i hope we didn't jinx ourselves

Bloated. Constipated. So sick this morning. Woozy feeling in the head.

I'm on Percocet now. It's all good. It's not Swine Flu; rather, as WiseGuy aptly pointed out to me, it's No-Wine Flu. True, true! Meanwhile, DH is busy with beer and everything else I wouldn't let him have for the last 3 months! At least, that's what he says, anyway. (It's a 2 beers/week habit. Oooooh, bad boy. lol)

______________________________________

DH and I had an interesting exchange about the possibility of leftover embies. Having extra embies is obviously not something we're counting on - it's a ridiculously unthinkable luxury to us - but the discussion had to be had again. Because you never know.

(Remember that DH was always in favour of discarding extras, while I wanted to donate. And we'd hoped for at least one child, but in the best-case scenario, we'd love to have 2 or 3.)

DH walks in the door from work.

OHW: Hi Honey! Only one died! We still have 15!

DH: Wow. [He gives me a big hug and takes a deep breath.] What are we gonna do with them all? I guess we might end up with lots of kids?

OHW: I don't know. Lots of them will probably die before transfer, anyway. But if not ... I don't want to lose any of them.

DH: I don't want to get rid of any, either. [He says sadly.] I thought if we had extra we should give them to this couple I know, but their lives are so different from ours, and they do drugs so often.

OHW: Yeah, I hear ya. It would be nice to give them to people we know really well, so they can grow up in their own culture and stuff. We could see how they're doing and know that they're ok.

DH: Yeah.

OHW: Maybe if my brother and SIL have problems, we could donate to them?

DH: I think so.

Wow. At least the possibility of donation isn't anathema to him anymore. I never pressured him on this at all; I felt we both had to be in agreement to donate. So this is good. I feel that if (ha!) we do end up in that situation, and we're still on the same page, opportunities will present themselves to us.

But I'm jumping waaaaaaaaay ahead of myself. Let's just see if we make it to the five-day transfer with anything. I just warned DH about the 'normal' rate of attrition, so he wouldn't be in shock if/when half of them suddenly conk out.

THANK YOU for all the prayers, good vibes, and well wishes - I appreciate them more than you'll ever know.

embie report

1 arrested overnight.

15 are fine and developing well.

Tomorrow's Day 3: The Big Day. If the male factor is going to rear its ugly head, we'll begin to find out tomorrow morning.

waiting

More hurry up and wait.

Waiting to see how many embies made it through the night. It's weird to think of myself as a parent to embie-babies again. I feel as though I need to mosey over to the clinic to check on them or something. In the conservative area I'm from, people believe that life begins at conception; in that case, DH and I have more 'kids' than anyone we know.

I'm coming down with the flu or something: have got a fever and feel weird, plus tummy hurts. Pee, waistline, and weight are all normal, though. Is this OHSS? Infection? Swine flu? lol Will ask the nurse if I should head to a walk-in clinic.

This is how DH told a co-worker yesterday about the fertilization report. Co-worker is very empathetic: though he and his wife never did IVF, they did do years of diagnostic tests and drugs before conceiving their only child.

DH: My wife and I are trying IVF again.
Co-worker: Oh. So that was your wife who called just now?
DH: Yep. We've got 16 embryos.
Co-worker: What does that mean?
DH: I have a football team.
Co-worker. Ah, cool.

No emotional drama. No beating of the breast. Just the facts. lol

fertilization report

I am going to cry.

20 eggs were mature.

16 fertilized.

I am really crying now.

waiting

Waiting to hear how many eggs were mature, and how many subsequently decided to jam with the sperm.

For our first IVF, only 5 fertilized out of 11. My current nightmare: zero fertilization.

Am measuring my pee, and finding it inconvenient, yet hilarious. DH really does not want me to use the glass measuring cup, but I am not buying a separate item for this task; I wash the cup with soap and hot water, and all is well. How will I measure my pee when I have to go out for extended periods of time? I dunno.

Waistline is fine. I also weighed myself, and my poundage is exactly the same as always. Good signs.

Am sore, but it's better than yesterday, when I couldn't walk upright and felt like a Neanderthal.

Slept 8 hours last night, plus yesterday I had 1 afternoon nap and 1 evening nap. Feels so good to catch up on the zzzzzz.

sorry, long post - this was a soap opera day

Thanks for all the congrats, people.

I just had the best nap ever, so now I feel complete. lol

But seriously, I am bloated, constipated, swollen, and doubled over in pain ... and I don't think I could be more thankful about it. I also have Percocet in my possession, which is a good thing!

We got to the clinic 90 minutes early, so I thought we should walk around, since my back was hurting anyway, and DH needed to find a bank machine. I was hobbling, since my tummy started aching. Finally I realized that that wasn't going to work, so I made DH eat breakfast, and then we got to Lifequest. I felt as though I had both af and the flu, plus ovaries the size of basketballs, and was horribly uncomfortable.

They took me in to the back and got me settled on a recliner. The nurse had trouble inserting the IV; apparently I don't have veins in my arms, hence my Mutant status (right, Turtles?).

DH came to join me then, and he read jokes to me from Reader's Digest.

After half an hour, I started feeling even more poorly. I stood up and leaned my head on the table and forced out the words for DH to get a nurse. I felt as though my head was getting shut off from the rest of the world. I was burning up and dizzy, my abdomen was exploding, and thought I would throw up. Thought, "Feel like I'm dying; good thing I'm surrounded by medical personnel."

Dr H and nurses came running, and I couldn't respond to anything they were saying. I remember Dr H half-carrying me to the procedure room and saying repeatedly that I couldn't go to sleep. There, the doc and the nurses got me onto the table so that my head was positioned lower than the rest of my body, and then they put sugar water and anti-nausea meds into my IV. Everyone kept trying to wake me up, since I wasn't responding to them, though I could hear everything they were saying. After a while, I rejoined the land of the living.

I wasn't even medicated yet at that point! I don't know what happened, and neither did the medical team. It was scary. I turned bright white, apparently, and one of the nurses said to me later, "Seriously, I couldn't even see your nose; there was no colour on you anywhere."

So then the retrieval began. I was in monster pain the whole time; I had been assured by everyone ahead of time that I'd be fine, but I knew from the last ER that the sedation does not stop me from feeling what's being done internally. So I - and I don't remember half of this - cringed, bucked around, said "F*#$" repeatedly, and turned DH's hand purple from clutching it. And the nurse told me later that they were all at a loss for what to do about the painkillers, since I clearly needed more, but then I would've passed out, which they didn't want. So I soldiered on. Dr H wanted to stop the retrieval after a while, but I said no way - knowing my luck, that last two or three eggs would've been the only normal ones out of the batch. So he continued.

Finally we were all done. I thought I heard that 17 had been retrieved, but DH says it was 21. Dr H rubbed my shoulder, and I told them - in the spirit of being overdrugged - that I really loved him and Dr Perry, and that they made this process all bearable, and that I trusted them. haha That is the kind of drunk I am. Very loving. lol But I did mean what I was saying.

They brought me back to the recliner for a snooze while DH went to the Room O' Porn to do his business, which 'got off' (haha) without a hitch. And DH's sample was deemed 'good' for his situation: not good enough for plain IVF, but good enough for ICSI. I don't know if this judgement was passed before- or after-wash. I don't think DH realized this, but his overall number dropped again from the last sample: from 35 million to 4.5 million. I realize that sperm counts fluctuate, but he's been on an organic diet, with Dr H's recommended antioxidant vitamins, plus more exercise; and he hasn't been ill or in a hot tub or anything like that. I am wondering what is going on. Anyway, his motility was ultra-low, as usual, and we ended up leaving before the morphology was announced.

I stopped dozing in the recliner, since I stopped breathing every time I fell asleep. Made me nervous. I ate and drank right away, even though I wasn't supposed to, because I was dying of hunger and thirst.

The IVF nurse stopped by to give me my instructions, and to say that I had to also measure my fluid intake and my pee every day until further notice. DH mentioned to her as a joke his annoyance with me because I wouldn't go golfing with him, despite her saying it was ok, and she said, "No way, I didn't say that. She cannot make that twisting motion with her torso." He said, "Oh yes, I heard you say it was ok. So I'm taking her golfing tomorrow." She shot him the dirtiest look ever, and he howled, so she started laughing then, too. She's cool.

Was nauseous again later when I attempted to use the bathroom and get dressed - I got up too fast, I guess - so the nurse brought me down to the building's lobby in a wheelchair.

Yeah, drama queen, that's me. *Rolls eyes* Apparently the other woman having ER today had no problems and no pain at all. Though her partner fainted. Which isn't funny, but I still laughed. lol

I start Prometrium tomorrow (3x/day) and Estrace (2x/day).

And wait for the call tomorrow afternoon to say how many eggs fertilized.

DH wishes for me to tell you all that he likes this clinic, the Hannam Fertility Centre, because he was allowed to go in to the egg retrieval. He said he appreciated being able to stay with me, since he wasn't permitted to do so during the first IVF. He likes the doctors, and he says he recommends this place to other IF-ers. He also wants me to say that one of the nurses commented that he was the BEST partner, especially since he was trying to make me laugh in the ER room, and because he peeled my orange for me. He is wondering why he doesn't get a trophy. lol

So that's it for now. Back to my salty programming and dumping pee in a glass measuring cup.

Egg retrieval

I'm home, and about to sleep. Will write more later. For now, apparently Dr H retrieved 21 eggs.

egg retrieval

Nervous.

My first egg retrieval was some of the worst pain ever. I felt everything through the sedation. The nurses had to hold me down, and then I vaguely recall being propped up near the end because my ovaries were giving the doctor trouble. Finally - after they kept increasing the meds - I passed out.

Please don't get me wrong, though - I am not complaining. I'm thrilled to be in this position, so lucky.

And to change the subject, I'm off to self-administer the enema. Wish me luck. ;) lol

update

Just bloodwork this morning. I've got at least 20 follicles over 1.6 cm, though some are for sure overcooked; the nurse said it was possible that the tech missed a few, too, since there are so many. My abdomen is really uncomfortable, and I have to walk slowly, but I don't mind at all.

Had acupuncture - gooooood.

So tonight I am supposed to take an enema (ewwww!) - even though I am very regular in that department - so that the bowel doesn't obstruct the ovaries.

Emotionally, I've felt considerably removed from all of this. Hence the short updates, I guess. I can't let my heart get too invested in this.

Thank you for all the well wishes.

update *updated*

Am waiting for the nurse to call, but we're pretty sure that I'm triggering tonight.

*Update: I am indeed triggering tonight, at 10 p.m. Last Lupron injection is at 6. So retrieval is scheduled for 10 a.m. on Tuesday.*

Estrogen is zooming, and follies are growing on their own with no meds.

I've been moved from OHSS protocol 'lite' to The Full Monty: weighing and measuring myself, no caffeine anything, etc. And warned that transfer, if we make it that far, won't happen if any fluid is found in my abdomen.

My estrogen went over 15,000 last time, and I was ok, so I think I'll be fine; but even so, I'm being very cautious. Bottoms up on the V-8 juice!

Asked DH if he was being a brat (and not coming with me for monitoring this weekend) because he's nervous about the sample on Tuesday; he said yes in a very small voice.

E2

Some people have asked about my E2 level. Especially for Americans, mine seems very high, but it's because Canada has a different measuring system for it: here, E2 levels are measured in picomols and in the US E2 levels are measured in picograms. My American level would be around 3650.

Ok, off to monitoring.

update

Estrogen jumped to 13,700, so I'm coasting tonight, and will trigger tomorrow (we're probably going to sacrifice a few of the bigger follies for the bulk of the smaller ones). Back for more monitoring in the morning. Ovaries are heavy again, and still sprouting. As a joke, Dr P at the clinic interrupted my u/s to ask the lab tech if she needed coffee or an intermission or something. lol

Was nice to have spicy-apple-chai-something tea (very tasty) at Starbucks afterward with Kate. :) If you've got any words of experience/comfort for her re: dipping estrogen levels, please visit her over here - that would be great.

Then went browsing around at H & M and Chapters, but didn't buy anything. It was relaxing.

Tongue is dried out from all the salt, and I haven't even had that much today!

DH is picking a silly fight with me over nothing - I don't know what his problem is - so I think I'll go for a walk.

typo in last post

Estrogen is 8,400, not 5,400.

update

4 a.m. - I woke up to two little electrical explosions in my ovaries, one on each side.

Got up at 5:30, and noticed:
- no ewcm - all dried up
- no ovarian pain - couldn't feel anything
- sore bbs - even my armpits hurt

What does that spell in TTC-land?

So I panicked, and DH ended up missing work to take me to the clinic. (I had monitoring, anyway, but DH came because he freaked, too.)

I couldn't feel the dildo cam poking around, really, and normally that isn't a pleasant feeling. But ... the u/s lady said all looked well, and the nurse confirmed it. 30+ follies - she's estimating that we'll get at least 20 eggs, though we don't know, of course, how many will be mature, or what the quality will be like.

*Massive sigh of relief*

IVF is such a mind-f*#&. I know my body so well, and it doesn't lead me astray. My body tells me how to make decisions, when to phone somebody, when to go for a walk (so that along the way I get a great idea), when I'm going to get sick, when I ovulate, and even when I was going to miscarry. So it pisses me off that I misread my cues.

Anyway, I'll get over it.

I'm cautiously thrilled. This cycle is going too well. I'm not used to TTC things going according to plan. We're still on schedule to do the retrieval on Tuesday.

The nurse found it odd that I felt fine, since they're worried about hyperstimming, so I've been placed on the OHSS protocol: lots of salt, measured fluid intake, etc. I am not a big salt fan, but I'll do whatever I have to do, obviously. I'll load up on V-8 juice.

More monitoring tomorrow, since my estrogen skipped up to 5,400.

Also, I went for acupuncture today at a new place. (I'm going to go again Monday, and then either the day before transfer, or ET day itself - the nurse thought acu was a good idea.) I love acu. Dozed off for at least 15-20 minutes, after my body fought it for a while (I have a sleep disorder, so I always get the shakes before I finally fall asleep), and that was lovely! The doctor missed removing one needle, though, and so I yelped when I dropped my heavy skirt over it! Youchie!

Thank you so much for the sweet and helpful comments, everybody.

xxx

Time for a cliche

Things are going too well. I am not used to this. When will the other shoe drop?

Am praying for my IVF (and other TTC) ladies out there - we've got to be the toughest creatures in the world.

update

Left ovary: 10 follies
Right ovary: 5 follies
(Plus a million smaller ones)
Estrogen: 5200

The nurse told me, before the estrogen result came in, that they were a little worried about me hyperstimming. However, she also said that the doctor is reluctant to lower the dose because - since it's so low to begin with (125 units) - I'd run the risk of losing all the follicles. I've never heard of this before, so that's interesting, and I very much hope that this does not happen to me.

But anyway, the estrogen came back great, so I'm staying on 125 units, and I'm back for more monitoring tomorrow.

Am feeling as though I'm carrying rocks around in my lower abdomen. The nurse was worried about my comfort level, but I don't care at all: I just want to get pregnant.

Have gotten lots of revisions done on my thesis. I love ovulating, not only for the potential of life (at least very theoretically, in my case), but because I'm hyper-creative during this time. My writing during the past few days has been terrific.

update

Ok, a productive day!

I got to meet Kate at the clinic, which was cool! I'm so used to being 'head-down' at these IF clinics - I never see anyone chatting - so that was nice. :)

Results:
Left ovary: 9 follies
Right ovary: 4 follies
*Plus 5 billion smaller follicles, and that is a conservative estimate - yikes. Biggest follies are at 14 mm.
Endometrial lining: I forgot to ask
Estrogen: 3400

So I stay on the same dose of Puregon, and I go back tomorrow.

symptom update

Ewcm started today, and boy can I ever feel the exact location of my ovaries. I don't think I'll be stimming the 12 days for which Dr H was planning. I pray that the quality of my eggs isn't affected by this: I am praying for 8-12 healthy and normal eggs ... please please please.

Lupron's giving me mild headaches off and on, as well as hot flashes, but none of it is anything intolerable. If that's a sign of what menopause will be like, I'll take it!

I think today I finished writing the first draft of my thesis, so I'm in a state of shock. I still have a lot of research and revising to do, but that's peanuts compared to what I've done so far. DH is going to be so happy with me. :) My advisor is going to be shocked: she is under the impression that I've done only a few chapters. What can I say?: I work well unsupervised. lol But I need her honest and brilliant feedback so I can continue to improve what I've done.

Am getting excited about my new job, and have already started planning. That's a good sign. My mentor is going to work with me in my classroom, and that will help so much.

Overall, a good day!

small-ish update *updated again*

There was a reason I was feeling my ovaries. 35+ follies are waiting to make an appearance. The nurse said it's too soon to tell how many will start popping up. So I'm waiting for the call re: my estrogen.

**Update: The nurse said that my estrogen is 1100, so I'm staying on the same dose of Puregon and going in for monitoring on Wednesday.

Didn't sleep one iota last night, plus had to walk around wet and windy Toronto with a broken umbrella and springy hair. I must have looked ludicrous!

Looks as though you're reading words from a high school English teacher.

If the IVF works, I'll be in the position of working full-time until January, but getting paid part-time. The job isn't full-time over the course of the year: it's a full load until January, and then moves to a 3/4 load. But the pay is averaged out. So I have to phone a lawyer at our teachers' society to ask for advice on that.

DH has likely found work: setting up a company with a handful of other guys. Odds are that they'll make a killing, but he and I wouldn't see each other much for the first few years, since he'd be running around for his work. He'll be very good at it, but I worry that he won't have enough time for his hobbies. But that will all work itself out, I guess.

My thesis isn't as bad as I was making it out to be. In terms of my current field, Education, what I'm doing is cutting-edge and even avant-garde. But I'm borrowing a lot of things from the arts and humanities, especially English, and I know that people in English would view my work very negatively, including saying that it's not original enough. I guess I still want to measure up in the English department, but I don't.

Thanks for all the encouraging comments. You did all make me feel a bit better.

Am definitely feeling my ovaries. I go in for monitoring tomorrow. I don't have any expectations. If anything, I'm guessing that because of the conservative dose, I'll have only a few follies, and we'll have to cancel and start over again.

Blegh.