what if?

I've been in a more mellow mood during the last few days. I think my body's trying to calm my mind down, just in case a hospitable environment is needed on Saturday (the day after The Big Thaw). I didn't consciously try to come out of my misery; it is what it is. So I accept it. It's nice to not feel miserable. And to be able to get some work done.

Just keep thinking 'what if.' What if the embie doesn't die on Friday? What if it makes it to Saturday? I know it won't. The odds of it just surviving the thawing process are 50%. The chance of a clinical pregnancy with it is 13%. Unlucky 13. I was born on 13th day of July. Hm. Too bad I don't believe in that kind of stuff. But I still caught myself today thinking 'What if...?'

Today, the barista at my coffee place asked me what my sign was. I said Cancer. He said that meant that I was the great mother, and that I could be in charge of, and care for, everybody. (I have odd conversations with people whom I don't know. It's fun. lol) A sign? Hm. Again, I don't believe in horoscope-type stuff. But I still thought 'What if...?'

I hate that b!&^% Hope. :( I wouldn't say that I'm hoping, but I am still looking to Friday with a mixture of anticipation and trepidation. After I get the phone call that the embie didn't make it, will I accept it, knowing that that was the most likely outcome? Or will I be devastated all over again? I don't know, and I don't know if I can cope with any more reasons to grieve.

There are a whole lot of thoughts resting on one frozen embryo, whom DH has named Katharina. It is suspended in time in a freezer two miles from where I am. I live in a high-rise apartment, the windows of which face the direction of my embryo. I look out the window, every day.