Today

I was working today at a coffeeshop; it's about a 30 minute walk from our apartment. I like to work on my thesis there - the atmosphere is usually calming for me. I order a coffee (oops, not supposed to be drinking that), and then usually a tea, and they don't kick me out, so it's all good. I've made friends with one or two of the baristas, as well. But I had to leave after an hour today. Just couldn't take it. My mood takes a downturn, my body feels heavy, and I feel tears coming on. All I do is look at clocks, watching seconds tick by, waiting for my life to end. So it was time to go. I didn't want to leave - what was I going to do at home? Get into a crying fit and upset DH for the zillionth time?

When does it get better? When will I stop having these meltdowns? I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds, blah blah. It's not getting better; it's getting worse.

I managed to pull myself together without leaking more than a few tears - I made an intricate dinner to distract myself - before DH came home. He remarked that I seemed ok today; I said that I wasn't in the afternoon, but it was better. At least we ate well, even better than usual.

Speaking of which, the organic kick is going quite well, except we can't go to restaurants (wahhhhh!). And that it's expensive. And we have to eat seasonally (but that's better for the environment, and I'm down with that). And that we have to ease up on dairy and meat (I don't mind meatless meals, though). And that I spend nearly all my spare time in the kitchen, cooking everything from scratch and cleaning all the extra dishes. :(

Despite all the shortcomings, I do like the diet. The milk is great - it tastes almost like the raw milk we grew up on. We love the organic cereals - there's a brand made with hemp and granola that is super-tasty. I've been making a lot of nasi goreng (Indonesian fried rice), using medium-textured tofu along with eggs (no meat), and that is delish beyond delish. I could eat that all day.

Today I made a 'Mexican' (using that term loosely, as I know this isn't Mexican) cornbread casserole. I fried up a pound of lean hamburger with a bunch of black beans, onions, canned tomatoes, and homemade HOT red enchilada sauce (plus salt and pepper, etc.). Layered cheese on top of that. Then I mixed cornbread dough with diced jalapeno peppers, homemade creamed corn, and sour cream; slapped that on top. Baked it for half an hour and served it with salsa and the leftover creamed corn. V.v. good. And hey, even though it took ages to prepare, at least my frame of mind was a bit better.