Dear God letter

Dear God,

I know we haven't really been on good terms in the last few years. I wish we were, but you have to understand that it's hard for me to talk to you, since it feels as though I'm speaking to a stone (and not one that will burst forth with water anytime soon).

Of all the proverbial crosses to bear, I think I got one of the worst ones. And there's no way you can possibly understand how it feels. You have never been a barren woman, and no one knows what that's like unless s/he's been through it personally. That is just the way it is. I know believers like to say that you have empathy - even perfect understanding - of every situation, but honestly, you don't know what infertility feels like unless it has happened to you. And it hasn't.

During the first 3 or 4 years of my own status as a barren woman, I was actually grateful for it. I was glad that I had to work for this blessing, that I was learning patience, that I was becoming more mature, that I received great work opportunities (which I could take because I didn't have to worry about kids), that I was discovering what kind of person I was. I cultivated faith in your will and your timing.

A few years ago, after a 'step out in faith' service at church, I went out on a limb and purchased some baby gear - very much against my will, as I thought it was a bad idea - to show you that I had confidence that you'd remember me eventually. Those unused baby items - 6 tiny socks, 3 onesies, and 6 colourful receiving blankets - remain in storage, far away from me.

I've done everything in my power since then to bring a child to my world. I've overhauled my lifestyle: I eat organic food, I exercise regularly, I drink lots of water, I rarely consume junk food, I take vitamins and supplements. I've gotten my husband to eat better, to exercise, to take vitamins, et cetera. We've been through nearly every invasive and humiliating test that doctors can think of. We've done 4 Clomid cycles, one inject/IUI cycle, one IVF and one FET last year, and now another fresh cycle. I've miscarried (at least once) a deeply wanted baby. We've waited as doctors ignored us, twice put us on year-long waitlists, laughed at us, and misdiagnosed us. We sold our house, quit our jobs, and moved, in part to access decent infertility care. We estimated the other day that we've spent nearly $30,000 on this quest, and still we are left with empty hands. Infertility has tainted every aspect of my life, and that cost can't be measured.

If you say no to us this time, I want to say that we are very grateful for our four frozen embryos. We never expected to be able to create them. But God, it will take yet another year to have a chance with them. Logistically, I can't do the monitoring required while I'm teaching, because my school is too far away. I'd have to wait until next summer, all the while living among thousands of happy mommies and daddies with their beautiful children. There is no one like me around there.

Please, I'm begging, don't ask me to wait another year. I'm turning 31, and I can't wait forever. At some point my age is going to kick in, and besides, I can't emotionally endure this for much longer.

I am so grateful for the life inside me. I want him/her desperately. I'm asking for you to please spare him or her. Please allow us to keep one healthy baby. Please let the beta double tomorrow. I don't even have to tell you we'd be good parents: you know we'd be great. That's why I don't understand why this is happening to us.

OHW

P.S. People tell me "just adopt." Who am I going to adopt, God? There are almost no babies or toddlers available in our area for domestic adoption, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to subject myself to the scrutiny involved in homestudies, references, etc., anyway. I've read about international placements, and the amount of corruption that reportedly goes on behind those scenes isn't something I'm comfortable with. Plus we have no money left for foreign adoption, anyway. And I can't help it: I want to have a biological child with my spouse. Is that so bad? So what am I gonna do?

had to phone the midwife back

To add insult to injury, I had to phone the midwife back today, otherwise I was going to lose my spot (on the chance that this does end up ok), since they've already got a long waiting list. I had to struggle not to cry throughout the call, as I was trying to explain to her why I can't know yet if this is or isn't a chemical. So she said she recommended that I become a patient, anyway, because if I called back later to say that things were ok, I'd be at the bottom of the waiting list. Made sense, so I agreed.

5w1d - stuck in beta hell

This is going to be a long day. Not looking forward to tomorrow.

My beta took around 66 hours to double. Apparently 85% of clinical pregnancies take longer than 48 hours to double. I'm reading that anything up to 66 hours is often fine (and I've come across more research that says 72 hours is still ok).

I'm right at the 66-hour mark. So apparently not all hope is lost, but I'm cynical. This sucks and I hate it.

Who else, outside of the IF world, has to worry about this crap? Everyone else just gets 2 lines on a test and all is well. I bet only IF'ers know what beta numbers are and what they mean.

I go back to the clinic on Thursday morning for a repeat.

2nd beta

In four days it's risen from 113 to only 309. Usually it's supposed to double every 48 hours, so that's really slow.

DH called to ask about the results. It's going to be a quiet night.

5 weeks

Still waiting.

*Sigh*

I do not know what is taking so long!

Symptoms:

-same old ones: wet cm, sore bbs (they've never been quite this sore before), tired in the afternoon, af cramps, distinct electric shocks in bbs and abdomen (occasionally).
-new: breakfast tasted odd this morning; when I got to Toronto, everything smelled gross at first; got nauseous and dizzy at one point in the bathroom.

Nervous for tomorrow. *Sigh*

4w6d

DH is very interested in what is going on with all this stuff.

-He says he wants twins so that we don't fight over them. (He said sulkily that if there's only one baby, he'll never get to hold it because I will hog it.) That warmed my heart.

-On Saturday I showed him a version of the pregnancy ticker I've got on this blog, so he could get an idea of what our young mutant looked like. Yesterday he asked me to pull it up again on the laptop, and he said he'd probably want to see it regularly. I said I'd buy a week-by-week development book of pictures, if he thought he'd like that, and he nodded.

-Yesterday afternoon, while we were out walking at the golf course, he asked about my symptoms. He wanted to know what all of them were and what they were like. He also wouldn't let me walk too close to a ravine or where any golf balls were flying around.

-I mentioned that, if all goes well, we'd probably get an ultrasound at 6 weeks or so, and he wanted to know what he'd see and what that meant. (Of course, I didn't know, so I looked it up.) He's asked me a couple of times what our risk of miscarriage is.

These things are a big, massive deal to me. In my culture, they way I grew up, men have traditionally been disengaged from their children. (I was pretty alienated from my dad until my early twenties - now we're very close, but it has taken a lot of work from both ends.) Corporal punishment was expected, and fathers never really talked to their kids (i.e., the whole Silent Angry Patriarch thing). It was Dad's Way or the highway. Mothers and aunts and grandmothers did all the real, daily work of parenting. Today, we would call this paternal neglect; perhaps bordering on child abuse. I don't want my husband to be disengaged from our child; I want this cycle to be broken. So to know that he is excited about this - imagining the future, wanting to be close to our child, involving himself - means a lot to me.

Repeat beta tomorrow, finally.

I realized yesterday that if this all goes well, DH will be able to spill the beans at the end of July, when his family goes on a weekend camping trip. That should work. I will tell my family first, though - which DH is fine with - because this will be my parents' first living grandchild. My dad is going to be beside himself - he loves babies.
_______________________________________________

Symptom update:

Getting tired easily in the afternoons.
Peeing a lot.
Little electric shocks in the bbs, but only occasionally.
Mild cramps and shocks in lower abdomen, but only occasionally.
Very aware of my ovaries - they must be huge, still.
Short periods of feeling overheated. Can't keep my laptop on my lap - I get too hot.
Smells seem sharper to me.
The mildest nausea once or twice a day; almost unnoticeable.

long weekend

I curse the long weekend. I want my repeat beta done today, not Tuesday.

DH is already wanting to know when he can tell his family, and that's got my knickers in a knot. I'd prefer not to tell anyone until I get a 'take home' baby - since anything could happen at any time - but I guess that is not realistic!

I think you are all lovely people - your congratulations and comments have all made me cry (in a good way!). Am starting to feel better now.

explanation of yesterday

Warning: If you're feeling sensitive, you may find this post offensive, so please feel free to skip. I would never want to offend or hurt any fellow TTC'ers.

As I mentioned, yesterday was a strange day. One of the most stressful days of my life.

First, for whatever reason, I wildly underestimated the time needed to get to the clinic. I don't know why I did this, since I know perfectly well how long it takes to get there. So we dashed to make it there on time.

B/w was over quickly. I went to the bathroom to 'feed the cervix.' Ran into the IVF nurse, who asked how I was doing. I said, "Terrible, nervous. Tested positive. These things can disappear so fast." She said, "Testing + is better than -. Hang in there - I'll phone you this afternoon." Me: "Yep, ok."

DH and I got breakfast, walked around the downtown for a while, and sat in a park. Finally I said, "Ok, I have to know - let's go home." While waiting at Union, I dialled my answering machine: no message. I was dying inside.

Fell asleep on the bus and wrenched my neck and back out of place again - hurray. Am walking like a robot.

Got home - DH put the message on speakerphone, so we heard it at the same time. 113, which is fine. Come in again on Tuesday.

I was shellshocked. I alternated between sadness and numbness. I cried and cried. DH freaked out: if everything is good, why is she upset? He hugged me. I walked to the bedroom, laid down on my bed and cried. DH didn't know what to do with me, and said sadly, "I can't wait until this ends because I want the real you back."

I don't know what's wrong with me. IF has really done a number on my brain and my heart. I don't know where I could find the old me. Don't get me wrong: I know I am thrilled.

So DH and I went grocery shopping and had dinner. I had a bath to try loosening up my back. Holy cow, it's bad - I needed help to get out of the tub.

Then DH put on music - sad songs - that I knew was a sign he wasn't doing well, either. He was missing his dad, who died a year and a half ago. Said he wants to name a boy after his dad (we already agreed a long time ago to do that). Gradually, with the help of a lot of beer, he was ok again (well, considering it's the loss of a beloved parent, as ok as it can be).

He started playing party songs and dancing all around. The dance party lasted for 2 hours, while I lay in agony on the couch, yet I laughed. lol

Then we got halfway through Benjamin Button - which is really good so far, incidentally - before he crashed and wiggled his way to bed. He had far too much to drink, which makes him really hilarious.

And so here we are. I'm in shock.

For the record: I officially HATE at-home pregnancy tests, and especially the double-liners. I hated them before, but now it's official. The sticks didn't get darker even though my HCG was obviously rising.

___________

Symptom update:

Thursday: lower abdomen cramps and ovaries started hurting again; cried over dumb things on TV; loads of watery cm; occasional 'shots' in the bbs.

Overnight: sore gums (huh?) and woke up in the middle of the night with a stabbing af-like cramp.

Friday: crampy abdomen and sore ovaries; a little dizzy and sensitive to smells' watery cm; occasional electrical 'sparks' in the bbs; cried over a stupid wedding show (and for the record, I think weddings are stupid).

But do not feel pregnant.

Thank you for the congratulations. I'm beyond grateful.

beta

Beta: 113. The nurse said that is fine, and I go in on Tuesday (have to wait 4 days instead of 2 because it's a long weekend) to repeat the b/w.

It's been a weird, weird day. Will post more tomorrow.

Thanks ever so much for the love, people. *Insert heart here*

ticker part deux

I keep checking the ticker, as though that's the real baby. Duh. Thinking I shouldn't have put it up there. I didn't do it out of some renewed sense of hope - I just did it because this is as far as I've gotten on this journey, and I wanted memories - even pathetic little ones - in case that's all I get.

I've been looking up what I should expect a good beta to be tomorrow. Sounds like I should have at least 130 or more. Way more than my pathetic lines are showing on the pee sticks. I really hate POAS, in case you couldn't tell by now.

Am praying that I get a chance for these little embryos.

ticker

I put up a ticker. Determined to cherish this for as long as it lasts, even if it's just a few days.

11dp5dt

Tested again this morning. It's still positive, but the line isn't any darker. I guess for for today that's as good as it gets.

Yesterday I didn't end up going to a walk-in; instead, I slept, partly to calm down and partly to pass the time.

I'm an effing idiot, too, for not just phoning my clinic to ask for an early beta: a fellow Hannam patient on an IVF board wrote to me late last night to say that they have had no problem with that in the past, if you call the nurse first. But by the time I would have phoned the nurse this morning, I'd have missed the last train to Toronto, so no go. I have to wait. I'm an idiot for not asking. My last clinic wouldn't do an early test, so I just assumed all REs were like that. (Most doctors in this country have God complexes, so it's hard to question them on anything.) My loss. I'm too passive; I really dislike that about myself.

Had some symptoms reappear yesterday, but just for a bit in the afternoon: super-mild nausea, watery cm, occasional electric twinges in my bbs, and feeling overheated. Then had some slight af-like cramps, which I'm not reading into, since I know that could mean anything. (I shouldn't bleed, anyway, until I stop the suppositories.)

Tomorrow's the big day. Beta in the morning; results around noon, I guess. DH and I are going in together. He wants to spend the whole day in Toronto, but if we get bad news, I won't be in the mood, since my life will be in ruins again.

What should my beta be on 12dp5dt? Fill in the blank: I can expect that it should be higher than ___. I checked that beta board web site, but there's a huge variation in 'safe' numbers. I know I've got at least 25 units - probably a bit more - because that's the minimum number that the $store test says it will pick up. I hope it's higher than 25, though, because that means I'd have a really low number tomorrow, and that is often a bad sign. But I guess it's not the number that matters: it's the doubling time. Low numbers are less than ideal, though...

Thanks for waiting it out with me. Am going crazy. I'm tethered to Google. I have the emotional stability of a colicky infant. I crave an Ativan tablet, but don't know if it's safe. Yuuuuck. I need wine to go with my whine.

10dp5dt: in the depths of POAS hell

I tested again this morning with FMU, and it still looks like a BFN, or at least the suggestion of a chemical. There is a whisper of a ghost of a line. I don't know what to think, though I do know that if I were pregnant, I should have A SOLID LINE on it by now.

I can't post pictures - both my cameras refuse to upload them. And anyway, you can't see the anything of the almost-nonexistent test line on the shots, so sticking them here would be pointless.

I don't have a gp - they're in short supply and I'm on a number of waiting lists - so can't get a beta done there. I really don't think my RE will order one early, and besides, it's too late to go there today. A walk-in might be my best shot, but would I get the results today?

I hate this.

scared

I am really scared and feel that God hates me and doesn't want me to be happy. DH saw it all on my face as soon as he walked in the door. I didn't tell him that I tested this afternoon and got a BFN, but I did say that all my symptoms disappeared; I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but this is exactly what happened last time.

I wonder: if I went to a walk-in clinic tomorrow and requested a beta, would they do it? Or would my IVF info flash on the computer screen - hence, 'forcing' them to say no?

What is the reasoning, exactly, behind IF clinics making us wait so long for these things?

I really wish I could go somewhere and just pay for a damn blood test.

:(

I'm so bummed. I tested with a Dollar Store stick - sensitivity is listed at 25 units - and it looks like a BFN. I know FMU is best, but I thought that by 9dp5dt (equivalent to 14 dpo) - and I haven't had much to drink all day - it didn't matter as much.

Shouldn't my HCG be over 25 by now?

Please, don't let this be a chemical.

And all my symptoms I just described before are gone. This is exactly what happened last time.

I wish I hadn't told DH yesterday. :(

9dp5dt: told DH last night

I told DH last night. He was very reticent about it, which didn't surprise me. And he wasn't pleased that I'd already contacted a midwife, but when I explained why I did it, he was ok. He's just trying to protect our hearts. He told me that he took all of Friday off, though, to accompany me to the beta.

(He is still 'pouting' about 'the guys' belonging to Dr H and not to him. lol)

Okay, now I really will perseverate over my symptoms, and I won't blame them entirely on the Prometrium and the Estrace.

~After IVF #1, on the evening of 10dp3dt, I got the sure sign I was knocked up: 'zingers' in my uterus that I'd never felt before. And I started feeling them again last night, for about an hour.

~My saliva is running constantly, as though a plate of fresh, sunwarmed raspberries - topped with cream and sugar - was just placed in front of me ... but I have no spoon. :( This is very sad! lol

~I am freakishly hot, and have never experienced this before. DH started to hold my hand two days ago, and then dropped it. He looked at me curiously and said, "There's heat radiating from you."

3 days until beta. I continue to wait. I wish that those pee sticks could tell us how much HCG is kicking around! I think I'll buy a few cheap tests today (maybe at the Dollar Store - thanks, Michele, for the recommendation!), just to keep checking.

Is it too much to ask for rain so that DH has to cancel golf and come home? ;) I'm dying here all by myself, with huge news, and no one to obsess with!!!