Before I go.

Before I decide what to do with the rest of the night, maybe I should tell about what happened during the IVF/ICSI.

First, here's the timeline of the 2ww. I'm copying and pasting this from my siggie on SoulCysters:

Sept 21: 11 eggs retrieved (OUCH!)
Sept 22: 10 mature eggs, 5 fertilized
Sept 23: 5 embies, still progressing
Sept 24: 2 embies died overnight; transferred 2 average-quality embies and froze 1
Oct 3: negative hpt
Oct 4: not testing
Oct 5: I can't read these stupid pee sticks!!!
Oct 6: BFP!!!!!!
Oct 8: beta

October 6th, the day I got the BFP on a digital, was the happiest and best of my life. The following is what I wrote about it.

Before today, I was starting to wonder what was going on in my body, given the following signals:

• Lots of thick white cervical mucous (which I didn’t think was due just to the Crinone discharge).
• Feeling little ‘zingers’ in my breasts, although they’re not sore at all (and they normally always are during the luteal phase).
• Vivid dreams. I dreamed that I had sextuplets and was trying to exclusively bf them all. I can be very naïve in my dreams. lol
• The last 3 or 4 days (I don’t remember when this started), I’ve been getting distinct, sharp twinges in my uterus. Mostly on the right side, but a few on the left. (*Gulp!*)
• On Saturday, I got two little pinpricks of dark brown spotting, one right after the other.
• On Sunday, a quick flash of abdominal cramping – felt like my period was arriving, but I was sure that it wasn’t, since it felt ‘different’ somehow – and it went away right away.
  Also, I was starting to think that Saturday’s test had given me, in fact, a positive result, since the more I looked at results of other similar tests online, the more I believed that what I had seen wasn’t an evaporation line.

Last night, I started to feel sure that I would see a + on the digital test. I felt calm and giggly. I don’t know how to explain it: I was just certain, for once in my life, that I was going to have a great peeing experience the next morning! Ha ha.

I didn’t tell DH because I didn’t want to raise his hopes for nothing, but I was sure he could tell from my face that I was pregnant. I tried to stay calm, though. I decided that I would go find him the next day at work to tell him, so that we could be excited together.

So I woke up at around 8 – I don’t know how I stayed asleep that long - and my heart started pounding … more like galloping! Got another fast wave of abdominal cramps, and then it disappeared.

I POAS – in a shaking body with a pounding heart - and it said ‘Pregnant/Enceinte.’

I had a tear in my eye, but mostly I was just hyperventilating and exclaiming, “No way, no way, no way!” I got dressed and did my hair and makeup, all the while with that pee stick beside me on the couch so I could keep glancing at it for confirmation. I paced the apartment for at least an hour because I didn’t know what else to do!

At 10:40, I hopped on the train, and happened to get into a weird conversation with a huuuuuuge dude – who said he was enamoured with my eyes (lol) - about murder and other unpleasant business, and how Stephen Harper (our prime minister) was no good for the Canadian justice system. All the while, I thought, “Argh, I don’t want to hear about this, I’m pregnant!”

Finally, after a few misdirected steps, I got to DH's workplace. It was 30 minutes before his lunch break, but I had him paged, anyway. He phoned to the front to find out why, but the secretary just said, “Someone’s here for you.” He says he had no idea that it was me. He came to the front – decked out in his hard hat and goggles – and I said, “Um, yeah, I forgot to pack part of your lunch” (which was true). Then I walked out, into the (more private) foyer, and he followed me. I turned around and said, “Hi, Daddy.” And then I don’t remember what he said! Probably: “Are you sure?” I said, “Yes.” He looked completely overwhelmed, and then hugged me tight. He stepped back and commented dryly, “You know, all this proves is that you can pee on a stick properly.” I said, “Whatever – can we go out for lunch?”

We drove to Kelsey’s to eat, and that’s the only time I really cried, when I said what shitty timing this was, since his dad died in January and won’t get to be a part of this. He would have been thrilled that I’m expecting.

Lunch was great – we talked and talked – and oddly (ha ha) we’re in agreement on almost everything; e.g., not finding out the sex(es). I put forward a new middle name, though, that I’d like to give a baby girl, and strangely enough, he didn’t hate it!

He wanted to know how I felt, and this is what I said: I didn’t trust my body; I never have. This PCOS, along with infertility, damaged my faith in my body. I thought it didn’t know how to behave. When I was diagnosed as a cyster, I started taking care of myself: I ate well, exercised, worked at managing stress, laughed every day. When we found out two weeks ago that my body was fine – just my right ovary is wonky – and that I am, in fact, reproductively healthy, I was in awe. I could have faith in my body, after all! It knows what to do! I don’t feel anxious because I am confident that my body holds wisdom about this entire process.

We’re going to wait until we fly back home in February to tell family and friends. It will be hard to keep this secret from everyone until then! My parents will be so excited – this will be their first grandchild.

Oddly, DH's sister knows that something is going on. She told him last week on the phone that she could feel that something was wrong with me, and she had been praying specifically for me every day. I wonder if my mom gets that feeling, too – wouldn’t be the first time!

DH was insistent that I write this all out today so that we could have it in our memories for the rest of our lives.

Wow, it hurts to re-read what I wrote.