more about mf

Daytime was lovely. Met my thesis advisor/boss and fellow research assistant at a bistro for lunch, and then my advisor and I went shopping for a bit at Holt Renfrew's (we looked for underwear and makeup - lol - we don't have a typical advisor/advisee relationship) and walked through the University of Toronto campus.

She and I talked about my infertility issues - she went through infertility in the '80s - and she was lovely about it, as always. It is odd to talk to someone in person about what I've gone through. Even weirder to be talking about sperm and cervical mucous to someone who's technically my boss/advisor. But she is not like every other professor - she never talks down to students and she's brilliant, so I love her. lol

My fellow research assistant, who is Mediterranean, is cool, too. She told me today that I have a southern European (i.e., Portugese, Italian) sensibility, not Canadian. She asked me, then, why my reputation around our university is that of a cool and distant person, unapproachable. She told me that she doesn't understand this, and so she tells everyone what I'm really like, and the things she proceeded to say about me were so very nice.

I get that a lot - people thinking I'm a snob. I'm really not; at least, I don't think I am. I'm super-shy, for one thing; almost paralyzingly so. Also, I am an oddball, and I'm aware of that, so sometimes I don't talk because I know certain kinds of people will dismiss me as an airhead, and I'm not. The other thing is that I live in my dreamworld - I have a rich interior life, and often forget to pay attention to the 'real' world. So I guess I come across as distant, until you get to know me, and then I'm a good friend. ;)

Anyway, things went downhill after that. There was no particular trigger; I just got sad, sad, sad. Picked up my Estrace, went home, and was quiet all evening. It was a long night. Finally DH tried to take my laptop, then yelled something about wanting to spend time with me, and stormed off to bed. I let him cool down a bit, and then went into the bedroom, and we talked (we weren't fighting, and he wasn't really mad - that's just how we communicate sometimes during a frustrating situation).

He wants me to talk, especially when I'm sad, because otherwise my sadness makes him feel guilty, as though he's done something wrong, like forgetting to do the dishes or something. But I can't talk - as I said to him, what else can I say without hurting him? I said I feel like life is too long and I wish it were over.

He thinks that what needs to change next time is more prayer, more church, more Bible-reading, etc. I'm inclined to think that that won't make a difference. This infertility business has shot my spiritual beliefs to hell, and when I grieve for my missing children, I'm grieving for my missing faith, as well. If he wants to pray, go to church, etc., I will do it, though.

He offered to 'step aside,' but I don't want another guy. I want to raise a child with him - I think we'd be good together. :(

He asked about adoption, but that's not for us, for dozens of reasons.

I did broach the donor subject - very tentatively - and let him talk. He says he'd feel ashamed every time he saw a baby that wasn't 'his,' since he didn't get the job done, and it's his fault. I did say: So if one person can't have a genetic link to a baby, the other person can't, either? (He didn't seem offended by this.) I reassured him that the sperm thing wasn't his fault - I mean, it's not as though he screwed up his swimmers on purpose. And we left it at that.

Usually he will come around to things that are important to me, even if he is vehemently opposed at first. I'm hoping that this will happen here. We'll give it all we have with our own genetic material, first. For now, he just asked for 3 or 4 months before trying another IVF - to lose weight, keep eating healthy, taking the extra vitamins and supplements, etc. Yes, of course.

After that, if we face more disappointment, I don't know what we'll do. I don't know how to live with so much pain.