(Mis)conceptions and Great Expectations: another cycle

Friday, November 2, 2007

another cycle

I did ovulate, apparently, and went through an extra-long luteal phase. Finally got af on cd16. That's extraordinarily late for me, so I said to dh that maybe I had a chemical pregnancy, but who knows? I don't.

I saw the following devotional on the SoulCysters web site, and thought I should share it. I'm struggling so bad right now to keep my faith in God - I feel on the verge of giving up, and I have no one to talk to about it - so I took some comfort in these words:

DISCERNMENT OF FAITH

Faith as a grain of mustard seed...Matthew 17:20
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=mt+17:20&sr=1

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, it may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith, faithbrings us into right relationship with God and gives God Hisopportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, nota life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings. Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience that had as much of sense as of faith in it, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order toteach you to walk by faith. You are worth far more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result ofbeing alive. Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: I followed your link from the SC site. I've been an atheist for years, but if I hadn't already crossed over from Christianity, this struggle would've done it.

I don't know how people keep their faith under these times. How can one reconcile a god who loves with such unbearable cruelty? Whether it's infertility, a child dying of a horrible disease or accident, cancer, whatever... it's just impossible for me to understand.

Now, I suppose it might be different for me, since I went through it all. I was absolutely devout for years, and years... and slowly, gradually came to the realization that it doesn't make sense. It's illogical.

I suppose it's admirable that you are trying to keep your faith through this process... I just can't "get" it. It would be SO much more painful if I DID believe... as it is, it's horrible, but at least I don't sit here and wonder if god is punishing me for some sin, or if he doesn't think I'd be a good parent or if he's decided this is a fitting way to "test" my faith... and maybe I'm failing, so I can't have a baby. Or maybe he just doesn't hear my prayers.

Please understand... I am not trying to judge you or criticize your beliefs. Atheists are so deeply hated that I think many who would otherwise abandon the belief systems they no longer subscribe to, don't... it's very hard to say "I am an atheist" because I lose friends or people decide they'd rather not start a friendship.

But I can't say I've ever regretted that life brought me here. I feel much freer, more alive since I came to this point... I have one life to live, that's it. One shot...

Anyway... I hope you get your BFP soon. I know all too well what a struggle it is... and I have to imagine that when your also facing a crisis of faith, it's even harder, as I went through the crisis of faith myself, long before I was ttc - and it was difficult enough on its own.

Good luck....

JJ; November 12, 2007 at 1:00 a.m.
one-hit_wonder said...: Thank you for writing to me. I didn't feel even remotely judged by you (although thanks for caring!) - rather, I understand exactly what you are saying. Thank you.; December 9, 2007 at 9:56 p.m.

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Hi!

I'm a teacher and an aspiring writer. I love reading, writing, watching good TV, photography, fashion, and great food. I just finished my graduate degree in Education.

My partner and I tried to conceive, on and off, for over 7 years. I have PCOS (so borderline that it was never really an issue) and the dude has severe male factor. We started this screwy trip by getting misdiagnosed (buddy, you're fine! - your wife has the problem!). I should sue that first clinic.

We had one IVF/ICSI which resulted in a miscarriage. We will not forget.

We got out of the IVF Funhouse over a year ago and my RE told me I was knocked up, but I didn't believe him. I still don't, even though as I type these words the most beautiful 8-month-old girl in the world is sitting on my lap.

Ciao,

One Hit Wonder (now literally!)

(And, thanks to my friends, also known as 'Our Lady of the Lost and Found' and 'Academia Whore.')

TTC c.v.

crap, i should update this list. i did have a baby recently.
Oct 2: Midwife appointment.
Sept. 1: Midwife appointment. Should get a booking for an ultrasound.
August 11: Started (very tentatively) to buy baby necessities.
August 7: Felt baby move!
August 4: Midwife appointment: emotional health check-up. She also says I'm measuring 2 weeks ahead.
July 22: Gp says I'm measuring ahead.
July 9: Told DH's sister, BIL, and 2 nephews. DH and I phone his niece, who's sick with swine flu, to tell her the news - she's in charge of telling the rest of DH's family.
July 7: First appointment with midwife; heard heartbeat. Told my family and then DH's mom. Got doppler in the mail.
June 30: Bought maternity clothes.
June 26: Second u/s and last obstetrical appointment with RE.
June 8: Phoned midwife with u/s news; will set up appointment after we've moved.
June 5: First u/s and obstetrical appointment. One heart doing 140 bpm. :)
May 21: Third beta - 824!!!
May 19: Repeat beta - 309.
May 15: Beta - 113.
May 14: The vaguest of positives, part deux.
May 13: The vaguest of positives. Midwife phones; I don't return the call.
May 12: Afternoon BFN on $ store test.
May 11: BFP! Scared! Already did an intake with a midwife.
May 8: A LOT anxious.
May 7: A little anxious.
May 3: Day 5: Transfer: 2 lovely blasts, already hatching. 4 blasts frozen for later. RE says I have moderate OHSS. Acupuncture.
May 2: Day 4. No updates. Take antibiotic.
May 1: Day 3. Still have 15; 5 are in the lead.
Apr 30: Day 2: 1 embie arrested; 15 developing well. Feeling ill.
Apr 29: Day 1: Fertilization report: 20 mature eggs and 16 fertilized! Speechless! Start Prometrium (3x/day) and Estrace (2x/day).
Apr 28: Egg retrieval. 21 eggs retrieved. Stop coenzyme q-10.
Apr 27: Bloodwork and acupuncture.
Apr 26: Monitoring. Full OHSS protocol. Trigger before bed.
Apr 25: Monitoring. OHSS protocol 'lite.'
Apr 24: Monitoring and acupuncture.
Apr 23: Monitoring.
Apr 22: Monitoring.
Apr 20: Monitoring. Afc 35+. Estrogen 1100.
Apr 17: Pre-stim assessment. Afc 20 and estrogen great. Start Puregon 125 units.
Apr 10: Last bcp. Woot!
Apr 7: Start medically induced menopause (aka: Lupron).
Apr 6: Endometrial biopsy (ouch!), cycle review, $11,070 due. Cyst aspiration cancelled - it burst and is disappearing on its own.
March 21: Start bcp
March 19: Day 3 u/s and b/w. B/w results excellent. U/s shows massive cyst on my purely decorative right ovary; RE wants $500 to aspirate it. wtf?
March 17: CD1 - we're back in the IVF Funhouse
March 11-16, 2009: Spotting. Come on, af!!!
March-May 2009: Second IVF/ICSI/AH (long protocol, plus endometrial biopsy). Hannam says no to Glumetza, as per new research. Waiting for af so I can start Marvelon.
March 2009: Follow-up with Hannam. All tests negative, plus DH’s DNA frag test comes out awesome – better than most men’s! (Though his morphology and motility are still abysmal.) I start extra folic acid again, as well as co-q10.
Feb 2009: Mf testing.
Jan 2009: Negative beta. Clinic says to go straight to IVF stims, no mf testing. DH and I argue about donor. We talk about separating. Switch clinics. Hannam orders mf testing and puts DH on new massive doses of antioxidants. I have karyotyping and SHG. I try a new TCM doctor, but it all COSTS so much!
Dec 2009: FET/AH with Grade 2 5-cell. Faint + on one test at 10 dpt, then nothing.
Nov 2008: WTF appointment - RE says male factor is the cause of our problem, and probably not the PCOS. I go off Glumetza, as per TCM doc’s recommendations, as it’s crashing my blood sugar.
Oct 8, 2008: M/c at 4 weeks 5 days.
Oct. 7, 2008: Beta 20. Start bleeding late at night.
Oct 5, 2008: BFP! Best day of my life. I go to DH's workplace to surprise him.
Aug - Sept 2009: IVF/ICSI (long protocol). 11 eggs, 5 fertilize. (Hardly any sperm at all after the wash.) 2 die on day 3. We transfer 2 average graders; freeze 1.
Summer 2008: At WTF appointment, RE recommends IVF/ICSI. DH starts vitamins. I've been taking vits all along, but now I start acupuncture and Chinese meds, too.
Spring 2008: Injects/IUI. Only 1 follie, for whatever bizarre reason. DH's mf discovered – less than 1 million survive wash, plus motility and morphology SUCK.
August 2007-March 2008: Move 2000 km, partly to find decent IF clinic; WAIT for provincial medical coverage to begin, and then wait some more for RE referral. In the meantime, on vacay in Central America, I o and again don’t get pg – I realize that a natural pg isn’t in the cards.
July 2007: Lap and hyst - ok, except my right ovary is purely decorative, which I knew. No injects yet – huge family issues.
Dec 2006-March 2007: Clomid 4x- BFN -s/a again ok, my bloodwork fine – I beg for thorough tests for myself –HSG is clear.
Dec 2006: First appointment with RE, who is out to lunch in every way, but since we’re in an underfunded and remote area, there’s no choice.
June 3, 2006: DH watches Big Daddy movie and decides that he wants a baby. S/a ok. Referral to IF clinic. I start charting. Am amazed that no one ever told me I could read my body’s fertility signs.
Sometime in 2004 – June 2, 2006: TTC on hold - DH not interested anymore, and I'm in a series of devastating car accidents (none my fault) that wreck my back. Start M.A. Go on Met at some point, even though my bloodwork is now normal and my ovaries don’t look that bad, but it does nothing for me.
Spring 2002- 2004: TTC casually. I don’t know what ‘ovulation’ or ‘Fertility Friend’ are. I never POAS, nor do I care.
Spring 2002: DH’s uncle dies. We think life is too short, so we toss the bcp.
2001 or so: PCOS dx (amenorrhea, right ovary anovulatory, LH:FSH out of control, hair loss, acne, fatigue). I spend the next few years bringing it under control with diet and exercise.
1996: Af always out of whack, so I get bcp (which adds 15 lbs to my frame). Doctors will not test to see what’s going on.

(Mis)conceptions and Great Expectations

Friday, November 2, 2007

another cycle

2 comments:

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