Three a.m., listening to Blue Rodeo, and can't sleep

Just found out that a cousin is expecting, and is due around the time I would've been, in late spring. We grew up together, and I'll see her and the child at every family function. How lovely to have a tangible reminder, for the rest of my life, of what I'll never have. Will it be too obvious if I stop attending family gatherings?

She announced her impending arrival on her Facebook status, of course. I'm thinking of deleting my Facebook, as much as I love it, for it is now how I find out about:
-hints about early pregnancy (e.g., X is feeling under the weather! Tee hee!)
-pregnancy announcements (e.g., X is thrilled! We're having a baby!)
-pregnancy illness (e.g., X is miserable! When will it end?)
-pregnancy jitters (e.g., X is scared! We have to buy baby stuff but we're broke!)
-shower news (e.g., X is excited for all the baby stuff!)
-labour updates - I 'kid' you not - my niece did this when she was in labour earlier this year (e.g. X's water just broke)
-baby announcement (e.g., X's baby is here! She's darling, looks just like us, and she's perfect! After a whole 7 months of struggling to conceive, we finally have her in our arms!)
-complaints about said baby (e.g., X will never ever sleep again!)

What would happen if I were truthful in my Facebook status updates?
-I am changing my name to Loose Lucy because everyone in this city's medical establishment has now seen my vajayjay! Tee hee!
-I am scared shitless that my embryos won't make it until my transfer tomorrow morning!
-I'm miscarrying twin embryos! Thank God they didn't make it to 'fetus' status - it would've hurt even more!

F#*% it. I can't deal with this. Nice joke, God - good one, man. Why don't you rub it in a little bit more? Don't feed me that crap about crying along beside me - I don't believe it anymore.

I know I have to prepare myself. I know one of the next announcements will be my sister-in-law - my brother's wife. My brother, who's the 'middle' sibling, told me about six months ago that they would start trying within a year. His wife, whom I do adore, wants eight children, and goes to great lengths to describe what they'll be like. She wants them to look like me, and I am glad that she's Mexican and I'm Dutch: it would absolutely kill me if her babies resembled me.

Maybe it would be good if I heard about that one on Facebook. I'm not sure how I'd react if I found out in person.

Not sure what to do tonight. I'm not sleeping, that's for sure. I'm a chronic insomniac, anyway, and this miscarriage shit has made it worse for the last two months. I did sleep 10 hours last night, but that was partly because I took two Gravol pills (nice sleeping aide, in case you've never heard of that). I know I'm not going to bed tonight. My husband is going to freak because I didn't come to bed. I feel like going for a long walk, but we don't live in the safest part of town. I don't care, though. If I don't write more tonight, it's because I'm going out for a while.

Current Facebook status: Dead.