Why I'm horrible and mean.

In case you want to know more about how horrible I am for resenting DH for my current baby-less state: on Thursday, he (a MAN'S man if you ever saw one) bought roses for me; he also included a card and wrote a beautiful message inside it. When he gave it all to me, he hugged me and said, "Let's go buy some plants and flowers to have around here; everything is so dead." (Um, he's not a plant or flower kind of guy, although his dad sure was. He's also not a 'writing' person, in stark contrast to me.) I was touched, to state the obvious.

Plus, after my weekend meltdown, he decided he was going to buy a puppy for me. (The turnaround of all turnarounds - we're both 'farm kids,' and mostly not into the idea of indoor animals, although he's more opposed to it than I am.) I said no, that was ok (I don't have any experience with indoor pets, so I don't know if I'd be good with that), but I'm still kicking the idea around in my head. I'm so lonely - maybe a dog and I would be good for each other.

DH is trying so hard to help. He keeps asking what he can do, and I'm silent. What can I say? I want a baby, but I can't have one. I don't want to make him feel even worse than he already does. I don't know how to tell him I'm intensely and everlastingly bitter toward him about withholding something I need, but that I don't love him any less, if that makes any sense at all.

So since the day that the doctor mentioned the idea of using donor for half of my next batch of eggs, I haven't broached the subject. I know that if I kept bringing it up, he would eventually give in, and I don't want him to feel coerced. I think that that would damage our relationship, as well as hurt any potential child.

DH said fiercely that he could not love a child who was not 'his.' I respect his position on that, but I find it difficult to believe that he wouldn't love a baby we could achieve with the help of donor sperm. He's incredibly loving toward all children; kids gravitate to him. We never go anywhere together without him playing little games with the children he meets. He's the favourite uncle. He phones many of his nieces and nephews regularly to check up on them and to pound on them with tough love, when necessary, and the older ones have occasionally lived with us when they needed somewhere to go. Blah blah, it's all a cliche, I know (i.e., the silently infertile Favourite-Aunt-and-Uncle).

I realize (as much as I can, considering my non-existent experience) that a pregnancy with donor would be a different situation than all that, of course. I can't imagine being a man and watching my partner have a child with no biological connection to me. I don't know what that's like, but it seems pretty clear that there'd be a lot of issues to work through for both parties involved, not to mention friends, family, and the child her/himself. (My apologies if any of my readers have used donor - I'm sorry if I'm shooting my mouth off here.) But I can say that my DH would adore the child; I know this to be true.

Anyway, to return to my main point, I am a hideous soul for being mad at him (plus a liar for hiding my feelings). But maybe I redeem myself by not forcing the 'issue' (ha ha, no pun intended) on him? I am trying to be a good partner, but it's been tough lately. :(