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God is tearing my life apart. So THANKS, big guy.

Now that the problem is male factor, and not me so much, there's not ONE THING I can do about not having a child. Yeah, I can put DH on vitamins and supplements. I can scour the internet and the library and the bookstores for information. I can get him to exercise and to eat organically. I might even be able to get him off booze (the little bit that he does drink) and junk food, and to make sure that he doesn't take hot baths.

But I know it won't do anything. Science doesn't know much about male factor, in the first place, and especially very little about morphology, which is DH's biggest problem (although motility is horrendous, too).

Oddly, I was somewhat relieved last spring when we found out that PCOS was not only to blame - it was mf, too. Some of the pressure was off. But since then I've discovered that PCOS isn't really to blame in my case, since it's all controlled, except for one wonky ovary. The other ovary works. My lining is good. Bloodwork is normal. I'm at a healthy weight. I don't smoke and hardly ever drink. Etc., etc.

So now this is a different game. I can tell DH feels horribly guilty. And I feel like the worst person in the world for saying this, but I'm bitter toward him. Not because of the mf - I know he can't help that. But because he won't even consider donor sperm. Our RE recommended, for the next fresh cycle, doing half DH's swimmers and half donor, but DH flatly refused. I'm more open to it.

If the problem lay solely with me, I would go for donor eggs in two seconds. Hard? YES. But I'd do it, since we both want children so much. So yeah, I'm bitter that he wouldn't consider doing the same from his end. I feel that he is withholding something from me and from our marriage.

I thought that we wanted to be parents together. He says he'd sooner adopt than go with donor. But if we could have a child who had at least one genetic link to us, then why not go that route? Why deny me the genetic link just because he can't have it, too?

He's got loads of nieces and nephews. His mom is a grandmother and great-grandmother many times over. My family has none. My youngest brother is MIA (long story), and if he has any kids, we don't know about it. My middle brother and his wife don't have children yet, but I've wondered if they won't have IF problems, too, since she has problems with her af. (They're going to start trying in the next 6 months or so, which is painful to know, anyway.) My parents would love to have grandchildren, and my brother wants to be an uncle very badly, but it may not happen. Makes this even harder, since I'm healthy and apparently fertile, but I can't do ONE THING about it.

So today DH and I are fighting. I thought this m/c thing was supposed to get easier, but it doesn't; it just gets harder. I couldn't sleep last night; just panicking about my life and about what to do. Then just now, we were on our way to buy groceries when a STUPID Alan Jackson song came on about a 'southern man' and how his greatest contributions were his 5 children (1 of whom was 'unplanned,' of course). I said bitterly that by that standard, I have nothing to give. DH got mad, and then I got mad and started crying, so here we are, back in our apartment. DH is lying on his bed in our room, and I'm in the living room, typing this.

It's horrible that I'm bitter toward him, I know. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to consider using another man's sperm to impregnate your own wife, so I don't even try. I do know how hard it is to learn that you are reproductively screwed, though. This is all so stupid.

So God is tearing my life apart, and I hope he's happy. I am married to a great guy, but things are falling apart because we want a child and can't have one. It's a dark joke.