conversation with a huuuuuuge dude – who said he was enamoured with my eyes (lol) - about murder and other unpleasant business, and how Stephen Harper (our prime minister) was no good for the Canadian justice system. All the while, I thought, “Argh, I don’t want to hear about this, I’m pregnant!”

Finally, after a few misdirected steps, I got to DH's workplace. It was 30 minutes before his lunch break, but I had him paged, anyway. He phoned to the front to find out why, but the secretary just said, “Someone’s here for you.” He says he had no idea that it was me. He came to the front – decked out in his hard hat and goggles – and I said, “Um, yeah, I forgot to pack part of your lunch” (which was true). Then I walked out, into the (more private) foyer, and he followed me. I turned around and said, “Hi, Daddy.” And then I don’t remember what he said! Probably: “Are you sure?” I said, “Yes.” He looked completely overwhelmed, and then hugged me tight. He stepped back and commented dryly, “You know, all this proves is that you can pee on a stick properly.” I said, “Whatever – can we go out for lunch?”

We drove to Kelsey’s to eat, and that’s the only time I really cried, when I said what shitty timing this was, since his dad died in January and won’t get to be a part of this. He would have been thrilled that I’m expecting.

Lunch was great – we talked and talked – and oddly (ha ha) we’re in agreement on almost everything; e.g., not finding out the sex(es). I put forward a new middle name, though, that I’d like to give a baby girl, and strangely enough, he didn’t hate it!

He wanted to know how I felt, and this is what I said: I didn’t trust my body; I never have. This PCOS, along with infertility, damaged my faith in my body. I thought it didn’t know how to behave. When I was diagnosed as a cyster, I started taking care of myself: I ate well, exercised, worked at managing stress, laughed every day. When we found out two weeks ago that my body was fine – just my right ovary is wonky – and that I am, in fact, reproductively healthy, I was in awe. I could have faith in my body, after all! It knows what to do! I don’t feel anxious because I am confident that my body holds wisdom about this entire process.

We’re going to wait until we fly back home in February to tell family and friends. It will be hard to keep this secret from everyone until then! My parents will be so excited – this will be their first grandchild.

Oddly, DH's sister knows that something is going on. She told him last week on the phone that she could feel that something was wrong with me, and she had been praying specifically for me every day. I wonder if my mom gets that feeling, too – wouldn’t be the first time!

DH was insistent that I write this all out today so that we could have it in our memories for the rest of our lives.

Wow, it hurts to re-read what I wrote.

Three a.m., listening to Blue Rodeo, and can't sleep

Just found out that a cousin is expecting, and is due around the time I would've been, in late spring. We grew up together, and I'll see her and the child at every family function. How lovely to have a tangible reminder, for the rest of my life, of what I'll never have. Will it be too obvious if I stop attending family gatherings?

She announced her impending arrival on her Facebook status, of course. I'm thinking of deleting my Facebook, as much as I love it, for it is now how I find out about:
-hints about early pregnancy (e.g., X is feeling under the weather! Tee hee!)
-pregnancy announcements (e.g., X is thrilled! We're having a baby!)
-pregnancy illness (e.g., X is miserable! When will it end?)
-pregnancy jitters (e.g., X is scared! We have to buy baby stuff but we're broke!)
-shower news (e.g., X is excited for all the baby stuff!)
-labour updates - I 'kid' you not - my niece did this when she was in labour earlier this year (e.g. X's water just broke)
-baby announcement (e.g., X's baby is here! She's darling, looks just like us, and she's perfect! After a whole 7 months of struggling to conceive, we finally have her in our arms!)
-complaints about said baby (e.g., X will never ever sleep again!)

What would happen if I were truthful in my Facebook status updates?
-I am changing my name to Loose Lucy because everyone in this city's medical establishment has now seen my vajayjay! Tee hee!
-I am scared shitless that my embryos won't make it until my transfer tomorrow morning!
-I'm miscarrying twin embryos! Thank God they didn't make it to 'fetus' status - it would've hurt even more!

F#*% it. I can't deal with this. Nice joke, God - good one, man. Why don't you rub it in a little bit more? Don't feed me that crap about crying along beside me - I don't believe it anymore.

I know I have to prepare myself. I know one of the next announcements will be my sister-in-law - my brother's wife. My brother, who's the 'middle' sibling, told me about six months ago that they would start trying within a year. His wife, whom I do adore, wants eight children, and goes to great lengths to describe what they'll be like. She wants them to look like me, and I am glad that she's Mexican and I'm Dutch: it would absolutely kill me if her babies resembled me.

Maybe it would be good if I heard about that one on Facebook. I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out in person.

Not sure what to do tonight. I'm not sleeping, that's for sure. I'm a chronic insomniac, anyway, and this miscarriage shit has made it worse for the last two months. I did sleep 10 hours last night, but that was partly because I took two Gravol pills (nice sleeping aide, in case you've never heard of that). I know I'm not going to bed tonight. My husband is going to freak because I didn't come to bed. I feel like going for a long walk, but we don't live in the safest part of town. I don't care, though. If I don't write more tonight, it's because I'm going out for a while.

Current Facebook status: Dead.

An essay I wrote a week ago.

Misplacements, displacements, where-did-I-put-you
I can’t recall

Gone, lost, not-found-as-yet:

favourite CD (the fourth time I’ve replaced it)
the only purple blouse I’ve ever owned (cotton, with white embroidered flowers)
clear nail polish (from my French manicure set)
1-cup measuring cup (although recipes are still turning out well)
a fresh pillowcase (mine is coated in mascara and saliva)
photographs destroyed in a downpour (two summers ago)
When Alice Lay Down with Peter (unreturned favourite book)
the language of my childhood (enough sticks to make it sting harder)
a brother, three grandparents, my father-in-law (stillborn niece and nephew)
my piano-playing ability

You think I exaggerate, I know. 6 years of lessons,
and they may as well never have happened.
Although I sing better now than I ever did in choir practice.

My landlord gave me an iPod that he found in a vacated apartment. I’ve been listening to it constantly since I miscarried two babies one month ago today. Lots of U2 – the more obscure and underrated, the better. Miss Sarajevo, Numb, Stay (Faraway So Close), more. Norah Jones: “Love in a time of war isn’t fair / He was my man but they didn’t care.” Blue Rodeo, but not the commercial stuff lately. Kenny Chesney for easy tears.

After I received the phone call that my beta number was too low, and I was already bleeding, I met my husband on the street – pouring rain, of course – to pick up books I’d had sent by courier. He asked what we could do, what could I take, surely there had to be medicine. Well, I said, there’s no glue to make embryos stick if they can’t stay. We got to the library, and of course my books weren’t there – they were lost somewhere en route. A day of miscarriages, I think to myself, what a pathetic metaphor. Must I insert Derrida into my story of loss? Really?

What can I say without sounding whiny? No one wants to read about personal tragedies if there is too much whining. Everyone wants hope – we look for it just as we can’t help but construct meaning from all kinds of text, whether or not it’s there. Book reviewers scavenge new texts for hope, all the more better when it’s a Holocaust novel, Rwandan massacre novel, etc. No one wants to hear otherwise. People want to believe that things will get better, that they’re in control of their lives. After you read this essay, if you’re at all interesting in what I’ve written, you’ll skim it again, looking for reassurance that things will end well. And if not, you’ll probably want to say to me Just adopt before you walk off without a care.

I read many books of tragedy, and think I should feel better. I had breakfast today: homemade bread, peanut butter, banana, milk (a childhood combination to which I always return). My cyclical disappointments should disappear in contrast. Should, should, should, don’t. My coffee cup says: “When I was young I was misled by flashcards into believing that xylophones and zebras were much more common.”

A reappearance

I had decided to let this blog go, since infertility was exhausting me so much I wanted to die, really.

But since I stopped blogging, I've been getting so much mail asking me to continue, I had to reconsider. I was shocked that anyone was reading my pathetic little blog on my pathetic IF story, including the author of Hannah's Hope (which is a well-known book among Christian infertile women). I mean, I am a writer, anyway, but even in that capacity, I'm surprised when anyone says they've read what I've written. lol

So, here I am again. I have to decide if I have the time to find the things I've written in the meantime for the purpose of posting them here. Because I've been through a hell of a lot since the last time I wrote here, and perhaps the story could help someone else (?).

Here's the story in a sentence: I endured the first IVF, found out that my DH's swimmers are (ahem) 'delayed' beyond belief, got pregnant, and miscarried shortly afterward.

And that's why I'm sitting on my couch, thinking that life is too long.

because i couldn't let it drop...

Remember that conversation I had with the lady in my class who kept insisting that I was lucky to be infertile? And I wouldn't let it drop, even though it was really painful, so I kept explaining until she started to think about what she was actually saying?

I'm kinda doing the same thing with my brother. I thought again about what he said to my poor dh (I understand what you're going through, just relax, just adopt, you're lucky because you can become missionaries), and I thought: he really needs to be told not to say things like that.

So I did. I did it in a diplomatic way, but I explained clearly that it's best not to pester people about their family plans, as many people can't have children (and that these questions rip their hearts out) or don't want them (and are too scared to say so because of people's potential reactions).

I've reiterated this to him several times since then, but he keeps saying that people just ask because they care, and so that makes it okay. He doesn't see my point - from the perspective of someone who is actually going through this - that these questions injure people's hearts: with 1 out of 6 couples experiencing infertility, asking someone about his/her family plans is a loaded question. He just doesn't get it, no matter what I say.

It's too bad, too, as he wants to go into missions. He is a very caring person, but sooner or later he'll have to figure out that he can't pretend to understand people's problems if he hasn't lived them himself.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that with you all, as I'm finding it liberating to (try to) set people straight about infertility.

RE

Less than 2 weeks until I finally, finally, finally get to talk to the RE about starting injects and IUI.

It can't come soon enough. If I have to wait any longer, I will give up TTC. I can't wait anymore. I've got to keep living my life.

I've decided that I will likely not pursue IVF, if it comes to that point. After what my brother said to my dh and me, I've realized that this is where I regain some control: I decide how far I will go with TTC. And it appears that that stops after injects/IUI, at least for now.

Why do people need to keep tabs on people's TTC efforts?

My brother figured out that I suck at TTC. I didn't know that he knew, and I'm very upset about it. Now I don't know who all knows about me.

My brother blurted out, "So are you having kids or what?" Dh was defensive, and said, "We're working on it." My brother made the usual comments that people say: "Just relax." Oh, and the classic: "Just adopt." Wait, wait, don't forget the self-righteous religious perspective: "It's great that you can't, because then you can be missionaries." Oh, I'm still so upset about this, I can't repeat any more of that conversation.

I asked him via e-mail how he knew this, and he said that I told him. It appears that he took a comment I made years ago about my PCOS (and how it might make having kids difficult in the future), and thought that I was already TTC since, well, I guess since we got married. Which we weren't. So I tried to clarify things for him, yet muddle it enough that he won't be sure if we are, in fact, TTC.

Because I need to regain some control. I feel like I've totally lost control over all of this, because I don't even know anymore who knows what about me.

Now that I rewrote what he said to dh about the missionary thing, I got angry all over again. Not only was that a stupid thing to say, I don't know why he bugged dh about this if he knew we were having problems.

So I just sent this to him: I know people bug you and [your wife] all the time about babies, and people bug us, too. I wish people would consider not asking other people questions about when and if they want kids, because it's hurtful to people who can't have them, or who've had multiple losses (like [dh's sister-in-law]), or who don't want them (because they're scared to admit that they'd rather not have kids). Makes me wonder why people need to know so bad.

I didn't want to tear a strip off of him (because he is a great guy), but I hope that he understands what I'm trying to say.

Just relax! Grrr....

I had a horrible night last night. It was the last maternal theory class (the one for which I presented that infertility seminar). At the end, everyone left except me and one other woman (who has 2 boys). She proceeded to give me her 'advice' (keeping in mind that I stated EXPLICITLY in my seminar that I wanted no advice, especially not of the 'just relax' variety).

The advice?: "You need to relax and not make it the centre of your life."

I laid the smackdown, which was unusual for me because I'm a very nonconfrontational person. I said, "Please do not tell me or any other infertile woman to relax. That's really the worst thing you could say." She kept saying that I need to relax, and I replied firmly each time that relaxing has little (if anything) to do with it because I have an undiagnosed medical condition. I said, "It's like telling a lame person to just relax and stand up; then he/she will be able to walk. No. It just doesn't work that way."

I also explained that having a baby is not the centre of my life; if it were, I wouldn't have sold my house and interrupted my treatments for a year in order to do my master's degree. Nor would I put off treatment for another 2 months in order to go to China.

And I said: You can't really blame people who do put it at the centre of their lives, considering how much emotional and physical effort go into it, as well as mega-dollars (especially American women). I said, "If you over-extended yourself on a mortgage, for example, wouldn't you be worried about it? How would you feel if someone told you to just relax? No, you wouldn't like it. The mortgage is a reality that has to be dealt with. It won't resolve itself."

Although she understood that, then, she still told me to enjoy my freedom. I referred her to Adrienne Rich, who said the same thing in her book Of Woman Born, and I reminded her that in my seminar I'd said how offensive that statement is to an involuntarily childless woman, who doesn't feel free because she didn't get to choose. She replied: "But you can do anything you want. After you have children, that all changes: your time, your sexuality, your body, your marital relationship, everything. You don't know what it's like. I have several friends who are childless. They have rich lives. You could, too, if you wanted."

I was so flabbergasted, I didn't know what to say. As though I'm unaware that everything in my life would change with the arrival of a child. And as though I don't have a rich life now? Whatever! She gave me an odd look and said, "No, I don't suppose you understand what I'm saying. I've been in both places: first childless, then a mother. And I'm saying that you should enjoy your freedom."

I said, "I am not in your position, but I do know something about children. I am a teacher and an aunt, and that means something. No, I don't know the extent to which things will change if I have kids. But I do know and accept that my life will be very different, and that I won't be able to be self-absorbed anymore. I am not under many illusions about motherhood. And furthermore, you have not been in my position, because you got to choose to have children. I did not get that choice. So I may not understand fully what you're saying, but you also don't have a clue about what I'm saying. Please don't say that you know how I feel, because you don't."

That took her by surprise, but she thought about it for a bit. Then she tried again to tell me how hard motherhood is, and that I have no idea. That I wouldn't idealize motherhood if I knew how much it would change my life.

I said, "I am not idealizing motherhood. I am conflicted about it, actually, because I do really want a child, yet at the same time, I don't. I DO enjoy my freedoms: sleeping in, travelling, going to see a movie, worrying just about myself, being able to talk to my dh. No diapers, no crying kids, a clean house. I can wear a silk dress whenever I feel like it, and I can do my makeup every morning. I often feel glad that I don't have kids because I can get more done - e.g., my career. Yet I still want a child. I'm under few illusions about motherhood. In my opinion, the majority of it for me would probably be hard and crappy. I'm afraid of the very real possibility of postpartum depression, for instance. I'm afraid that being a SAHM would drive me nuts. I am also shallow: I'm afraid of losing my figure. But I still want a baby. What it comes down to is that you got to choose, and I didn't. Plus, on top of that, my infertility is a constant reminder of my medical condition (PCOS). I can't just relax and forget about it."

I wouldn't let it drop until I saw that she was starting to understand how hurtful the words 'just relax' are.

Now I'm panicking about (potential) motherhood. Why do so many women/mothers try to talk infertile women out of it? Does motherhood suck that much? And if so, why did these women have kids in the first place? If motherhood is so bad, why didn't they stop at one kid? Am I going to resent being a mother, like she implied? What if she's right and I'm wrong?

On top of all that, my advisor wants me to think about turning my infertility seminar/paper into my thesis. I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can put it out into such a public forum, with thesis advisors, a reading committee, etc. My thesis defence would be public, open to everybody to attend. I'll hear so much more unwanted 'advice.' And yet I don't want to turn people off of asking me questions about my work.

As well, what if my family and friends found out about my infertility through coming across my thesis? If anyone googled my name, the title of my thesis would come up.

I just don't know about all of this...

Seminar!!

Did the seminar! It was a critical and historical look at infertility in the western world, and it lasted for 90 minutes instead of 30. Yay - everyone loved it! They were all so respectful, but they weren't afraid to ask questions and make comments, which was great! I got to preach about PCOS, and about knowing your body and its fertility, etc. And my professor came over to hug me multiple times before I left to go home (she's gone through infertility treatments, too). I love her.

And...dh felt bad for me that I put myself 'out there' so much for this project, so he went and got me The Colbert Report on DVD! What a great day! YESSSSSSSSSSSS....

Now I have to turn it into my final paper, which should be an interesting process. A 'birth,' as it were.

(And now Dh is convinced that I need to do my Ph.D. He is threatening to go to 'firefighter school' if I don't apply! Eek!)

Genetic counsellor (um, 'pregnant' with expectations?)

Genetic counsellor today was a frickin' waste of time, as dh and I expected. Also surreal, since both the counsellor and the doctor were at least 6 months pg. Of course. *Rolls eyes*

Anyway, as we were aware, there is a small (very small) risk of that 'Mennonite disease': hypophosphatasia. Or something to that effect. (Sounds like a really bad Disney movie! lol) But to me, it wasn't enough of a risk to warrant the testing until/if we need IVF, in which case I'd want the results in order to do a preimplantation genetic diagnosis.

We were also informed about the cause of death for our stillborn niece, and although it was a genetic problem, it wasn't something for us to worry about, as it was the result of a spontaneous mutation (did I say that correctly? I don't know). Anyway, just not something to be concerned about in terms of dh being a possible carrier. Rock on.

The counsellor also told me about other in utero screening (e.g., for Down's, spina bifida, etc.), but we're not into abortion or selective reduction or whatever you want to call it, so that didn't really apply to us.

So that's that. Good to get it over with.

Waitin' on the Easter eggie...

I don't think I did o, so who knows about the mittelschmerz that I got 4 days ago? Whatever. Hope it's not a cyst.

Anyway, I have loads of ewcm, and my lower abdomen is a bit crampy. So I pounced on dh tonight.

I'm not expecting to get pg anymore, but it's nice to feel 'normal.' I feel all powerful and sexy and creative when I'm ovulating.

Just thought of this: If I ever deliver a baby, will I ever let that child read this blog? I don't know how much I'm prepared to share about this infertility journey with any of my family members and friends at any point.

Another addition to the monstrous family.

Who announces on Facebook that her water just broke? (Is that weird?)

One of my nieces, that's who, as well as her husband. 2 minutes ago.

Now I'll worry about her all night, since she's having the baby at home. lol (Nothing wrong with that - that's what I'd like to do myself - it's just that I'll worry about her and the baby!)

I guess I'll have yet another great-niece or -nephew by tomorrow.

In the meantime...

In the meantime, I'm making further adjustments to my diet. I eat really well, anyway, but I figure it can't hurt to make it even better.

I'm adding one more veggie serving per day (so that's 5 veg and 4 fruits daily - and the way I measure my servings, that's probably equivalent to more like 7 veg and 6 fruits according to the Canada Food Guide).

I'm also cutting down on dairy, and adding more fish and beans.

And I'm going to try to cut caffeine. Hah, good luck on that one! I luuuuurve my coffee, especially my morning cappuccino. Um, maybe I'll start kicking that habit...next week. Yeah, next week. lol

easter egging so early? lol

I had pronounced ovulation pain and loads of ewcm yesterday ... which was CD12. What the heck? I've never gotten that this early in a cycle. So I jumped dh.

I still have ewcm today.

No cycle of mine is ever predictable. At least it's predictable that it'll be unpredictable! lol

I hold out no hope for a miracle BFP (which would by now be as miraculous as the Immaculate Conception, believe me), but it seems that I can't stop trying. I mean, by now, my statistical odds to actually conceive are at around 2% per cycle (medically unassisted). Very, very low, considering that your average couple's chance is over 20%. But I keep hoping that I'll be one of the 2%, even though I know already that that won't happen.

Ah, well. Like a turtle, I shall continue to inch my way on the conveyor belt of TTC until I get to my first medicated cycle in May or June. And then, if it does take, I will think, "Aaaaahhhhh! What did I just get myself into?!" LOL

my new great-nephew

I saw pictures today on Facebook of my new great-nephew. He's perfect. I could see that he already has the characteristic broad nose and full lips (top lip puffs out a bit over the lower one) that run in my husband's family.

It makes me sigh. I know our children would resemble him. If I could choose how my child will look, he/she would have either my dh's or my eyes (I think we both have beautiful eyes), my dad's aquiline nose, my dh's lips and eyelashes, and my cheekbones and jawline (which resemble those of my mother and her mother).

I look at the other nieces and nephews, as well, and they all give me ideas of what our children would look like. When dh and I are caring for his 8-year-old niece and 3-year-old nephew, in particular, people on the street often think that we're their parents because they look exactly like us. We have a picture of the 4 of us, and even their mother (my sister-in-law) and my mother-in-law commented that we looked like a family together.

And we are, in a way. They are the children of my heart, and they know that. You don't have to have children in order to be a mother.

The things that are lost when one is unable to conceive...

Well, another niece just had a baby boy this morning. I hope I get a turn at some point.

Jeepers, I'm a great-aunt 4 times over, and I'm not even a mother yet.

I will have to send a gift by mail (thank God, we live too far away to be immersed in the celebrations), if I can stand to go shopping for a baby present.

I have gone to only a few baby showers in my life. Since I've been TTC since I was 24 (and I'm nearly 30 now), all of these women in my life have been procreating on and on, while I've been at the sidelines. I avoid them like the plague - I just don't go, and I make up some lame excuse. I don't send a gift, either, because I can't bear to be constantly in the baby section of Wal-Mart: we have huge families, so babies are always coming and coming. (I've dropped all of my female friends, basically, because the baby thing was too much for me, too.) I don't tell anyone why, or make any apologies, because I have to protect myself.

I'm regretful and embarrassed, though, when I think about the possibility of my own baby shower in the future. There won't be one. I have pretty much no friends left, and almost no extended family (that's a long story, but my mom's family is too huge for anyone to really know each other anymore, and my dad's family is poisonous). So who would come to a shower for me, especially since I didn't go to any for them?

I'll make a list: my mom, my mother-in-law, my brother's wife, at least three of my four sister-in-laws, my one married female friend who has no kids, and her mom. And maybe one of dh's (single and childless) female friends. None of my cousins, and certainly none of my former friends. After all, I didn't go to their showers or send gifts or even have the courtesy to RSVP.

Very sad, I tell you. Especially since I used to have a lot of good female friends. It would be humiliating, actually, to have such a sparsely populated room for a baby shower. I'd be grateful for all the attendees, of course, but I miss my gal pals.

I don't want a shower, anyway. If/when I get knocked up, I will be too paranoid about losing the pregnancy to want any material baby items hanging around, just in case. I'm not superstitious, but in that case, I would feel that the baby things would be a harbinger of bad luck.

But I'll still feel self-conscious about my lack of female friendship.

The things that are lost when one is unable to conceive...

feeling swallowed

Someone on the SoulCysters web site asked the following question: So I've heard your life totally changes when you have a child (duh!), but how about also while TTC w/ PCOS? All I know is that ever since my ob/gyn got my bloodwork results and referred me to an RE, even just awaiting this appt..... my life is completely consumed. Does it ever settle down?

This was my answer: It has never settled down for me; I feel swallowed by it. My life has totally changed since I discovered I was infertile, and I will never be the same again. I do my best to ward off 'being consumed' by going on with the activities I enjoy (e.g., writing, working on my master's degree, watching Sex and the City, working out, being a research assistant, hanging out with my pals), but TTC is always on the backburner. Even after I finally have children (if I ever do), the pain will never go away. That's the truth for me. I hope you find your own ways around the TTC mess, and that you're blessed with healthy children sooner rather than later. (HUG)

Something's gotta give!

I'm starting to get excited about my treatments this spring.

Especially since the tech commented on my 'normal-looking' ovaries. Woot, woot! I forgot to mention that I'm developing follicles that are evenly scattered over the ovaries, and not in a string, a la PCOS. And that they're not enlarged, as is often the case in polycystic ovaries (the tech said, in fact, that she was having a hard time finding them!). I don't know if this is just due to cyclical timing or whatever (maybe they'll look PCOS-ish later in my cycle), but I'm so pumped about it, anyway! It's motivation to keep eating well and exercising!

I'm excited, actually, that dh has low morphology, since then we KNOW that something's not perfect, and we can do something about it! I'm sooooo hoping that these are all good signs!!!

My previous specialist did also comment that my lining was never thick enough (it was always around 4 mm). Why did he never do anything about it, I wonder?

So with injectables, IUI, and something to support the endometrial lining, something HAS to happen, right?

?

Ok, now I'm confused. Perhaps I'm overthinking all of this, but after doing some research on morphology...

My last specialist said he didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant. Is it possible to blame it on dh's newly-discovered low morphology? Is 2% low enough that that alone could have prevented a pregnancy?

And if so, I should be able to get pregnant via IUI then, right?

spelunking in the pelvic nether regions...

Went to the ill-timed doctor appointments today (i.e., they had to happen the day after I felt like giving up...).

Dh did another semen analysis. First time he's had to perform at the clinic, though; the last 2 times he did it at home and had me bring in the samples.

Anyway, the morphology concerned the doctor (it was something like 2% rather than 4%), although the motility and numbers were above average, so she is asking him to do it again. Surprise, surprise, dh didn't bellyache about any of this like he did the last time. Apparently it helped to have porn on the TV in the 'deposit' room. I know we're supposed to be Christian and all, but I had no 'issue' (ha ha, no pun intended) with it. And no apologies about it, either. Sometimes there are exceptions to the rules, but I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.

Now dh told me that the problem lies with him and not with me. He was matter-of-fact about it. I don't agree with him, really, but whatever. I hope his pride isn't injured. I know that's a big thing for guys.

After this, we ran around the city until the first of my 2 appointments at the clinic. I was very sensitive to start with, and dh made the innocent mistake of going into a kids' toy store (he loves Hot Wheels), and I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying all morning.

I pulled myself together for the afternoon's round of pelvic invasion.

My pelvic exam gave me a shock. It started off well, as soon as I commenced talking. lol I'm much more relaxed if the tech/doc and I have a conversation as the dildo is spelunking in my nether regions. Ha ha. I gave her the history of vibrators in Victorian England (doctors used to use them on their female patients in order to relieve 'hysteria' and 'nervousness'). Okay, I've studied far too much nineteenth century British history, I know!

Here is the shocker, though: The tech says that there is no evidence that my right ovary is anovulatory, as my previous doctor said (and which I believed to be true, given that I'd never felt mittelschmerz from it). To boot, she says that my ovaries do not appear polycystic at all. I didn't see the screen because I want to throw up when I see my ovaries, but dh (who was watching the whole exam) concurred with her statements. She questioned, in fact, how I got the PCOS diagnosis in the first place, since my bloodwork is also normal.

HUH?

Dang it, I should have asked the RE herself. I'll have to do that next time. I need some time to process that information, first.

Anyway, so then we met with the RE. She gave us the results from a bunch of tests (including the semen analysis). So I do not test positive for syphilis: what a relief! LOL

The most important thing: after I finally have my CD 3 bloodwork done (likely on Sunday or Monday), get my fasting glucose results, and finish our consultation (on March 19) with the genetic counselor, we will meet in order to plan the first medicated cycle. And that will be....May 1. I kid you not - she's booked that far ahead. So dh got us onto a cancellation list, and there weren't too many patients ahead of us, so I think there's a good chance that we'll get in in early April. I hope.

Ugh, too much information all at once. My mind is.shutting.off.

Thinking about giving up

Before I went to bed last night, I looked up IUDs on-line. I wished I could get one.
Today I was in a daze, and everywhere were babies. Facebook, phone conversations, celebrity culture ... everything is about babies.
When my husband picked me up from school, I said, "I had a rough night."
He asked, "Why?"
"I think I'm pretty much done with the baby thing. I can't do this anymore," I replied.
He was quiet for a second, and said that he supported me no matter what. I appreciate that about him (so much), but I wish I knew if he were really okay with it.

__________

On the SoulCysters web site, I asked the administrator about the possibility of a childfree forum, given that none exists, and it is a legitimate choice about one's family situation. I'd like to be able to talk about this with other women who've already made the decision. But I got a really cutting response from her ("NO"), since she assumed that I wanted to start a forum where no one would be allowed to talk about children. Good grief. You'd think she'd be more understanding.

__________

I thought all day about what I'd be able to do if I had no children. I would've rearranged my twenties, that's for sure. I wouldn't have gone into teaching, most likely. Probably wouldn't have bought a house. I would have traveled more. I would be in a job that meant more to me.

Of course, I can't change the past, so I tried to imagine my future. Way more travel. I could go to Israel, Vietnam, Brazil. I could backpack in Africa. I could teach English in Thailand. I could do my Ph.D. I could have great cars, a nice house, and couture clothing. Those things would all be great; I'm not saying that they don't mean something to me. But somehow I just can't imagine that yet.

In the meantime, I'll make another trek to the doctor tomorrow.

??

I really want to know where God is. I've pretty much given up on God, and I don't want to hear any reassurances that God hasn't given up on me.
I have been faithful and patient. I've even thanked God for this tribulation, as it has strengthened me as a person.
But now I've had enough of it. I am seeing my nephews and nieces having children, and within the next year I expect my two younger brothers to announce impending arrivals. I can't deal with it anymore.

Feel like giving up, for real.

Well, it's 13 dpo, and I started spotting yesterday afternoon. So, if you recall my scientific proposal to test the 'just relax and go on vacation and get knocked up' hypothesis, I was right, and fertile people are wrong. While I should feel comforted to be proven correct, I'm kinda down about it.

For the first time, I feel like giving up on TTC. It's been so long (almost 6 years) of unsuccessful trying, and it's taken almost two years just to get proper medical assistance.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the waiting. Waiting to bleed, waiting to ovulate, then waiting for a positive test that never arrives. I'm tired of all the fads, like cinnamon and fish oil. I'm tired of timed sex. I'm tired of on-line information-hunting all the time. I'm tired of envying other people for their children. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I think I need a very, very long TTC break - with contraception so that I stop thinking about 'what if' - but if I decided to return to the baby roulette game, I'd probably have to wait yet another a year for medical help.

I'm so tired of it all, and I just want to lay it down.

Back from a baby-making vacay.

Back from seductive Cuba. (Viva Cuba! Cuba Si!)
We were away for 2 weeks. I had a wonderful time, and was able to forget, for the most part, about TTC.
I did o, though, at the end of the first week. Strangely, I had o pain for 4 straight days. I was wondering if I was getting a cyst or something.
So now I'm 10 dpo, and waiting.
Our appointment with the specialist is on Thursday, though, so we'll get the last of our testing done. I'm hoping and praying that we can start a medicated cycle next month. I'm not holding my breath for a + in 4 days, although I SHOULD get one, considering I took the standard 'fertile-friend' advice to go on vacation and just relax!

My poor, lovely little man

I can't believe I ever thought that dh didn't want children.

Two days ago, I was looking through the Christmas pictures I took with his family. At least 35% of them involve him with his small nieces and nephews (especially the nephews!). In one particular picture, he is sitting on a loveseat, face to face with his 3-year-old great-nephew, who is reclining on his lap. I took a closer look at my dh's face, and he is intent on whatever he was saying to the little boy at the time. I didn't realize that that intensity is the same as love.

I felt naive for ever questioning dh's desire to expand our family. Of course he wants children; I can see that in his eyes in that particular picture. He just doesn't say so because he knows what the additional stress would do to me. So he pretends the opposite.

Aw, what a dear man. And LOL - I feel so dumb for not realizing all this earlier!

finding soulmates in unexpected places

A textbook example of irony: I, a 'barren' woman, am taking an Education course on maternal theory.

Via e-mail, I asked my professor of the course (she's also my thesis advisor) about my topic for my seminar: the irony of being infertile while being paid to care for other people's children. I was too shy to talk about it in class, since I didn't want to deal with undesired 'advice' and pitying looks. However, I adore this professor, and her opinion matters to me.

So I shared with her a bit of what I'm enduring, and I attached the transgressive essay I wrote about it last semester, which was a bang-up piece of writing, if I do say so myself.

She replied by praising my writing, and then asked if I wanted to hear another story about it. (I thought to myself, "No, not really....") She said she's been through the same thing.

I bawled all over my office at the university. Tears everywhere. Dh says she must be my soulmate. :)

A scientific study about TTC and going on vacation

Ok, I'm designing a research study.

Please feel free to check my findings for reliability, validity, etc., etc. Sorry, I don't have the technical lingo down pat. I'm only on page 77 of my research methods textbook. lol

Principal investigator: Yours truly

Research problem: Fertile people tell infertile women to go on vacation, and poof, they'll be pg.

Hypothesis: That the above statement is a piece of garbage.

Method: Yours truly will go on a 2-week vacation next week to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the Caribbean. She will rest and relax on the beach. During this 2-week span, she will ovulate. She and her dh will bd at appropriate times (i.e., before and during ovulation). After 14 days, she will use an HPT to attempt to detect pg.

Expected findings: After the 2ww, she will find that she is once again not pg.

Implications: The results will revoke the validity of the "go on vacation!" hypothesis that is so often forwarded by highly fertile people.

Explanation

Sorry, didn't explain my last post properly.

My father-in-law passed away last week. It's such a hard time for my poor dh.

I think the father thing is really getting to him now; as a cyster mentioned on SoulCysters, he probably wants the kind of relationship with his children that he had with his own father, who was a wonderful man. Aw, my poor dh.

TTC update

TTC update: My genetic counsellor just called to confirm that that the recessive gene for that 'Mennonite disease' I told you all about last month does not run in my dh's family. I kinda knew this, but this was official confirmation, which is good news. She can't find my dad's medical info at Health Sciences in Winnipeg, but I don't think that that matters now.

So I don't have to go in for genetic testing if I don't want to; hopefully this means that we can speed up the process so that I can have my first injectable/IUI cycle in 4 weeks. Now I'm just waiting for Feb 28: that's when I will have my pelvic exam and other testing, dh will have his s/a, and then hopefully we'll make the plan for my inj/IUI cycle. (In the meantime, I have to get the CD3 bloodwork done, as well as the GTT.) I wonder if I will be able to start a medicated cycle in March?

In the meantime, 2 weeks away in February should get me mentally prepared for all this, I hope!

So weird about my dh...he has never said to me how he feels about the whole TTC schmozzle. In all the 5-6 years of trying to get pg, he has never expressed his opinion on the matter. The day after his dad's funeral last Saturday, we were driving his mom somewhere, and we were talking about our great-nephew (he's 3 and so amazing and adorable) and how his parents (our niece and her husband) don't really appreciate him. We were talking, too, about how another nephew (also 3 and wonderful) clung to me all week; he wouldn't even go play with his cousins. Dh suddenly burst out: It's not fair, Mom. And then the 3 of us were quiet for a bit.

Also on the weekend, dh had his cousin's fussy baby asleep in his arms, and he was all concerned that the baby wasn't overheated and that his neck was being held at a proper angle. I am praying desperately that I can give him his own child to fuss over. He'll be a kick-ass dad.

Letter to my ovaries

On SC today, a few of us wrote letters to our ovaries. We are using reverse psychology on them in order to make them spit out a few measly eggs.

Here is mine:

To my dear, cherished ovaries:

After a great deal of self-reflection, I have decided that having a baby is not for me. That's the honest truth. So keep your eggs for whatever sinister purpose you have had for them all these years. Fry them up with bacon, if that's what you want. TTC is over and done. No more bd'ing - it's just SEX from now on.

Sincerely,

XX

P.S. I took Provera for 10 days this cycle, so you don't even stand a chance!


However, I was soundly outdone by one of my buddies, who left us all howling!:


Dear Ovaries:

We regret to inform you that your role as organs relating to the conception of a child is hereby terminated. It is our understanding that you have been censured regarding this matter three times without effect; see attached transcripts of "Crying jag" - December 15, 2007, "Angry Tirade" - December 16, 2007, "Hopeless Yowling Session" - December 17, 2007.

As you have failed to modify your performance after three formal warnings we are terminating our relationship with you.

Please be advised, that effective immediately you are no longer authorized to monopolize our thinking and, life decisions, &/or budgeting concerning any matters pertaining to conception.

Yours truly,

XX

So I can still blame all this crap on bad genes, right?

Dh's stillborn niece did not have 'The Mennonite Disease,' although the doctors were convinced that that was the problem. I was so relieved to hear that. Strange, the macabre things that make TTC'ers relieved.

So we have to wait for my dad's results from the genetic testing that was done when my cousin, who did have 'The Mennonite Disease,' was stillborn. He doesn't know if he's a carrier because he never got the results. I'm less worried now, though, since dh is in the clear, so that lessens our chances. I was becoming paranoid that dh and I were the unlucky receipients of the crappy genetics jackpot.

This 'Menno Disaster' is actually called Hypophosphatasia; it has many forms, but it seems to involve uncalcified bones. Babies in utero who have it are always stillborn. 1 out of 25 Manitoba Mennonites has the recessive gene, and 1 out of 2,500 births involves a baby with this dreadful syndrome.

Interestingly, as I was perusing scientific research about this, I happened across a medical study out of The University of Manitoba which examined the unusually high prevalence of diabetes and other such metabolic disorders in the Manitoba Mennonites. PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is so near and dear to my own heart) wasn't named, but that would definitely be included in this framework. So I can still blame all this crap on bad genes, rights?

As for other headlines from the frontline, I just finished my last Provera pill, so I'm expecting af on Tuesday. That means that I can do my CD3 baselines on Thursday. That's the first time for this procedure. My last RE was not nearly this careful. Suffice it to say that he was not the most thorough doctor in the history of reproductive endocrinology.

I wish I had all these 'misconceptions' - I wrote this for the SoulCysters TTC board

I wish I had all these 'misconceptions'

I wish...

...I thought that I ovulate twice per cycle.

...I thought something was wrong with me during the 4 days in a cycle when my cervical mucous becomes copious

....I believed that ovulation pain is just a pulled muscle

....I truly believed that dh could "just look at me" and I'd get pregnant.

...I thought that cough syrup was just that: for coughs.

...I could cringe at the sight of a needle.

...I could complain about morning sickness.

...I could feel sad that my favourite Gaultier doesn't fit over my belly.

...I could get impatient with my children for being so demanding.

...I knew what it was like to think "Just relax and it'll happen" to a crying friend.

...I could take life for granted.

Now that I look back at this list, which began as sarcasm and ends as something else, I know that this journey has been the best thing for me. As hard as it is to admit this, a fruitless attempt to conceive has made me a stronger and more sensitive person.

I still wish I didn't know so much about being involuntarily childless, but I'd never give it all back.

Finally, finally, finally, with kudos to the amazing (not) Canadian medical health system...

I got my first RE appointment last Friday! I waited for six months for this.

I spent most of the afternoon there. I was on CD39, with no o in sight.

Of course, af arrived in the middle of today's pap smear. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, they said that I won't be able to start a medicated cycle for at least two months. I just about started bawling in the office when I heard that. But they're doing much more comprehensive testing than my last RE did, including genetic testing for cystic fibrosis and for a deadly syndrome that is prevalent among the Manitoba Mennonite population (since both sides of our family carry the genes). They're also running much more extensive bloodwork than I've ever had. And they are going to do the 2 hour GTT, which amazed me because all of my doctors in Manitoba refused to order that test for me.So I figure that if the reason for the delay is that they're being extra-careful, then that's a good thing and I can be patient for a little while longer.

Their preliminary thoughts are that there's a subtle disruption in hormones and other such bodily chemicals that is affecting my fertility, and that my previous doctor missed it. But they were very impressed with how I've been managing the PCOS so far, though, which made me feel good! It's been hard work, but it is worth it!

I've been switched from Metformin to Glumetza. Met doesn't seem to do anything for me, and I've been on it for 18 months, so they want to see if the Glumetza is more effective. And they prescribed a prenatal vitamin with a higher dose of folic acid. Apparently in Canada the recommendation for daily folic acid for pg and ttc women has gone from 1 mg to 5 mg!

Next step is injectables and IUI. So we're looking at February, possibly, for that.

I did like the new RE (and her assistant, who is also a resident infertility specialist, actually). They seemed so thorough, they encouraged my questions, and they liked it that I was researching so many infertility issues on my own.

I felt bad for dh being in the room during the RE appointment. I mean, it was unavoidable, but still. He was there for the pap smear and the 30,000 questions. Looked like he was almost in tears. He whispered to me when the doc left for a moment, "I can't believe you have to go through all this. I'm sorry." And when we both had our bloodwork done, he turned white as he watched the nurse take 8 vials of blood. He'd never, ever had blood drawn before! Isn't that crazy!? So the nurse got 4 vials off of him, that little whiny weenie! I love him! LOL

I'm baaaaaack!!

With hugs and kisses! Mwah!

I just got a message from someone who asked if I was coming back. Yay, I felt wanted! lol Thanks for that. I get lazy about posting on here because I can never remember my password!

If you want to know what I was up to in the meantime, check out the SoulCysters web site, where I write about my baby-making dilemmas with no shortage of detail. SC is a web site for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is a metabolic disorder. My username is one-hit_wonder. Most often, I frequent the Turtlepokers thread on the Trying to Conceive board. We are a bunch of zany dames.

floaty

For whatever reason, I was standing in the bathroom just now, about to turn the light off, and I realized how precious and amazing life is. I'm so happy to be alive, I'm so happy with my partner, and I hope that I get to share all of the joy of life with my own children one day.

news

On a somewhat positive note, I got my first communication from my new infertility clinic. Had to fill out yet another clinical form about premature ejaculation (his, not mine! ha ha!), hirsutism, how often I have sex, and other things that I don't want to tell strangers about. Faxed that in 3 days ago, so now I'm waiting for the phone call to get the first appointment. I am hoping so bad that I can get an appointment before Christmas.

Oh, and if you're keeping track of how many family pregnancies I find out about through Facebook, you can add one more: another cousin posted the news about her brother's expected baby.

So, in the spirit of Facebook, I'd like to post the following info on my personal feed:

"____ is not expecting quadruplets, or even triplets, anytime soon. Just in case anyone wants to know. And please don't tell me and dh that we have to actually have sex to get knocked up: we do the deed way more often than you do, you pathetic once-a-weekers! So there! Nah nah nah nah!"

another cycle

I did ovulate, apparently, and went through an extra-long luteal phase. Finally got af on cd16. That's extraordinarily late for me, so I said to dh that maybe I had a chemical pregnancy, but who knows? I don't.

I saw the following devotional on the SoulCysters web site, and thought I should share it. I'm struggling so bad right now to keep my faith in God - I feel on the verge of giving up, and I have no one to talk to about it - so I took some comfort in these words:

DISCERNMENT OF FAITH

Faith as a grain of mustard seed...Matthew 17:20
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=mt+17:20&sr=1

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, it may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith, faithbrings us into right relationship with God and gives God Hisopportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, nota life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings. Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience that had as much of sense as of faith in it, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order toteach you to walk by faith. You are worth far more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result ofbeing alive. Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible.

Don't know what to make of this...

I think I o'd on Sunday. Huh?

It's weird, because I didn't really feel the o, and I always do. I was crampy, and I felt both ovaries kicking around just a tiny bit, but that's it (I never, ever feel the right ovary because it's anovulatory). Plus I only had the one day of ewcm, and I always have 5 days.

But now I have post-o symptoms, such as creamy cm, low cervix, zits, and sore nips.

I wonder if I did actually o or if this was an anovulatory cycle, period (ha! no pun intended!). I don't temp anymore, so I don't know for sure. Grrrr. Maybe I could just take my temp for the next few days just to see if it's high?

The good thing is that I still have a script for Provera, so I have at least SOME control over this. If I get sick of waiting, down the hatch those pills will go.

in case you're wondering...

i'm allowed to make fun of mennonites because i am one. :)

ovaries are bustin' a move. and then dying on the dancefloor...

Let's exchange metaphors, shall we?

In my previous post, I compared my ttc struggles to an Olympic event. Now, let's consider disco, instead. I haven't o'd yet in my cycle! Seriously, since cd 13, I can feel my one working ovary try to bust a move on the dance floor (cramps, ewcm), and then it gives up (cramps go away and ewcm dries up). And remains a little wallflower with a wilted corsage.

I can also, for the first time, feel the right ovary budging, which is weird because it's anovulatory. It must be a Mennonite ovary because it sure doesn't know how to dance.

It's so disheartening after having SIX normal cycles in a row for the FIRST time in my life. But I guess maybe it's a good sign that I feel the stirring of life in the right 'faulty' one, right?

Disco fever, yeah baby, I got it bad.

The coundown to the October 2007 Ovulation Olympics has begun... (*cue the music*)

It's been 6 months of normal cycles for me - 27-30 days in length. How amazing. I'm truly grateful for that. It's been the first time in my life that I can gauge with accuracy my ovulation and af dates. Ever. Oh, what 'regular' (ha) women take for granted. It seems like science fiction that most women can pinpoint all of that on a calendar (in a postmodern world, I may simply choose to disbelieve it, and no one can tell me otherwise! lol!) when it's a game of Snakes 'n' Ladders to me.

This cycle is the first one that's off again. Back to 'normal' for me (ha). I'm sitting on cd 14.

With no o in sight, I said to my dh (as he drove me to class) that my body sure gets affected by stress. I've noticed that if I get super-stressed out during the first week of a new cycle, o and af are inevitably delayed by at least a week, and sometimes more. I've been trying really hard to avoid stress, even if it makes my life wacky.

But at the beginning of the current cycle, I located on-line my long-lost brother and his common-law wife. More specifically, his common-law wife. We had heated words back and forth, and I spent one night without sleep over it, banging away at the keyboard and frothing with anger from every bodily hole (ha ha, that sounds gross, but I was really so mad!).

And now here I am, waiting again.

On a positive note, though, I just got the first ewcm of the season. lol! So, if I AVOID ALL UNPLEASANTNESS and only think of FLUFFY, PINK-TINGED, LOLLI-POP-type things, I should o on Sunday.

Good reason to skip church? lol!

Oprah featured infertility stories today.

Okay, I never watch TV anymore, and I definitely don't watch Oprah. She often has good topics, but I find her a bit on the irritating side.

However, I happened to turn it on today, just as the show was starting: Lisa Ling Investigates: Wombs for Rent.

The first half of the show focussed on a couple's journey to India to find a surrogate mother, and they emphasized how the lives of the surrogates are changed as a result. Second half is about Martha Stewart's daughter's infertility treatments; another IVF couple was featured briefly.

As touched as I was by the first segment, I still have deep concerns about the commodification of babies. Essentially, it's as though the Western world is beginning to outsource baby-making. I'm glad that infertile Western couples' money has such a positive effect in the lives of impoverished Indian women; however, I ache for those women because they have to make such a private part of themselves so very public, for money. It is a different way of selling your body.

I do not intend this in any way as a judgement against the Indian women we saw in the show: I admire them, actually, for going to such drastic lengths for the well-being of their families. However, I still wonder about the ethics of the whole thing. Is it okay to use those women in that way, even if they say that they are willing participants, because most of us have more money than they do?

I don't have a firm opinion, one way or the other. (I mean, now I'm even considering doing the same thing. Would I go that far? I don't know! Maybe.) These were just the thoughts that were running through my head as I watched the show.

I hate my pop-up blocker right now!

I've been forever trying to add a new page element so that I can link up to other blogs, but my stupid pop-up blocker won't allow it, even though I have it turned off.

Anyway, check out my buddy's blog: http://becausebrittsaysso.blogspot.com/. She talks about her infertility journey, as well, and she's a great lady.:)

No word yet on the referral

Ugh. Wondering how long it's going to take to get my referral to a new infertility doctor. Apparently, of 4 docs, one has quit and another is on mat leave (figures!). Will I get an appointment before I die? Stay tuned . . .

Top 10 List of Comments IF Couples Hate to Hear

I saw this on a message board; if anyone knows the source, please let me know and I'd be happy to list the credit.

Top 10 List of Comments IF Couples Hate to Hear

10. "Guess who's pregnant--again!"
9. "It will happen when you're ready."
8. "So-and-so prayed, and they got pregnant right away."
7. "You're being too sensitive." Or, "Maybe you're not meant to have children." Or, "Just accept it and go on." Or, "Stop crying." Or, "We all have problems."
6. "Do you want me to give you a few pointers?" (ha, ha!) "Are you sure you know how babies are made?"
5. "I get pregnant so easily! My husband just looks at me and a baby is on the way."
4. "You're lucky you don't have kids." (Or, "Why do you want them, anyway?" Or, "I'll gladly give you a couple of mine." Or, "You don't know how nice you have it--your house never gets dirty.")
3. "You're not getting any younger." (Or, "When are you going to have kids, anyway?" Or, "Are you really so selfish that you don't want any children?")
2. "Adopt! You'll get pregnant for sure."
1. "Just relax! You're trying too hard." (Or, "Take a cruise or go on vacation.")

deferred dreams

I can't work hard enough or spend enough money to get what I want: a baby.

I can work my way (or spend my way) to anything else. But the most special thing seems to be unattainable for us. I mean, I get anything else I want in my professional life. Anything I'm interested in seems to happen for me if I work hard enough for it (and I mean things that I NEVER thought I'd get, like travel, huge scholarships, and fantastic work opportunities). I'm even applying for a Fulbright scholarship. I mean, why not?

But no baby is coming, so far, despite my massive efforts (and $) to the contrary. I think that this aspect of infertility really bothers American women (as well as Canadian women, like me) in a certain way because of the historical idea of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. The American dream and all that. That you and you alone are in charge of your path. Infertility really mixes up that idea.

Sorry to get all philosophical. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

doubting god's decision-making

I would be a great mother. I already 'mother' people in my life; e.g., my little niece and nephews, the children I teach, my husband (I'm sad to say! lol), and others.

I accept responsibility for my actions. I make wise choices for my life. I care. I have a good sense of humour. I work hard. I'm a passionate learner. I appreciate beauty. I am spiritual, and I'm in tune with my own spirit. I am able to teach others without being overt; I teach by asking questions and encouraging metacognition. I lead by being a shepherd, and this is not an easy task - it means being willing to allow those in your charge to make their own mistakes. I'm not afraid of criticism. When I'm wrong, I say so. I am willing to change my mind when I'm convinced about something. I am smart. I am wildly creative.

So when God sends children to people who don't even want them, I am left questioning why he is not using my experiences and skills? I feel that he is wasting my talents.

You may reply by saying that he is using these abilities in other, less obvious, ways. Perhaps. But I could still have my abilities used in those subtle ways and still mother children directly, too. It's not an 'either-or' proposition.

here we go again...

I got af today, so there's the same old answer.

I want to pray that God will take my desire away, if I'm not allowed to have kids, so that this pain will abate.

I don't know what else to say.

cruel and unnatural punishment

I'm 10 dpo today, and started spotting.

The eternal optimist in me says "implantation spotting!," but the pessismist in me (which rules about all things ttc) says, "AF IS ON HER MERRY WAY!!! Mwah ha ha ha!"

Other than that, bbs hurt like crazy, as always before af.

Isn't it so cruel that the symptoms of early pregnancy are the same as impending af? It's cruel and unnatural punishment, I tell ya.

I'm confused...

I failed to mention that the FIRST niece I was talking about earlier is, indeed, pregnant. And got huffy with me for 'exposing' her secret. Get this: She posted her news on Facebook! My dh phoned our sister-in-law to ask about it, and she didn't know! No one knew except for the grandparents! So everybody found out through me. And I keep trying to congratulate her, and I keep getting snippy messages in return.

The niece I mentioned in my last post is a different one. ALSO found out about it yesterday on FACEBOOK. Although it wasn't her fault - her sister-in-law (yet another of my nieces) posted the news on her own page.

Yes, where is the justice, I ask you? And why is Facebook now the podium from which all this personal information must be shared?

Panic at the baby-making disco

Today I had my first anxiety attack about this ttc business.

I was supposed to be at a public forum where I was to meet potential advisors, make connections, etc. Very important for my career.

And I almost couldn't go because I started feeling light-headed, feeling my heart race, etc. And I was feeling too depressed to get off my chair and go to the meeting.

I went to the bathroom to calm down, and when I looked in the mirror, there were wrinkles under my eyes. I could hardly believe it - I'm 29, but I look 20. Until today. Ha.

I'm starting to get scared about this.

blah

I just found out today that another niece is having a baby. This will be my FOURTH great-niece or -nephew. I am happy that I'll have a new baby to play with, and pi$$ed off as heck that I can't be pregnant, too. Hey, at least I got a referral to my new RE, although who knows when the first appointment will be. So when my niece is getting her first ultrasound, maybe I'll be getting my first ultrasound to see if I even OVULATED yet on whatever horrible drug I'll get put on.

I feel guilty for being so angry when I should be just happy for my niece, who deserves it. But I am really angry and bitter and jealous. I'm sitting here crying, and I said to my husband that I don't think I can go to the family gathering for Christmas: too many pregnant women and babies. He commented that we'll never go home for anything again, then, if that was how I felt about it. So I can't talk to him about this right now. Usually he tries not to say things like that.

And I have no close friends to confide to in person. I have one good friend who is going through the same thing, but she lives far away, and I don't want to obsess to her too much because I don't know if she feels better or worse after our infertility conversations. I'd hate to make her feel worse.

I did ovulate on Thursday (possibly Wednesday). I didn't make a big deal of it, and I didn't tell dh until it was over. I want to say at this point, defiantly, that it's because nothing will happen, anyway. But then I think, "Oh, but what if you just spoke that into existence, and if you hadn't said it, you would've found yourself pregant at the end of the 2-week wait." So then I feel screwed either way. I don't want to hope too much, but I can't not hope.

So, so sick to death of all this.

Someone asked me about my post on adoption. They were very insightful comments, and I think you pegged me down exactly.

Yes, adoption. A worthwhile and holy enterprise, without a doubt. Joseph adopted Jesus, even at the expense of his reputation. In turn, God says he has adopted all of us into his family. What could be better than that? As I said previously, I see adoption and personal childbearing as two separate things, and I always thought that I would wish to adopt whether or not I have biological children. I think that an adopted child would be lucky to have me, and that I'd be lucky to have him/her. Now I'm starting to wonder: If I can't have biological children, will I still adopt? I know that I would love that child without question, as I do for all of the children in my classroom. However, I would still long for biological children, and I NEVER want an adopted child to feel secondary in any way. I wouldn't see an adopted child that way, but kids are smart, and they would catch on to the fact that I'm sad because I can't get have a biological child, and they would likely infer that they were a second choice (when in fact they would not be a second choice for me). Does that ramble make sense?

I also take issue with the cultural issues surrounding international adoption (which is what we would do because we want a very young child), especially because of my studies in postcolonialism. Sorry for the jargon here, but the implications of a cross-cultural adoption are staggering to me, especially since I come from a HIGHLY patriarchal, WHITE, and CONSERVATIVELY Christian culture. A Chinese, black, aboriginal, or Hispanic (to name just a few examples) child would more than likely be treated 'differently' by our community. Perhaps just a few comments and stares. (I don't think my dh and I care about a baby's skin colour. We are a touch more enlightened than that.) But I'm guessing that a deep-rooted racism would rear its ugly head. And I don't know if I can justify raising, for example, an aboriginal child within my Christian culture if he or she would have been raised with traditional native beliefs, had he or she been blessed enough to remain with blood relatives. To my mind, if I had that child, that may be cultural genocide. However, as witnessed in the horrific aboriginal childcare cases in my home province, maybe the love of a good parent - despite skin colour - is better than a paid caregiver. Well, I don't really have to ask that question because I know what the answer is: a loving parent is a loving parent, despite culture, race, or creed.

I don't know. It's very complicated for me.

"So why not adopt an older child via domestic adoption?," you may ask. I'm a little bit afraid of that, having taught children who were being cared for by the state, and who were available for adoption down the road. They often have so many needs, such as Fetal Alchohol Syndrome. And that is so tough. So very tough on the child.

Ugh. I don't know. I have 50,000 questions, but no answers.

would you like some cheese with that whine?

My aforementioned niece has now scribbled this on her web site: "I am tired of my clothes not fitting."

Boo freakin' hoo.

Why do I torture myself by looking at it? I've got to stop. But it's like when you're a kid, and you keep wiggling your loose tooth, even when it's all sore and bloody. It's compulsive.

new specialist

I'm finally going to a clinic to get a referral to an infertility specialist. If I have to wait more than 2 or 3 months, I will check into American options. Don't really care anymore how much this costs.

dh wants to adopt

Good thing I didn't test - af is here. Been sick and tired all day.

Last night, my dh brought up adoption for the first time. Not that we haven't discussed it before - I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager - but he said with some conviction that we should give a good home to a great kid. I said no. Adoption for me right now would be a second choice, and that's not fair to any kid. Plus, we would likely get a child who is a minority, and we live in a culture that is, shall we say, less than accepting of other colours of skin. I can't imagine what it would be like for a Chinese or Haitian child in our culture.

I don't know. I want to adopt, but I see it as a separate thing from having biological children. I want them both, but I want them separately, because I don't see adoption as just an option in case of permanent infertility, if that makes any sense.

Argh, I don't know if that's all clear, and I'm too tired to re-read all that.

I would like to add, though, that just because this is my current opinion doesn't mean that I think I'm right about it. I'd like to have other peoples' opinions on it.

Now what's up? My auntie is late...

Af hasn't officially shown up yet, and I'm at 14 dpo, which is two days late for me. I'm spotting, but it's scant, and it is definitely not my period yet. So I'm wondering what's going on, but I am so afraid to get my hopes up. I wanted to buy a pg test tonight -which I never do - but I chickened out.

medical update

Yikes, I didn't realize that it had been 3 months since my last post, so here's a short update on all things infertility-related:

Had my laparoscopy. FINALLY. After it was cancelled umpteen billion times. (The procedure is not a big deal, by the way.) The results?: No endo, fibroids, adhesions, or anything of the sort. My doctor observed a corpus luteum on my left ovary. He wrote in my report, though, that the right ovary appears to be anovulatory. That was devastating to read. I suspected that much, since I don't ever feel mittelschmerz on the right side, but it was still numbing to see it in print.

The final diagnosis: Unexplained infertility.

Great. We're right back where we started from.

So now, since we moved, I need to get back onto a waiting list for the closest infertility clinic. That will probably take until after Christmas.

I don't think I can take another family Christmas with everyone's kids. I've been a good sport about it up until now, because I truly love them, but all I want is to have babies like my nieces and nephews. It hurts most especially when I'm hugging the ones who look like my dh. They've all got the same eyes.

Calling this blog Rocked by Faith was optimistic.

Calling this blog Rocked by Faith was optimistic.

I do not feel rocked by faith. I feel angry and mad and pissed off.

I've not been keeping up with this blog for a while now because I reached a crisis point in my faith, and I couldn't face the idea of writing about it. I was at the point of not believing in God anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want to, because I did, but I just couldn't.

How can there be a God who would deny the right of reproduction to a decent human being? It is a fundamental right. The idea of reproduction is the oldest thing in the world, starting with Adam and Eve, as the Bible says, being made in the image of God. It's supposed to be so natural, easy, second-nature. You have sex with someone you love, and who you're committed to, and then you're supposed to get pregnant.

Oh, but not for me. And not for all the other women in my life - 4 I know of - who can't have kids and who, coincidentally, would be the greatest moms ever. We're supposed to sit and be content with what we have. Because "maybe God didn't intend for you to be mothers." Yes, that's right. It's "not your time yet." "Be patient; wait on the Lord." "Focus on your career." "You're lucky you don't have kids - you have your figure, more money, and more time." Oh, wait, here's the kicker: "Just relax and it will happen."

Oh, no. Instead, it's all the losers I know who are having kids. Those kids should be mine, not theirs. I don't run off and sleep around, do drugs, get drunk. I wouldn't pawn my kids off on relatives so that I could go and party. Why do THEY get to have children? I hate this.

So I am certainly not rocked by faith, or by anything else, for that matter, except for my anger and sadness. I did decide, finally, to stick with faith, even though faith isn't sticking by me, if that makes any sense. I thought that I'd stay with God during this crisis point, even though I didn't want to, and I didn't feel anything. That's what I'm doing right now.

I can't sleep, and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

When you're down to nothing

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

Boy, I hope so.

I feel as though I'm losing interest in God, and I'm actually beginning to look at him with some skepticism. For the last several weeks, I keep getting thoughts like, "So what?" At church a few weekends ago, I thought about what a hypocrite I was for sitting in that seat and not being involved in church life at all. Not even a cheque.

A few months ago, I read through one of my dad's Christian magazines/devotionals. In one of the articles, a quotation from an artist struck me. I'll paraphrase it: Every person will reach a time (i.e., the lowest and loneliest ebb of life) during which he or she will choose to walk with God or alone. Ironically, it's that lowest time of life during which God is most present and active. At that time, I dug my fingernails into that idea, because it seemed so true. Now I don't know what to think. Why does God care whether or not I have children? He's got so many other things to worry about: world peace, AIDS, child soldiers, genital mutilation, etc. I feel as though I'm being punished for something, but I don't know what I did. I guess it's that idea that in my weakness, God is strong. Well, he's as strong as Goliath/Aladdin/Sampson/Hercules right now, that's for sure.

I guess everyone feels that at some point in their lives: a trial that appears to be insurmountable. Everyone gets a cross to bear, right? It just seems to me that infertility is one of the worst things that could happen to someone. Worse than losing a job or a home, having a disability, or even losing loved ones. Because we 'barren' women have loved ones whom we've never in our lives seen, held, touched, or smelled even once. What could be worse? If you're an infertile woman, you know what I mean. If not, you could never understand.

You can't understand unless you've been through this. Especially in our hemisphere's culture of instant gratification. I mean, in our world, when you work hard enough to get something, usually you do get it (e.g., if I wanted a new Corvette, I would find another job and work until I could park my seat in its buttery soft interior, kwim? Or I'd just charge it! lol). Everything else I want, pretty much, comes flying at me. I have the world's best spouse, wonderful parents, a great house, a top-notch education, etc. I mean, especially when I consider my career options, I can fly as high as I want. Career options just fall into my lap, it seems.

But I'd give up everything tangible that I own in order to have a family with my dear husband. Gladly. Wouldn't think past this next period. Lol! Oh, for a baby with my husband's eyes . . .

Seriously, though. I am worn down to a nub. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Yesterday marks five years: it's the fifth birthday of my inability to be 100% woman. It's the fifth anniversary of my body's failure to do what even the animals can do without thinking. Five years of listening to quotations like this: Any fool can make a baby. It takes a man [/woman] to raise a child. So I'm even less than a fool, I guess. Or way too much woman? I don't know.

I'm getting pretty tired of waiting, waiting, waiting. Last week, it really hit me at one point that this might be all there is. Dh and me by ourselves. Not that there is anything wrong with that - we love being alone together - but I can't imagine our entire lives together without little mini-mes kicking around. Not when just about everyone else can have them just by sharing soap with someone, practically, for heaven's sake.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE. Hopefully I will be able to get in my first injectable/IUI cycle in this summer before we move and, therefore, lose all of our insurance.

If I get knocked up while we're living out of our province, dh and I have agreed not to tell anyone. It'll be OUR secret that is just between US. Because nothing else has been a surprise for us, not with timed bd'ing, various pokes and prods in the vaginal patch, invasive questions, etc. No finding out, totally by surprise, that I'm 2 or 3 months along. So when it does happen, we'll keep it as a precious secret between us.

Help.

bass ackwards (lol!)

Okay, my posts are a bit out of order. Now, I will write the post that I would've written yesterday:

I feel so sexy and so much like a real woman - not some being whose 'body' was invaded by the PCOS monster. I'm OVULATING! It's CD 28, and I've had massive o pain for the last three days. It's the most wonderful pain I have ever experienced. What a strange statement to make!:) I wonder why I even bother with temping and opks, since I get ewcm and stabbing pain in my ovaries when I am o'ing, so it's hard to miss. Of course, I dismissed the o pains before ttc since I didn't know what they were - I used to think I'd pulled a muscle. (*Laughs derisively*)

Vair, vair strange that I had o pain for 3 days, though. I've never noticed more than 2 days. Maybe more than one egg was released? Oh, here's hoping! Please, God, PLEASE!

Oh my word, I feel so awesome and creative and powerful. I could unleash a bookful of poetry. Or....I could pounce on my dh.....hmmmm....:)

ah, yes, the age-old question: WHY ME?

I just found out from my mom that my prodigal youngest brother, who's been MIA from our lives for 2+ years, just called her. Which you'd think would be good news, but it definitely wasn't. One of the things he'd said to her was that he and his ex-girlfriend had gotten pg a few years ago, but that she had lost the baby (which I am not sure if I should believe, incidentally - an abortion may be more like it - it's a free procedure where we live, and they had less than nothing - but who's to say?).

I was SO HURT AND MAD. Yes, I'm being selfish for being upset over a baby who never made it to term (I would never, ever blame an innocent baby for any of this family mess, or my ttc mess, for that matter). Besides that: Come on! He and his girlfriend were TOTAL wrecks (drunk, likely drugged, couldn't keep jobs, 18 and 16 years old, etc. - you know the drill). But they had the foresight to be on bc - 2 kinds, I believe - and they GOT PG ANYWAY. WHAT THE HECK?

And then, of course, my mom started bawling because she felt horrible for telling me about it - she honestly hadn't realized that that would upset me. So then, naturally, I felt bad because she felt bad. So we felt bad, all around.

What a NICE way for my parents to find out that they would've become grandparents for the first time. I am so mad at my brother right now. Doesn't matter, though, because he's a runaway and chooses not to contact any of us. Just puts my parents through hell and owes them thousands of dollars.

Yes, I believe in God, but WHERE IS HE among this mess? WHY, WHY, WHY? Is this a punishment or a test? I don't think it's a punishment, so if it's a test, I think I've passed it a long time ago! And why would God use something as horrible as 'barrenness' to test somebody? It feels inhumane to me, especially when the ability to reproduce is something so essential and basic - it's something that even animals can do without thinking. I'm not saying that having a family is something that I deserve, but shouldn't it be a little bit more attainable than this? Especially when I am married to a wonderful man, we both believe in God, we both have good educations and $ in savings, we have great friends and family, etc. Shouldn't we be first on the food chain? *Sigh*

I don't even want to hear about patience and faith or about Abraham/Sarah or any of that. I can barely stomach the Hannah story, but that's about it. I've heard it all already. I've been faithful and patient. I will continue to be, but it is so hard.